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Kara's arms and legs cut through the water with little resistance as she fights against the large swells of the water struggling to pull her under. A wave crashes over her head with shocking force, pulling her further down into the cold water. The feeling of sharp knives stabbing every inch of her body, leaves her gasping in shock. Kara takes in a deep, gasping breath and instantly chokes on it. Salt water, burns her airways on the way down. She coughs and hacks, immediately trying to get it back out of her airway, but it's difficult. Kara tries to cry out for help, but of course, because there's no oxygen in her lungs, nothing comes out.
There is help nearby, but it might as well have been miles away for all of the good that it did her. Kara sinks further down in the water until the darkness encompasses her. The cold, icy water chills her quickly to the core. It weighs her down with every stroke. Kara fights harder and harder, not willing to go peacefully in to the dark. She thrashes against what soon became the moist sheets of her bed as she awakens with a start.
Kara shot up into a seated position, a gasp falling from her lips as she was catapulted into reality. She let herself drop back onto the pillow.
Her stomach instantly did a wild somersault that left her feeling as if she might become sick at any moment. She let herself sink further into the uncomfortable mattress. She took several deep breaths as she struggled to adjust to reality. For a long moment, Kara squeezed her eyes shut, taking one deep breath through her nose before expelling it into the cool air of a dimly lit hospital room, through parted lips.
Kara let a sleepy groan as she stirred, shifting on the uncomfortable hospital bed. Groggily, her eyes blinked open. She laid still for almost a full minute, just staring at the ceiling. She was waiting for it all to come back. She remembered not feeling well – remembered feeling weak, but has no idea how she wound up here, in a dimly lit hospital room in the back the DEO. Kara lifted up a frail bony arm, using her hand to wipe the sleep from her eyes. She let out a deep sigh, closing her eyes again.
That had been real, hadn’t it? She had collapsed in the middle of a fight.
Swallowing over her unbearably dry throat, she realized - for the first time - that her secret was out. There wouldn’t be any more hiding from it. Everyone at the DEO would know about what had happened and why. And Lena… Oh god, Lena would know too. Kara felt her heart jolt in her chest at the revelation.
Her limbs felt as if they were made of lead, and seemingly weighed her down. The truth is, Kara wasn’t even sure that she could move. Kara's eyes flickered opened as she continued to fight the sudden onslaught of nausea. But as she tried to move again, her world was sent spinning above her and she couldn’t stop it.
Kara rolled over, and she let out a gasp as her hand quickly encountered something solid and warm. Kara’s eyes flashed open and her stomach dropped. Lena was lifting her head from where it had been resting on the mattress. For one heart stopping moment, Kara watched Lena’s eyes blink as the brunette was reacquainted with reality.
Kara wanted to say something. She wanted to acknowledge her presence, but she simply didn't have the time. Her body had different ideas.
Kara reached up to her stomach, praying that she’d be able to hold out long enough to make it to the bathroom. Kara rolled off the edge of her hospital bed, hoping she could hit the ground running. But her body had another idea. Kara hit the ground hard, and gritted her jaw together in order to keep from crying out. She didn’t want to wake Lena, even though he was pretty sure that no one could have slept through the racket she was making. Kara crawled and stumbled quickly along the smooth, cool, tiled floor of her hospital room, until she finally reached the comfort of the bathroom. She pushed open the door, and quickly pulled herself along towards the bowl.
It took all of her remaining strength - everything she had left in her reserves, in order to make it there. But she made it, and not a moment too soon. Before she could brace herself for it, her body shook violently. Her stomach seemed to be turning itself inside out, in the worst way. She couldn’t control her retching. Instead, it felt like she was along for the ride. She hovered over the porcelain bowl, her knees acting as an anchor to the swaying world around her. The cold, unyielding floor pushed back up against her knees and made them ache. But nothing was as bad as the pain she was experiencing in her back and stomach. Muscles that she hadn’t used in a long time, contracted over and over and over. Over time, they seized up completely. Fresh sweat built up on her forehead, neck, lower back, and the rest of her body, soaking her gown. She shivered uncontrollably as the small drafts of air through the room cut through her like a knife.
Just when she was sure she couldn’t take it anymore, Kara was given a short reprieve. She reached out and flushed the toilet, as she didn’t want to have to see what was inside. She groaned, as she pushed herself away from the bowl, and propped herself up against the wall. She closed her eyes and let out a deep breath as she struggled to collect herself. The truth is, she honestly wasn’t sure that she had enough energy left to make it to her feet and go to bed. And in all honesty, she wasn’t sure if she wanted to. Kara shuddered as she felt the chilly air of the air-conditioned room lick at her damp clothes and feverish body. She swallowed again, hoping to quell the intense burning in her throat. She moved again, feeling her stomach lurch. ‘Not again,’ she thought to herself as it started all over again.
Meanwhile, back in the room, Lena was slowly waking. Lena groaned, as her eyes darted to the clock. It was almost four-forty five in the morning. Lena closed her eyes again, and Lena's arm blindly reached out to the side, feeling cold and damp sheets where she would have expected Kara to be. She stiffened as sound from the bathroom finally reached her ears.
Hearing Kara in such a state made Lena's stomach sink. All she wanted was to ease her pain. Without any more lazy pauses, Lena pushed herself up out of the chair and walked for the bathroom. She reached the bathroom just as Kara was hit with a fresh wave of nausea.
At that point, Lena rushed into the room, in order to see Kara hunched over the bowl.
“Don’t,” she begged of Lena, not wanting her to see her in such a weak and ugly state. “Please go. I don’t want…” She gagged before she could finish.
However, Lena ignored each of Kara's protests and knelt down next to her.
"It's okay, Darling,” she spoke the affectionate name tenderly, as tears dripped from Kara's eyes in silent suffering. “Shh. It’s okay.” Lena's voice quavered ever so slightly as she watched Kara's whole body seize up again. The look on Kara's features betrayed her own pain and agony, and it tore away at Lena's heart. She reached out, rubbing small circles on Kara's back as she tried to ease the pain of its muscle spasms. Kara tried to speak again, but couldn’t. “Please. There's no way I could possibly leave you like this. I’m not leaving you like this.”
She didn’t care about anything other than being there for Kara, just as they'd always been there for eachother in their worst moments.
Besides, Lena figured that she was better equipped to situations such as these, at least, she had a better ability to adapt to it than anyone else. There were many nights after her father was diagnosed with cancer, that she spent helping her father. He’d struggled and suffered. Lena figured that if she could deal with that, then she could deal with this. But in some ways, it was different. Because it was Kara. And she was clearly suffering.
Kara continued to surrender to her body's whims, and emptied her stomach's contents into the porcelain toilet bowl. As awful as it was, Kara enjoyed the feeling of improvement that emptying her stomach gave her. The pain wasn’t as bad, and the nausea seemed to be a little better too, now that her stomach didn't have so much nasty stuff in it. Sweat dripped from her forehead with the effort, as the muscles of her stomach and back finally relaxed for the last time and she could finally retreat to the comfort of the cool bathroom tile.
Kara let out a groan and closed her eyes in sheer exhaustion. Kara swayed as she moved away from the bowl, and Lena pulled Kara's body against her in order to steady her. Kara groaned as she felt Lena's arms wrap around her in a tight, comforting hold. Lena just cradled her in her arms, struggling to keep her breathing even. Tears built in her eyes as she closed her eyes. The heat radiating from Kara's feverish body was enough to make her break out in a sweat herself.
She could feel Kara's body shaking as the shame set in, and the tears came in earnest.
Lena honestly didn't know what to do - what to say. What did you say to someone, when they were clearly suffering?
So Lena didn't say anything. She just held Kara against her - pressed kisses into the top of the blonde's hair as the blonde shook in her arms. "It's okay. It's gonna be okay. I've got you."
Lena finally pulled the cord on the wall. And within a minute, help came.
Alex rushed into the room. Suddenly panicked and wide awake.
Alex's eyes quickly found the mess in the bowl, and frowned.
"We need to get her back into bed," Alex told her. "I'll get her some more nausea medicine."
They managed to get Kara back into bed, and got her settled. Alex quickly injected an assortment of medications into Kara's I.V. She increased Kara's nausea and pain medications. Easing the blonde's suffering, and sending the hero back into oblivion.
Lena looked fearful as the blonde drifted off into sleep once more, "So have you figured out what's wrong with her yet?"
Alex couldn't hide the look of guilt on her features as she said, "Let's step out for a moment. This is a conversation that is best held in private."
And Lena stupidly followed Alex into a private room. She remained standing, but Alex quickly tried to remedy that.
"Have a seat, Lena," Alex told her almost tenderly. "You should.... You should really be sitting down for this."
"I'm fine standing," Lena told her as she stood her ground, and crossed her arms over her chest in a defensive posture. Her pride was clearly rearing its ugly head. "Just tell me what it is. Whatever it is, I can handle it, Alex."
"I... The truth is, I don't know how to tell you this," Alex admitted. "She's sick, Lena."
"Well, obviously," Lena's eyes flashed. "She collapsed in the middle of a fight. Something is clearly wrong with her. I was hoping that you would be able to tell me what."
"No," Alex shook her head. "No. You're not understanding me. She's sick. She has cancer - Leukemia."
And Lena dropped. It felt like she'd taken a punch in the gut - like the entire world had been knocked out from under her, all at the same time. Lena fell down into the closest chair, seemingly reeling from the news.
"She collapsed because she currently has a severe infection that her compromised immune system can't fight off. But that's not the only problem. Her blood counts are all out of whack. She's lacking platelets, hemoglobin. And her white counts? it's just a mess."
"I don't..." tears were falling from Lena's eyes now. "I don't understand. How could this happen?"
"Lena-"
"No," Lena told her. Her voice growing more emphatic as she repeated the word. "No. Please don't take this the wrong way. But you've made a mistake! You must have."
"There's no mistake," Alex responded, trying to keep from sounding overly defensive when she said, "You're welcome to take a look at things, if you'd like. But I assure you, Lena, I've been extremely thorough. I know that it's hard to accept. But what I'm telling you is the truth."
"I - I don't..." Lena struggled with what to say, her jaw working furiously as she gazed deeply into Alex's shimmering gaze. And Lena suddenly knew. Alex was telling her the truth.
"Is this a new diagnosis? Because from where I'm sitting, it seems like you knew already," Lena told her.
"No," Alex shook her head. "I...I already knew. This has been going on for a little while. Honestly? That's the only reason I'm not hysterical right now. I- I've had time to prepare myself."
"How long?" Lena swallowed. "How long has this been going on?"
"I... I can't answer that," Alex told her. "That's something - that's something that you should really hear from Kara."
"I'll give you some time alone to process," Alex told her after a moment's silence. "I... I'm really sorry, Lena. I know...I know how much you love her."
Alex tried to ignore the gut-wrenching sounds that followed her from the room as Lena went into a grief induced rage.
Hours later, Lena was back in Kara's room, dutifully watching over her lover as Kara slumbered.
Part of Lena still couldn't believe it. She couldn't quite believe the news that Alex shared with her.
Lena was so distracted by her own thoughts that she didn't notice Kara stirring, nor Kara's eyes opening.
In fact, it took her aback when her eyes darted to Kara's face, in order to find that she was being watched.
Blue met Green. Kara stared back, not daring to breathe. Silence passed for a long uncomfortable moment.
Kara’s heart suddenly seemed to be trying to make up for its brief pause and now was threatening to break its way out of her own rib cage. It was racing out of control and Kara couldn’t make it stop. The heartbeat echoed around the room loudly, giving her away.
“Hey,” Kara breathed weakly. She watched as Lena’s strained expression faltered for a moment, only to return to the look of agony on her features. Lena looked like she was in physical pain.
“Hey,” She managed to choke out, though barely so. Kara swallowed again as Lena did the unthinkable, reaching out to brush a short, sweat-dampened strand of hair from Kara’s eyes. “How are you feeling?”
“Tired,” Kara sighed, “but otherwise okay.” Lena nodded.
"I think that is to be expected," Lena breathed, as her fingers played with the fabric of the blanket covering Kara's legs.
“Alex says that you were severely dehydrated,” Lena revealed. Lena suddenly stumbled over her words, as she tried to say, “You... have an infection, and unfortunately your immune system has no chance of fighting it off by itself. They’re giving you some antibiotics to help with the infection, but it's probably going to be a little while before you feel better.” Kara looked down to her arm. She could see the I.V. tubing snaking out from her forearm, now.
She winced as she looked at the dozen or so scars located in the crux of her arm. The only thing left to indicate she was unwell, were the little white spots dotted her arm where she'd had numerous infusions.
“I-” Lena tried to speak, but her words failed her. Lena flinched as she gently ran her fingers over some of those scars. It was suddenly as if she were seeing a whole new world.
Because Kara - her Kara was suddenly very different from the one she knew. Kara was sick, and possibly dying... and Lena had only just found out about it.
“Lena,” Kara tried to keep it together. She really did, but the word came out broken and desperate. It was nothing short of a plea. The weight of the name that came from her lips conveyed so much more than just a name, but rather a need for forgiveness.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” Lena tried not to sound as hurt as she really was, but she too was unable to hold herself in check. Tears leaked from in-between eyelids as Lena squeezed her eyes shut.
Kara let out a quavering breath as she realized that she wasn’t prepared to have this conversation, and she never would be.
“I…I’m so sorry,” Kara apologized. “I… I tried to tell you so many times. But it never seemed to be the right time. I always chickened out at the last moment.”
“Right time?" Lena spat the words out angrily. It was almost as if those words disgusted her. "Are you kidding me right now?” Lena snapped a little more harshly than she intended. “Of course there wasn't going to ever be a right time to tell me, Kara. Christ!. You never learn, do you?! You have cancer for god’s sakes.” “Cancer.” She repeated for emphasis. “And you couldn’t tell me?”
“Please,” Kara whispered, “I don’t expect you to understand… But I was so scared. For some reason, I knew that once I told you that everything would be different. I didn’t ever want you to look at me like you’re looking at me now.”
"Like what?" Lena challenged, seeing the depths of the emotions in Lena’s eyes. "Like I’m hurt? Like I'm angry?" Lena knew she struck a chord when she saw the look in Kara's eyes. "You didn’t tell me. You intentionally kept it from me, because you feared that the truth would drive me away." Then. "But it’s worse than that. Because you made a choice for me, Kara! What does that say about us? That you assumed I would leave you, if I knew the truth?”
“That’s not-”
“But it is!” Lena shouted, white-hot tears streaming down her face. She instantly reached up to her face, in order to hastily wipe them away. She hated for crying in front of Kara. Hated that this was happening to them once again.
“And that makes me so angry,” Lena says between sobs. “Because I would follow you to the end of the Earth if I had to. You know that."
"Do I?" Kara whispered, her voice scared and unsure.
"What?" Lena questioned her in disbelief.
"Is that really something I'm supposed to know?" Kara asked her quietly, calmly. "Because from where I'm sitting? I don't. Our relationship has always been extremely fragile. Since you came back we've been trying. But it always felt like we were just waiting for the other shoe to drop. - For that next thing to come along and tear us apart."
"Kara-"
"No, it's true," Kara told her. "Look, I'm not saying this to hurt you. I'm not trying to be cruel. But after what happened with us before, I think it would be impossible for me to be sure of anything." Lena hates to admit it, but Kara's words sting more than she's prepared for. Mainly because she finds some truth in them. The way they'd handled things before hadn't been pretty. And they'd both gotten very very hurt in the process. But Lena honestly thought that they'd gotten past that. If this proved anything, it was that the past never really stayed in the past. Sure, you could forgive, but you could never really forget.
"Kara, I thought we'd gotten past all that," Lena told her. "I thought we were okay."
"We are," Kara breathed. "Or I guess we were before all of this. But... But I don't know anymore."
"Hey," Lena's voice softened. "What makes you think we can't make it through this? Because from my point of view, I think that if we made it through everything that happened before, that surely you and I can make it through this. But you… you took me out of the fucking equation! Do you not realize how wrong that is?”
“You’re right,” Kara sniffled, wiping away her own tears, “I'm sorry. I was... I was selfish for making assumptions. I guess I just thought that by pushing you away from this - that by shielding you from it, that it would hurt you less when you found out.”
“Well,” Lena breathed, “How do you think that's working out?” Lena asked bitterly. “Because I’ll tell you what. It hurts like hell. I’m in hell right now.”
“I know,” Kara replied, reaching out to capture Lena’s hand. Slowly, she lifted it to her lips and pressed a kiss into it. “And I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I know you’ll probably never believe me, but I never meant to hurt you. Alex tried to make me see the error in my reasoning, and I still messed up. I guess I was just so preoccupied with my own struggles that I failed to realize what it would do to you. I…wanted to tell you. I really did."
Kara took a deep breath. "The truth is, I was about to tell you in your office a few months ago, but we were interrupted."
"Then why didn't you try again?" Lena questioned. "Kara, it's been months."
"I know," Kara exhaled. "I know." Then. "But a lot of things have happened since then." Lena opened her mouth to speak, but Kara continued.
"You and I agreed to cool it," Kara explained, "And I felt like if I told you then...then you would feel like you had to come back and help me."
"Kara, you can't-"
"And I didn't want that," Kara spoke over her accidentally. "I didn't want you to come back and be with me out of some sense of obligation. I wanted you to come back because you wanted to be with me."
'But I did want to be with you,' Lena wanted to argue. 'I was just scared by how quick things were moving. I had a moment of doubt.'
Kara paused for a moment to gather herself. "And then when I heard you were dating again, I thought that you were moving on. I thought you’d be okay without me.”
"You thought I didn't-" Lena was honestly flabbergasted by Kara's last statement, "care about you any more? Just because we were on a break?"
"I don't know what I thought," Kara breathed. "I just thought that maybe it was a blessing - that maybe it meant it wouldn't hurt you as much when I..." Kara's voice trailed off.
“Darling,” Lena’s voice broke, "There is no way - In any universe that something like this wouldn't absolutely destroy me."
“I’m sorry,” Kara spoke honestly, “I really am. The truth is, I’ll never be able to apologize enough.”
“Can I ask you something?” Lena questioned, finally.
“I… “ Kara hesitated for a moment before she responded. “Yes… I mean, I guess it’s only fair.”
“How long has this been going on?” Lena asked her, her voice suddenly uneven, “I mean, how long have you been going through all of this, Kara?"
“Wait... Alex didn’t tell you?” Kara’s brow furrowed.
“No,” Lena replied, running a hand over the back of her neck. “She said that I should hear it from you.”
"Oh Rao," Kara breathed as she reached up to rub at her face in anguish. She knew that the truth would hurt Lena, and she didn't know how to tell her without Lena hating her.
“You’re going to hate me,” Kara breathed finally, looking away. “I mean… it’s hard enough to forgive me for the other stuff. I can’t see you forgiving me for this.”
“Try me,” Lena challenged. “Come on, Darling. Just tell me.” Then, she stupidly adds, “How bad can it be?” But the truth is, Lena had no idea. She has no idea just how bad it is.
Because has absolutely no idea how long she’s been lied to, or how sick that Kara really is.
“It's been about a year,” Kara choked out, as her gaze flitted away from Lena’s face. The blonde suddenly seemed unable to look Lena in the eyes. But after a moment, Kara’s eyes gaze darted back to Lena’s face. Lena looked absolutely floored – as if someone had just sucker-punched her right in the gut. Lena’s mouth hung open in shock as she reeled from the truth. Kara watched as Lena’s eyes flashed in what Kara could only assume was anger.
Kara’s hopes of forgiveness fell right out from under her. There would be no happy ending for them.
“A year...?” Lena repeated the words in disbelief. She was numb, actually numb. “You’ve been going through this for an entire year, and you didn’t tell me?” Lena quickly jumped up, practically vaulting from her chair as she restlessly started to pace the small confines of Kara’s room. “Oh my god. You already knew,” Lena practically spat the words, “When I came back from Metropolis, you already knew you were sick, and you made the choice not to tell me.” Lena’s hands curled up. “God, Kara! Do you know how hard it was to forgive you? How long it took me to forgive for the first secret you kept from me?” Lena hissed. “I let you back in!,” Lena’s voice held a fragility in it that Kara was unprepared for. But that brokenness quickly chipped away into a sharp edge, like a harmless rounded, smooth stone being formed into an arrowhead. “Against all better judgement, I came back. I let you in. And this is how you repay me? By doing it all over again?!?”
“Lena-”
“You took me out on dates!” Lena recounted, practically shouting the words. “Slept with me," Lena said indignantly, "and the whole time you were keeping secrets from me! A secret so big that your very life depends on it.”
“Lena,” Kara’s voice was pleading all over again. “I know that you assume that I’ve had time to process, but the problem is that I couldn't acknowledge what was happening to me. I never meant for any of this to happen.” Kara took a deep labored breath. “I never intended - I never intended to - “ Kara’s voice became desperate as she said. “We weren’t supposed to...”
“To what?!” Lena said. “Fall in love?”
“Yes!” Kara answered honestly. “Rao, why do you think I fought your efforts so hard in the beginning? Surely, you noticed how hard I tried... to keep a distance between us.”
“Oh my god,” Lena gasped at this new-found revelation. “That’s why… That’s why you kept pushing me away, in the beginning.”
"I tried to keep you at a distance, because I knew it would hurt you," Kara said as tears built in her eyes. "I wanted to protect you from this - from all of this."
“But you were so determined that I never had any chance in fighting you,” Kara continued.
“Kara-”
“You made me want to ignore the consequences,’” Kara told her.
Lena's heart clenched as she listened to Kara speak. The blonde was in just as much pain as she was.
“You were never supposed to wheedle your way back inside," Kara told her, "But you did. And I’ll be damned if you didn’t make me want this, too. You made me want a life with you, Lena.”
“Yeah?” Lena said, “Well, you have a funny way of showing it."
“I know. I knew you deserved better, but I wasn’t ready,” Kara’s voice was earnest. “I wasn’t ready to admit what was happening to me. I’m supposed to be damned near immortal. And suddenly I’m… I’m dying."
Lena stiffened at the last two words. She didn't want to acknowledge that things might be that bad - that the love of her life might actually be dying. No. No, she couldn't even begin to fathom that truth.
“Lena, please, “ Kara breathed. “I’ve wrestled with this for so long. Please. Just ask... Just ask Alex. She'll tell you.”
“I don’t have to!” Lena said rather coldly, “Because that’s the thing, isn’t it? She knew. She fucking knew. They all knew. Again, I was the last to find out.”
“Lena,” Kara said, trying to climb out of bed, “Lena, please. I… I’m so sorry. I… I know I screwed up. I should have told you the minute you came back. I should have done a lot of things.”
“But you didn’t,” Lena spoke with slight resentment. “God, you made me fall in love with you all over again. And yet you had no intention of ever letting me in…”
“That…That’s not true,” Kara stuttered. “I love you.” Kara struggled to keep her breathing even. “I….”
“Don’t! Don't you dare say that to me right now,” Lena said angrily, letting her emotions rule her heart even though she knew deep down that she’d regret it later.
“Why not?” Kara asked in a small voice. "It's the truth!" Kara told her with conviction in her words.
“Because, frankly? It’s insulting,” Lena said coldly. “And the truth is, that at this point? I’m really not sure that I believe you.” Lena added for emphasis. "You're a liar, Kara Zor-El. All you are is a god-damned liar, and I'm not sure I want anything more to do with you."
It felt like Kara's heart was being ripped out of her chest, as Lena shook her head.
"Lena-"
“No,” Lena cut her off right there an then. “Save it, Kara. Please. Just…save it. I'm done listening. I've heard more than enough from you. I'm just done.” Kara watched as Lena picked up her jacket, and stole one last glimpse at Kara before heading for the door.
Kara was scrambling to get off of the bed.
“Lena!” Kara shouted, as she pushed herself off of the mattress. “Lena! Wait! Please!” Tears coursed from Kara’s cheeks as her legs failed to hold her weight and she dropped to the floor. Kara could only stare after Lena’s retreating figure, as it disappeared down the hall. It was over.
Kara tried to hold it back, but she couldn’t and a loud sob broke free from her throat.
Alex, whom had been waiting outside listening to the whole thing, came rushing in.
”Kar?” Her voice was panicked. “Kara, are you okay?” Kara shook her head, sobbing into her chest as Alex carefully eased her up from the floor. “Kar, did you fall? Did you hurt yourself?”
“She… She’s gone,” was the only thing that Kara could choke out through her hiccoughing sobs.
“Hey, she’ll be back,” Alex reassured her. “She just needs a little bit of time to gather herself, but she’ll be back.”
“Don’t lie,” Kara breathed. "Just say it, Alex. Tell me the truth. It's over. There's no way that she could ever forgive me for this. And she's right. She's right to feel this way."
“I’m not lying,” Alex told her. “Mark my words, Kar. She cares about you too damned much to leave like this. She’ll be back.”
“No, she won’t.” Kara tried to take a deep breath, only to choke on the air in her lungs.
She was going to die alone. That thought scared her.
“Kar,” Alex started to stroke her face as she sat her back on the bed, “Kar, hey, you’ve got to breathe. You've got to calm down. You're hyperventilating.”
“I…I can’t,” Kara’s breathing hitched as she battled the immense weight of her emotions. It had been months and months since she had let herself cry. It had been forever since she had let it all out. And now that she had started, she didn't think she could ever stop it.
Alex turned around as J’onn rushed into the room.
"What's wrong?” he asked worriedly, rushing forwards.
"I think everything has finally caught up with her," Alex told him.
“She’s having trouble breathing,” Alex replied, trying to help Kara ease back down in bed, “She’s really distraught.” Kara curled herself into the fetal position, her breaths coming in fast heaves now. Alex tried to alleviate Kara’s breathing problems, but couldn’t successfully get Kara to calm down.
“Kara?” Alex spoke softly. “I really need you to calm down.” Kara’s shoulders shook more violently with each sob she tried to suppress.
“We may have to give her something to help her relax a little,” Alex breathed, “The only problem is that I’m going to have to go and get it."
"Stay with her?” J’onn nodded, watching as Alex hustled out of the room. Within a couple of minutes she was back. Kara still wasn’t doing any better, and so Alex made the executive decision to administer the drug. J’onn watched as she injected it into Kara’s I.V. port. Within another couple of minutes, Kara was still and silent, dozing against Alex.
When Alex’s phone went off an hour later, she extracted herself from Kara’s grip and walked outside of the room. With a sigh, she read the name on the display and swiped her finger across its surface.
“Hey,” Alex answered softly.
“Hey,” Kelly’s voice came across the other line. A baby was crying in the background. “I’m just calling to make sure everything is okay.”
“I take it that James told you what happened?” Alex replied.
“Yeah,” Kelly replied impatiently, “So how is she?”
“She’s going to be okay,” Alex said, leaning her back against the wall and closing her eyes. “She has a severe infection, and is significantly malnourished due to the fact that she hasn’t been able to keep anything down. We’re giving her antibiotics for the infection, so she’ll be here for a few days until things start looking better.”
“I’m so sorry,” Kelly spoke sympathetically, “I know how hard it must be for you. It’s hard for all of us.”
“She… I mean, watching her drop like that?” Alex whispered simply, “For a moment, I thought her heart had given out. I don’t think I’ve ever been that scared.” Alex confessed.
"But she's okay?"
"Yeah," Alex swallowed, "Once we started treating her for septic shock, she rebounded. She's stable now."
“She up for any visitors, you think?” Kelly asked. “I’m sure the kids would love to see her.”
“Maybe in a day or two,” Alex replied, shooting her down. “She is kind of having a rough time right now.”
“I can understand that,” Kelly replied. “Well, let me know when you think she’s up to it and we’ll head over.”
“Yeah,” Alex choked out, swallowing over the lump in her throat. “Hey, listen…I’ll be leaving here shortly, but there’s something that I need to do before I head home. I probably won’t be home for a few more hours, and I don’t want you to worry.”
“What is it?” Kelly asked worriedly.
“I need to go pay a visit to Sam,” Alex breathed roughly, running a hand over her jaw.
“What for?” Kelly prodded.
“It’s becoming more and more obvious that Kara’s best shot at survival is a bone marrow transplant,” Alex found herself revealing, “Her best chance of finding a match, is a family member. Because of her genealogy, her options have been reduced to those of Kryptonian DNA. For whatever reason, Kal isn't a match. And that means that there’s really only one person’s name left on the list of possible candidates.” Alex’s voice was incredibly strained as she revealed the next bit. “The treatments haven’t been working. This is Kara’s best chance at beating this.”
“I didn’t realize things had gotten that bad,” Kelly replied, her voice strained as well, “Alex, why didn’t you tell me?”
“She’s kept most of it to herself,” Alex replied. “You know Kara. She’s very proud. She didn't even want to ask Sam, because she felt like she’s some incredible burden. She doesn’t seem to understand that when you love someone, that there is no such thing as asking too much. When you love someone, you’ll do whatever you can for them.” Alex winced slightly as Jeremiah started wailing in the background.
“Sorry, Babe, but I’ve got to run,” Kelly said quickly, “Jeremiah just spilled his cereal all over the kitchen floor.”
“Oh! Okay,” Alex replied, “I love you. I'll... see you later.”
"Love you too," Kelly told her.
Alex let out a ragged breath as she ended the call.
She was surprised as she opened her eyes, in order to find two piercing green orbs staring back at her. “What are you doing back here?" Alex asked rather coldly. “Come to make another dramatic exit?”
“Alex, please,” Lena’s voice was soft. Her make-up showed that she had been crying. Alex could see the definitive tear tracks running from her eyes down her cheeks. The darkness underneath her eyes was there to show where her mascara had run.
“What do you want me to say, Lena?” Alex said angrily. “We had to sedate her after you left.”
“I…I’m sorry,” Lena practically whispered, “I'm so so sorry. I just... I just couldn’t do it. I was so overwhelmed…”
“And I get that,” Alex breathed, “Believe me, I totally understand why you feel that way. Because the truth is? I’d probably feel the same way if I were you. But no matter how you feel about the situation, you can’t just rip her apart like that, Lena. No matter how much you might want to. She’s already having a hard enough time holding herself together as it is.”
"She lied to me, Alex," Lena told her angrily. "She promised not to keep any more secrets, and then she turned right around and did it again."
"Because she'd already lost you once, and she was afraid she would lose you again, if she told you," Alex argued. "And fear like that? A fear like that can make you do all kinds of things that you wouldn't normally do."
“When did she tell you?” Lena asked finally.
“She didn’t,” Alex spoke finally, “Nia is the one who told me.”
“What?! But I thought…”
“I know what you thought,” Alex replied. “But she didn’t tell me. Kara was a bit of a brat about the whole thing, honestly. The fact is, she actually tried to cover it all up.”
"I still don't understand how.... how this could have happened," Lena said. "Jesus," Lena was still reeling. "She's Kryptonian. She doesn't get sick. Not like this."
"Are you asking?" Alex questioned.
"Do you have an answer?" Lena rebutted.
"Maybe?" Alex answered uneasily. "I believe we know what has caused all this, but there's no way to be a 100% sure."
"What is it?"
"So...something happened about a year and half ago - after you moved back East to Metropolis. There was this emergency, and Kara was exposed to lethal levels of radiation. I'll be honest. We knew of some of the dangers ahead of time. And we all made it clear that it was her call. She - She could have easily backed away from it. But she knew (like we did) that if she didn't do something, that a lot of good people were going to die. She didn't even hesitate. She knew she could be going to her death, and she didn't let it stop her." Alex explained. "She completed the rescue." Then, Alex paused for a moment before continuing," At first, we thought she made it through unscathed. As you well know, in very severe cases of radiation poisoning, most of the effects are immediate, and typically lethal. With Kara? She showed no effects. Days passed. Weeks. Months. I put her through countless medical examinations - performed pretty much every medical test known to man, but nothing showed up. I.... I thought we'd gotten unbelievably lucky." Lena swallowed. She was unsure of how she was supposed to process this. "So I let my guard down. I let myself believe everything was fine."
All Lena can think is that she should have been there. She should have known. Maybe if she'd known about the exposure she could have helped.
She would have looked for signs. Maybe they could have caught it early, stopped it before things got too bad.
"And it was. At first. Everything... everything was good," Alex swallowed. "She was living her life, trying to move on from-" It's there that Alex hesitates.
"From me," Lena finished for her.
"Yeah," Alex nodded. "And she was happy. She was killing it at work - at Catco and as Supergirl. But after about six months went by, Kara started noticing things were different."
"Her energy was gone. She was exhausted all of the time. Her appetite went to shit. She started noticing massive, angry looking bruises after fights - started having nosebleeds for no reason. Of course, I only know this because she told me after," Alex relayed to her. "But, yeah. She hid everything. She never told me about the bruises, nor the nosebleeds. She faked eating." Alex let out a tense breath. "I... I later learned that she tossed tonnes and tonnes of food into the trash without even touching it."
"I noticed her struggling through some fights of hers," Alex finally admitted as she raked a hand roughly through her hair, "but never payed it much mind. I mean...It was always against formidable opponents, so I just attributed it to that. Every so often, I would notice her muscles tensing or shaking, but again I attributed it to her over-training or overworking herself." Alex's voice caught as she said, "I made excuses for her - tried to come up with logical reasons why she was struggling." Lena watched as Alex shook her head. "And because of it, she just got worse and worse and worse."
"How could you-" Lena felt Alex's guilt, and carried it like her own. "How could you have known?"
"I'm her sister and her boss," Alex told her, as her jaw clenched in anger. "It's my fucking job to know. And I didn't see it."
"But she kept it from you," Lena argued.
"Do you think that matters?" Alex spat in frustration. "Do you really think that matters to someone like me? Someone like you?" Then. "Tell me you don't feel it, Lena. The anger - the frustration. Tell me that some part of you isn't blaming yourself for this right now."
"Alex-"
“It was only because Nia saw something in one of her visions that I found out,” Alex explained. "Can you imagine? Having to be the one to tell a sibling their sister is dying? I still don't know how she found the courage to do it, but I'm so grateful to her for that."
“And that was a year ago?” Lena asked, sliding down the wall and into to a seated position on the floor. Alex joined her, legs bent at the knees.
“Yeah,” Alex nodded, remembering the day she had found out. “And believe me, when I found out she’d been hiding that from us I was so… so angry. The truth is, I don’t think I’d ever felt so betrayed in all of my life. I wanted to be angry. I wanted to lash out at anyone and everyone. But I also realized some very important things along the way. No matter how hurt or angry, or upset I was, it could never even come close to the amount of fear I had. I am still so afraid I’m losing her." Then. "And despite what you might think, Kara is scared too. She's terrified. Sure, she might be doing a good job of hiding it, but she's absolutely terrified of what comes next.”
“Lena, I know you’re upset, and the truth is, I think you have every right to be, but…she needs you.” Alex rubbed at the back of her neck, “I’ve tried to be there for her, but I just know it’s not the same… She - She loves you more than anything."
"She has a funny way of showing it," Lena can't help but respond.
"I know she does… But you have to believe me. I know she loves you.”
“How bad is it?” Lena asked finally. “Please just be honest with me, okay? I know it doesn’t seem like it, but I can take it.”
“It’s bad,” Alex swallowed, before meeting Lena’s eyes. “There are unique challenges because of her physiology. The cancer has spread into her lymph nodes and other organs.” Lena had to bite down hard, in order to not make a sound. “Right now, we think her best chance is a bone marrow transplant. But even so, with the cancer spreading as it has, she’s got a hell of a long road in front of her.”
“I’m not sure I can do this,” Lena said honestly. “She’s dying, isn’t she?”
“Lena,” Alex breathed, grabbing her hand. “She’s had a few setbacks, but she hasn’t given up yet. She’s still fighting. And I think that’s all any of us can ask for.” Lena nodded. “That being said.... If the bone marrow transplant doesn’t work, then she might not have much time left.” Lena nodded.
"I just don't know if I'm strong enough to do this," Lena breathed brokenly. "It's already so hard to sit in the room with her, without feeling-"
“Look, I know that I don't have any right to give you relationship advice right now, but you... you have to let your feelings go,” Alex said sadly, “Whatever they are. Or you may regret leaving her in the end.”
“You want to know the sad part?” Lena asked, leaning back against the wall.
“Sure,” Alex replied.
“I think I’m angrier at myself than I am with her,” Lena said, swallowing. Tears built in her eyes as she acknowledged the truth. “I mean…. I could have had three years with her, Alex. I could have had so much time with her, and I threw it all away because I was hurt.”
“Lena,” Alex shook her head.
"No," Lena argued. "It's true." Alex shook her head again, and Lena scoffed. "Come on, Alex. Be honest. After what happened with Kara and I - after what I did to her, tell me that there wasn't a part of you that absolutely despised me."
"Okay," Alex conceded. "So I may have implied that we would have been right to-"
"To what?" Lena challenged.
"To lump you in with the rest of your family," Alex answered honestly. "But I was wrong to think that. I knew it then, and I know it now. It kills me to think that we-"
"You didn't make me into anything, Alex," Lena shook her head. "The things I did after I found out were completely misguided. I tend to develop a singular focus about things when I... I'm trying to block out certain feelings, and I let things get away from me. I'm ashamed of what I did. Kara may have hurt me, but that in no way justified me trying to make her suffer for it. I kept saying that I wasn't a villain, but my actions did not do anything to back up those words."
"I know what you're thinking," Alex told her, with a gentle touch to the forearm, "But you're not a bad person."
"You're right," Lena nodded. "I'm not a good person, but I'm not a bad one either. People like to think of life as being black and white, good and bad, but the truth is we all live our life as morally gray. We are both good and bad, we do both right and wrong. And I? I am no saint. Despite what Kara believed, I wasn't as good as she made me out to be. I think I was more devastated by that revelation than anything else. Because... because she made me want to believe - believe that I was good. But the second Lex told me the truth I, I found the darkness in myself - all of the anger, and the hurt that I'd locked away. A lifetime's worth of hatred, and I focused all of it onto Kara."
"Lena-" Alex's voice quavered, as she tried to console the woman next to her.
"I still haven't apologized to you for..."
"You don't have to apologize to me, Lena," Alex laughed. "I forgave you a long time ago."
"You did?" Lena seemed shocked.
"Yeah," Alex nodded. "You made her laugh," Alex recounted. "For months, I was barely able to get my sister to smile. I fought tirelessly for every single one. I...I missed her smiles. I missed that bright glint in her eyes that she gets when she finds something funny. For months, I struggled. And then the first game night you came to, it was like someone had flipped this switch and my sister was back. I've never heard her laugh so hard, or seen her smile so brightly. You... You may have taken my sister away for a time, but you also gave her back... at a time when she was greatly suffering. These last months, you haven't seen behind the scenes, but I have. You have reminded Kara what it is like to be happy, and safe, and loved, and I will never be able to thank you enough for that."
“I just can’t help but feel as if I could have had so much more time with her,” Lena cried. “We could have gone out on dates, maybe even moved in together. Instead, she’s wasting away, and I have no idea of how much time I have left with her.” Lena wiped away all of her tears with the flesh of her palm. “She apologized to me, begged me to stay and I still left.” Lena groaned, “How do you forgive someone when you can’t forgive yourself.”
Alex said honestly, “You just have to forgive yourself. Look, whatever happened? It's in the past. You can’t change it. You can only accept what’s going on now and make the best of it.”
“Like the serenity prayer?” Lena asked softly.
“Yeah,” Alex smiled, “Like that.”
“So how do I fix it?’ Lena inquired softly.
Alex looked up and down the hallway. “Well? For starters? You go back in there. You go back in there, and you don’t leave. And the truth is? It won't be easy. It's going to hurt. In fact, It's probably going to feel like you're slowly being gutted alive, every minute you're in there with her. Because it's Kara, and she's suffering. But you're just... you’re going to have to be strong for her…because she's scared and insecure, and she needs you to be the strong one right now.” Lena watched as Alex slowly pushed herself up from the floor.
"It's just... how? How am I supposed to do that?" Lena swallowed, "She's the last person on this planet that deserves a fate like this."
"You're not wrong about that," Alex acknowledged. "Just...be there. Love her. Much as it seems like it won't, the other stuff will fall into place if you can just do those two things. Kara has given so much to this world, Lena. She's given her heart, her soul, and every bit of energy that she has to give. Don't you think it's about damned time that someone gave something to her, for once?"
Well, when Alex put it like that, Lena had no choice but to say yes. Yes she did.
"Listen," Alex told her calmly. "I have something I've got to go and take care of. Can I trust you not to do anything disruptive while I'm gone?"
"Yeah," Lena laughed. "I... I think I can do that."
"Good," Alex said gratefully.
“Just stay with her, and take care of her until I get back.” Alex helped Lena up to a standing position, wrapping her arms around her in a hug.
“You can do this,” Alex told her with nothing short of absolute conviction in her voice. It made Lena believe she was stronger, and braver than she might have ever believed. If Alex thought her capable of handing this. Lena must be incredibly strong.
Lena nodded.
Alex gave her a kiss on the cheek and then departed.
It took Lena a few minutes to gather up enough courage to enter. When she did, she was surprised to see Kara was awake, watching the television with hardly any interest.
“Come back to yell at me some more?” Kara asked quietly, refusing to turn her head.
“Kara,” Lena found herself saying softly. “What I said… I… I didn’t mean it.”
“Yes you did,” Kara said, pointedly shifting so that she wasn’t facing her.
“I'm sorry. I know that I'll probably never be able to say this enough. But I'm sorry," Lena told her softly. Her voice was calm, composed as she said, "The way I reacted - the way I handled things was not the way I should have."
"You pretty much took it as well as I expected you would," Kara said in small voice.
"Which further reinforces your hesitation to tell me about all of it in the first place," Lena agreed. "No wonder you were so afraid to tell me."
"Lena-"
"I know," Lena told her patiently. "I know."
"Do you hate me?" Kara asked her. It was a question that Lena was completely unprepared for.
"Hate you?" Lena spoke the words incredulously. "Hate you?" Lena repeated. "God Kara! I hope that you don't actually believe that. Because I could never ever hate you. I would hope that you'd know that by know."
"It's just with what you said, it kinda seemed like maybe you did," Kara told her.
"No. God no. Please, Kara. I don’t think you fully understand how difficult this is for me right now,” Lena said, as she carefully sat down on the edge of the bed. “I - I know that we haven’t been together long, but somehow... somehow, against all better judgement, I found myself making all of these plans with you. You know? Most of them involved the usual stuff. Getting a place together, getting a dog – hell, a lot of dogs-, and all of the other stuff that comes with that. The truth is, I even thought about what it would be like to get married to you - of having a family with you. But now… now reality has come crashing down, and suddenly all of that stuff is… it’s gone. It's just gone.”
“Lena-”
“I love you, Kara,” Lena’s voice was pained. “In fact, I'm so in love with you that I feel like I can't breathe right now…And I'm so so angry with myself for not noticing."
"Please," Kara begged Lena, "It's not your fault. None of this is your fault."
"But it feels like it is," Lena argued, "Because.... I've been stuck in my own little world since I came back. It's just... Ever since I came back to National City I - I had this feeling, this hope. The truth is that I thought that I could... I could have it all. I was so happy. Happy to be given a second chance. Happy to be with you. Sure, it wasn't perfect... It's never been perfect with us, but it was as damned near close to perfect as I think one can get. I got all of these amazingly precious moments with you... moments that I will never forget. And at some point along the way, I fell... I fell head over heals in love with you."
"I fell in love with you, too," Kara nearly whispered.
"But I… I never noticed you wasting away in front of me, and I should have seen it. The signs should have registered with me, but they didn’t. And it feels like the first time all over again. I feel like a fool. How could I have not seen it? I'm smart. I know the signs, and yet I completely missed it.”
“You really had no idea?” Kara asked.
"No," Lena answered. "Which begs the question. How? How could I have let this happen? Did I.... Did I just not want to see it?"
"I don't know," Kara replied. "I wish I could answer that question for you, but I can't. I'm just... so so sorry. I really did want to tell you but the truth is…that I couldn’t even admit it to myself for a long time. Alex didn’t even know, at first…”
“I know. She - She umm... told me,” Lena confirmed.
“I guess that I thought that if I told everyone about it,” Kara explained, “That I would have to accept what I’d been avoiding all along….the truth. And the truth is, that I’m really, really sick.” Kara squeezed her eyes shut. “I’m scared.”
“Oh, Darling,” Lena breathed as she pressed a kiss into the top of Kara’s head. “I’m scared too.” Then, “I’m so scared.”
“I’ll understand if this is it, then,” Kara whispered. “-If you want to leave. It… might be better for you if you just forget about me and move on with your life.”
“You’re right,” Lena conceded the point, earning a sharp breath from Kara. “I’m sure my life would be a hell of a lot easier if I could just walk away right now and never look back.”
Lena’s heart broke a little bit, as a tear fell from Kara’s eyes. She could tell. Kara honestly thought that Lena was about to leave her and never look back.
But Lena couldn't. Alex was right. She would never be able to forgive herself if she left Kara now.
“But I’m not going anywhere,” Lena told her as she hooked a finger underneath Kara’s chin, and lifted the blonde’s blue gaze in order to meet her own. “Not now. Not ever.”
"I.... I don't understand," Kara's brow furrowed, as she struggled with Lena's declaration.
“I made the mistake of leaving you once,” Lena whispered, “And the only thing I did in my selfishness, was cause us both unimaginable pain. I think about that all of the time, and I wish I could go back and change it, but I can’t. What I can do, however, is make sure that I never repeat that same mistake again.”
“Lena-”
“Whether we have one more week, one month, one year, or a whole lifetime together, I’m with you,” Lena promised. “I will always be with you, Kara. I love you.”
“I love you, too,” Kara said emotionally, pulling Lena in for the softest of kisses - one full of a certain gentleness and the need to lean on one another for strength.
“We’re going to get through this together, I promise. Any Doctor’s appointments, treatments, you name it, I’ll be there.” Lena stole another kiss from Kara. She felt Kara’s lips quaver beneath her own, and pulled back to see Kara’s face scrunched up in pain. Kara’s body shook with sobs, and Lena climbed all of the way onto the mattress in order to cradle Kara against her. “Oh, Darling."
“I'm sorry… It's just.... I was so afraid that I was going to lose you,” Kara confessed between sobs. “I need you, but I feel so selfish for putting you through this – for making you watch as I waste away into nothing. I…I don’t deserve you. I’ll never deserve you.”
“Oh, love,” Lena said as she let go of her own tears, “You couldn’t be more wrong. You… you have brought so much love and light into my life. And I never paid you back for that. But that's going to change. I promise that I will spend the rest of my life doing for you what you did for me.”
“I lied… I lied to you over and over and over again,” Kara confessed. “My feelings and affection for you was genuine, but I lied about everything else. You were right to despise me. And I still believe that you’d be so much better off without me.”
"I guess we'll have to agree to disagree, then," Lena told her as she pressed another kiss the the crown of Kara's head. "Because I'm a better person for having known you. And I sure as hell am a better person for having loved you." Kara sighed, relaxing as Lena's fingers began combing through Kara’s hair. “I don’t know how to make you understand, but I want to be here with you. Kara, I...I love you more than I’ve loved anyone in my entire life. And I’m not about to let you go now. The fact is, I need you just as much as you need me.” Kara’s body calmed slightly with the soothing touches. “That’s it,” Lena coached, “breathe nice and slow. In and out.” Then. “I’ve got you. I’ve got you, Darling, and I’m never letting go. I promise.”