Chapter Text
Are you not entertained
And if you are
Why don't you make it rain on our ass…
… It's The Adventure Zone.
~~~~
An intercom message at three in the morning wakes them all up with a start.
"Would the Reclaimers Burnsides, Highchurch, and… Taako, please report to the briefing room."
"Aw, man," their roommate mumbles into his pillow. "What a bummer. I was just gettin' those good z's." He pulls a small potion flask out from under his head. "I dunno why I keep these under here," he says. "It's very uncomfortable."
It's been around three weeks since Magnus, Taako, and Merle got their bracers. The room they're sleeping in is a humble dormitory provided by the Bureau of Balance, housing two bunk beds and not very much else, not even windows. The Director called it an 'entry-level' room. They get on decently well with their roommate, at least; he's a halfling named Robbie, but from the very first moment they met and Robbie asked them to grab him some pringles, all the three adventurers know him as is the affectionate on-the-nose nickname Pringles. Choosing bunks had also been a surprisingly low-key affair; Pringles already had one of the top bunks, so after some very polite discussion ('I'll choose after you, my friend'; 'no, no, you go first, I insist!') Taako took the other top bunk so he would have some space to sleep in the way that elves sleep — which is to say, not at all, because it's more of a deep meditative state. Evolutionarily, it's meant to ensure elves are ready for any surprise that pops up in the middle of the night. Taako, in true Taako fashion, has on an intricate set of onesie pyjamas that would serve little to no purpose during a surprise attack except to ensure that he'll die right away.
"Yo, Pringles," says Magnus, instantly on his feet and grabbing his clothes. "Can I get one of them potions before we leave?"
"Um… what do ya need, what's your poison?"
"Give me your crunchiest potion."
"He's gonna want something that attracts dogs," Merle murmurs, still half-asleep.
"I've got — 's called my Hair of the Dog potion. It won't attract dogs so much as it'll get you just real fucked up." Pringles digs under his pillow again and gives Magnus a small sampler vial, which Magnus slips into a pocket of his bag.
"D'you think, while you're out — some pringles, maybe?"
"You got it, dude."
They head to the briefing room, all still in their nightclothes, all carrying their daypacks. The Director is in there when they enter, looking as impeccable as she always does, reading from a large and dusty tome. It looks a bit like the scroll they saw the monk carrying to the Voidfish when they first arrived at the Bureau of Balance, only bigger. She's sitting over a large map that shows the landmasses of the world below, and whatever she's reading, it's clearly frustrating her. She puts the parchment down with a little more force than necessary and looks up at them.
"What," she says, "are you wearing. What is — what are you wearing?"
"What are you wearing?" replies Magnus.
"I'm wearing my full business regalia."
"Cool."
"You got ink underneath that thing?" asks Merle.
"And the three of you look like little nemos. Merle, I can see… three quarters, to four fifths, of your entire butt."
Merle's pyjamas have a butt flap in the back, and Merle has been too tired to think of fixing it.
"I'm sorry," Merle grunts. "I'm cheating you of one fraction."
"This," says Taako proudly, "is my sleepy sack! I get night terrors."
"The three of you will need to —"
"Somebody unzip me!"
"— the three of you are going to need to suit up in record time into your business regalia, because I have a mission that I need you on right now."
"Give me, like, forty-five minutes?" Magnus asks.
"We don't have forty-five minutes. At most, I can give you four."
"OK." Magnus immediately starts changing into the clothes he has folded in his day pack.
"Mere hours ago," the Director goes on, "one of our Reclaimers, a brave soldier named Leeman Kessler, was murdered in the city of Rockport."
"Aw," says Magnus, sounding maybe 60 percent genuine. "Bummer."
"His murder came at a most inopportune time, because he managed to locate —"
Against any sane person's better judgement, Taako laughs. "When would a murder come at an opportune time?"
"It came at a most inopportune time, because he had just managed to locate and retrieve one of the Grand Relics."
"His murder came at an opportune time," Magnus jokes. "He'd done everything he wanted to with his life! Surrounded by family —"
"— who watched solemnly as an assassin came in," says Taako, "and buried a knife in his heart —"
"— and everyone agreed, it was the right time for that to happen!"
The Director patiently waits for them to finish, and then patiently waits for them to wilt slightly under her even stare. Then she continues. "Last night, we received a missive, telling of his success. But before we could extract him, a thick fog set in over Rockport, which prevented us from sending a sphere to collect him and the Relic. There is a commuter train that operates out of Rockport, that runs from Rockport through the Teeth, the mountain range that separates the continent below, and ends in Neverwinter where we could, more safely and discreetly, extract him. He managed to secure passage on this train, and loaded his cargo onto the train. But before it could depart, he was murdered. Which is leaving us in quite a sticky situation."
"Do we know anything about the murderer?" Magnus asks. "Or how it actually went down?"
"We know nothing. We haven't been able to get into contact with the authorities, and even if we could, there's not much information we could tell them. It could lead to… I don't know, it could lead to a very difficult situation for us. We can't explain what he was doing there, why he was murdered. But we don't even know why he was murdered, because ostensibly, no one would know about the Grand Relic, unless they were in the Bureau of Balance. We have a lot of unknowns."
"Do we know the status of the Relic right now?" Taako asks.
"It's on the train, as far as we know. And that is where the three of you come in. We will need one of you — it's up to you to decide whom —"
"Dibs!"
"O…K. That was fast. We will need one of you to impersonate Leeman —"
"Double dibs."
"— Leeman Kessler. I have secured two other tickets on the train, so all three of you can board, but one of you will need to be Leeman Kessler. You will need to retrieve the Relic, and get it back to us any way that you can."
"What did Leeman look like?" asks Merle.
Taako nods. "Yeah, what race was he?"
"Leeman was a half-elf man, but there's no guarantee that the operators of the Rockport Limited even know what he looked like. He could have secured his ticket in advance. So it's up to you. Any one of you can be Leeman, whoever has the… I guess the most panache, the most flair for the dramatic, whatever it takes. We'll need you to make believe. Make pretend. Like a couple of actors. Or — just one actor."
"What will the other two be doing?" asks Merle.
"The other two will be ensuring that the new Leeman Kessler, the fresh-off-the-block Leeman Kessler, isn't murdered. Because obviously someone's going around murdering Leeman Kesslers. This will be also a security job. You don't have to figure it out right now —"
"If somebody needs a bodyguard," Merle cuts in, "I'll be Leeman, so our best fighter is able to protect me and our best magician is able to protect me."
Taako looks at Merle, surprised. "Ooh."
"As opposed to all of our other magicians?" says Magnus, laughing.
"Well, that's semantics," Taako retorts, looking highly pleased with himself.
Magnus shakes his head and turns back to the Director. "What can you tell us about the artifact?"
In the three weeks Taako, Magnus, and Merle have spent at the Bureau of Balance, they've learnt a little more about the Relics, though not nearly as much as they hoped. Because the Relics have changed hands so many times, verified information is low on the ground. Many Bureau employees don't even know what the other Relics are, let alone where one could find them, and if the Director has any more of a clue, she's never seen fit to share. What they do know is that each of the seven Relics is associated with a different school of magic. The Phoenix Fire Gauntlet, for example, is — was — from the Evocation School of magic.
"We don't know," the Director answers Magnus, looking a little frustrated about this. "We know we collected an artifact, but if that missive had been intercepted in the air, with that incredibly valuable and dangerous information, it could have fallen into enemy hands. So we purposefully keep it vague."
"Why does that matter? All anyone else would see is — whatever static looks like, I guess."
"You can never be too careful, Magnus."
"Well, great. One more question before we go — how do the gauntlets work?"
"The what now?"
"The gauntlets. The — bracers."
"Oh! You just point and click."
"OK, cool. Where's Killian? Is she going to come with? I'd feel better if she were there."
"Killian is a Regulator. She cannot go with you on a Reclaiming mission."
"Can we signal for her if we get in trouble?"
"The only way you will signal for her is if you find the artifact and then use it. That signal, yes, will sound off, and then she will come, but not for — hang time. She will kill all of you."
"OK, fine," Magnus grumbles.
"Let's do it," says Merle, his voice and demeanour a determined grunt. "Let's go change clothes."
Magnus straps on the last of his armour. "I'm good," he says. "I'm already changed."
The Director looks at Magnus for a moment, as if just realising he'd been changing directly in front of her. She opens her mouth to say something, and then appears to think better of it.
"Are you going to fire us out of a cannon?" Taako demands.
The Director smiles. "We absolutely are going to fire you out of a cannon."
The only reason their responding cheers sound genuine and enthusiastic is that each of them independently decided, years ago, that half-assing things out of fear and caution is a lot less funny and a lot less fun than diving in ass-first whenever the opportunity arises.
~~~~
"What's uuup?" asks Pringles as they walk in to the dormitory so Taako and Merle can change. He lowers his voice to a stage whisper, which, for those of you familiar with stage acting, you will know can often be louder than a shout. "Secret mission?"
"Hey," says Merle at a more normal volume, "do you have any disguise potions?"
"Naw. I got a rusted root."
"I'll take it," says Magnus.
"Why d'you guys need a disguise potion? My potions aren't necessarily, um…"
"… useful?" Merle suggests.
"Yeeeah. They're not utilitarian in nature. Unless the utility you want is to get… real fucked up."
"I'll take one," Magnus says.
"I can't just keep giving you guys my potions —"
"I'll bring you back a rusted root."
"If you guys actually bring me back a rusted root, I can throw in a mortar and pestle, and whip up a potion that's never been invented yet."
"Great," says Merle. "We'll do it."
Once they've gotten changed and gotten all their various equipment settled on the various parts of their persons — Merle with his earring, warhammer, Bible, and scuttle buddy, Magnus with his Railsplitter and gauntlet, Taako with his umbrella, two rings, and Wand of Switcharoo — they report to the hangar for departure. There's nearly no one there, because most people are asleep, because most people haven't been assigned secret 3 am missions. In fact, the only person who seems to be on duty is Avi, the guard who greeted them with the brandy flask when they first arrived. Magnus takes the small Hair of the Dog potion Pringles gave him out from his bag and downs the whole thing, because whatever getting shot out of a cannon entails, he's pretty sure he doesn't actually want to be cogent for the whole thing.
Immediately, he forgets how to speak.
"Hey guys," says Avi as they approach the edge of the hangar, looking genuinely delighted to see them. "What's up?"
"Avi," slurs Magnus, "'m real fucked up."
"Oh. Dang. What — what happened to this guy?"
"Hair of the dog bit him," Merle explains, while Taako giggles off to the side.
"You know you're not really supposed to get into one of these if you're… I mean, I won't tell, just —"
"It'll be fiiiiiiiiiiine," Magnus assures him, extremely confidently.
"… OK. You, uh. You kind of sound like some kind of wolf man."
"It's totally cooool, dude."
"Why — why is it whisper time?"
"Shhhhhhhhhhh."
"OK."
"Avi. Avi. Avi."
"Yeah?"
"Avi. … You're great."
"Thank you. Yes. Thank you for that."
"I think you're a cool duuude. Avi."
"Yep?"
"Avi. D'you wanna go on a mission?"
"I can't. I'm not — I can't. It's not my job."
"OK, we'll meet you down there."
"Well, I won't be able to —"
"Avi. Be cool for two seconds."
"I… I think I'm being pretty cool."
"Just — Avi —"
"Yeah?"
"Shhhhh shh shh shh. Be cool for two seconds."
"OK."
"We'll see you down there. Shh. Avi. It's a secret mission. Shh. Shh. Shhhhhhhhhh. We'll see you down there. Wink."
"He'll be okay," Merle says, trying to reassure Avi properly. "We've got him."
"Well, it seems like he's having a great time. I'd wink back, but I can't. Never learnt how!"
"Do you have any brandy we can take with us though?" asks Taako.
"No, I don't. It's like… three in the morning. I'm gonna actually cut you guys off."
Taako and Magnus immediately object. "You're cut off!" says Magnus in what he probably thinks is Faerun's greatest insult to date.
"I don't — you don't have to go home, but you can't stay here, because I'm about to fire you out of a cannon. Have you guys used one of these before? Is this your first time getting shot?"
"Well, obviously we've been blasted before," Merle answers, gesturing at the other two, and then again at Magnus for emphasis. "No cannons, though."
"OK. Well, it's pretty easy, guys. Just hop in —"
Magnus gets in.
"— it's the same type of sphere that you guys came into the Bureau on, same sort of situation. Four chairs, with straps, for you to lock in on. And, uh… yeah."
Magnus lays down on the two chairs in the back and almost immediately falls asleep.
"Ooh," says Avi, "careful, man. If you do that, you'll definitely die."
"Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh."
"Just let him," says Merle. "Don't worry, I'll strap him in. I'll buckle him in in both seats."
"… OK."
"Why is this a thing?" Taako demands, as his anticipation drives his fear up to snappy levels. "Can we just get in the fucking cannon or what?"
Merle laughs. "Taako wants action."
"I want action! I want out of this place!"
"OK," says Avi, "so there's one seat that is something like a captain's seat, which somebody will need to be in charge of."
Magnus raises his head. "I got it!"
"No," says Merle firmly. "No, man. Don't drink and drive. Don't drink potions and drive. Taako, want to be in charge of the landing?"
"Mmmmmnnnnnnnnnnn…"
"Get up there, big boy."
"Well, I mean — OK. I guess it makes sense. I'll take the reins."
"Well, there's not really reins to speak of," Avi tells him. "You're gonna want to sit in this chair up front, and there's a handle that you're gonna feel — you feel that? On the left side?"
"Yeah, right there."
"He's feeling his handle," Merle says, chortling, as he buckles himself into the other seat.
"Yucko," says Taako. "Moving on."
Magnus, in the back, goes: "I got that!"
"What do I do with the totally nonsexual handle?" Taako asks Avi.
"This is super important," says Avi. "Before this thing hits the ground —"
The door slides shut.
"Yougottapullthehandle!" Avi yells through the thick glass wall, barely audible and barely understandable. "Pullthetotallynonsexualhandlerightbeforeithitstheground!Orelseyou'regonnadie!OKbye!"
"Got it!" Taako gives him a thumbs-up.
"What was that?" asks Merle.
"Probably Avi."
"OK. Kick it! Floor it!"
The sphere rolls into a large tube, and Magnus, for some reason, starts laughing uncontrollably. A hatch behind them slams shut. It's completely pitch-black inside the tube, no light filtering in through anywhere, until they feel the tube begin to descend with them inside it. A small aperture pinpoint of light opens up in front of them.
"Please put your head flush with the back of the chair," says a disembodied voice, "so you don't break any of your neck bones. I'm the flight safety person, and good luck. Departure in three… two… one…"
"What?"
The sphere is flung forward at a velocity the three adventurers might previously have considered unsurvivable. It arcs high into the air, then falls very very fast toward the ground at a wide angle, somewhere vaguely in the direction of Rockport as well as many square acres of swampland.
No prizes to whoever guesses where the sphere is going to end up landing.