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The world was moving too fast.
Tony's hands trembled as he gripped the steering wheel a little too tightly. He could feel the tips of his fingers going numb as his heart rate increased uncomfortably and his focus started to slip. The edges of his vision were darkening. All in an instant, his mind flickered to the nuke, heavy and dangerous in his arms. Don't drop it. The wormhole, looming large and cold. It will swallow you whole.
"But if I don't let it, it will swallow them whole."
No. No, no, no, no, no.
This was not happening again. He had been doing so well in the past few years.
Logically, he knew he was fine. I'm not fine, I'm not fine, I'm not fine. He was in his car, on the interstate, driving a route he had driven hundreds of times before. Get out, get out, get out, get out. And yet, these reassurances did little to quell the panic rising in his chest. The sun was too bright. The road was too glaring. I can't breathe, I can't breathe, I can't breathe. His breaths were now coming in short gasps as he tried to force his thoughts elsewhere, but is it getting hot in here? Tony reached over with numb, shaky fingers and twisted the dial for the air conditioner, the motion of the air across his skin suddenly tethering him back to reality. He shivered. Stupid, stupid, stupid. What did he normally do in these situations? Watch the road! Another short-lived wave of panic seized hold of him as he straightened the car a little, trying not to hug the center line so closely and clicked on the radio, knowing it would be a fifty-fifty shot. Sometimes music made him forget the dread, sometimes it made it worse.
"Play ACDC, you fools," Tony muttered under his breath.
Of course, the DJ did not listen to him as some pop song blared through the speakers. Tony took a shuddering breath, forcing himself to focus on the vibrations passing through the speakers, willing his heart to descend from his throat. His hands still trembled, but he felt more present, more here. He rubbed the spot on his chest where the arc reactor used to be. He felt too open, too vulnerable and wished he could just curl into a ball and close his eyes. The road sped beneath him.
Gosh, I feel so stupid.
He was only going 65 mph, for crying out loud! He had definitely clocked much faster speeds in the Iron Man suit, so why should this bother him? With another gasp, he pulled over onto the shoulder of the road so that he could stop, so that he could breathe.
"You're okay," Tony muttered, turning off the radio. "Pull yourself together."
The sound of his own voice and the stillness of the horizon helped to ground him again. He pressed his forehead into the backs of his hands, which refused to release their white-knuckled grip on the wheel and breathed.
A sudden noise nearly sent him over the edge again.
It was just his phone. The Star Wars theme blared. It was Peter. He hesitated before picking it up, but the need to not be alone finally won out.
Tony adjusted the volume of the ringtone to a manageable level, tried to will his heart to stop hammering in his throat, and hit the "answer call" button.
"Hey! It's my favorite young adult!" he quipped with forced cheeriness.
"Mr. Stark! You won't believe what happened on patrol today!"
"I'm sure you're going to tell me, and I'm sure I'm gonna believe it!"
There was a pause.
"Mr. Stark, are you alright?"
Tony silently cursed the kid's super-hearing. "Yeah, I'm alright! Just trying to focus on the road here! Lots of traffic!"
"I don't think I believe you. There are no engine noises or rushing wind sounds."
Tony rolled his eyes. "Props, Sherlock."
"Are you upset with me?" Peter sounded like he was trying to sound like he was joking, but was doing a very poor job at it. Tony silently cursed again. He softened his tone.
"No. I'm just stressed. Remember when I single-handedly took down Thaddeus Ross last month?"
"I recall you had some help from a late-night, no-charge editor, but go on."
"The sass is strong with this one!" Tony paused to chuckle at his own joke. Peter was laughing faintly on the other end of the line. "We finally settled on a semi-decent version of the Accords yesterday."
"That's great!" Peter exclaimed.
"Yeah, it is."
"But?"
"But, I also had a conversation with Captain Spangles and Company this morning... I'm actually on my way home from that."
"And?"
"We're going to try setting up operations again at the Compound. Y'know for old time's sake and all that sentimental crap."
"Wow. You sound enthused."
"Parker, if you back-sass me one more time, I swear!"
The line went quiet for a minute.
"Are you okay enough to drive the rest of the way home?"
Tony heard the concern behind the question. Are you going to freak out again if you get back on the road? He took a deep breath until he felt like his lungs would burst and turned the key to the ignition.
"I'm just thirty minutes out. I can make it." He slowly crept up to the edge of the right lane, waiting for an opening. He could feel his heartbeat in his fingertips again, but he continued to take deep breaths. He put the phone on speaker. "How 'bout you tell me what happened on patrol today?"
A small rush of adrenaline, and Tony was back on the highway.
"You there, Mr. Stark?"
"Yeah," he gasped. "I'm here. Just got back on the road. Please keep talking."
"As I was saying, you will not believe what Spider-Man did today!"
For the next twenty minutes, Peter kept up a constant stream of conversation. Tony learned all about the construction worker that Spider-Man had rescued from falling out of the window of an eight-story building, and about how he had later been invited to play basketball with a bunch of "really cool kids" (seriously, Mr. Stark- they were awesome!). The more they talked, the more grounded Tony felt in the here and now. All thoughts of wormholes, visions of death, and shadows from Siberia faded for the time being. Right now, he was on the road, driving past a gorgeous tree-line under the warmth of the August sun, talking with the disembodied voice of sunshine itself as he made his way towards home, towards Pepper. The thought made him smile. He hung up when he was about ten minutes out from the Compound so that he could concentrate on maneuvering the smaller roads.
"Alright, Mr. Stark," Peter said as their conversation was winding down. "Be good and don't do anything stupid without me."
"Me? Do something stupid? Never!"
"And seriously, if you ever need anything, just call."
Tony snorted. "I need some sanity, if you could pick some up at the sanity store before you come to the lab this weekend."
"Sanity from the sanity store- You got it, Mr. Stark!"
"Alright, kid. Shut up and let me drive."
"Loveyoutoo, bye!"
The call ended before he had the chance to respond. He laughed softly and pulled onto the exit ramp. When he pulled into the drive, he was relieved to see Pepper's car. It was a beautiful sight. Exhaustion weighed heavy on his mind as he stumbled out of his own car. Tony greeted his fiancée with a kiss. She looked tired too. He wondered how many frustrating people she had dealt with at work as her fingers traced the dark circles under his eyes.
"How'd it go?"
He shrugged. "As well as expected. How'd it go for you?"
She shrugged. "As well as expected."
"Can it be an ice cream before dinner kind of night?"
Pepper just laughed and started toward the kitchen. With an unexpected burst of energy, Tony ran after her.
"No, I'm serious! We can eat ice cream, I'll heat up the leftovers from yesterday, and then we can eat a different kind of ice cream to finish!"
"You're wound up all of the sudden!"
"Don't worry! Spider-kid said he'd bring me some sanity this weekend! Until then, ice cream is the only solution!"
"Uh-huh."