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It wasn’t a new feeling at all. Feeling like he’s not doing enough or that the others are better than him. He would have probably said that he was getting used to it. He couldn’t really blame his parents. It wasn’t their fault that they were poor and that he got bullied because of it. Getting kicked from his company and losing his chance to become an idol for the same reason? Shinju was getting used to it all.
He suspected that his family’s situation might not have been the only reason why he got kicked from his group though. Dismissing him with only saying ‘we’re looking for real life princes and you’re poor, sorry’ was easier than telling him that he wasn’t doing well enough. He would have just told them that he will work harder. But this way he couldn’t argue.
When he was taken to Starless by Rindou, he honestly felt at ease, surrounded by other ‘outcasts’. Rindou became a role-model and a brother to him. Which is why Shinju got angry when Starless was getting shut down, he was losing his second-family for the second time. He didn’t like Haseyama, he was suspicious to say the least and his methods were nasty. But so long as he didn’t lose Starless, he was fine.
The ranking system was also something he was getting used to, he thought. It was frustrating that he never got the chance to become a Starting Member even before reopening, but at least at Starless, he didn’t get kicked for not being enough. Yet. So he continued to work harder than anyone else, while trying to not break under the pressure.
It hit him hard when Maica joined Team P. Maica was great at singing, a born natural. It wasn’t a surprise he immediately became a Starting Member. But that didn’t mean Shinju wasn’t hurt behind the scenes. He trained for years, to become an idol. To be good at singing, dancing and acting. He trained harder than anyone at Starless to become a Starting Member, and yet Maica, who came to the restaurant only a few months ago, who skipped practices, snatched the position without even trying.
So Shinju worked even harder during his Floor shifts, slept less, trained even more, ate less. And it showed. His health was deteriorating, even he knew it, but blamed himself for not being strong enough.
Somewhat, he was glad Mizuki ditched them. He finally got his chance to shine and prove himself. But if it wasn’t for Mizuki, he’d still only be a benchwarmer. He was just there to temporarily replace someone better than him.
When Haseyama announced he and Maica would be competing for Number 2 position, at first he was excited. Finally he could really prove himself, maybe even stand at the top next to Rindou as a Starting Member and Number 2, not just a temporary replacement for a temporarily missing member.
And then came the dread.
There was no way he was winning against Maica. Maica had talent, Shinju didn’t. He was famous both online and offline for his beauty. Shinju had no chance against Maica’s customers. And in the end it all came down to how popular one is with the customers.
So it wasn’t unexpected news, when Haseyama told them Maica had won. Shinju just congratulated him with a smile that could fool anyone, except Rindou, who was visibly worried.
After Starless was closed for the night and everyone had gone home, Shinju stayed late to practice alone as usual. He had no time to spare. Mizuki could come back anytime. He had to practice. To get better. To be enough. To become a Starting Member.
But seeing his own reflection made him sick. He looked awful.
He broke. He curled up on the floor, his small form shaking as he sobbed. He couldn’t do it anymore. His heart and body couldn’t take it anymore. No matter how hard he worked, in the end it was all meaningless. He was just a replacement. And he couldn’t take it anymore.
He wanted it to end.
Nothing mattered anymore.
He got up on his feet and headed to the practice room’s music station. He ripped the keyboard out of the computer and walked to the mirror.
His own tear stained face disgusted him.
He smashed the mirror with the keyboard, breaking both to pieces.
Shinju collapsed to the ground once again, throwing the broken keyboard aside. He picked up a mirror piece instead. He watched himself in the shard. Awful black circles under his eyes. His complexion so pale it could rival Gui’s. He looked weak and broken, just like the mirror in front of him.
He brought the broken mirror piece up to his left arm.
If he stopped to think for a moment, maybe he wouldn’t have done it.
It’s been a while. He thought was doing better now.
But in that moment he felt empty.
He didn’t even really feel the pain. This wasn’t the first time, after all. His upper thighs were covered in scars, hidden from the others’ eyes. Even his arms had some old ones. When he was asked about them, he lied, obviously. Waving them off as scratches and cuts he got from his other part-time jobs.
He just watched as blood spilled from his arm and dripped to the floor.
He didn’t hear Rindou shout. Too dazed to realize what was happening. In one second Rindou was on the floor with him, snatching the broken mirror piece from his hand and throwing it to the side. He immediately wrapped his scarf around the wound. All Shinju could do was watch him silently as he worked on his arm with a panicked expression on his face.
The younger one’s vision started to fade and he collapsed into Rindou’s arms.
Shinju woke up to a white ceiling above him and Rindou sitting by his bed, holding his hand. His eyes puffy from crying. The younger called out to him in a small, broken voice and the latter’s head jerked up to meet his eyes. His eyes softened and relief washed over his face.
Shinju lifted his bandaged arm up to his face, hiding his tears, only being able to say sorry over and over again.
Rindou just lifted his hand up to his lips, kissing his knuckles softly, afraid that Shinju would break, conveying just how much he loved the younger one without even saying a single word.