Work Text:
“Have you ever kissed anyone?” is what Kunhang asks Yukhei, when they’re fourteen and staring at the sky above them, tired from running around Kunhang’s garden.
They’ve known each other for most of their lives, having been in the same school since kindergarten and having their parents frequently meeting on weekends. They know each other so well people often joke about them being twins, or one soul split in two different bodies. They don’t pay attention to it most of the time, because they’re kids, because they don’t care.
What they do care about is who’s the fastest, who’s the tallest, who’s going to be class president this year and who’s the biggest trouble maker. Their relationship is based on competition, based on who’s going to push it more, more, more, until one lets go. None did yet, and that’s why they’re here, lying on their backs, catching their breath after their race of the day.
Yukhei turns his head to Kunhang, eyebrows frown. He wonders why, suddenly, he’s asked that specific question. He wonders why Kunhang asked, because he must already know the answer, as they share everything. Yukhei still thinks about it, still tries to remember all the times he kissed and been kissed. He thinks that kissing his parents or extended family doesn’t count, isn’t what Kunhang wants to know. He thinks about that girl, back in kindergarten, who he kissed, but it was more of an exchange of saliva than a real kiss.
So Yukhei shakes his head no, asks “Did you?” back and watches as Kunhang responds the same. No, he didn’t.
They stay in silent for a bit after that, enjoying the late sun, the swift wind playing with their hair. Yet Yukhei can’t stop thinking about the kiss thing. He wonders is it’s normal, at fourteen, to never have kissed anyone that wasn’t family. He sees it, at school, how boys and girls hide during breaks and pretend to be adults for a couple of minutes. He sees how older kids hold hands and share kisses all over each other. And he wonders how it feels like, to kiss.
On tv, kissing is great. In books, kissing feels like butterflies and fireworks and sometimes rollercoasters. Yukhei wonders if he will feel like this, when he’ll end up kissing someone. He wants to feel the butterflies and fireworks, because that seems to be great. Seems to be expected. He imagines himself in front of someone he likes, during a date or after he confessed his feelings. He imagines himself confident and knowing.
“Do you want to try?”
Surprised, Yukhei turns his face to Kunhang, browns so high up his forehead his bangs cover them. He stays silent for a minute, processing, trying to make sense to Kunhang’s words.
“What?” he finally asks, blinking.
Kunhang turns his face then, locking his eyes into his.
“Kissing” he repeats “Do you want to try it?”
Yukhei is confused, doesn’t get what his friend his trying to say. A part of him says yes, of course he wants to try it. Another part of him wonders if Kunhang is asking him to kiss now, to see what it is like. But it can’t be, must not be, because that would be weird if two boys kissed, right? But again, he saw boys kissing on tv, one night, so maybe it isn’t as weird as he thinks it is. He swallows his saliva, not letting go of Kunhang’s eyes.
“Now?” he asks, wanting to be sure, wanting to prepare himself.
“Why not” Kunhang says back, turning his body completely to his side, facing Yukhei.
Yukhei doesn’t know what to say to that, for a time. He just stares back at his friend, wonder in his eyes, fear, too. Because what if Kunhang’s parents see them? What if their friends knew? What if they’re not supposed to do that? There’re too many questions in his head, to many expectations, too, and he doesn’t know how to deal with it. So he decides not to think. Decides to let go, just for a minute. Because there’s a dare, in Kunhang’s eyes. There’s something Yukhei doesn’t understand but wants gone.
Kunhang is making a bet. He’s tempting him.
And Yukhei wants to play the game, wants to show Kunhang that he’s not going to back off, ever. But there’s this little thing, inside his guts, that yells at him, tells him not to do it. Because a first kiss is precious, special. Because he’s supposed to kiss girls, not boys, especially not his best friend. But it’s just a game, right? He tells himself that. It’s a game. And he’s going to win.
So he nods, blinking. He feels anticipation in his blood, feels coldness in his heart, because they’re still outside, for everyone to see. But he shuts that done. He watches as Kunhang moves, getting closer, closer, closer, until there’s barely any space left between them. They stare at each other and Yukhei can see it now, the hesitation in Kunhang’s eyes now. How he doesn’t know how to start, how to procced.
So Yukhei gets his hand on his Kunhang’s cheek, making himself more comfortable. He does that because he was how boys always put their hands there, before kissing girls. He does that because it feels nice, the warm of Kunhang’s face.
“Is that ok?” he asks, not letting his eyes flutter away.
Kunhang nods, wets his lips. And he’s kissing him.
Yukhei doesn’t feel anything. Kunhang’s lips are on his, yet he doesn’t feel it. There’s no butterflies, no fireworks. He’s not on a rollercoaster. It’s just lips on lips, a little awkward, brief. When Kunhang pulls away, they stare ate each other. Yukhei doesn’t know what to say, what to do. What are you supposed to do after a kiss you didn’t appreciate?
But Kunhang saves him from having to say anything, as he gets on his back again, sighing.
“Well” he says “Kissing sucks”
-
They kiss again, after. For fun. Because they joke about how terrible kissing is, how terrible the other is at it. They kiss again because Yukhei makes a bet and who is Kunhang to say no to that.
“I’m going to be the best kisser” he tells Yukhei, malice in the eyes.
So they start the game.
-
At seventeen, they watch their first porn together.
It’s a bad quality, straight porn that one of Yukhei’s classmate sent him during math class. He got so red when he saw the title his teacher made him go to the infirmary, concern he might faint, or suffocate. That day, when he gets home with Kunhang, he feels like the worst person ever.
“He sent it to me, too” Kunhang says, falling on the bed.
Yukhei turns his head to his friend, not understanding at first. Then, Kunhang shows him the video, and Yukhei almost falls on the ground trying to avoid looking at it. Kunhang makes fun of him, of course he does, before getting more comfortable.
“Let’s watch it” he says, like it’s nothing.
Yukhei wants to say no, wants to hide in his closet or drown. There’s no way he’s ever going to watch porn, especially with someone next to him. Kunhang must see the panic in Yukhei’s eyes, because he sits up a bit, face soft.
“It’s no big deal” he tells him, a small smile on his face “It’s just you and me. I won’t tell”
Yukhei isn’t really appeased by that. He doesn’t know why, but the idea of it isn’t appealing to him. He wonders if it’s normal, for a sixteen years old boy, to not watch porn, to not feel comfortable with it, to find it quite bad by principal? He wonders if Kunhang thinks like him, if he’s ever watched one before, without telling him. Weirdly, he doesn’t like the idea of Kunhang, alone in his room, watching two people having sex.
“Have you ever watched porn?” Yukhei asks, eyes down, fixed on the phone.
He feels stupid, standing in the middle of his own room like that. He’s not used to feeling like this. Intimidated. Unconfident. He’s always the loud one, the prankster, the daring. Maybe it’s because he’s growing up. Maybe it’s because it’s straight and Yukhei found himself seeing boys instead of girls in his dreams lately. And he feels so wrong, when he wakes up. He feels so ashamed.
“I haven’t” Kunhang says.
Yukhei nods, slowly getting on the bed. Maybe, maybe he should let go, just this time. He should watch it, see if he likes it, see if his attention will fall on the girl. Maybe this will change his mind. His dreams.
When Kunhang starts the video, it’s blurry. They can hear some laughs, and then here’s the girl. She’s naked -already- and lying down on a bed way too big. It’s a short video, some fifteen minutes during which Yukhei never felt as confused and aroused. And it’s not because of the girl.
The video ends on the girl pumping the guy with her boobs, her fake laugh like screams in Yukhei’s hears. What does turn him on though, is the way the guy moans. The way his dick moves, inside and out, how it licks and throbs. It only gets to him that he’s hard in his pants when he feels a hand on him. Kunhang’s hand.
“You’re hard” he says, voice low, and Yukhei is sure he can hear the smile in it.
He jerks a little, hips moving, gasping at the sudden feeling of pleasure. His face gets red, redder than ever before, and Kunhang laughs at him. Again. And Yukhei is so, so confused. Because what the hell? Why is Kunhang, his best friend, touching his dick? He tries to step away a bit, but the pressure on him only gets stronger. The moans that escapes his mouth makes him want to cry.
“You like that?” Kunhang asks, eyes a weird shade of dark.
Yukhei blinks, tries to make sense of all of this. It’s so weird, what’s happening right now. It’s so weird how a video can make you feel so much in such a short amount of time. It’s not like Yukhei, to feel like this. All wrong and ashamed, almost disgusted. Because this is wrong, what he feels after seeing a dick. This is wrong, all of this is wrong and he wants to go back in time and be the confident, fearless Yukhei everyone thinks he is.
He wants Kunhang’s hand gone.
He pushes himself of the bed, takes a few steps before turning to Kunhang again. Kunhang who doesn’t seem affected by what they just saw. Kunhang who doesn’t seem affected by the fact that his hand was on Yukhei’s dick just a few seconds before.
“What-what are you talking about?”
Yukhei feels like he’s out of breath, like his lung aren’t working as they should, like his heart is going to beat its way out of his chest.
“The porno, you liked it?”
Kunhang’s voice is so low Yukhei almost misses it. He can’t miss the way his friend’s eyes change, though, how the pupils grow under the sunrise, how there’s something building in them.
“I—don’t know”
This isn’t really a lie. Yukhei doesn’t know if he liked the porn itself or just the vision of a dick being played with. He doesn’t know how to tell Kunhang that. He doesn’t know if his friend will understand, or mock him, or punch him, telling him to never speak to him again. Kunhang gets up, slowly. He stares at Yukhei for a couple of seconds before biting his lips.
“You want to try?”
It resonates in Yukhei’s hears, the way Kunhang speaks. It resonates like something he heard before, like something they’ve done, like that time they kissed for the first time. And again, Yukhei is confused. It’s odd, the feeling in his chest, the way his throat is tight. Again, he can’t believe Kunhang is asking this. Can’t believe that if he says yes, things will take a turn he’s not sure to be ready for.
Part of him wants to say yes, because that would be lying to pretend he never thought about how Kunhang would sound once they do more than just kissing. The other part of him yells, begs him to back off because there’s no way something like this is ending well. Ever.
Yet.
“I don’t have boobs tho”
Time seems to stop then, as Kunhang looks at him with wide eyes. And then, like he’s always done, he starts laughing. The kind of laugh you make to relax yourself, the kind of laugh that allows you to exhale. And again, Yukhei is losing face.
“I know, you absolute dumbass” Kunhang says, taking a few steps towards him, closing the distance.
It’s quiet once Kunhang’s laugh fades away. It’s quiet as they breath in each other’s space, face, mouth. It’s quiet yet Yukhei’s ears are bleeding from how loud his heart beats in his chest, from how loud he thinks. He bets Kunhang can hear it, hear all the chaos going on inside of him. Kunhang looks up at him and it’s only then that Yukhei realises how taller he’s gotten, how he has to lower his head to stare back, how his nose could easily touch Kunhang’s forehead.
Yukhei desperately wants to do something, but he doesn’t know what. And it’s killing him.
Kunhang moves his hands, linking them behind Yukhei’s neck, moving himself closer in the process.
“Stop thinking so much” he says right before kissing him hard on the mouth.
Yukhei gasps at that, not expecting Kunhang to be so forward, so confident, so open about doing something like this with another boy, with his best friend. But Yukhei is weak. For the way Kunhang kisses him, how he learned to kiss him, learned how to move his lips, his tongue, his entire body. Yukhei is weak for boys, and one in particular.
Yukhei lets himself be moved towards the bed, lets himself be laid down and kissed harder. He lets Kunhang play with his lips and hair, with his neck and hips. He lets his legs open up, allowing space for Kunhang to take place in. He jerks up when he feels something hard against his thigh, when Kunhang moves. And only then does he release. Only then does he see, feel, how his friend is shaking, breathing fast and unsteady. Only then does he feel the butterflies.
“You’re hard too” he breathes out, blinking the haze away.
“Yeah” Kunhang answers, voice low and raw, making the blood in Yukhei’s veins boil.
He wonders if it’s because of him. He wonders if it’s because of the porn. He wonders if Kunhang might like boys, too. Might want him like Yukhei wanted him. It’s confusing, being attracted to your friend, especially when you’re both boys. It’s also scary, to want them. Because you never know how they would react, feel, do. But at that moment, Yukhei thinks it doesn’t matter, not with the way Kunhang is moving against him, making the friction of their erections so painfully good.
“Like this ok?” Kunhang wonders, pushing himself on his hands, not stopping the back and forth of his hips.
Yukhei closes his eyes, moaning at a particularly hard snap, fists closing around the hem of Kunhang’s shirt. He wants to say yes, wants to move quicker, touch him more. They’ve never been this far before, always stopping at kissing, and some butt touching. But they always laughed it off, like it was no big deal. But this. This feels completely different, completely new and exhalating in a way Yukhei never though was possible. He wants to say yes, this is good, but all he can do is moan again, hands going down Kunhang’s butt, pushing him even harder, deeper.
Kunhang growls at that, moving faster, his hand moving, and soon enough, Yukhei’s shirt is lift up. And there’s a hot and wet feeling on his nipple next, Kunhang liking at it, making Yukhei squeak, back arching. This is so much and new at once Yukhei doesn’t know how to react. What he does know, however, is that he likes this, likes the way his nipple is played with, how hot Kunhang feels against him, and he wants, wants, wants.
“I want more” he whines, body trembling.
And he regrets it right away, fear growling in his guts. Because, again, they’ve never went this far, never talked about it. And Yukhei knows, knows there’s nothing to talk about because them kissing sometimes is just a game, a stupid game, but he’s been loving it in a way he’s not supposed to and it’s been scaring the shit out of him. He wants to take it back, rewind time and stop himself from opening his mouth.
“Yeah?” Kunhang whispers back, looking up at him.
Yukhei can see in his eyes something different, something more, something dark, like lust. It’s not completely foreign, as he had a glimpse of it before, when their kisses would grow in intensity, but it was never as pronounced as now. It takes Yukhei’s breath away, the beauty of it all. The dark eyes slightly covered by darker hair lazily falling around.
Yukhei never saw something so deathly beautiful.
“What do you want Yuhei?” Kunhang wonders, moving up, biting at his lower lip, tearing up a whine from him. “Whatever you want, I’ll do it”
Yukhei’s brain has difficulty to follow, but his body doesn’t. It moves without his command, making their hips rub again. They both moans, Kunhang falling more into him.
“Your words Yukhei” he warns.
There’s a lot of things Yukhei wants. Hands, nails, legs, butt. But there’s this thing, in the back of his mind that won’t leave him rest. And he wants to asks, he wants to try, but he also doesn’t want to push his luck. Yet, this might be his only chance. So he assembles the confidence left in him before speaking.
“Your- your mouth” he whispers “I want your mouth”
It’s so shameless, the way his voice shakes, the way his desire is so visible. But he can’t stop, doesn’t want to stop now that he started. The way Kunhang looks at him doesn’t help, either.
“Like in the video” he specifies “I want your mouth that way”
It’s sloppy, and it lacks technique when Kunhang starts blowing him, but it’s so good, so good and warm, and wet Yukhei feels like he’s going crazy. And maybe he is, maybe he’s going crazy because the way he arches his back, the way his legs shake, the way his hands grip at Kunhang’s hair is nothing but pure pleasure. Kunhang’s moans and fever to give him more, more, more, doesn’t help Yukhei’s case.
He comes in a ridiculous short amount of time.
-
They do it again. Sometimes. For the game.
-
They have sex for the first time, at the end of summer before entering their last year of high school.
Like all first times are, theirs was awkward and full of giggles, sweaty hands and clumsy movements. But it was them, so entirely them that it didn’t matter. It didn’t matter that they didn’t really know much about sex, it didn’t matter that they were both boys, it didn’t matter that this whole thing wasn’t planed.
They hadn’t seen each other all summer, as Yukhei spent time with his family back in Thailand and Kunhang stayed here to help in his parents’ restaurant. But they talked, and talked, and talked, so much that it didn’t seem like they were half the world away from each other. And when Yukhei came back, surprising Kunhang at the end of his shift, it didn’t seem like they hadn’t been around each other for two months.
Yukhei didn’t mean to kiss Kunhang in the middle of the parking lot, in public, against his car, but it happened anyways. It happened because the smile Kunhang gave him when he saw him was breath taking. It happened because Yukhei fell in love with Kunhang, in such a slow yet sudden way, he couldn’t stop himself from feeling more of him any chances he got. And Kunhang kissed him back, kissed and kissed until they were out of air, chest heavy.
Yukhei’s head was dizzy, euphoric, overruned by butterflies. They never talked about it, the kissing, the touching. And it drove Yukhei crazy, not being able to put a name on it, on them, on what they were. Friends, best friends, more, so much more. He didn’t know. He was just a stupid boy in love not wanting to destroy something that was so, so good.
And that night, when they were lying down on Kunhang’s bed, staring at the ceiling, nothing was planned either.
“Have you ever had sex?” Kunhang asked him, out of nowhere.
Yukhei turned to him, eyes soft. It became another one of their game, the questions already answered. Like the one back when they were fourteen, about the first kiss. Like the one back when they watched porno for the first time. They both knew the answers, both new the other like the back of their hands, but they had to ask anyways, in case they missed something.
Yukhei liked that about them. Liked how they knew each other so much, could predict the other’s actions and thoughts. He liked how it all felt so easy, so natural, when he was around Kunhang. That’s why he wasn’t ashamed or embarrassed to answer, to show, even, how he felt.
“I only ever had you”
And it went smoothly, for the most part. Kunhang kissing him then, making space in between his legs, marking his presence with hickeys, asking if Yukhei wanted to try it out. It all felt natural. Easy. Them.
They had sex for the first time in Kunhang’s room, curtains open. Like all first times, theirs was awkward and full of giggles. But it didn’t matter. It didn’t matter that they didn’t really know much about sex, it didn’t matter that they were both boys, it didn’t matter that this whole thing wasn’t planed. Nothing mattered more than this.
They laughed at their shaking hands, at the shyness, at the blown pupils, bad hips movements. They moaned at shaking hands touching sensitive places, at the bad hips movements reaching places particularly pleasurable, at the sensation of heat, tightness, building orgasms.
And Yukhei felt it. The rollercoaster. The greatness. He was drunk on it.
“Yukhei” Kunhang whispered, once they were done and catching their breath, fingers wrapped together in between their bodies, still processing what they just did. “I’m so in love with you”
Yukhei stared at him for a moment, eyes full of unleashed tears he kept in himself for the past few years. And he kissed him.
Except now, it wasn’t a game anymore.