Chapter Text
Pairings: Eventual moceit, established side prinxiety, platonic everyone
Warnings: Sympathetic Deceit.
Author’s note: Most of Deceit’s lies are italicised, for clarity, but also because he just Talks Like That,
“And then I told her that me and my boyfriend would both love to come over for Christmas!”
“Well that was a wonderful decision that couldn’t possibly backfire, I'm sure,”
“What? Patton, what were you thinking?”
“Were you thinking? At all?”
“You totally screwed up.”
“I know, I know, it was a really stupid thing to do, but I’ve done it now and I made a big mess and I really need you guys to help me, please?” Patton knew was whining, but at this point he had lost any sense of shame, or propriety he’d ever had. “I've been telling my parents for ages about this supposedly great guy that I've been seeing, and how he’s apparently too busy for them to meet, and now they’re sick of waiting.”
The group was gathered at Ethan, Roman and Virgil’s apartment for their weekly movie night. Ordinarily, by now they’d already be thirty minutes into the Beauty and the Beast, but due to circumstances, his friends had had to watch Patton pace and moan about his mistakes instead. It was really a testament to how good a friend Roman was that he hadn’t been punched yet.
Patton messed up a lot. He wasn’t quite used to messing up this hard.
He just hated to disappoint people! So, when his mum had called him up three years ago and asked about his love life, he’d made up a silly harmless little tale about a guy he’d met and started seeing. He’d meant to tell his mum that they’d broken up eventually, but she just seemed so excited every time she brought it up! Over the years, they’d established that Patton’s boyfriend was very painfully shy and worked a lot.
As his roommate and longest standing best friend Logan had pointed out to him when he’d first confessed the dilemma, he really should have expected that his parents would eventually want to meet his mysterious significant other. Logan was very clever.
“So let me get this straight- “,
“Good luck with that” chorused Roman and Virgil. Patton had to take a break to think about how cute they were together.
“…Not only have you been lying to your dear mother and father for three years, you’re now asking one of your friends to join you in your deceptive plot by pretending to be your boyfriend? How very disappointing.”
…
Patton firmly reminded himself that if he couldn’t say anything nice, he shouldn’t say anything at all. Roman and Virgil’s incredibly aggravating roommate was a relatively new presence in their close-knit group, and not one that Patton was thrilled about.
Ethan was…snarky, to put it mildly. He had a flippant attitude towards everything and seemed to take pleasure in driving Patton up the wall. Most frustrating of all, you could never quite shake the feeling that behind the careless exterior, Ethan had some sort of secret motive, one that Patton could never seem to figure out but that he didn’t trust one bit.
He didn’t even particularly seem to like any of them and yet he insisted on tagging along whenever they hung out. If only he wasn’t so close with Virgil…
Ugh. Patton liked to think he was a nice person, but whenever Ethan looked at him with that infuriating smirk or said something sarcastic it became really hard for him to remember that.
But for now, he didn’t have time to be mad at Ethan. He had other problems.
“It’s just for one week.” He pleaded with his friends. “I’d call my parents up and tell them we broke up, I promise?”
Logan sighed. “I am afraid I cannot do it, since Patton and I have been friends since childhood. Patton’s parents already know me very well, and they would know immediately that we were conspiring to distort their reality.”
“Do you have to phrase it like that?!”
“Well, that is literally what you are suggesting Patton, regardless of whether you’re willing to admit to it.”
Ethan snorted at that and Patton counted to ten in his head.
He had really hoped that Logan could do it. They were best friends, his parents already adored him, and Patton didn’t even think he’d be that uncomfortable pretending to act all romantic with him in front of his parents. But Logan had a point. He always did.
“Roman? Virge? Please?”
Roman and Virgil turned to look at each other before answering.
“Sorry Padre, but it’s our first Christmas being together and Virgil and I have already made plans.”
Virgil shrugged apologetically at him and Patton immediately felt bad. How could he have forgotten?
To think, when they’d first met, the two silly kiddos couldn’t stand the sight of each other and now Virgil and Ro were practically inseparable. Patton was happy for them. He couldn’t help but think that he deserved just a teensy bit of credit for introducing them in the first place.
“Patton?” Logan’s voice broke him out of his thoughts. “What will you do now?”
“Huh? Oh… I don’t know, I guess I’ll just have to call my mum up and tell her the truth. Or something. I don’t really have any one else who I think would want to do it. I guess that’s what I get for telling a lie…”
“You haven’t asked me yet.”
Patton gawped at Ethan, who had been staring at his phone throughout the whole conversation. Was he serious? No. This was probably some cruel trick. He wanted Patton to ask him so that he could say no and laugh at him.
“I didn’t think you’d actually want to do it.”
Ethan rolled his eyes. “Well obviously I don’t want to do it. Honestly, I can think of few things that would be less appealing. However, one of those things happens to be spending the week alone while these two-“he jerked his thumb at Roman and Virgil – “are off making out in some cabin.”
“Does that mean you’ll help me?” Patton wasn’t sure what he wanted the other to say. On one hand it would solve his current problem. On the other hand, an entire week alone with Ethan and his family sounded like a whole bunch of problems on its own.
Ethan hummed as if he was considering it. Did he really have to be so infuriatingly calm when Patton was clearly freaking out?
“Oh, Patton, I don’t know how I could accept such a brash proposal, I’m a man of very high standards.”
Oh goodness, he was practically purring. Calling his mum and coming clean almost seemed appealing. Almost.
“Listen E, if you’re just gonna be a dick-“
“No, Virgil, it’s okay!” Patton hurried to calm down his friend. He was grateful that Virge was so quick to defend him, but he really couldn’t afford to annoy Ethan right now. As much as Patton hated to admit it, he desperately needed the snake’s help.
He mustered his bestest, friendliest, smile.
“Ethan, would you come to my parent’s house with me and pretend to be my boyfriend for the course of one week?”
Ethan tilted his head. What more did he want?
“Um… pretty please? With cherries on top?”
The grin that followed was practically wolfish. “Oh, alright, I suppose I could take a week out of my incredibly busy schedule to help out my dear friend.”
Roman looked confused “You were literally just talking about how you had nothing to do because Virgil and I were going out of town-“
“I do not understand the nature of your request Patton. Why would you be offering Ethan fruit in exchange for_”
As the group fell into their usual messy chatter, Patton fell into his thoughts. Ethan had agreed to help him. He hadn’t thought that the snake was capable of doing things that he had nothing to gain from.
No, wait. That was mean. Just because he’d never seen Ethan behave selflessly didn’t mean he was incapable of it. Patton didn’t have any right to judge him. After all, a person was innocent until proven guilty and Ethan hadn’t done anything to suggest that he had ulterior motives for helping him.
Besides, he thought, eyeing the tall man lying, stretched out on the floor. Ethan was – objectively – a perfect candidate for a fake boyfriend. He was (objectively!) very handsome and Patton had been to enough parties with him present to know that he could be charming when he wanted to be. He was intelligent – maybe not in the same way Logan was, but intelligent nonetheless. Maybe the week would be alright. He just needed to keep an eye on his unlikely saviour.
…
Roman pounced the minute Logan and Patton left the apartment.
“What are you doing?”
“… I beg your pardon?”
“Don’t play innocent, you slippery serpent! Since when do you have a soul?”
Was he meant to dignify that with a response?
Virgil snorted, leaning into his exuberant boyfriend, who pulled him into his lap without even breaking his ridiculous tirade. How revolting precious.
“Roman’s asking you why you’ve decided to do something for once that helps another person and poses no benefit to you whatsoever.”
Ethan needed new roommates.
“Exactly! And for Patton? The two of you don’t even like each other!”
Ethan was definitely rolling his eyes at Roman’s antics. He was definitely not doing his best to avoid Virgil’s knowing smirk. Furthermore, he had no idea why Virgil was grinning at him right now either.
“Cool your jets, Princey.” The aforementioned emo turned to wrap his arms around Roman’s waist and kiss his cheek. (Did they have to do this in front of him?) Turning to grin smugly at Ethan in between kisses, he continued, “I can assure you that in this instance E’s motives are entirely selfish.”
…And new friends. Ethan needed new roommates and a new best friend.
“What exactly are you talking about, my Dark and Stormy Knight?” (what the fuck did that even mean??) “Do the two of you know something that I don’t?”
And it was high time for Ethan to retreat to his room. Jumping to his feet, he grinned at Roman.
“I assure you that there is a number of things that we know and you don’t my dear prince.” He pretended not to notice Virgil frowning at the nickname. It was what he deserved anyway. “Why don’t you sit here and think about it-“
“Excuse me? I am not about to sit here and be criticised-“
“-And I will go catch up on my beauty sleep.”
Safe in his room, Ethan collapsed on the bed. His motives weren’t entirely selfish. And even if they were, so what? He would be helping Patton either way. Quality time with the little blue-eyed angel was really the least he deserved for his troubles.
He sighed, rubbing his eyes. He was going soft. There was a time when he’d mocked Virgil for the very same thing, when the emo had first started hanging out with Patton. Then he’d actually met the guy and it was Virgil’s turn to make fun of him.
It wasn’t his fault the other had been so adorably wary of him the first time they met, eyeing Ethan like he thought he’d pounce or something. He grinned to himself as he remembered the way Patton had squeaked, actually squeaked when the little blond puffball had offered his hand for a handshake and Ethan had kissed it instead. After that, how could Ethan possibly hold back? It was just a game at first. Flirting with Patton, making fun of him. Anything to coax out those ridiculously cartoonish reactions. He hadn’t meant to develop feelings.
And of course, it didn’t help that the object of his affections still didn’t entirely like or trust him. Patton and he had had many a “civil discussion” about ‘helping others’ and ‘telling the truth even when it’s difficult’. They’d consisted mostly of Patton talking about morals and Ethan thinking about how a person could be cute and ridiculously obnoxious at the same time.
And yet, he mused, all the moralising lectures seemed to be working, did they not? No matter how much he rolled his eyes and scoffed, he couldn’t deny that hearing Patton’s earnest little voice in the back of his head did make him want to do the so-called ‘right thing’ more often, and even if he was only helping people because he had a stupid crush on the most strait laced boy on the planet, who cared? The old ladies made it across the street in one piece either way.
Not that he agreed with everything Patton said. The difference was that when Patton looked at him like he was the bad guy, Ethan actually cared. That was a new feeling, for him.
In other words, he had it bad.
He had never been more glad that Virgil was not a mind reader.
…speaking of Virgil, if the noises coming from the front room were any indication, he really needed to start looking for a new place to live.