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It wasn’t the first time that Jungkook had done this. He’d practiced it countless times with and without Namjoon there to hype him up. He’d performed this in front of a crowd three times already, and he knew he’d ace it. If Jungkook was honest, he missed being able to rap, so he was excited when they’d decided that it’d be fun if the vocal line took the rappers’ verses during Ddaeng. None of the members bothered asking for Namjoon’s verse, Jungkook’s eyes already locked with Namjoon’s, pleading. Namjoon shot a fond smile back at Jungkook across the meeting room table, his dimple popping out as he nodded, confirming that not only would he let Jungkook take his verse, but also confirming to Jungkook that he would forever be the love of Jungkook’s life.
“Jungkook-ah can have mine.” Namjoon says when the discussion dies down, the other members each raising an eyebrow.
“No one else would even try, Jungkookie. You’re safe.” Jimin winked at Jungkook, who couldn’t even feel embarrassed as he grinned back triumphantly, feeling his heart race with excitement.
Backstage, in front of one of the dressing room mirrors, Jungkook looks at himself. He smiles as he looks back at himself, imagining the fourteen-year-old Jungkook that would’ve probably broken down crying and refused if he knew that he was about to share the stage with Namjoon. Not only was he sharing the stage with Namjoon, but he was about to rap one of his most iconic verses. He chuckled at himself, remembering how he felt about Namjoon back then. His heart was so full of admiration and wonder whenever he watched Namjoon rap or speak English. He’s honest with himself and will finally admit he followed Namjoon like a lost puppy, but Namjoon really was the most handsome and sculptured man he’d ever seen in his life. Jungkook would happily still say that about Namjoon now. The love that Jungkook felt for Namjoon back then never really went away, it evolved and grew alongside them. It was less of a raging fire, but more of a comfortable flame simmering whenever he looked at Namjoon doing the simplest of things; performing, pouting as he worked on music, or when he frowned at himself as he watched himself in the mirror as he danced.
Although there was about an hour before they’d perform Ddaeng, Jungkook couldn’t help himself by muttering through Namjoon’s verse once more before one of their staff ushered him to join the others that were getting into position to go on stage. Walking into the prop that was built as a makeshift “magic shop”, he felt a comforting squeeze on his shoulder that felt far too familiar. Jungkook could easily tell the difference between all of the members’ touches, but this one was different. His stomach erupted with butterflies as he turned to see Namjoon behind him smiling.
“You’ll do well, Kook-ah.” He whispered, removing his hand from Jungkook’s shoulder and moving into his position in the prop. Jungkook stood there for a moment, cursing himself for acting like such a teenager about Namjoon giving him a reassuring shoulder squeeze. He collected himself and shot Namjoon a confident smile, nodding and moving into his own position. No matter how many times that Namjoon would simply wish him luck, or assure him that he’ll do well, the butterflies don’t seem to rest. He tries not to focus on his pre-concert nerves or the fact he’s desperately in love with Namjoon, and takes a moment to focus on the sound of the VCR playing and the crowd cheering as the prop lifted them up on stage.
Jungkook takes a moment to look out into the crowd, trying to take in as many faces as possible and remember them. The backing track of 2!3! is playing, and ARMYs are singing along loudly and waving frantically, greeting the boys onstage. He mouths along to the words and smiles out into the crowd, watching them sing and enjoy themselves. The tune to HOME begins and Jungkook switches instantly into performance mode, clearing his mind of everything and anything that isn't dancing, singing or ARMY. He knows that for the next few hours, he'll be full with adrenaline, exhaustion but also bursting with love for these moments he gets to share with fans.
Before he knows it, they're slipping on the robes ready to perform Ddaeng. What feels like a second later, him and Namjoon are getting into place facing each other as Namjoon starts their verse. They go back and forth before Jungkook takes the reigns, launching into the rap. Namjoon bounces around the stage behind Jungkook, hyping him up as he spits the clever word plays that Namjoon wrote. He feels on top of the world and the crowd erupts around him, bowing as he finishes the verse.
---
“Actually, I feel kinda sad today. I’m just having that kind of day with my mood. But I can’t go up on stage feeling like this, so I asked myself ‘what should I do?’ Then, before coming out for HOME, Taehyung asked me, ‘what if today was the last day of our lives?’ So when I heard that, I thought, ‘it would be fine’. That thought boosted my mood, so I forgot about the sad thoughts. When I come up on stage, you guys are magic to me. I’m having a great time with you, and I didn’t think about anything else, I’ve been really excited and having fun ‘til the end, just these moments only are enough for me. I feel really sad because time passes by, but we did our very best together, and I think that’s enough. I sincerely love you, thank you.” Namjoon spoke into the mic, the screams and cheers erupted as soon as he bowed his head and brought the mic away from his lips.
Jungkook stood next to Namjoon, watching Namjoon's lips move but feeling like nothing around him in this moment truly existed apart from Namjoon as he speaks the words that he'd had a bad day. All logic fled from Jungkook’s brain, and he stood shocked, his hurt painting its own picture on his face. His eyebrows furrowed and he tuned out as he saw Namjoon continue talking, but couldn't hear a word over the loud static going on in his brain. The thought of any of his hyungs feeling upset or hurt caused Jungkook deep worry and hurt in himself, but when it's Namjoon , Jungkook doesn't know what to do with himself.
The worst part about this entire situation was that Namjoon had only recently become his boyfriend. For years, Jungkook had put on blast his feelings for Namjoon while they awkwardly tiptoed around each other. After years of fond smiles, awkward hugs and quiet, comforting reassurances, Namjoon confessed to Jungkook how he felt. The entire world already knew at this point that Jungkook's moon was hung by Namjoon, and when Jungkook tried to tell Jimin and Taehyung that they'd confessed to each other, they both snorted and burst into laughter.
"You mean Namjoon hyung confessed to you ? You couldn't hide your feelings for him even if you tried." Taehyung says, cuddling Jungkook tightly and planting a kiss on the top of his head. "I'm happy for you."
"Me too, Jungkookie. You both deserve it." Jimin added, ruffling Jungkook's hair and pinching his cheek as he was wrapped in Taehyung's grasp.
But right now, Jungkook's boyfriend was feeling down and he didn't tell Jungkook about it. Jungkook found out about his boyfriend being upset on stage alongside sixteen thousand other people.
Jungkook's mind goes from one to a hundred.
I don't make Namjoon happy.
--
He doesn't mention it on the way home, trying to act as normal as possible. Jungkook often gets the blues after finishing a tour, or in this case, finishing a round of muster performances, so the other members do their best not to bother him if he's like this because they know what he's like. Jungkook prays that no one says anything, as he's unsure if he can keep it together enough to lie about it. He curled into his seat in the back of the car and lightly drifted off as they drove back, lulling in and out of dreams of Namjoon leaving him in different scenarios.
When they arrived back, he slumped straight to his bedroom, hoping that he'd made a safe escape. He snuck glances at Namjoon as he slid straight past the living area where the other members were gathered on the way to his bedroom. He noticed there was confusion and hurt on Namjoon's face, and he averted his eyes immediately. The thought that he could be the reason that Namjoon is hurting any more than he possibly is already wasn't something Jungkook could bear to handle. Everything felt overwhelming to him, and he needed to lie in bed and cry some frustration out.
He knew he was being selfish, making the entire situation about him. They were still new together, figuring out each other when it came to being lovers. Namjoon didn't need to tell him, Jungkook knew this. Running through everything in his head as he was tucked in his bed in the dark made Jungkook feel even worse. He felt selfish and immature, and angry that he was being so irrational about everything regarding Namjoon right now. The image of Namjoon's hurt face as he didn't even say goodnight to his hyungs as he went to bed flashed through Jungkook's mind, and the first tear fell silently. He sighed and let the tears slide down his face naturally, closing his eyes and accepting the hurt. He deserved this, he thought.
A light tap at the door that he recognised as Namjoon's brought him back to reality as he sat up quickly, trying to wipe away his tears.
"Two seconds." Jungkook says, taking a deep breath to prepare himself for the inevitable. He flicked the switch for his lights and dimmed them. "Come in."
The door slowly opened and Namjoon stood at Jungkook's doorway. The lighting in the room made it difficult to fully read Namjoon's face, meaning that Namjoon probably wouldn't be able to notice that he'd been crying.
"Can I join you?" Namjoon whispered, looking lost in Jungkook's doorway.
"Please never ask that again." Jungkook whined quietly, rolling over and holding the duvet open for Namjoon to crawl into. Namjoon shut the door and climbed into Jungkook's bed, instantly wrapping his arms and legs around Jungkook like a koala.
Namjoon sighed, "Hmph," his voice muffled by his face being squished against Jungkook's side, "Missed you. Need you."
Jungkook breathed out, trying to calm his breathing. "Hyung." His voice cracked.
"Baby?" Namjoon sat up, searching Jungkook's face. "You've been crying?" He stroked his thumb over Jungkook's half-dried cheeks.
"I can't talk about it, hyung." Jungkook sniffled, feeling the tears coming back, hating himself for being too emotional and immature about this. "Why can't I compose myself around you?" Jungkook sighed, feeling the tears slip out and closing his eyes tightly. He couldn't look at Namjoon right now, he felt pathetic.
"Hey, hey. Baby, what's going on? I'm here."
"No," Jungkook cried, "you're the one that's upset. I'm being selfish."
"Having feelings doesn't make you selfish. And I'm not upset, baby. I'm happy. I'm with you."
The words struck Jungkook, and he felt his heart shatter into what felt like a million pieces.
"Please don't say that."
"Sweetheart, please talk to me." Namjoon wrapped his arms around Jungkook and held him against his chest. "Did I do something wrong?"
Jungkook's crying turned into a quiet wail. Namjoon rubbed Jungkook's back and fed his fingers through Jungkook's hair, comforting him until he calmed down.
"You're okay, baby." Namjoon whispered against Jungkook's ear.
"I don't deserve this." Jungkook muttered against Namjoon's chest.
"Deserve what?"
"You."
"Please talk to me, Jungkook-ah. I'm worried. Did I do something?" Namjoon leant back, looking down at Jungkook until Jungkook made eye contact with him. Namjoon's gaze comforting and warm.
Jungkook took a deep breath and sat up. He takes a moment to breathe and says, "You did nothing wrong, hyung. That's the problem. Please don't think this is your fault, it's all mine." Facing himself to finally look at Namjoon in the eyes, he noticed that Namjoon was patiently waiting for him to talk. Namjoon slid his hand to rest over the top of Jungkook's, testing whether Jungkook felt okay with being touched. When Jungkook relaxed slightly as he felt Namjoon's hand brushh his, he turned Jungkook's hand over and slid his fingers between Jungkook's, squeezing his hand to let him know that he was here and that he was listening.
He continued, "Okay. Don't judge me. I know you won't, but I felt like I needed to say that." Namjoon smiled at Jungkook, holding back the fond laughter he'd usually let slip whenever Jungkook acted cute. "I was upset because you were upset."
They sat in silence for a moment, Namjoon's eyebrows furrowed as he looked at Jungkook. Jungkook could see the hurt on his face, could see the cogs turning in his brain as he thought that Namjoon was currently in the process of trying to blame himself. "I told you it's not your fault." Jungkook says, and Namjoon nods, squeezing Jungkook's hand. He blinked himself out of his thoughts and shook his head, nodding towards Jungkook to let him know he was ready to continue listening.
"I was upset because I didn't know you were upset, and not only were you upset, you didn't even tell me that you were upset. I'm sorry." Jungkook bit his lip, feeling embarrassed to be admitting this.
"I'm sorry, Jungkook-ah. I didn't want you to worry about me."
"Hyung, you know that I always worry about you, whether that's on your terms or not."
"Exactly." Namjoon smirked, "It was nothing. I was just having one of those days where it feels like nothing will cheer you up, you know? I didn't want you to feel bad if you weren't able to make me feel better." He squeezed a little again.
Jungkook felt small, "I felt like you were upset because I don't make you happy."
Namjoon looked hurt again. He whispered, "Baby."
"I'm stupid and selfish, I know. I've already said."
"No. No, hey. You're not. Don't talk like that, please." Namjoon took his free hand and lightly cupped Jungkook's cheek, "Can I say something?"
Jungkook nodded, squeezing Namjoon's hand back.
"You make me the happiest I could possibly ever be in my life. I've felt extremely lost for a huge portion of my life, the pressure of our career and being unsure about my sexuality, struggling with my mental health..it's just been a lot. When I'm with you, I feel safe. I feel grounded. I feel like, I don't know? I've found where I need to be, where I should be. You make me feel euphoric, Jungkook. I've basically forced you to sing the love song I wrote for you, and there is no one else that I'd ever want to sing those lyrics. Coming to terms with how I feel about you was the best thing that's ever happened to me, it answered a lot, and I knew that I could trust both you and myself if I fell in love with you."
Namjoon felt a tear hit his hand again, and Jungkook was crying, his eyes locked on Namjoon. "Not if. I did. I mean, Jungkook, I am. I am. I'm in love with you. I love you, Jeon Jungkook."
Jungkook was blubbering, unable to form a response. He felt overwhelmed and didn't know how he was supposed to act after the love of his life admitted to him for the first time that he loves him.
"H-hyung.." Namjoon's face dropped from the shy confidence he held before as he watched Jungkook fall apart in front of him. "I love you, hyung. I love you, too." He smiled, slipping his fingers from Jungkook's hand and taking Jungkook into his arms as they cried together.
Namjoon smiled, loving the way it felt to say the words out loud after so long. He repeatedly whispered the phrase and took breaks to kiss the top of Jungkook's hair until the tears stopped, wrapped up in each other's embrace, forgetting that the outside world existed.
After a short while, Jungkook whined. "I'm tired."
"Okay baby, bedtime?" Namjoon felt Jungkook nod against him and chuckled. He let go of Jungkook to turn off the lights and got into position behind the little spoon already in position waiting to be held. "I love you." He smiled once more, kissing Jungkook's ear and wrapping his arms around Jungkook's waist.