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Untitled Goose Exchange 2: 2 Goose 2 Furious
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Published:
2019-11-13
Completed:
2019-11-16
Words:
1,003
Chapters:
3/3
Comments:
22
Kudos:
61
Bookmarks:
16
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443

Two Honks That Meet in the Night

Summary:

It has been a decade of lovely days in the village, and now it is time to go. The goose, however, honks in the face of the natural order and goes in the other direction.

Notes:

(See the end of the work for other works inspired by this one.)

Chapter 1

Chapter Text

It was first one lovely day and then another, and the lovely days grew into lovely months, which came one after another as lovely years in the village. The goose spent her winters honking up in the home of birds beyond the horizon, but come spring, she would fly back to the same village to terrorize its inhabitants.

After a decade, her honks grew feeble and wings weak. Most birds in her situation would've taken off and flown south for the last time, but she was a horrible goose, and she would honk in the face of the natural order.

A factory of some sort had opened next to the village. She opened the valves and caused the molasses in the tanks to flood the village, then flew off for the final time, honking triumphantly.

For three days and three nights, she flew to the north. She passed countless little villages and wild lakes on her journey.

Gradually, the terrain turned barren. She flew still further.

At the end, where the land turned to a vast dark stream, she touched down. On the other side lay the land of the dead, but she wanted to investigate a bit more before she went to torment the souls of the dead.

Half a day's walking found Tuonen Tytti and her boat. "Shoo," she said.

"Honk," the goose replied.

"Birds go to the south," Tuonen Tytti explained. "You're not supposed to be here."

"Honk!"

Tuonen Tytti sighed exasperatedly and rolled her eyes. "Fine, I'll give you a ride, but you can't go to the land of the dead."

The goose would take that. She hopped into the boat and let the human row across the freezing river.

Then she saw the Swan of Tuonela. The goose could only honk breathlessly at her beauty: she glided effortlessly across the icy waters, neck arched in perfect poise.

The goose flapped her wings and hopped into the river. "Hey!" Tuonen Tytti shouted behind her, but she had a mission.

She yanked a clump of grasses from the riverbank and swam over to the swan. Nervously she presented the grasses to this supernatural beauty twice her size.

The Swan of Tuonela gazed at her and the grasses consideringly, then accepted the offering.

The goose honked with happiness. Such a legendary beauty was interested in her!

The Swan of Tuonela munched in thought, then sang. It was the most beautiful song the goose had ever heard. She could only look up at the Swan of Tuonela in awe.

"Seriously?!" Tuonen Tytti called out from her boat, then swore and rowed back to the shore.

The goose honked with joy. The Swan of Tuonela covered her with a wing, and she was the happiest being in existence.

It was a lovely day in the stream of Tuonela, and she was a horrible goose with a wonderful girlfriend. She honked happily and planned all the ways she could be horrible to Tuonen Tytti and the souls of the dead.

Chapter 2

Chapter Text

The goose looked at the newcomer. Lemminkäinen, his name was. He avoided Tuonen Tytti with his hunting equipment.

He set nets in the river. The goose ate them.

He set traps on the shores. They went unsprung.

Gradually, the goose considered. There were geese elsewhere, and Lemminkäinen looked to be uninterested in crossing the stream or bothering Tuonen Tytti. That meant he could have only one target: the Swan of Tuonela.

The Swan of Tuonela might be larger, more beautiful, and with a much more spectacular singing voice, but she was retricted to the stream. The goose, however, had no restrictions. Even if she had, she'd have honked and broken them.

Under cover of darkness, she rose out of the stream. Lemminkäinen slumbered nearby. His bow and arrows were strewn next to him.

The goose did what she does best: she stole the bow and arrows and ran to the stream honking.

"Hey!" Lemminkäinen shouted behind her, but she had already jumped into the stream with a splash.

Lemminkäinen was running towards them. The goose shoved the bow into the Swan of Tuonela's beak, then took one of the arrows and pulled the end and the bowstring back. When she let go, the arrow flew in a wide arc towards Lemminkäinen.

He screamed. "Fucking goose!" he shouted and turned tail. The Swan of Tuonela indulged the goose for a while longer and the goose let loose another arrow towards Lemminkäinen's departing form.

Tuonen Tytti had been alerted by the noise and come to observe Lemminkäinen's ignoble retreat. She laughed so loudly she almost fell out of her boat.

The goose lived happily ever after in Tuonela's stream with the Swan of Tuonela, causing problems on purpose for Tuonen Tytti and the souls of the recently dead passing over the stream.

Chapter 3

Chapter Text

This newcomer wasn't dead.

He was Väinämöinen, and like the goose, he wanted to visit Tuonela and come back. Unlike the goose, he had to spend three days and three nights convincing Tuonen Tytti to bring him over.

When he eventually succeeded, Tuonen Tytti informed him that if he got stuck, that was his own problem. Väinämöinen got in her boat.

The goose, of course, watched this with interest. She swam about in the stream with her lovely swan girlfriend, but she was a horrible goose at heart, and Väinämöinen has something in his hands that looked dear to him.

The goose swam up to the boat. It was a kantele made of a huge pike's jawbone.

"Didn't Tuonela have a swan?" Väinämöinen asked.

"We do," Tuonen Tytti said. "She's over there. This is the Horrible Goose of Tuonela."

Väinämöinen's concentration turned to Tuonen Tytti to ask some question. The goose chose that moment to strike, and swam off with the kantele in her beak.

"Bring that back!" Väinämöinen yelled.

The goose dropped the kantele into the stream and honked. The Swan of Tuonela whooped, Tuonen Tytti laughed, and Väinämöinen cried.

Thus goes the legend of how the Horrible Goose of Tuonela defeated Väinämöinen.

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