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The period of time following Waverly’s return from the garden was a rough one, to say the least. After nine brutal months, and a few near-death experiences on Wynonna and Nicole’s part, they had managed to safely bring both Doc and Waverly home with minimal injuries, and their memories being fully intact. One of Nicole’s greatest fears – albeit it was everyone’s biggest fear – was that their friends would return with no memories of their time before going missing.
Wynonna had confirmed that Doc was adjusting well, his drinking habits remaining the same and his snippy remarks making their first appearance not even two days after his return. Doc, Jeremy confirmed, was as good as ever and would make a full recovery from a knife wound the cowboy had sustained while protecting Waverly. Shorty’s was finally reopened, Doc insisting he not keep his people “thirstin’ for the sweet nectar of the gods” any longer.
Waverly, on the other hand, was not handling normal life well. She had become quiet, almost monastic in her actions. The radiant light Nicole usually saw in her girlfriend was missing, replaced with dark clouds and unease. Waverly would recede into the depths of her mind getting lost in her thoughts, thinking about everything: Nicole, Wynonna, the garden. She was a distant shell of who she used to be and remained disconnected from her friends, even neglecting Nicole’s presence at times.
The first night after her return found Waverly screaming and in tears, nightmares chasing her sleep away at once. Wynonna had taken the stairs two at a time, flinging her sister’s door open and stalking over to the bed, enveloping Waverly in a hug so tight she almost couldn’t breathe. Nicole had shown up at the homestead just over twenty minutes later, pulling up the long driveway in her cruiser, lights flashing. Waverly didn’t speak to her, just laid down leaving enough space for Nicole’s tall frame to fit beside her. Nicole watched intently as Waverly’s breathing slowed, finally succumbing to the oh so sweet sensation of sleep.
Nicole was at a loss of what to do, not knowing what was considered comforting and what was considered smothering at this point. Waverly had changed, or was trying to remember who she was before the traumatic experience nearly ruined her, and along with that came new habits, new likes and dislikes. Waverly was a touchy kind of person, always having to have her hands on someone or something, more specifically on Nicole. That constant need for contact had now been stripped away, leaving Waverly only being comfortable with wrapping her own arms around herself.
The brunette’s people-loving attitude had also changed at some point during her disappearance. Waverly was an extrovert if Nicole had ever seen one; she was always starting conversations and never shied away from talking about her passions when asked. She could talk for hours, walking into a place full of strangers and walking out being friends with everyone there. Nicole also noticed a change in this, her talkative demeanor disappearing as Waverly fell into long periods of silence.
The absence of Waverly’s usual light and giddy self was understandable; it was expected by everyone and quickly learned how to handle. What wasn’t expected on any level was how closed off Waverly had become, practically ignoring her friends’ efforts to help her. Waverly’s voice had become a foreign sound to their ears. Communication had become challenging, Waverly not being able to utter more than a word without bursting into tears or sending herself spiraling down a hole of anxiety and fear. Wynonna was the only fortunate one to not be shut out completely by the youngest Earp. That’s what scared Nicole the most.
Waverly was safe but she wasn’t okay . Waverly wasn’t hurt but she still needed to heal . Wynonna had tried and failed, only getting bits and pieces of fragmented stories from Waverly before she reverted to silence. Nicole, on the other hand, had been next to isolated from her love. Waverly often shied away from her touch, wincing slightly at forms of intimacy. It wasn’t always, but it was more often than not. Nicole wasn’t angry or confused, she was understanding and patient because she knew the only way to get her Waverly back was to let this evil thing run its course.
***
Nicole found herself chasing sleep once again, her mind too active and full of unasked, and unanswered, questions. She began to worry that this Waverly was the Waverly that was here to stay. The love they once had would have to be rebuilt, their chemistry reconstructed nearly from scratch. It was disheartening, to say the least, and really posed as a great challenge to accept on Nicole’s part. Things were ruined. No, they’re only cracked. Not broken, Nicole told herself. It was all she could tell herself without going absolutely crazy and crying herself to sleep over the thought of potentially losing her love forever.
“She’s been through a lot, Nicole, and we will only ever be able to understand a tiny bit of it all. She’s told me what happened, and I know she’ll tell you soon. When she’s ready,” Wynonna had told her. “Just know that, deep down, she’s still our Waverly. Our angel.”
Keeping Wynonna’s words at the forefront of her mind, Nicole made a silent pact with herself: don’t smother Waverly; give her time and let her come to you first. Nicole was always one to step back and give her girlfriend space when she needed it, even if Waverly never asked her for it. Nicole would hang in the shadows, giving Waverly her space and the time she needed, but stayed watching over her. Just in case. This was no different; Nicole left Waverly to her own devices, letting her acclimate herself to life living with Nicole.
Waverly had developed habits she never had before, like how she was constantly cleaning up after Nicole even though the redhead never left a mess behind. Instead of going to the station and working or researching or doing something productive, Waverly stayed home all day. She remained in bed, clutching Nicole’s pillow to her chest, inhaling the scent of vanilla and letting it wrap around her like a warm blanket, grounding her and comforting her. Talking to Nicole, as well as just talking in general, was still hard, but she was taking baby steps; she was making progress. Nicole noticed this progress, too, but she never acknowledged it because it wasn’t for her to point out. That didn’t stop her from taking note of the things Waverly had begun doing - both habits of old and new - after a painfully silent span of two long months of nothing.
In a journal she kept buried deep within her nightstand drawer, Nicole had a literal list she kept of every breakthrough she felt Waverly had. There were things such as “ate three meals, cleaning plate every time,” “smiled more than three times today,” “lingering hug, longer than usual” all bulleted and listed in a neat fashion. Nicole kept track of every tiny step in the right direction, any difference she might have noticed in Waverly, in that journal. At the top of the list, Nicole had scribbled the biggest dilemma she was currently facing with Waverly, something that worried her beyond belief:
“6 AM to 11 PM - SLEEP. 1 AM to 5 AM - RESTLESS.”
Waverly slept her days away and spent her nights downstairs, cleaning or thinking or just simply being , rather than curled up in Nicole’s welcoming arms, head tucked neatly under her chin. Nicole usually woke in the middle of the night, nightmares from when Waverly was in the garden following her every move. She often found herself in an empty bed and wondered if it were Waverly’s active hours of the night when she woke. It always was.
That’s where Nicole found herself tonight. She woke with a start and checked her phone, the time reading 2 AM, before turning over to face the Waverly-shaped indentation on the mattress. Nicole breathed deeply, inhaling the scent of lavender and honey and all things Waverly, letting it fill her nostrils, her hand reaching out to grasp the brunette’s pillow. Nicole cracked one eye open when her hand hit the pillow and found it to still be rather warm. She’s just gotten up, Nicole thought. Strange.
She laid there, breathing in Waverly’s scent and letting the comforter keep her warm, both from the heavy snowstorm outside and from being so disconnected from her love. Her typical nightly routine had shifted from dinner, shower, bed to adding a fourth very important task. Every night, around the same time, Nicole would pull herself from bed and quietly make her way downstairs. She had learned which steps made the most noise, which steps to avoid so as to not startle Waverly. She would stop at the bottom step, if Waverly wasn’t seen in the living room, and listen. She was usually found in the kitchen, sitting at the table or standing by the counter and looking out the window above the sink. Nicole would quietly make her way to the threshold of the kitchen and hide behind the wall, stealing glances in when she felt it safe.
Waverly never spoke, never made any noise. Occasionally, she would make herself a cup of tea or eat leftovers from the dinner she didn’t eat that night. She was thriving by herself, Nicole kept thinking. She didn’t need help, she just wanted to be alone. But all of that changed one night when she found Waverly curled up on the floor next to the dwindling fire in the fireplace, crying. It broke Nicole’s heart because she couldn’t do anything. She wanted to comfort Waverly, but she knew it would be of no use. That was the night Nicole had promised herself she would check on Waverly every night, even if it meant losing sleep.
Nicole’s phone buzzed on the nightstand with a weather update, roads were now closed which meant she would be on call from home. Sighing and rubbing her eyes, Nicole unlocked her phone and checked her messages. She had three texts from Wynonna.
Earp: she loves you
Earp: she’s getting better
Earp: don’t give up on her
Nicole ran a hand through her hair and debated if she should reply or not, seeing as it had become Wynonna’s thing to text her constant reminders such as those. Opting against it, Nicole stood from the bed and stretched her arms. She grabbed her old Academy sweatshirt and pulled it on before quietly walking towards the staircase. The top step greeted her like it always did, sleek and cold. She took each step one at a time, gripping the handrail with her left hand, and tried to distribute her weight between her feet evenly. When she got halfway down, she checked to see if Waverly was in the living room. When Nicole didn’t see her, she made her way to the bottom of the staircase.
The kitchen light was on, indicating that Waverly was most likely in there, and Nicole began her silent trek across the living room, thankful for wearing socks to bed that night. Her footsteps fell quiet on the hardwood and she pressed her back against the wall nearest the doorway to the kitchen. Soft music flowed from the radio Nicole had on her counter, some unknown radio station playing timeless classics. Nicole didn’t move, opting to keep her back pressed to the wall, her eyes closed and breathing slow, listening for any sort of movement from her girlfriend.
There was the soft clanking of a spoon against a cup and Nicole sighed quietly know that, despite everything going on, Waverly still drank her tea. The barest of smiles made its way onto Nicole’s face. It was the first real smile she had shed since Waverly’s return.
***
Waverly might have left the bed minutes before Nicole awoke, but she had been awake for much longer. She tried to stay and sleep, she really did. The four blankets, plus a bonus blanket, combined with the heat radiating from the sleeping form of her girlfriend was almost enough to pull her back into sleep. Nicole’s arms around her proved to combat her anxiety more than any weighted blanket or form of medication could, but Waverly had to clear her mind. She had to be alone to think and reflect and just be .
She did this every night, leaving Nicole snoring softly and quietly padding downstairs to exist and be fully one with herself, no interruptions. Though tonight, she thought, was different. She didn’t find the immediate comfort in being alone that she had been feeling since this all began. She felt far more connected with herself, more than she had in weeks, but she was beginning to feel so much more disconnected from Nicole than ever. Maybe it was the constant checking in on her, maybe it was the smothering feeling she got from anyone who tried to help, maybe it was just all in her head. The psychological trauma that came with her experience in the garden was only the tip of the iceberg.
It was less trauma and more a yearning to figure out how she was able to live before. From an outsider’s perspective, Waverly had always had it all. She had the job, the boy, the brains. But deep down she had more. She had anxiety, and depression, and the absolute fear of being alone. And that’s what she was in the garden.
Alone.
Yes, Doc was there, but he was only a shell of the man she once knew. Isolation became her best friend and the only thing she knew, which is why she now found herself struggling to let those who love her – people like her sister and her love – back in. She felt safe with Wynonna, the smell of leather and whiskey bringing a strange sense of comfort to her. Maybe it was because she had gone so long without Wynonna in the past that she was just...used to it. Nicole was a different story, though. Nicole was everything to her. Nicole was her safe place and her closest confidant.
So being apart from her for so long seemed to just...sever the bond they had. Of course, Waverly knew this wasn’t true, it was only hidden. It was buried deep underneath layers of fear and broken promises. It was cloaked in shame and anger. It was hidden so well that Waverly wasn’t sure she’d ever be able to find it again. And then she remembers. She remembers the day she met Nicole, the day she realized that maybe, just maybe, the world had bigger plans for her outside of the cookie-cutter relationship she thought she was in.
She remembers the time spent with Nicole before they got together, and the time they were apart. She remembers the way Nicole jumped to protect her after knowing her for only a handful of days, and how the first thing she remembered when she woke in the hospital after being attacked by Jack was her smile. She remembers their first kiss, their first date. Their first fight.
And it was that pain, that first fight, that grounded her. It was seeing Nicole on the brink of death, Widow Mercedes’ venom coursing through her veins, that brought her back down. It was the mistake she made to save Nicole that reminded her of why she fell in love with her in the first place. So maybe things could go back to normal. Maybe she and Nicole could sit down and talk about their wedding. Maybe she could fix things between them. It was just going to take time.
Waverly sipped on her tea and continued staring out the window, the moon casting an angelic glow onto the front yard and street ahead. The dawn of spring was upon them, yet snow continued to fall, temperatures dropping even lower. The house was quiet save for the radio on the counter. Waverly smiled at the thought of Nicole sleeping soundly upstairs, carrying on with her life as she should despite the added weight she was surely adding.
Nicole didn’t deserve any of this, Waverly kept thinking. Nicole deserved the world and Waverly was giving her anything but that currently. Sometimes she would worry about the poorly attempted proposal just before she got taken into the garden, and how Nicole didn’t say yes.
She didn’t say no, either .
But she didn’t say yes.
Waverly sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose. She had run into a bad habit of talking herself in circles about pointless things that didn’t really matter at the current moment, but this wasn’t just nothing. This was everything to Waverly. It was her future, her happiness. So remembering the look on Nicole’s face when she slipped Julian’s ring onto her finger broke her heart. Because now that she’d been gone for months and has fallen into this state of...nothingness...Waverly feared she might be losing Nicole for good. That she is losing Nicole for good if something doesn’t change.
She began pushing herself as hard as she could to fix things, to bring everything back to how it was before. It might not have been noticeable to Wynonna or Nicole, but it was to Waverly. Her progress might not have been as prominent as Doc’s was, but it was there. So she was going to use it to her advantage to take Nicole by surprise. She was ready to let her back in, she was ready to fall back into that stereotypical lifestyle they had before where Nicole would come home and be met at the door by Waverly. Where Waverly would take her coat and hang it up, greeting Nicole with kisses and other gentle gestures to help her relax. She was ready to play housewife, as Wynonna had put it despite Waverly’s eye roll and groan of disapproval. She wanted to marry Nicole, and she knew Nicole wanted to marry her.
The song on the radio changed and Waverly sensed a new presence near her, the same presence she felt every night. She knew Nicole had been sneaking downstairs to check on her, knew the redhead had come down every single night since her dramatic return. Waverly didn’t mind it really. She felt it to be one of the only ways she could be close to Nicole without feeling smothered by her at the same time. Smothered wasn’t the right word to use, but Waverly didn’t know how else to put it simply. It went far beyond someone trying to take care of her every need, even when it wasn’t necessary. It was more than just the constant stream of questions she was always being asked. Nicole was like a watchdog, and Waverly knew it went deeper than her officer instincts. Waverly also knew her older sister had something to do with it. She wasn’t sure when, but it was clear as day that Wynonna had instilled some sort of fear into Nicole about Waverly.
“Keep her safe or I’ll have your head on a pike,” she could hear Wynonna say. Or maybe it was something like, “If something happens to her, it’s your ass.”
“Or maybe she just told her to...stay,” Waverly whispered and sighed.
“Maybe she had to convince her I’m still...me,” the room fell quiet again, as the song on the radio faded out, and Waverly let a quiet sigh escape her mouth again.
“No,” the faint sound of Nicole’s voice found Waverly’s ears at a volume so low the brunette was nearly convinced she was just hearing things.
“Nicole?” Waverly called out, her back still facing the living room. When no reply came, she set her cup in the sink and called out again. “Nicole, I know you’re there...You don’t have to hide.”
There came no response from the redhead, but Waverly heard quiet shuffling behind her. Nicole’s socked feet fell almost silent on the hardwood floor. Waverly sucked in a quiet, sharp breath and braced herself against the counter, gripping the edge until her knuckles turned white. She took a deep breath and exhaled through her nose in an attempt to calm the unnecessary nerves she suddenly felt in the pit of her stomach. Looking up from her hands, Waverly’s eyes caught Nicole’s reflection in the window, her face full of sleep and her now long hair messily pulled into a bun.
Waverly slowly turned around, her eyes falling to the floor immediately. She couldn’t bare to look at Nicole, couldn’t bare revealing her vulnerable self to her girlfriend in that moment. She knew she was overreacting at this point and that she was going to have to talk about it all at some point, but now just wasn’t that time. Standing in their kitchen at three in the morning with old classics from the 80s playing on the radio was not the right time. So, instead, Waverly kept her heels dug in these new habits she had formed; she stayed quiet and refused to make eye contact.
They stood there in silence and Waverly could sense how much self-restraint Nicole was using to not advance further in her direction. Nicole’s tense shoulders and tight jaw implied she was unsure of her place in that moment, that she was waiting for Waverly to make the first move.
Like always.
After a painful few minutes of radio silence, Waverly looked up slowly and finally met Nicole’s worried eyes with her own. Instead of agitation, Waverly’s eyes landed on a face full of worry and confusion. Nicole was just as lost in that moment as Waverly was, and it only further angered the brunette. She did this, she caused this, and so she was going to fix it. Pushing herself away from the counter and fixing her oversized sleep shirt ( Nicole’s oversized sleep shirt), Waverly opened her mouth to speak, but Nicole beat her to it.
“I’m here to listen,” Nicole said quickly, wringing her hands together anxiously. “Only if you...if you’re ready to talk, I mean.”
“I’m...not. Not about that,” Waverly said after a moment of staring at the redhead and thinking about how she wanted to broach the subject. “But that doesn’t mean I don’t want to...Talk, I mean,” she added when Nicole’s face fell slightly.
Nicole took a couple of steps toward Waverly, relief flooding her body when she didn’t retreat.
“Can I...Would you mind if I hugged you?” Nicole asked hesitantly. She felt foolish for asking considering they had been together for nearly two and a half years, but she felt like she had to. “Just a hug. I promise I won’t pry for information.”
Waverly stared at Nicole for another moment before practically launching herself into Nicole’s arms. It was a bone-crushing hug, one that held so many unspoken words and apologies that Nicole didn’t know how to process. It was a hug that screamed I’m sorry and I’m trying my best right now . Nicole’s arms instantly found their place around Waverly’s waist, to their home where they belonged. She returned the hug, resting her chin on Waverly’s shoulder and inhaling her scent. Nicole had no idea what was going on, but she wasn’t about to question it.
The radio on the counter began playing the first few notes of a stripped down version of a-ha’s classic Take on Me. The piano and acoustic notes played to the soft and distinct tune of the 80s hit in a way that resonated deeply within both Waverly and Nicole.
We’re talking away. I don’t know what I’m to say but I’ll say it anyway
Harket’s voice crooned softly in their ears, and Waverly’s hands gripped the back of Nicole’s sweatshirt. Nicole turned her head to the side and planted a gentle kiss to the side of Waverly’s head, pressing her face into the side of her neck before leading them in a slow dance.
Today is another day to find you. I’m shying away, and I’ll be coming for your love, okay?
It was a poorly executed series of sways and steps, but neither Waverly or Nicole seemed to mind as they eventually found their rhythm. The song progressed, the words wrapping around them like a blanket and pulling them closer together. Waverly sucked in a sharp breath, attempting to keep her emotions at bay, when Nicole’s hands gently gripped her waist tighter.
So needless to say, I’m odds and ends, but I’ll be stumbling away
Waverly allowed herself to fully submit to Nicole’s warmth, letting the scent of vanilla grip her lungs and ground her in the moment. Things were constantly moving, constantly changing and never slowing down, and she felt like she was drowning in all of the motions. Nicole was the only constant factor in her life and even that was beginning to change. She was stumbling through the darkness, alone and scared and fearing everything she’d ever known to be changed and stripped away from her. She feared that, if she let go now, she would be lost forever.
Slowly learning that life is okay. Say after me, it’s no better to be safe than sorry
Nicole felt Waverly’s body start to tremble, her hands having a death grip on her clothes, and moved a hand to cup the back of the brunette’s head. They stayed silent, drowning in their feelings and emotions all at once, and continued to sway at a very slow and rhythmic pace. Nicole’s other hand found its way to Waverly’s waistline, slipping it just under the hem of her shirt and resting on the exposed skin of her side.
Nicole kissed her way along Waverly’s jaw, stopping at her ear to whisper a faint I love you as the song began fading out. The gesture alone was enough to cause Waverly to fall apart. She crumpled to the ground as a loud sob escaped her mouth. Nicole was on the floor in seconds, gathering her girlfriend into her arms and holding her close. She didn’t know what to do so she settled on letting Waverly cry. Sometimes crying is all you need, sometimes it’s the only way to adequately handle emotion. Nicole’s heart shattered at the sounds coming from the smaller woman’s mouth, the loud and strangled sobs revealing months of pent up dysphoric emotions coming out at once.
Nicole sat on the floor, Waverly in her lap, for what felt like hours. She let Waverly cry until she couldn’t cry anymore and her voice was hoarse. When the sobs turned to sniffles, and the screams turned to silence, Waverly stayed still. She stayed so still, in fact, that Nicole was nearly convinced she had fallen asleep. It wasn’t until Waverly finally spoke up that Nicole knew otherwise.
“I’m sorry,” Waverly whispered. “I’m so sorry, Nicole.”
“Hey, don’t do that,” Nicole gently nudged Waverly out from under her chin and placed a finger under her chin, tilting her head until their eyes met. “Don’t make yourself into some sort of villain for needing time to rediscover yourself.”
“I want to talk about it, but I don’t think I can. I don’t think I’ll really ever be able to,” Waverly admitted.
“And that, my love, is more than okay. I’m not asking for every detail. All I want to know, all I have ever wanted to know, is just that you’re okay .”
“I’m not,” Waverly said, eyes filling with tears again. “I’m not okay, and it’s taken me way too long to figure out why.”
“Would you mind telling me?” Nicole asked gently, pushing a loose strand of hair behind Waverly’s ear.
“Because of that,” Waverly said, tears spilling down her cheeks. She untangled her arms from around Nicole’s neck and framed Nicole’s face with her hands. “Because of you , Nicole. I’ve neglected you since I got back and it hasn’t really hit me until now that...I can not do this without you.”
“Waves, I’m not going anywhere,” Nicole reassured. “I love you, and I want to spend the rest of my life with you, but I’m willing to wait however long you need me to. I will wait forever if necessary.”
“That won’t be necessary,” Waverly said through a watery giggle, tears continuing to stream down her cheeks. “You won’t need to wait that long.”
“Oh good, because I was bluffing,” Nicole grinned. “I want to marry you now. As soon as possible.”
More tears fell and Waverly couldn’t even bring herself to care about how red her face surely was at that point. Nicole’s thumbs found their way to Waverly’s cheeks, wiping her tears away in one gentle swipe. It was then that Waverly noticed Nicole’s own tears, that Nicole had started crying at some point as well. Waverly stared at Nicole, watery eyed and face flushed, and kept a firm grip on the sides of her face. Nicole was shaking, her breathing uneven and her anxieties etched right onto her forehead. Waverly let out a breathy chuckle and shook her head.
“I’m going to marry you. Soon. So very soon,” Waverly whispered before bringing her lips to Nicole’s, kissing her like it was the first time.