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Bliss Lai
I'm trying and failing to write my history essay when Rowan calls me. I know I should have my phone off while I'm writing, but if I didn't have it right next to me as an optional distraction I know I wouldn't even be able to write my introduction.
So I pick up without a second thought. I kinda need a reboot for my brain anyway.
"Hey."
"Hi, can I come over? Like, right now?"
Shit. He's whispering - why is he whispering? "Yeah, of course. Are you okay?"
He laughs. "Yeah, yeah- I...um." He pauses to take a deep breath. "Uh, Jimmy and Lister are fucking right now."
"Holy fucking shit!" I hiss.
"Exactly- and I can hear it and I don't know how long it's gonna last, so can I just- "
"Yeah, sure, come over. I mean, you could just listen to music," I start to say, but then I remember that I actually want him here, so I reaffirm, "but, yeah, come round, I'm literally not doing anything."
Not entirely untrue. I'm not writing, though I should be.
"Alright. Thank you so much. I'll see you in twenty."
"See you. Don't die on your way here."
"I promise I won't," he says, and then hangs up.
This is sort of nice. I'm pretty sure the boys had a massive day of meetings today, so I really wasn't banking on seeing Rowan. Their album-writing process is intense.
I wonder if he's actually going to get a security guard to come with him. He, Jimmy and Lister aren't supposed to go outside without one. It's only a short trip, and he won't be walking, so it's fine. It's late. There won't be random fans about.
Being trapped inside your house is something I've only experienced temporarily, and it was terrifying. I really think Rowan, Jimmy and Lister should move somewhere quieter, however convenient and luxury their London apartment is.
Mine is tiny by comparison. Not that I'm jealous - I sort of hate their apartment, because I know Jimmy does too.
I hear a buzz and get up to let Rowan up. Not thirty seconds later he knocks on my door. I open it, and immediately laugh at how done he looks with the world.
"I know," he says, "so many things I don't want to."
"I can fucking imagine, I'm so sorry." I don't even try to sound sorry, it's way too funny.
I bring him into a hug. He's a lot taller than me, but he bends down the moment I raise a hand to his shoulder.
I'm really glad we can still be physically affectionate with one another. Rowan is kind of excellent at hugging.
He pulls away and steps inside. I close the door. "Want something to eat, or drink, or…?" I offer.
We start walking down the hallway.
"D'ya have breadsticks by any chance?" Rowan asks.
"Yeah, actually," I reply and his face just sort of lights up.
"Fuck yes."
I laugh. We enter the kitchen and I find the box of breadsticks and toss it to him. He almost drops it and we both laugh again.
He sits with me on the countertop. After a moment of quiet filled only by the sound of crunching breadsticks, I say, "So."
Rowan looks at me.
"They finally fucking did it."
He grins and shakes his head. "I could say I'm happy for them, but if that were true I wouldn't be here."
I tilt my head. "I think you can be happy for your best friends finally hooking up after months of bullshit without wanting to hear them fuck."
"Hm. Fair."
I take a breadstick from the box. "They didn't even try to be quiet about it, though?"
Rowan see-saws his hand. "I think they thought I was asleep on the couch, and I only clocked it once I went back to my bedroom."
"So they're not completely awful roomates?" The corner of his mouth twitches upwards. "Pity. You could've had a reasonable excuse to move in with me."
"I mean, I basically might. I doubt this is a one-time occurrence."
Rowan sets the box aside and takes his glasses off. As he cleans them with the hem of his shirt, he says, "It's kind of shit, actually. They're both, like, completely gone for each other. And somehow I don't think they've suddenly gotten the balls to confess to one another."
"Ha, true." I take another breadstick. "You can't chat, though. If I recall correctly, when I asked you out, you took a whole minute to say anything because you were so fucking overwhelmed."
Rowan looks sufficiently offended. "I was sixteen! You were the first girl I ever clicked with. Don't be mean."
"Aww. You were the first cis guy I thought was worth a shot."
I'm teasing him, but I'm genuinely touched to hear that he liked me so much from the start.
He pokes me. I bat his hand away. He put his glasses back on and returns to his breadsticks.
Something he said catches up to me. "Jimmy has a crush on Lister?"
Rowan nods.
"Christ. I mean, I know Jimmy has shit taste in men, but…" I shrug. Rowan lets out a laugh, and then recollects himself.
"No, come on, Lister is by far the best out of the guys Jimmy's had a crush on."
"Doesn't fucking mean much. The bar is low. Like, low." I lean all the way forward so my hand gets as low as it can. "I never got that about him. He's picky about literally everything except men."
Rowan just nods in agreement.
"Mate, worst thing is they both live with you. At least when we were together you could come to mine, like- they won't exactly have anywhere else to go."
"Jesus Christ, you're right. I'll fucking- ship them off to Kent, or something."
"Make Lister's mum deal with them."
He lets out a laugh. "Nooo, that's not what I meant."
"I think you should make some calls. Ask Cecily about separate hotel rooms. Look into soundproofing the walls of your home."
"I have noise-cancelling headphones, I'll be fine."
I nod. "Yeah, sure. Just get them to tell you every time they're gonna have sex, so you're prepared for it."
Rowan whines. "Oh, god, no." He focuses on eating his way through the packet of breadsticks. I stay quiet for a bit.
"I wish they would just get their shit together," Rowan says after a while. "Or leave it be." He shakes his head. "If they get together, and break up, it'll be a complete disaster."
"Career ruined by disaster bisexual. A story for the history books."
He huffs out a laugh, and shakes his head again. "It's both of them, though. Like, I get it, neither of them have been in a relationship before- "
"And you're straight, so it's different for you."
"- And- yeah," He nods. "But I just- I know they both like each other. Literally none of this would be a problem if they just confessed to each other."
I tip my palms up then take another breadstick. "I'm sure they'll figure it out."
Rowan's eyes flick up to mine. He grins, and I do too. "No they won't," he says.
"No they won't," I agree.
He reaches the end of the packet of breadsticks, and appears very upset by it. By way of consoling him, or changing the topic so he stops moping over breadsticks, I ask, "How much do you know about the social reforms that led to the formation of the NHS?"
"Absolutely jackshit. Why?"
"You're helping me with my essay." I hop off the counter and tug on the sleeve of his jumper. "Come on."
Rowan follows me into my bedroom and slumps down onto my bed. I return to my desk, and he watches me closely as I open my laptop.
He lets out a whine. "Please tell me you did not stop in the middle of an essay for me to come round."
"Nooo," I lie, and flash him a smile.
"Bliss."
I put my chin in my hand and stare at him with another smile.
He loses the staring competition. "Mate, come on."
I shrug. "You're here now. No point getting upset over it."
Rowan chuckles and looks at me with a shit-eating grin on his face. "No point crying over spilt milk, you mean?"
"No." I lean over and flick him. I wonder if he knows that making fun of me liking milk is something that he and Angel have in common. If he knew, I think he'd cry.
I read over the minimal notes I've put down for a plan.
"Does it make more sense to talk about the economy before or after I explain the process of all the new reforms?" I ask, glancing at Rowan.
He's on his phone. I don't think he registered my words.
"Rowan?"
"Hm? Oh, uh…" He takes a moment. "Before? Wait, no. After." He sounds more sure of himself, but then he lets out an exasperated sigh. "I literally didn't even go to sixth form, why are you asking me this?"
"Thanks, babe," I say and type up what he said, verbatim.
"Do. Not. You sound like Cecily."
"Mm."
We fall silent, and I manage to type a more concrete approach to the essay, as well as an introduction. I kind of hate how it reads, though, so I don't get to my next paragraph.
I look at Rowan again. "What're you doing?"
"Uhhh…looking for a new house."
"Excellent." It takes a second for me to realise that he might be completely serious. "Wait, really?"
"Yeah."
I let out a laugh. "Oh my fucking god, imagine being rich."
"Shhh."
"I can't believe- I'm literally writing about social reforms, and you're over there looking for a new house in bloody London when you already have a fucking three-storey one."
I'm grinning at him. Genuinely appalled, but mostly just amused.
He meets my eye and mumbles something I don't quite process. I prompt him to repeat himself, and he says, "My current apartment is great, it's just infected with horny disease."
I snort. "How does it feel to know that your disaster of a best friend is getting more action than you?"
"Shut up!" He's laughing. "Write your essay."
And holy fucking hell, I've never wanted to write it less than after being told to write it. I lean back in my chair and go on my phone.
Rowan breaks the silence. "When's it due?"
"Tomorrow afternoon."
"Bliss, come on."
I look at him.
"I'll leave, you need to write it."
He actually gets up, the fucker. I let out a groan. "I literally won't write it if you leave. Please just keep me company."
Rowan looks at me carefully. After half a minute, he gives up and sits back down. "If you haven't written anything in an hour, I'm gonna go."
"Okay, and if you're still looking for a new fucking house in an hour, you're legally obligated to buy me lunch at some point."
"Deal."
"Deal."
Lister Bird
I am in the arms of Jimmy Kaga-Ricci. My head is on his chest, and we're in his bed.
I'm a bit drowsy, so I'm allowing myself to think of this moment as romantic. I mean, cuddling after sex is always a little bit romantic whether you like it or not.
I've thought of this so much. So much. And now it's happening. We're not dating, but that's fine. I'm fine with it. I probably won't be fine with it forever, but this thing we have was never going to last forever anyway, one way or another.
So it's alright to pretend, I think. He's rubbing circles into the small of my back with his thumb. It's too nice for me to not treasure it.
My phone buzzes. I groan and reach for it blindly, and I end up knocking it onto the floor. Jimmy laughs at me, and I have to extract myself from his embrace for a moment so I can retrieve it.
I mean to turn it on silent and return to the cuddles, but then I see that I have a text from Bliss. Which, frankly, is a rare occurrence.
(20:47) lmao
It's vague, and I wouldn't have thought anything of it, if it weren't for the other two texts I have, both from Rowan.
(19:59) please SHUT THE FUCK UP
(20:03) im going to bliss' lol bye
Fuck.
I try to work out as quickly as possible whether this means what I think it means. The time checks out. I didn't think we were that loud, but then again we both thought Rowan was asleep.
He was asleep, I swear. We checked.
But I think he knows.
I've been staring at my phone for too long, and now Jimmy is looking at me, confused. It's kind of adorable. I think he wants to get back to cuddling as much as I do.
I turn my phone on silent and toss it down to the foot of the bed. Jimmy lifts his arm when I lie back down so I can curl into him.
I absently turn Jimmy's cross necklace back to the front. I breathe out, and I've just closed my eyes when he asks, "Who was that?"
A thousand possible lies come to me instantly. Anything to avoid having this conversation, especially right now. But something I've learned about Jimmy is that lies don't work with him. If he believes them, he'll likely get worried about something that isn't even real. Worrying about the truth is so much better.
And he's actually quite good at sensing when people are lying anyway.
"Bliss."
He rubs his eyes sleepily. "Bliss texts you?"
"Only in emergencies. And to send me memes."
"Ah. Was this an emergency or a meme?"
I stay silent, because I still don't have to tell him. Now that I'm halfway there, I realise I want to hold onto this moment.
He's going to worry about it if I tell him. I really don't want that.
"A meme emergency?"
Jimmy has started to play with my hair.
"Hm?"
He lets out a half-laugh. "Was it a meme emergency?"
"Oh. Uh, no. No, she just texted me 'lmao' with no context."
"Oh."
His nails graze the short hairs at the nape of my neck. I'm sinking further and further into the mattress. I've never experienced intimacy like this.
"Why?"
"Huh?"
"Why'd she text you that?"
"There was no context, idiot. I literally just said that."
"Oh." He laughs softly, and I suddenly feel really bad for lying to him, so here goes.
"Um. Actually," I lower my voice some, and it comes out slow and so obviously controlled, "Rowan also texted me."
Jimmy hums.
I hesitate. "He went to Bliss' place."
"I didn't hear him leave."
I wait a second, and then say, "Yeah," as if that's what I'm getting at.
He takes a moment, and then goes stiff. "Wait, when did he leave?"
"...About an hour ago."
Jimmy furrows his brow. "He was asleep."
"Yeah."
He brings his hands up to cover his face. He's realised what's happened. "He was asleep!"
I don't say anything. He lets out a groan muffled by his palms. To my dismay, he removes his arm from around my shoulders and sits up.
Fuck, fuck fuck - what do I do? I can only watch him as he begins to put his clothes back on. "Gross," I tell him, looking pointedly at the sweat stain on the back of his t-shirt.
Jimmy gives me a withering look, and rubs his eyes. He flops back onto the bed and groans into his hands again. "What are we gonna do?"
I don't say anything. I don't think he's really looking to me for an answer.
"Fuuuuuck." He pretends to sob. "I don't wanna talk to him about this."
I shake my head. This is a whole show. "I mean, with any luck, he'll stay the night at Bliss' and we can make fun of him for that."
He hums, and doesn't reply. I can practically hear his brain working a mile a minute.
"You don't have to talk to him about it," I say quietly.
Jimmy looks at me like I've just said something utterly ridiculous. "He's going to want to talk to me about it. I don't have a choice."
"Not if you stay in here forever. We'll just never unlock the door."
To my surprise, he snorts. "Yeah. Sounds good. Food might be a problem, though."
I decide not to make an oral sex joke. "Yeah."
I shuffle over to the edge of the bed and lie down beside him. He looks at me, and I search his face for a sign of what I should say.
Minutes pass, and I find nothing. Jimmy goes back to staring at the ceiling and having a silent crisis.
"Do you want me to leave?" I ask, careful not to sound upset. I don't wanna guilt trip him.
He shakes his head. Slowly at first, and then more firmly as he begins to smile. "No. You're a part of this too."
My whole body goes cold. I should probably put on more clothes. "I'm not gonna talk to him."
"Yes you are. We both are."
I let out a whimper. "Fuck, I don't wanna talk to him."
Jimmy's eyes go wide like that was obvious enough without me saying it.
I roll onto my side. "D'ya think he's gonna sit us down, super serious, and say, 'We need to talk'?"
"Probably."
"I might text Bliss to ask her to keep him at her place."
Jimmy hums. Then he looks at me suddenly, brows creased. "Do you think he told Bliss?"
Fuck. This just keeps getting worse and worse. I bury my face in the bed covers to avoid having to answer.
I hear Jimmy sigh. "She's gonna make fun of me so badly."
It takes me a moment to realise that's a jab at me. "Hey," I complain.
He laughs. "She'll be like, 'Jimmy, why do you only ever get with shitty white boys?'"
"People don't usually insult me like this after I sleep with them."
"What do people usually do, then?" he asks, good-natured and sarcastic. "Say thank you?" He's starting to smile, and he's turned his head towards me. "Beg you to stay?"
I shift closer to him. "You think people think way higher of me than they actually do."
Jimmy hums. He leans in to kiss me, and it sends a thrill through me even though I saw it coming. My hand comes up to cup his jaw, and he circles my wrist loosely.
I break away. I look at him, and before I let myself think it over, I lace our fingers together.
Jimmy looks away from me, but he holds my hand against his chest.
"I'm gonna go put some clean clothes on, but I'll be back in a sec, okay?" I tell him softly.
He nods. His hand slips from mine.
I grab my phone and my clothes where they were discarded on the floor. On my way to my bedroom, I open my phone and text Bliss.
(21:07) :))))
(21:07) dont let rowan come home hes gonna kill me :(
I toss it on my bed and drop my dirty clothes on the floor. I get a fresh t-shirt and pair of boxers, and I see my phone light up in my peripheral vision. It's Bliss.
(21:09) ngl……...u deserve it
(21:10) fucking rude
(21:10) smh rip lister bird
(21:11) the whole world will mourn the loss…...of this ass
(21:12) i mean
(21:12) i wont
(21:13) fuck u too <3
I expect that to be where the conversation ends, so I set my phone to the side and put on my clothes. When I pick it up again, she's texted me back.
(21:14) but jimmy might :))
(21:14) ghfjrbhbhfb fuck OFF
When I get back to Jimmy's bedroom, he doesn't look up at me right away. He had been staring hard at the foot of his bed - at nothing, clearly up in his head about something. About Rowan.
I sit beside him. He changed his clothes while I was gone.
Maybe I should distract him with sex, or something. It'd work to get his mind off of things, at least for a while. But that's probably not what he wants.
I reach for his hand. The moment my fingers touch his palm, he clasps my hand tightly. I lay my head on his shoulder and rub the back of his hand with my thumb. "What are we gonna tell Rowan?"
Jimmy looks uncomfortable. He shrugs. "That we're hooking up?"
Holy shit, it sounds weird for him to say it out loud. "But what if he asks for details?"
"He's not gonna ask for details," Jimmy says immediately. And then, he amends, "He better not ask for details."
"I don't wanna give him details." That's a lie. I want someone to talk to about Jimmy. Desperately.
"Me neither."
This isn't getting us anywhere. I try to approach it differently. "Are you...worried?" I shift my head to try and catch his eye. "About...what he's going to say, or something?"
Jimmy gives a noncommittal noise, which means he is.
There are a few seconds of silence. And then I start talking, offering him reassurances. I know Rowan isn't angry, or whatever Jimmy's worried he is. I know Jimmy knows it on some level as well. All I have to do is confirm it.
It takes a while, but eventually it works - or, it works well enough that Jimmy is laughing with me again, properly, and he invites me to stay the night in his room.
It gives me a sense of victory, to be honest. And maybe this is selfish, but as Jimmy and I settle into bed, and he pulls me closer, sort of cradling my head, I know this could work. If we were together. I know I could be good for him if he gave me the chance.
I'm willing to put everything I have into this. I don't care that it would be messy, that it'd be my first relationship.
I want it. I want everything.
I'm just...still trying to figure out if he wants the same.