Work Text:
Lets go on VLIVE together.
It was odd for Jisung to hear those words from someone like Hyunjin. If he was Chan or Changbin maybe it would be normal to him but now he is feeling confused.
“You mean us? You and I ?” he asks again because he has to make sure. He needs to be sure.
Hyunjin smiles at him and nods.
“Of course us.” he also says and Jisung decides to not ask anything else. If Hyunjin wants to go live with him he is more than happy to do so. He shrugs and smiles before he gets ready.
It goes well, they laugh and sing with each other, they put filters on each other's faces and giggle. Hyunjin radiates even when they are the two of them. The more he thinks about it the more he understands that the older man is full of life and has a very interesting spectrum of the things that are happening around him and he finds it quite endearing.
“We should do that again.” Jisung finds himself suggesting after the live, once they are both seated comfortably on their chairs. He just blurted it out, unexpectedly, without thinking too much about it and as shocked as he is with his own response he is with Hyunjin’s too; a bright smile, accommodated with a giggle and a cute nod.
Adorable.
They say their goodbyes and both of them go back to their routine, Jisung is writing lyrics in his studio, locked and isolated from everyone just for the health of his sanity (thank god he added a code lock on his door) and Hyunjin is practicing new moves and chores with Minho, as they tend to do on a daily basis.
They go on like this, both of them having solo v lives and one of them will jump in on the other for a sec or join in for the rest of it. They laugh and say meaningful things, they share ideas and cute stories about their childhood years and fans can’t get enough of it; they love them, cherish them and root for them even more than before.
Jisung can see why, Jinnie is a beautiful man inside out, his mind is an amazing garden of exotic thoughts and ideas, a philocalist with a heart made of honey. A kind , soulful being that cares lots but says nothing. Fans love his complex personality and to be fair he can't blame them: he does too. He constantly acts cute around Hyunjin, asking for hugs and blowing kisses and among the time that they spent together, Jisung finds himself looking fondly at the older man, eyes sparkling as he listens to Hyunjin talk or laughs.
---
Jisung finds himself being enamored with his friend and it is making him question himself.
When ,why ,how
He constantly thinks of the older and even though it is making his head dizzy and his heart confused, he let it be.
He just likes Hyunjin ,his friend,his bandmate,the person he is spending too much time with since pre-debut , the man who was the reason that he felt like he was living in hell but now it feels like paradise and he is so scared to say it, lord he is terrified of labeling it, of giving a meaning behind what his mind is screaming at him.
As the days go by and their schedule becomes more and more busy, Jisung finds himself calming down over his fuzz about the honey-like boy, everything settles inside him, so what if he has a little crush over Hyunjin?
It is okay, he is okay, calm, collected. Except...what if the kid in him crossed the lines and blurred out all that his heart has locked inside the past four months? He would never forgive himself.
Everything's better when you keep your mouth shut.
Until it’s not.
Hyunjin is touchy, too touchy. Jisung is like that too but after his epiphany, everything is too intense for him. Hyunjin hugs and holds faces in his big, soft hands, he laughs and offers his smile if you call him cute, he smiles and shines ,so when he comes in Jisung’s studio and hugs him from behind or pet his hair or smiles at him or..or when he giggles, the younger feels tiny sparks in him. Hyunjin starts a whole firework festival inside him and it is so sad, so utterly devastating that Jisung curses his weak heart and calls himself an idiot.
He smiles though.
---
Six months in and after four hours of thinking and rethinking and overthinking Jisung has come to the conclusion that he likes his friend. In that stupid way in which he wants to hold his hand and count all his lashes while Hyunjin sleeps on his chest and runs his fingers through his hair, letting them rest on his neck and bring the older closer, foreheads touching and breaths mingling. He is hopeless, enamored and absolutely whipped to the point that it doesn't even seem weird to him anymore.
It is weird though.
---
Hyunjin spends a lot of time in Jisung’s studio by helping him to make music, talking about it or recording. Hyunjin is Jisung’s personal demo voice. They don’t know how it happened but since the beginning, Jisung felt that the older man’s voice is perfect for him so since then Hyunjin records all his songs, all his wips, and melodies, all his melodic rapping lyrics. So when one-day Hyunjin comes to his studio and tells him that he cant record any more Jisung panics.
“Is there a problem ?” his voice is soft , controlled.
Did you see how much I like you and want to stay away?
Hyunjin is looking stressed and tiny, hair disheveled, eyes red at the corners and beard growing.
“No, no.” He is lying. Jisung has spent a long time staring at Hyunjin to know when he is lying.
A minute passes and the older readjust in his position. Head falling back, groaning, taking quick steps towards Jisung until he is in front of him. Jisung titles his head and feels like standing on his tiptoes just so he can stare straight into Hyunjin’s eyes. He doesn’t but he still looks into the boy’s eyes searching for anything that can give him some kind of clarification, that can assure him of Hyunjin’s words. He wants to see that Hyunjin is just tired but not tired of him.
“I need time for myself.”
oh
Jisung presses his lips in a thin line.
“I need to destress and have fun and -” Hyunjin looks up and sucks in a breath right after.
And be away cause you figured out.
“I-I”
“Go on then.” is all Jisung says with a smile. His heart is pounding rapidly in his chest, face looking calm, soul getting smaller. Hyunjin looks at him in shock. Jisung hugs him, holds him tight and bone breaking. He is glad that the older doesn't pull back even if he is not hugging him back.
“Go get yourself back...As a friend I want the best for you, I want you to be happy and full of life, joyful and beautiful like the way you are.” Hyunjin looks at him with tears in his eyes, a tiny smile forming on his face before his eyebrows furrowed in a sad way.
“Why are you crying now? You baby.” Jisung jokes and the elder pouts.
“But your music-”
“Our music can wait. Now go.”
Hyunjin smiles brightly at him and Jinsung dies inside. He is not sure if it is out of happiness or sadness.
“Thank you..” Hyunjin whispers.
The next minute finds Jisung having a smile plastered on his face until Hyunjin is out of the room and most probably out of the building too. Jisung holds his breath and walks out of his studio towards the window in the hallway, looking out, watching until he sees Hyunjin walking out of the company, talking to his phone, hands running through his hair and ruffling them a bit. The young man finds himself chuckling miserably
“You are so cute,” he whispers and waits until Hyunjin gets in a car and is out of his sight.
He gulps the lump in his throat by drinking his coffee in one go.
He is sad, miserable, confused and lost. He is feeling tiny sharp jolts in his chest and hears his heart throbbing in his ears, shivers are running down his spine and he wants to puke.
He held in his lovesickness for the sake of not losing his friendship with the elder, of not bringing problems to his group but it backfired him.
Pain is consuming him and he finds himself running to his studio so nobody will see the tears spilling like fat raindrops on his red cheeks and hears his long sobs.
---
He waits and waits and waits a little more. Expecting Hyunjin to come to him or at least to explain why he is distant and quiet the past month. Or months. He doesn’t count. He knows that if he does he will panic and overreact and get weak and unproductive. So he let himself feel only two things.
Patience and hope.
Hoping that Jinnie will be honest with him, that he will tell him everything even if they will hurt him.
He misses Hyunjin, he misses his friend and the guy he has a crush on.
He can’t function properly and sanely anymore. He is lost and still confused but the desperation in him is killing him more than anything. Hyunjin hasn't spoken to him for more than five minutes the past months . They didn't have a proper conversation for months, had no record, sing, laugh or say good morning to each other for more than 60 days and Jisung feels dead inside.
He wakes up every single day hoping and every single night he cries himself to sleep. To not think or remember. To not feel . Sadness consumes his body every time Hyunjin looks at him.
He fucked it up.
He let his feelings be shown and everything went to a long, non-ending downhill after it.
He can't stand having him beside him and acting like everything is fine because it’s not and they will probably never be again because according to Seungmin, Hyunjin is perfectly fine and very happy. Jisung smiled at that. He likes Hyunjin being happy. He just wished that he was a part of his happiness
---
“Hey, Hannie .”
“Hyunjin hyung ?” he slurs to the honey-like voice ringing in his ears. His eyes are closed, lying on his bed, his headphones hanging on his neck, blasting to a song about a dead love.
He had sense somebody’s presence in the room but didn't address it until the person breathed out a heavy sigh.
He is tired, like every single night ,eyes puffy and red. He chose to take this path rather than drink himself to sleep and wake up with a headache. That would make everyone feel sorry for him or try to help him. He chose to feel like this. He has every right to feel numb and sad and heartbroken but he has no right to upset anyone.
“Why you don’t talk to me anymore?”
His eyes fly open, body jerking up to look at the person speaking to him, feeling dizzy from the sudden move.
Hyunjin looks at him with a weird expression. Hurt? Sadness? Jisung can’t understand. He is ready to answer with something between the lines of “ It’s nothing, I’m just constantly tired.” but something inside him sparkles…
“Excuse me? I don't what? I’m not talking to you ?” his voice becomes louder and Hyunjin blinks at him.
“Yeah, you -”
“I’m not talking to you ?” he feels himself shouting and honestly? Fuck it. He is done.
“You asked me to give you time. You told me that you were in need of finding yourself, that you couldn’t record or practice and what did I say?”
“Jisung why are you asking me this?” his voice is calm compared to Jisung’s and it is sending him all the way into rage mode.
“What the fuck did I say to you Hyunjin ?” he growls at him getting up. He wants to punch him. He honestly wants to beat the shit out of him.
Hyunjin must sense his anger but the unpolite ways of the younger make him gasp and he takes a step back while speaking.
“You told me to go and find myself back. That it is okay if I can’t record or do anything in general with you, that you want me happy-”
“Exactly.” Jisung doesn't tent to interrupt anyone so it got Hyunjin off guard.
“I said to you to find your happiness and never asked you anything about it. I respect your wish and let you be. I saw you becoming better ,smiling and interacting with people , I saw you laughing again and being productive again. You became better , you were you again and” he breathes ,feeling his eyes watering.
Don't break in front of him.
“I tried to talk to you, we live in the same house and you haven’t talked to me like we used to for three months ” He can feel a tear rolling down his eye and wipe it right away.
Hyunjin looks at him dumbfounded. Eyes popping out of their sockets and mouth hanging open like he doesn't understand. Doesn't know.
“Do you know how that made me feel ?” Jisung gets up, walking towards the older.
“Do you know how many nights I asked myself where was I wrong? What did I say that pushed you away from me ?” he sniffs and blinks rapidly.
He can't keep the tears in anymore.
“I was worried sick for you and I didn’t want to say anything because you asked me to let you be and I did.”
“Jisung …” Hyunjin is walking towards him , hands opening slightly to embrace the younger man in his arms.
“Dont..” Jisung’s voice is trembling ,”Don't come close to me with your sweet voice and warm hands ,ready to hug me cause if you do ,then I’m gonna give in and do something stupid like punching you.” he mumbles in between sobs and Hyunjin chuckles.
Like kiss you.
“I’m gonna risk it.”
“No hyu-” His breath gets caught up in his throat as warmth entangle him , roses and musk knock in his nostrils ,suffocating him .
“It’s okay,” Hyunjin tells him and lets the younger cry out. “I'm here now.” he whispers and Jisung sobs because “Nooo.” he whimpers and sobs more ,grabbing dearly to the older’s shirt , head falling on Hyunjin’s shoulder ,wetting the fabric with his unending tears.
Hyunjin pet his head and strokes his back, shushing him, letting him cry more, sob and scream , whimper and whine, he holds him tight until Jisung is breathing calmly in his arm, slow ,with eyes closed.
Hyunjin lays him down , kissing his forehead after tucking him in.
“Sleep tight” he whispers and gets up ,turning the light off before closing the door behind him,leaving Jisung with dreams made of tender touches and words of love .
----
Jisung wakes up to the sound of a dog barking.
“Berry?” he says, voice sour.
“No, that is not him. Guess again.”
The sweet voice makes his stomach ache.
He let his head sink deeper on his pillow and wet his lips.
“Kkami.” he words out raspily. He hears giggles and feels his bed dipping before tiny paws are resting on his torso and a nose is sniffing his mouth. He smiles at the gesture of curiosity and pets Kkami. He finds himself thinking that Kkami is exactly like his owner: curious and cute.
Jisung clears his throat and opens his eyes slowly. Adjusting to the sunbathed room and once his vision is clear, the air from his lungs is knocked out once again.
Hyunjin is right next to his bed, leaning on Jisung’s bedside table, smiling at him.
He wants to perish.
“Morning sleepy head, did you rest well?”
Jisung let himself take in what he sees. Hyunjin is wearing a baby blue shirt and black trousers. His hair jet black and wavy , long and shiny.
He let himself be for a second. A second where he stays true to his feelings and admits to himself that he is so far gone for his friend, his bandmate.
He simply nods and closes his eyes again, taking a deep breath. The second is gone.
“How come you are both here?” he asks calmly , petting KKami and letting his hands caress the underside of the dog’s chin.
“Well,” there is a long pause that makes Jisung lift his head and lay his eyes on Hyunjin but oh no.
The elder is fidgeting with his hands but his expression seems calm.
Here comes the lie. Jisung thinks and wait for it.
“We just came here to keep you company.Kkami whispered to me that he wanted to see you ,so I brought him to you.”
Jisung’s heart aches.
“How nice of you …” he whispers and looks at the man next to him once again, trying to read his eyes. The bitter taste in his mouth comes back and he wants to cry. His day cant start like this. It just can’t. He smiles sadly and let his eyes drift back to the dog in his hands.
“As much as I love Kkami , I would like to-”
“I wanna talk to you.” he hears Hyunjin whisper and his whole body frizes. No.
“About what?”
“About-”
“You don’t need to talk to.. Yesterday I overreacted. I shouldn't yell at you. I apologize for my behavior. I can be intense sometimes. I shall work on myself and fix my flaws as best as possible. I respect your choices and you. Me being so bold to you was uncalled for when you have been nothing but nice to me even when you were trying to find yourself and had a hard time. I’m sorry for the way I act.”
That’s it. Take the blame, it is easier that way. You will eventually forget Jisung. Just hang in there..
He can feel Hyun’s eyes on him , he can feel the gulp in his throat suffocating him.
“I’m sorry I made you feel like this. I shall never do that again.” is all he hears before the door of his room opens and sees Kkami slips out of his hands. Alone in his room once again.
----
Things settle for some time. The members run errands and go out with friends. Jisung is busy though. To the point, he can’t get out of his studio. He is constantly making music; for the group, for his mixtape, for his sanity.
He keeps himself busy to the point that he only let Chan interrupt him with hugs and food.
He stays in his studio make his days long just so his nights will seem shorter. Just so he won't cry, he won't think.
“..It’s not easy to stay busy, long days and late nights can’t keep you off my mind but are you feeling the same...”
The lyrics paint his heart blue and for some peculiar reason, they reassure him.
He let his head fall back on his chair and closes his eyes.
“Astrid S is great but this song is sad.” the honey voice is back and Jisung breathes in.
“Is it ?” he says and smiles slightly , eyes opening to meet Hyunjin’s.
The older nods and steps in. Closer to Jisung.
“What are you doing?” he asks and...he looks ...scared. Almost small. Almost hesitant.
“Writing, getting inspired.”
“Getting inspired by a sad love song is not good. It makes you ache” he says and Jisung smiles.
“This is the last thing that makes me ache.” he wanna says Hyunjin’s name but it feels strange on his tongue. He hasn't addressed the older with his name since that one morning.
“Is the first thing me or am I reading this the wrong way ?” Hyunjin chuckles nervously and oh god.
Jisung stares at him. Calmly. Letting his silence speak for him.
Until the older bites his lip and a tear roll down his eye.
“I see…” Hyunjin whispers and let his head fall on the front.
“Is it because I asked for some time? Was that too much? I needed to clear my mi-”
“It is because I like you”
“Well,” Hyunjin blinks rapidly “I like you too but what does this have to do with anything?”
Jisung smiles sadly, his eyes looking at the other man, examining his whole face.
Maybe he should stop, maybe all this pain is worthless. So what if he likes his bandmate? So what if he can’t stop thinking about the older? He tried to endure it, he tried to let him be away but...He just can't do it.
Jisung takes a deep breath to clear his mind. He closes his eyes and lets his mind become numb for a second. Just a second in which he will throw away all the images of the man in front of him hugging him, calling his name softly, kissing him, being his.
“Hyunjin hyung.”
His voice is trembling and his heart is aching but he is determined. No more problems.
“I’m really sorry for my behavior. Please forgive me.”
The older looks at him dumbfounded.
“I’ve been mad at you for no reason at all. I was just sad, I guess.”Jisung gulps down the shame that consumes his whole body. “You needed time out of the blue and even if I respected your decision, it left me with a bitter taste. I thought you were tired of me, that you just didn't want to collaborate with me anymore. That you were tired of my company and the way I worked.”
All of those thoughts have been in his mind for a long time, so he is technically saying the truth, just not all of it.
Hyunjin is looking at him almost mortified. His eyes seem cold, his face is an unreadable canvas but the more Jisung looks at him, the more things he discovers, like the way Hyunjin’s hands, are turned into fists, his knuckles white from the pressure and how they ..shake.
“I know that I have been an asshole-”
“Hell yeah, you were.” Hyun’s voice is trembling and Jisung wants to hold him close but he knows better.
If he touches the older man even for a second it will backfire him. He will break down. He can’t let himself react like this.
“This is ridiculous, we are both adults, we are not trainees anymore. We can’t be mad at each other over-” Hyunjin looks at Jisung and licks his lips.
“Over nothing?”
“It is not ‘nothing’ !” the older shouts and Jisung is mortified. He has never heard the other raising his voice this much. “You are upset, for so long, you make us all worried because you seem like you go through some kind of depression and yet when you are around other members you are completely okay but not with me. What is wrong ? Just” Hyunjin breaths out “tell me. Please. No matter what it is I wi-”
Jisung holds a breath once he sees Hyunjin letting a sob slide out of his mouth.
And he just can’t take it anymore. He gets up and with two steps he is in front of Hyunjin , closing the space between then , breaking down the wall that he built up with so much effort, a wall made of yellow roses filled with thorns and stained with his blood because no matter how much he is trying to stay away from the older, it will forever be impossible. He hugs Hyunjin and the later claws his hands on him, grabbing Jisung dearly and breakdowns inside his arms.
“I am so sorry Ji…” his voice sounds so small , like a whisper while he cries and Jisung is trying so hard to not collapses, to not let himself do as it pleases.
‘This is a moment of weakness , don’t take advantage of it ‘ he repeats to himself until he can speak with a steady voice.
“ It’s okay hyung , calm down ..everything is okay” he shushes him and stroke Ηyunjin’s hair while rocking them from side to side.
The tiny deja vu makes him smile and flashbacks of them being in each other’s arms yet Jisung being the one crying are coming back to his mind before a whisper interrupts his thoughts.
“Please talk to me.” the elder repeats and Jisung feels his heart sinking but he says nothing until Hyunjin is peacefully breathing in his arms a while after.
Hyunjin lifts his head and Jisung wanna die. His eyes are red, there are dark circles under his eyes and he looks like he hasn’t been in peace with his mind for a long time ...just like Jisung.
“Pleas-” Hyunjin mumbles and bites his lip.
“I will. Just ...give me a second.” Jisung breathes out. He needs to be strong. For Hyunjin , for their friendship, for himself. He is ready to pour out his heart to the man in front of him but yet again he is asking himself ..should he?
Hyunjin nods and doesn’t leave the younger to let him go. Jisung breaths once again and closes his eyes before he starts talking, spilling all the petals that have bloomed inside his heart the past months. He talks about Hyunjin , about himself , about the way his heart is pounding for so long to the beat of love , of longing, of pain. He talks about the pain in him, about the need to be away yet close to the older and Hyunjin-
Hyunjin listens and holds Jisung close.
“ I let myself fall for you with so much passion and so intensely… I loved you as much as I hated you back in the pre-debut days”
Hyunjin smiles and chuckles. He doesn’t talk though.
Jisung waits for him to push him away, to word out his disgust, to shout and scream at him, to thread him that he will never talk to him again if he comes close to him but no -
Hyunjin stays exactly where he is, inside Jisung’s arms and the latter doesn’t know what to do. So he just let them stay likes this.
His hands escalate from where they are, creating patterns on Hyunjin’s back. He feels free yet on edge like he is looking at the beautiful view at the end of a cliff, ready to receive the final push and fall into his despair. Yet he takes his time. He waits until Hyunjin wakes up from his delusional state of mind until the fog is cleared out and his heart turns into stone. The stone that will knock Jisung out and make him trip and fall from the cliff he stands on.
“I hate that I love you too.” Hyunjin whispers and Jisung takes a moment to make the gears in his mind work. He takes a step back and looks at his older friend with wide eyes.
“You heard me. You were torturing both of us with your behaviour but even though I should be mad at you I’m just relieved. You put yourself inside a box , labelled as: not available anymore , and let no one be near you, especially me. You made me feel like I have made my feelings be seen by you and that you were disturbed by them. When I asked for time, it was because I needed space to be away from you just so I wouldn’t do anything stupid. I went to walks with Seungmin or Chan hyung , with Minho hyung or Felix , I tried to stay away from you even when you were pushing me away but ...look at me now, in front of you once again.”
Hyunjin smiles and slowly reaches for Jisung’s face, touching the younger’s cheek and stroking gently.
“Idiot… you made us suffer for so long , you and your dramatic ass.”
Jisung furrows his eyebrows and puff his cheeks ready to scold the older but once Hyunjin giggles he sighs heavenly and hugs him again, resting his head on Hyunjin’s shoulder
“I’m sorry .” he mumbles and Hyunjin smiles.
They stay like that for some more minutes, breathing in each other, getting familiar with each other once again. Hyunjin keeps his hands on Jisung’s face for so long that they start sweating and Jisung holds Hyunjin’s hips so tight that the taller man wouldn't leave even if he wanted to.
They are so close yet they have such a long ride to go through just to feel like two perfect pieces in one bigger picture.
Hyunjin licks his lips and rests his forehead on Jisung's, making the younger take a step back from the sudden affection.
“Hold up, I’m not ready for so much lovey-dovey things.”
“ I think that you are not ready for me to kiss you because minutes ago you were confessing your love to me like a true Romeo” Hyunjin smirks and bites his tongue.
“Please don’t do that, I don’t wanna die this young” Jisung whines and Hyunjin laughs loud and delightfully, bringing butterflies to life inside Jisung’s stomach. “Oh my god” he whines once again and lets his head fall back dramatically before Hyunjin yanks him forward and looks at him with stars in his eyes.
“Cut the drama.” Hyunjin sing songs and a tiny breath leaves Jisung’s lips before Hyunjin leans in, capturing his lips in a soft kiss. The elder pulls back, looking at Jisung, who’s eyes are open wide and laughs.
“I was supposed to do that !” the younger shouts and makes Hyunjin laugh more.
“Who do you think you are, you're going to regret this!” he adds and Hyunjin can’t hold back the way his body is cackling and his heard is blooming from the adore that Han Jisung is.
“I’m gonna take what you stole, you thief,” Jisung whispers and brings Hyunjin close again.
“ Oh my lord you are so dramatic” the elder giggles and laughs until he feels Jisung’s lips on his once again and a delight sound slips out of his mouth before he puts both of his hands around Jisung’s head, entangling it and leaving zero space between them.
They kiss and kiss some more, for all the time they were apart, for the times that their hearts were aching, for the months they didn’t speak to each other, for the moons and suns that didn’t find them together.
They kiss until they feel uncomfortable yet unable to pull away .Until they only peck each other and giggle with one another.Until they rest on each other comfortably, still standing, still grabbing one another.
“So now what ?” Jisung asks with a raspy voice and Hyunjin smiles wide, his eyes becoming tiny crescents when he let the words leave his mouth.
“Let's go on Vlive together”
Fin