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Just under a year ago, Chan had a panic attack during an exam and was taken to Accident and Emergency in the back of an ambulance after giving himself a concussion. A short while later, he was diagnosed with a panic disorder. Then he joined Pledis as an idol trainee.
It's nothing short of a miracle that Chan has survived his first few months of training without spilling the secret of his little issue with anxiety. The other members remain completely unaware.
It's not that he hasn't felt anxious or that he hasn't had any panic attacks, he's just been very strategic with how he deals with those feelings. Namely, he'll shut himself in the nearest room that locks and he'll shake and sob and gnaw on his lower lip and muffle his gasping breaths until it passes.
Sure, maybe it's not the most productive way to deal with his panic attacks. It's gruelling and it's horrible and it makes everything feel so much worse and his raw lips never heal, but if it keeps anyone from asking him questions about it, he'll take it. It's what he needs to do.
It's not really that he's embarrassed about his anxiety- he got over that a long time ago in favour of getting help. And it's not that he thinks any of the boys would be mean about it.
It's just- it's not even been that long since he was diagnosed and he figured out what was going wrong in his brain. He still doesn't really understand anything about it, and he has no idea how to explain it to anyone else without sounding like a snivelling little kid who can't control his emotions, who misses the way his mum used to cuddle him and stroke his hair until his brain stopped going haywire.
They wouldn't understand.
And he doesn't want to put them in a position where they need to take care of him. He has literally moved out of home- he's supposed to be looking after himself. He doesn't need anyone else on his case. He can deal with it. It's fine.
But maybe it's not fine. Because his panic feels all-consuming sometimes and there are times where he doesn't know what he'll do. He's so out of control when he panics and there are some things that can't be explained. Like, where he gets all of these bruises from and why he was limping that one time and why his lips literally won't stop bleeding. Chan is half-convinced that Jeonghan thinks he's doing it on purpose- hurting himself. He's been clingier recently, checking in on Chan far more often.
But Jeonghan doesn't understand that it's not like that. He doesn't mean to throw himself against walls or beat his fist against his own leg, it just happens when he's that worked up. It's just his body trying to sort itself out, trying to snap itself out of the anxiety-induced stupor he gets stuck in.
And yeah, maybe he hasn't even tried to help Jeonghan understand, he hasn't told his hyungs anything at all. But he's fine so it doesn't matter.
It's fine.
*
Chan had underestimated how difficult it would be to do both school and training full-time. The geometry test he had gotten back this morning, though, made it pretty obvious that's he's not doing a great job of managing everything. Maths has always been his best subject as well, which only added insult to injury.
He's already in a bad mood by the time he gets to the dance studio, the exam covered in red pen and stuffed in his back pack to be forgotten about for a while- until he feels up to dealing with it. Just the thought of how much work he has to catch up on is terrifying.
It doesn't help when their manager comes in to check on their rehearsal and seems intent on pointing out Chan's every flaw- his unfocused limbs, his sloppy movements, his wavering voice. It takes every ounce of strength he has not to break down right there and then.
He'd held it in, clamping his lower lip between his teeth as they ran through the rest of the song. Jeonghan fusses over him when he notices the drops of blood dribbling onto Chan's chin, and the urge to fall into Jeonghan's embrace was so strong. The urge to burst into tears, to finally give in and let his secret spill.
He probably would have done it, too, if Seokmin hadn't pulled Jeonghan's attention away with a quiet complaint of a headache and reminded Chan that his issues are better dealt with alone.
They get back to the dorms a few hours after midnight and Chan follows his familiar routine- he locks himself in the nearest available bathroom to sort himself out. He doesn't have long. Everyone will be wanting showers before they go to bed and he shouldn't be selfish, despite how much he longs to be.
He turns on the shower, strips, and sits under the spray of water, shivering until it starts to run warm. His jaw clicks and red drips from his mouth onto his knees.
Mingyu is banging on the door a few minutes later, whining in his silly high-pitched voice until Chan switches the water off with a shaking hand. He dresses without drying himself properly so his clothes stick to his skin. He leaves the bathroom with his head lowered, trying to escape without anyone seeing the sorry state that he's in. He doesn't want any questions- there's no telling how he'll answer them.
He doesn't get very far.
Soonyoung catches him on his way down the corridor, still somehow full of energy, bouncing on his toes. He wraps an arm around Chan's elbow and tugs, demanding "come and make dinner with me, Channie~" and dragging Chan from the possibility of throwing himself into bed.
All he wants to do is crawl under his blankets and fall asleep, but he shouldn't be selfish.
Almost all of the members are crammed into their tiny little kitchen, Soonyoung has to use his elbows to carve them out a path to the fridge. There are people pressed up against him from all sides and everyone is talking over each other and it's so loud and hot and overwhelming-
Soonyoung, who has been rifling through the fridge, pauses when he realises that Chan isn't responding to anything that he's saying. He turns to look at the younger boy, and is startled by the look of pure terror on his face and the tears that are building around his eyelashes.
"Channie?" He asks, though his voice is drowned out by the amount of noise the other members are making. Chan doesn't hear him. He tries taking Chan's hands in his, but he's immediately pushed away. Chan takes a stumbling step backwards, his spine hitting the edge of the counter in a way that must have been painful. Soonyoung winces for him.
Soonyoung hasn't learnt his lesson. He tries to scoop Chan into his arms, to coddle him and check that he isn't hurt, but Chan lashes out at him, uncoordinated fists knocking against his chest. Chan wasn't trying hard enough to actually hurt him, but he's still taken aback.
As Soonyoung is trying to comprehend what is going on, Chan's chest tightens and he begins to heave, his surroundings becoming nothing more than a fuzzy mass of light and sound, his head throbbing painfully at the onslaught of sensations.
It turns out that he maybe should have been a bit selfish. The broken sob that he lets out around his gasping breaths is loud enough to alert the attention of the other boys, the room going silent bar his pitiful whimpering.
It's over. His little show- he knows that this is the end of it.
*
A sob pierces through the chaos and everyone falls silent.
Jeonghan seeks out the noise, searching each of his dongsaeng's faces until his gaze lands on Chan. His palms are pressed flat over his eyes, fingers trembling, the most strained little cries sneaking out between his knuckles. Jeonghan is drawn to him, as he always is, arms already out to pull Chan into his embrace.
Soonyoung presses a warning hand against his shoulder, watery eyes meeting Jeonghan's with a tiny shake of his head. His mouth is gaping, like he desperately wants to say something but he can't come up with the words. Jeonghan gives him a soft smile but removes him from the situation, pressing him gently back and into Seungcheol's arms.
His focus needs to be on Chan right now.
Chan, whose crying is getting harder, his breathing getting worse. Jeonghan is cautious, approaching slowly with gentle steps, calling Chan's name until he looks up. Jeonghan has to swallow down an alarmed noise when he sees Chan's face, flushed and damp, broken.
"Hey there, sweetheart. What's wrong, huh?" He asks, keeping his voice soft. He's trying not to get thrown off by the fact that he's never seen Chan this upset before- he knows how to calm down the kids, and that's what he needs to do right now.
"Everything." Chan chokes out. "Everything. It's all wrong." His voice is harsh and scratchy and Jeonghan doesn't like the sound of it at all. He tilts his head to the side and steps a little closer- Chan tenses up but doesn't move away. He's too busy drawing in a stilted breath of air and gagging on it, hunching over as he coughs around the spit collecting in his mouth.
It's obvious that something is wrong. This is more than upset. Jeonghan has to admit that he cracks for a moment, his calm and composed exterior breaking. He pulls his eyes from Chan's crumpled form to search for an answer, for someone to teach him how to help. All he gets back is pair after pair of equally frightened eyes.
Chan seems to sense his moment of weakness, pulling his hands from his face to push Jeonghan back- he's too close. Jeonghan's stance is steady, though, so all Chan really manages to do is drive himself backwards. He wobbles, his knees go weak so he crouches down, his face immediately fitting back into the cradle of his palms.
Seungcheol tries next.
He sends a couple of meaningful looks to both Jihoon and Jisoo who instantly get to ferrying the younger members out of the room. Chan deserves a little privacy right now. Then he copies Chan's stance, crouching down next to his dongsaeng who is crying even harder than before, his entire body rattling with the force of his sobs.
Seungcheol lays a warm hand in the spot between Chan's shoulder blades, rubbing softly. "Channie-yah, talk to me. Tell me what's going on." To the untrained ear, he sounds impossibly calm- to Jeonghan, there's a strained edge to his voice that give away how stressed and frustrated he is really feeling. He won't show it, though, not when one of the kids needs his help.
"I can't breathe." Chan cries, fingers dragging across his flushed skin until they can knot into his hair, pulling desperately at the roots. Seungcheol caresses the back of his hands, trying to convince his grip to loosen just a tad, not wanting him to do himself any more damage.
"Okay. Let's try sitting up, then-" Seungcheol starts, but Chan cuts him off.
"No." Is all that he says, although it's barely decipherable.
"What?" Seungcheol is taken off guard. It's rare for one of the kids to resist help when they're upset- generally, they want to be held and comforted, they want to feel better. Chan's so worked up, almost to the point of anger, and Seungcheol's not used to dealing with situations like this.
He's helpless. They all are.
"No. Don't." At this point, Chan manages to free himself from Seungcheol's hands and pushes himself up from the floor, wavering on his unsteady legs and knocking his head against the cabinet. Seungcheol hisses between his teeth and moves to cradle Chan's head, but the younger moves away as soon as his hyung gets closer.
Seungcheol is doing all that he can not to cry.
*
It's safe to say that Chan doesn't really feel the knock against his head properly. He's not really feeling anything right now other than panic. His senses are on such high alert- his eyes are hurting from the light in the room, every noise makes his ears scream, but every touch is a little muted.
The one thing he does feel, though, is the sudden clarity in his brain. The short few seconds of silence after the shock of bumping his skull against the wooden cabinet door.
He steps back until his legs touch the counter and then he snaps his head back, his skull emitting a dull thud as he collides with the fixture and bounces off. His mind comes back into focus, but it's muddled again within seconds. He braces himself.
No matter how off his game Seungcheol is, despite the way his heart is crumbling in his chest, he won't condone this. He will do anything to protect these boys, despite only knowing some of them for a short while, and even if the only risk to them is themselves. He may be unsure and confused and scared about what is going on right now, but he won't let Chan get hurt.
With no idea whether it will make the situation better or worse, his instincts lead Seungcheol to grip Chan around the shoulders and pull him into the centre of the room, knocking a few stray boys out of the way. Chan resists, whirling away from his hyung as quickly as he can, arms raised in the air, clumsily pushing away everything that is touching him.
*
No one knows what to do, that much is obvious. They've all cried at one point or another since training here, breakdowns are basically written into their contracts, but not Chan. Chan hasn't cried once, despite being so young and under so much pressure. Of course he's been stressed, but he's never shown it.
At first, Junhui is just as taken off guard as everyone else. Seeing Chan like this is new and startling and scary. Seeing your younger brother cry is never easy, but seeing him crying and gasping for breath and gnawing his own lips off and resisting help- there's nothing worse.
There's an extra layer of terror for Jun, though, because he can tell that this is so much more than stress. This is panic.
He'd always gotten the feeling that Chan was hiding something from them, but he's a pubescent boy, he's going to have secrets. He hadn't worried about it too much. He wouldn't know how to ask even if he wanted to.
But Junhui could spot a panic attack from a mile away, and the sudden realisation that Chan is suffering under the same feelings of anxiety that he is so often striken by is crushing. Chan doesn't deserve this one bit.
He's their little sunshine boy, their little ball of happiness and positivity that keeps them all smiling. The thought that he may be dealing with a disorder that makes you completely terrified by seemingly ordinary situations, that makes you cower under the pressure of social interactions, that makes you hate yourself more than anything else- it's unbearable.
Jun forces his feet into motion. He will not let Chan go through this on his own.
He's just stepping forward when Chan lets out the most broken wail, sounding like his lungs are being forced back up his throat. Junhui falters- he just stands there with the rest of them and watches as Chan cries and wraps himself up in his own arms and bites through the raw skin of his lips and pulls at his wet hair.
His confidence is wilting. He's suddenly incapable again. That is, until Chan brings his arms down against the kitchen table with all of the force that he can muster, slamming his wrists against the sharp edge of the wooden surface.
Seungcheol and Jeonghan both move closer, their protective instincts fired up and forcing them forwards despite having no idea how to help when they get there. Junhui pushes past them as Chan lifts his arms to do it again, a newfound look of determination on his red face. Jun only just gets there in time to trap Chan's hands in his strong grasp.
He positions himself between Chan and the table, keeping the younger boy in his grip as he thrashes about, upset and not understanding why Jun is stopping him from doing the one thing that is making him feel better. Junhui holds on as tight as he can without breaking Chan's wrists himself.
"Chan- Channie. It's okay. I'm-" Junhui takes a breath and tries to calm himself down- getting nervous doesn't help his speech in the slightest. He can understand Korean almost perfectly by now, but he's still not overly confident when speaking it. It's like, whenever he tries to find the works and organises them into meaningful sentences, they're just not there and he clams up. He swallows and tries again, desperate to get his point across, longing to let Chan know that he isn't alone.
"I understand."
*
Chan draws his first full breath of air in as a gasp.
He stops struggling and drags himself closer to Jun, clinging onto his hyung and staring up at him with wide, wet eyes. There's a tangible shift in the room but there's only a few people that can tell what has happened- Soonyoung included.
Soonyoung's protective streak for Chan runs deep, deeper than he's willing to admit, and he feels more powerless than he's ever felt in this very moment. Chan is struggling with something bigger than he will ever understand and he's just stood there watching. He's never been more of a coward.
He's glad that Junhui's got him, though- Jun will be able to help.
Wonwoo and Soonyoung had found Junhui in the throes of a panic attack only weeks after he had moved in with them. Honestly, Soonyoung had been just as much of a mess then as he is right now, but thankfully Jun had been able to self-soothe and calm himself down enough that he would let Soonyoung wrap an arm around his shoulders.
A hug and a quiet word of reassurance is all that Soonyoung can really offer in these situations.
Junhui had tried to explain his anxiety disorder to them in his broken and stilted Korean and Soonyoung has no clue how many of the other members he has told since then. Junhui isn't one to ever talk about himself, so Soonyoung wouldn't be surprised if no one else knows. It had only been an accident that he and Wonwoo had found out anyway.
But, because he knows- the sheer relief in Chan's gaze is obvious.
He gets it, he gets Jun's sincerity. Just two words and he knows exactly what Jun is trying to tell him. He sinks forward, just wanting to be closer his hyung, latching onto him with desperate hands. He just needs to be surrounded completely by the one person who understands how he is feeling, who knows how out of control this stupid condition gets him, who wants to help.
Soonyoung sighs his own breath of relief a little prematurely. The look in Chan's eyes is now less fear as it is exhaustion, but he still hasn't regained control of his breathing. It's stilted, dangerously so- he's only taking in the smallest of breaths before it all comes out again, his little body tense in Jun's arms as he fights for oxygen.
Junhui watches Chan with a soft, sad smile on his lips, stroking a hand up and down the younger boy's back and cradling his head close to his chest. It's almost like Jun knows what's about to happen- maybe he does- because his grip on Chan is unwavering.
It's only a few moments later that Chan's body decides that it's had enough and his eyes roll into the back of his head. Gasps and whimpers fill the room, but Junhui remains calm.
Soonyoung steps forward to help Junhui lower the unconscious boy in his arms onto the ground.
*
Chan comes to after only a few seconds, blinking his eyes open just as Junhui is rolling him into the recovery position. Chan resists it, instead pulling himself to lay across Jun's lap, head cradled against one of his thighs. Jun holds him close, content to go with whatever Chan wants to do right now. No one can resist Chan's wills at the best of times, but especially not when his face is sodden with tears and snot and all of his limbs are trembling.
Soonyoung rests a hand on Chan's back, palm flat in the space between his shoulder blades. Chan spares a glance towards him- Soonyoung smiles back.
His breathing has regulated, thankfully, but he's still all coiled up, a deep furrow like a gash between his eyebrows. Passing out is scary, especially when you're already freaked out, and so Chan's hands wrapping tightly around the fabric of Jun's T-shirt is no surprise. "Hey, sweetheart. Settle down. Your heart's still going pretty fast. It's okay, you're alright."
Chan reacts well to hearing Soonyoung's voice, his body relaxing ever so slightly, eyes slipping closed.
Soonyoung's protective over Chan, that much is true, but it's not for no reason. Chan is Soonyoung's best friend, and he is Chan's. Despite their difference in age- three years seems like quite a lot when you're still a teenager- they've been attached at the hip since they first met. They balance each other out perfectly.
But Chan is still younger than him, and Soonyoung has made every effort to ensure that Chan knows that he is protected, and that Soonyoung will always have his back. No matter what. The tenson that bleeds from Chan's bones at just the sound of Soonyoung's voice is solid proof that he has done that job.
"Keep that breathing slow, alright?" Soonyoung reminds him, brushing a hand over the tangled strands of his sweaty hair. Chan nods and rests his head against Jun's stomach. Jun lets out a breath, content now that Chan is settling down. He's trying his best not to show how much Chan's anxiety is rubbing off on him, but Soonyoung notices.
He eyes Jun's hands where they're resting gently on the back of Chan's neck and around his elbow, his fingers jumping around as though he's shivering from the cold. Soonyoung lays his own hand over one of Jun's, thumb stroking across his knuckles. They don't need Jun to get worked up as well.
If this had happened just a year earlier, Soonyoung would have had absolutely no clue as to what Chan was going through. Now, though- all he knows is that the pained look on Chan's face and the choking noises that escaped around each of his strained breath for air sent his mind straight back to finding Junhui in the same state, curled up on their kitchen floor.
Jun looks a little startled when he catches Soonyoung's eye. He's not used to being vulnerable in front of people, to sharing his problems and asking for help. Even though Soonyoung knows about his struggles with anxiety and has made it very clear that he is there for Junhui whenever he is needed, Jun still isolates himself when he's feeling fragile.
"We're okay." Jun nods, a small smile gracing his lips before he turns his attention back to Chan who is squirming in his arms, his face all scrunched up again.
"What's wrong?" Junhui asks him, hooking an arm around Chan's shoulders so that he can help the younger sit up. Chan crosses his legs and rests his elbows on his knees, twisting his arms and frowning at the dark bruises that are already beginning to form on the insides of his wrists. Junhui traces a gentle fingertip over one of them. "That must be sore."
"I didn't mean to." Chan chokes out, his voice rough and still thick with tears. He sniffles.
"That's alright. We'll get some ice on them, you'll be right as rain in the morning." Soonyoung tries to reassure him, but Chan still looks shaken up, staring at the painful marks marring his soft skin. "Shall we go and get snuggled up in bed?" Chan nods, looking up at Soonyoung with grateful eyes, though they're wet with oncoming tears.
"Yeah."
*
It doesn't take long to get Chan to sleep. Seungcheol helps them carry him through to the bedroom that he shares with a couple of the other boys, leaving him with a kiss pressed to the crown of his head and a few whispered words of comfort.
Soonyoung helps him swap his T-shirt for an even softer jumper, and Junhui brushes his hair out and draws a wet wipe across his cheeks. Jeonghan sneaks in to drop of a couple of ice packs wrapped in tea-towels to soothe Chan's sore arms. Chan nearly cries again when Jeonghan wraps him up in the most lovely hug. At least they would be happy tears this time.
As soon as Chan is snuggled down between Soonyoung and Junhui, the ice pressed between his wrists, he's drifting off. His body's exhaustion is catching up with him, as well as the sudden withdrawal of adrenaline. Soonyoung waits until Chan is really sleeping before his speaks, though his voice barely strays above a whisper.
"Did he tell you?" He asks, absentmindedly, brushing a hand through Chan's dark hair.
"I don't- I mean, no. But, it might not be- he might-" Junhui stops to let out a shaky breath. Soonyoung's other hand leaves it's perch on Chan's stomach to trace a knuckle along the line of Jun's cheekbone. Jun leans into his touch- he's always drawn towards affection. "Everyone can have panic attacks. He might not be like me."
"Oh, I didn't know that." Soonyoung glances back down at the boy between them, wondering how he would have been able to keep something as big as an anxiety disorder from them. And why? Why would he ever feel the need to do that? Soonyoung almost- completely selfishly- wishes that this was a one off thing, just so that he won't have to ponder the answers to those questions.
"You knew exactly what to do. I was so grateful that you were there." Soonyoung meets Jun's eyes again, wanting him to know just how much he means it. He has no idea what would have happened if Jun hadn't been with them. He doesn't even want to think about it.
"I just did what I could. I didn't know- I mean- I don't get self- self-" Another breath. "When I have anxiety attacks, I don't hurt myself. I wasn't- I didn't really know what to do about that I don't think- I didn't do the best job."
Soonyoung frowns, gripping Jun's jaw gently between his fingers. "Hey, no. You did a great job." Junhui doesn't look convinced, but he blushes and smiles when Soonyoung leans closer to press a soft kiss to the side of his head. "You did really well."
*
Soonyoung wants to let Chan rest but Junhui convinces him to wake the younger up for dinner and a talk. It's better to figure out what's going on sooner rather than later, and the take-out that the other boy's ordered will be a great accompaniment to an intimidating conversation.
They get Chan set up, propped up against the head board with a plate in his lap, loaded up mainly with rice and veggies because he'd started complaining about nausea as soon as they had interrupted his nap. Soonyoung and Jun are facing him, their own food warming their thighs.
"I'm sorry I didn't tell you." Chan starts, keeping his eyes fixed on his dinner. "I was just scared."
"You have nothing to be afraid of, Channie. We love you, we all do. We would do anything to look after you." Soonyoung responds, almost pleading for Chan to understand that he is loved and wanted.
"It's called a panic disorder." Chan admits, head still lowered. He shovels a bite of food into his mouth to delay the inevitable. "It's just- sometimes it's just this feeling that is so overwhelming and there's nothing that I can do to get rid of it. It's just there, and it scares me so much and- I just get so scared."
"When did you find out?" Junhui asks, his voice slow, soft. Chan tilts his head to the side.
"Last year. I freaked out during an exam and brained myself on my desk. Got a ride in an ambulance and everything, and then a diagnosis." Chan keeps his tone light, like he's not detailing one of the most horrific days of his life.
"Did you ever have any treatment?" Soonyoung asks.
"For the bumped head? Yes. For the anxiety, not really? They said I was a bit too young to be put on medication, because it would probably mess me up a little too much, and I never really got around to finding a psychiatrist or anything. I've just- been dealing with it by myself."
Chan fiddles with his chopsticks. He still hasn't looked up. Soonyoung moves his plate to the bedside table so that he can shuffle closer and hook a hand around the back of his neck. "Do you feel like you need help?"
Chan ponders for a minute. "I don't know."
"Hey, look at me." Soonyoung requests, squeezing Chan's neck gently until he finally looks up, watery eyes meeting Soonyoung's. "Even if you don't look at anything professional, you have us. And we will do anything and everything we can to support you. We're here."