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Shen Wei stands at Kunlun’s latest grave. He hasn’t yet seen the new infant that Kunlun has reincarnated into; that will be his next stop after here. Kunlun’s soul always shines so brightly that it’s impossible for Shen Wei to ignore, no matter how much he tells himself to keep away.
These bones that Kunlun has left behind are in no danger from Shen Wei’s ghostly nature. And so he lets himself visit before time and the elements erode them away. There are other grave sites that have been abandoned, neglected, and there is no trace that a human had ever been interned there. Shen Wei still visits those sites when the maudlin feelings overwhelm him.
But here the grave is fresh, the dirt barely settling down, and Shen Wei lets himself miss Kunlun. He flicks out his robes and sits before the grave to talk.
“I’m glad this life was kind to you,” Shen Wei says. Not all of Kunlun’s lives have been good, something that pains Shen Wei, because he only wants Kunlun to have happy human lives. But that was never the promise he made with Shennong back then and he was too naive to realize it. And so Kunlun suffers for it without knowing his sins.
Shen Wei can only watch from afar, too terrified to get close to him and repeat the tragedy of Shen San.
“It’s not easy to be a gentle and proper figure but I’m getting better at it,” Shen Wei says, a note of pride in his voice. There are too many times still where he wants to devour that which is in front of him, to demolish and carve apart the issue that rise before him. And each time he swallows that desire down so he can approach the situation with a calm mind and rational words.
He prefers this path, and he wants to think that he would have found it on his own sometime. But no one can say such things and Shen Wei doesn’t bother in indulge himself in unwalked paths. He fiddles with the edge of his sleeve as he thinks about what more he wishes to say.
“I can’t say I think you would like what you see before you but perhaps...perhaps you would be?” Shen Wei smiles, a small bitter thing that’s more a twist of his lips than a true smile. Kunlun would probably not like seeing such an expression on his face. But he’s not here to say. “Perhaps you would be proud of me. I would be very happy if you were.”
There’s no answer, of course, but Shen Wei never expects one. It is enough to sit here before Kunlun’s corpse and babble to it. Even this is an indulgence that Shen Wei has no right to but since it doesn’t harm anyone he allows it for himself.
Shen Wei doesn’t move, eyes closed as he breathes in the fresh burial dirt and the grass around him. There are distant noises coming from the town that he can hear but it’s pleasant background noise, reminding him that there is still life around.
His heart is not quite content but there is some measure of peace here. A world without Kunlun by his side is just as lonely as he feared it would be. But he has a goal, a task, and for Kunlun he can keep on enduring it. All he needs is a few moments to soothe the ache of his incomplete and monstrous soul.
“Hello,” a woman’s voice calls out.
Shen Wei’s eyes snap open and he bolts to his feet, his heart pounding as he fights the urge to flee. He stands up to face the woman, recognizing her instantly. Her name is Wang Yan and she was married to this incarnation of Kunlun for twelve years. They married young and so she’s only in her early forties. Shen Wei imagines there are men salivating at the chance to propose to the new widow.
She is repulsively beautiful still, large eyes and a strong body that bore equally strong children. Shen Wei’s ugly heart writhes in jealousy. He should be glad that Kunlun had a pretty bride, but instead he fights back the urge to claw her face apart, as if that would change anything at this point.
Kunlun is dead and Wang Yan means nothing to Shen Wei now. He slows the instinctive rage and bloodlust, almost missing her question.
“Did you know my husband?” she asks and Shen Wei nods after a moment. “I’m sorry. If you came to visit him then you are too late. He passed away a few weeks ago.”
“That truly is a shame,” Shen Wei says.
This Kunlun had a sweet life. He married Wang Yan who came from a neighboring village, they bore five children but lost a sixth as an infant, and Kunlun’s life as a small merchant had been humble. He made enough to support his family through hardships and could watch his children grow up. Illness had set in and he had stubbornly ignored it, insisting he was alright, up until his body could not hold him any longer. He died before meeting any of his grandchildren.
But overall it was not a bad life. If Shen Wei could have lived beside him, he would have said it was a very peaceful and happy life without complaints.
Wang Yan steps beside Shen Wei, unaware and ignorant, but Shen Wei can’t fault her for that. Kunlun himself knew nothing of his past lives.
“How did you know him?”
“He...saved me,” Shen Wei settles on. He should have thought of an answer for this long before. It’s something he’ll have to do.
Wang Yan looks at him, waiting for more, but Shen Wei doesn’t want to speak to her anymore than he has to.
“I’m not surprised. Zhang Yong was a good man.” She wipes at her dry eyes and there’s a part of Shen Wei that feels guilty for thinking so ill of her. But the larger part of him still wants to escape.
“Indeed,” Shen Wei agrees. Then he shuts his mouth again.
Wang Yan sighs and looks up at the sky.
“I hope he was happy. Tell me, when you knew him, did he seem happy? I couldn’t always tell. He kept so much to himself. And there were days when he was cold, when he didn’t speak, and I didn’t know what to do.”
Shen Wei doesn't answer. He doesn’t know how to. He met Kunlun as a small ghost king, while Kunlun was already slowly dying, and well aware of that fact. What happiness could be found there? And he’d been so stupid back then, not god or human, but ghost; what happiness could he give to anyone else?
“Sometimes, I feel like he was looking for something more,” she says and Shen Wei smiles inside his heart even though it hurts. He knows that he isn’t the one that Kunlun is searching for. It could be anything. Kunlun shouldn’t have remembered anything of his previous lives but he was a powerful mountain god; it wouldn’t be a surprise if he kept something, even a wisp of a lingering thought.
“I think he was happy with you,” Shen Wei says. The words that leave his mouth are sour but he doesn’t mean it as a lie.
Shen Wei looks down at the ground carefully to keep the rage in his heart tame. He hates this woman before him who had the chance to live beside Kunlun. She got to feel his arms around her, the beauty of his voice greeting her in the morning, his whole being gracing her life. There is no way she appreciated it. And now Kunlun is dead again.
Some of his violent hatred extinguishes at that. She too knows the pain of losing Kunlun even if she doesn’t realize it.
Wang Yan’s eyes are wet and she takes a deep breath to hold back a sob, which Shen Wei is thankful for; he really would run away if she started crying.
“Thank you,” she says. She looks at him again. “Would you like to come over for-?”
“I must leave now,” Shen Wei says. He knows it’s awkward and abrupt but he absolutely will not go into the home that Kunlun has left. His heart cannot stand it. “I’m sorry for your loss. Please take care of Zhang Yong’s children.”
“Ah, yes,” she says, lost. Shen Wei walks away, aware that she’s watching, no doubt wondering what kind of relationship he had to this Zhang Yong. It’ll have to be a mystery for the rest of her life because Shen Wei has no intention of returning here. There are other graves to visit if he wants to see some remnant of Kunlun.
It isn’t until he’s in the next town that Shen Wei relaxes, some of the tension bleeding from his shoulders. He’s still learning to navigate human conversations and that was not one of his finer moments. No doubt Kunlun would have laughed at him for it and Shen Wei’s cheeks pink at the memory of that gentle, teasing sound. He aches to hear it again but that’s not for him any longer.
Shen Wei sets out to search for Kunlun’s newest reincarnation. He will not approach this one either but he wants to watch, to see each of his lives, even if he can never intervene. These small windows into Kunlun’s lives are already more than he deserves. As long as Kunlun lives, happily human, then Shen Wei can conquer any task whether it be mending the Great Seal or remaining alone as a damned half ghost.