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My biggest mistake is probably when I fell in love with my own best friend. My childhood friend who was always beside me, clings to me whenever I go until recently. But, I’m too afraid to crumble down our relationship. I want us to stay the same without him putting a distance to me, so I kept the feeling for myself for this past years. Only yearning and touching him in my wildest dream, only imagine that I’d hold him in my imagination. I fell in love with Tomioka Giyuu and I was too coward to let out my own feeling for this 21 years. So, when he had an accident and end up in hospital with amnesia, I deceived him. I took my own damn luck to fool him that we were together.
Deep down, I know what I did was wrong but I can’t helped it to desire Giyuu.
Ah, I am the sinner, after all...
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Sabito went to hospital in hurry. He didn’t care that he lost his own breath due to running from his home to the hospital, and he didn’t bother to call a cab too because it’ll take a much longer because of the traffic. The first time he arrived at hospital, he rushed to ask the nurse about where Tomioka Giyuu’s room was. He informed from the hospital by Tsutako-nee, Giyuu older sister. She knew so well that Sabito and Giyuu grew up together, and when Tsutako mention about Giyuu’s lost memory, Giyuu asking his sister about Sabito to be his side. Knew someone that you recognized would be better, wasn’t it?
“Tsutako-nee!” Sabito didn’t bother to wipe his own sweat, he tried to control his breath and inhale oxygen slowly. He was at 5th floor of the hospital now, Tsutako and her husband stood in front of Giyuu’s room. Tsutako herself didn’t bother to be called honorific “-nee” or sister by Sabito, since Tsutako already think Sabito as part of her family.
“Sabito! I’m glad you arrived so fast! Oh my god, did you run to come here?”
“I’m worried about about Giyuu. Is he injured badly?”
Tsutako smiled. “He only have a small wound over his leg and arm, but Doctor said he hit his head so the memory of his high school and college were... gone.”
“I think it’s better if you can talk with Giyuu, Sabito-kun. I’ll be waiting for father-in-law and mother-in-law to arrived here with Tsutako on first floor.” Tsutako’s husband put his hand of Sabito’s shoulder. “Please, accompany Giyuu. He’s just like a lost child.”
Sabito nodded before went inside the room after departed with Tsutako and her husband. Inside the white room, Giyuu sat with bandage on his arm, leg and head. He gazed outside the window which show him the variant color of night’s lamp on Tokyo. He didn’t even realized when Sabito come inside the room.
“Giyuu?” That voiced succesfully take Giyuu attention. He looked at Sabito and froze for a while. “Sa..bito?”
“Thank god you are still recognize me! Are you all right?” Giyuu nodded, but he gazed at Sabito in confusion.
“What’s wrong, Giyuu?” Sabito recognize that Giyuu was actually staring at him right now.
“Ah, nothing. I’m just suprised that you look more mature and tall now. You even cut your hair too, it’s short now. It seems that I’m looking at the future self of yours.”
“Ah, no wonder. Tsutako-nee mention that you lost your memory?” Sabito didn’t bother to sit down on Giyuu’s bed. They were childhood friend, and Sabito often had sleepover with Giyuu. Sleeping together with him already a habit for them both, so Giyuu didn’t mind it at all when Sabito sit down at his bed now.
“How much did you remember? What was your last memory?”
“Hmmmm... The graduation of our middle school?”
Sabito blinked. That’s really long time ago. Tsutako already mention about Giyuu lost his memory during high school and college, but he didn’t think it will be this far. “Wow we have a lot to catch up, Giyuu! Be grateful that we had our semester holiday now. I hope your memory will return before next semester come.”
“I’m sorry for bothering you, Sabito.” Giyuu gave an apologetic smile. “But I’m glad that you are still my best friend until now.”
Sabito didn’t respond immediately. He knew that what he’ll do next would be fatal for their relationship. He was too coward to let out his feeling before, so he just want to make this chance, even though he knew there will be consequences. He cupped Giyuu’s cheek used his hand, before move forward to kiss Giyuu’s lips slowly and gently. Sabito opened his eyes when he saw Giyuu’s widened eyes.
“Sabito...? What are you—“
But Sabito smiled and patted Giyuu’s hair gently. “It won’t be bothering me at all, Giyuu. You are my boyfriend afterall.”
Giyuu left dumbfounded, but after heard Sabito statement, he only nod. “Ah... I see. So we were dating.”
Sabito was frozen in dismay, didn’t know how to reach Giyuu’s respond about their relationship. “Are you not feeling weird? Or anything?”
“About...?”
“Our relationship? You didn’t get weirded by it or something?”
Giyuu laughed. “Of course not. You are my best friend, Sabito. I know you pretty well and you won’t be lying about this. Just how many years we had been together? We are already a pack since we were baby. So, if you say that we are something then I know it’s true.”
Sabito gulped. He knew this is so wrong in so many way, he had gambled Giyuu’s trust, and now he had to pay the price. But, this was what he wanted for a long time, his wished to monopolize Giyuu, his Giyuu. And the chance was in front of him now, just as sweet as nectar. Sabito’s desire for Giyuu had forced him to lie to Giyuu.
“Actually... We haven’t told anyone about our relationship yet since we are keeping it secret. Even for Tsutako-nee, so...”
“I understand, Sabito.” Giyuu nod again. “I believe you.”
Deep inside Sabito’s heart. He felt this guilt, he knew he already fooled his own best friend for his own benefit. He knew he was wrong, but he couldn’t deny it. He want Giyuu for so long and now, by lying to him like that, he wouldn’t be afraid to be together with Giyuu anymore. But...for how long? How long until Giyuu’s memory back?
Sabito didn’t give a damn care about that.
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“Say, Giyuu. Don’t be stubborn, let me help you until you reach your room upstairs!” Sabito tried to hold Giyuu’s body. After took some examination and Doctor said that the memory loss will take time, so he just need to let himself remember without being forced to. After the Doctor gave permission for Giyuu to come back, Sabito never left his side.
“It’s like what Sabito told you, Giyuu. Let Sabito help you.” Giyuu’s mom smile kindly when find Sabito and Giyuu get a bit quarell about Giyuu want to go upstairs himself, but Sabito won’t allow that.
Tsutako chuckled. “They are just like a couple! I wouldn’t mind it at all if Sabito become part of our family.”
“I know it, Sabito is really handsome and dependable. He would be best to support Giyuu. Nee, Tsutako?”
And both of them chuckled. Sabito gulped and push Giyuu upstair. ‘I hope it could be true.’ Probably what inner self Sabito told to himself.
After they come inside Giyuu’s room. Giyuu stared for a while for familiar yet unfamiliar room of him. There weren’t nothing much of a change but some of picture on his desk. About graduation of his high school and his photo group in university. Giyuu come inside and let himself sit down. “Sabito, what faculty did i took on college?”
“You were in Faculty of Art and Design, Giyuu.” Sabito also sit down beside Giyuu, tried to hold Giyuu’s hand slowly, wait for his reaction. After he saw Giyuu was okay with them holding hand, Sabito begin to ask question again. “Why? Is the photo group bothering you?”
Giyuu shake his head slowly. “No, I just feel bad for not remember them. And which departement?”
Sabito laughed. “Shouldn’t you try to figure it yourself? I think you already know the answer, Giyuu.”
“Ah... Architecture?”
“Yup.”
“Then what about you, Sabito?”
“Try to guess it.” Sabito put Giyuu’s hand slowly, entwined their hand together. Sabito then kissed Giyuu’s temple when saw Giyuu’s tried his best to think about what faculty Sabito went into. Giyuu could feel electricty jolt suddenly burst to his vein, and somehow his cheek feel a bit warm now.
“Hmmmm... Let’s see... Law?”
“You are right. I’m part of Law students here.”
“Say, Sabito... How long we had been together now?”
Sabito let out his fake smile so perfectly. He had been fooled Giyuu with his smile for this past years anyway, and he knew Giyuu wouldn’t notice it. “It’s on our college year, it’s 2nd semester of college.”
“That’s mean we already been together for 2 years?” Giyuu stop for a while before steal a gaze at Sabito’s eyes. “How far...?” Even without Giyuu finished his question, Sabito already know where this conversation lead into.
Sabito closed his eyes, and then smirked to Giyuu. He knew he lied to him, but it’s not his first lie after all. “Should I show you?” and Sabito pushed Giyuu on his bed, capture the pink-ish lips of Giyuu and tried to dominance the kiss. Sabito could see a flush on Giyuu’s cheek while looking at Sabito with eyes full of pleasure. Sabito couldn’t hold himself anymore.
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“Hey, Giyuu. Should I take you somewhere on weekend? You are free, right?” Sabito held his cellphone on his right ear, calling his claimed boyfriend who answer the call from other side.
“I don’t know. I prefer at home though.”
“Oh, C’mon. You were always love to spend your time in home for almost 2 months straight. Just for this once, date me at Water Park?”
Giyuu didn’t answer it immediately, but after a long pause, he agreed to go with Sabito.
“Great, I’ll fetch you at 9AM, OK? See you, Giyuu. Sleep well today.”
“See you later, Sabito. You too.”
Giyuu ended his phone call and threw his body to his bed. Even after one week had passed, he didn’t feel any of memory return to his side yet. He knew he couldn’t rush things but somehow he felt kinda guilty. “How was Sabito’s feeling when know that I lost most our precious memory together? Wasn’t he sad about it?” Giyuu closed his eyes and wondered if he could gain his memory soon.
Each time he was being together with Sabito, he could feel a strange, uneasy feeling when Sabito saw him with sad eyes. But Giyuu didn’t dare to ask why, he knew the reason, probably because Giyuu didn’t remember about their memory together. Who won’t be sad being forgotten by their own partner? And Giyuu prayed each day if his memory can return soon so they can be happy together like before. Because he trust Sabito with his own life, and he was sure that Sabito would always be the one who make him happier each day.
When morning came, Sabito already waited Giyuu on his front house at 8:50AM. Giyuu hurried to come down, he was wearing blue shirt and dark blue jeans with a long comfy jacket. He didn’t forget to bring his shoulder bag that matched with Sabito. He didn’t remember the detail yet, but he guessed that Sabito bought it for both of them.
Sabito himself was wearing a black shirt with a beige trenchcoat. He also wore a black leather pants with boots that matching his trenchcoat. “Shall we go?” Sabito asked gently, pull his arm toward Giyuu, so they can hold hand together. Giyuu’s parents already went out to work at this hour, and Tsutako lived with her husband, so nobody knew that they are together.
Giyuu reached Sabito’s hand without hesitation and they walked to bus stop while holding hand. When they reached the Water Park, they then headed to big Aquarium and bought two tickets. Sabito insisted to pay for both of them, even though Giyuu stubbornly insist to pay. But when he’s already determined, Sabito could be more stubborn than Giyuu. Giyuu sighed and promised to pay for their food in return.
They were happily walking to see many variant of fish, sometimes they recall the memory about Sabito adopted father, Urokodaki Sakonji threw both of them to swimming pool when knew Giyuu and Sabito couldn’t swim. That’s a hardcore way to teach them how to swim, and it nearly drown them. But unfortunately, of course if something gone wrong, Urokodaki wouldn’t hesitate to help them. That old man meant no harm, he just wasn’t good at teaching.
Sabito giggled when he recall their past memory, and Giyuu was curious now. “What’s wrong, Sabito?”
“Do you remember when we were still junior high schooler? My dad throw us into swimming pool.”
Giyuu laughed. He still remember well his past memory before his high school and college. “Your dad was a savage, Sabito. How could you even survive living together with him this whole time?”
“Well, he was strict parent. But he taught me well,” except not to lie to my own bestfriend. “Since he was single-parent, It was really hard when he raised me, since I have no mother figure. But, hanging out with you and your family make me feel like I have second family.”
They come to another room of Aquarium, which have less guest. Giyuu took some of the photograph of the Aquarium itself, to keep it as his new memory with Sabito.
Sabito reached Giyuu’s hand once more, but this time, he slowly raised Giyuu’s hand toward his own mouth, kissed his hand gently. “Giyuu, whatever happen, please stay beside me.”
Giyuu blinked, it’s really rare to find Sabito acted like that, like he begged for him not to let him go. Giyuu might be confused, but he just thought probably it’s part of Sabito that he didn’t remember during his high school and his college time. “I’ll always stay beside you, Sabito.”
Sabito let out that sad smile again before pull off Giyuu’s hand. And Giyuu couldn’t stop to wonder about his Sabito from his lost memory. That day, they spend their time to shopping and get meal together. Giyuu promised Sabito to treat him meal as exchange of paying him the ticket. They also went to sport centre and CD counter. The had a lot of fun that day. Sabito made Giyuu smile and laughed a lot, and Giyuu couldn’t stop himself to remember about his past once more, since it’s really make Sabito sad like that.
“I had a great day today, and i think my leg is killing me right now.” Giyuu sat down at the sofa, while Sabito came out from the kitchen to brought them a drink. It’s already evening and they stop by at Sabito’s house. Urokodaki have night shift so he won’t come back until midnight.
“It’s just because you rarely walk for this long, Giyuu.” Sabito chuckled before sat behind Giyuu and pull Giyuu into his bear hug. Let his arm circleing Giyuu’s body. Sabito let his lips on the crook of Giyuu’s neck.
Giyuu chuckled. “Sabito, that tickles.”
But Sabito didn’t respond it, he chose to stay like that for a while.
“Did you sad? When I lost my memory?”
No, I was overjoyed with it, Giyuu. “I was. You didn’t remember about me, after all. But, memories can be created again. If you couldn’t remember about us, it’s better if we make a new one, rather to chasing your lost memory. It’s not like I’m not sad when you lost your memory, Giyuu. But, I’m fine with you like this too.”
“That’s really strange thing that you ever said to me, Sabito. But, yeah, let’s creating our new memory, together. That’s kinda funny but it’s like we creating a new experience together.”
And Sabito’s hand pulled Giyuu’s head slowly to side, letting Sabito slowly devour his sweet lips and they stayed like that for a while. After dominating Giyuu’s tounge, Sabito pushed Giyuu on the sofa, letting him stay on top of Giyuu. His hand slowly reached Giyuu’s body, touching it tenderly. While Sabito kissed Giyuu’s neck once more and that’s enough to make Giyuu moan under his spell.
Giyuu’s voices become new melody to Sabito’s ear, after he heard it once, it become an addictive and he craving for more. A man that he desire for a long time, whose he afraid to break their relationship. Now, he could held him in his arm. Even though his action was no more than a lie.
That day, for the first time, Sabito finally held Giyuu on his arm. He tasted the lust of his desire toward Giyuu that he kept in secret for years. And each time Sabito lied to Giyuu, he was afraid that he will broke Giyuu. He was the worst of the worst, and he know about it.
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After not recovered his memory at all in one month, Giyuu finally gave up. He didn’t think about it again, and he was happy with Sabito too. Sometimes, Sabito will hang out at Giyuu’s room to told Giyuu about his past. The past that was mixed with Sabito’s sweet lie, but Giyuu didn’t even realize it because he trusted Sabito. Giyuu stayed at his room alone, he was just done with shower and decided to sleep. But, something caught his eyes. The red book on his shelf, it somehow kinda mesmerized him and he decided to take it. He didn’t remember that book, probably it’s there when he was in high school or college.
Slowly, he reached that book and decided to sit on his bed, turn the cover of the book and begin to see the contains of the book.
....today, Sabito bought us a pair of shoulder bag. He remember that i wanted to have a shoulder bag and consider to buy it for me.
It was his diary? Giyuu’s eyes suddenly lit up. Maybe he could remember about their memory together while reading his own diary. Pages to pages, he read it slowly, searching for his past memory about him and Sabito. But for each page that added to his read, his fear had become reality. It make sense now when he was done read his diary, why Sabito acted like that, why he always put a sad smile when he near Giyuu. While griefing about their relationship, his memory returned slowly. But, he never saw them together as couple before.
Giyuu let out a laugh, but it sound so painful even for him to heard it. “You are such a liar, Sabito.”
That morning, after make sure Giyuu’s parents already gone, Giyuu texted Sabito to come to his house. Of course Sabito gladly accepted that offer. Sabito wouldn’t even bother to wait for Giyuu to come outside because he already know where Tomioka family hid their key, so he just let himself in like usual.
“Giyuu? I’ll come inside.” Sabito slowly open Giyuu’s room, only find Giyuu sat on his bed while facing down the floor.
Sabito immediately throw himself to the floor beside Giyuu, worried. “Are you okay?”
And Giyuu slowly raised his head, the red of his eyes can clearly showed. “Are you done? Making fun of me?”
Sabito widened his own eyes. “Giyuu? What do you mean?”
“What do you mean? I should be the one who asking you this, Sabito! You tricked me this whole time to pretend to be my boyfriend!? How could you do this to me? I trusted you more than anyone. I trusted you yet you said nothing but a lie!”
Sabito gulped. “Giyuu, let me explained it to you.”
Giyuu didn’t respond so Sabito just let himself explain. “I know what I did to you was wrong, and I’m sorry for making you feel that way. I just loved you so much, but I was too coward to confess my own feeling to you. I didn’t want to break our relationship, I want us to stay the same. So, when you were lost your memory, I took advantage for it. I’m so sorry about it, let me make it right.”
“...are you done?” That was the coldest tone that Sabito ever heard from Giyuu. He never heard him talk like that before, not ever once. “You betrayed my trust, Sabito. You lie to me this whole time with your sweet liar. How could I know you? You are not someone that I know.” Giyuu didn’t hesitate when he saw Sabito flinch. “You are too coward to let out your feeling? Why you didn’t tell me earlier? Why you always think it for yourself. You are damn selfish, Sabito!” Giyuu raised his voices, and Sabito knew that he really fucked up. Giyuu rarely mad nor lashed out his emotion, and when Sabito witnessed it for first time, he realized it’s because his own fault.
“What did you expect me to say?” He smiled sadly, tried to hold back his fist for not touching Sabito’s face. “Get the fuck off! I don’t want to see your face ever again!”
“Giyuu ple—“ Sabito raised his head to see Giyuu, but when he saw it, he immediately regret his action. Giyuu showed his hurtful face after get betrayal by his own best friend.
“GET OUT!” and Sabito couldn’t talk anymore. He left Giyuu alone, he knew for a long time that lying to his own best friend won’t do any good for both of them. He knew Giyuu won’t ever accepted him anymore and he broke their frienship. He was hoping that Giyuu would accept him after he explained himself, but he was wrong.
Well, You rea p what you sow, right?
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Sabito tried his best to reach Giyuu. He called Giyuu after one day, but Giyuu didn’t respond at his call at all. He texted Giyuu, but Giyuu ignored all his texts. When Sabito tried to call Giyuu from the outside of his house, he abandoned him. Even the outside was snowing, Giyuu didn’t care at all. He let Sabito outside, waiting alone. When Sabito met Giyuu’s mom, Giyuu didn’t allowed Sabito to enter his room nor talk to him.
Sabito was Giyuu’s everything. Giyuu knew that he grow up and kinda fond of Sabito a lot. Giyuu always cling to him everywhere, and Giyuu trusted Sabito more than anyone, even from himself. Because sometimes, Giyuu can be a depressed person, pessimistic, he didn’t always think positively like Sabito. So he need Sabito to cheer him up, to support him emotionally. But, when Sabito betrayed his trust, it’s just like his world went upside down. He didn’t know what the right thing to do anymore, and he hated Sabito for lying to him.
It’s Tuesday afternoon when Giyuu just come out from his class. He bring some A3 sketchbook on his hand, while his bag were full of equipment of ruler, pencil and eraser. He tried his best to ignore Sabito for 3 weeks already, and it seemed Sabito didn’t know how to quit. Just like today, he saw Sabito in front of his departement, waiting for Giyuu. But Giyuu was still hurting by Sabito’s action, he just passed Sabito who still waiting, leaned his back to near a wall. And when he saw Giyuu just passed him, he said nothing. If Giyuu didn’t want to talk to him, he would wait for Giyuu.
Weeks passed, Month passed, and still, Giyuu didn’t even forgive Sabito. Not until that day, 1 years had passed since Giyuu decided to ignore Sabito’s existence. One day, Giyuu stop received Sabito call, he stop received his text message too. It strange, but Giyuu didn’t even bother to check it. And after 3 days passed, he just curious and check last text of Sabito for him. After 1 year, this is his first time open Sabito’s text.
Giyuu, I know you probably won’t read my text for today too. I just want to say goodbye to you. My father had work bussiness and we must move out . I already get my graduation paper early, it’s just 2 months until graduation afterall and I already finished the trial. I want to see you face to face for the last time, but I guess that won’t be happen again. I miss you. I miss you so bad, Giyuu. I wanted us to be back like before. I know I destroyed our friendship, but even if it’s a lie, I really enjoy our time together when I pretend to be your boyfriend. I never want you to avoid me like this, that’s the reason why I didn’t confess to you at first place. I hate being ignored by you. I’m afraid when you put distance to me like this. But I guess i deserved it. I’m sorry for everything. Maybe, it’s the best since we won’t meet each other anymore. I just wanted you to know that I’ll always praying for your happiness. Hope someday, you’ll ever forgive me, Giyuu.
Giyuu’s tears suddenly come up. Why he was too stuborn to let Sabito in his life again after a year? Why did he choose to ignore him? And now, it’s already too late for him to even meet with Sabito. Giyuu suddenly remember about the moment when he was together with Sabito.
“Are you not feeling weird? Or anything?”
“About...?”
“Our relationship? You didn’t get weirded by it or something?”
He remembered that time, the first lie that Sabito told him, desperate to make Giyuu believe that Sabito and he was together. But, that time, Giyuu also accepted him, wasn’t it?
“Oh, C’mon. You were always love to spend your time in home for almost 2 months straight. Just for this once, date me at Water Park?”
Giyuu still feel his happiness when they had a date on Water Park. When Sabito pick him up and they went together, hand in hand. They shared a lot of fun memory together.
“Giyuu, whatever happen, please stay beside me.”
And Giyuu finally understand why Sabito said something like that before. Stay beside me, yet Giyuu pushed him away. He didn’t even give Sabito second chance to fix all things that he messed up. Giyuu closed his eyes tightly, when he finally remembered one last memory of Sabito. Exactly after they had sex together, Giyuu thought he was half asleep before, he saw Sabito sat on his bed, hand in bridge of his nose and he looked vulnerable.
"I'm sorry, Giyuu. I'm sorry... I didn't deserve you at all. I'm a horrible person, my action did n't show how to be a man at all and I ashamed of myself. I'm sorry."
Giyuu didn’t mad at Sabito because he stole his first kiss, nor because he also took his virginity. But he was upset because Sabito didn’t tell him the truth that he in loved with him. Giyuu open his eyes, and finally tried to call Sabito. He didn’t even bother to search Sabito’s contact because he knew Sabito number. But when he tried to call him, he could heard a service on the other line, said “The number you tried to reach is not assigned.” Giyuu tried to call it again, maybe he put wrong number, but the result still same.
Could it be Sabito actually meant it when he said they won’t meet each other anymore?
“Why, Sabito?! Even though I want to say sorry to you.” Giyuu tried to hide his sob.
He realized that he also in love with Sabito, but it’s already too late, wasn’t it?
Not all the story will have their happy ending, and Giyuu think he was the one. He felt guilty for not accepting Sabito in his life, while knowing how hard Sabito tried to reconnect himself with Giyuu. All the hate that Giyuu threw towards Sabito was actually his way to show that he was upset because Sabito was lying and hiding his feeling to Giyuu, while Giyuu also in love with Sabito for a long time.
Ironic, isn’t it?
Once, Giyuu tried to ask his parents, or neighborhood if they know where Urokodaki’s family move out, but nobody know about it. They only knew Urokodaki and his family would move out, but they didn’t know where.
Both Sabito and Giyuu were too afraid to take the first step and just stayed at their comfort zone. And now, It’s already too late for Giyuu. Maybe, he could just live alone for now on, knowing that Sabito won’t be in his life anymore and he regretted it.
“If I could go back again, without me knowing about the truth.”
I wonder if this heartache will be gone someday? Ah, I wish I can meet you once more, Sabito.
_FIN_