Chapter Text
Boketto- (v.) the act of gazing vacantly into the distance without a thought.
As an idol, they were expected to be constantly aware.
They had to know if the cameras were rolling, if they were being filmed, how they were appearing, if fans could see them, if sunbaes of the industry were passing by-
They were not allowed to be caught unawares.
No matter how tired, no matter how bored, no matter how wandering their minds got- they were not allowed to simply space out, lest they risk being caught off guard and making fools of themselves (or worse).
They helped each other out- sitting in interviews and noticing when one person got a little too hazy-eyed, not paying attention to the questions being asked.
They couldn’t be caught off guard by a question- they had to know what they were going to say.
Seonghwa and Hongjoong were usually the most vigilant- tapping members or nudging them with their foot to get them back to the matter at hand. Vacant eyes would snap back into focus and their shoulders were straighten to show they were listening.
In practice, as well, you had to be focused. They had to take in each criticism and apply it perfectly, not letting yourself fall back into the lazy half-move you had gotten comfortable performing.
It was mentally exhausting- that constant strain on the mind.
And so, when they did have those few moments where there were no cameras, no instructors, and no interview questions looming- they took full advantage of sitting in the van and sleeping, or staring mindlessly at a video playing.
When they were in the dorms, it wasn’t uncommon for people to go straight to sleep after showering, or to find someone almost running into walls for how tired they were- barely able to keep their eyes open.
Here and there, Seonghwa might stumble on Wooyoung staring at the television, his eyes open but glazed over- watching just to have something to stare at as he spaced out into his own mind.
Maybe reviewing choreo or maybe just experiencing white noise.
Yunho tended to take extra long in the showers, simply for standing under the spray and letting his head wander to all sorts of places (Seonghwa was guilty of this one, especially). Just basking in the warm spray and calm atmosphere, and suddenly you were thinking about what dogs might look like after another thousand years of human occupancy.
It was a dangerous place.
Jongho would sit at the dinner table with a bowl of cereal, cheek resting against a fist and eyes staring blankly at the wall with a spoonful of food hovering in front of his mouth but going nowhere.
They were tired. And every moment they were in front of cameras and professionals, they had to act professional.
They were only kids, but they had to act professional.
So they really disturbed each other when they walked by and just saw someone staring at nothing, eyes a million miles away. On occasion, Seonghwa might tap their shoulder, just to be sure that they weren’t getting lost in anything too serious.
(He could usually tell, though, just by the expression on their face whether they were violently obsessing over a voice crack on stage or just giving themselves a break from the constant stimulation of life.)
They were all stressed and tired, so they all had these moments.
However, the rarest person to ever sit in these moments of peace was Hongjoong.
The man never stopped.
From the moment they woke up, he was discussing their schedule for the day. During the schedule, he was passing messages and ensuring everyone knew what they were doing. In the van rides, he was monitoring stages and going over scripts with them.
After practices, he was staying behind to practice or compose until late at night. And then he would return to the dorms to eat, shower, and then mess around on his laptop- writing lyrics or arranging music- until he fell asleep with his computer still on and loud music filtering through his headphones.
Repeat the next day and the next- for weeks.
Seonghwa admired that about Hongjoong- his ability to keep going and going. The issue began to arise when he just kept going .
Seonghwa kept waiting for the day that Hongjoong would decide he had done enough. For the breaktime that he would decide he could actually rest, rather than using it to occupy other things required by him.
For their day off when Hongjoong would finally sleep in and wake up late- yawning, eating a regularly paced meal and just lounging around with the rest of them- rather than grabbing something quick before bouncing off to the studio.
It never came, though.
So many comebacks, and Seonghwa hadn’t seen him stop yet. Anytime he saw Hongjoong, the others was focused on something intently- only drawn out by a physical touch that Seonghwa administered to tell him to come eat.
It didn’t affect his mood too badly- just a stressed night here and there when things didn’t go right. Hongjoong continued to joke and play with the others, he continued to tease Seonghwa lightheartedly, and he continued to be one of the most hardworking people Seonghwa had ever seen.
Seonghwa just didn’t know how to get him to calm down with it all.
Trying to pull him away from these projects was near impossible, and Seonghwa had stopped trying quickly.
The only times Seonghwa ever saw Hongjoong still and silent was when he was sleeping or spacing out.
The whole “spacing out” thing didn’t happen often- Hongjoong didn’t allow it to happen often. His eyes would start to drift tiredly, and Seonghwa would hold his breath, hoping that they might fall shut, but Hongjoong would snap them awake and return to work with a new vigor.
However, the few times that Hongjoong did finally slow- when there was finally nothing in front of him to occupy his attention, and when he finally took a breath- Seonghwa was mesmerized.
Nothing lifted Seonghwa’s spirits more than entering a room and finding Hongjoong stared at a wall, fingers tapping to no rhythm and looking as if not a single thought was passing through his mind.
When they were in the vans and they were done for the day and there was nothing else to do, and Hongjoong would put his headphones on, leaning against the window. And instead of watching his eyes flicker to watch the buildings and cars pass by, he would watch them glaze over with vacancy.
It was probably a pretty stupid thing to get excited over, but Seonghwa had come to realize that this was the only break Hongjoong was going to get.
Thus began to process of shushing the others when they got too loud while Hongjoong spaced out in the waiting rooms. Telling them not to knock on their bedroom door because Hongjoong had his headphones on and was dead to the world.
Hongjoong was a dynamic human- always bouncing and moving and tapping and running. Like a solar-powered turbine, he just kept going and going, and it was amazing to watch that unfold day after day. Watching that energy that was fueled from being able to do the things he loved, even if it was hard.
Seonghwa had gotten used to watching the endlessly looping machine that Hongjoong was- bright and everlasting- and so it was always a little shocking when he finally stopped.
Seonghwa was always a little taken aback, a little breathless at the sight of Hongjoong staring off.
For once, his eyes wouldn’t be bright with energy, but lightened with a natural glow that Hongjoong possessed, even when sitting completely still.
His legs and arms that were always tapping and bouncing would be still in his lap, loose and languid without the constant surge of energy flowing through them.
His lips would always part slightly- as if he were trying to think of what to say, but couldn’t bother to actually create the noise. Small but defined, pink lips parted in thought (or non-thought), only moving to moisten them when his breath would dry them out.
Seonghwa always wondered what he thought about.
Whether it was more work-related things, just being considered in a quiet manner for once. Whether it was nothing- just blank, white noise filled with nothing but peace. Whether it was about his past or their future. Whether it was happy or not, whether it was good or not.
Sometimes, Hongjoong would sit like for much longer than any of the others- minutes passing like butterfly wing beats, and suddenly an hour would have passed that Hongjoong had spent thinking of nothing and everything.
Seonghwa always kept an eye one him. Hongjoong had a tendency to obsess and over-stress on the littlest things. Seonghwa would sit (Hongjoong seemed completely unaware of him, despite the fact that Seonghwa had greeted him when he first entered), and watch carefully for the tick down of Hongjoong’s brows.
For the slight furrow there, the slightest discomfort in his eyes that had begun to strain-
Seonghwa would stand and place a hand on Hongjoong’s shoulder, drawing him out of his thoughts and sitting beside him.
“What’re you thinking about?” he’d asked casually.
Hongjoong would look at him, startled for a moment at the sudden withdrawal from his own mind. And if they were alone, he might lower his eyes, trying to remember what he had been thinking about.
“Just wondering if we’ll actually make it.”
“Just something that happened at practice.”
“Just thinking about the meeting we have later.”
And if they weren’t alone- if the others were gathered around as well, snickering as Hongjoong snapped back to reality violently- Hongjoong might hesitate. Might glance around at the others who were really no less in age than them, but that Hongjoong had drawn a small line between leader and group.
And sometimes, Hongjoong would just shrug, and Seonghwa would never find out what it was that bothered him. And sometimes, he would whisper it quietly, careful not to make it into a big deal. And sometimes, he was confident enough to voice it so that the others might hear if they cared to listen in.
Once, though, Seonghwa had been sitting across from Hongjoong at their dining table (unnoticed by him, somehow) and he saw Hongjoong’s lips suddenly twitch, eyes blank and vacant, a million miles away. But his lips lifted in the smallest smile- a light gathering in his distant eyes.
It was a beautiful sight, and Seonghwa found his own lips curving as he tapping the table pointedly.
Hongjoong blinked, eyes focusing on Seonghwa- not looking surprised to find him there- and Seonghwa smiled expectantly at him.
“What’re you thinking about?” he questioned, Hongjoong’s face seeming torn for whether it should continue to smile or not.
In the end, he smiled quietly, like warming your hands after being in the cold. “I was imagining if we won first place.”
Seonghwa made a noise of understanding, something warm gathering in his stomach.
But Hongjoong went on, leaning on his fist. “And it was stupid, but I couldn’t help but think about… years later,” he murmured. “If we’d still be together for that long… If we’d make it big and still stick together.” His eyes got a little distance, but they held onto that light. “I think we will.”
Seonghwa stared, a little stunned by the confession, but it warmed his blood and chest like alcohol- making him smile a little dumbly as he sat forward.
“Well, sorry I interrupted it,” he apologized, making Hongjoong shake his head.
“How will we ever reach there if I spend all my time daydreaming?” he posed, standing from his chair and grabbing a bottle of water from the fridge. “I’m gonna be working in our room, okay?”
Seonghwa should have known. But he smiled, nodding. “I’ll keep the kids away.”
Hongjoong simply nodded in thanks, walking away and Seonghwa heard the distant sound of their door closing and clicking shut.
He was sure that Hongjoong would work deep into the night, long after Seonghwa had managed to fall asleep.
But, he had gotten a little moment of peace and a more-than-little happy thought to keep him going.
That was good enough for Seonghwa, for now.
Maybe tomorrow, there’d be an even better daydream for Hongjoong, who had carried so many of their own dreams successfully.
They got first place.
The whole night a whirlwind of emotion and thanks- Seonghwa barely even able to process what was happening-
Like tunnel vision, he saw Hongjoong stand on the side of the stage, hand pressed to his mouth, expression twisted like the worst kind of agony, but Seonghwa knew that it was a joy of indescribable nature.
Seonghwa was suddenly hugging them- tighter than the two of them had ever really had a reason to hug- and Hongjoong clung to him, all the days they had spent training and preparing seeming to crest and culminate in this one moment.
“ Thank you .”
It was all Seonghwa could manage to say. He wasn’t even sure Hongjoong heard him over the screaming fans and music beginning to play. But he said it anyway. Because Hongjoong had played a huge role in getting them this.
Seonghwa had to wonder what sort of daydream Hongjoong might have now. Now that their first win was obtained, what was the next goal?
Seonghwa noticed it almost right away- the way that Hongjoong seemed to space out more. Shorter periods of time (sometimes only a few seconds), but much more frequently.
In the car, backstage, in interviews, at meals, on stage, at practice- Seonghwa wasn’t sure what it was, but every time Hongjoong wasn’t being directly spoken to, he was staring off.
“What’re you thinking about?” Seonghwa would ask after he had to snap his fingers to get his attention.
Hongjoong would look slightly panicked, being caught off-guard, but he would just shake his head and continue working vigorously. “N-Nothing. I wasn’t- Sorry, I’m just tired.”
And it wasn’t anything bad- Hongjoong wasn’t getting in trouble for it. But it was just so abnormal that Seonghwa was beginning to get concerned.
“Are you feeling sick?” Seonghwa asked worriedly when Hongjoong completely missed his bowl when pouring his cereal. Hongjoong stared at the spilled cereal in annoyance, but Seonghwa walked up to him, pressing a hand to Hongjoong’s forehead to check for a fever.
Hongjoong stumbled away quickly, swatting Seonghwa’s hand away so quickly, Seonghwa froze.
Hongjoong stared at him, look torn between worried and apologetic. “Y-Your hand is cold,” he said. “I feel fine- I’m just tired,” he restated firmly.
“Are you not sleeping well?” Seonghwa asked when Hongjoong laid on his bed and stared at the ceiling, not hearing a word of anything Seonghwa had just said.
Hongjoong shook his head quickly, slapping his cheeks to get himself to focus. “I’m sleeping fine, but I’m just- It’s nothing, I’m just tired.” He stood and left, giving some excuse about grabbing a snack.
Seonghwa wasn’t really worried. Hongjoong had shown no other signs of fatigue or illness other than the vacant daydreaming, so Seonghwa just let him have these moments. He only interrupted when he needed to, and told San to leave him alone when the other got a little too close to aiming a piece of trash at their leader.
Seonghwa entered their room, and Hongjoong was staring passed the screen of his laptop blankly, that same light in his eyes that Seonghwa had seen before- an almost wistful smile on his lips.
Seonghwa waited just inside the door for Hongjoong to notice him, resting against the doorframe.
For the first time in a while, Seonghwa watched him.
His hair was slightly damp from the shower, and his pajamas were of the warm variety- covering from his neck to his wrists, making him look like a puffed bird. His expression was soft, and his eyes held a warm light to them.
Seonghwa found himself smiling warmly, too. Hongjoong had that effect on him- turning Seonghwa into a mirror of his own emotions. He crossed the room after probably a little too long of staring at the gentle, stark features of his face.
Seonghwa leaned against the desk that Hongjoong worked at. Rather than startling him into awareness, he simply saw Hongjoong’s eyes focus back on reality, though they continued to stare at the wall.
He swallowed, but his eyes continued to hold that light.
“What’re you thinking about?” Seonghwa asked quietly, feeling like he should keep his voice down.
Hongjoong rolled his lips, one of his hands curling into a loose fist as he continued to stare.
At the lack of immediate response, Seonghwa frowned gently. “You’ve been spacing out a lot lately,” he noted, reaching out and tucking a piece of longer hair behind Hongjoong’s ear delicately. “I know you’re saying you’re just tired… but I don’t think that’s entirely true.”
Seonghwa had no right to try and force Hongjoong’s concerns out of him. But he wanted to help.
He always wanted to help. He cared about Hongjoong- perhaps a bit more than the others, given the parts of Hongjoong that he was made privy to that the others were not.
“I’m just… thinking,” Hongjoong whispered, not tearing his eyes away from the spot on the wall they clung to.
Seonghwa thought back to all the quiet smiles Hongjoong had been holding while he stared with vacant warmth. He touched Hongjoong’s arm, wishing the other would look at him or something.
“Thinking about what?” he requested gently, his hands brushing over the soft fabric of his pajamas.
Hongjoong finally turned away from the wall, his eyes falling on Seonghwa’s hand resting on his arm. To Seonghwa’s surprise, Hongjoong chuckled quietly as he stared at his hand.
Seonghwa frowned, not really sure what to make of his amusement. “Hongjoong?” he prompted quietly, rubbing his thumb over the faux fur. “What have you been thinking about?”
It was a gentle request to trust Seonghwa- one that he half-expected to be brushed off once more.
But Hongjoong simply lifted his eyes to Seonghwa- that same light shining through them warmly, and the gentle smile on his lips something fond and genuine.
Seonghwa felt his stomach flip.
Hongjoong smiled, at peace.
“You.”