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“Can we talk?”
He motions for me to come in. I can see that he’s been meditating, there’s a certain feeling in the air. The spirits thick in the air. I look apologetically at him. I know that he needed the calm that a vision quest gives him. I’m afraid that the conversation we’re about to have will stir the waters again.
The last thing I want is to be the reason he can’t find peace. The peace he’s worked so hard to achieve. He once told me I was his peace.
I look at him again. I can tell that the presence of the Cardassian on board today has emotionally taken its toll on him. I can tell that almost losing B’Elanna has taken its toll.
I can tell our fight has taken its toll. He’s as unguarded as I’ve ever seen him.
“I need to apologize for today,” I start.
“Okay...”
“I also owe you an explanation.” I whisper.
************
5 hours earlier
“I can’t believe you’re entertaining this. B’Elanna has clearly stated she doesn’t want HIS help. Not to mention the horrific means that he came to this solution. This is ethically wrong. And you know it.” Chakotay is as angry as I’ve ever seen him.
“Chakotay, I’m sorry. But we need B’Elanna. You KNOW that. I cannot afford to lose our chief engineer. We have the ability to SAVE HER LIFE. I understand this is difficult for the crew, especially the Maquis.” I countered.
He silently looks at me.
“He tortured bajorans all in the name of science and medical advancement.”
“I am well aware of the cardassian treatment of prisoners...”
“Yea, I’m sure the Starfleet memos really captured what it was like. 5 meals a day, proper bedding, and all the alpha quadrant hospitality you could ask for. You wouldn’t know oppression or a backwater prison if it bit you.” He scoffs at me.
“How dare you think I don’t know. If you think this is easy for me, think again. You’re bordering on insubordination so think very carefully about your next words to me.” I can feel myself beginning to lose control of my own emotions. Nightmares have been kept at bay until an hour ago when I made the decision for the doctor to proceed. Sleep won’t come easy tonight.
He refuses to look at me and mumbles something.
“I’m sorry... I couldn’t quite hear you.” Irritation growing in my voice.
He looks up and I can see every bit of anger channeled towards me. “I said, ‘once again hiding behind starfleet”
“You’re damn right I am. And until you can show me a better alternative for B’Elanna this discussion is over. I am intimately aware of cardassian hospitality. I know exactly what methods were used. I can put my differences and prejudices aside to save someone’s life, one that I am quite fond of actually. If you’ve got a problem with that, go write a letter of grievance. Until you’re ready to have an adult discussion about this, this conversation is over. Now get the hell out of my office.”
*********
Present
We sit in silence for a few minutes. I’m not quite sure where to start. He has every right to know my feelings on this subject. The moments I spent formulating my beginnings to this are basically useless because I can see the hurt and anger in his eyes. I just want him to understand and not judge.
“You wouldn’t happen to have any alcohol near by would you?” I wryly smile at him.
“Am I really that unapproachable that you need liquid courage to talk to me?”
Running my palms up and down my things. My nerves are showing. “No, but this isn’t our usual conversation, Chakotay. And I need a drink...”
He goes over to his liquor cabinet. He selects a whiskey I’ve ever seen before and 2 tumblers. He pours me 2 fingers and hands me the glass before pouring himself one. I move to the windows and look out at the stars. Trying to find a calm before the storm.
I know what I’m about to reveal to him may shake our foundation. My lack of honesty and his penchant for trust could derail the bonds we’ve forged.
I take a hard swig and jump off.
“I wanted to apologize for earlier today. Your heart was in the right place, and I shouldn’t have dismissed yours and B’elanna’s wishes so easily. You were doing your job as first officer, and more important as an advocate for the crew. Please don’t ever stop being their advocate. I forget how important that is sometimes and today was one of them.”
He regards me carefully and replies, “Thank you for that. How’s B’Elanna doing? I haven’t seen her yet.”
“She’s still excising the demons I brought out today. My only goal was to save her life. She can be pissed at me all she wants.” I take another swig and look away from him to the stars once again.
We sit there in a beat of silence before I make my next move.
“How much of my personnel file have you read?”
He looks surprised that I would ask him that. I continue on.
“I figured you would have read it. I read yours, it’s a bit one sided, but an interesting read nonetheless. Anyone in our shoes would have read it from top to bottom before forging the relationship we have. I’m interested to know what you thought.”
I can tell by the look on his face that he’s confused as shit. He was not ready for this conversation.
After a long pause he replies, “You’re asking me this now? After 5 and half years together, you’re asking me now? Why?”
“Because I know you have questions. Questions about the gaps in my service.”
Realization dawns on his face, but he waits for me to continue. I may be on his turf but I’m holding all the cards right now. I take a long swig and press on.
“My first gap in service was after my first mission. Owen Paris specifically requested me to accompany him on a mission to study “Compact Halo objects.” What I didn’t know was our alternative mission, near the cardassian border. Owen and I took a shuttle out to gather some readings. He said he wanted to see how I was adjusting to post academy life. I was still green and didn’t notice us drift into cardassian space. As Owen was taking his readings I was gathering information on the halo objects. A cardassian warship intercepted us. They saw starfleet on the hulk and decided we would be a great addition to their collection of prisoners. They sent us to Rejolia Major.”
I feel Chakotay step closer to me, a silent comfort. He knows that being this unguarded is hard for me.
I finish what’s left of my drink and continue.
“We spent 3 weeks there. The first few days were lonely and I felt helpless. All I could do was sit and listen to Owen scream. I knew my time was coming and I can remember praying that the rescue team would find us first. One night they brought Owen to my cell. I thought they were just allowing him to rest and me to take care of him...”
Chakotay’s now so close I can feel how tense he is. He knows what I’m about to tell him.
“For the next 2 weeks they used me to see if they could break the unbreakable admiral. And I watched the strongest man I knew crumble like a sand castle.”
As we stood there in silence Chakotay slipped his hand in mine. I could feel his anger emanating from him.
I reached for his drink and forged ahead.
“One night after a particularly rough session, we heard bombs go off and phaser fire. There was shouting and smoke. We were so out of it we had no idea that our rescue was coming. One of the men who rescued us was named Justin Tighe. He personally helped get me out of that cell and off that planet. Long story short, we made it out alive. Barely.
“I spent 3 months in medical and psych. Justin took a leave and was there every day. When I came home finally, we struck up a romance. After 2 more months of rehab I was ready to take on Starfleet again. I continued on my science path and never looked back. While I still bare the scars of my time, I’ve found a way to use them for my benefit. An armor if you will.”
I finally have the strength to look at Chakotay. He’s staring at me with the most turbulent, unreadable eyes. With tears in mine, I can see that he’s seeing a Kathryn he never thought he would. Raw and unguarded.
As I allow him to process one I’ve just told him, a truth no one on this knows, I slowly sink to the ground. The rollercoaster of emotions from today has wiped me out and after this admission I can’t seem to find the strength to stand.
Eventually Chakotay speaks.
“I had no right to say what I did today, Kathryn. I’m so sorry I was so brash and emotional. I knew this weighed heavy on you, but I had no idea this was why.”
“How would you have known Chakotay? It’s not common knowledge. Not even Tuvok knows the full extent of that time. And I didn’t tell you for pity or apologies, I told you because you deserve to know the truth. And you deserve to know why I said what I did today. I stayed with starfleet because I thought I could be a beacon, but it doesn’t mean that I don’t sympathize with you or any of the Maquis or millions of people that the cardassians imprisoned. I voiced my concerns with the treaty, quite loudly. There’s a reason I was sent after you... they needed to know if I was a loose cannon......”
Now that we’re talking the truths just keep coming. This one may have needed to stay bottled up. Hell, why stop now.
“What do you mean there’s a reason You were sent to catch us? Were we a test?”
“...yes...”
His only response was, “Wow...”
For the next hour, we just sit there on his floor in silence. I can hear the wheels in his brain turning and the ebb and flow of anger and resentment until he finally speaks again.
“So what happened with Justin?”
I carefully weigh the pros and cons of starting down this path. Justin is so much more than my knight in shining armor. More complex and provocative than a night could explain.
“He’s a story for another bottle of whiskey.”
Chakotay understands that the walls around Kathryn are closing and the captain is making her return. I give him a sad smile and make a move to get up. He helps me to my feet. We stand there for a minute looking at each other. It’s been a minute since we’ve just stood and stared into each other’s eyes silently showing our affection for one another.
I make a move to go, and he catches my hand. I turn to say something and he beats me to it.
“Whenever you’re ready, I’ve got the whiskey ready. I’m only a door away.”
“I know. I’ll see you in the morning. Goodnight Chakotay.”
As the door closes and can hear him say goodnight back.