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Joshua knows.
Neku’s heart pounds in his chest double-time whenever their hands brush together. A flush spreads across his face despite his attempts to suppress it. The soft smile he gives Josh when Neku thinks he’s not looking.
Joshua knows what love looks like. Has felt it himself. An ache in his chest at the glances shared. The rush of thoughts and quickly hidden panic.
He knows what love looks like.
Joshua loves Neku. Neku loves him.
But as of yet, they haven’t talked about it.
It hurts, watching Neku sidestep any conversation on the topic. Deftly avoiding the issue with more social grace than Joshua knew he had.
They’re relaxing together at Dogenzaka when he tries again. Food long gone, talking away about life (or as it may be, unlife).
“So...” he starts. “I think.... Maybe... We should talk.”
“Mm?” Neku perks up, looking at him. “What’s up, Josh?”
“I think we’ve been avoiding this conversation long enough,” he says, staying casual. “I mean, it’s been what? Four years. Since the Game. And I’ve been in love with you for all those years.”
“I--what?” Neku jolts, staring at him. “Josh...? This isn’t a joke, is it?”
A laugh escapes his chest before he can respond to the question, biting down on his tongue to stop it from continuing. The pain is better than letting Neku think his answer is yes, it is a joke. “Trust me, Neku, this is not something I would dare to joke about.”
Neku’s face is scrunched up, so Joshua continues, “I love you. I’ve been in love with you ever since you didn’t fire that gun. I thought maybe it was a fluke, at first, emotional attachment to the one person who refused to betray me, but no. This isn’t some grade-school crush, and being friends with you has only made it grow.”
“Josh--”
He shakes his head, cutting Neku off. “Let me say my piece, please.”
Neku falls silent, and nods.
“I-- You’re so kind, and creative. I count myself lucky to have gotten back into your good graces, because there’s no place I’d rather be than at your side. You’re smart, and you have a quick wit. I could write poetry about the way you smile! I’ve composed songs from the pulse of your Music. Being around you makes me feel like I’m alive,” he breathes that last word out with a sigh, not daring to look up.
Silence hangs in the air with the ends of his sentences.
It’s not silent of course, the beat of Shibuya plays on. Carrs drone by, people laugh and talk. Music plays in the background of the stage where this scene takes place. A din of noise comes from the kitchen.
But it weighs him down, the oppressive force of Neku’s thoughts churning away in his head.
“I’m sorry.”
The silence breaks.
Joshua’s head snaps up, looking at him, to find Neku’s face red, tears forming in the corner of his eyes, which he refuses to wipe away, no doubt, so he doesn’t have to acknowledge them.
“It’s... It’s okay, if you don’t feel the same,” Josh mumbles. “I just... Needed to say it. Clear the air. I just thought, maybe... I thought you did. I haven’t spied in your head, but I thought I’d been reading your cues right. Guess not.”
Neku sighs. “You’re not... You’re not wrong, Josh, but I can’t. I cannot love you, because if I love you, I will die. As much as you feel alive, you aren’t. And I can’t do that to myself. To us.”
As Neku gathers his items to leave and gives him an apologetic smile, Joshua’s heart falls apart.
Joshua knows what love feels like.
But he doesn’t know what it’s like to have others love him.