Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

BlueLeaves: So. How was everyone’s first day back?

Helluv4xWay2G0: Fuck. Off.

Taylors-Machine: cmon, hella

Sound_Affects: Pretty good, blue! :)

Sound_Affects: I’m super excited for all of my classes!

CronchyBoi-69: nerd

CronchyBoi-69: mine was pretty alright I guess

Taylors-Machine: I had kind of a rough start in the morning. Got slightly better as the day went on.

BlueLeaves: Thats good!

Taylors-Machine: What about you, blue?

BlueLeaves: Um

BlueLeaves: It wasn’t really uh

BlueLeaves: It was a pretty bad day

Helluv4xWay2G0: Yeah

Helluv4xWay2G0: fuckin ditto

BlueLeaves: It just. It wasn’t a great morning, and then I got to school and things weren’t really that much better. And then they got worse. And then there was this whole giant misunderstanding with this person and

BlueLeaves: It hasn’t been a good time

Sound_Affects: Oh no! D:

CronchyBoi-69 shrugs

CronchyBoi-69: That’s just how it is on this bitch of an earth

Taylors-Machine: Do you want to talk about it?

Evan bit his lip. He leaned back in his chair debating the options. He considered how it had gotten to this point. He’d been encouraged to beta test a new chat room feature his school was working on last spring by his therapist, said it might be a good chance to make friends. Only the chat rooms were supposed to be anonymous, meaning it didn’t translate to real life friendship, only internet friendship. Which he did suppose was better than nothing, and these people were sort of his friends.

But in reality it was a little less than anonymous. They’d all agreed from day one that they wouldn’t try to figure out who each other were. And he never intended to find out; he barely knew anything about three of his chat mates. But the fourth he’d figured out.

Why did he have to attend that jazz band concert?

He just wanted to talk to Zoe Murphy, and he’d gotten his wish. Sort of. Because as he looked at the program, his eyes fell on one piece: Brass Machine by Mark Taylor. Taylor’s Machine. His breath hitched. He dismissed it as coincidence at first. The more he thought about it, he decided that maybe it was someone from jazz band, but odds were it wasn’t Zoe. After all, the machine was a brass machine, a trumpet. Maybe a trombone. But everything he knew about Taylor matched up with Zoe. The real clincher came when he remembered that Taylor had talked about wanting to learn another instrument because she’d learned guitar when she was younger. She only played guitar, if she was telling the truth.

But Taylor usually told the truth from what he could tell. And everything fit. It all made too much sense. He’d felt his heart beat faster, as if on the verge of an anxiety attack. He’d had to breathe deeply to prevent himself from bolting right then and there. And at intermission he’d quietly left and disappeared from the group chat for half a week. Cronch had teased him relentlessly when he came back, but even he had been a little concerned for Evan. Or, more accurately, concerned for “Blue.”

Back in the present, earlier that day he’d tried to talk to Zoe only to fall short, and Zoe’s brother, Connor, had taken a letter he’d written for therapy. A letter he’d written somewhat about Zoe. He needed to tell someone about it, and normally he’d tell the group chat about how he was feeling. Except Zoe was in the group chat. And there was no way he was telling her about this.

Taylors-Machine: Blue?

CronchyBoi-69: did he fucking ghost us again

BlueLeaves: No, sorry, just lost in thought.

BlueLeaves: I just had… a big misunderstanding with someone today.

BlueLeaves: Let’s leave it at that.

Taylors-Machine: fair enough

CronchyBoi-69: what about you hella? would our resident emo care to share

Helluv4xWay2G0: some people can be real assholes

Helluv4xWay2G0: including me

Helluv4xWay2G0: but at least I’m not a creep

Sound_Affects: Whoa, wait, what?

Sound_Affects: Are you okay?

Helluv4xWay2G0: im fine its just

Helluv4xWay2G0: nevermind

Sound_Affects: You’re sure?

Helluv4xWay2G0: sometimes i think im a terrible person but the world is shit too so that doesn’t matter

Helluv4xWay2G0: for once id like to be proven wrong

CronchyBoi-69: cheers to that

BlueLeaves: same here

Taylors-Machine: yep

Sound_Affects: I get that.

The door slammed. Another dumb argument with his parents that he was too sober for. He needed to get high or drunk. Maybe both.

“Fuck all of this,” he muttered, barely concealing his rage. He was so tired of being made to be the bad guy in a story he wanted no part in. He was tired of being the psycho older brother, or the pawn for his mother and father to get back at each other with. He was tired of everything. He could tell already, it was going to be one of those nights. Which was just as well, since he was planning on doing it around this time anyway. And who knew? Maybe third time would be a charm.

Before he could leave his room, he looked at his laptop, open to the chat page. He hesitated. He supposed it wouldn’t hurt to talk with the chat. Obviously they weren’t his friends or anything, as he constantly told them, but that didn’t mean they were completely terrible.

Helluv4xWay2G0: do you ever just get so fuckin tired of listening to your parents that you think “you know what, maybe i /will/ become a homeless dropout with no future just to spite you”

CronchyBoi-69: big mood

BlueLeaves: Parents are rough

Sound_Affects: Is everything okay hella?

Connor had become convinced that Sound_Affects was actually Alana Beck. She knew better than to reveal any personal details that would lead to her discovery, and had chosen an innocuous username that nobody would be able to guess. Except that Connor had worked with Alana on a project for Fuck Finn a while back, and he’d overheard her grandmother calling her “Alana-matopoeia,” which was definitely the strangest pet name he’d ever heard. When Alana had caught him staring she looked back and said “an onomatopoeia is like a sound effect word, and my name is Alana, so—” and he had quickly replied that he knew both of those things and shifted focus back to the stupid project. It just made sense; Sound_Affects had the same intelligent, bubbly energy as Alana. And she was always the first to offer help if a problem came up. Provided she noticed it.

Helluv4xWay2G0: no fx

Helluv4xWay2G0: not really

Helluv4xWay2G0: because my parents are terrible people and theyve passed the terrible gene onto me

Taylors-Machine: that’s rough, buddy

CronchyBoi-69: truly edifying, taylor

BlueLeaves: im sure you’re not that terrible?

BlueLeaves: THAT WAS NOT SUPPOSED TO HAVE A QUESTION MARK IM SO SORRY

CronchyBoi-69: way to go blue

Sound_Affects: You know cronch, if you’re just gonna criticize everyone else you can sit this convo out.

Sound_Affects: Seriously, Hella, are you doing okay?

He weighed the options in his mind. He couldn’t say it was fine, because it wasn’t. He couldn’t say nothing, because he was tired of saying nothing. And he definitely couldn’t tell them he was planning to kill himself. So what could he say?

Helluv4xWay2G0: have you ever wanted to just not fucking exist?

Taylors-Machine: basically every day of my life

BlueLeaves: yeah i sorta get that

Helluv4xWay2G0: usually when i feel that i just distract myself

Helluv4xWay2G0: usually with drugs or sometimes alcohol or sex if im lucky enough

Helluv4xWay2G0: it doesnt feel like i can do that tonight tho

Helluv4xWay2G0: im just so tired of existing and i dont know what to do

Taylors-Machine: ok this is going to sound so fucking corny

Taylors-Machine: but when i feel like that i just think of all the things i like and all the things i would miss out on if i didnt exist

Taylors-Machine: id never get to read my favorite book, or finish my current favorite tv show

Taylors-Machine: id never hear another song from my favorite band

Taylors-Machine: id never see another dog

Sound_Affects: OMG that’s so sad!

CronchyBoi-69: youd never see mcr get back together

BlueLeaves: seriously cronch? knock it off if ur just gonna be a jerk about it

CronchyBoi-69: i would never joke about mcr getting back together

Taylors-Machine: then it looks like we have two resident emos in the chat

CronchyBoi-69: dammit

CronchyBoi-69: my cover is blown

Sound_Affects: I’d never get to wear my favorite outfit again :c

BlueLeaves: id miss the sound of leaves crunching under my feet

Sound_Affects: LOL Blue!

Taylors-Machine: ive tried the whole visualizing a better future thing

Taylors-Machine: cant do it, doesnt work

Taylors-Machine: you cant focus on the bigger joys that come eventually

Taylors-Machine: you have to focus on the smaller joys that happen now, every day

Helluv4xWay2G0: well i would definitely miss drugs

Sound_Affects: I’m not sure we should be encouraging this, but if that lifts your spirits then sure!

Sound_Affects: Just please be safe while using

Helluv4xWay2G0: okay mom ill be sure to be super safe while using drugs

Sound_Affects: You know what I mean, Hella.

Taylors-Machine: did that help in anyway h?

Helluv4xWay2G0: weirdly yeah it did

Helluv4xWay2G0: thanks

Helluv4xWay2G0: you just helped a lot more than you know

Helluv4xWay2G0: speaking of tv shows has anybody else been keeping up with the good place?

Sound_Affects: YES!

CronchyBoi-69: such a good plot twist last episode

BlueLeaves: Ive been meaning to get into it?

Zoe sighed, carefully listening out into the hallway. Her brother wasn’t sneaking into the bathroom to grab his pills. He wasn’t shuffling around his room to find something to use as a rope. He was just typing away at his computer. She’d managed to prevent Connor’s third suicide attempt, and right now that was the best she could do for him. She quickly rejoined chat to make it seem like she was still paying attention.

Taylors-Machine: come on, blue, jump on it, or everyone’s just gonna spoil it for you

BlueLeaves: youre right, youre right. I’ll check it out.

CronchyBoi-69: I could set up a virtual watch party sometime this weekend.

Sound_Affects: That sounds awesome! Would Saturday afternoon work for everyone?

BlueLeaves: sure

Taylors-Machine: Count me in!

CronchyBoi-69: I’ll set it up

Helluv4xWay2G0: sounds good. i’ll be there.

CronchyBoi-69: i dont understand other people

Helluv4xWay2G0: bitch same

Taylors-Machine: I feel that

CronchyBoi-69: or maybe i just dont know how to talk to them

Jared normally wasn’t one to get serious and deep in the group chat, but today had been so weird. Evan had apparently been too chicken shit to try and get the letter back from Connor, so Jared had resolved to read it for himself whatever way he could. He’d asked Connor about it, but Connor just looked confused as if he didn’t remember it. When he felt around for it in his pocket, he got wide eyed and stared at it for a second. As Jared had waited with anticipation, Connor had shoved it at him, forcefully telling him to take it and tell nobody about the letter.

Jared returned to Evan, letter in hand, and returned it, gloating only slightly in the process and barely mocking him at all. Evan had snatched the letter back as quick as he could, ripping it up and scattering the shreds in his locker. Jared at least expected a “thank you” for his help, but Evan just muttered something under his breath and quickly scurried off to his next class. And that would be fine, he didn’t particularly care about Evan or hang out with him.

BlueLeaves: How do you mean?

Except Evan was in his stupid group chat.

Evan’s username was incredibly stupid. Sure, it was so generic that it could be anybody’s username, but if one actually knew Evan, they knew it could only be him. Luckily for Evan, it seemed most people, including the rest of the chat, did not know him. Which didn’t help Jared narrow down any of their identities, so he was just stuck there with Evan and three strangers.

CronchyBoi-69: its just sometimes i imagine a conversation going one way in my head, or i expect the way someone will react to something i do, and then that doesnt happen

Sound_Affects: Isn’t that just, like,

Sound_Affects: How life works?

CronchyBoi-69: gee, thanks fx, super helpful

Sound_Affects: Sorry, I just meant that I feel that way all the time. I just kinda assumed everyone does.

BlueLeaves: yeah, same here

Taylors-Machine: Is there something you wanna talk about cronch?

CronchyBoi-69 shrugs

CronchyBoi-69: idk

CronchyBoi-69: sometimes i think im a bad person

CronchyBoi-69: wait

CronchyBoi-69: thats not right

CronchyBoi-69: what i mean is i think im bad at /being/ a person

CronchyBoi-69: like everyone attended how to be a person class in second grade but i was sick that week

BlueLeaves: yeah, i get that

BlueLeaves: im really bad at reacting to things like a person

Jared scoffed. No kidding. At least he had the decency to admit it.

Helluv4xWay2G0: if it makes you feel any better cronch

Helluv4xWay2G0: i think everyones bad at being a person

Helluv4xWay2G0: some people are just better at hiding it

Alana knew she was probably wrong to be looking for the other members of her group chat. They’d all agreed at the beginning that it was better kept anonymous, but after nearly 6 months, she had to know. Surely, they’d want to know who she was, right?

Unfortunately, it seemed everybody had chosen pretty rock solid usernames, and they were all pretty sparing with their personal details. She hadn’t been able to figure out much about them, save for personalities and a few key insights, like the fact that everyone was a senior except Taylor, who was a junior. But key observation had revealed the identity of one of the supposed strangers. It turned out CronchyBoi-69 was actually (somewhat unsurprisingly) Jared Kleinman. She didn’t actually know him all that well, but she’d been able to piece together that Cronch was Jewish from his word choice and anecdotes about his Bar Mitzvah. The pool of Jewish guys who were seniors was not long, and Jared was the only one on the list who would conceivably use “69” in a username that was probably being monitored by the school.

She wanted to know who they were. They would want to know who she was. She was doing the right thing by trying to figure them out, right? Then why did her stomach feel like it had tied itself into a knot?

She knew she shouldn’t message, but in truth, she didn’t have anyone else to talk to. She was always just on the outside looking in.

Sound_Affects: Do any of you guys have experience dealing with guilt?

Taylors-Machine: What do you mean, fx?

Alana always smiled a bit at the fact that they’d shortened her username to fx. It felt special to her, something her grandmother would’ve come up with. She missed her grandmother a lot.

Helluv4xWay2G0: yep

Helluv4xWay2G0: every day pretty much

BlueLeaves: Depends on what you mean I guess?

Sound_Affects: Like from telling a lie or keeping a secret.

Sound_Affects: There’s this huge ache right in the pit of my stomach and it’s felt pretty constant recently, and I don’t know what to do about it.

CronchyBoi-69: oh yeah

CronchyBoi-69: i feel that way all the time

CronchyBoi-69: it doesnt exactly get better but after some time you do get used to it.

Knowing that Cronch was Jared had been a surreal experience. Yes, he mostly used the group chat as a place to share memes, but sometimes he actually had insight into a problem. Mostly it just added another dimension to the wannabe class clown she knew in real life; it humanized Jared.

BlueLeaves: but if it’s a secret or a lie, wouldn’t it be better to fess up and get rid of the stomach ache?

CronchyBoi-69: not always a viable option blue

CronchyBoi-69: like what if telling the truth would hurt somebody in the process?

CronchyBoi-69: then ur still achy and feel bad but the guilt isnt from hiding its from action so now its not just a thing u feel but absolutely /your fault/

Taylors-Machine: but hiding a secret can often feel like the same thing, so at that point what does it matter?

Helluv4xWay2G0: secrets are secret for a reason Taylor

Helluv4xWay2G0: if they were meant to be known they would be

BlueLeaves: How bad is this secret FX?

Sound_Affects: I can’t tell tbh

Sound_Affects: It’s not that I did something bad or someone else did something bad

Sound_Affects: Or that I know something bad about anybody.

Sound_Affects: I just figured something out that I shouldn’t know

Sound_Affects: Something kind of personal

CronchyBoi-69: dude thats totally not your fault

CronchyBoi-69: u have no obligation to tell anyone and u prolly shouldnt

CronchyBoi-69: i dont know if its ur fault u figured it out

CronchyBoi-69: (idk maybe fx is snoopin lmao)

CronchyBoi-69: but the info itself is not ur fault

CronchyBoi-69: and even if the how u found it is ur fault, its what u do with the information that matters

CronchyBoi-69: and personally i cant see u doing anything with information if u knew it would harm somebody

How was Jared Kleinman the most insightful person in her group chat right now? How? She just wanted to know how. Because as much as she wanted to, she could never tell them she was looking for them. And she definitely couldn’t tell Jared she’d figured him out. Because she didn’t want to hurt them.

Sound_Affects: You’re right. Thanks for the help, Cronch! C:

CronchyBoi-69: hey what else am i here for?

Helluv4xWay2G0: memes

Taylors-Machine: the memes?

BlueLeaves: Yeah I was gonna say the memes.

CronchyBoi-69: fuck all yall

CronchyBoi-69: actually there is a meme i need to show you

Taylors-Machine: right on cue.

Evan wondered what the odds were of being placed in the same chat room with Zoe Murphy. Zoe wondered the odds of being placed in the same chat room as her brother, and Jared wondered about those same odds of Evan. Connor wondered what the odds were of not getting paired with even one other stoner. But Alana was less interested in the probability of individuals and more interested with the probability of knowledge and loops.

What were the odds that she was the only one who had figured out another’s identity? What were the odds that everyone had figured out her identity? It was mathematical questions like these that calmed her down in stressful moments. But one interesting question led her down an interesting path, mathematically speaking. What were the odds that each of them knew the identity of just one other individual in the chat? And what are the odds that the individuals they knew would form a loop? How many unique loops between five points could one get? Compared to the criteria of five one sided relationships between two people, it had to be pretty low. As she tried to calculate the possibility and others, only one question didn’t occur to her, the one with the most definite answer.

What were the odds that somebody would get hurt by this knowledge?

Chapter Text

Helluv4xWay2G0: heyyyyyyyyy

Helluv4xWay2G0: whats good yall

Sound_Affects: ...You okay there, Hella?

Taylors-Machine: i can almost guarantee he’s high.

BlueLeaves: uh, no offense or anything, but, like, is there any reason you’re messaging us?

Helluv4xWay2G0: ?????????

Helluv4xWay2G0: yoru my froends????????????

CronchyBoi-69: that

CronchyBoi-69: that doesnt sound like hella

Helluv4xWay2G0: fuck u cronchhh

Helluv4xWay2G0: you act so detached but you car about us u jsut wanna petend u dint

CronchyBoi-69: u cant prove that

Taylors-Machine: i take it back he might actually be drunk

Helluv4xWay2G0: both is goooooood ;)

Sound_Affects: I have literally never seen you use an emoticon.

Sound_Affects: Seriously, are you okay?

Helluv4xWay2G0: god, fx, what r u my mom?

Helluv4xWay2G0: im FINE.

Helluv4xWay2G0: F

Helluv4xWay2G0: I

Helluv4xWay2G0: N

Helluv4xWay2G0: D

Helluv4xWay2G0: just feelin real mellow

Taylors-Machine: dude make sure you’re drinking water. And like eating something stable. That is also not drugs. Also dont do anything else

Taylors-Machine: Being crossfaded can really mess with you if you’re not careful

CronchyBoi-69: ok y do u know so much abt this tay?

CronchyBoi-69: ur sayin hes under some kind of influence and no offence but i doubt u know from personal experience

Taylors-Machine: well, yes and no.

Taylors-Machine: there’s

Taylors-Machine: there’s this guy I know

Taylors-Machine: Thats into this kind of thing

Taylors-Machine: its kinda one of the reasons we’re not close anymore

Taylors-Machine: and he always says hes fine and tells me its nothing to worry about so i pretend its nothing but its not fucking nothing

Taylors-Machine: and even tho we’re not that close I still wanna, you know, make sure he’s okay.

Taylors-Machine: But he goes off and does shit like… well, like Hella’s doing right now

Helluv4xWay2G0 :(

Taylors-Machine: Sorry, hella, I didnt mean anything by it

Taylors-Machine: l dunno. I just worry about him.

It wasn’t hard for Evan to read between the lines here. Taylor was Zoe. Zoe’s “friend” was her own brother. So Hella being in chat high/drunk was probably not easy territory for her. He considered this for a second. He’d never really seen Zoe and Connor interact in public. What little he did know painted an… interesting picture. But at the same time, he was her brother. Surely they weren’t at each other’s throats all the time. Right?

BlueLeaves: Not to be, like, that person but like

BlueLeaves: have you tried talking to him about it?

Taylors-Machine: i cant exactly be direct in our relationship at this point

Sound_Affects: Hella, what do you think?

Helluv4xWay2G0: idfk

Helluv4xWay2G0: i probably wouldnt react well to somebody telling not to do it

CronchyBoi-69: but what if your friends were to say that it concerned them and they just wanna make sure ur safe?

Helluv4xWay2G0: what friends?

Helluv4xWay2G0: i dont have those

Helluv4xWay2G0: prolly bc they told me not to do drugs

CronchyBoi-69: u just said we were your friends

CronchyBoi-69: my bad, your “froends”

Sound_Affects: So you refuse to be friends with people because they want you to get better?

Helluv4xWay2G0: no its

Helluv4xWay2G0: look im just

Helluv4xWay2G0: i dont like ppl tellin mr ehat to do

Zoe considered this for a second. In all her time… dealing with Connor, she wondered if she’d ever stopped and actually considered his point of view. She understood the impulse, she didn’t like being told what to do by her parents either. But the way she saw it, there was a difference between “clean your room right now,” and “stop doing these self-destructive habits that hurt you and those around you.”

But maybe Connor saw it differently. Maybe Connor saw it as “stop doing the only thing that brings you peace.” Maybe she would have to find a different tactic if she wanted to help her brother.

Taylors-Machine: That’s valid.

Taylors-Machine: Hella, I don’t mean to sound like a dick or anything with this question, I’m genuinely curious

Taylors-Machine: Do you have any hobbies outside of doing drugs?

Taylors-Machine: It’s just kind of occurred to me that that’s pretty much the only thing I know you do.

Helluv4xWay2G0: uhhhhhhhhhhhhghhhhhhhhhhhh

Helluv4xWay2G0: books

Helluv4xWay2G0: i read books sometimes.

Sound_Affects: !!!!

CronchyBoi-69: hear that fx? We got another bookworm

Sound_Affects: What kinds of books?

Helluv4xWay2G0: idfk

Helluv4xWay2G0: books wit pages adn leters

Sound_Affects: Quick, favorite book.

Helluv4xWay2G0: uhhh

Helluv4xWay2G0: idk

Helluv4xWay2G0: off the top of my head

Helluv4xWay2G0: i used to like ender’s game

Helluv4xWay2G0: then i realizdd that the author was a fuckin assshole

Helluv4xWay2G0: i didnt hate great gatsby

Sound_Affects: OMG!!! We should start a book club!

CronchyBoi-69: i think tf not

BlueLeaves: I don’t think I have time to read books not for school

Sound_Affects: COME ON IT WOULD BE SO FUN!!!!!!!

CronchyBoi-69: whoa there capslock

Connor chuckled. He didn’t think he’d seen Alana this genuinely excited for… anything. Ever. And that was saying something. She was kind of a funny character the more he thought about it.

That being said, he was not joining a fucking book club with his online friends.

Taylors-Machine: Maybe we could help you focus on things you like doing that are not drugs

Sound_Affects: Like forming a book club!

Taylors-Machine: Sure, that or like

Taylors-Machine: Maybe something more like

Taylors-Machine: Giving book recommendations when you feel like doing drugs?

Helluv4xWay2G0: wut.

CronchyBoi-69: taylor

CronchyBoi-69: thats fucking stupid

Taylors-Machine: i realized as soon as i typed it.

Taylors-Machine: I’m just trying to

Taylors-Machine: I’m trying to ask like

Taylors-Machine: Is there something we can do to help you?

Helluv4xWay2G0: r u trying to get me to quit?

Zoe thought about this for just a moment too long. Why was this question so hard to answer?

Taylors-Machine: I’ll admit, it’s not fun to log into you like… this

Taylors-Machine: and I do worry about you. Maybe more than I should.

Taylors-Machine: But no. I’m not trying to make you quit unless that’s something you want to do.

Taylors-Machine: I guess I’m just trying to ask if there’s anything we can do to like

Taylors-Machine: Make you want to do drugs less?

Taylors-Machine: Idk. sorry if that’s weird and moralistic. I dont mean it to be

Sound_Affects: Hella?

BlueLeaves: Maybe they left

CronchyBoi-69: yeah no kidding

CronchyBoi-69: taylor just in here bein

CronchyBoi-69: little miss moral crusade

BlueLeaves: Cronch.

Taylors-Machine: No, he’s right

Taylors-Machine: I shouldn’t have said anything

Taylors-Machine: I should’ve realized I was just going to fuck it up.

Zoe sighed, placing her face in her hands as her friends (okay, mostly Blue and FX) insisted on the contrary, but she knew the truth. She was so completely out of her depth that she couldn’t relate to Connor in the slightest bit. She wondered if she should just log off too. Then suddenly–

Helluv4xWay2G0: its nice tat u care

Helluv4xWay2G0: even if ur bad at expresin it

Connor smiled a goofy smile. He was sure tomorrow he’d feel differently. But for now it was kind of sweet how much Taylor seemed to care about him.

Come to think of it, it was kind of nice that this was unexpected. That these people had gotten to know him while he was sober. They had seen arguably his roughest edges and still liked him.

Or maybe that nice feeling was the weed. Who knew at this point?

Helluv4xWay2G0: and ist nice that ur trying

Helluv4xWay2G0: even if u have nooooooo iddea what ur doig

Helluv4xWay2G0: i can try to come into chat like this less since its clearly a sore subject

Taylors-Machine: I’m not trying to change you

Helluv4xWay2G0: i know

Taylors-Machine: I just care about you and not to sound like your mom but I do worry. I don’t want you to get hurt

Taylors-Machine: Me being uncomfy shouldn’t convince you to stop

Helluv4xWay2G0: i know that to

Helluv4xWay2G0: but maybe ive beenn a lil fast n loos elately

Helluv4xWay2G0: and i don like making u uncomfy :/

Helluv4xWay2G0: i can try

Helluv4xWay2G0: cant promose

Helluv4xWay2G0: but I can try

CronchyBoi-69: u can’t even spell promise lmaooooooo

Sound_Affects: Why do you insist on ruining good moments Cronch?

Helluv4xWay2G0: eh

Helluv4xWay2G0: what else is he good for?

Helluv4xWay2G0: oh right

BlueLeaves: memes

Sound_Affects: Memes?

Helluv4xWay2G0: MEMES

CronchyBoi-69: FUCK

Taylors-Machine: The mémés, of course

CronchyBoi-69: ALL OF U

Taylors-Machine: …

Taylors-Machine: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

CronchyBoi-69: …okay fine here’s the meme of the day

Helluv4xWay2G0: :)

CronchyBoi-69: still not used to u using emoticons

It hadn’t been one thing, Evan had realized as he lay in bed. It hadn’t been the fact that he didn’t get any sleep the previous night. It hadn’t been seeing Connor first thing in the morning. It hadn’t been nearly bowling over Alana (that was her name, wasn’t it?) in his hasty retreat from him. It hadn’t been being singled out for a question he didn’t have the answer to. It hadn’t been seeing Zoe at lunch, distant yet completely present and realizing how poetic and false that imagery had been. It hadn’t been Jared mocking him for looking a little too long at her. It hadn’t been the mundanity of being trapped in school, and his mom having to work late again.

It had been none of those things. And it had been all of them.

His mind circled around lunch. The only bright spot of his day (as bittersweet as it was). Zoe. She was there, living and breathing and real and in front of him. He was so close to her and yet an entire world apart. His waking life was a purgatory he had no hope of escaping from, and yet escape was right there. If he could only talk to her, things would be better, he just knew it. If he could just befriend her, or admit his feelings for her, if he could be with her and hold her hand and kiss her and–

“Why?!” He sat up with a start as he asked this to the empty room. Why was he so convinced a girl could solve all of his problems? Yes, Zoe was pretty and nice and insanely cooler than him. And yes, maybe if any of those things happened he would feel slightly happier. But she was just a girl. And he was just a boy way in over his head. She couldn’t fix him. Even if she could, why on Earth would she even want to? He had already befriended her in a way, and he wasn’t any happier.

And that gave him a thought.

He looked at his phone, sitting on the charger. Half of him wanted to bare his entire soul, half of him wanted to throw the phone away to prevent it. Though he sat still, his mind was engaged in a furious debate over whether he should say anything to the chat, or whether that was the stupidest idea that would lead to everything he had built falling apart.

Eventually, he had been won out with the realization that he didn’t have to tell anybody about the specifics of his feelings. He could leave names out of it entirely. He grabbed his phone, opened up the app, and began typing.

BlueLeaves: Where’s the line between a crush and an obsession?

It took everything in Jared’s power to not reply “you passed it five miles ago.”

Taylors-Machine: wdym?

Evan took a deep breath to steel himself before continuing.

BlueLeaves: So

BlueLeaves: Okay

BlueLeaves: There’s this girl that I’ve been crushing on

Sound_Affects: What’s her name?

Sound_Affects: Maybe we could arrange a meet-cute!

Helluv4xWay2G0: 1. how on earth would we do that?

Helluv4xWay2G0: 2. that would be a huge invasion of blue’s privacy if we could

Helluv4xWay2G0: like imagine if he tells us who and we’re able to figure out who he is because of that

CronchyBoi-69: or if she’s in the chat with him

Jared figured he was allowed to have a little fun tormenting Evan with that idea.

Evan figured that horrific truth was the best excuse he was gonna get to not say.

Taylors-Machine: Y’all.

Taylors-Machine: Go on, Blue. You’ve been crushing on this girl.

Evan wondered how Zoe was always so considerate. Then he berated himself for thinking that.

BlueLeaves: Yeah

BlueLeaves: I’ve been crushing on her for

BlueLeaves: a while

BlueLeaves: much longer than I’m comfortable admitting

BlueLeaves: and I was thinking of her today

CronchyBoi-69: right, with one hand down your pants

Sound_Affects: Cronch!

Taylors-Machine: What the actual fuck my dude

BlueLeaves: No!

BlueLeaves: Not like that!

Sound_Affects: That is not okay.

CronchyBoi-69: its a joke guys

CronchyBoi-69: its what i do

CronchyBoi-69: jeez.

CronchyBoi-69: isnt that why you guys like me

Helluv4xWay2G0: i like you better when you can read the room

CronchyBoi-69: whatever

CronchyBoi-69: blue, go on

BlueLeaves: No, I was just like. Thinking about her

BlueLeaves: Like more abstractly I guess?

BlueLeaves: And just imagining like

BlueLeaves: I dunno

BlueLeaves: Like if we were together, everything would be okay

BlueLeaves: Like she would fix things

BlueLeaves: But i’m starting to realize, why do i think that?

BlueLeaves: Why do I think that anything would change if we were together?

BlueLeaves: Why do I think my life would feel any different, like I wouldn’t feel like this, if I could just talk to her?

BlueLeaves: Hell, I do talk to her! Sometimes! And I still don’t feel different.

Helluv4xWay2G0: what do you feel like?

BlueLeaves: i feel

BlueLeaves: like

Taylors-Machine: take your time.

BlueLeaves: I feel broken.

Jared scoffed out loud. This was ridiculous.

CronchyBoi-69: ur not broken, blue

BlueLeaves: I am

BlueLeaves: Something is not right with me

BlueLeaves: You could ask anybody who actually knows me, and they’d agree

BlueLeaves: I feel angry and confused and

BlueLeaves: Sad

BlueLeaves: So sad

BlueLeaves: All the goddamn time

As someone who did actually know Evan, this was news to Jared. Sad? Evan was many things, but sad would not have even occurred to Jared.

BlueLeaves: I’m broken and I’m convinced she could fix me

BlueLeaves: I literally fucking fantasize about it all the time

BlueLeaves: And I have no evidence for this belief

BlueLeaves: So why do I still believe it?

BlueLeaves: Where is the line between a crush and obsession

BlueLeaves: Because I’ve put her on a pedestal that she never asked for

BlueLeaves: And I’ve made her responsible for this mess that I am

BlueLeaves: but she can’t change it. She cant fix it

BlueLeaves: she can’t fix how sad I am all the time

BlueLeaves: she cant fix what i tried to do

BlueLeaves: she cant fix who i am

Taylors-Machine: It doesn’t sound like you’ve made her responsible

Taylors-Machine: Especially if ur not that close

Taylors-Machine: the pedestal thing is… not great, tbh but i think we all get carried away like that sometimes

Sound_Affects: Blue…

Sound_Affects: What did you try to do?

Evan stopped.

BlueLeaves: what?

Sound_Affects: > BlueLeaves: she cant fix what i tried to do

Sound_Affects: You messaged that just a few seconds ago.

Sound_Affects: What did you try to do?

Shit. Shit, shit, shit. He’d gotten so caught up in his thoughts, he just let that slip out. He didn’t even remember typing that among the flurry of messages he left. But maybe he could still get out of this, brush it off.

BlueLeaves: nothing

BlueLeaves: it doesn’t matter, and my crush had nothing to do with it anyway

Sound_Affects: Blue.

Alana was not about to brush this off. This sounded serious, whatever it was. And whether or not she knew who he actually was, Blue was still her friend. She needed to make sure he was okay.

Sound_Affects: You know you can tell us anything, right?

CronchyBoi-69: dangerous precedent to set imo

Connor was not sure why he was so mad Cronch today, but Jesus, the dude was really pressing all his buttons.

Helluv4xWay2G0: seriously cronch what the fuck is wrong with you today

CronchyBoi-69: What????

CronchyBoi-69: I’m just saying “anything” is perhaps overly permissive

Jared was having a hard time taking any of this seriously. So sue him for not wanting to hear about Evan’s crush on Zoe for the millionth time.

CronchyBoi-69: Like im pretty sure none of us want to say “tell us anything” and then they confess to a murder

Taylors-Machine: Nobody in here is a murderer Cronch

Helluv4xWay2G0: oh but cronch has got me seriously considering it

Helluv4xWay2G0: if i could just find out who he is

Taylors-Machine: Hella, that’s enough

Taylors-Machine: Take a breath

CronchyBoi-69: Yeah, jeez

Taylors-Machine: Don’t act like you’re not part of the problem here Cronch

Taylors-Machine: You’ve been acting weird and catty this whole time

Taylors-Machine: And while we’re here, FX, it’s not cool for you to push something that Blue clearly DOES NOT WANT TO PUSH

Taylors-Machine: You’re all acting so awful and for what?

Zoe took a breath. She didn’t mean to get worked up in calling everyone out.

Taylors-Machine: I’m sorry. I went off a little hard there.

Taylors-Machine: But we’re all friends.

Taylors-Machine: And being friends

Taylors-Machine: (being good friends at least)

Taylors-Machine: means putting aside our own ego sometimes.

Taylors-Machine: It means recognizing that there is a time for jokes and a time for seriousness, and making the choice to engage properly, or not at all, CRONCH

Taylors-Machine: It means not pushing people who don’t want to be pushed, FX

Taylors-Machine: It means voicing your frustration productively instead of threatening murder, HELLA.

Taylors-Machine: And yeah, being a friend means telling each other things and being able to tell each other anything (within reason)

Taylors-Machine: It just sucks because I feel like none of us are being good friends right now.

Taylors-Machine: To Blue or to each other.

How could she do that, Evan wondered. How could she simplify all their behavior into such a succinct explanation, while also taking responsibility for her own faults? How on Earth had she learned that?

And why hadn’t he learned that?

Helluv4xWay2G0: i dont actually wanna kill u cronch

Helluv4xWay2G0: even if ur being annoying rn

Sound_Affects: I’m sorry I pushed.

Sound_Affects: I just worry.

BlueLeaves: Okay maybe

BlueLeaves: Maybe it’s not that it doesn’t matter

BlueLeaves: The thing I don’t wanna talk about

BlueLeaves: It’s just… past now

BlueLeaves: And it’s not fun to talk about

BlueLeaves: And…

BlueLeaves: I’ve never actually admitted it to anyone

Sound_Affects: Well, not to push, but that’s all I was trying to say.

Sound_Affects: You could tell us.

Sound_Affects: If you wanted.

Sound_Affects: Because Taylor’s right, we’re your friends.

BlueLeaves: I’m not sure you still would be

BlueLeaves: If i told you

Taylors-Machine: Blue…

BlueLeaves: Okay, it’s not really like that

BlueLeaves: It’s just

BlueLeaves: You would see me differently.

Jared highly doubted that.

BlueLeaves: You would treat me differently

BlueLeaves: And I don’t know what I’d do with that

Taylors-Machine: Blue, do you really think that little of us?

BlueLeaves: No

BlueLeaves: It’s how I think of me

BlueLeaves: Of what I tried to do.

Helluv4xWay2G0: blue

Helluv4xWay2G0: it would be fine

BlueLeaves: How would you know?

Connor had no idea why he was about to do what he was about to do. But the words had already been sent before he could second-guess himself.

Helluv4xWay2G0: because i’ve tried to kill myself before

Helluv4xWay2G0: and i think you have too

The words hung heavy amongst all five of them. None of them knew what to say.

He hoped he was right. That none of them would see him differently. That Alana wouldn’t see him differently. He cared about her too much at this point to have their relationship change.

Helluv4xWay2G0: am i right?

Taylors-Machine: Blue, you don’t have to answer that

BlueLeaves: yes

BlueLeaves: you’re right

What? What was Evan talking about? He was making no sense to Jared.

Helluv4xWay2G0: I’ve actually attempted twice.

Helluv4xWay2G0: Almost tried a third.

BlueLeaves: What stopped you?

Zoe held her breath.

Helluv4xWay2G0: i dunno

Helluv4xWay2G0: sudden burst of hope i guess

Helluv4xWay2G0: havent thought abt it since

Helluv4xWay2G0: i just hate feeling so fucked up

Helluv4xWay2G0: figured it would be easier to just. stop.

BlueLeaves: …it was just before school started

BlueLeaves: chat had been silent for a while bc people were away

BlueLeaves: i was lonely.

BlueLeaves: and so tired of being who i was

BlueLeaves: Nobody suspected anything. It looked like an accident.

BlueLeaves: And that’s what I told people.

Jared’s mind broke, what could Evan possibly be referring–

“You fell? Like an acorn?”

No, it didn’t make– Evan wasn’t– If he didn’t fall then he must have– but why–

BlueLeaves: Look, I promise I don’t feel that way right now.

BlueLeaves: There’s no reason to worry about me

BlueLeaves: But at the same time, my life hasn’t really changed

BlueLeaves: I’m still just the same person

BlueLeaves: No friends

BlueLeaves: and projecting impossible expectations on a girl who doesn’t know I exist

Sound_Affects: Four friends.

Sound_Affects: You have four friends.

Evan cracked a small smile.

Connor did too. They probably didn’t deserve Alana. At least he didn’t.

BlueLeaves: I guess you’re right

BlueLeaves: uh. Sorry i killed the mood

Helluv4xWay2G0: nah that was me

Helluv4xWay2G0: note to self: suicide makes people sad

Taylors-Machine: Are you trying to crack a joke about your attempts?

Helluv4xWay2G0: no

Helluv4xWay2G0: i’m cracking a joke about mentioning my attempts

Helluv4xWay2G0: like maybe i shouldn’t do it at a kids bday party or something

Sound_Affects: Hella!!!!

Helluv4xWay2G0: is it working taylor

Helluv4xWay2G0: are u laughing

Zoe couldn’t help but chuckle.

Helluv4xWay2G0: i bet ur laughing rn

Taylors-Machine: Never.

Sound_Affects: I know the real world may not always be great, but we’re always here for you, Blue.

BlueLeaves: thanks

Helluv4xWay2G0: except maybe cronch. he just dipped out of nowhere

CronchyBoi-69: im here.

CronchyBoi-69: just. Not sure what to say.

CronchyBoi-69: im not good with heavy stuff

CronchyBoi-69: im sorry blue

CronchyBoi-69: and everyone else

CronchyBoi-69: for whatever its worth my life would be a lot worse without u

CronchyBoi-69: blue

CronchyBoi-69: and hella

CronchyBoi-69: all of you

CronchyBoi-69: my life would suck without you

Taylors-Machine: 🤨

Taylors-Machine: Kelly Clarkson?

CronchyBoi-69: nope. sincerity

CronchyBoi-69: an attempt, anyway

CronchyBoi-69: im no good at it. clearly.

CronchyBoi-69: i’ll just shut up now

Sound_Affects: Cronch.

Jared closed his laptop. He didn’t want to read anymore. He had nothing productive to add anyway.

Just a lot to think about, you know, with Evan Hansen admitting to trying to kill himself.

Zoe knew better than to go to the group chat after an argument with her brother. She always took the time to sort her feelings out, take a few deep breaths, and see if her anger was even warranted. Even then, she tried to be as vague and even-handed as possible.

Based on the upscroll in the chat today, her brother did not follow the same post-argument procedure.

Helluv4xWay2G0: i hate my fucking family.

Sound_Affects: I’m sure you don’t mean that.

BlueLeaves: What happened Hella?

Helluv4xWay2G0: i do fx

Helluv4xWay2G0: they’re all so holier-than-thou

Helluv4xWay2G0: barely hiding their disdain for me

Helluv4xWay2G0: and then going in with their “i just wanna talk about this like adults” as if they didn’t start this shit

The shit in question that Zoe had apparently started was listening to music on her headphones slightly too loud. Connor had reacted by yelling about how impossible it was to concentrate when she did that.

She had thought taking a breath and talking about it would be the mature thing.

Clearly, she had been wrong.

Helluv4xWay2G0: and then when i call them on their shit, they say im overreacting

Helluv4xWay2G0: like no, im reacting the way any normal person would in this fucked up family

Except Zoe was also in this fucked up family and she wasn’t reacting like this. She wasn’t yelling at the top of her lungs to be heard. She wasn’t ripping up his notebooks. She wasn’t punching holes in his walls.

BlueLeaves: I might not be the best person to comfort

BlueLeaves: Don’t really have much family to argue with

Sound_Affects: I know about pretending to be perfect. And that does suck.

Helluv4xWay2G0: I don’t need an answer. I just need to vent.

Well, Zoe needed to vent too. But it’s not like she could call him out directly.

But damn it, she did deserve to share her side of the story to her friends.

Taylors-Machine: I think I’m kind of the opposite?

Taylors-Machine: Like I have trouble with my family too.

Helluv4xWay2G0: welcome to the shitty club

Taylors-Machine: but it’s more like. I guess I don’t feel like I’m being listened to.

Sound_Affects: How so, Taylor?

Zoe was treading dangerously close to giving too much away, or worse, turning Hella against her. She had to be careful.

Taylors-Machine: My family doesn’t really talk about things.

Taylors-Machine: As a result, nobody’s particularly good at conflict management in my family.

Taylors-Machine: So we walk on eggshells around each other constantly

Taylors-Machine: and we still fail.

Taylors-Machine: and I can’t even react in that situation. I just shut down.

BlueLeaves: How do you mean?

Zoe smiled. It was nice to have Blue in the chat, someone just willing to listen when things got bad.

Taylors-Machine: Well I can’t react. I just know it won’t end well.

Taylors-Machine: Sometimes I take a second to collect myself and try to broach it again

Taylors-Machine: Naturally, that also doesn’t go well.

BlueLeaves: I actually do get that. Trying to bring something up later but its just.

BlueLeaves: Bad.

Taylors-Machine: Yep.

Sound_Affects: But why exactly can’t you just say something?

Sound_Affects: Take the breath, sure, but just confront it in the moment?

Zoe hoped she wouldn’t regret typing this.

Taylors-Machine: Because I know I can’t form a reasonable or coherent thought when I feel like my life is actually in danger.

BlueLeaves: Whoa, what?!

Sound_Affects: If you actually feel like that, it might be worth getting the authorities involved.

BlueLeaves: Has your family been threatening you?

Helluv4xWay2G0: i will hurt whoever is fucking with you.

Zoe supposed it was kind of sweet that Connor thought he was willing to do that.

Taylors-Machine: Hella. Do you see the irony there?

Taylors-Machine: Blue, it’s kinda complicated. It has happened in the past but not recently.

Taylors-Machine: And no authorities, FX.

Taylors-Machine: Like I said, it’s complicated. I don’t want my family hurt.

Taylors-Machine: I have actually felt in fear of my life inside my own home because of my family. But despite all that I don’t want to hurt them back.

Taylors-Machine: Because I love them.

Taylors-Machine: I just wanna feel like they love me back

Taylors-Machine: I wanna feel like they listen to me

Taylors-Machine: I want one of them to say sorry to me for once, you know?

Taylors-Machine: I can’t remember the last time I heard anyone in my family other than me even say the word sorry.

Taylors-Machine: Like, what, do they think saying sorry is showing weakness? Do they really think they’ve always reacted 100% correctly? Do they think that if we just let it pass it won’t matter that they don’t say it?

Taylors-Machine: What is it about saying one five letter word that makes it impossible for them?

BlueLeaves: Well. What does sorry mean to you?

Zoe almost felt like crying. It felt so good to get this out. And it meant so much that Blue was listening, and asking the right questions. It felt like no one else in her life did that right now.

Evan figured the best thing he could do for Zoe is listen to her. Clearly, she’d been through a lot with Connor.

Connor figured he should hear Taylor out, even if some of the stuff she was saying rubbed him the wrong way. She had useful insights before.

Taylors-Machine: Sorry is an invitation

Taylors-Machine: An extended hand

Taylors-Machine: Sorry is “I fucked up this time. But you mean more to me than whatever part of me fucked up.”

Taylors-Machine: Sorry is “I was wrong, and you deserve to know that I know, and that I regret what happened.”

Taylors-Machine: Sorry is “I love you. That’s more important to me than why I did what I did earlier.”

Taylors-Machine: And I’m tired of my family thinking I’m not worthy of a “sorry.”

“Hey.” Zoe jumped at the voice. She hadn’t noticed Connor opening the door.

She slammed her laptop shut, grateful he definitely couldn’t see what she had been doing from this angle.

“Connor,” she said quickly, rubbing her eyes with her sleeve in case any tears had gotten out. “You scared me.”

Connor lingered in the doorway, uncomfortable. Finally he said, “I didn’t mean to.”

The air hung heavy between the two of them.

“What is it?” Zoe said, trying to hide the fear in her voice even now.

Connor sighed. “I realized that maybe, perhaps, yelling at you earlier may have been a slight overreaction, as you had said.”

Zoe blinked. “Okay.” Was this some kind of trap?

“And I. Prolly shouldn’t have done that.”

Zoe nodded cautiously. “Probably.”

Connor took a few deep breaths, waiting in the doorway. Zoe was on the brink of asking him something, anything to cut the silence, when he spoke again.

“I’m sorry.”

Zoe didn’t know how to feel about this. How had “Taylor” succeeded where she had failed?

“That’s okay,” she said quickly.

“Is it?” Connor asked. And it seemed sincere.

She didn’t know how to respond. Almost against her will her head shook.

“No,” she said quietly. “But give it some time.”

Connor nodded. He walked out of the room, closing the door behind him. Zoe let out a breath she hadn’t known she was holding in.

After taking a moment to process what had just happened, she opened her laptop again.

BlueLeaves: You are.

Sound_Affects: Blue’s right. You are worthy of sorry, and I’M sorry your family doesn’t see that.

BlueLeaves: You’re a wonderful friend and I hope your family realizes you’re worth more than any petty argument.

Sound_Affects: I wish I could do more to help.

Sound_Affects: You mean so much to us, Taylor. Don’t forget that.

BlueLeaves: God I wish family wasn’t so hard.

Sound_Affects: It shouldn’t be!

BlueLeaves: Right???

BlueLeaves: Like it’s just the people that you spend most of your time with, how hard could it be to talk to them?

Sound_Affects: Turns out it’s hard!

BlueLeaves: So hard!

Sound_Affects: And for what?

BlueLeaves: For what!

BlueLeaves: The day I figure out how to talk to my family I take my final form.

BlueLeaves: hey do you think we scared the others off?

Taylors-Machine: Agh!

Taylors-Machine: No, you didn’t, just had to help a friend with some homework.

Taylors-Machine: If anything I prolly scared Hella off, hijacking his conversation to make it about me :/

Helluv4xWay2G0: you didn’t hijack it. i was done.

Helluv4xWay2G0: and it’s possible I was talking in anger earlier

Helluv4xWay2G0: i don’t hate my family

Helluv4xWay2G0: but i don’t know how to tell them that when theres this huge gulf between us

Helluv4xWay2G0: i think taylor helped me figure out the right direction tho

Helluv4xWay2G0: so thanks. for real

Zoe smiled. Maybe things would be okay for once.

But Alana still had one concern.

Sound_Affects: Sorry to change the subject,

Sound_Affects: But has anybody else realized Cronch hasn’t given us the daily meme for like the past four days?

Sound_Affects: I’m starting to get worried about him.

The reason Cronch hadn’t sent a daily meme in over six days was he had decided to take a step back from the group chat.

Or rather, Jared had decided to take a step back from Evan.

After the bombshell that Evan's fall from the tree was no accident, Jared realized he needed to… well, maybe he couldn’t help Evan, but he could certainly do his best to not make the situation worse. So he decided maybe it was better to leave Evan alone for now, try to figure out a less jerk-y method of interacting with him. He hadn’t even done the whole car insurance routine this week.

However, not talking to Evan had left him feeling weird. More specifically, it had left him feeling lonely. Which was fucking strange because why would that be the case?

And that’s about when Jared realized maybe figuring out this whole thing was more about figuring out his own shit than trying to solve Evan’s shit.

So Jared had spent the past week or so introspecting. He ignored Evan when he passed him in the halls, he pretty much shut his brain off except for assignments and to figure out what the deal– his deal– with Evan was. Why he treated Evan the way he did. Why not treating Evan the way he did made him lonely. Why he even bothered with Evan in the first place.

Now, it was 2:00 in the morning, he was lying awake in bed, and all of these thoughts had led him to one inevitable slap in the face of a conclusion. A conclusion he really, really, did not want to be true.

But it’s not like he could talk to anyone about this. His camp friends would almost certainly make fun of him. He was not explaining a single fucking thing to his parents until he was making enough money to pay his own car insurance. And as he’d discovered, he didn’t really have anybody else in his life that he talked to about anything, much less this.

He rolled over and saw his phone on the nightstand.

Okay, maybe that wasn’t entirely true. Maybe there were four people that he could talk to.

The problem, as always, was Evan being in the fucking chat room. No, that settled it, he couldn’t tell the chat.

He rolled over, trying to ignore the looming specter of his phone. He tried shutting his eyes tight. They couldn’t seem to stay closed. His leg twitched. He tried rolling over on his side. Then his stomach. Neither were comfortable. A shiver shot up his spine. He tried his other side, only to be greeted with the damn phone again.

He paused. Technically, Evan didn’t know they were in the chat room together. As far as Evan was concerned, Jared was Cronch. Blue and Cronch had a decidedly different relationship than Evan and Jared. Similar shades, but different.

And he obviously wasn’t going to tell them specifics. Plus, it’s not like any of them would be up this late. So. Maybe it would all be okay?

Jared actually doubted that but he felt like if he didn’t say anything he would fucking explode. He grabbed the phone.

CronchyBoi-69: Hey.

Four bedrooms lit up with an alert none of the inhabitants would’ve expected.

CronchyBoi-69: sorry I disappeared for a bit there

CronchyBoi-69: was working thru some shit

CronchyBoi-69: and i think. i need to talk to yall about something

CronchyBoi-69: “talk”

CronchyBoi-69: thank god youre all asleep

Sound_Affects: CRONCH!

Helluv4xWay2G0: hey ur alive

BlueLeaves: Oh thank god I was worried

Sound_Affects: WE MISSED YOU!

Taylors-Machine: It’s good to hear from you dude

Jared sighed.

CronchyBoi-69: so much for you all being asleep

Helluv4xWay2G0: u think we sleep?

Helluv4xWay2G0: thats adorable

Taylors-Machine: “adorable”?

CronchyBoi-69: who are u and what have u done with hella

Helluv4xWay2G0: im soft tonight

Helluv4xWay2G0: not every night u hear from a friend u thought was dead

CronchyBoi-69: im sorry,,,,

CronchyBoi-69: you thought i was DEAD??????

Helluv4xWay2G0: kinda yeah lmao

Though Connor would never admit it, he was also relieved. He knew bad shit could happen to anyone at random. Or maybe not at random.

BlueLeaves: I mean. We were worried.

Taylors-Machine: I figured you were fine. still nice to know :)

Sound_Affects: We would’ve heard if something happened to someone from school. That doesn’t mean we didn’t worry about you.

In truth, Alana had been keeping track of Jared throughout the week, making sure he was going to class, and he had seemed normal. A little quiet, but normal.

Still, she had missed hearing from him as Cronch and was glad he was still willing to talk to them

CronchyBoi-69: im FINE

CronchyBoi-69: ok well

CronchyBoi-69: im not dead at least

CronchyBoi-69: just going thru a bit of a tailspin

CronchyBoi-69: that i now have to talk to you about

CronchyBoi-69: fuck

BlueLeaves: Cronch, you don’t have to if you dont want to.

BlueLeaves: You know that right?

How was Evan reassuring him making this harder?

Not Evan, Jared reminded himself. Blue. Right now they weren’t Jared and Evan. They were Cronch and Blue.

CronchyBoi-69: i think i do tho

CronchyBoi-69: which sucks

CronchyBoi-69: but it’s better than the alternative

Taylors-Machine: Cronch, you have the floor.

Jared took a breath. He was really doing this

CronchyBoi-69: where tf to start

CronchyBoi-69: ok

CronchyBoi-69: so

CronchyBoi-69: there’s this guy

CronchyBoi-69: without going into too much detail, our relationship is complicated

CronchyBoi-69: like. the kind of thing where we’ve known each other for a while.

CronchyBoi-69: long enough for things to change

CronchyBoi-69: and like

CronchyBoi-69: i thought i understood what was going on

CronchyBoi-69: but recently things like. really changed.

Helluv4xWay2G0: wut does this hav to do with y u ghosted us for a week

CronchyBoi-69: well my dumbass actions the last time i was in chat helped me realize something about myself:

CronchyBoi-69: im a dick

Helluv4xWay2G0: …and this is news to u?

CronchyBoi-69: well like i knew i could be abrasive

CronchyBoi-69: but i always thought it was like “haha so funny and charismatic the way he calls it like it is” territory

CronchyBoi-69: which. kinda became impossible to keep believing after what happened in chat

CronchyBoi-69: and i realized im an actual fucking dick

BlueLeaves: I dont think you’re a dick

CronchyBoi-69: no blue, i am

Taylors-Machine: it's good that you’re recognizing your screwup but dont beat yourself up so much

CronchyBoi-69: look i need to get through this so can i just

CronchyBoi-69: Please.

Jared waited a moment.

Sound_Affects: Go ahead, Cronch. We’ll hold off until you're done with what you need to say.

CronchyBoi-69: okay.

CronchyBoi-69: anyway that whole thing led me to realize my relationship with this guy in my real life was, surprise, me being a huge dick to him

CronchyBoi-69: but it was. more.

CronchyBoi-69: like a lot more.

CronchyBoi-69: and i couldnt figure out why

CronchyBoi-69: so i just spent this whole week interrogating myself

CronchyBoi-69: about everything with this guy

CronchyBoi-69: why i do what i do, why i try to provoke specific reactions, why even not being near him makes the relationship complicated

CronchyBoi-69: and i came to a conclusion that. i dont want to be true

CronchyBoi-69: for his sake as much as mine

CronchyBoi-69: but i think

One last breath. He had to tell them or he never would.

CronchyBoi-69: i think i like him

CronchyBoi-69: like, LIKE him

CronchyBoi-69: i think im gay.

CronchyBoi-69: and specifically have a thing for this guy with whom i have (and i cannot stress this enough) THE most complicated relationship with

Jared waited for them to respond. And kept waiting. And waiting. Why was no one responding?

And then he realized that was pretty obvious. FX had told him they would wait until he was done.

He really did not deserve these people.

CronchyBoi-69: So. That’s the thing i had to say

CronchyBoi-69: feel free to react however you see fit

Sound_Affects: Well, firstly, thank you for explaining why you were gone. I hope you weren’t worried we’d see you differently because of this. Because we don’t.

Taylors-Machine: Why do you say gay? Why not bi?

Taylors-Machine: Also dittoing FX.

CronchyBoi-69: i dont know. i just get the sense i dont actually like girls?

CronchyBoi-69: maybe this is something ive known for a while but just. Repressed?

CronchyBoi-69: idfk i just get the feeling

BlueLeaves: Thirding FX

BlueLeaves: Listen, I know how much of a hypocrite I’m being here

BlueLeaves: But have you thought about just. Telling him?

He had. That’s why he was doing this.

CronchyBoi-69: no point

CronchyBoi-69: he’s straight

Taylors-Machine: what makes you so sure?

Taylors-Machine: Lots of ppl are queer.

CronchyBoi-69: bc i know him

CronchyBoi-69: literally right now one of the few things we talk about is his huge crush on this girl at school

Sound_Affects: wait this is somebody from school?

“Oh, fuck!” Jared whispered to himself. That had been the one thing he hadn’t meant to tell them. Then again, it wasn’t like anyone knew who he was.

CronchyBoi-69: shit

CronchyBoi-69: yeah. he goes to school with us

Alana racked her brain, thinking of anyone Jared could be talking about. Maybe she could help somehow, feel out the vibes and–

CronchyBoi-69: but im obviously not going to tell you who

CronchyBoi-69: i mean. that could give you a clue to who i am

She stopped herself. Her brain had been running almost on autopilot. Jared couldn’t know she knew. She couldn’t do anything to help him at this point. And that was probably for the best.

Probably.

CronchyBoi-69: thats all i can tell u abt him at this point

CronchyBoi-69: he goes to school with us

CronchyBoi-69: hes straight

CronchyBoi-69: i have a huge crush on him

CronchyBoi-69: and god i wish i didnt

CronchyBoi-69: it would make everything so much easier

BlueLeaves: I know that feeling

BlueLeaves: Wait did we scare off Hella?

Taylors-Machine: He prolly just went to sleep

Helluv4xWay2G0: nah just dont have much to say

Helluv4xWay2G0: tho im glad im not the only one in this chat

Sound_Affects: What do you mean “not the only one?”

Helluv4xWay2G0: yall know im bi right

Zoe’s eyes popped out of her head.

Taylors-Machine: ?????????

CronchyBoi-69: what.

BlueLeaves: No.

BlueLeaves: No we did not know that youre bi.

Sound_Affects: You have never mentioned this to us.

Helluv4xWay2G0: yeah like ive dated dudes b4

Taylors-Machine: ?????????????????

Helluv4xWay2G0: ok miss moral crusade

Taylors-Machine: Oh come on you don’t actually believe i’m homophobic do you?

Taylors-Machine: It’s just this has never come up and now you’re acting like we all should’ve known this whole time.

Taylors-Machine: I just feel thrown for a loop is all.

CronchyBoi-69: yeah weirdly i agree with taylor that u acting like this shouldve been obvious to us is bizarre

CronchyBoi-69: esp when u tell us almost nothing about urself

Helluv4xWay2G0: huh

Helluv4xWay2G0: i guess i just thought i gave off a vibe

Helluv4xWay2G0: maybe its subtler than i thought

Helluv4xWay2G0: my point is welcome to the club cronch

Helluv4xWay2G0: ur not the only one

Helluv4xWay2G0: and figuring it out is the hardest part

CronchyBoi-69: god i wish that were true

CronchyBoi-69: i just wish i could stop thinking about him

BlueLeaves: well. Welcome to a different, much shitter, club

BlueLeaves: at least we’re in it together

They weren’t though. Not really. Because they weren’t Cronch and Blue, they were Jared and Evan and Jared wasn’t sure anything would be right between them ever again.

But for now it was nice to pretend.

CronchyBoi-69: thanks blue.

CronchyBoi-69: thanks to all of u actually

CronchyBoi-69: for being chill and willing to listen

CronchyBoi-69: i should prolly get to sleep now

CronchyBoi-69: actually for that matter u all should too

CronchyBoi-69: come to think of it what the hell were u all doing up?

Taylors-Machine: hw

Helluv4xWay2G0: video games

Sound_Affects: I was planning my schedule for the week

BlueLeaves: i just couldnt sleep

Yeah. Jared got that one.

CronchyBoi-69: go to SLEEP

CronchyBoi-69: all of u

Taylors-Machine: not until u share the daily meme

CronchyBoi-69: it is 2:30 in the fucking morning u think i have memes????

Helluv4xWay2G0: memes

Taylors-Machine: memes!

BlueLeaves: MEMES

Taylors-Machine: MEMES!

BlueLeaves: Give us the memes!

Sound_Affects: You’ve missed six days, I think we’re owed some memes.

Helluv4xWay2G0: MEMES

Taylors-Machine: MEMES!

BlueLeaves: MEMES! MEMES!

Jared laughed. God his friends were idiots.

CronchyBoi-69: okay FINE

CronchyBoi-69: i will share the memes if you’re all that desperate

Taylors-Machine: we are!

Helluv4xWay2G0: so fucking desperate dude

CronchyBoi-69: whatever shuts you up

CronchyBoi-69: and THEN you’ll go tf to sleep?

BlueLeaves: …sure :)

Sound_Affects: That seems fair.

Helluv4xWay2G0: i make no such promise

Taylors-Machine: Wait have yall heard Samuel L Jackson reading Go The Fuck To Sleep?

Taylors-Machine: its classic

Alana thought she was doing the right thing. Probably.

Okay, so she didn’t have the strongest conviction in her actions right now. Yes, this was incredibly risky, and would likely get her in trouble she couldn’t get out of if she wasn’t careful. That’s why she’d thought about it for like two days before deciding to do it.

But right now she was doing nothing. She couldn’t do anything about most of the things in her life right now. But with this, she could do something.

She looked around. The coast was clear. The entire thing was done in less than three seconds.

She took a haltering breath. She tried to convince herself she had done the right thing here. Doing something– anything– was surely better than doing nothing. Right?

Even if it wasn’t, she was ready to deal with that.

Jared lethargically leaned his forehead against his locker. He did not want to be in school today.

Despite everything that had happened in chat a few days ago, he was still lonely as hell. His only friends lived inside his phone, and he still had no idea how on earth to approach his only real life friend. If he was too sincere, Evan would think he was making fun of him, but he couldn’t go back to how things were before either. The answer had to lie somewhere in the middle, but for the life of him, Jared could not figure out where in the middle it lied.

He was definitely not leading with the fact that he had a crush on Evan, that was for damn sure. As far as he was concerned, nobody in his real life needed to know he was gay at all, not for a good long while.

He sighed, resigning himself to the fate of getting through the rest of the day, and opened his locker.

The envelope inside was a shock.

“What the…?”

For a moment, Jared thought it might be a mistake, but sure enough his name was written on the front in blue ink. He took it out of the locker, cautiously looking around as if hoping to find some clue in the people around him. There was something stiff inside, stiffer than paper, feeling the outline he could tell it was a plastic card of some kind.

He opened the envelope and pulled out the contents: a Dunkin’ Donuts gift card and a small piece of paper with the same ink and writing as the envelope.

Hope this will help you feel a little better.

- Someone who cares

This was too weird. Someone who cared? About him? And how did they know he was going through a bad time? He didn’t even talk to anybody, much less–

Unless it was the not talking that had tipped them off.

He walked over to Evan’s locker with haste, sure enough the boy was grabbing his books at this very moment.

“Hey,” Jared said.

Evan jumped, stumbling into his locker a little bit. Clearly he had been lost in his own world.

“Jared. Hey.”

Jared held up the envelope.

“Do you know anything about this?”

Evan stared at the envelope for a moment. He slowly shook his head.

“No, I don’t. Handwriting’s not mine.” He knew Evan was telling the truth, he wouldn’t have been able to lie so cooly.

So who was it?

“Jared,” Evan said, wringing his hands, “can we talk?”

“Not now,” Jared replied, distracted. “I gotta get ready for class.” And more importantly figure out what was going on and who was behind it. He didn’t hear Evan call out to him as he hurried back to his locker to grab his books.

Yes, on the face of it the gesture seemed nice, but Jared was waiting for the other shoe to drop. He knew it would, it always did. This was some weird joke or something, trying to get him to let his guard down. But he wouldn’t.

He nearly bolted out of his chair in fifth period when he realized he already had. He had told four people about how he was feeling.

The second Jared got home, he raced up to his room, slammed the door, and opened up the chat on his computer.

CronchyBoi-69: Which one of you fuckers was it.

Taylors-Machine: Real aggressive energy Cronch

Taylors-Machine: My day was fine, thanks for asking.

CronchyBoi-69: I didnt

Helluv4xWay2G0: not doing a great job at not being a dick

CronchyBoi-69: Ive earned it this time.

CronchyBoi-69: because I know it was one of you.

Sound_Affects: What are you talking about?

BlueLeaves: yeah if I’m being accused I’d at least like to know what I’m being of.

CronchyBoi-69: one of you is lying, because one of you knows EXACTLY what you did.

Taylors-Machine: Cronch. buddy.

Taylors-Machine: we have no clue what the actual fuck you’re talking about.

Helluv4xWay2G0: yeah assuming ur right abt 1 of us lying

Helluv4xWay2G0: or whatever tf ur going on about

Helluv4xWay2G0: that means 3 of us genuinely have no clue

Jared couldn’t say too much. He’d revealed his hand to Evan– to Blue– earlier. If he told them exactly what happened, Evan would figure out he was Cronch, and it wouldn’t be long until Evan figured out the rest of it.

And he could not let Evan figure out the rest of it.

CronchyBoi-69: One of you knows who I am.

BlueLeaves: What?

Helluv4xWay2G0: i doubt it

Sound_Affects: What makes you so sure?

CronchyBoi-69: bc you four are the only people i told

Taylors-Machine: Wait, is somebody trying to out you?

CronchyBoi-69: no

Taylors-Machine: what did they do then?

Taylors-Machine: why are you so sure it’s us?

Jared had not anticipated this problem: the thing that had been done was actually surprisingly nice. So, in describing it, he would sound fucking insane.

CronchyBoi-69: they just. They know.

CronchyBoi-69: they know things are rough for me now

CronchyBoi-69: and they made sure I know they know

Helluv4xWay2G0: not to b captain obvious but couldnt anyone figure out things are bad just by looking at u?

Helluv4xWay2G0: like ur friends?

CronchyBoi-69: get real hella

CronchyBoi-69: u think i have friends?

Sound_Affects: Considering you’ve mentioned them before, yes.

CronchyBoi-69: would any of us be as active in this chat if we had actual friends to bother with our problems?

BlueLeaves: That’s

BlueLeaves: That’s kind of mean, Cronch.

CronchyBoi-69: thats not a denial though

CronchyBoi-69: so I’m asking you, one more time. as my friends.

CronchyBoi-69: which one of you knows?

Taylors-Machine: you don’t think its even a little possible its somebody else?

Taylors-Machine: like, you haven’t even told us what they did.

Sound_Affects: It was me.

Alana’s fingers were shaking. What had she just done?

BlueLeaves: What?

Sound_Affects: I figured out who Cronch is.

Sound_Affects: I wasn’t trying to let him know I knew.

CronchyBoi-69: Then what in the goddamn fuck were you trying to do?

Sound_Affects: Something nice.

Taylors-Machine: Fx are you serious?

Taylors-Machine: You figured out who Cronch is?

CronchyBoi-69: THANK YOU

BlueLeaves: We said we werent gonna do that

Sound_Affects: I know.

Taylors-Machine: And then you did… what? To let him know?

CronchyBoi-69: it doesnt matter

CronchyBoi-69: she broke rule number 1

Helluv4xWay2G0: y dont u want us to know what she did?

Taylors-Machine: yeah, don’t think you’re getting out of the fact that you came in like the hulk, cronch

CronchyBoi-69: but you can see WHY i was so pissed, right?

Taylors-Machine: yeah ofc

Taylors-Machine: doesn’t make how you approached it ok

BlueLeaves: Wait, FX, did you figure out anybody else????

Sound_Affects: No, I didn’t.

Sound_Affects: Not for lack of trying.

Taylors-Machine: WHAT?!?!?!

Sound_Affects: Cronch is right. All of us are pretty damn lonely. I’m no exception.

BlueLeaves: you tried to find out who we were?!?!?!?!?!?!

BlueLeaves: on purpose?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Taylors-Machine: Yeah, fx, we PROMISED we wouldn’t do that

Sound_Affects: So I’m the only one here who thought that maybe being friends for real might be nice? I was the only one who actually wanted to meet?

BlueLeaves: Even if any of us HAD thought that you still should’ve talked to us instead of trying to figure out who we were.

Taylors-Machine: I think u owe cronch an apology.

Sound_Affects: I’m not sorry.

CronchyBoi-69: excuse me?

Sound_Affects: I’m. Not. Sorry.

Sound_Affects: All of you were so okay with being cool and mysterious and whatever the hell you thought you were doing.

Sound_Affects: But I’ve been fucking lonely, and the only four people I want to talk to about my personal problems are the only four I can’t because “we promised we wouldn’t share our identities.”

Sound_Affects: So no. I’m not sorry. Not even a little. I’m not sorry for doing something nice for Cronch, I’m not sorry for figuring out who he is, and I’m not sorry for trying to figure the rest of you out. Because you are my friends and I want to know who you are, I want to support you and feel like you support me. But maybe I’m the only one who feels that way.

Alana could feel anger welling up in her now, as her fingers flew across the keys with a speed she’d never known before.

Taylors-Machine: are you kidding?

BlueLeaves: you violated cronch’s privacy

Taylors-Machine: fx, that is so not the issue here

CronchyBoi-69: how can we POSSIBLY support you when you broke my trust like this

Helluv4xWay2G0: guys.

CronchyBoi-69: how could I ever forgive you for this?

BlueLeaves: regardless of why it doesn’t make it okay

Taylors-Machine: and not being sorry isn’t helping your case

Helluv4xWay2G0: can yall stop for a sec

CronchyBoi-69: in no world is it okay that you figured out who I am

Helluv4xWay2G0: EVERYONE SHUT THE FUCK UP

Helluv4xWay2G0: RIGHT FUCKING NOW

And they did. It was common for Hella to lose his temper. Hell, he’d even gotten annoyed with them occasionally. But this was different.

Connor knew that Alana did not deserve this firing squad. Alana, for all her faults, was sweet, genuine, and genuinely sweet. Connor couldn’t say nothing, couldn’t stand by as she got crucified for this. She certainly was not blameless in this situation, but Cronch was still dodging the question of what she did that was so bad, which led Connor to believe she had told the truth and had tried to do something nice. Cronch was, in all likelihood, ruining a good thing yet again. Cronch’s main anger seemed to be that she had figured out his identity, that she had broken the promise they made. And she wasn’t the only person guilty of that sin.

But Jared still wasn’t finished.

CronchyBoi-69: why.

CronchyBoi-69: why tf should I hella?

Helluv4xWay2G0: bc shes not the only one

Jared’s eyes bulged out of his head. He could feel his breath shortening and his chest tightening

CronchyBoi-69: hella.

CronchyBoi-69: if youre saying you know who i am too.

Helluv4xWay2G0: ofc not

Helluv4xWay2G0: dumbass

Jared could breathe again. A little.

Helluv4xWay2G0: but fx is not the only one who figured out someones identity.

Helluv4xWay2G0: bc i know who she is

Alana paused. There was a part of her that hoped this was the case, that someone would find out who she was and still be her friend. But now that it was real, she wasn’t sure how to feel. She was mostly confused. She couldn’t quite tell if she was pleasantly so, or unpleasantly so, or just plain confused.

Sound_Affects: You do?

Helluv4xWay2G0: pretty damn sure

Helluv4xWay2G0: i wouldnt know how to prove it without completely giving it away

Helluv4xWay2G0: but considering how fucken stupid i am id be surprised if im the only other 1 who figured someone out

Zoe exhaled. She believed FX when she said she didn’t mean to let Cronch know. It seemed like FX had tried to use this knowledge for good and it just completely backfired. Likely because it was Cronch.

But if Hella had FX’s back, maybe that said something about their group. Maybe it was time.

Taylors-Machine: I’ve known who hella is for a while

Taylors-Machine: I’m positive.

BlueLeaves: …I’ve known Taylor’s identity for a long time.

Helluv4xWay2G0: there

Helluv4xWay2G0: everyone else in this chat knows someone

Helluv4xWay2G0: so if ur gonna get mad, get mad at all of us

Helluv4xWay2G0: unless there’s something ur not telling us cronch

How had the tide turned against Jared this suddenly?

CronchyBoi-69: does it matter if i did or didn’t figure anybody out?

CronchyBoi-69: i never would have USED that information

Sound_Affects: Cronch.

Sound_Affects: Did you really hate what I did that much?

Sound_Affects: Was it really that bad?

And these final sentences forced him to once again reckon with reality: he was mad over a gift card.

It didn’t feel like that was the reality. But it would come to light soon that that’s what had happened. So, hands hesitating, he put his fingers back on the keyboard.

CronchyBoi-69: no.

CronchyBoi-69: that doesn’t make it okay.

Helluv4xWay2G0: who did u figure out cronch

CronchyBoi-69: i never said i did

Helluv4xWay2G0: well ur either the unluckiest son of a bitch in this chat

Helluv4xWay2G0: or ur hiding something

Helluv4xWay2G0: and my spidey sense tells me ur hiding something

Fucking hell, this had turned on him so quickly. He could lie again, that was true. He was good at it. He’d been lying to himself for god knows how long.

He was also tired of it.

CronchyBoi-69: fine. i figured out blue.

CronchyBoi-69: i never planned on telling him tho

CronchyBoi-69: i never planned on using it

Helluv4xWay2G0: really?

Helluv4xWay2G0: so ur needling of him in previous chats was just totally kosher stranger-friend banter?

Taylors-Machine: Hella has a point, Cronch

Taylors-Machine: this does make things suspect

BlueLeaves: guys, stop.

BlueLeaves: I don’t want to think about any of this

BlueLeaves: all of our previous interactions with EVERYONE are now suspect

BlueLeaves: how do we know any of what we said was real?

BlueLeaves: and how on earth can we move forward?

Evan put his head in his hands. He knew this had been too good to last. Actual friends. And the group was imploding. How could any of them trust each other ever again?

He found it funny that, as often as he tried to tell himself now that Zoe wasn’t “the answer,” she always had an answer.

Taylors-Machine: Well.

Taylors-Machine: There’s Chelsea Baker’s halloween party.

Taylors-Machine: She invites pretty much the whole school

Taylors-Machine: we could come in costume and reveal ourselves there

Sound_Affects: I love that idea. But how would it help?

Taylors-Machine: Well, we’re suffering from a lack of trust right now, right?

Taylors-Machine: The best way to move forward is radical honesty.

Taylors-Machine: and that means coming clean.

Taylors-Machine: No more ambiguity.

Taylors-Machine: Just talking to each other as we are.

Taylors-Machine: as who we are.

Taylors-Machine: but everyone would need to agree to it.

Sound_Affects: I’m in. I’m tired of not being able to really talk to you all.

Helluv4xWay2G0: fuck it, we ball

Helluv4xWay2G0: im in

BlueLeaves: im like 99% certain this is an awful idea

BlueLeaves: but I want to trust all of you again.

BlueLeaves: so let’s do it.

Taylors-Machine: Cronch, it’s up to you.

Jared was 100% sure telling Evan he had known Blue’s identity basically the whole time was a bad idea. But he was already losing Evan by not being able to talk to him, and his relationship with Blue was kind of a big part of that.

Plus, getting to tell off FX irl would be a big plus.

CronchyBoi-69: fucking.

CronchyBoi-69: fine. whatever.

CronchyBoi-69: ill play along with this stupid idea.

Taylors-Machine: okay. Then its settled.

Helluv4xWay2G0: lets stay civil in chat til then

Helluv4xWay2G0: cronch.

CronchyBoi-69: yeah fucking got it

BlueLeaves: maybe just be nonchalant in real life

BlueLeaves: like no dropping hints or anything

Sound_Affects: Trust me, I’ve learned my lesson.

Taylors-Machine: and don’t show ANYBODY your costume

Taylors-Machine: we don’t know who’s who, so an accidental reveal could give someone cold feet

Sound_Affects: We could meet by the fire pit? Maybe at 9:00pm?

Helluv4xWay2G0: works for me

Taylors-Machine: Great, we’ll meet then.

CronchyBoi-69: i want it noted i hate every part of this

Sound_Affects: Duly noted. And Cronch?

Sound_Affects: I hope you’ll at least use it.

Chapter Text

“And just like that, your cast is off! How are you feeling Evan?”

That question was more loaded than the doctor probably intended. Evan supposed it was good he wouldn’t be instantly recognized at the halloween party tonight. But he also no longer had an excuse to back out. He decided to respond with the most obvious answer.

“Light headed.”

The doctor chuckled. “Well, that’s to be expected, the blood’s rushing back to your arm. Hopefully it won’t last too long, and then we can get you right back to school.”

“No rush,” Evan deadpanned.

“Bet you’re glad to be free of that,” Heidi said, as always just a little too chipper for as early as it was.

“Yeah, sure,” Evan said. He knew it would still be a while before his arm was actually fine. The doctor had already mentioned painkillers and physical therapy and moisturizer which, looking at his arm, he definitely needed. He wasn’t fixed yet.

“Come on,” she prodded. “I thought you were excited for that party tonight! You’re going to be able to arrive all healed up and so impressive.”

“Yeah, if I can get a ride,” he mumbled. He’d asked his mom if she could drop him off at the party two weeks ago, to which she had agreed with no hesitation. He’d asked again this morning and she was busy.

“What was that?” She asked.

“Doesn’t matter,” he said flatly.

“It is kind of a shame you never managed to ask more than one person for a signature. You could’ve made some new friends!”

“I told you, I have friends.”

“Is this about the people on your phone again? Because I still don’t trust that, I really don’t know–”

“Mom, can we not do this right now? I’m sure the doctor has a lot of very important information to give us.”

“I do, in fact, have important information,” he said, starting to list off all the dos and don’ts of recovery now that the cast was off. Most of it seemed obvious, which meant Evan was free to tune it out and panic about the party.

He thought about who he could possibly see around the fire pit that evening. Obviously, Zoe was there. But he had no clue about the others. It wasn’t like he knew people at his school all that well, but it kind of bugged him he had no idea about any of the others.

His strongest guess was FX. The personality, bubbly and pushy reminded him a lot of a Sabrina Patel type. But that was assuming FX was in his grade, which was maybe not a good assumption. He wasn’t familiar with the stoners, so he was going off of vibes for who Hella could be, and Cronch, for all his idiosyncrasies, seemed… well, utterly normal. Like any other guy in his school. Of all the people he didn’t know, Cronch was the biggest question mark.

At least until tonight. Tonight, he would find out. Tonight, all would be revealed.

If he could get a ride to Chelsea Baker’s house.

Jared’s foot had been tapping anxiously all throughout second period. Why wasn’t Evan here today? He had hoped Evan wouldn’t show up today– he had tried to stay home himself, but his mom hadn’t bought that he was sick, so he was as punctual as ever– but somehow Evan not showing up was worse. He couldn’t tell what Evan was thinking in the slightest, couldn’t keep track of him (for the purposes of avoiding him, of course), couldn’t even see him. How was that last one the worst of all?

He breathed the tiniest sigh of relief when Evan came in about ten minutes from the end of class. What had taken him so long? He handed a note to the teacher, so it must have been excused somehow, but everything looked normal.

Oh right. The cast. The cast Jared had never signed. It was gone.

And just like that his anxiety spiked again.

He spent the next ten minutes desperately trying not to look at Evan. He got out of the classroom as quickly as he could to avoid talking to Evan. Luckily for him, Evan was preoccupied with his own thoughts at the moment.

Three classrooms over, Connor and Alana had been worrying about much of the same things for very similar reasons. Alana was worried that Jared and the others (whoever they were) would never forgive her. And Connor was worried by how Alana was wigging the fuck out. Well, for Alana standards. She was spacing out, muttering to herself, she had even answered a question wrong. All of this was very unlike her to begin with. Then when the bell rang, she forgot her pencil case.

Alana didn’t forget things.

Connor grabbed it as he passed her desk, following her out of the classroom, still half muttering to herself as she opened her locker and rooted around her backpack. She didn’t even notice Conner approaching her until he knocked on the edge of her locker and startled her out of autopilot.

“Hey,” he murmured as her head snapped to look at him. “You forgot this,” he said, holding out the pencil case.

Her eyes widened in gratitude. “Oh my god,” she quickly grabbed it, finding the right pocket in her backpack, “thank you so much! I swear, I’d lose my head if it wasn’t attached to me today.”

Conner chuckled. “Rough day?”

Alana sighed. “Do you ever feel like no matter what you do it’s the wrong thing?”

“Pretty much my whole life. Take it you’re new to the feeling?”

“Relatively,” she admitted. “It’s confusing. Usually I know just what to do, just what to say.”

“I think it’s possible you overestimate your ability.”

Alana frowned. “Well, maybe not just what to do or say, but like, some idea. And right now I don't." She paused. "I just don’t like feeling out of control.”

“Well, welcome to the club. Most of us feel out of control all the time.” He paused before adding, “you get used to it.”

“I’m not sure I want to.”

Connor faltered. He wasn’t sure what to say.

“Maybe… things will work themselves out. They usually seem to for you.”

Alana gave a small smile. “I hope so.” She paused for a moment. “How are you Connor? I feel like we never get the chance to talk.”

Not true. But then again, she didn’t know that.

“Eh, middling. Some things are not bad, other things are. You get it.”

“I’m starting to,” she commiserated. “Just wish we could have only the good things.”

Connor didn’t speak for a second. He wasn’t sure if he should say what he was thinking, but something compelled him to.

“I don’t know if I could handle too many good things.” The words that he spoke were not perfect, not what he meant to say, but he wasn’t sure how to say the thing he meant to say. “Luckily,” he continued, somehow even more awkwardly, “I don’t have many good things to begin with.”

Alana smiled at him, not a fake smile she puts on to convince everyone around her that she’s fine, but a real smile. It’s a nice smile. He wished he saw it more often.

“Well, you can always borrow some of my good things. Goodness knows I’m not using them right now.”

Connor thought he was going to perish on this very spot from how awkward he felt. Alana’s locker would forever bear the plaque “In Memory of Connor Murphy: The first person to legit die of awkwardness.” That’s how bad it was. He hadn’t felt awkward since fourth grade. 

Jesus, he talked to her every day. Why was this so hard right now?

“Well,” he cleared his throat, “I gotta get to class. See you around.”

“Thanks for returning my pencil case,” Alana said, quickly reorganizing her locker and backpack to get ready for her next class.

Her next class with Jared.

Oh boy.

The assignment was simple enough. Alana was already starting to work on it when the teacher gave the only stipulation: work in pairs. Across the classroom, Alana saw friends pair up quickly, people begrudgingly starting to work with the person next to them out of laziness, until she was completely alone in an island of pairs. And there was only one other person left.

Just her luck.

“Okay,” Jared said, as he pulled his chair close to Alana, “let’s take a crack at this.”

Alana stayed quiet as the two worked together, only speaking to help answer a question or provide her insight. She needed to get through this encounter without this moment sticking in Jared’s mind. Maybe then he wouldn’t actually kill her when she revealed her identity tonight.

Still, Alana was observant. Jared was tapping his pencil against his desk with more rigor. He wasn’t making stupid jokes that was sure to get them both in trouble. He sighed three times as he tried to focus on what they were doing. He was actively trying to focus.

Alana was observant. And Alana, despite everything, could not seem to help herself.

Even her own actions weren’t under her control today.

“Hey,” she interrupted Jared as he frantically scribbled some answer, flinching as she spoke, “are you okay?”

Jared exhaled through his nose. No, he was not okay.

(Alana knew this, of course.)

But, Jared knew he was perhaps being more stressful as a work partner. And Alana hadn't done anything wrong while working with him. In fact, so far as he could recall, Alana had not done anything wrong to him ever.

“It’s not you. Probably.” He inhaled and tried again. “I mean it’s not… this. Right now. It’s something else. Something I don’t want to talk about.”

Alana nodded. “That’s fair. You just seem… tense. It’s a little scary.”

Jared let out a chuckle. “I don’t think anyone’s found me scary in my whole life.”

“Oh I most certainly do,” Alana said, only halfway joking, “An angry Jared Kleinman? Who knows what he’ll do.”

Jared rolled his eyes. “Okay, I can stop hulking out," he conceded, "if it will make you feel better.”

“I really did just want to make sure you’re okay.” And that’s the truth.

She wondered if Jared would understand that if he knew who he was really talking to. Her stomach turned.

She didn’t like feeling guilty.

But Jared stopped tapping his pencil quite so aggressively. His handwriting became more legible. And he started making remarks that weren’t quite jokes and fell flat on their face. He was trying.

In fact, from Jared’s perspective he was putting out some of his best material. He couldn’t help but feel a little hurt Alana didn’t respond.

He found himself thinking about the fact that she said she found him scary. He wasn’t sure if that was good or bad. It was nice that someone was at least taking his anger seriously. But he wasn’t sure if he wanted to be known as the angry guy.

That was already how the group chat thought of him.

Luckily, that particular worry ended the second the bell rang and he moved on with the day. Of course, that didn’t mean he wasn’t worried. Far from it. His mind had been racing since the second he got up this morning. Actually, that morning he’d woken up from a nightmare about the party so technically he’d been worrying since before he’d even woken up.

And the day had been moving so slowly.

A million hours had passed since the end of third period, and he still had two whole classes to go through. He trudged over to his locker to grab his book.

Why couldn’t this day just end already?

“Jared.”

Jared recognized the voice, and of all the things he didn’t want to deal with at this moment, he did not want to deal with this now. He ignored it and tried to continue onto his next class.

Only Evan wasn’t going to be so easily deterred today. “Jared!” he yelled after him, pushing through strangers to catch up. When Jared still ignored him, he grabbed his elbow.

“Fuck’s sake, Evan,” Jared snapped as he turned around. “Can’t you tell now isn’t a good time?”

“Well when will be a good time?” Evan replied curtly.

“I don’t know–”

“You’ve been avoiding me.”

Jared really did not want to deal with this right now.

“I haven’t been avoiding you–”

“Yes you have, I’ve been trying to talk to you for weeks and–” this was not what Evan wanted to talk about. He had one task in mind. “Look, I need a ride to Chelsea’s party tonight,” he sputtered.

Jared blinked. He realized that maybe if Evan wasn’t there, they couldn’t do the whole reveal.  Maybe FX would just give up and this would all be over.

He then realized there was no chance of FX giving up. If Evan didn't show up, they'd arrange something else. Or worse, they would never talk again. Neither of those things would make it easier. No, it had to be tonight and Evan had to be there.

He just didn’t want the drive there and back to be uncomfortable for Evan.

“I can’t,” he apologized, and started to turn away. He was sure Evan wouldn’t pursue it.

“Bullshit.” 

Jared was almost right. Any other day, Evan would’ve let him walk away. But today, Evan was tired of his mother’s broken promises, tired of Jared acting so strange, tired of being so stressed about his only friends in the group chat.

Jared turned around, slightly shocked.

“I know you’re going to the party,” Evan accused. He wasn't actually sure about this, but it seemed like a good bet. “And I know my house is on the way. So I call bullshit when you say you can’t.”

“Evan,” Jared winced. He really didn’t want to deal with this. “I just don’t think it’s a good idea.”

Evan was fuming. “That’s it? You’re not even going to deny it?”

“What would be the point in that? Trust me it’s just… it’s better this way.” Jared hoped that was the truth. He tried to walk away again, but Evan was more determined than he even knew Evan could be.

“I could tell my mom.”

Jared was deeply confused. “What?”

“I could tell her that… that you’ve been a bad friend to me. That you’ve been mean and awful to me for weeks. And then she would tell your parents and you’d lose your car insurance. I could do that.”

Jared’s heart could almost break from how sincere Evan was being.

“Evan, you should’ve been doing that a long time ago. I haven’t been a good friend to you. I haven’t been your friend at all. Not in a long time.” He couldn’t keep looking at Evan’s face, confused and angry and– and hurt. “Tell your mom whatever you want.” Jared really had to get to class now. He booked it.

“Hey!” Evan shouted after him, struggling to keep up. “Hey I’m not done talking to–”

At that moment, Evan rounded a corner, almost bowling somebody over and dropping his things.

“Shit,” he said, “I’m so sorry,” he gathered his stuff along with the other person’s. “I–I just didn’t see…”

And at that moment he looked up to see Zoe Murphy.

“It’s okay, Evan. I’m unharmed.” She smiled at him. “Though you do seem to have bad luck with the Murphys knocking you to the ground.”

He chuckled awkwardly. “Seems– seems more like, uh, like the opposite today.”

“Not your fault,” she said, standing up with him. “Okay, maybe a little your fault. But I’m sure whatever it was, Jared started it. He was bolting down the hall away from you. What’s that about?”

Evan scoffed. “He’s being a jerk.”

“What else is new?”

“I asked him for a ride to, uh, to Chelsea’s party tonight," he stammered, "and he refused.”

“You’re going?” she asked, surprised. When Evan didn’t respond she continued, “shit, sorry, I didn’t mean to sound like– just, I don’t normally see you at those things.”

“Well,” he faltered, “I thought I’d try this one out. At least, that was the plan, but my ride for tonight fell through, so.” He shook his head. “I have no clue what I’m going to do.”

“Dude, I have a car,” Zoe offered.

Evan did not process for a solid five seconds that this was, in fact, an offer.

“Wh– to pick me up?”

“Yeah, I can absolutely do that. What’s your address?”

“Nonononono,” Evan started, “you don’t– you don’t have to do that I mean we hardly even know each other.” A lie. Not that she knew that.

But she would tonight.

“It’s fine, I have to drive my friends places all the time. I don’t mind.”

And she really didn’t. But Evan knew he would be freaking the fuck out the whole time.

“I’m-I’m sure I’ll find something,” he said. He really wasn’t even the slightest bit sure.

“Well,” Zoe said, “we’re friends on Facebook, right? Message me if you don’t.”

Evan could only nod uncomfortably as she walked away, a dumb smile forming on his face as she waved goodbye. 

He found it odd that he didn’t feel the normal pang of hurt that always came with interacting with Zoe.

He didn’t think to find it odd how much Jared abandoning him had hurt. He had too much on his mind, like the group chat, and how he was going to get to the party that night.

Zoe also had the group chat on her mind. To say she was nervous would not have gone nearly far enough. She knew what Connor was capable of when angry, and she knew he would be angry tonight, especially angry at her. To say she was nervous was an understatement; she was terrified.

Luckily, by this point she was used to hiding terror behind a pleasant smile. That’s how she got through most days, and that’s how she would get through this one.

No matter how much she longed for just one more delay, the minutes were just ticking by relentlessly. Soon, both her classes were done. Even the Jazz Band rehearsal couldn't protect her for long, and that hour was gone in a flash.

No use. She had to go home now. She had to see Connor.

"Hi Zoe," her mom greeted her when she entered. "How was school?"

Zoe shrugged. "Same old, same old," she said, setting her guitar down by the stairs.

"Hey," Connor said from the living room, making his presence known.

She tried not to jump. "Hey."

"You going to Chelsea Baker's thing tonight?" Things had been different between them ever since Taylor's whole "what sorry means" rant in the group chat. Connor was trying to be… nicer. He was sure it was confusing to Zoe.

But Zoe was not confused in the slightest. "Was planning on it." She was scared what tonight would mean for their uneasy truce.

"Can I get a ride?"

Zoe didn't hesitate. "Sure."

Connor nodded. "Cool. Let me know when we're heading out."

"Was thinking an hour, hour and a half from now?"

"Works for me."

And that was it. No fighting. No yelling. No anger, no disdain, just a normal conversation. A simple moment of asking a favor from a sibling.

Zoe was going to miss this after tonight.

She walked up to her room, trying not to look like she was rushing, and closed the door. She had a lot she needed to prepare for tonight.

Connor was grateful for the hour. In truth, he hadn't fully thought through the logistics of how he was hiding his identity. He had chosen a costume he liked and that had been that. But getting it to the party without letting anyone else see was going to be… tricky. After all, what if Zoe accidentally spilled the beans to someone in his group chat before he got the chance?

As quickly as he could, he ran up to his room to grab the oversized headpiece then ran back down. Now he just needed to get it into the car. As much as he didn't want to, he needed a little help.

He walked to the kitchen. His mother smiled at him as he entered, then saw what he was holding.

"Oh my," she said, just a bit too loudly, "is that part of your costume?"

"Yeah, yes, it is," he whispered. "Where's the spare key to Zoe's car?" His mother regarded him with suspicion before he clarified, "I'm trying to keep my costume a surprise, so I need to hide this in the trunk. You can watch me the whole time if you want."

His mother looked him up and down before saying, "front hall junk drawer." And with that, she turned back to whatever disgusting dinner she had been making.

"Thanks," he said. He silently ran to the front hall, grabbing the keys. Then he went to the garage, where Zoe parked her car during the school year, and quickly opened the trunk. She never used the trunk to carry her things, even when she was driving other people, so he felt confident she wouldn't check back here. And like that, he was basically ready.

He hovered by the junk drawer, holding the key. His intention really was to return it. Zoe had already agreed to drive him, and she was much more responsible than him when it came to parties.

Instead of opening the drawer, he found himself putting the key back in his pocket. After all, he had no idea what could happen tonight. Better safe than sorry.

Zoe was putting on the last details of her costume. She'd insisted on making the costume herself, but had procrastinated on finishing the mask. Luckily, the costume, and the mask in particular, were not hard to finish. Unluckily, Zoe was very impatient and a perfectionist, so if she got one line out of place, it was going to ruin her entire evening.

Or maybe that would just be the start of a completely ruined evening. Who knew?

As she made delicate strokes on the mask, she wondered who she would see around the fire pit tonight. She hadn't put much thought into this before, had avoided thinking about it in fact. But she didn't have much else to occupy her mind at the present moment.

She remembered how a while ago, she'd wondered if Cronch was Matt Holzer. She had had absolutely no evidence for this, just that she hated Matt for his annoying tendencies that weren't entirely unlike Cronch's. She had eventually dismissed this thought because unlike Matt, Cronch was actually funny. At least on occasion.

She really hoped she wasn't wrong about that. She couldn't stand the thought of having to be nice to Matt.

FX was a complete mystery to her, she'd known so many type A personalities that she couldn't even begin to narrow it down. And Blue was interesting, often a kindred spirit in the chat. She'd wondered if Blue was actually one of her friends from school, especially knowing that Blue knew who she was. But all of her friends would have figured out who Hella was immediately and confronted her, not to mention she didn't really have guy friends who knew her that well.

Blue seemed to be the one decent guy in her life. She really hoped learning who he was wouldn't ruin that. She was already about to ruin her relationship with her brother, ruining her relationships with the others would just about kill her.

She looked at the completed mask. Well, if nothing else, Connor would like her costume, she reasoned.

"Zoe, you ready to go yet?" Connor's voice called from the hallway.

Then she remembered how much he had changed. How little she actually knew him.

Hoped. She hoped he would like it.

"Gimme two secs!" she responded, stuffing the mask (as well as the rest of the costume) into her bag.

"No rush," came his reply.

God was she going to miss having a half considerate brother after this.

The drive wasn't long. Connor made some polite chit chat, and Zoe had small talked right back at him. At one point he let out his trademark snort, the one that indicated frustration and superiority, that said "wow I'm surrounded by idiots" without words, but just the once and he had mellowed as they got closer.

She wondered if this was the kind of sibling relationship that had been absent all her life. Somewhere deep down, Connor felt a similar emotion.

In treating her slightly better, Connor had found Zoe wasn't actually the most condescending younger sister ever. He'd started to considered the stresses she'd shared at meal times, the ones he used to think of as bragging. Oh, look at me, I'm so special I'm in AP Calculus because I'm soooooooo smart, he'd used to think as she remarked on the trouble she was having in that class. Now he was able to see the frustration as their parents ignored her asking for help, well you should've stuck with Tyler, (she had shifted uncomfortably at his name being brought up), he could've been a good tutor if you'd just given him a chance. Even Connor had seen how much of a creep that college freshman was. He didn't want to think about Zoe being alone with him.

Basically, it turned out that Zoe was not, in fact, the worst, and perhaps his perception had been biased by the fact that they had to live together and that he could at times be maybe, sort of, a little bit uncompromising, which probably wasn't a great incentive for her to compromise with him.

He couldn't exactly name what all of this made him feel, but his interactions with Zoe had seemed… easier as of late. Or something like that.

Like this car ride, for instance. Most car rides with Zoe, even the quick ones to school, felt tense, longer than they were. This one was a breeze and they were there in no time.

Connor unbuckled his seatbelt, planning when he was going to get his costume from the trunk. Zoe didn't move.

"Hey," she started, causing Connor to turn around. "Make sure you get a ride home one way or another, okay?"

Connor's initial response was annoyance. What, Zoe wasn't going to take him home? She was too good for that, was that what she was saying? She didn't deign to have to deal with him more than once in a day?

He shoved these thoughts down. Maybe there was a reason she said this that was not just to anger him.

"I thought you were taking me home as well," he said, trying to hide his clenched fist.

Though Zoe didn't know with certainty, she suspected that she would not be taking Connor home. That it would probably be better that way.

"Yeah, I just mean," she backtracked, "it's a party. Like, if you want to leave early… or if you wanna stay later than me or— or I dunno, like, go somewhere else for a bit. I know you probably can walk home but like. It's further than you might think. So if you don't go home with me," which he wouldn't, "get a ride."

Thinking it over for a second that… actually made sense to Connor. He thought maybe Zoe was overestimating how far it was if he did decide to walk it but he still understood the sentiment. His fist unclenched.

"Okay. Gotcha."

Zoe nodded and the two got out of the car. Conflict entirely averted. That never used to happen. They walked to the door of Chelsea Baker's house together. That also never used to happen.

There weren't too many people at the Baker house yet (Zoe liked to get events on time). Connor went to his normal MO, i.e. hiding in a corner, though this time it was to avoid being too much of a disturbance rather than of a general hatred for people.

Okay, it wasn't not out of a general hatred for people.

Zoe, meanwhile, went to find Chelsea. It was always good manners to greet the host, after all.

"Chelsea!" she exclaimed.

"Zoe!" Chelsea squealed back, going in for a hug.

Chelsea wasn't quite a friend, mostly because Zoe never knew where she stood with her, but she wouldn't have suggested this particular party if it hadn't felt safe.

"I know I'm here super early—"

"Oh my god it's literally fine!"

"—is there anything I can do to help?"

"Hmm, it should be all good, but I think there's some people filling coolers with drinks in the kitchen if you wanna make yourself busy."

"I'll check with them!"

"Wait, Zoe." Zoe stopped in the doorway. "Is," Chelsea looked around before mouthing, is Connor here?

Zoe surpressed a sigh. "Yeah, he's just gonna hang in a corner all night. He won't cause trouble here, you know that."

"Do I?" Chelsea said uncertainly.

"If he does, he'll face my wrath."

"It's his wrath I'm more afraid of."

Zoe couldn't even disagree with that sentiment. She just left the room and went to the kitchen where somebody seemed to be grabbing cans from the fridge.

"Hey, Chelsea said I could help out here?"

Alana looked over from the fridge. "Oh, hey Zoe!"

"Hey Alana." The two were familiar but not friends (so far as they knew). Alana just never had time to really hang out with people not in her grade and Zoe found Alana to be too busy to even bother. "How can I help out?"

"Oh you don't need to help out! I was just trying to make sure there are enough soft drinks in coolers so the freshmen won't feel pressured to try hard ones." Zoe nodded solemnly. "You can just feel free to enjoy the party." Alana turned around to put down her armful of drinks.

Zoe tapped the counter impatiently. "Alana. Honey. Look around us. What party?"

Alana looked out to the living room and realized Zoe was right. No one was here yet.

"Huh." Alana thought about it. "Did you come here with anybody?"

Zoe shrugged. "Just my brother."

Alana thought back to earlier that day. "How is Connor?"

"Uhhh, good I guess? Why do you ask?"

"No reason, I suppose. Just. We chatted earlier and he was…"

"Rude as fuck?"

"No, that's just it. He was being nice."

Zoe's eyes widened. "You're kidding."

"No, it was like. A good interaction with him. Is he going through something?"

Sort of. "Maybe," Zoe responded. "I dunno. I'd have to ask."

Alana waved this idea away. "Don't check on my account. I was just curious."

"Yeah," Zoe looked over at her brother. "I mean, I don't really know a thing about him."

There was a moment of silence before Alana said, "that sounds lonely."

Zoe turned back to her. Alana's expression read like she wasn't even sure she'd said that out loud. Zoe was trying to puzzle out what to say when Alana grabbed another armful of drinks and put them in the cooler.

"Aaaaand done! We're all beveraged out for the party."

Zoe decided to ignore the awkward moment, and ignore the relieved look on Alana's face when she simply replied, "no one will go dehydrated thanks to you."

At that moment, Zoe's phone dinged.

Evan Hansen               Now
Hey earlier when you said you could take me

Evan Hansen               Now
Is that still an option?

Zoe quickly opened her phone up and replied.

Zoe Murphy
Of course!
What's you're address?

Evan did not live far away. She'd be there in ten minutes, and told him as much. First she just had to clear someething up.

She found Connor in the corner.

"Hey, I gotta go pick up a friend but I'll be right back. Cool?"

Connor nodded. "Cool." He was still trying to figure out how to get the costume out of the back anyway.

With that Zoe walked out of the Baker household, nearly running straight into Jared Kleinman.

"Watch it," he yapped. He was holding a tallboy, unconvincingly blocking the label as if he expected people to believe it was a soda. Based on the way he moved it, it seemed about half empty. Not to mention he looked awful. Had he gotten any sleep the night before?

"Sorry," Zoe said, only half apologizing as she made her way back to her car. She couldn't make Evan wait on his ride to his first big party.

Evan looked in the mirror. He hadn't seen the costume on before. He fully expected to see himself and regret it, throw it in the trash and forget the whole stupid thing. He wasn't even sure why he'd chosen it to begin with. He'd never felt comfortable in his own skin, and what was this costume doing if not accentuating his skin, all the awkward lanky edges and asymetric curves he'd been saddled with as long as he could remember?

But something unexpected happened. Evan saw himself and found it transformed him. Sanding those edges and curves until they became something worth appreciating. Something aspirational.

Something almost heroic.

His phone interrupted his reverie.

Zoe Murphy               Now
I'm outside when you're ready

"Shit," Evan whispered, pulling off the hood of the costume.

Evan Hansen
Sorry, I'll be out in a moment!
Have to do one thing first

Zoe Murphy
No rush!

Evan hurried to get out of the costume, nearly tripping over himself as he tried to step out of it. Zoe, of all people, could not see his costume before it was time. He haphazardly threw the suit inside his backpack, not worrying about wrinkles, and jumped back into his jeans almost catching his finger in his haste to zip them up.

He ran across the threshold of his bedroom, then back in as he grabbed his backpack, then a second time to get his keys, and once more to grab his phone.

He sprinted out the front door, out of breath by the time he reached Zoe's car.

"Sorry," he gasped.

"It's okay," Zoe chuckled a little bit. "You wanna lock your door?"

Of course Evan had forgotten to lock the door. Before he could rush back to do it, Zoe continued. "You can just walk. Catch your breath. It's really fine."

Evan nodded, walking back to the front door, taking his time to lock it. He really still couldnt breath from the rushing in and out of his room. He was still recovering by the time he was actually in the passenger's seat.

"You ready?" Zoe asked.

As I'll ever be. He nodded.

Back at the Baker house, Connor was sincerely regretting coming to what was, slowly but surely, becoming a party. He had no one he could really talk to aside from Zoe, who was gone at the moment, and Alana, who he did not want to spend too much time with before the reveal. He couldn't even use this moment to grab his costume from the car. He was starting to get worried he'd never find a good chance to change into it.

He was staring straight ahead when a voice interrupted his thoughts.

"The fuck are you looking at?" Jared Kleinman sneered.

A rather rude awakening from a rude person.

"Literally nothing," Connor said with a scowl.

"Bullshit, you were staring at me like some freak."

Connor was quickly becoming annoyed. "You're sure you wanna do this right now?" he threatened.

"Oh I've been waiting to do this," Jared replied storming over to Connor and getting as much in his face as he could.

The smell of alcohol on Jared's breath brought Connor an all new awareness to his surroundings.

"Are you already drunk?" Connor asked, taking a step back. He was suddenly aware that a small crowd was gathered, pretending not to pay attention to what was happening between the two boys. "The party's only just started."

"Oh, like you're one to judge," Jared deflected. "I bet you're high right now."

Connor blinked. "I'm not. Actually." He really wasn't. He wanted to be sober for tonight. He sighed. "Look you may wanna do this, but I don't. I just wanna get through this night. So let me go back to staring at the middledistance, and you go get some water, sober up a little bit. Relax. Try to enjoy the party." Connor pushed past Jared, leaving him speechless.

How had he come away from an interaction with Connor looking like the aggressive one?

Back in Zoe's car, Evan had finally recovered enough breath to actually speak to Zoe.

"Thank you for taking me, again, I'll find some way to repay you."

Zoe brushed him off. "Don't be ridiculous, I'm happy to help." Evan wondered if she would be so happy to help if she knew who he was. "What made you decide to come to this one?"

"W-what?"

"Like I said earlier I don't usually see you at these things. So I'm curious. Why this one?" Evan looked at his hands. How could he possibly answer this without giving it away? "It seems like a last minute decision based on the whole asking Jared today thing."

Evan chuckled awkwardly. "Um, actually it wasn't, uh, believe it or not. I decided to come a while ago."

Zoe raised an eyebrow. "Took you a while to find a ride."

Evan pinched the bridge of his nose. "My mom was gonna— was supposed to take me but then she had to— she just kinda—"

"Bailed on you?" Zoe filled in. Evan nodded, and Zoe sighed. "Yeah. I get that." She looked pensive. Did Zoe's parents have a habit of bailing on her too? "Look, you don't have to answer if you don't want," she said, "I was just being curious. Nosy, I guess."

The trouble was, Evan did want to answer. He wanted to answer so bad, wanted their relationship to be more than it was, to be like Blue and Taylor. But he couldn't tell the whole truth. Not yet.

"It's my senior year," he started quietly. "And I look back at what little I have done in high school, and it's… apart from, you know, pretty good grades, I've just, just sort of managed to survive. And-and you know, adults, like, they always say these are the best years of your life. And I don't believe it for a second but… I don't want to come away with only bad memories, you know?" He took a breath, gathering more momentum. "I'm scared that I've missed my chance at a normal teenage experience. Like, I don't have my drivers license. I never joined a club or a sports team, I never really hung out with people outside of, like, group projects. I've never been on a date or even kissed anybody—" he stopped. He had gotten swept away in his frustration.

If Zoe thought anything of what he had said, she didn't remark upon it.

"And I've never been to a party," he finished, quiet as he had started. "So. Figured that was one thing down."

It was silent for a few moments. Zoe's eyes scanned the road ahead of them. Evan couldn't tell if she was trying to find the right thing to say or just focused on driving.

"Sorry," he finally said, "I'm not sure… I don't know why I said all that. You must think that's all really, really pathetic."

"No, of course not," Zoe replied, almost a little too quickly.

"I'm almost eighteen and I've never even had a first kiss. You don't find that the tiniest bit pathetic?"

"Not at all," Zoe said. She meant it.

But Evan didn't believe her.

"How old were you for your first kiss?" Evan asked.

Zoe didn't want to answer this. But Evan had revealed his truth, even though he was embarassed about it. Maybe she should follow his lead.

"…So, I was twelve—"

Evan nodded. "There you go."

"—But it wasn't a good kiss!" Zoe protested, undeterred. "Like, I just did it as, like, a stupid dare. I wish I hadn't done that. I've regretted most of the—mind you, few— guys I've kissed. Sometimes I think dating in high school is a little ridiculous. I mean, how are you supposed to figure out who you are as a couple when both of you are trying to figure out who you are as people?"

Evan pondered this. He wondered if it was merely a coincidence that this was a similar conclusion that Blue had shared with Taylor in the chat (albeit slightly less self-depricating). "I guess that makes sense."

"Romance is an overrated part of the 'normal teenage experience,' assuming there even is one singular relatable 'normal teenage experience.' People do things at their own pace, and frankly I think we should judge people less by what benchmarks they have or haven't reached by their eighteenth birthday. Or any birthday, for that matter. And I certainly don't think you're pathetic for failing to meet your own arbitrary deadline."

Evan's mind worked overtime to not put Zoe back on the pedestal in this moment. "Don't worry, there's a whole other host of reasons I'm pathetic," he said, hoping the humor would diffuse the tension after Zoe's onslaught of sincerity.

She giggled. "Well, maybe I just have to get to know you better."

Evan smiled. "Yeah. Maybe."

Zoe had to drive a little ways down the block to park, there were too many cars there now.

"Thanks again for driving me."

"Of course. Like I said, I don't mind having company while I drive. I already had to drive Connor here anyway."

Evan stopped dead in his tracks. "Wait, Connor is— is here?"

Zoe turned around, tilting her head. "Is that a problem?"

"Um. I guess not. It's just… he doesn't really like me."

"You and everyone else, that's kind of his whole thing."

"No he really doesn't—" Evan couldn't explain this. "It's probably best if he doesn't know I was the one you picked up."

Zoe laughed, but Evan didn't move from his spot. "Wait, you're seriously not going to go in?"

"I will!" Evan reassured her. "Just. I'm going to wait a bit. So he doesn't think it's me."

"I really think you're being excessive—"

"Trust me," Evan said, "I'm not."

Zoe exhaled. She couldn't make Evan do anything. "I will see you inside though, right?" She would hate to have picked Evan up only for him to get cold feet.

Evan nodded. "I promise."

"Okay," Zoe said, slightly unconvinced as she made her way back inside. Evan hung around outside for precisely three minutes (any sooner might look suspicious, any later and he might legit panic and leave). As he opened the front door he nearly collided with—

"Connor," Evan whispered under his breath, quickly jumping out of the way and assuming a position that he hoped was nonchalant but mostly just looked defensive.

Connor rolled his eyes. Why did everyone assume he wanted to pick a fight tonight? He just needed to grab the costume and get back. Then he noticed who he almost ran into.

"Hey, Hansen," Connor said, marching back toward him. This was it, Connor was going to beat him up and he would forever haunt the Baker house, only to reappear each year on the Friday before Halloween. "Make sure you check on your boytoy tonight."

Evan felt his ears go red. "My what?!"

Connor groaned. "Your friend. Kleinman?" So he had come, Evan thought, fury welling up inside him. "He showed up already drunk and I don't think he has any intention of slowing down."

"Jared's not my friend," Evan glowered. He didn't even seem to take notice of the fact that he was staring right back at Connor's demanding glare, that's how angry he was at Jared.

Connor shook it off. "Whatever, not my circus." And with that, he scoured the street for Zoe's car.

Evan was not going to worry about Jared. Evan was not going to talk to Jared, Evan was not even going to think about Jared. He was going to enjoy the party, meet his friends, and that was all.

He quickly saw Jared in the living room, so he bolted as quickly as he could back to the kitchen. He had rested his arms on the kitchen counter for about half a second before someone started talking to him.

"What are you drinking?"

Evan knew Alana Beck. In the sense that they were in the same grade and occasionally shared a class or two, but he didn't really know Alana. Sometimes he got the sense that no one did.

He wasn't too far off.

"You're uh," he gestured vaguely with his hands, almost on autopilot, "bartending?"

She smiled. "Well, I'm getting drinks for people while I'm here."

"How long have you been here?"

"Since the start of the party," she admitted.

Evan looked around. They weren't exactly alone in the kitchen, but everyone here seemed content. "Maybe you should take the lull to… leave?"

"Maybe," she said vaguely. "But I can still get you something. So, what'll it be?"

Evan paused, plagued by indecision. After a sufficiently awkward amount of time had passed, he finally answered "I'm not sure. I just got here."

"Are you drinking tonight?"

"I… don't know." He hadn't even thought about that as part of his first party experience. Did he even want to drink?

"I just ask because I gotta give you the stamp if you're not," she said, pointing to the back of her own hand which had a blue ink circle. "Helps us keep track of the designated drivers."

"Oh, I— I didn't drive here." Evan paused. "I didn't think Chelsea would take this quite so seriously."

"Sophomore year one of her friends tried to drive home drunk, backed her car right into the lamppost. She's a lot more cautious about the DD system since then," Alana said matter-of-factly. "So. You want the stamp?"

Evan figured he could drink tonight. If there would ever be a time, this seemed like the right one. High school party. He wasn't on the hook for good decisions.

As Evan mulled it over, Alana looked around before whispering, "no one will question it. Plus people are super down to just grab endless soft drinks for our DDs."

He considered the other side of this decision, remembering his talk with Zoe. Maybe he was just talking himself into drinking when he didn't actually want to do it tonight.

"I think I'll stick with soft drinks. But no stamp for now," he continued. "Night's still young."

"Anything in particular?" Alana asked.

"Surprise me." Alana seemed more surprised by the answer. Frankly, Evan was surprised with himself. He was not a "surprise me" kind of person. Alana looked in the cooler behind her before grabbing a can.

"I suspect Sprite's a safe selection," she said. "Ooh, alliterative," she added under her breath. Evan chuckled a little at this.

"Yeah, Sprite's safe. Who's gonna be mad at Sprite?"

"Derrick Cox," Alana said, rolling her eyes.

Evan shrugged. "Maybe… maybe he's just mad that his name is spelled wrong."

Alana snorted involuntarily.

"That," she caught herself, "that wasn't— I shouldn't have laughed."

"I shouldn't have said it," Evan agreed. They both nodded solemnly. Alana was the first to break, her lip quivering into a smile caused Evan to stifle a cackle, which led to the both of them silently laughing at each other for a few seconds. The joke wasn't even that funny, and they both knew it. It was just… goofy.

Evan wondered if all parties were like this. Alana wondered why this party felt so different. Apart from the obvious.

"Come back to me if you need your Sprite topped off. Or if you change your mind."

"I'm not that hard to find if you need to complain about Noelle Powers' drink order."

Alana fake-scoffed. "She got a diet coke again."

"The nerve of some people," Evan joked.

Evan. Joking. Almost like he and Alana were friends.

He stared awkwardly into his Sprite for a moment. He wondered if he would be able to joke with the group chat like this.

He took a big swig of his sprite and strode out of the kitchen. It was time to join the party.

Small problem: he wasn't exactly sure how. He saw lots of people doing lots of things but wasn't sure how to engage with them. As if on instinct, his eyes scanned the crowd for anyone he knew. Then he snapped himself back to reality.

He kinda knew a lot of people here, but he didn't really know them, not the way teens were supposed to know each other. Who would he even approach?

"Hi!" A voice behind him chirped, much too bright. "Evan, right? I'm so glad you could make it."

Evan nodded politely. "Thanks, Chelsea. Me too, it was, uh, it was a bit touch and go there for a moment." She must do this, he realized, flit around to party guests to make sure they were all having fun. At that moment, two of her friends were calling her over. Evan wouldn't keep her.

"Wait, Evan, do you like games? You seem like a game guy."

Evan wasn't sure what this meant. "I… guess?"

"Perfect!" she squealed. "So Marcia and Ryan— you know Marcia and Ryan, right?"

"Maybe?"

"Well," she hadn't waited for an answer, "they're waiting to play a game, and of course I'm happy to join, but we need a fourth to play it," she was already ushering him over to the two that had called out, "whaddya say?"

"Is it, like, a drinking game?"

"No, silly! Those start later. Good to know you're on that wavelength though," they reached the two others (Marcia and Ryan Evan guessed?). "Hey guys, Evan's agreed to play washers with us!"

"I have?"

Zoe caught glances of Chelsea teaching Evan the rules of washers and smiled. Chelsea was a good host if nothing else, and now at least Zoe had one less thing to worry about. Which mostly just left the issue of changing into her costume, keeping an eye on Connor (wherever he had disappeared to), and the fire pit meeting. No pressure or anything.

Jared scowled at the whole scene. He knew Evan wouldn't exactly wanna talk to him but he didn't think Evan would be that obvious in his avoidance. And cozying up to Chelsea? Yeah, that wasn't a dead giveaway that he was trying not to talk to him.

Alana looked after Jared, worried. He hadn't been in a good state when he arrived. She feared it would only get worse as the night wore on.

Connor had a hard time seeing anything through his fucking headpiece. Why did he think this was a good idea?

One by one, each of them slipped away from the party, replaced by a masked costume. Nobody particularly missed Connor. Alana was a little more obvious. Then Evan had to find a sub in whatever game Chelsea's friends were trying to goad him into next. Jared didn't much care if anyone missed him. Zoe waited about as long as she could.

The Headless Horseman had been waiting by the fire pit for nearly twenty minutes. The costume was high quality, a clever use of forced perspective to create the effect, and the material indicated it was either quite expensive or had been handmade by someone who had done their research.

A few minutes before the meeting a somewhat nervous Spider-Man morph suit joined. He(?) gave a slightly awkward wave before settling around the fire place. Shortly after that a decidedly much chiller Pyramid Head stepped over a bench before sitting himself (definitely) down, his costume a strange combination of lovingly crafted (what with the headpiece) and half-assed (what with the no shirt). A Bedsheet Ghost stumbled into the circle between Pyramid Head and Headless Horseman. No effort had been put into this costume.

No-Face was the last to arrive, gently making their way over to the fire pit, their lovingly painted mask only just dry. When they arrived, everyone stood back up. They all looked around, unsure what to say. Finally, Pyramid Head took out his phone. Moments later, the other four phones dinged.

Helluv4xWay2G0: So.
Helluv4xWay2G0: How do we start?

Chapter Text

Helluv4xWay2G0: So.
Helluv4xWay2G0: How do we start?

To Hella's credit, it was a good fucking question. The dreaded moment had finally arrived. How to proceed?

The Headless Horseman began a flurry of typing.

Sound_Affects: Well I thought it would be fun for us to reveal the person we figured out.
Sound_Affects: Give us a chance to explain how we put it together.
Sound_Affects: And then that person reveals the next person.

No Face was the first to respond.

Taylors-Machine: I kinda like that idea
Taylors-Machine: hopefully endears us to each other more.
Taylors-Machine: who's going first?

Bedsheet ghost held up a hand.

CronchyBoi-69: Me.
CronchyBoi-69: It's only fair that I get revealed last.

Unfortunately, he made a good point.

But Spider-Man pieced together what that meant. It took everything in his power not to bolt right then.

CronchyBoi-69: BlueLeaves
CronchyBoi-69: Evan Hansen

Evan supposed there was no point in hiding it now. He took off his hood, his hair now slightly ruffled by being pressed down for so long. The long silence made the way everyone else was looking at him seem more judgemental.

"Uh… hi," he finally croaked out. He swallowed and tried again. "It's, it's good to meet all of you. I guess."

FX gave a small wave. Hella gave a nod (or tried to, it seemed a laborious task with the pyramid on his head). Cronch stayed staring at his phone. And then there was Taylor, whose tilted head indicated curiosity.

Sound_Affects: How did you figure out it was Evan?
Sound_Affects: Seems pretty generic.
CronchyBoi-69: yeah thats basically how i figured it
Helluv4xWay2G0: ?
CronchyBoi-69: i'll explain later

Everyone looked at Evan expectantly, particularly Taylor with the no-face costume on.

"Oh. Right." Evan cleared his throat, unsure if the others could hear. "Taylor's Machine," he said, gesturing to her. "Zoe Murphy."

Zoe took off the mask. Hella almost did a double take at this (again, it was hard to tell with the headgear).

"Huh," she remarked. "Guess I do need to get to know you better." Evan smiled. "How did you figure me out?"

Evan shrugged. "I went to the jazz band concert."

Zoe had a look of dawning realization. "I didn't know you were there."

Hella kept looking between them. WHAT.

"Yeah, alright, I'm getting to you. Helluva Way To Go, none other than my brother, Connor Murphy."

Connor practically threw the head piece off. Immediately Evan started panicking. Connor was Hella??

"How in THEE fuck—?" Connor started.

"I'm your sister, it was obvious," she said. "I'm honestly surprised you didn't realize sooner." She was trying to play this off like she wasn't worried. But of course she was. Evan knew it.

"What are you implying, that I'm dumb or something?" This was bad. Connor didn't seem to realize he was raising his voice. Evan recognized the scene all too well. "That I'm fucking—?"

"Connor!" Evan surprised even himself interrupting. Connor began glaring daggers into him but Evan pretended not to notice. "Four seven eight."

Connor returned to his body. He took a step back from Zoe, and began breathing: in for four, hold for seven, out for eight.

Zoe looked at Evan, stunned. "What was—?"

"We, uh. We briefly talked about it in chat. Well, Blue and Hella. Apparently we've both been fed that by therapists." Connor kept breathing. "The most annoying part is it works." Connor looked back at Evan, no longer fuming, finally able to see him. "It's your turn. Wh-w-when you're ready. That is."

Connor slowly turned to Zoe. "Don't think I'm done with you yet. I'm still pissed."

Zoe nodded. "I'd expect no less."

Connor rolled his eyes. He turned to the Headless Horseman. "Sound Affects is Alana Beck."

Alana let the cloak fall off her back. "I'm excited to meet everyone. Even if it isn't going… quite as I expected." She turned to Connor. "How did you figure me out? I thought I'd done pretty good."

Connor shrugged. "Alana-matopoeia." Alana quietly gasped, shocked. She hadn't expected that. How did Connor even know about that?

Meanwhile, the bedsheet ghost had done the calculation. Even in his inebriated state, he knew he was next. And he really, really did not want to be next. As the four discussed, Cronch slowly stepped away from the fire pit hoping to leave unnoticed.

"Cronch?" Zoe intoned. It had not worked.

"Where the fuck are you going?" Connor asked.

CronchyBoi-69: yeah no
CronchyBoi-69: im not doing this

"Come on," Alana said. "Even if you leave you know I'm just going to tell them." Cronch didn't move back. "Jared."

Evan turned to Alana suddenly. "Wait, Jared?" He turned back to the bedsheet ghost. "Jared Kleinman??"

Jared pulled the sheet off. "Who the fuck else would it be Evan?" he fumed. "Who the fuck else would figure you out?"

Evan stared at Jared, his eyes flitting around frantically as he latched onto one thought, then abandoned that one for the next, and the next.

"So how did you figure him out?" Connor asked, oblivious. Secretly, Alana and Zoe were curious too.

"Yeah," Evan started, "how did you—?"

"Because if anybody knew you they'd know that 'Blue Leaves' could only be you. It's so generic that it has to be you with your fucken, like, tree bullshit. So dumb."

"Hey," Zoe raised her voice in warning.

Evan took a shuddering breath. Alana looked between everyone frantically, as if trying to find some small detail that would suddenly make everything alright.

"Forget it," Connor said. "He's drunk." Jared scoffed and rolled his eyes at this. "And it's not like he's got no right to be upset."

Evan snapped. "I'm sorry, Jared has a right to be upset? Jared? He gets to be upset that he was caught because of his poor behavior?"

"Evan," Alana tried to interject.

"No, no he absolutely does not get to be upset, not at me, not about this."

Connor took a step forward. "That's not what I was—"

"He's been a smartass since day one and when it comes to me, to blue, he was always dismissive and he knew it was me the whole time and he was…" Evan's eyes widened. He scoffed, almost laughing at the realization. "He was using this chatroom to bully me."

"That's a strong word," Alana attempted.

"It's the right word because that's what he always does to me."

"Evan, it's not—" Jared interrupted.

"And he's been doing it in the chat room since the beginning."

"No, he hasn't," Zoe said matter-of-factly. "I think you need to take a breath so we can deal with this calmly."

"No," Evan said, surprising even himself, "the only thing I need is to get as far away from him as possible." And with that Evan walked away from the fire pit and back to the party. He didn't look back. He didn't see Jared's face fall.

"That… could've gone better," Alana faltered.

"Fucking perfect," Jared muttered, nearly falling as he sat down.

"Yeah," Zoe agreed, "I get the frustration but that was… a lot."

Connor huffed. "Honestly, I can't find it in me to fault him right now."

Zoe could see where this was heading. She knew the only thing she could do was accept it. Alana did not seem to have that foresight.

"You don't think that was a bit of an overreaction?" Alana said.

"To discovering that someone you thought was your friend isn't—"

Jared stood up suddenly and began walking away.

"Where are you going?" Alana called after him.

"I need a drink."

Connor stared after him as he stumbled back into the house. "Yeah, I think Evan's reaction was appropriate. Realizing this whole time someone you trusted was treating you like shit."

This, Zoe decided, she did not need to accept. "I do not treat you like shit Connor."

"Oh, then how would you describe it?"

"How would you describe how you treat me?" She challenged right back.

Alana looked on at the tense scene, the Murphy siblings eyes locked in silent battle, each searching for some sign of surrender in the other. Alana started to shuffle uncomfortably, looking towards the rest of the party. Just as she was about to make her move, Connor blinked.

"The others had the right idea," he said, finally turning away. "Alana, we'll talk later." He followed the other two boys inside, not even sure what his plan was.

"Okay," Alana said quietly. "That was a disaster." Her tone indicated several feelings she was working very hard to not let out.

"They're not mad at you," Zoe quickly said. "At least Evan and Connor. Jared… Jared I think is just mad at himself but you're the only acceptable outlet for that ire."

"No, Jared's definitely mad at me."

"Regardless, this isn't the end," Zoe continued. "Just, I dunno, try to stay afloat. We'll figure this out," she said, hoping she sounded more confident than she felt.

"Should we, like, keep an eye out for them?" Alana asked, unsure how to even proceed.

"Jared definitely, he was drunk when he got here. Evan probably. Connor…" Zoe trailed off. "He has a right to be mad."

"Alright then," Alana said, straightening herself. "Divide and conquer."

None of the party guests had ever seen Evan like this. Granted, none of them knew Evan that well, but everything about him right now seemed counter to what little they thought they knew. The way he was stomping around, the furrow in his brows, the deep considered breaths as though he was actively putting in effort to not hold his breath. And the silence— they were used to silence from Evan but never quite as potent, as seething as this.

For Evan's part it was all he could do to not storm out entirely. He was more angry and confused than he had ever been, but for once he felt he had the right to feel that way. He was so blinded by his rage that when he finally calmed down enough to take in his surroundings, he wasn't entirely sure where in the house he had ended up. He had only been in the house briefly at the start of the party and to change into his costume, so he didn't know the layout that well. He seemed to be in some long hallway connecting a bunch of different rooms. He whipped his end from one end of the hallway to another, hoping that might elucidate something.

"Evan?" It was Chelsea's voice that came from some room. He tried his best to go neutral as he turned to face her. He didn't think he could handle fake happy right now. "Are you good?"

"Peachy," he said, as unsarcastic as he could muster. He was feeling a lot. He decided he needed to not be feeling it right now. "Which way is the kitchen?"

Chelsea pointed the way. "Turn left at the end of the hall."

"Thanks," he said, quickly following her directions.

Evan knew this probably wasn't his best idea. He also didn't care. As he had realized earlier in the night, he wasn't on the hook for good ideas this evening. He opened the fridge, only to find nothing there. It took him only a second to find the cooler filled with ice and what he was after: alcohol. He got hold of a beer first. It would probably be safe, but he was worried about the taste. He didn't understand alcohol in the slightest, but eventually he found a hard lemonade. He figured it would probably be safe. Or at least taste good.

Looking at the bottle he wasn't sure if it was a screw off cap or if he needed a bottle opener. He placed the bottle on the counter and started rummaging through drawers. But before he could even find one, somebody grabbed his hand and with one quick motion put a stamp on the back of it.

"What the hell— Alana?" She had grabbed his lemonade bottle at this point. He looked at the ink on his hand. "Why the—" he began trying to rub it off. He licked his thumb to add some moisture, but it still wasn't working. "Why won't it come off?"

"The ink is strong. Won't wash away that easy," she stated. "You're trying to make a really awful decision."

"Okay, and? It was my decision to make. You didn't have the right to take it from me."

"I have the responsibility to step in when one of my friends is past the point of reason and about to make ruinous choices."

"Now look who's Little Miss Moral Crusade," he muttered, obstinately scrubbing the ink that wouldn't go away. "It was one drink."

"I know it won't just be one drink Evan," she said pointedly. "I know this mental drain you're circling and I know what it will do to you if you're not careful, and this is not the careful choice."

"What would you know about this, do you even drink?"

"I'm the one who crashed her car sophomore year," Alana said. Evan stopped at this. He hadn't expected it. "Because I was depressed and anxious and angry with the world and wanted to… let loose for a night. But I went way far past letting loose. I'm the reason this whole system exists. So take it from me when I say that you don't want to do this."

Evan exhaled. "Maybe not. But you can't stop me." He grabbed the first bottle he could get out of the cooler, cracked it open against the counter and took a giant swig, defiantly staring Alana down.

The taste in his mouth was not that of hand sanitizer. That said, it wasn't dissimilar to hand sanitizer. In a word, Evan found it gross. He tried to swallow a little of it, but couldn't make himself do it. He leaned over to the sink and spit it out. He turned the faucet on, cupping his hands to get some water into his mouth. The taste was lingering. God, he did not like alcohol.

"Next time," Alana said, "fruit flavored soju. Doesn't taste like alcohol. But only one. Gets you drunk fast."

It seemed Alana knew a lot more than he expected.

"I'm leaving now." He pulled out his phone, quickly dialing the number from memory as he walked out of the kitchen. "Mom?" he said when the beep came, "Call me back when you get this."

Jared had lost count of exactly which drink this was. Maybe seven? He hadn't left the single digits yet. Probably.

There was still time to change this.

"Hey." Jared turned, and his slightly blurry vision landed on Connor (probably), with his stupid pyramid head costume and his stupid abs.

"Go the fuck away," Jared slurred.

"Nah. Don't feel like it."

"Who the fuck do you think you are Murphy? Acting like you can do whatever the fuck you want?"

Connor shrugged. "Someone who knows you."

"You don't know anything about me."

"Well Hella knows Cronch."

"This is real life, Connor. And all I know is I hate you more than I hate most people, and that's a pretty tough act to follow." He tried taking a sip only to find his bottle empty. Onto number eight. "And I need a drink."

Connor didn't say anything for a moment. "You wanna go get Sonic?"

Jared eyed him suspiciously. Sonic did sound good right about now. But he didn't trust Connor. "You don't drive."

Connor held up the spare keys to Zoe's car. "I do tonight."

Before he could protest, Jared heard his stomach growl. When was the last time he had eaten? "I guess I could go for some tots."

"Yeah," Evan talked into the phone as he exited the Baker house, "I thought so too." He had spent the better part of the last twenty minutes or so trying to get in touch with his mom. "…Just, a lot happened. …Yeah. Me too. How long will you be? …Yeah, I'll be out front. Thanks. I'll see you soon." He hit the end call button and sighed. He did not want to deal with his mother right now. But he also did not want to be at this party anymore.

Of course, who should he see out there sitting on the curb but Zoe Murphy.

"Hey," she said when she saw him.

"Hey." Evan said nothing as he looked up and down the street for his mom's car. He knew it wouldn't be there for a while yet.

"Leaving?" Zoe asked.

"Yeah."

She nodded. "Tonight was a lot."

Evan was frustrated. But not particularly at Zoe. She had done nothing to deserve that.

"What about you?"

"Well I was trying to look for… the others. But I haven't seen Connor for a while now." She looked up and down the street herself. "Or my car for that matter. I think he might've taken it."

Evan blinked. "Oh, damn."

"Must've taken Jared with him."

Evan scoffed at the name being brought up.

"Come on," Zoe protested, "he's not that bad, he just—"

"Can we not do this right now, actually?"

Zoe considered him carefully. "Okay." They went back to comfortable silence. Both shuddered as the night breeze blew through all the layers of their costumes and through their bones. Zoe wrapped her arms tighter around herself. "How are you getting home?"

"My mom. She just got off work."

"Wow. Late shift?"

"Every shift it seems," he said quietly. He looked once more up and down the street. Zoe watched as he shifted uncomfortably on his feet.

"Come on, sit down," she said, gesturing to the curb next to her. "I don't bite."

Evan exhaled, apprehensive, but did as asked. How the curb was freezing his ass through costumes and clothes, he had no idea, but it was more comfortable than standing on his feet a moment longer. They stole brief glances at each other as they sat on the curb together. He took only a moment to spiral about if he was idealizing her once more. Even if he was, this was still nice.

"I think I'm glad it was you," Zoe said suddenly.

Evan nearly choked on nothing. "Huh?"

"Blue, I mean. I'm glad Blue was you." Evan didn't know how to feel about this admission. "Not sure who I would've thought it could be, but all in all. You were a good person to be Blue."

"You had no idea who I was?" Evan asked, a little hurt by this in some small way he couldn't describe. Zoe didn't seem to pick up on this.

"No, none at all," she admitted candidly. "Granted I didn't have a good grasp on anybody other than Connor."

"So, you didn't know any of us?" Evan said, assuaged a little by this.

"Nope. I mean, I had some inklings but I was as shocked as anyone."

Evan nodded. Everybody had been at least a little surprised that night. Though, to Evan, the biggest surprise had been this. Sitting and sharing a conversation with Zoe herself. Not content to let the conversation peter out, he forced more words out of his mouth. "What sort of inklings?"

Zoe chuckled. "I mean, there was a period there where I thought Cronch was Matt Holzer"

"I mean I would've preferred that," Evan grumbled.

"Maybe but if it had been I probably would've murdered him," she joked.

Evan shrugged. "I wondered if FX was Sabrina Patel," he offered.

"Oh my god I can totally see that." Excited shouts from the house behind them pulled their focus for a few moments. As they looked back at each other they shared the same thought: the what-ifs of all the people their online chat friends could've been. They had wandered the party with these same thoughts, wondering who at the party they might see later at the fire pit. It certainly hadn't gone as planned, but Zoe at least was content. "I'm not mad that it's Alana."

"Me either."

"I think all things considered I'm glad we all are who we are. It feels right," she said confidently.

"No," Evan refuted. "It doesn't."

Zoe looked over at him cautiously. "I know you're frustrated. And not without good reason."

"Setting me aside—" he slashed a hand through the air "—you're telling me you're absolutely fine that your anonymous randomized chat room just so happened to have your brother in it?"

The question was direct in a way that Zoe had no idea Evan could be. Then again, she shouldn't have been too surprised. Blue could be awfully direct in chat.

"I'll admit I wasn't… thrilled when I realized I was sharing a chatroom with Connor. We've been at each other's throats as long as I can remember."

Evan waved his hand. "There you go."

Zoe exhaled audibly. "However, it also, weirdly, brought him back to me? It's been so bad for so long that I forgot that he's, like, a person. You know?"

Evan shook his head. "No, I don't."

"Eh. Siblings are confusing. And Connor hasn't exactly been consistent over the years."

"Exactly," Evan said. "Taylor has— You've talked about things in the past that just," he grasped for the word, "they just straight up sound awful. Like, full on abuse. And you're not the slightest bit upset at being in a chat room with him?"

A car that definitely should've had its headlights on but definitely did not screeched down the street like a bat out of hell, momentarily shocking both of them. Both had to take a second to catch their breath.

"He's my brother," she said shakily. "What can I say except for that you wouldn't get it unless you'd lived it?"

Evan looked out onto the street again. "Not much I guess."

"Yeah," she affirmed. They stared silently at the road. "I'm glad that we all were who we were," she restated. Then she looked at Evan. "But I think I'm most glad that you were you."

Evan's cheeks went pink. "I'm sorry I didn't say."

"We weren't supposed to," Zoe replied, confused.

"No, just… I'm sorry I never said anything in person." He chuckled. "Even just to tell you I liked the concert."

Zoe smiled. "You can tell me at the next one."

The sound of tires on pavement and approaching headlights from the right side of the street caught both their attention. Evan stood up and squinted. "Yep, that's my mom."

"Cool," Zoe said. "I'll see you around?"

Evan nodded. "I hope so."

He walked over to the car where his mom rolled down the window.

"Sweetie," Heidi said, voice full of concern, "is everything alright?"

Evan didn't have an answer for her. But as he looked at her, he realized something.

He spun back around to Zoe. "Do you need a ride home?"

Jared had closed his eyes when they'd gotten on the main roads; the lights made his head spin. He just wanted all sensation to stop entirely forever.

He wished Connor would stop mumbling to himself. "Do I want a chili cheese coney? Yeah I think that's the move." Would he shut up already?

"Hey—" Connor poked Jared, forcing his eyes open "—what do you want?" Jared stared around him, dumbfounded. They were already parked at Sonic. "Are you gonna throw up? Cause I'd rather you not— wait this is Zoe's car, I don't give a shit. Do what you want."

"I'm not gonna throw up," Jared whined. Having oriented himself, he squinted to try to see the blurry menu better. Whatever he wanted, he wanted a lot of it. The only sound as he stared at the menu was his heavy breathing.

"You okay dude—?"

"Triple sonic smasher combo," Jared interrupted, "large—"

"Medium," Connor argued.

"Large," Jared affirmed, "with tots on the side. Aaaaaaaaand uhhhhh a Dr. Pepper."

"Any flavor add ins?"

"All of them," Jared said, tired.

"You get one. Two if it's a really good combo."

Jared sighed and thought for a second. "Blackberry and vanilla," he finally said. He waited for Connor to ask him to pair it down.

"Fair enough," Connor said.

"And one of the fucken, uhhh, halloween blasts. Whatever the fuck they're calling it this year."

"As long as it's a small." For once, Jared didn't argue. Connor entered the order in the app. "You can venmo me later." Before he could pay he got two notifications

Zoe now
Hey did you take the car?

Zoe now
I just need to know so I can figure out a ride home if you did

He swiped the messages away. He wasn't interested in talking to Zoe right now.

It took a while for the food to come out; it was a Friday night and apparently they hadn't been the only teens with the idea to do a Sonic run. They did seem to be the only ones coming from a costume party. Jared was glad he had taken off the bed sheet back at the party. He was less glad to be sitting next to a very shirtless Connor Murphy. They had gotten a few strange stares already. Connor for his part, did not seem to notice.

"Screen just changed," Connor observed. "Food should be out soon. Wait," he said looking at a door on the side of the establishment opening. "Is this us?" As the boy got closer Connor affirmed "yeah, this is us." Connor rolled down the window.

"Triple smash burger combo and—" the boy serving them looked at Connor at this point and was momentarily dumbstruck by Connor's shirtless appearance. Connor finally seemed to realize he was shirtless in a semi public place.

"Oh. Shit." He briefly looked around with something to cover himself, but didn't find anything. "It was for a costume party," Connor said by way of explanation.

"Pyramid head," the server said, looking at the constructed head piece in the back. "Good costume." He gave Connor a once over. "Looks good on you I bet." Connor smirked.

Jared covered his face with his hand, sinking down into his seat.

"Right, triple smash burger combo and chili cheese coney combo?" the server said, handing the bag to Connor, who immediately plopped it into Jared's lap.

"Yep," Connor answered as he grabbed the drinks. "Thanks."

"No problem. You have a nice night now."

"Thanks." Connor rolled the window up again, reaching into the bag he had passed to Jared for his hot dog.

"I'm in hell," Jared muttered.

"Shut up and eat your food. Overdramatic ass."

The burger did smell really good. And the first bite…

"Oh my god," Jared moaned through bites.

"Alright, don't cream your pants," Connor said. Jared ignored him, or maybe he was just that caught up in the taste of the burger. It was only after most of the burger and half his tater tots were gone that Jared finally directly spoke to Connor.

"Aren't you cold?"

Connor turned to Jared, slightly surprised. "You're just jealous that I got hit on and not you."

"Could not be farther from the truth."

"Be honest, were you more uncomfortable because it was me or because it was a guy flirting with me?"

"Obviously because it was you, what does that question even mean?"

"Iunno. Some guys get weird when they realize they like guys."

"I don't want to talk about this."

Connor stared flatly at him. "Who else do you have to talk about it with?"

"Well, I'm certainly not talking about my gay awakening with you," he said, pointedly shoving the last of the burger in his mouth. He had to take a sip of his soda just to wash it down properly.

"Well why not talk about it with your bestest friend Hella?"

It was Jared's turn to give a blank look. "Hella and Cronch were not best friends."

"But they are friends," Connor said, admitting it even to himself. "Despite it all."

Jared got distracted by the laughter of teens from other cars. "Why Sonic?" Any subject change would do.

"I was hungry and I wanted to try to help sober you up," Connor said by way of explanation.

"Yeah, but why Sonic? We passed a Wendy's, a Taco Bell, Panda would've been amazing. So why Sonic?"

"I dunno," Connor said, considering. "It's just the place I go." He looked around. "So nicotine is an appetite suppressant. So you don't need to eat but you're still thirsty, and Sonic has the best drinks."

"Oh, hands down."

"Exactly. So it becomes the place to go. And then when you've got the munchies, if you're looking for like fast food shit, Sonic is the best for just about everything except chicken, specifically because it's like, not great quality but there's a couple options, including hot dogs." Jared, curiously enough, seemed to be paying attention. Or maybe he was still sobering up. Who knew? "And then some other drugs… just make you sick, you can't eat on them it feels like. But if you can get to Sonic…"

"Good drinks," Jared said, understanding.

"Not to mention I don't think any other fast food does like snacking better than Sonic."

"Hard disagree."

"Well, you're entitled to that opinion."

Jared started on his ice cream. "So why did you want to sober me up?"

"Huh?"

"You said you wanted to sober me up. Why?"

Connor racked his brain. Had he said that? "So you'd stop behaving like an ass, I guess."

"What's it to you if I behave like an ass?"

Connor was tired. He hardly understood what he was doing here himself. But he decided to answer as honestly as he could.

"I wanted tonight to go well. I didn't drink, didn't smoke, didn't do any of the shit I normally do. I wanted to be sober for this. And I still nearly started a fight with Zoe." Connor tried to choose his next words carefully. Unfortunately, careful word choice wasn't his strong suit. But he definitely tried. "I think if you had been sober, you might've been able to explain yourself. At least I don't think you would've let Evan interrupt you. Whatever reason you chose to drink, it absolutely ruined your chances of that going well. This thing is bigger than any one of us, bigger than any petty fight. And I think if we're going to fix it, you need to be sober."

Jared spun his spoon in his ice cream absentmindedly. "I think if we're going to fix this you need to talk with Zoe."

"Actually you're right we don't need to talk about this at all," Connor said, drowning his words with blue slush. The cold drink made him shiver. He'd give himself a brain freeze if he wasn't careful.

Jared reached down. "Here," he said, handing Connor his bedsheet. "This will keep you a little warmer. And cover up your tits. Win-win."

Connor felt oddly… something. He grabbed the bedsheet and wrapped it around himself. "Well it's definitely warmer. Still not covering up."

"I'm fucking begging you."

"Bask in the glory of the peak male form."

"Hey Evan?" Zoe asked interrupting the silence.

"Yeah?" he said, turning his head to look at her.

"Why did you sit in the back with me?"

A fair question. They'd been riding for a few minutes in silence, together in the back of his mom's old SUV, like kids tired from a playdate. Evan truly had no idea why.

"Well, it's simple," he started. "I just, um, I— uh," he gestured vaguely. "Panicked."

Zoe chuckled. She didn't mean to laugh at him, it was just so perfectly Blue. How had she not pieced it together sooner? Hearing him talk, there was absolutely no one else Blue could have been.

"Thanks again for driving me home, Ms. Hansen," Zoe said to Heidi through the rearview mirror.

"Call me Heidi," she said pleasantly, "and it's really no trouble. I can't believe your brother just stole your car like that."

"He didn't steal it," Zoe quickly clarified, "he just… borrowed it."

"Still, he left you to fend for yourself. What kind of brother does that?"

She sighed. "It's complicated."

"So how do you and Evan know each other?" Heidi asked, keeping the conversation going. Evan tried to not be mortified.

"Well, I think we've known about each other for a while, same school and all but it was about… seven, no, eight months ago?" —she turned to Evan in question— "that we became friends?"

"Friends?" Heidi asked, a little too excited.

"Oh my god," Evan murmured, turning away from the conversation.

"Yeah, our school started this new initiative that I think started out of, like, some anti-bullying thing? That was about breaking down the walls between cliques by putting handfuls of random students together. Evan and I met through that."

"If you've known each other for months, why didn't Evan ask you to sign his cast?"

"Mom!" came Evan's exasperated outburst.

"What? I think it's a fair question if you guys are so buddy buddy—"

"Please stop," Evan moaned.

"—Why wouldn't you ask?"

"Well," Zoe interrupted, "simply put I didn't know he was the one I was talking to until tonight."

Heidi mulled this over a second. "Wait, are you one of his online friends?"

"Oh hey look, we're here," Evan said. "Somewhere on this street, right Zoe?"

"Yep, the last one on this block," Zoe said, providing the necessary diversion. Heidi slowed to the curb. Evan looked in the driveway. He didn't see Zoe's car.

"Connor's not back yet," he whispered to Zoe.

Zoe sighed. "That or he parked in the garage. Too soon to say." She turned back to the front. "Thanks for driving me, Ms. Han— Heidi. I really thought I was going to have to walk home there for a second."

"Any time," she said.

"Bye Evan. See you at school?"

Evan nodded as she closed the door.

"So, one your little internet friends," Heidi said, expectantly. Evan didn't hear. He was watching Zoe walk up the driveway, a feeling a creeping sense of dread overtake him. Before he even knew what he was doing, he threw open the car door. "Evan," his mom protested, "what are you—?"

"Zoe!" he called up to her, ignoring his mom. Zoe turned back around as he ran up to meet her. "Are you gonna be okay? I mean, what are you going to do when Connor gets home?"

"I mean, that's for me and Connor to figure out." At that moment, both their phones rang.

Sound_Affects: Sound off. Where'd you guys go?

Evan ignored it. "I just mean… there's a lot going on with you two."

"Yeah. There is," Zoe agreed. "But, like, I'm fine. I feel good about it."

Evan looked intently. Her smile. Her posture. Her eyes.

"I wish you wouldn't lie to me about this."

Zoe's smile fell. "Look, whatever happens, Connor and I will figure it out. We still have to be siblings for the rest of our lives. I'm more worried about what you and Jared are going to do."

Evan looked away. "What's there to do? He's not my friend. He never was."

"I don't think you really believe that."

"But it's true. It's always been like this with him, tonight just… opened my eyes." He shook his head. "I don't want to talk to him ever again."

Zoe exhaled. "At least sleep on it before you make a decision."

"I don't need to—"

"Promise me," Zoe said firmly.

Evan took a deep breath. "Fine. I promise."

Zoe nodded. "Good." With that she walked the remaining steps to the garage and opened it. They both peered inside. "He's not home yet. Seems I have some time to figure this out." She wasn't trying as hard to hide her apprehension anymore.

"Yeah," Evan said. "I'll see ya."

"Yeah. See ya."

Evan trudged back to his car (getting in the passenger seat this time), where his mom had been patiently waiting.

"You know," she said, "I wanna hear the full story on this."

He thought about how close his mom was with Jared's family. "Trust me," he said definitively, "you don't."

Alana was trying her best to not completely panic, and considering that all four of her chatroom friends had completely disappeared from Chelsea's party without so much as a word, she thought she was doing a pretty good job. She kept her eyes peeled in case they were still there.

At the buzz from her phone, she rushed to pull it out, nearly dropping it in her haste. To her dismay, it was some nonsense notification from some random app that probably shouldn't even have notification permissions and not even one of her friends messaging back.

Someone tapped her shoulder and she spun around way faster than she meant to. It was just Chelsea.

"Hey, Alana." The tone Chelsea was using and the frown on her face indicated she wanted to have some kind of awkward conversation. Alana pretended not to notice.

"Hey, Chelsea. What's up?"

"There's no normal way to ask it, so I'm just gonna go straight for it: what the hell happened around the fire pit?"

Alana blanched. "The fire pit?"

"Yeah, I saw you talking there earlier tonight with Evan, Zoe and Connor, and Jared, and since then the vibe has gotten weird with the five of you, so I'm just wondering what happened?"

Alana frowned in return. "Sorry, but it's not really any of your business."

"I feel like it kind of is since it happened at my party, you know?"

"Not really, no. Are you going to ask everyone what they were talking about each second."

"Look, I don't mean to pry, but—"

"Clearly, you do."

Chelsea stared blankly at Alana and took a sharp breath through her nose. "Jared showed up already drunk, Evan was a nervous wreck the whole night, and Zoe promised me Connor wouldn't be awful tonight. And then after that Jared's even worse, Evan looks like he'll never come to another party again, and something clearly happened with Zoe and Connor."

"Look, I am… handling it, okay? It's not that big a deal, it's a party, there's bound to be some drama."

"You of all people should know how I feel about drama at my parties."

Alana scoffed. Of course that was what this was about. But she didn't have to take this from Chelsea. Not anymore.

"Alright, Chelsea, I'll admit it: I got too drunk two years ago and put you in an uncomfortable spot. But it was damage to my car that I paid for, the lamppost wasn't on your property, and you hadn't supplied the alcohol. Did you even get in trouble for that?" Before Chelsea could respond, Alana kept going, "furthermore, did you ever stop to ask why I was going so hard that night? Did you or your friends ever check on me or offer to wait with me to sober up? Did you ever think about it except for how it affected you and your reputation? And this, what's your half-considered excuse for why you need to know about this? You're pretending to be worried about them ruining the party, but have you even seen any of them in the past half hour?"

Chelsea stood there, face stony but clearly unsure what to say.

"Great party," Alana said coolly. "I'll see myself out of it."

When Alana had reached her car and shut the door, she took a moment to just scream and thrash for a second, angry at Chelsea, angry at Jared, Evan, even Connor, angry that nothing, nothing in her life seemed to go right. She barely saw the screen as she took out her phone.

Sound_Affects: Sound off so I know you're alive, jerks. Where the hell did you all go?

After throwing her phone into the passenger's seat, she took a breath. This was not the first time she had done something like this. She'd heard long ago that having a release of anger and anxiety every once in a while was good, healthy even. But right now, all that left her with was sadness. It wasn't supposed to go like this. She didn't even know what it was supposed to go like, but she knew it wasn't this.

Then, sounds from the passenger seat.

Taylors-Machine: Sorry, didn't mean to disappear
Taylors-Machine: Just got home
BlueLeaves: Mom picked me up.
Helluv4xWay2G0: just pulled up 2 jareds
Helluv4xWay2G0: couldnt let him drive like that

At least they were all okay.

Helluv4xWay2G0: look i know we gotta talk abt things
Helluv4xWay2G0: i dont think thats 2nite

"What is with the incessant dinging?" Jared asked. The world had started spinning again, and he rested his head on the window with his eyes closed all the way back from Sonic.

"FX— Alana wanted to know we're all okay. I answered for both of us."

"Or you could've not done that."

"Are you actually pissed at her, or is it just that she's the person who you can most reasonably be mad at?"

Jared groaned. "Does it matter?"

Connor considered. "A little, yeah. Since she didn't really do anything wrong."

"Still not talking about it," Jared said, sitting up and rubbing his eyes. "Oh. We're here."

"Yep." Connor pulled the bedsheet off of himself. "Uh. I appreciate you not letting me freeze."

Jared rolled his eyes. "Is the word 'thanks' really that hard to say?"

"Yes." Jared looked at Connor for a moment. He just needed another minute for his head to stop screaming at him. "You wanna make out?" Connor asked suddenly.

Jared's eyes widened. "Why on earth would I want that?"

"I dunno. You were staring at me a while there."

"I was staring and you happened to be in your general direction, I was not staring at you."

"Oh please, you've been checking me out all night."

"You're not even my type. You're so skinny you look like a light breeze could knock you over, and yeah you've got abs but abs are not everything. Pecs are much, much more compelling. I want people who look like real people, not like actors who have been starving themselves for weeks on a Marvel set to look ripped."

Connor smirked. "You think I look like an actor."

"How do you always manage to take the wrong thing from what I say?"

Connor looked away, almost… shy? "Plus I just figured, speaking from experience, it's better to try new things with friends rather than strangers. So long as the boundaries are clear."

"Again, are we even friends?"

"I mean. You got anybody better to try things out with?" Jared didn't respond. "Unless you're still thinking about that guy."

"What guy?"

"The guy you mentioned in chat, your crush. The guy you REALLY like because you're too cool to say love, complicated relationship guy who you refuse to tell, who you've known for…" Connor trailed off. Jared had been trying to muster the strength to get out of here, he had a hand on the door handle, he really needed to open the door and get out before Connor figured out— "Evan."

Jared stopped. "What?"

"It's Evan. The guy. Isn't it?"

"You're wrong," Jared said. "It's someone else."

"Who?"

"I don't want to tell you."

"Because it's Evan."

"No, because we don't know each other, Connor! We're not friends just because we wound up in the same chat room, and we're certainly not friends now that that veil has been torn."

Connor breathed heavily. "Then how the fuck do you explain what I've been doing all night, putting up with your shitty drunken behavior?"

"Oh, you're not trying to help me, you just don't want to deal with Zoe, you don't care about me and you never did."

"Then why was I worried you were dead when you disappeared on us? Huh? How do you explain that if we're not friends?"

The air hung heavy. He couldn't. Jared couldn't explain this night if he and Connor weren't friends. He couldn't explain the odd fondness he felt for Hella if they weren't. He couldn't explain a million tiny things. The only logical explanation was that they were friends.

"I'm sorry," Jared said quietly. "Not doing so well in the not-being-a-dick department, huh?"

"Nope," Connor agreed. He took a few seconds to let his own anger fall away, like leaves blown by the crisp autumn wind. "Why not just tell him?"

Jared sighed. He couldn't even try to deny it. "You know why. He's straight."

"So he likes a girl—"

"Not likes, obsesses over. Puts on a pedestal, his own words."

"So what? What does she have over you?"

"You of all people should know." But Connor didn't. Why did Jared assume he did? "Oh don't tell me you forgot."

"Forgot what?"

"The letter," Jared said. "The letter you saw that had a whole portion about—"

"Zoe," Connor said. "Evan's in love with Zoe."

"Wish you would stop putting things in terms of love but. Yeah. Pretty much."

"Fuck this is complicated."

"You're telling me."

"He won't date her if I have anything to say about it," Connor said, clenching a fist.

"And what would you even say? Who would you say it to? How would you make that conversation seem anything close to normal?"

Connor was stumped by this as well. "I haven't had a normal conversation in ages."

Jared bit his lip. "Me either."

"I'm trying to even think of the last time I interacted with Evan." Connor thought about it. "I think I saw him at the pool over the summer. He looked… lost. Like he was just waiting for someone to come up and talk to him. But no one did."

Jared sighed. Yeah, that sounded about right.

"He wants to talk to people," Jared finally confirmed. "Doesn't know how."

"Seems like Evan is the kind of guy where you need to talk to him first." Jared nodded. This he knew already. But would Evan hear him out after what happened tonight? "You know, I do remember him having some nice pecs—"

"I'm leaving," Jared said opening the car door and stumbling out.

"Hey, I'm serious," Connor said. "Whatever you want or don't want, you need to try talking with him."

"And you need to talk to Zoe," Jared said plainly.

"That's differently. She's my sister."

"All the more reason." Connor didn't seem convinced. "This thing is bigger than any one of us," Jared said, parroting Connor's words back to him, "bigger than any—"

"Yeah, yeah, any petty fight. God." Connor lingered. "I guess we're both fucked, huh?"

"Seems so. Metaphorically anyway."

"I mean if you wanted—"

"Good night, Connor," Jared said, heading towards his front door. "And good luck."

Connor was certainly going to need that.

Zoe had been lying awake in bed for hours. She listened as the wind buffeted her window. She listened for the last, dying calls of crickets from summer, and any birds that might happen by their house. Waiting in silence was agonizingly long. But that was better than any alternative.

So of course she heard the sound of the garage door opening. She heard clattering from downstairs. And she heard each heavy footfall that came up the steps and stopping right outside her room. Even if she'd been sleeping she would've heard the knock.

"Can I come in?" Connors voice asked slowly.

"What are you going to do if I let you in?"

"Talk. Sort some of this shit out."

"Talk or yell?"

The door opened. Zoe sat up.

"Talk. Mom and Dad don't need to hear any of this." At least he had put a shirt back on, Zoe thought wryly. Connor moved to close the door, and Zoe's mind raced.

"Leave it open," she blurted.

He looked between her and the door. "I don't want to have to whisper the whole time."

"Leave it open," she repeated. "Please."

Connor exhaled. "Fine." Zoe waited for Connor to start. It seemed like he was waiting for her to start. Zoe realized perhaps both of them were quite bad at talking to each other.

"I get that you're angry," she offered.

"Yeah. Understatement," he shot back, icy. "I spent half the night wondering how and why you infiltrated my stupid chat."

"It was random."

"Yeah. I know. And once I had convinced myself of that I tried to figure out why you didn't leave when you realized."

"Timing, mostly. Once I realized it was you, I decided it would be too suspicious to back out. You might've figured something out." Then, something broke through the defensive facade she wore during these discussions with Connor. "And they were my friends, too. Why should I have to give them up just because you were also there?"

Connor did not want to concede this point. He also didn't want this fight to last forever. "Okay, but you didn't have to be so hard on me in chat."

"I don't think I was. I'll admit the whole trying to get you to quit was not my finest moment, but—"

"No, not hard on Hella. Hard on me. Sharing stories about me with everyone."

Zoe blinked in confusion. "Yeah? Everyone shared stories about their lives. You shared stories about me and were less than kind about me."

"But I didn't know it was you."

"I still had to read them. And when I talked about you I tried to keep things honest. Biased, sure, but can you think of even one time I was dishonest or even unfair about how you behaved."

"Yes, plenty—" he took a step forward and Zoe flinched, leaning away from Connor.

"Stop!" She said, her ragged breath betraying how she was feeling.

"Like this!" he said, gesturing to her, "this 'afraid in your own home' shit. I get that I'm loud and angry, but when have I hurt you? What is this thing you're so terrified I'm gonna do?"

"You wanna know?" she asked, genuinely. "Do you really want to know or are you being rhetorical?"

Connor thought about it. He probably hadn't even known when he'd said it. But he knew now. "I wanna know." He took a step back. Figured giving her space was the better option.

Zoe collected herself. She went back to the edge of the bed and took some deep breaths.

"So I think you were a freshman and I was still in eighth grade. The details are… fuzzy, but Mom and Dada were gone at some dinner, I think, so it was just you and me. And you were upset over… something. And then I did something I think I," she gulped, "I think I changed the channel because it didn't seem like you were watching it, and you went off, and we started going at it. Typical." She tried her best to control her breathing. She needed to get through this. "What wasn't typical was you walking to the kitchen and grabbing one of the sharp knives from the block. And as you traced your finger on the edge you said something about how sharp it was. I told you to knock it off, but you didn't. You said something like 'I wonder how long it would take to cut through your throat.'"

She paused. "You'd never made a joke like that before," she whispered. Connor didn't recognize the Zoe sitting before him. Desperate and persistent and— frightened.

But she had to finish. She steeled her nerves and continued. "And I must have asked you to stop or something. Because I remember your reply verbatim. 'No, I'm serious. I mean, you'd probably pass out from blood loss, but I bet I could get the whole way through before you were actually dead.'"

The silence that hung between them lasted longer than the time Zoe spent waiting.

"Then, knife in hand, you took a step forward. And I ran. You were a foot taller than me and I really did not want to see which one of us was stronger. I ran straight to my room. I don't even think you were following me, but it didn't matter. I locked and barricaded the door and didn't come out until the next morning when I was sure Mom and Dad were home. And I never said anything."

Connor furrowed his brow. He grasped for the right words, but found hardly any. "I… I don't remember that," he whispered.

"I'm not shocked," Zoe breathed.

"No, I literally don't remember that."

"I'm just answering your question."

"Why didn't you tell mom and dad?"

"And risk you trying to make good on that threat? I just… avoided you. Then avoided being alone in the house with you. Stay in my room when I can't. Lock the door when I went to sleep. It was all I could to to just calm my anxiety."

Connor didn't know how to feel about any of this. "You didn't lock the door tonight," he observed.

"Yeah."

"So. What do we do now?"

"Right now I'm tired. I think I need some sleep. You too, probably." Connor nodded. "But after that, I don't know. Depends on what you want. Depends on what you remember when you wake up and how much you want to talk about. Depends on a lot."

Connor figured that was the best answer he was going to get right now. He turned around.

"I don't regret it," Zoe said. "Any of it. I don't regret having the chance to talk to you like a normal human. And whatever happens next, I'm glad I got to meet this version of you."

Connor didn't know what to say to that. He closed the door behind him.

Zoe took a few more breaths, and when she was ready, she turned off the light.