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It was subtle.
Small things, barely noticeable. In retrospect, Oliver wondered how many small, subtle things he had missed. If he had been more attentive, would things have turned out differently between him and his son? Oliver didn't know.
Oliver did know that he would never forget the times he had noticed. These instances were laced with an early confusion that slowly morphed into a gentle understanding. An oh, I think I finally get it now sequence of events.
There were five of them.
The first time, the thought didn't even cross Oliver's mind. It was only later when the thought did cross his mind, that this scenario became evidence. Oliver and Felicity had been lounging on their couch, curled up together. Oliver was the mayor of Star City at the time, and had gotten an early night off. They had been planning a family movie night all week. The popcorn was made. Movie all cued up. All that was missing was William.
Oliver glanced at his wristwatch Quentin had given him. William should have been home from school two hours ago. It wasn't that Oliver was an overprotective parent — he just wanted his son to be safe. And safe, he knew, was a relative term for the son of the Green Arrow. William had already been kidnapped twice. Oliver lived in constant fear that it would happen again. Three strikes, you're out, they say. He couldn't bare even the thought of losing William.
The door swung open. Relief washed over Oliver. William stood sheepishly in the doorway. "Sorry I'm late.''
"It's okay,'' said Oliver with a forced smile. He tried to control the uneasy fluttering of his heart.
"Where were you, hon?'' Felicity asked as William dropped his backpack and joined them on the couch.
"Zoey and I decided to hang out after school,'' William explained. "I'm sorry. I should have called.''
"It's okay,'' Oliver said again. Sometimes that was the only thing he could think of to say to William.
"You and Zoey have been hanging out a lot recently,'' said Felicity, eyeing William over he dark-rimmed glasses. Her blue eyes sparkled.
"Oh, uh, yeah, I guess.'' William said disinterestedly, kicking off his shoes.
"So?'' asked Oliver, catching onto Felicity's game.
William did not catch on. "'So?' . . . what?''
"Are you two . . . ?"
"What?'' William repeated, still confused. Then he realized what they were implying. "No!" His eyes widened. He sounded horrified and mildly disgusted. "We're just friends, I swear! We don't — I don't — ew. God, Dad, it's not like that.''
William's reaction amused Oliver. He chuckled and started the movie. About an hour into it, he realized William still looked rather uncomfortable. This surprised Oliver; he and Felicity had only been teasing William, and their son knew it. So why was he still upset over it? The more Oliver thought about it, William's reaction to his parents insinuating he had a crush on Zoey had come off a little too strong for Oliver's liking. Why did it matter if he liked some girl? Oliver wouldn't find the answer to this question for quite some time: it was not that William didn't want Oliver and Felicity knowing he liked a girl; it was the lack thereof.
The second time was under an already awkward set of circumstances. William's school sent out an email saying that they were temporarily discontinuing their sexual education program and parents should "thoroughly discuss these things" with their child. William, who was thirteen at the time, already knew what sex was, of course. So it was not the basics Oliver had to cover with his son.
Oliver vividly remembered when Robert Queen sat down with him and Tommy to have this discussion. The boys had been perhaps a little too young, but Robert thought Oliver should know as soon as possible and Malcolm Merlyn was still absent, so both boys learned at the ripe age of nine. Like William, it wasn't the "basics" young Oliver and Tommy were taught at that time. It was the awkward discussion every child has with a parent or teacher about protection, condoms, STDs, etc. Robert aptly called it the "Sex Kills" talk.
So it was not "The Talk" Oliver had with William as much as it was "a talk". The "Sex Kills" talk. At the end of the discussion, Oliver asked his son if he had any questions. Robert had done this too, prompting a very deliberately inappropriate comment from Tommy, which had sent both young boys into peals of laughter. William, however, silently nodded, not taking his eyes off his bedroom floor.
"Go ahead,'' said Oliver. He was desperately hoping it wouldn't be a personal question. Oliver had slept around quite a lot as a young man, which lead him to occasionally cheat on his longtime girlfriend Laurel, engage in several relationship at once, and participate in one or two very drunk threesomes. William was result of one of these stupid, selfish nights. Oliver did not wish to discuss any of these failings of his with his son. How would he explain to William that, while he regretted all these times, he did not regret him? Oliver barely understood it himself.
But William's question was none of these. Instead, he asked in a quiet voice, "Why does it have to be a boy and a girl? Why can't it be two boys?'' He quickly added, shame flooding his tone, "or two girls?''
Oliver had not expected that. "Well, it doesn't have to be. Technically, only a boy and a girl can have intercourse, but two boys — or two girls — can be in love and be intimate anyways. It doesn't really matter and it's not uncommon anymore. There are probably some kids at your school like that.''
"Do you know anyone like that?''
"Sure, I do. Felicity's friend Curtis was happily married to another man for a time. One of my old friends, Sara, has been with girls and boys.''
"What do you think of it?'' William drug a finger over the surface of the counter they were sitting at.
"As long as they're happy.'' Oliver didn't know where William was going with this.
William nodded. "Okay, thanks. I was just curious.'' He got up quickly and went into his room, shutting the door behind him.
Oliver sat alone for a few minutes. It was possible that William was just being shy and awkward, like most thirteen year old boys. Still, his behavior seemed . . . odd. It was in that moment, for the first time, Oliver considered that his son might be gay.
The third time, it was actually Felicity who noticed William's strange behavior. William was sitting cross-legged on her and Oliver's bed, while she was getting ready for a night out. They were talking about school. Math and things. The usual. Felicity was standing in front of the mirror inserting pearl earrings into her earlobes when William abruptly changed the topic of conversation.
"If you're going to wear the pearl earrings,'' he said, thoughtfully, "then you should probably wear the pearl necklace as well. The gold necklace clashes with them.''
Felicity considered her reflection. William was right.
"You could switch out the necklace instead of the earrings,'' William suggested. "But the gold complements your dress better than the pearl.'' He leaned forward, cocking his head, examining Felicity's reflection in the large mirror. "The gold would definitely be better. I'm just saying though. It's whatever you want.''
Felicity blinked. She removed the pearl earrings.
Later that night, over a glass of wine, Oliver complimented Felicity on her jewelry.
"William picked it out,'' she told him.
Oliver smiled uncertainly, not sure if she was joking or not. Felicity instantly picked up on his confusion and explained the whole scenario.
"When does he know about women's fashion?'' rhetorically asked Oliver.
"I guess he just has a natural intuition for it,'' she shrugged. "That or maybe his mom was really into that sort of thing?"
Oliver shook his head. "Samantha was never that kind of person.''
They were quiet for a few moments. The near-empty restaurant was quiet except for a couple stray murmurs. Oliver stared at his wine glass. There wasn't a problem, not really. So what if William was interested in things other young boys weren't? Did it really matter? No, it did not. But Oliver still felt like there was something William wasn't telling him.
The fourth time was much later. It was after Oliver had been arrested, after he had been sent to Slabside, and after he had returned home. It was after William had been expelled from boarding school and after he had left to go live with his grandparents. It was right after William had left. The house was quiet. Neither Oliver nor Felicity spoke. Oliver had scrubbed at his eyes with the back of his hands and went into their bedroom, closing the door gently behind him. Felicity sank onto the couch. She knew when Oliver wanted to be alone and she respected his privacy. No talking was necessary.
Felicity stared at the wall for several minutes, waiting for the knowledge to fully sink in. He left us. He doesn't want us to be his parents. He doesn't want me to be his mom. Felicity had come to think of William as a son, and she thought it was a shared sentiment. I guess I was wrong. Her heart ached. It had been a long time since she'd felt such an acute pain. She wanted it to go away. How would she make it go away? She was Felicity Smoake-Queen. Computer-science-hacker-mastermind. Felicity, genius wife of Star City's vigilante hero, the Green Arrow. Hell, she was Overwatch, for God's sake! She was a fracking vigilante herself!
Felicity sat up straight. She knew what she had to do. She had to do what she was good at. She had to hack something. She had to solve a problem.
Oliver had fallen asleep. After William left, he had lay on his made bed and stared desolately at the ceiling until he'd drifted off. A soft knock on the door roused him; years of fear of being stabbed to death in his sleep had made him a light sleeper. Oliver sat up and wiped his eyes as Felicity came in. She clambered up beside him. He wrapped his strong arms around her, burying his face in her blonde hair. He felt her cool fingers pressed against his neck.
They held each other like that until Felicity pulled away and handed him something she had set on the bed before their hug. Oliver looked at the object in his hands. It was Felicity's tablet. The one she used to hack with. Oliver stared at it, reading the codes on the screen over twice. It meant nothing to him. He looked up at his wife. "I don't understand.''
Felicity took the tablet back. Her hands flew over the screen momentarily, then the codes disappeared and she shut the device off. Felicity was equally good at covering her tracks as she was at hacking. She set the tablet back down where it had been previously. She let her hands drop into her laps. Her blue eyes stared at Oliver meaningfully.
Oliver waiting patiently for her to explain what she had done.
"I hacked William's boarding school.''
At hearing his son's name, a lance of pain pierced Oliver's heart. "Why?'' He asked tiredly. He knew Felicity's coping mechanisms included being productive and hacking dangerous people, although he didn't see what was so dangerous about the boarding school William had been expelled from. Furthermore, Oliver didn't understand how that could be productive.
"Because he wouldn't even tell us why he was expelled,'' said Felicity. "I had to know, Oliver. So I hacked the school's files. It was actually super easy.'' She said the last part extremely quickly and dismissively as she did when she was fully aware of how badass she was and was self-conscious of it. Then Felicity suddenly seized Oliver's hand, gripping it tightly. "I had to know, Oliver!" She repeated.
"Do you?'' He asked.
She nodded and tears filled her eyes.
"What happened?" He meant to say, but his voice failed him and only his lips moved. Oliver was simultaneously anxious and terrified to learn the answer.
"He got expelled for fighting with one boy,'' said Felicity, "and loving another.''
Oh. Oliver understood now.
Tears ran down Felicity's cheeks. "Why didn't he just tell us?'' Her voice cracked.
Oliver shook his head. He didn't know. When having the "Sex-Kills" talk, Oliver had reassured William he was not against homosexuality, hadn't he? Didn't William know he would be accepted with open arms by his parents? Did he fear rejection? The boarding school was a prestigious, pre-Ivy League all-boys school and did not accept homosexuality amongst its students, in case it "distracted them" from their studies. They must have somehow found out William's secret. Oliver wanted so badly to hug his son and reassure him that he was supported and loved. God, Oliver loved him so much. But Oliver was bad at communication. William had left for Central City with Samantha's parents thinking that he had a secret he could never share with the people who loved him most. Oliver briefly considered calling him and telling him that they knew, that they'd had their suspicions for awhile, and that it was okay. But Oliver realized that William needed to tell them in his own time. Forcing him to come out before he was ready would cause more harm than good. So for now, Oliver and Felicity would have to wait.
The fifth time was not when William called Oliver and Felicity and told them he was gay. Because William never did call them and tell them he was gay. During their infrequent calls, nothing of the sort was ever glanced upon. Oliver kept waiting for it to come up. He had a reply prepared, rehearsed. He knew exactly what he was going to say. But he didn't get the chance.
Oliver wondered if William was waiting to tell them in person. To tell him. He wished everyday he could invite his son to the hidden cabin so they could see each other in person, so William could meet his newborn sister Mia. William didn't know he had a sister. Oliver wasn't sure if he even knew his parents had left Star City. Oliver waited for William to bring it up. He never did. Oliver waited for William to bring his sexuality up. He never did.
One night, after Mia was asleep, Oliver and Felicity were cuddling on the couch when Felicity abruptly lifted her head from Oliver's chest. She looked him in the eyes and said, "Oliver, I miss William.''
Oliver's chest constricted. "Me too.''
Felicity lay her head back down. "We haven't seen him in so long. He probably looks so grown up.''
And I wasn't there to see it. Oliver hated himself and the crusade that lead him to have such a rocky relationship with his son. They never did face calls and William's grandparents never sent pictures. Oliver hadn't seen William in almost a year.
Felicity shifted so she could reach her tablet. "There might actually be a way . . ."
Oliver perked up. "How? Are you going to hack his school cameras or something?" His mind was racing with possibilities.
Felicity laughed. "Not quite.''
"Then how else . . . ?"
Felicity eyed him coolly. "I can do more than just hack, you know.''
"Of course,'' said Oliver quickly.
"Have you ever heard of Instagram?"
"It's like Facebook, right?''
"Yeah, but for young people.''
Oliver asked, "But how are you going to find him?"
"You can just look people up, see,'' Felicity showed him the bright screen with an aesthetically designed website open. It looked like the kind of thing pre-Speedy, pre-Roy, seventeen year-old drug-addict Thea Queen would have dangerously active on.
Felicity typed William's name into the search engine. She found him, but a notification popped up that his account was private and could not be viewed unless she followed him. "Give me a sec.''
"Are you hacking Instagram?"
"I already did, I'm just hacking it more now. You need an account to search for people anyway.''
Oliver did not bother suggesting that Felicity just create an account. It would be too much trouble, and both he and her were off the grid, and a simple social media account might very well blow their cover and get all three of them killed.
"Got it!" Felicity smugly passed the tablet to Oliver. How she had managed to hack one of the most seemingly popular social media platforms, he did not know. She never ceased to amaze him.
The tablet displayed William's near-empty account. He was clearly not very active. He had only three posts, none of which he was in. He wasn't even in his profile picture. Before Oliver could be properly disappointed, he caught sight of two other posts, both of which William was tagged in.
The first post was from a couple months before. It was a slightly unfocused selfie of William and a boy with dark hair and wire-framed glasses. In the picture, the boys were hugging, laughing at some private joke, their faces pressed close together, the dark-haired boy's glasses askew. It was simply captioned "happy 14th bday will".
The second photo was from just a few days ago. It was of the same boy in the first post and William. They were standing outside some scenic Central City location. They were holding hands. There was no caption.
Oliver stared at the photos for some time. William was surprisingly unchanged. He'd maybe grown three inches or so. His face looked more like a teenager's than a child's. That was all. What Oliver was most surprised was that William had a boyfriend. They obviously weren't "just friends". They looked too happy together to be "just friends". Oliver would have been happy for his son, but he couldn't move past the fact that William hadn't told him. William had a boyfriend and he'd said nothing to Oliver and Felicity. He hadn't even told them he was gay yet.
That night, after Felicity had fallen asleep, Oliver wept quietly for his son, who deserved so much better of a father. A father he could confide in, share things with, be himself without fear in front of. A father he could proudly introduce his boyfriend to. No matter what he did, no matter how damn hard he tried, Oliver was not that father.
Oliver Queen had failed his son.
The world was ending.
Or at least, it felt like it was. Oliver was staring at his adult son. William, all grown up. Felicity, gone. Mia, the daughter he'd barely ever known, also grown up and as stubborn and spiteful as humanly possible. Where had time gone?
According to the future-versions of his own children, John's apparently adopted son Connor, Rene Ramirez, and Dinah Drake, the future Star City had gone South shortly after he had left with the Moderator, and a slew of bad things had followed.
Time travel. It was such a difficult concept to wrap his head around. But William was right there. That was the hardest part. His son was an adult. His son had grown up without him. Mia had too, of course, but she'd just been a baby when Oliver left. William had been fourteen years old. He'd actually known and had a relationship with his dad. Oliver had abandoned him. Oliver and Felicity had meant to regain custody of William at some point, when the time was right. But that had not happened. They had just left him.
Oliver felt like he should say something to William. Go try to explain what was going on. Oliver realized he could not. He did not understand what was going on himself. But William was sitting alone and it was a quiet moment, and it might be Oliver's only chance to speak to William. He approached him.
Oliver sat down across from his son. "Can you tell me something good about the future, please?''
"Well,'' William smiled ruefully, "you know those computer projects that I would work on in my room when I,'' he briefly paused, "wasn't talking to you?"
Oliver laughed softly, remembering the trying times well. "Yeah.''
"I turned that teen angst into a multi-billionaire dollar tech implant.''
Pride washed over Oliver. "That's phenomenal! I get the feeling I'm going to be really, really proud with the way you turned out.'' Oliver already was really, really proud, but he was not sure how to turn it into words.
William averted his eyes. "Yeah, well I didn't just turn out, I um . . . There's something I should tell you.''
His son grew agitated. William suddenly looked ashamed, then ashamed of being ashamed. Uneasiness settled over Oliver. Of course something had happened to throw his son off course. The twisted, nightmarish future couldn't have possibly let William grow up completely unscathed by its wrath. Still, Oliver couldn't imagine what his boy was about to tell him.
William dragged his gaze back up to meet Oliver's.
Oliver waited.
"I'm gay.''
Something inside Oliver slipped quietly into place. Relief flooded him. He'd been expecting something terrible, but in reality, he had gotten something he had always wanted from William: the truth. William had finally decided to tell Oliver that he was gay. Oliver had known this for awhile, but had been waiting for William to be ready to say it himself. And he finally had.
"Yeah, buddy, I know,'' said Oliver, with a softly affectionate smile.
"You know?'' William's eyebrows knitted together in surprise.
"Yeah,'' Oliver said again. "Felicity and I knew and we just,'' Oliver searched for the right words. This was harder than he thought it would be. "We hoped that you were going to come out to us when you were comfortable. But you didn't get that chance. And that's on me. So . . . I'm sorry.'' Tears burned in his eyes.
William's eyes were brimming too. "Dad, we all have the chance to get to know each other now,'' he said earnestly.
"Your sister won't let me,'' said Oliver.
"Mia will come around.'' Oliver was struck at how confident William sounded. At least they got to know each other . . . "She can be a little bit stubborn, and hard to read sometimes—"
"Shocker,'' Oliver muttered. "Where'd she get that from?''
"Mom, I guess?" said William with gentle sarcasm.
He and Oliver both laughed. Oliver couldn't remember the last time he had had a good laugh with his son. Even though William was a grown man now, it didn't change the fact that he was Oliver's son. And God, Oliver loved him so much. He regretted bitterly that in the future he never returned from his quest with the Moderator and William had to grow up without him. William had had to grow up in constant question of whether or not his father would accept him for his sexuality. But now William knew he did. There had been so much time lost, so much damage done, but at least this was clearly established between them now. The relief was tremendous for them both, Oliver thought.
Oliver wasn't much of a hugger. There were a few exceptions. Lingering, romantic ones for Felicity. Friendly, brotherly ones for Thea. And the occasional emotional bro-hugs for John. But now in this moment, embracing his son felt right. Adult William was only a couple inches shorter that Oliver, but he felt like he was holding his young, frightened boy once again. Oliver had longed to hug him like this ever since he first knew William was gay. And now he was. Holding him tighter, Oliver swore to never let him go.