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Fjord decides one night, as he lays against his bed, staring at the bland ceiling, that nothing has sucked more than this moment. And of course, that isn’t true, he’s been in worse, the whole group has been in the worst. But Fjord tends to exaggerate, it’s in his nature. He can’t help the chaos that runs through his brain like a maze that never ends.
So, as the man blinks up at the wooden beams above him, at a time he doesn’t even pretend to know, especially in this city, he decides that he needs to do something completely idiotic. His armor sits clunky in the corner of the room, untouched for a few days, and it kind of haunts him without doing a thing.
The house is nearly silent as he slips from the confines of his room, or as silent as a house of the Mighty Nein can be. By the time Fjord realizes he’s actually going through with his plan, his stupid plan to confess everything to Caduceus, the man in question is blinking down at him.
“Oh!” Caduceus warms up immediately to seeing Fjord, a smile curling over his mouth. “Fjord, what a lovely surprise tonight,” He continues and Fjord has to fight the urge to reach out to him, emotion nearly overwhelming him. He opens his mouth to speak but only silence falls from it, and he tries again, this time clearing his throat.
“‘Was wondering if I could talk to you?” Fjord says, though it falls like a question. He curses himself mentally for being so forward, for not being as gentle as he wants to be. The half-orc already believes this trip was a lost cause, his palm closing into a fist at his side.
Caduceus’ eyes brighten just a little, and noticing Fjord’s clenched fist, rests a gentle hand on his shoulder, pulling him closer into the area. “Tea?” He asks, as Fjord finds a seat under the bright lights of the tree. And he doesn’t ask where he makes tea all the way up here, because he knows he will never understand Caduceus the way he understands anything, but he smiles a little despite this.
“No,” And for good measure, “Thank you.” He watches as the firbolg nods once, sitting across from Fjord, notices they are both sitting in a similar way that they commune with Melora. He also notices the way the light shimmers over his friend’s face, as if he is the true god Fjord has devoted his life to, as if he is tricking Fjord into this infatuation.
The lights continue to twinkle, and Caduceus, like he doesn’t even realize, lets his hair fall gracefully from a braid that was keeping it back. Fjord’s throat begins to dry, or maybe it has been this entire time, but now his palms sweat, and he told himself he never could have something, but this? This is something that he wants more than anything. His heart beats, quick, and painful, and he would pray to Melora that Caduceus doesn’t hear this, but no one is more faithful to her than him.
His eyes reach his dear friend’s, the careful examination of himself relaxing him even if it’s only just a little, and he lets out a small breath, finds himself resting his sweaty palms on his knees.
Fjord wants to say, “I’ve loved you since forever” or,“I’ve never felt this level of intimacy with anyone before”, but instead, none of this comes out, instead, Fjord leans over into Caduceus’ space, he reaches out.
He leans until his hand rests soft against his cheek, like he’s afraid of what will happen next, or what won’t.
“I have never met someone like you,” He finally says, a hoarse whisper into the night, and if his heart wasn’t beating so loudly in his ears, he might have heard a shimmer of a gasp slip from the man’s mouth.
It feels like hours pass before Caduceus even says anything, and Fjord doesn’t know what he expected, but it surely wasn’t this. It wasn’t Caduceus raising his hand to cover Fjord’s, and it sure wasn’t his cheeks heating up into a brilliant pink under their palm. He continues.
“My entire life, I’ve never belonged, never truly.” Fjord sucks in a breath, feels the heat inside his body as he is impossibly close to the one he loves the most. “I didn’t believe I could ever adore someone, like I wasn’t made for it.” He nearly laughs at himself at that, and he feels Caduceus’ fingers slip between his just a little bit.
The firbolg lets Fjord continue, fondly looking all over his face, at his bright eyes, his tusks, growing in oh so slowly. The way he stares at him almost makes it seem like he’s been expecting this, and maybe he has, and Fjord’s just late to the party. Dear Melora that would be embarrassing.
A breeze slips through the leaves above them, causing a gentle swaying of branches, small clanks of the lights hitting each other, a breath of air between them.
Fjord nearly wants to back away from the overwhelming effect he knows this will have. But with Caduceus touching him so longingly, like they will crumble if he lets go, it makes him sturdy himself. “But, meeting you, Caduceus, when I thought everything was as good as it was going to get, you taught me that there could be so much more.” He recounts the past few months, thinks about how Caduceus was there, always, even when it didn’t seem like it.
That night with Avantika, the days he’s coughed up enough sea water to cause a hurricane, the sword, Melora, the sword. How Caduceus made it his journey, for him, why for him? He’s always been at his side, caring, gentle, patient, and it stings when he thinks about it.
Fjord shifts, bringing his hand down from Caduceus’ cheek, taking the ladder’s hand with him. He holds it between them, loose, in case Caduceus wants to back out, if this isn’t what he wants. “I..” Fjord begins again, shaking his head, gathering his words, because this is the most he’s confessed. “How can I say this without sounding like a fool?”
And Caduceus squeezes his hand, a little reassurance, and Fjord’s breath hitches. The taller man opens his mouth for the first time in the evening since he greeted Fjord. “It’s only us,” His gravelly voice captures Fjord’s heart, tugs on it a bit, and heat spreads through his body.
“It’s impossible!” He settles for, becoming exasperated with himself, as always. His hand falls from Caduceus’, but not in rejection. “How is it possible for me to sit in front of you, someone who gave me more than I could ever ask for, someone I trust more than Vandren, you! How can I open my mouth and calmly say that I dream about you, that I haven’t held something this tangible and beautiful in my hands since I was born? You will never be able to comprehend the way that I love you,”
He finishes, quiet. His voice feels small in the back of his throat, lingering, worrying. He doesn’t dare look to his friend, afraid of the reaction to his abrasive confession. The world begins to swell around him, panic leaping in his chest, and he sputters for a bit, before getting to his feet, anxiety pulsing through his veins.
Fjord’s halfway through turning around when he feels a familiar hand latch onto his wrist. He shuts his eyes briefly, gulps down his fear, and turns to face the man now standing tall above him. He’s about to apologize, shove the entirety of his yearning in the depths of his soul, when Caduceus only smiles a curling of love, before leaning down into Fjord’s space, hands calm and tender upon his face.
He barely recognizes it’s a kiss until a few seconds in, when Caduceus is preparing to back off from his lips. Fjord reacts with speed though, reaching his hands into the lapels of Caduceus’ jacket, holding him against him, firmly kissing back. And it is truly nothing he has felt before. Not with Avantika and her deceptive lips stabbing Fjord across the body, and not like Sabien, a lie of a man he once knew.
Oh no, nothing was like the disarming pressure of Caduceus against him, always so soft, like he is afraid to hurt Fjord anymore than he already has been in pain. And this fact climbs through the half-orc’s mind just below the taste of lavender tea and the growth of his heart under his rib cage.
When breathing becomes impossible, and Caduceus leans away, yet still oh so close, Fjord looks from his lips to his tender eyes, and he almost cries, almost feels the shuttering of his walls fall down all over again, but Caduceus has an arm around his waist, holding him up, just like he always is.
“I find it difficult that you didn’t know I’ve loved you all this time,” Caduceus mumbles between them, and Fjord has to let out a breath he had been holding in for far too long. The firbolg sees this and chuckles, a warmth takes up their bodies. “I guess not.”
Fjord wants to jab him in the side for that one, but instead he laughs against him as well, rests his head against Caduceus’ chest, an irritated groan escaping him. “So this entire time you decided not to tell me?!” He nearly yelps into his chest, muffled but full of disbelief and laughter.
Caduceus pulls Fjord back, to get a look at him, a good look, a smile spreading across his face. He moves a piece of grayed hair from Fjord’s face. “I was waiting for you. I wanted to know if this is what you really wanted.” He says, so kind and full of appreciation, that Fjord’s face heats up in a blush.
He reaches up on his feet and presses a firm and loving kiss to Caduceus once again, and when the man responds, Fjord feels him float a little bit. “Melora, I love you, Caddy.” He says once they pull apart once again, and Caduceus smiles once again, inches them closer once again.
“And I love you, Fjord.”