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Dahlias had various meanings to them and ranged to various messages. They symbolized elegance, drawing inner strength in order to succeed, and to stand strong in one’s values. During the Victorian era used dahlias to signify a last bond. They were beautiful to look at, no matter the colors and you had always admired their beautiful display. In a way, they reminded you of your leader and how no matter the obstacles he ran into, he was able to come out through the other side despite the circumstances of how he came into Tokyo. He was as lovely as the dahlias you admired so much when they bloomed.
The flowers weren’t so lovely however once they spilled out of your throat, the beautiful petals falling so delicately onto the ground.
Well fuck you now, huh…
You panicked because you thought you were okay. What was more important was to see Akira happy, it didn’t matter if it had to be you in particular… at least what you thought to yourself at the time. Akira made such a lovely couple with Makoto and they worked so well together, even if they did have a few clumsy moments. You ached for yourself for a bit for not reaching out to him sooner but decided that seeing your friends’ happy together was much more important, and you congratulated them and teased them along with the rest of the group when they made their announcement.
But the flowers exiting your mouth told the truth about what you really felt; that you were a fucking liar and that you weren’t really okay with Akira belonging to someone else. True every once in a while you wished it was you that Akira smiled for or would choose to spend his nights with whenever the Phantom Thieves left a palace or Mementos, but you weren’t pining for him still, absolutely not!
…
Except that you were.
You were in denial, you were in pain, you were in love and you knew that love wouldn’t be returned which only left you with two options: to either let the disease grow within your lungs until you choked on dahlia flowers or to have them surgically removed and save your life. The choice should be obvious which was to have the surgery and to make sure you lived, but the problem with getting the surgery was that once the flowers were removed meant never getting to love the person you loved ever again. It removes all romantic feelings, but you’d seen different side effects of the surgery as well… and they were all not good.
People who received the surgery didn’t all just lose their romantic feelings for their certain person, some of them even lost memories of their unrequited love, and the worst one was losing the ability to love ever again, not even being able to love your family, friends, or future partners. And no one would find out which one they would suffer with until the surgery was complete. At least losing your memories was an instantaneous thing, the others you’d have to find out.
So to die or to lose your feelings?
Which one to choose?
You stupidly thought that maybe the hanahaki disease would recede on its own, but there wasn’t such a thing to happen ever. Though you probably weren’t the first to hope that could happen; no one was an exception. No, once you were afflicted with hanahaki disease and your love wasn’t returned, you only had so much time to make a choice.
Of course you didn’t want to die but at the same time, you didn’t know how you were going to come out on the other side if you got the surgery. No matter what, your feelings for Akira would disappear but would you lose the ability to love altogether? Would your memories of Akira disappear, along with your place in the Phantom Thieves? You swore along with them to bring justice into this cruel and unfair world and you wanted to keep that promise but if you forgot then what did you work so hard for these past few months?
You threw up into your bathroom sink, with more of the dahlia petals now becoming flowers and signaling that the you were about to reach the last stage of the hanahaki disease.
No one in the Phantom Thieves knew what was going on with you, you’d done too good of a job hiding it. And even if you wanted to tell them, it meant ousting yourself to the group and going through a humiliation that you wouldn’t recover from for a long time. Not a single person could know the truth for now so you had to come up with a lie…
You set Akira aside one day after school, a day that he gave the Thieves a day off from going to Mementos or a palace. You rubbed your arm in nervousness but Akira was patient and gave you a gentle smile, putting his hand on top of yours and telling you that could take your time.
Damn you, Akira…
“There was a… tragedy in my family and I have to step back from school for a bit. We uh, lost someone and we have to leave for a while. A month at most just to get everything settled. My teachers already know and they gave me homework ahead of time so that I don’t fall behind.”
Oh the teachers knew alright; when agreeing to undergo the removal surgery for hanahaki disease, you were supposed to tell any authority figure (manager, employer, teacher, etc.) you were under and allow you the time to recover from the surgery which would take one month, it was law to do so. Legally they weren’t allowed to know before or ask afterwards who was the cause of the recipient of the hanahaki disease, but with careful observation it could be easy to discover. You could exercise your own discretion if you wanted people to know, but you wanted it kept to yourself. Only your parents knew that you were suffering from unrequited love, they just didn’t know who couldn’t love you back and you wanted it kept that way.
Akira held your hands and told you to be strong, that no matter what he and your friends would always be there for you. You expressed regret in missing Phantom Thief activities for a month but with a laugh, Akira assured you that they would all get together to get you caught up once you returned.
It hurt to look at Akira, hurt to laugh and pretend with him. When the bell rang to signal to return the class, he let go of your hand and was about to turn away but you reached forward and turned him back around. He caught you in his arms as you practically tackled him with a hug but he squeezed you back, telling you that everything was going to be fine and that you could always reach out to him if you needed it. Crying into his shoulder, you did mourn for the loss you were going to voluntarily receive. In the moments of the hug, you imagined as if Akira was holding you as his lover and that he only belonged to you. You wanted to love him one last time before you lost it forever for the sake of your life.
Were you going to forget completely? Would you just not love Akira anymore? Or would you never love again altogether?
Only after the surgery you would find out.
And just in case you lost your memories of him, you would give him this last one that was just for him even if he didn’t know it.
Akira didn’t know that you were saying goodbye.
It was two weeks after the surgery and your memories of him weren’t loss, which should have made you happy because you were hoping that you wouldn’t forget about Akira, and in turn, the Phantom Thieves. Except that you weren’t happy about keeping your memories; you were indifferent to them. When your mother would visit you in the hospital, you were relieved that you felt love for her still when she cried happy tears after the success of your surgery. It turned out that you still had the ability to love, you just didn’t love Akira anymore which was the intended purpose of the surgery anyway.
The painkillers were good, keeping you out of touch with reality for a little bit during the first two weeks of recovery and helped you sleep. Too good in fact, you understood why people got addicted and why prescriptions had to be carefully controlled. During a bout when you were trying to fight off sleep after taking your painkiller, your doctor came in to check in on how you were doing. He spoke to you about your recovery once you would leave the hospital, his words passing through your brain without making any kind of imprint and others that you vaguely held onto as a piece of information.
“… Be sure to… remember, even when you leave… recommend at least a year before… otherwise… saving you…” were all you could recall.
He did hand you papers afterwards once he was finished speaking, probably the same information he just relayed to you but in hardcopy form. You set it to the side and decided to look it over when you were of sound mind, maybe once you got out of the hospital you would read them. But not now, you just wanted to relax and just let the painkiller drift you away into another dreamless sleep. The television was on in your room and it vaguely spoke of the Phantom Thieves and there was that prince detective or whatever his title was, Goro Akechi speaking during an interview.
A week later, your doctor had his stethoscope gliding over your back and checking on your breathing. Breathe in, breathe out, hold your breathe for a bit, and then slowly exhale. He deemed that you were still in the clear from recovering from the flowers in your lungs and that he didn’t doubt that you’d be clear to leave in another week. You thanked him and watched him walk out the door to your room, then a nurse following in and handing you a clipboard.
“You have visitors, look over the names and let me know if you’d like them to come in.” she asked.
You wondered who could be visiting you and your breath caught in your throat for a quick moment; it was the Phantom Thieves.
How did they find out you were here?
You stared blankly at Akira’s name at the very top of the list and then handed it back to the nurse. Well if they were already here then there was no point in turning them away and you gave the approval for your friends to come up; you were sure they were worried anyway. Everyone else you felt nervous to see, but when it came to Akira you felt nothing. You wondered why when you tried to feel some type of emotion towards your leader, nothing was coming up. There was no love but nothing else either apparently; did you just not care about Akira anymore? You couldn’t be sure how to test the theory and had no time to think about it either; the door opened and your friends came spilling in.
You gave Ann a relieved smile as she dumped herself on your bed and pet the top of her head, letting her know that you were fine. Haru and Yusuke both came in carrying bouquets of flowers… ouch, you wondered if they knew what you in for and the irony of bringing flowers of all things. Not that you couldn’t appreciate the sentiment at all but still, it was a little awkward to receive them. Ryuji and Futaba were as lively and entertaining as ever and you couldn’t suppress a quiet laugh at their antics. And lastly… Makoto and Akira who politely held each other’s hands and both giving their own sighs of relief that you were fine.
Everyone clamored over one another, giving you dramatic rundowns of what happened in their absence and you listened quietly. At the foot of the bed, your eyes glanced over to Makoto who picked up your chart and her eyes glossing over the text. Her eyes widened and darted up to you, you stared back at her.
Half an hour later, everyone left the room and you told them you would see them again once you were discharged. The only person left was Makoto, who you saw tell Akira outside the door that she would call her sister to pick her up and she would call him later to let him know when she got home. You stared blankly as he kissed her cheek and sent a wave your way before he finally left.
It was just you and Makoto now.
She took a chair from the corner of the room and brought it close to your bed, taking a few quiet moments to gather herself before she was ready to speak. “Akira had told us that you had lost someone in your family and that’s why you were absent. But he and I saw your mother as she was leaving a bookstore and we thought that maybe you came back early. We asked where you were and she told us you were here. She thought that you told us that you were in the hospital since we were your friends.”
Again, she took a few moments to gather herself and you kept quiet.
“You… we never noticed that you were… I mean, you hid it so well I suppose. You seemed just fine but I don’t think any of us would have guessed that you were…” Makoto’s eyes drifted to the two bouquets of flowers in their own vases and her face flared red. “Oh god, bringing those was insensitive wasn’t it? If we had know, we wouldn’t have-”
You put your hand on her shoulder. “It’s fine, I didn’t tell anyone aside from the people who were legally required to know like the teachers and my parents.” you assured her. “I still like them anyway.”
Makoto pushed a lock of hair behind her ear and cleared her throat. “You can tell the others if you want to… about why I’m here. It’s fine, I’m okay.”
“I’ll try to make sure that they don’t make a big deal when you’re discharged but… can you tell me who?” she asked.
Who rejected you? Who didn’t reciprocate your feelings? Who wasn’t able to love you?
You said nothing, just staring at her and wondering if she would come to the conclusion on her own.
Come on Makoto, show me how smart you are.
Makoto’s eyes studied you, her brows knitted together in concentration and trying to guess in her mind without any hints from you. Then her eyes widened in realization and once again her face flushed red, looking ashamed and embarrassed. There was no need for her to be; she didn’t steal Akira from you.
“Does he-”
“No, you guys were together before I even had the chance to say anything. Akira didn’t reject me because I never confessed anything to him and you didn’t steal him away or anything like that. I accepted what happened already. I’m not resentful towards you or him Makoto, and I really was happy that you two got together, I hope you can believe me when I say that to you. It’s good that you two are happy and I want it to stay that way. And hey, you can be reassured now that I’m never going to have feelings for your boyfriend now.” You mustered up a dark joke that made her visibly uncomfortable.
Makoto wiped at tears that had gathered at the corner of her eye.
You hoped she wasn’t pitying you… who were you kidding yourself, of course she was pitying you because who wouldn’t. Hanahaki disease that didn’t end in reciprocated affection always had a melancholy ending, whether through surgery or through death.
“Look, I’m just glad that at least I still retained the ability to love. I still love my family and I care about you guys. And hopefully the next time I fall for someone… this won’t happen again.”
There was something unsaid that pulled at your heart but you weren’t sure what it was.
Makoto took your hands in hers, tears falling from her eyes and trying to muster up something to say.
What could she say?
“If you want Akira to know, it’s up to you. Share it with the group, keep it to yourself, only let one person know, do whatever you think best. I’ll leave it up to you and I’ll deal with it however way it happens.”
“… Okay.”
It turns out that your theory from when you were in the hospital was right; not only did you no longer have any kind of romantic feelings for Akira anymore, you didn’t feel anything towards him. No sense of camaraderie, no anger or sadness, or any kind of obligation towards him at all. This was made apparent by everyone when you were in Mementos doing a request from the Phan-Site. There was a shadow that was going to make Akira weak if the blow connected and you were the most nearby party member that could protect him. Anyone could say that maybe you weren’t able to take the brunt of the hit because the shadow moved too fast, it pushed you away when you tried to take the hit or whatever.
But when Futaba called you out to take the hit for Akira, knowing you would be able to survive it, your offensive stance slacked and you merely watched as the oncoming shadow’s attack hit Akira. Everyone gasped at what had happened and the you from before would have been embarrassed or apologetic, would make it up to the team by attacking the shadow that had hit your leader. Instead you stared indifferently at Akira who was weak from the attack and assuring everyone else he was fine. All you did was toss his way an item that would recover most of his health and walked back, telling Yusuke to take your place instead.
You avoided Makoto’s gaze but you knew what was to come.
Your words to Makoto rang in your head.
“I still love my family and I care about you guys.”
And then the unspoken truth in your heart that you didn’t acknowledge at the time but was apparent now.
I care about you guys… except for Akira.
The team retreated into a rest stop, the atmosphere stifling and the tension palpable.
“What happened back there? Futaba told you to help Akira and instead you let him bite the dust.” Ryuji asked first.
“Ryuji!” Ann called out to him angrily. “You make it seem like she purposefully let Akira get hurt! I’m sure that she-”
“No, she’s right. I did let Akira get hurt.” you admitted. You weren’t about to let your team argue over the what-ifs and what-happened’s when you could just tell the truth. As much as you no longer cared for Akira, you cared about everyone else. “I let Akira get hurt because I couldn’t be bothered to do my duty as a team member, but only towards him in particular. Any other person I would have protected, but not Akira.”
“Why?” Yusuke asked.
You sighed and took a deep breath. “As you all know now, I was in the hospital because I was afflicted with hanahaki disease. During the time I had the hanahaki disease, before I even got the surgery, I never got the chance to see if my love was returned. I wasn’t rejected and I never got the chance to because…” you trailed off in your explanation and your eyes looked over to Akira.
As well as everyone else’s.
Akira’s eyes were wide with surprise and his mouth agape.
“The two of them got together before I had any opportunity to. The only person who knew before any of you was Makoto, but only after she asked me while I was in the hospital. I trusted her to exercise discretion when it came to this.” you finished.
Everyone was silent before Morgana spoke up, “So… you what do you feel when you look at Akira now?”
Your eyes met Akira’s and you held his gaze.
“Nothing.” you admitted. “I feel nothing, the surgery took away any romantic inclination towards Akira which is what it’s supposed to do regardless. But I don’t feel anything towards him, not friendship or bitterness or anger or sadness. It’s all been replaced with indifference. I feel like I’m looking at a stranger when I see him. I can’t even say that he feels like an acquaintance to me.”
It was a harsh truth, but the truth nonetheless.
No one knew what to say.
The truth hung like a dead thing in the air for everyone to shy away from.
“I can’t be with you guys’ anymore, I can’t be selective about being interactive with Akira, I won’t put that kind of burden on the team.” you announced. “It’ll mess up the dynamics of the team and who knows what kind of disaster would arise from it.”
“Wait, don’t leave!” Haru cried out, standing up from her seat. “Maybe we can try to work out a way around this!”
“Y-Yeah! We’ll just make sure you guys aren’t in the same formation and-” Ann was beginning to suggest but you cut her off.
“No, I can’t. I thought we could be the same team we were before all this but I was wrong, I’m sorry.” you turned your back to your friends and stepped away to return back to the real world on your own but your leader spoke.
“Is there anything I can say or do to have you stay?” Akira asked.
You stood in your spot for a moment, a pregnant silence that left everyone wondering what your answer would be.
There was nothing that Akira or anyone else could do, you couldn’t be apart of the Phantom Thieves. It made you look spiteful in a way, you knew it, being unable to work with Akira because your feelings went unreturned so you had to take your leave. You wondered if you had just been more sure earlier if this could have been avoided. Or what if you had, what if the same thing would have happened to Makoto? Would she have handled it more mature than you did?
Questions that would never get answers.
You turned back and gave them all a sad smile.
“I think I just need time away. I’ll… I’ll come back when I’m ready.”
Fucking liar.
From the distance you kept up with the Phantom Thieves, your former teammates, and silently watched as they gained more notoriety from the media and around the academy. You passed by your friends around school or town, but you never hung around in their presence for very long, which they all respected, though you noted the pained look on their faces when you excused yourself. They all thought the same thing anyway, “When are you coming back?”
You weren’t sure if you ever were.
The indifference towards Akira wasn’t temporary, it was going to last you the rest of your life.
There was no point in being with the Phantom Thieves if you weren’t willing to interact with Akira, the leader, your former friend…
Speaking of which, he had touched your shoulder when you were in the library after school. Rain pattered against the windowpane, all outdoor activities in suspension until the weather cleared up. Looking up from the textbook you were borrowing for your studies, Akira took a seat next to you and he put on a friendly smile though you could see the uncertainty in his actions. You leaned back in your seat and greeted him, “Akira.”
“Hey… just checking in how you’re doing. It’s been a while and we miss having you around.” Akira said as he set his book bag down. Morgana’s head was visible through the zipper, trying to conceal but not suffocate him inside the bag. You reached a finger inside the small space and felt him nuzzle against you before you pulled back. “How have you been?” he asked.
You shrugged your shoulders. “I’ve been fine I guess, kind of started to realize how boring my regular life was now that I’m not with you guys anymore.”
“You could always come back, you know. Put that excitement back in your life.”
There was a hopefulness beneath his words.
It just wouldn’t be that easy, just to return to the Thieves and go back to what you once were. It wasn’t possible now, no matter how much they all said they could make it work with your situation.
“I think I better get home now.” you said as you stood up from your seat and picked up your things.
“Wait, at least let me walk you to the station.” Akira offered.
“Don’t have you to work or study or be with Makoto right now?”
Okay, that last part sounded bitter but Akira had the good grace to not make any note of it as he picked up his book bag. He was careful to no jostle Morgana around inside his bag and insisted that he walk you back to the station, just to see you off. You knew it was because in his heart you were still his friend, and he cared and missed you.
The feeling should have been mutual… but it wasn’t.
It’s what made this whole situation sad, it’s what made the walk from school so weird, and when Akira waved goodbye to you as your train pulled up, it was just downright pathetic. Inside the train car, you looked out the window and held onto the railing, lost in your thoughts. People talked amongst you, some about their personal lives or what was going on at work. Some topics about the maid cafe up in some district far from school, about the video game genius inside the arcade, and about the Phantom Thieves of course.
There was one more stop before you could get off and walk the rest of the way back to your home, many people pushing past you to try to exit the car train. One particular businessman quickly pushed you off to the side to get to the exit before the doors closed and you would have fallen to the floor if not for someone reaching for you and helping you balance yourself on your feet.
“Are you okay?”
“Yeah, I’m fine.” you sighed as you straightened your clothes before looking towards the person who helped you. “Hey, you’re…”
You wondered if any of your former teammates were to find you right now, if they’d label you a traitor. When he first sought you out, you knew immediately that it was just for the purpose of finding out more about the Phantom Thieves (at the very least, about Akira). As polite and charming as he had come across, you had a feeling that it wasn’t the person who he really made himself out to be. After all, all celebrities had their public image to put out there to the world and you knew where he stood when it came to your friends so you had no intention of giving him an intelligence on them. And besides, at the time he approached you the Phantom Thieves and their business were no longer your concern.
You had no affiliation with the Phantom Thieves and therefore nothing to talk about.
So you thought that would be the end of that.
Imagine your surprise when Goro Akechi had started to take root in your life. At first you thought that maybe he was insistent that he was still trying to dig more information out of you about your former teammates. You’d see him in line for new and popular food items, cycling around the city if the weather permitted it, or just running into him at the train station. It was all very surreal to you and you weren’t sure what to make of it.
Maybe it was the fact that you hadn’t been in contact with your friends for a while or that you weren’t sure what your place was in the Phantom Thieves anymore, but Akechi had started to fit into your life. Perhaps deep below you were trying to fill the void inside you when the surgery had carefully cut the roots and flowers out of you in order to save you from the unrequited love for Akira. You were never going to find out if Akira would have reciprocated your affection and since you were no longer able to love or even be around Akira, maybe you could look for companionship somewhere else. Maybe that’s why you started to spend time with Akechi, he was a substitute. Whatever the case, you didn’t necessarily feel guilty waking up in Akechi’s bed after having spent the night.
It was nice to have him as company, the two of you kindred spirits in a small way. There was a sense of loneliness that Akechi seemed to exude and you couldn’t help but be drawn into it. Something must have happened to him when he was a child to make him this way, and he had his own suspicions that you must have gone through something rough to also make you indifferent to the world around you. But it was all left unsaid, both of you unwilling to reveal what were the painful experiences that made you who you are. You kept each other close but also at a distance. Loneliness brought you together after all, and the Phantom Thieves were far behind you.
Farther and farther away from you as they stole the hearts of notorious figures in the city, sometimes you couldn’t believe that you ran with them for a little bit.
You were tired of the Phantom Theives at the same time too, they were all anyone could talk about. Classmates, your teachers, random adults when you walked through the street, and of course the media. It all just served as a reminder of your past affiliation with them and how you came to be and you wanted to move on from it. The flowers that had taken root inside your lungs were long gone and you remember from your paperwork warning you to not catch the hanahaki disease too soon again. Being with Akechi and seeing as he didn’t really have any friends and he mostly interacted with adults, you weren’t necessarily worried that he’d be falling in love with someone. Hell, you were certain that your feelings for him weren’t that deep at all. Wherever he ran off to when you weren’t together or in school, you didn’t bother to pry because it was most likely having to do with bringing the Phantom Thieves and they were no longer your concern.
How fucked up was that of you to think that?
Pretty fucked up, you knew but you just didn’t care anymore. They weren’t exactly seeking you out anymore like they had done initially when you decided to leave the group. You had effectively pulled away and they were off delivering their own brand of justice to the world.
Truthfully, it was nice to leave that part of your life behind now.
It was nice to have Akechi around, it was nice that he didn’t speak to you about the Phantom Thieves at all (even thought you knew he wanted to), it was nice that he made sure that the media wouldn’t catch on to the two of you so that paparazzi wouldn’t hound you, and it was nice that he had the same attraction to you once you started to realize that he was actually kind of handsome.
It was nice to have your feelings returned to some degree.
At least that’s what you thought.
You sat inside Akechi’s city apartment and waited in the bedroom as he was finishing up looking over his case evidence. Simply lounging with a book in your hand to pass the time, you coughed into your hand and cleared your throat. Something was still caught in your throat and you attempted to clear it, yet it still irritated you. Akechi called you from the living room and asked if you were okay. You opened your mouth to answer but instead felt the familiar sensation of your body expelling something out of you.
Running to the bathroom, you kneeled before the toilet and threw up.
Your first thought was that you were pregnant, probably.
You didn’t want to believe so because you and Akechi were careful and used protection, and that there hadn’t been any accidents.
But when you opened your eyes to look into the toilet, dahlia petals floated on the surface of the water and you couldn’t help but feel as if you were getting mocked as you stared down. You thought you were so careful as to not fall for Akechi and here the hanahaki disease was telling you differently. But if you were experiencing this all over again, then you wondered who it was that Akechi had a stronger affection for.
Akechi approached from behind and knelt beside you, asking if you were okay before his eyes drifted to inside the toilet.
You were silent and he was silent.
Dahlias flowers again, huh?
“Is there… someone else?”
Akechi didn’t seem like the cheating kind, although you didn’t know a lot about him either…
“No, I haven’t been seeing anyone behind your back. It’s just been you this entire time.” Akechi stated. “But I think it’s time for me to be truthful, I know you didn’t want to speak of the Phantom Thieves the entire time we were together and I respected that. I think you have a right to know about…”
Akechi spoke finally about his painful and lonely past, his hatred of his father, how he planned for years to bring him to ruin and what part the Phantom Thieves played in his master plan. It was the first time you heard him speak so passionately but there was only thing that mattered to you.
Akechi wasn’t in love with you, he was in love with getting revenge. You were always doomed to lose to someone or something else weren’t you?
When he was done speaking, you didn’t know what to say.
The dahlia flowers did make sense to you after his explanation though. Akechi’s perseverance through his life to get him to where he was now, but also the betrayal he was about to execute against his father and the Phantom Thieves… you didn’t even know he was running amuck with them but it made sense now where he would disappear to if he was actually with them.
You quietly left his city apartment and went back to your home, you needed to get away from him.
The weeks pass and you cough up flower petals, again hiding them from your parents just like the first time. You were unsure what to do with yourself, you had no one to confide in. How stupid were you to fall in love with someone and not even realize it? And even more so, how stupid were you to fall for Goro Akechi of all people?
Clearly he had some sort of complex going on, both with his father, his own need to be acknowledged as a hero by ‘finding the truth’; he had corrupted himself.
Like with the Phantom Thieves, you planned to just leave Akechi behind as well. Now you had the hanahaki disease to deal with again.
Inside your home, you sat in the living room and watched the new of the election going on and was startled when the doorbell rang. Quickly you moved to answer the door and was surprised to find Akechi on the other side although he didn’t speak right away. “You came here, so I’m assuming that there’s something that you need to say Akechi.”
“Just meet me at my apartment tonight, I have things to take care of today but I want to talk about us once I’m finished.”
You pursed your lips together and crossed your arms over your chest. How could you believe him?
Sensing your doubt, Akechi stepped forward and cupped your face with both his hands. He leaned forward and gently pressed his lips to yours. The affection behind the kiss caught you off guard and you found yourself leaning into it, not wanting to pull away.
A glimmer of hope maybe? Perhaps you wouldn’t choke to death on flowers or need another surgery?
You agreed, letting yourself believe that things might go your way this time.
All night long you waited for Akechi inside his apartment, but he never arrived.
A small pile of dahlia petals left behind in his apartment was the last trace of any person being in the the apartment ever again.
There really was no hope for you.
You were walking home from the store when suddenly the dahlias began to choke you again and you rushed back home to cough up the flowers in privacy. But once you saw blood on the dahlia petals, you knew it was it for you. You stumbled into your home, not even bothering to close the door behind you and just laid on the living room floor. Your eyes to the ceiling and gasping for breath as you choked on the flowers. You had been coughing up bloody dahlias and tears blurred your vision. If you could laugh at how pathetic you were at the moment, you would. Two times… twice you had fallen for people who were unable to return your love, one of whom you never heard from again.
But it seemed that he didn’t just disappear from you, not even the media could find him.
Where the fuck did Akechi go?
You wondered if your parents would come home in time to see you take your last breath.
There was a voice from the entry way of your home, calling out your name and wondering if you were home. It was a voice that you hadn’t heard in a while and despite your dying state, indifference set it in once again when this particular person found you in your living room.
Akira rushed over to you and turned you to your side, helping you cough up the dahlias that were lodged in your throat. It only did so much though because your throat would soon fill up again and choke you. Akira was talking into his phone, calling an ambulance to get you to the hospital and as he explaining your situation, he appeared to be getting instructions through the operator to try to make you hold on until help arrived. He held you against his chest and rubbed your back in an attempt to soothe you, trying not to be bothered when more bloody dahlias exited your throat.
“Just stay put, okay? Someone is going to be here soon and you’re going to be okay.” Akira spoke to you, even though he knew you wouldn’t get any reassurance from it. The words were more for himself. “You caught the hanahaki disease again… who was it this time?”
Who rejected you? Who you didn’t reciprocate your feelings? Who wasn’t able to love you?
The same unsaid questions from when Makoto asked you in the hospital.
“Ak… Ak…” you wheezed out.
Akira?
Akechi?
Which name were you trying to say?
You didn’t even know at this point either.
But Akira was the one who started all this anyway.
Now you had regrets about the first surgery; you wished you just forgot about Akira and maybe this wouldn’t be happening to you. If you had forgotten about him after the surgery, then you wouldn’t have had to force yourself to try to stay with the Phantom Thieves before taking your leave, Akira wouldn’t had walked you to the station that day to check up on you and therefore Akechi wouldn’t had seen you with him and approach you in an attempt to dig up information on your former teammates. And if Akechi hadn’t approached you, you wouldn’t have started using him for company and put your affection towards him instead, he wouldn’t had disappeared from your life and you wouldn’t be fucking dying right now as a result of him not returning from wherever it was he fucked off to..
Why did this shit have to happen to you?
Words from your doctor when you were in the hospital earlier this year flashed into your head.
“… recommend at least a year before…”
Before what, damn it?
You were too drugged up at the time! Why did they even bother to send your doctor to you when you were loopy off prescription drugs?
It was a warning, it sounded like it.
Even with the dahlias choking your throat, you let out a quiet but sad laugh that made Akira unsettled. He asked you what was wrong, tried to get you to use your words to tell him what you were feeling. Your laughter turned into tears and you weeped for yourself, Akira’s arms holding you in an attempt to soothe you but you didn’t care about Akira’s affection or concern.
You were bitter about your fate.
“There was nothing that could have been done to save her.” the doctors informed Akira, the rest of the gang behind him as they delivered the news. The time of your death announced not too long ago and nurse’s trying to reach your parents to inform them of what happened to you. “I’m sorry.”
“What the hell do you mean nothing?! You couldn’t have performed the surgery on her to take those fucking things out, couldn’t you? She was dying!” Ryuji yelled, lunging at the man before him but being held back by Yusuke and Ann.
“That’s just the thing, young man. She already had the surgery once this year, and we informed her to refrain from developing any romantic connections with anyone for a least a year. Recovering from the hanahaki disease takes a minimum of one year to recover from because the lungs. The lungs are a self cleaning organ that begin to heal once the exposure to pollutants stop, like quitting smoking for example. Hanahaki is different because you don’t breathe in anything, it takes root inside and studies have shown that the victims need a full year of physical recovery from it once the roots are extracted. We don’t know why but that’s how our bodies react to the hanahaki disease. Our job was to clear the flowers out the first time, which we did but she was warned not to fall for anyone too soon. Getting the hanahaki disease twice in less than a year is strenuous on the body, the lungs, and on the person itself.”
Everyone weeped silently for you.
“Do you have any idea who it was? The object of your friend’s affection?”
No, they had no idea.
And even though they would never find out who it was, or the fact that he had sacrificed himself for them inside the Metaverse, they were going to blindly hate him for the rest of their lives.
In the end, they all blamed themselves. They all got caught up in the fame of the Phantom Thieves and they justice they doled out, not remembering that you were once apart of them too. You needed space from them yes, but you didn’t need to be isolated away. They forgot all about you…
Akira looks over your body on top of the gurney you transported on when the ambulance arrived. He could remember screaming at the paramedics to help as you were spilled more dahlias onto the floor. When they took you from his arms to get you on the gurney, the look on your face was something that was going to haunt him for the rest of his life.
I should have checked on her more often, should have tried to be her friend even though she didn’t care about me anymore…
Akira thought all that but he knows deep down that you would had just pushed him away. You made it clear when you left the Phantom Thieves that day that you became nothing to him after the surgery. Not a comrade, a friend, a confidant, or even an acquaintance.
“I feel like I’m looking at a stranger when I see him.”
Outside the hospital grounds and your body left behind in the hospital where your parents’ weeped over your death, the Phantom Thieves stood silently with their eyes to the ground. One by one, they went off in their own direction to take in what had happened. The only ones left were Makoto and Akira and when she tried to reach out her hand to comfort him, he gently pulled away and walked back in the direction of the train station to go back to Leblanc.
He remembered the day you lied to him at school about needing to go away because of a family death. Akira remembered the pained look in your eyes and he wondered if there was something he could have done differently to… to…
To what?
Would there have been a secret way to save you? Could this have been prevented at all? Was there another universe where he was able to keep Makoto as his precious loved one and without you getting afflicted with the hanahaki disease?
Akira remembered how you hugged him that day, the desperation in your embrace and how you cried against him. Thinking of the memory sent chills down his body and walked into an alleyway to give himself some privacy to mourn over you. He would never get to find out who the second person was that afflicted you with the hanahaki disease the second time, but he knew who he could blame for you getting it the first time.
I killed her.