Work Text:
camelFace has joined the chat
camelFace: hey i was wondering if you guys could give me some help?
trappist1_: uhhhh it depends what do you need
camelFace: i’m doing a research project for uni on demonology historiography and i found something kinda funky. my friend said you guys tend to know a lot about a pretty big array of subjects when it comes to demons
trappist1_: oh! youre in luck i think jo was just here
johannesjohanna: ahahahaha yes im here and i can help you
are you a demonology student
camelFace: nah im actually getting a bs in computer science but i had an open time slot and the professor got great reviews
I’m jasper (h) by the way!
johannesjohanna: oh thats so cool! I’m Jo (t), ive got a phd in post-transcendental studies and most of my work is in the field of occult history, so you actually managed to come on the forum at the perfect time. Whats up?
camelFace: thank you so much! ok so i got sucked down a bit of a research rabbit hole for this final project thats like a survey of post-transcendental accounts of summonings
It’s not supposed to be super in-depth, i just got really into it
anyway my uni actually has a lot of really old demonology history books in the library (we’re kind of known for our MOS program at least here in the UK) and I went and got a bunch of scans
i’ve been kind of skimming through them cause they’re actually super interesting as primary sources in their own right, and i noticed that aside from linguistic differences they kind of all talk about various demons in the same way
like ‘oh yeah in 2432 guy mcbloke summoned Arania the Toothed and all hellfire rained down because Arania the Toothed likes toasting humans lightly before having a munch’
johannesjohanna: lol yeah that sounds like mid-millenium histories
camelFace: ikr its actually kind of funny
anyway the thing is i realized that there’s a major exception
theres one demon who is described in WILDLY different terms depending on the vague time period??? I think??? thats the only correlation i can find
johannesjohanna: alcor?
camelFace: yes! whats the deal with alcor??? literally the first thing our prof did on the first day of class was give us a list of the ten demons to NOT SUMMON UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE and he was Public Enemy Number One. cause of, you know, things like what happened last january.
but then im reading all these books from the late 2200s or the 2700s or whatever and theyre all like ‘yeah i summoned alcor one time and we binge-watched action flicks before he gave my daughter a magic puppy’
I mean not quite. but like. In demon terms, you know what i mean.
johannesjohanna: yeahhhh so thats a weird one
theres actually a lot of really interesting scholarship on this that i can recommend if you’re interested? My friend liese wrote a paper on alcor a few years back that can probably answer a lot of your questions
but the short of it is that alcor hasn’t always been the full-on fire and brimstone torture dude he is now
trappist1_: jo i dont wanna butt in but i gotta cause this is really interesting-- what about california??? that was pretty damn fire and brimstone!
camelFace: i’m gonna seem really dumb but i only just got into this stuff so uhhh what is california?
johannesjohanna: ohhhhh boy
trappist1_: oh god
gilgamesh has entered the chat
gilgamesh: oh boy oh god?
trappist1_: we caught ourselves a live one but now we have to explain california to him
gilgamesh: holy shit
camelFace: *waves* hello! I’m jasper! I dont know what california is and now im getting a little nervous about finding out!
gilgamesh: are you
like
in a sound enough emotional state right now that you can take some heavy shit?
camelFace: oh my god im freaking out just tell me or im gonna look it up
trappist1_: okay so you know the bit of northern mexico that juts into the ocean
camelFace: the californian archipelago?
OH
that california
what happened there with alcor?
johannesjohanna: very good question! historians are still trying to figure it out
trappist1_: uh…. long story short it wasn’t always an archipelago
camelFace: wh
what
gilgamesh: yeahhhhhh
johannesjohanna: estimates put the death toll anywhere from 40 million to 100 million if you count all of the tsunami and earthquake deaths
camelFace: …
johannesjohanna: yeah
camelFace: wait… is that what the incident of 2038 is?? cause ive seen that reference a few times but i hadn’t looked it up yet
gilgamesh: yeah thats the one
also im milner (t) its nice to see a new face on the feed!
trappist1_: yeah sorry its so quiet rn most of the regulars are asleep
and im feliciana (s)
camelFace: nice to meet you guys! thank you for being so welcoming.
johannesjohanna: anyway do you want the rundown on what Liese calls the Alcor Problem
camelFace: yes please
johannesjohanna: alright so the deal is that as far as anyone can tell alcor goes through phases. when the academics really get going over a pint or two we tend to sort them into categories: Hermit, Evil, Troll, and YFND (Your Friendly Neighbourhood Demon). you did NOT hear that from me because that is not appropriate scholarly lingo and while the folks across the pond might get away with calling Xiaxiarshar a “lovable scamp,” at least here in Hesse we would not get published if we got a rep for casual demon mockery.
trappist1_: who called xiaxiarshar a lovable scamp?
johannesjohanna: some Yale prof writing for the demonological journal of the pacific
trappist1_: oh that tracks
johannesjohanna: yeah
anyway
these moods seem to last centuries and are pretty self-explanatory-- although just a brief reminder that we are talking about what is ostensibly the most powerful creature operational today, so even the YFND mode is pretty sketchy by human standards of morality
gilgamesh: hey
johannesjohanna: ahhh im really sorry milner. by any societally acceptable standards of morality.
trappist1_: just a quick interjection cause i think it’s important-- if you havent read the rules yet jasper, this forum is a safe space for preters and hate speech will get you automatically banned. Just wanted to let you know.
camelFace: nah no worries im half vampire im not some fucken pro nat
gilgamesh: yoooo im not the only vamp here now?? I love this! youre my new best friend
camelFace: ahaha yesss
anyway jo what were you saying?
johannesjohanna: basically we can look at summoning records and other events throughout history and get a pretty good map of what phase alcor was in at the time. for a really long time (like...300 years) he was in Troll Mode but then for the last century or so he’s been sinking deeper and deeper into Evil Mode. hence the Do Not Summon At All Costs thing
camelFace: yikes
so what happens if you summon him?
johannesjohanna: at this point? you pretty much die. not necessarily right away, but like… i knew a colleague a while back at wittenberg who summoned alcor like two decades before i met him and made some kind of deal that he would never tell us. but whatever it was he was living in constant fear of the day that alcor would come to take his soul. the guy literally thought about nothing else, he was terrifying to be around. i was a postdoc at the time and i think knowing him really shaped how i see demons. I hadnt quite understood before that that they feed off of suffering and fear in a very literal way. It was almost a mercy that the dude finally died.
camelFace: what happened to him?
johannesjohanna: don’t know exactly. I can guess, though. I know a person who saw his body and trust me, you do not want me to describe it to you.
camelFace: jesus
johannesjohanna: yeah sorry for getting a little dark there
camelFace: i mean i kind of knew
like even i know about what happened back in january
gilgamesh: god that was so sad
johannesjohanna: let that be a lesson to never mess up your warding symbols
camelFace: oh is that what happened?
johannesjohanna: yup. bunch of north carolina college kids get drunk, aren’t paying attention to what they draw… presto. one frat house full of miscellaneous body parts coming up.
trappist1_: jo could you not
johannesjohanna: yeah sorry you tend to get kind of numb to this when you study demonology as long as i have :/
camelFace: okay ive got to sleep soon but ive got another quick question if you wouldnt mind?
johannesjohanna: go for it
camelFace: could you perform a digital summoning?
gilgamesh: what
camelFace: could you perform a digital summoning and summon the alcor virus instead of alcor?
johannesjohanna: hey slow down kid youre kinda freaking me out here
camelFace: just hypothetically
trappist1_: ive literally never heard of someone doing that
gilgamesh: why would you /want/ to summon the alcor virus
camelFace: well, if what jo is talking about is true then the alcor virus was probably created during a Troll period
johannesjohanna: oh god please for the love of christ do not use my inappropriately casual terminology in an actual serious fashion
camelFace: so if you wanted something from alcor but summoning would result in death then could you try to deal with the alcor virus instead?
trappist1_: okay leaving aside the obvious issues here, it’s not like the alcor virus was created by alcor
johannesjohanna: …
trappist1_: jo WHAT ARENT YOU SAYING
johannesjohanna: theres some very niche, very obscure scholarship that suggests it might have been
gilgamesh: what the fuck
johannesjohanna: its by no means an accepted theory but it does have its supporters and some of them are well respected scholars within the field
trappist1_: okay so first of all WHAT THE FUCK but second of all jasper its still a VIRUS not a DEMON
gilgamesh: and third of all please for the love of god don’t try to summon it
camelFace: im talking hypothetically
johannesjohanna: are you really
camelFace: yes!
johannesjohanna: really really
camelFace: YES
camelFace: but i was just thinking, if you absolutely had to summon a powerful demon, and you wanted to deal with an alcor who wasn’t quite as violent as he is currently-- could you do a digital summoning?
johannesjohanna: i don’t see how you could do that… you’d need a sacrifice and for the last hundred years or so alcor has only really responded to blood sacrifices
camelFace: well the goal is to not get alcor himself
or, you know, the goal would HYPOTHETICALLY be to not get alcor himself
gilgamesh: ...nice cover.
johannesjohanna: but what would you use as a sacrifice to fuel the virus
It’s a virus, not a demon itself
camelFace: are you sure? I’m a pretty good programmer, and i can tell you that viruses just...don’t behave like that
johannesjohanna: okay i don’t know anything about computers you’re going to have to extrapolate
camelFace: viruses shouldn’t be able to get into anything that doesn’t have a cpu
johannesjohanna: uhuh
camelFace: but there are records of the alcor virus taking over things like cars BEFORE cars were self-driving
johannesjohanna: you’re going to have to spell this out for me, i’m a technological illiterate
camelFace: i think the alcor virus makes a pretense of being purely technological, but if it were just a bunch of matrices, then it would not have been able to do a lot of the things it’s done across history
which means it has a magical sentience
and what’s the word for something that has no physical form, operates through only a limited sphere (ie summoning circles or, in this case, computers), and disobeys the laws of physics through magic?
gilgamesh: ...holy shit
johannesjohanna: but then what fuels it? demons all require fuel for their magic
camelFace: well, what fuels alcor?
that’s not a rhetorical question, i genuinely don’t know
trappist1_: blood? Candy bars when he’s in his YFND phase?
johannesjohanna: havoc
things not being the way they should
(and also blood)
camelFace: i rest my case
trappist1_: hey guys i know we’re safe until the folks on the other side of the pond wake up, but i’m not sure we should keep all this stuff on the forum
johannesjohanna: yeah. everyone delete all their previous messages, i’ll create a private chat and invite you all to join. No one discuss this with anyone else, understood?
trappist1_: thank you jo
trappist1_ has left the chat
camelFace: alright
camelFace has left the chat
gilgamesh: jo this is kind of freaking me out
johannesjohanna: yeah im starting to get concerned, genuinely
gilgamesh has left the chat
johannesjohanna has left the chat
johannesjohanna created the chat
johannesjohanna named the chat ‘Concerning Discussions’
johannesjohanna added trappist1_, gilgamesh, and camelFace
johannesjohanna: Alright, so first off, I’m going to put on my serious academic adult hat and tell you guys that I’m actually kind of scared about this. Jasper, you seem to have put a lot more thought into this than you implied at the beginning of our conversation.
gilgamesh has entered the chat
gilgamesh: oh no jo is using proper punctuation you know they’re mad
johannesjohanna: I’m not mad. I’m very, very worried.
camelFace and 1 other has entered the chat
camelFace: im not trying to cause trouble
johannesjohanna: Do you understand that this is very, very dangerous stuff to mess around with EVEN if you have years of demonology training?
camelFace: yes
johannesjohanna: so, honestly-- and there are no repercussions for being honest, it’s not illegal to summon a demon-- were you planning to try and summon alcor and/or the virus?
camelFace: it’s not what you think
gilgamesh: jesus feckin christ
camelFace: it’s not for me
it’s for my mum
she’s... not doing too well
trappist1_: oh god
johannesjohanna: i’m really sorry, jasper
but please listen to me when i say that there’s no happy ending to this if you summon a demon and make a deal
camelFace: i don’t care about getting out of it alive
I’ll sell my soul, i dont care
I just want to deal with a demon who will keep their end of the bargain without trickery or wordplay
I want to know that even if i die, mum will be fine
johannesjohanna: Jasper, I think you need to talk to a professional.
camelFace: i’m not depressed or suicidal, i promise
I really don’t want to die
But it’s worth it if she lives
trappist1_: are you, like, determined to do this or can we talk you out of it
gilgamesh: please let us talk you out of it
camelFace: either i summon the alcor virus or i summon a full-on demon
johannesjohanna: ….okay. Then at least I will try to help you get this as watertight as possible.
gilgamesh: i’m staying too. Vamps don’t abandon vamps.
trappist1_: tbh i really want to see your plan
johannesjohanna: run your plan by us, we can probably help reduce the danger factor by, like, 0.2%
camelFace: so i figured the digital equivalent of blood would be a file containing the things that could ruin my life if they were released online
I compressed all my most embarrassing data into this pdf:
(ugh it’s taking forever to send also please don’t peruse it too closely i just want to check if you think this counts)
<jaspersembarassingsecrets.pdf>
johannesjohanna: ...is that pornographic Raz McKhereghan fanfiction
camelFace: I SAID NOT TO LOOK TOO CLOSE
gilgamesh: yeah i think that should definitely count as a blood sacrifice :P
camelFace: and then heres the unicode summoning circle i drew:
I would love it if you could look over it and tell me if it looks alright
I really don’t have any demonology experience
<alcorsummoningcircle.pdf>
johannesjohanna: hold on i’ll take a look and get back to you in a sec
trappist1_: damn this is really well-drawn
camelFace: thanks! I guess?
anyway, my plan was to embed the secrets pdf inside the summoning circle one and then upload them to the web in a private browser
and 1 other has entered the chat
: Yeah, that looks like it should work.
trappist1_: uhhh jo i think the summoning circle fucked up your username cause from my end it doesnt look like you have one
johannesjohanna: ...that’s not me
: Alternatively, you could just upload both pdfs in the same private web directory.
gilgamesh: THATS NOT ME EITHER
: Which, it may be occurring to you, is exactly what you just did!
camelFace: oh god
: Close, I’ll give you another guess.
camelFace: are you the alcor virus?
: Getting hotter, try again.
camelFace: i
Uh
johannesjohanna: Are we talking to Alcor?
camelFace: oh god
: Bingo! How can I help you guys?
camelFace: This was an accident, I’m so sorry. I’m really sorry.
: Well, I’m here now, aren’t I? This was pretty inventive, actually. I’m impressed.
johannesjohanna: Why did that work? There was no blood!
trappist1_: jo stop please
: Oh, it worked exactly as you anticipated it would. You just forgot one little thing.
Come on, ask me what you forgot. Do you have no sense of drama?
camelFace: what did I forget?
: You forgot that Al-V reports to me.
Al-V_618: yo
camelFace: wait, so this actually worked to summon the Alcor Virus?
Al-V_618: sure did my dude
It worked so well i thought dad might like to take a look
: And I did!
So… Jasper Achebe, do you want to make a deal?
gilgamesh: don’t
gilgamesh has left the chat
gilgamesh has entered the chat
gilgamesh has left the chat
gilgamesh has entered the chat
gilgamesh: okay, yeah, i should have known that wasn’t going to work
camelFace: don’t worry, you guys, i’m okay with this
Yes, Alcor, I want to make a deal.
: Excellent! And I presume you’re looking for a cure for your mother?
camelFace: I want my mother to live until the age she would have lived without illness, with a quality of living that means that she considers life worth living. I want her to be healthy.
: And in return?
camelFace: You can send that pdf to all of my professors and potential employers?
Al-V_618: wait was i not supposed to have already done that
XD oops!
: Yeah, sorry, that cat’s already out of the bag.
camelFace: do you want my soul or my life?
: That sounds delicious, but why on earth would I want to rob the world of another 72 years of Jasper Achebe bringing nothing but chaos and disorder in whichever academic fields catch his fancy?
camelFace: I don’t know what else i can give you.
My youth? My health? My conscience?
: Now, that’s sounding a lot more like it.
trappist1_: please leave him alone, mr. alcor.
: I’m sorry?
johannesjohanna: He’s just a kid.
You used to like kids, according to some scholarship.
: Are you citing academic essays at ME?
johannesjohanna: I can if I need to.
Koenigsmann, L. “Evolution of Post-Transcendental Alcor Summonings and Implications for Demoniacal Character (orig. Entwicklung der Beschwörung nach transzendentalen Alcoren und Implikationen für den Dämonencharakter)”. Western European Occult Journal, Vol. 768 Issue 32, April 3134. Dämonologisches Tagebuch von Hessen, Vol. 87 Issue 14, February 3134.
There you go.
Al-V_618: wow, you really went and did that
camelFace: I appreciate it, Jo, but it’s okay.
johannesjohanna: If I don’t try and help a university kid down on his luck in my area of expertise, then all my scholarship is meaningless.
Al-V_618: oh no you guys he’s doing his crazy laugh ahahaha
oh boy he’s really getting into it
this is gonna be FUN
camelFace: Mr. Alcor?
Al-V_618: you know it’s funny cause you guys are actually right
...
oh no he’s stopped laughing. now he looks pensive
I think i made him pensive
fuck
: Jo Schulz?
johannesjohanna: ...yes?
: You’re alright.
johannesjohanna: Thank you?
Al-V_618: nooooo i kicked him out of his funk on accident
and it was such a good funk! It’s been ~217.6533 years and running of bloody murder!
: Okay, Jasper Achebe, I’ve got a deal for you.
camelFace: Yes?
: I’ll give you everything you want for your mother.
camelFace: And in return?
: I’m getting there. In return, you delete that summoning circle and never, ever tell anyone about this.
camelFace: Is that it?
: No I also want you to write a program to summon Xantharius the Corpsereaper repeatedly all over the world because he really pissed me off recently
camelFace: ...I can do that if you can guarantee Xantharius won’t trace it back to me.
Al-V_618: what do you take me for, a search engine?
: You’ll be safe on that front.
camelFace: Alright.
Um, how do we do this?
: Just hold on a sec, my hand should stick out from your computer screen soon. Just give me a handshake.
And there we go!
Pleasure doing business with you.
Also, you have a pop quiz in your Graphics class tomorrow.
camelFace: Thanks?
and 1 other has left the chat
trappist1_: holy shit
gilgamesh: jesus fucking christ
johannesjohanna: christus in diesem gottverdammten jammertal
gilgamesh: DID HIS HAND REALLY STICK OUT OF YOUR COMPUTER SCREEN
camelFace: YEAH AND IT WAS COVERED IN BLUE FIRE
johannesjohanna: i’m actually crying that was the most incredible thing i’ve ever witnessed
camelFace: jo i think you saved my life
johannesjohanna: oh god liese is going to FLIP HER SHIT when she finds out i cited her article in a chat with fucking ALCOR
camelFace: hey guys i did NOT intend for this conversation to result in actually summoning alcor but i want to say thank you
I’ll thank you guys again tomorrow but right now i have to call my mom
trappist1_: oh god yes please do
gilgamesh: and please let us know if she’s okay
camelFace: i will
camelFace has left the chat
trappist1_: jo are you ok?
johannesjohanna: yeah
I’m better than okay
That was incredible
trappist1_: jo i think you just gave a demon a crisis of conscience
johannesjohanna: i think it’s a little more complicated than that but
Jesus
I think the field of demonology has it all wrong when it comes to alcor
He has MORALS
Im certain of it
He might forget them for centuries, but he has them
gilgamesh: this is definitely a conversation to have tomorrow but right now i have to go scream into the shower
trappist1_: yeah same
johannesjohanna: im going to call liese
gilgamesh: good night, you guys.
trappist1_: congrats on not dying
johannesjohanna and 2 others have left the chat
It was 22:35 when Liese Koenigsmann got the call. She glared at the lockscreen for a moment before reluctantly clicking the answer button.
“What is it, Jo?” she said, awkwardly shuffling the frying pan with her left hand. “I know it’s late, but I’m making dinner, so if it could wait--”
There was a moment’s silence.
“I’m sorry,” said Liese Koenigsmann, dinner forgotten. “Could you repeat what you just said?”