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Oddly, that one memory had eluded Richie since they’d gotten back to Derry, Maine. Given everything else he had remembered in the last twenty–four hours, perhaps that shouldn’t have been surprising. It might have been more than his mind could handle.
However, as Richie leaped up to help their friends defeat IT, the memory came rushing back to Eddie.
It was one of Eddie’s last memories before he had left Derry all those years ago. Of course it would have been the first to fade. Of course it would be the last thing that came back to him.
Of course it would be when Richie walked away. Of course the timing couldn’t be worse.
Of course that would be when Eddie remembered everything.
***
Every time Richie passed the kissing bridge, he thought about that afternoon where his pent–up feelings had boiled over and he’d poured his heart and soul into a single carving.
Okay, maybe that was a little dramatic, but he was Richie fucking Tozier, was he ever not?
Still, standing there with Eddie next to him was nearly giving him a heart attack. He could almost feel the letters burning him where he was pressed against the wood of the Kissing Bridge to keep Eddie from seeing it. They were side by side, leaning against the railing. Richie wasn’t sure how they’d ended up at this spot, but it definitely wasn’t good for his blood pressure.
“I’m not going to miss this fucking bridge,” Eddie said looking out to the trees. “Isn’t this where Bowers and them got Ben?”
“Yeah,” Richie said. “It’s where he got his first tattoo.”
“Jesus,” Eddie winced at the memory. He glanced over at Richie. “I won’t miss them either.”
“Jesus, who would?” Richie asked. They laughed, but it died in almost the same second.
Honestly, this would be the perfect time for Richie to be cracking jokes. Instead, he couldn’t remember a time he’d felt more serious. Or sad. As much as he’d tried not to think about it, the time had finally come.
Eddie was leaving.
His mom had enough of Derry and was booting it out, with Eddie in tow. Richie couldn't blame her, on that front. Still, part of him wondered if him and the rest of the Loser’s weren’t a major factor in her decision. He didn’t want to think someone could be that sicko, but then again, Eddie’s mom had given him fake pills for fake diseases for years, so it wasn’t like she was a model of sanity.
Richie looked at Eddie, stoic, feisty, brave Eddie, who had been trying so damn hard to keep it together since he’d found out the news.
(“What if no one likes me?” He’d whispered fearfully to Richie once, when they'd had a minute alone in the hammock at the clubhouse. It was one of the few times he’d let anyone seen how scared he actually was and he’d chosen to reveal it to Richie Trashmouth Tozier.
“Everyone loves you Eddie Spaghetti,” Richie had said. “You’ll be fine.” Then he’d pinched his cheek, and Eddie had smacked his hand, but he looked a little less scared than before.)
It seemed like everyone was leaving. First Beverly. Then, two weeks ago, they’d said bye to Stanley. Eddie was next. Bill was leaving in two weeks, his family desperate to escape the Georgie–sized hole that would forever exist in Derry. Even Ben’s family was talking about moving someplace new, starting over yet again. It looked like Mike was the only one staying in town.
And Richie? He would be gone in a week. His parents had bought a house. He was already enrolled in school. It was happening. He was leaving Derry.
He’d always wanted to get out, but not like this.
When he pictured it, he saw himself behind the wheel of a car, driving god–knows–where. He’d just follow the sunset. Maybe, if he was lucky, a certain person would come with him…
He shook away the daydream. It was just that. A dream. All of Richie’s dreams, it seemed, had popped like a balloon.
Today was Eddie’s last day and the remaining Loser’s had made it memorably. First, they’d spent the morning eating crappy snacks in the clubhouse (both Richie and Eddie still refused to wear the shower caps, something Richie felt oddly proud of). Then they’d taken a dive into the Quarry (Hehad tried not to have a heart attack at the pressure of Eddie’s legs on his shoulders as he held him up while he tried to push Bill off of Mike). Then they’d dried out in the sun and talked about the past, the present, and hopes for the future (well, Richie had made jokes. The day saw an almost record number of “beep beeps”).
Afterwards, when Bill, Mike, and Ben all went home, Richie and Eddie continued on without discussion, riding around Derry, making the occasional joke or remark. It wasn’t uncommon for them to spend time together outside the group (honestly Richie probably spent more one on one time with Eddie than anyone else in the Losers Club) so it wasn’t altogether surprising that they would say their goodbyes separately. Still, Richie couldn’t help the warm feeling in his chest at the fact that Eddie had wanted to see him last before he left.
(Trashmouth and Spaghetti bonding time, as Richie had once called their alone time when they were reading comics in his room. Eddie had shoved him off the bed.)
Somehow they’d ended up here, where they’d left their bikes under the bridge, leaned against the rail, and just talked. They talked about comics, school, home, (not the clown – never the clown) and every random thing that came to their minds. It was like they were trying to slow time, to catch every second they could before their clock inevitably ran out.
The sun was lower in the sky, but it was still shining. A perfectly beautiful last day. It was like the universe was mocking them.
“You can come say goodbye at my house, you know.” Eddie said suddenly, looking down at his hands.
Richie stretched his arms. “No, I’ve already said goodbye to your mom, I don’t think I can handle saying it again.” He grinned sideways at Eddie. “Although, we might be able to squeeze in a quickie before–”
“Beep fucking beep asshole,” Eddie said, though it was milder than usual. Even jokes about Eddie’s mom couldn’t make this moment any less sucky.
Richie sighed and leaned against the railing.
The truth was, he wasn’t going because seeing Eddie get in his car and drive away felt like it would actually kill him. At the very least, he might break down crying and that would certainly raise some eyebrows.
If they were here, he could just pretend Eddie had to go home early and that Richie would see him tomorrow, just like any other day.
“I hate this,” Eddie said quietly. “Like I really fucking hate this.”
You have no idea.
Not to make it all about himself, but Richie thought the universe had fucked him over pretty good.
First it had sent a psychotic child–eating clown demon from fuck knows where to terrorize him and his friends. They’d survived–barely–and Richie was still having nightmares. The scar on his hand stung a little just thinking about the whole ordeal.
Then he’d been dealt a fucking sexuality crisis in fucking Derry, Maine and as much as Richie tried, it was getting near impossible to ignore that particular secret. Perhaps the mantra of girls, girls, girls, that he tried to chant in his head would be easier to follow if it weren’t for his biggest problem, who was currently standing right next to him.
Eddie fucking Kaspbrack.
Honestly, Richie thought he might have been able to deal with everything else, had his feelings for Eddie never happened.
Seriously, how was that fair? How could the universe put all that on him? How could the world make him fall for his small, angry, caring, hypochondriac best friend who would almost certainly never love him back?
As Richie stared at Eddie, whose hair was starting to become adorably curly, whose smile was better than any video game or comic, whose laugh made his heart want to fucking explode, Richie tried and failed to push away all those feelings. It was no use. He seemed doomed to love his best friend in secret until he died.
Yeah, the universe had fucked him over real good.
And now it was splitting them up? Richie wanted to take the universe and smack it harder than he'd smacked that fucking clown.
Instead, he shrugged. “It’s not like it’s goodbye forever, or anything.”
God, it can’t be.
Eddie looked down. “I feel like the Loser's Club is disbanding. Or like when I leave, I’ll be different.” He swallowed. “Like I won’t be a Loser anymore.”
Richie scoffed. “Don’t be so fatalistic. Bev and Stan left and they’re still Losers.”
Eddie bit his lip. “Stan hasn’t called yet–”
“He’s just been busy moving in,” Richie reasoned, ignoring the squirm of discomfort he felt in his stomach. He had also been thinking about it. “He’ll call.”
He’d better.
“Bev hasn’t–”
“Jesus Eds, people grow up! They grow up and they grow apart, it happens!” Richie exclaimed, even though he's honestly thought after everything they’d gone through, him and his friends were different. That they might actually stay best friends forever. “Sometimes people don’t want to be friends anymore. Sometimes you gotta grow up and let go.”
Eddie looked hurt by his outburst and Richie immediately felt guilty. “Fine asshole,” Eddie said angrily. “I guess I won’t bother calling.”
He started to turn to leave and faster than thought, Richie shot his hand out and grabbed his wrist. “Don’t! I’m sorry dude, okay? I didn’t mean it.”
Eddie glared at him. Richie gazed pleadingly back.
Finally, Eddie sighed and settled back against the fence. Realizing he was still gripping him, Richie let go of Eddie’s wrist.
Eddie huffed. “Sometimes you can be so…”
“I’m sorry,” Richie said again. They stared out into the forest. “I just…” he trailed off.
What could he say? I’m scared of you leaving? I’m scared you’re going to find someone better? I’m scared your going to forget all about me?
(I love you.)
He was terrified of losing Eddie. It was just something he had always lived with, something that was always running in the back of his head that he usually tuned out. Logically, he knew Eddie was fine. Until IT.
Sometimes he thought the clown had figured it out, like when it had been Eddie’s head popping through the mattress, coughing up sludge and challenging him to loogie when they’d entered that nightmare house for the first time. Not to mention that moment when IT was slowly coming towards them, it’s hands turning to claws…
AAAAHHHHH!!!! HE’S GONNA KILL US! AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
EDDIE LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME!
This was different. There was no demon clown this time, just miles. But still…
What if he did lose Eddie? His chest squeezed painfully at the thought. No, there was no way that would happen. Nothing in the world could take Eddie away from him. Richie wouldn’t let it.
“I’m going to miss you,” Richie settled on. He was brave enough to admit that much.
Eddie sighed. Richie glanced at him. His eyes were closed. “I’m going to miss you too.”
Even though it wasn’t a huge declaration, Richie’s breath hitched. He hated that Eddie had that effect on him.
Eddie looked at him and raised his eyebrows. “What? Nothing about my mother, or…?”
Richie grinned. Well, since he’d insisted. “Dear Eds, the things your mother and I do belong in the privacy of the bedroom.”
Eddie tried and failed to fight a chuckle. “Fuck you.”
I wish. Richie worried his hands. “Come on, I bet you’ve been dying to get rid of me your whole life.”
An odd expression crossed Eddie’s face. His nose twitched. He glanced at Richie and huffed a breath.“You’re really going to make me say it?”
Richie furrowed his brow, confused.
“You’re my best friend dickwad.” Eddie said, keeping his face firmly aimed at the trees when he said it. “Of course I’m going to miss you.”
Richie’s heart skipped.
It wasn’t a new concept or anything. Stan was his best friend. So was Bev. Hell, Bill, Mike, Ben, they all were. But Eddie was just...different. Eddie was his best best friend. Richie had known that since he’d met him.
Still, it was nice to hear him say it.
He cleared his throat, which felt unsettlingly tight. “Yeah, you’re my best friend too.”
A heavy silence fell upon them. Richie wanted to say something to break it, but his voice wouldn't work. He traced his hand along the wood of the bridge. The R + E felt like it was burning him again.
It was Eddie who finally broke the quiet. “Richie?” He said, staring at him intently.
He felt his face heat up. “Yeah Eds?”
The smaller boy grinned mischievously, “I fucked your mom.”
Richie gaped. Then, cackling, he shoved the laughing Eddie. “Fuck you!” Richie shook his head. “You’ve been sitting on that one a while, huh Eds?”
“Yeah whatever dipshit!” Eddie’s eyes were bright and his grin was better than any sunrise, sunset, or whatever bullshit people claimed was so perfect. Still, instead of making him warm like it usually did, Richie felt a swell of sadness. Richie didn’t know how he was supposed to live without seeing Eddie everyday. He blinked to keep any tears from forming.
They settled back against the fence, closer together than before. Their forearms were barely an inch apart. A curl was falling near Eddie’s eye and Richie’s hand twitched as he fought the urge to move the hair away.
Richie smiled. “You know I’ll call you all the time, once I get the number Maybe it’ll be better for you if you don’t call me at all. You’re phone bill’s gonna go through the roof.”
Eddie giggled. “Jesus, maybe I shouldn’t.”
Richie shook his head and laughed lightly. “Yeah, you’re never getting rid of me Eds.”
“Yeah, I know.” Eddie usually sounded annoyed when he said that. In that moment, however, his voice was oddly fond.
They looked at each other, brown eyes boring into brown. He shouldn’t be worried, Richie thought. They were Richie and Eddie. They’d been inseparable since they were little. It would take an otherworldly force to separate them.
Beep beep, beep beep, beep beep.
Richie’s heart plummeted.
“Shit,” Eddie glared down at his watch. “I have to go or my mom will kill me.”
He looked miserably at Richie, who found himself frozen. This was it. This was goodbye. It was really happening. There was so much left to say and no time left to say it.
“Richie,” Eddie said quietly. “I…” he trailed off, seemingly not knowing what to say.
Slowly, Eddie moved forward and hugged Richie, resting his head against the taller boy’s shoulder. Richie wound his arms around him and held him, probably too tight, but Richie couldn’t find it in him to care.
When they finally pulled away, they’re faces were just inches apart. They stared at each other. Richie studied Eddie’s face, his small curls, his adorable button nose, his dark eyes that Richie could stare into forever, his small, inviting lips. Richie memorized it, determined to hold onto every part of Eddie forever.
Eddie stared back. For a moment, Richie couldn’t help wondering if he was doing the same thing.
“Bye Richie,” he said softly.
Richie swallowed. “See you Eds.”
“Don’t call me that.”
Richie tried to smirk. With one last look, Eddie turned and started to walk away.
Richie stared after him. He had been wrong about it not hurting as much if they said goodbye this way. This was the worst kind of pain. This was worse than the fucking clown. His heart felt like it was twisting, burning, and suffocating all at once.
He watched Eddie, his red shorts, his bouncing hair, his fucking fanny pack, and something flipped inside him. No, this couldn’t be it. This couldn’t be their goodbye.
“Eddie!” Richie yelled, rushing after him.
He turned around and without thinking, Richie grabbed his face in his hands and kissed him.
His face was warm, his lips were soft, and it felt like it lasted a second and forever all at once. Those were the things Richie registered before pulling back.
He let go of Eddie’s face, who was staring at him with wide–eyes, his mouth open in a shocked O. Richie immediately started to panic as he realized what he had done.
Holy fuck, holy fuck, holy fuck!
“I–I–um–I,” Richie stammered, his heart pounding in terror. He couldn’t believe he had just done that. His brain felt like it was short circuiting.
Eddie kept staring at him, with an expression Richie had never seen him make before.
Fuck he’s going to hate me!
“I–Fuck–I–Jolly good fun!” He said in his British Voice. He tried for a laugh, but it sounded more hysterical than anything. “I–Shit–Your mom kisses better–”
“Richie, shut the fuck up!” Eddie said and then he did the last thing Richie expected him to do.
He grabbed the front of Richie’s shirt, pulled him down, and kissed him.
For a second, Richie stood frozen in shock, but when he registered Eddie’s lips moving against his, he closed his eyes and kissed him back.
It was both their first time kissing anyone, and it took them a minute to figure it out. Realizing he was letting his arms hang limp, Richie moved one hand to grip Eddie’s waist, while the other rested on his cheek. Eddie slid one of his hands around Richie’s neck, tugging him even closer.
It was a mix of sweet and chaotic. Eddie’s fingers slid into his hair and Richie’s glasses banged against their faces and Richie pushed on the small of Eddie’s back, bringing them closer together and their noses kept getting smushed and the whole thing was a perfect mess.
Richie stroked his thumb gently along Eddie’s cheek. Eddie sighed and Richie decided that it might be his favorite sound in the world, tied with Eddie’s laugh.
They were both running out of breath now, gasping for air between kisses, but Richie was desperate to never stop, wanted to hold onto this moment, to live in it forever–
The sound of a car engine running sent them flying apart. Both of them fell against the railing, panting, and leaned against it like they had before. They listened as the car came out from under the bridge. Out of the corner of his eye, Richie watched as it drove past them, down the road and out of sight. He breathed a sigh of relief.
He looked over at Eddie, who was already staring at him. Both of them were still breathing heavily. Richie’s heart was racing.
Eddie was the first to break the silence. “You say goodbye to everyone like that?” he asked with a grin.
Richie let out a breathy laugh. “Nope. That was just for you Eddie Spaghetti.”
“Don’t…” Eddie trailed off, shaking his head. He was still smiling.
Richie took another gasping breath. It felt like every nerve in his body had exploded. His brain still hadn’t fully process what had happened.
His lips were tingling. His stomach felt like he’d just gone down a massive roller coaster. He hadn’t expected that. He wasn’t sure what he had expected, but he couldn’t have predicted just how much he would love it.
Jesus fucking Christ…
He cast a nervous glance at Eddie, who was attempting to get his breathing back to normal.
“Do you hate me?” Richie asked. His brain was fuzzy, but not fuzzy enough to forget what had just happened was impossible and dangerous.
“What? No!” Eddie suddenly looked anxious. “Do you hate me?”
Richie shook his head. “Fuck no. Never.”
Feeling unusually brave, Richie slid down the railing until his shoulder was pressed against Eddie’s. After a quick look around to make sure they were still alone, Richie reached over and gently held the back of Eddie’s hand.
After a second, Eddie turned his hand over and threaded their fingers together.
Holy fucking shit.
They stared at their locked hands before slowly looking back into each other’s eyes. Eddie’s expression was soft and sweet, and when he started to lean forward, Richie’s breath hitched. Eddie gazed at him questioningly, and getting the hint, Richie leaned his face towards him. Their noses touched. Richie closed his eyes.
When their lips met, Richie swore fireworks exploded.
Beep beep, beep beep, beep beep!
They broke apart. Richie felt a flare of anger. That wasn’t fair! He wasn't done kissing him yet!
“God dammit,” Eddie swore. He looked just as upset as Richie felt. “I’m so fucking late. If I don’t go now, my Mom will call the police.” He looked at Richie in panic.
Richie swallowed. They were still holding hands, and Richie never wanted to let him go. He wanted to stay there and kiss Eddie until he forgot his own name. He wanted to talk to him, about everything he hadn’t told him yet. There was a millions things to say, a million questions to be asked, a million things that needed to be talked about, and no more time to do it. Their clock had officially run out.
“Call me when you get there,” Richie said hurriedly. “We’ll talk about...you know...everything then.”
Slowly, Eddie nodded. He looked like he was deliberating something. Then, fast as lightning, he leaned forward and kissed Richie again, his free hand gripping Richie’s shoulder.
They were both smiling as they pulled away. Eddie squeezed his hand and shoulder. “Bye Richie,” he said again softly. Then he let go and walked for his bike.
Richie stood numb with shock for a moment. Then, shaking himself out of it, he grinned and yelled “Call me, cutie!”
Eddie swung a leg over his bike, rolling his eyes at Richie in mock annoyance. “I’ll call you the second I get there.”
“You better,” Then because he couldn’t resist, “Guess I should stop screwing your Mom huh?”
“Beep fucking beep Richie!” Eddie called as he rode away, but Richie could hear the smile in his voice.
Eddie turned his head quickly to shoot one last grin at Richie, who waved back. Then he turned and kept riding, and soon he was out of sight.
Reality was quiet without him. That’s what this was: reality. Not a dream concocted in the middle of the night that left Richie in a twisted mix of shame and wistfulness. This moment had actually just happened.
Richie had kissed Eddie. Eddie had kissed him back!
Richie let out a shocked and happy breath. “Holy shit.”
He looked down at the wood. The R + E seemed bolder now, like they weren’t supposed to be hidden, like they were for the world to see.
He kissed his hand and tapped his carving. Then he whooped and pumped his fist in the air.
“Fucking yes!” he laughed. “Fuck yeah! Whoo!”
He thought about the carving. He hadn't shown it to Eddie, had been too caught up in other things to think about it. It didn’t matter, in the grand scheme of things. He would take the kissing any day.
Besides, he thought as he swung his leg over his bike. Maybe he could show Eddie one day. Maybe they’d come back and see it together.
Grinning larger than he’d ever thought possible, Richie started biking home.
~ ~ ~
Eddie tried and failed to keep the smile off his face as he stared out the car window.
Unconsciously, his thumb began tracing his lips yet again. He couldn't stop touching them. He was honestly considering not brushing his teeth ever again. Him. Eddie Kaspbrack.
Who knew goodbyes could be so sweet?
Eddie was going to miss all of his friends more than he could stand, but he guessed he was always going to miss Richie the most. He brushed his lips again and remembered Richie’s mouth against his, warm and soft, nervous and then not so much.
It was one of those things you didn’t know you needed until it happened, and when Richie had kissed him, it was like pulling back the blinds on his life. It was realizing it was something they should have been doing all along.
Kissing Trashmouth. His stomach should have rebelled at the thought; instead it purred.
At some point he knew he’d have to process this, have to figure out what it all meant, what it meant about him, but for now he just wanted to enjoy the tingling feeling on his mouth and the warmth in his heart that lingered since Richie kissed him.
He was still smiling as they drove past the town limits. Suddenly he couldn’t wait to get to his new home, just so he could get to a phone and call Richie–
Wait.
Why did he have to call him again?
They were talking, on the bridge, saying goodbye, and then...what? Was that it? What was so urgent he thought he had to call Richie so soon?
Eddie shrugged and leaned back against the seat. He could worry about it when he got to his new house. Then he’d figure out why he had to call–who did he have to call again? Mike? No, Bill? No…
***
“Richie,” Eddie mumbled, but Richie was with their friends killing IT.
The world started to go dark.
No! Eddie fought to stay awake. He had to tell him, he had to let him know that it was okay, that he remembered, that he loved him too–
–yet love, sadly, could not conquer blood loss.
Eddie’s vision faded to black as he lay stuck in the memory of what could have been.
The world was always against them, wasn’t it?