Work Text:
The walk towards Café Rosy was short, but it felt like an eternity to Shuhua. Was it because she was excited? Or because it had been years since they last saw each other? Either way, she was glad.
Her last memory with the group had been bittersweet, knowing that they had achieved every possible dream and more. Saying goodbye to the people she considered a family even more than her own was the hardest thing of all, but it felt like the best thing to do at the time. They couldn’t go on like that. Shuhua knows that each and every one of them is aware that if they keep performing the way they are, they would eventually hate themselves, and hurt each other in the process. And of course, their fans understood. Neverland always did, and they always would. Maybe that was why she left for Taiwan. She didn’t want to be understood, she wanted them to blame her, like how she was blaming herself.
***
The dorms, which was once upon a time bustling with energy and dolphin-like screams from overly-active members, is now deathly quiet, save for zippers being zipped and luggage being packed.
“Are you really sure about this, Shu?” Soojin weakly asked her, unsure.
Shuhua smiled.
She had always been grateful for Soojin. Her first ever friend in Korea, where she was forced to grow up quickly and have a mature mindset, Soojin reminded her that it was okay to lean on others sometimes. She was like her mom, soft and caring, and Shuhua once dreamed of marrying Soojin and imagined a future where she would be the one to take care of her forever.
(But it’s different now.)
“Yeah, yeah I am. I mean, I need to take a breather, unnie. I’ve always been a performer, and suddenly I’m not. I think going home would help me clear my mind and think of what I wanna do with my life.” Shuhua replied with a slight chuckle.
(They both know it’s a lie.)
“..if that’s what you want to do, then. I won’t stop you.”
“Thanks, Soo unnie.”
“Don’t thank me, Yeh Shuhua. I’m only letting you go because you need to figure yourself out.” Soojin said with a pout.
Shuha laughed at that. She’s really going to miss her.
“Awww Jinjin, that’s exactly why I’m thankful.” she exclaims as she throws herself onto Soojin.
“Jesus Christ Yeh Shu- you’re gonna crush me..!”
“I wuv you too Soosoo!”
***
The wait at the airport was as chaotic as it can get. With Yuqi and Minnie bawling their eyes out and threatening to destroy Shuhua’s luggage, Shuhua can’t help but respond with, “With you and what fists?” which probably doesn’t help, because it makes Minnie stomp her feet like a baby having tantrums.
“Minne unnie, stop that will you? There are reporters in here!” Shuhua whisper-shouted.
“I don’t care !” Minnie was wailing at this point. “This is so unfair! Why won’t you let us come with you?” She asks, her tears not stopping anytime soon.
“Because..! As I’ve told you again and again, I need to figure things out on my own.” Shuhua explained.
“Can’t you figure things out with us?” Yuqi who is lot calmer now, asks her, sniffling.
Shuhua smiled sadly. Facing Yuqi, she softly said,
“Unnie, I would love to do that, but I think that I really need to be alone for this one. I feel like the time that I’ll spend back home would be my time to heal, and God knows how much all of us needs that right now.”
Yuqi just looks at her with quivering lips and unshed tears.
(Shuhua wonders if the tears are for her or for someone else.)
***
Soyeon approaches her last, the moment her flight had been called and she’s preparing to board the plane.
“Hey, Shushu.” the leader calls.
“Yeah?”
Soyeon goes near her and lazily links their arms. Looking up at Shuhua, she says,
“I know that a lot’s going on in your mind right now, but I also know that you’re a tough girl. You’re gonna get through this. I know you are.” Soyeon reminds her. “But if you ever feel like it’s too much for you to bear, or if you feel too alone, just remember that we’re always one call away, yeah?”
Shuhua swallows the lump in her throat. Soyeon was the perfect leader. Not only because she puts together the best stages, or because she produces great music. She was, is the best because she always knows what to say, what the members needed to hear. She puts the members’ needs above all else and for that, Shuhua is grateful.
“Unnie, I’m gonna miss you, you know that? I feel like I can’t bother anyone there without you being my partner in crime.” Shuha says shakily, hugging Soyeon tightly.
“Hey! Why are you two hugging each other without us?” Minnie calls as she drags Soojin and Yuqi over to join the hug.
They stay like that for a while until Shuhua’s flight number is called for the second time.
She bids them goodbye, but before she gets checked in, Soojin runs to her and hugs her for the last time, whispering softly.
“Please forgive yourself, Shu. You know she’d hate it more if she sees you blaming yourself for everything that’s happened.”
“I-I’ll try.”
(She tries.)
***
She goes home to her parents, who welcome her with open arms as soon as she arrives at the airport. She spends her first three months in Taiwan travelling, finally spending her hard-earned money after eight years of being an idol.
She travels, and tries to find cute things in every landmark that she visits.
She’s going to love these cute trinkets. Shuhua thinks, smiling to herself.
(She tries.)
***
She accepts a drama role during the third day of her eighth month in Taiwan. It’s about a girl who loses her one great love, realizing too late that she had been chasing the wrong person all along. Cliché, she knows, but she had never felt such a strong feeling of déjà vu from reading the script.
She sits on her bed that night, reading and re-reading the script until the lines are drilled into her head. Because if she’s being honest, she doesn’t need to memorize anything. She just has to close her eyes and watch the scenes play in her head over and over again.
Miyeon playfully trying to kiss her in front of the camera.
Miyeon’s greasy ass pick-up lines.
Miyeon and her secret Hello Kitty collection.
Miyeon patiently helping her with Korean words.
Miyeon playfully waving at her with a plastic full of snacks.
Miyeon running towards her as fast as she could that night.
Miyeon pushing her out of the highway, just enough for Shuhua to be safe near the pavement. But not herself.
Miyeon’s body in a pool of blood.
Miyeon choking out her last “I love you, Shuhua.” with every bit of energy she can muster.
Miyeon smiling softly, eyelids slowly closing as Shuhua desperately says it back.
Miyeon, Miyeon, Miyeon.
I accepted the script because I thought it was a sign. Happy birthday, Miyeon unnie.
(She’s still trying.)
***
The drama, as expected, becomes a big hit. The director praises Shuhua for such excellent acting, saying that she should star in his next movie. Shuhua politely declines, saying that she needs a break after all the promotions that they did.
(In all honesty, she doesn’t think she’s ever going to find it in herself to act again.)
(She does, eventually, portraying herself in her first and last movie.)
***
The walk towards Café Rosy was short, but it felt like an eternity to Shuhua. She’s back in Korea after two years of break in Taiwan, and she’s seeing her rowdy members through the glass windows of the café. She pushes the door and heads towards their table.
Yuqi notices her first.
“Oi! Yeh Shuhua! You’re ten minutes late!”
“Yuqi, can you please lower down your voice?” Soojin sighs. “Hey, Shu!” Her voice becomes more excited while greeting the youngest.
“Hi, unnie! Why aren’t you guys ordering yet?” Shuhua asks as she sits down their booth.
Soyeon answers her.
“Hyejoo and Chaewon wanted us to try their new cakes for free because they knew you’d be visiting today for the first time since you went to Taiwan.”
“Oh my god free food?!” Shuhua shouts excitedly.
“See! Even Shuhua’s excited!” Yuqi exclaims.
“She isn't as loud as you, babe.” Minnie says.
Yuqi looked like she’d been shot through the heart, while the other three burst out laughing. Minnie smirks.
“I can’t believe you betrayed me, Minnie.” Yuqi pouts.
Hyejoo and Chaewon finally approaches their table with two whole cakes, looking at Yuqi quizzically.
“Why does Yuqi unnie look like a kicked puppy?” Hyejoo asks.
Chaewon snickers. “She looks like you when Jiwoo unnie teases you, Hye.”
“I’m not a puppy, I’m a wolf!” Hyejoo exclaims.
Soyeon snorts at that. “Whatever you say, furry.”
The people at the table bursts out into laughs after hearing Soyeon’s statement. Hyejoo blushes beet red and stutters, trying to save the last of her dignity.
“Th-that’s! I-i’m not—! My representative animal is a wolf !” Hyejoo indignantly says as Chaewon drags her back to the kitchen, also laughing as hard as the others.
Shuhua takes the scene in front of her, drinks it in. She observes with a smile on her face.
Soojin nudges her. “You ready for later?”
“I’m excited to see her.” she replies.
***
It’s been three years since she lost Miyeon, and Shuhua wishes that everything would just be a bad dream, that she would wake up and find herself in a loud dorm, body aching from last night’s dance practice, but still happy, because when she pads to the dining room she would see Minnie and Yuqi shamelessly flirting with each other, Soojin trying to cook, and Soyeon staring blankly at the mess they’ve made so early in the morning.
And that someone would come bursting through the front door, shouting her morning greeting.
(”Shu! Look I got you snacks! I dunno if you’re still craving for that melon bread you wanted last night but I bought two, and also some chips, if you want?”)
The only thing that greeted Shuhua now is deafening silence and an engraved monument of pure white. A reflection of the person they’ve chosen it for.
This is the first time that Shuhua visited Miyeon’s grave, and judging from the dull ache in her chest, she likely won’t be returning anytime soon.
“Hey, unnie,” she starts, laying out a blanket on the grass to sit on, “Brought you flowers. I would’ve brought some snacks but I’m sure I’d only be the one eating them,” Shuhua chuckles lightly.
“I got cast in a drama some months ago, you would’ve been ecstatic to see it. Oh, and I also brought you these,” she says, laying out the trinkets that she collected over the years abroad.
Shuhua sits in silence, feeling the wind on her face, and lets her mind wander.
She thinks of the times where her only company in a foreign country was someone so patient, understanding, warm.
Now she’s left all alone again, this time with nothing but silence and a cold, cold stone, meant to encase the person who’s left the most warmth in her life.
(Shuhua lets herself cry.)