Work Text:
Ashton: Today's a good day.
Michael: What are you going on about now?
Luke: I'm wearing the exact same thing I wore the day Ash and I met.
Ashton: And vice versa.
Calum: Really? That's cute. When did you two meet?
Luke: Um... a few weeks ago?
Michael: A few weeks ago? Where?
Ashton: Omegle.
Calum: YOU MET ON OMEGLE?!?!
Michael: DO YOU KNOW HOW DANGEROUS THE INTERNET IS?!?!
Calum: DO YOU KNOW HOW DANGEROUS OMEGLE IS?!?!
Luke: It's no big deal. We didn't meet on the One Direction tag, don't worry.
Ashton: And we had a nice conversation. We ended up getting each other's numbers and having a selfie war.
Luke: And he called me cute.
Ashton: You are cute.
Michael: I do not need to re-live this again. I've already read the entire conversation, thank you very much.
Calum: Wait, what?
Michael: We've established this already, I took Luke's phone remember?
Calum: Why?
Michael: To see who Luke was dumbing it up with. You know he took a picture of us?
Luke: Why would you tell him that?!?!
Ashton: Oh snap. Shit's about to go down.
Ashton: People 'bout to throw down.
Calum: What was the picture of?
Luke: Nothing. Nothing important.
Michael: I had my dick up your ass and Luke, being the idiot he is, was in the shot with his patented dorky smile and all that.
Calum: YOU WHAT?!?!
Ashton: Thanks a lot, Michael.
Calum: So you saw ME naked?!?! You saw US naked?!?!
Luke: Not necessarily. I mean, Michael was covering you and your legs were covering Michael's ass.
Ashton: Yeah, it wasn't like we saw everything.
Michael: He tagged it '#thirdwheel'.
Calum: You tag your selfies?
Luke: Sometimes. But to be fair, Ashton was the one who sent me something provocative first.
Michael: It's true. And Ashton's friends were two guys, too. But you could see more with them.
Calum: Do I even want to know?
Michael: They have a lot of tattoos. Lots of them.
Ashton: Yeah, Lou and Haz like tattoos.
Calum: I can't believe you saw us in that kind of position!
Calum: It's like sexting other people's pics or something!!!
Luke: Um... that's exactly what it is.
Michael: Baby, calm down. You have a great body and pretty face.
Michael: I don't think Ash was exactly 'scarred for life.'
Michael: Think of it like getting free porn.
Luke: What are you talking about? You guys didn't even receive the porn.
Michael: Quiet, I'm trying to prove a point.
Michael: Calum?
Michael: Cal-le Berry?
Michael: Tropi-Cal Rainforest?
Ashton: Enough with those nicknames already.
Michael: Suck a truck, Irwin.
Michael: CALUM?!?!?!
Calum: WHAT?!?! WHAT DO YOU WANT?!?! CAN'T YOU SEE I'M GETTING SICK OVER HERE?!?!
Luke: Do you want us to bring you some tums or alka seltzer tablets or something?
Calum: You've caused enough mental and emotional distress, Hemmings.
Ashton: Hey, would it make you feel better if we let you take a selfie with us fucking in the background?
Luke: You did not just go there.
Ashton: It's alright. He'll probably say no anyway.
Calum: Just for that, I'm saying yes!
Luke: Fuck. You see what you did here, Ashton?
Ashton: I didn't think he'd say yes!!!
Calum: Nonono, save this arguement for some angry sex, I'll be there in about five minutes!
Michael: What about me?
Luke: Shut up Mike. No one likes you.
Michael: ~Drake Parker voice~ Well!
Aahton: You're legs are killing me, Lukey.
Michael: Oh no. What have I dragged myself into?
Luke: You look really sexy in that bandana, Ashy.
Ashton: I think it'll look better around your wrists. *winking emoji*
Michael: *astonished emoji* No way! You have a bondage kink?!?!
Luke: Maybe we do, maybe we don't. *smirking emoji*
Michael: Wait 'til Calum finds out about this!
Ashton: What are you talking about?
Michael: He's going over there.
Luke: What?!?!
Luke: Ash, lock the doors!!!
Ashton: I checked, they're locked. Back to business. It's gonna be you and me now, Mikey.
Michael: What about Luke?
Ashton: His hands are occupied at the moment.
Michael: What?
Michael: Oh, you rascal! *smirking emoji*
Ashton: He looks pretty damn sexy like this.
Michael: I bet Calum would look better.
Ashton: Give it up already.
Michael: Malum or nahhh?!?!
Ashton: Nahhh, now go away.
Michael: Oh, I see how it is.
Michael: Just gonna leave me like that? Ok.
Calum: (Incoming Picture Message) You know Luke and Ashton have a bondage kink?!?!
Michael: Oh. My. God. Dude, no way!
Michael: I actually already knew. You missed a bunch of the conversation.
Calum: I'll catch it on Broadway.
Michael: Wait, the doors were locked.
Calum: Not before I snuck in.
Michael: What? But how did you do it?
Calum: Luke was blinfolded when I managed to get in their bedroom. Well, Ashton's bedroom. I just hid behind his drum kit and waited for the magic to happen.
Michael: Then what?
Calum: I bumped into a crash cymbal and forgot to turn the shutter sound off. Ashton kicked me out after that.
Calum: Luke was mortified.
Ashton: We're even now. Go away.
Michael: Actually, I think Louis and Harry need to get their revenge on you first.
Ashton: Suck a truck, Clifford.