Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Welcome to me chatting absolute shit and having a good time.

—————

ApeShit changed chat name to DEDSUCK

ApeShit: SHIT BOIS

ApeShit: THAT FUCKIN PURPLE BITCH FROM DEDSUCK SAW ME TODAY 

ApeShit: WE MADE EYE CONTACT 

ApeShit: THEY KNOW IM BACK 

ApeShit: RESPOND YOU FUCKS 

Douche: WHAT HAPPENED TO BEINF STEALTHYY??

ApeShit: I WANTED DOUGHNUTS 

Douche: YOU BLEW YOUR COVER OVER DOUGHNUTS??

Effiel69: lol sucks 2 b u 

ApeShit: stfu ratboy 

Apeshit: We can’t all have secret identities 

Effiel69: cry moar 

Douche: Do you type like that just to piss people off?

Effiel69: yeah 

ApeShit: CAN I GET A LITTLE ADVICE OVER HERE??

Effiel69: fake your death 

Effiel69: worked for me 

ApeShit: PLAYING DEAD WONT HELP ME HERE SHITHEAD 

Douche: shit 

Douche: I can’t risk going out 

Douche: they think I’m in jail

Effiel69: so what I’m hearing is I’m the one who has to do shit now

Apeshit: Damn right 

ApeShit: get off your skinny ass and do something 

Effiel69: I do things! 

Douche: Name 1 thing you do

Effiel69: ...

Effiel69: I’m pretty? 

ApeShit: I mean you right 

Apeshit: go get doughnuts

Effiel69: you’re not the boss of me!

Douche: Go get the doughnuts

Effiel69: Weren’t you literally just yelling at Lenni for getting doughnuts!?

Douche: yeah 

Douche: But now I want doughnuts 

Effiel69: I’m not getting dressed and going halfway across the city for fucking doughnuts 

Douche: I’ll buy you those polish candy bars you like 

Effiel69: ....

Effiel69: How many? 

Douche: 12 

Apeshit: A dozen doughnuts in exchange for a dozen gifts from the home land

Effiel69: I hate you both 

Effiel69: I should have stayed dead 

Apeshit: Is that a yes? 

Effiel69: what kind do you want? 

—————-

Effiel69: shit I think I see that girl 

Apeshit: SHES STILL THERE???

Effiel69: I mean I think it’s her

Effiel69: I’ve never seen her before 

Effiel69: she has purple in her hair???

Douche: Take a sneaky pic 

Effiel69: bruh 

Effiel69: she has two guys with her 

Apeshit: Fuck 

Apeshit: Bet it’s Marcus and Roboboy 

Effiel69: shitshitshitshitshit

Douche: what??

Apeshit: Oh god 

Apeshit: we’ve lost him 

Douche: JAY?? 

Apeshit: Fuck 

Apeshit: Where are you going to find another emo twink for our group??

Douche: our doughnuts!

Apeshit: nO 

Apeshit: HE CANT DIE YET 

Douche: Our fallen brother 

Douche: They’ll tell tales of him 

Apeshit: In sovengaurd

Apeshit: I don’t know what I’m more sad about 

Apeshit: The loss of rat boy or the doughnuts?

Douche: The doughnuts.

Apeshit: u right 

Effiel69: well I’m not dead but thanks for caring more about doughnuts than me

Apeshit: Doughnuts are immortal. You aren’t. 

Douche: what happened??

Effiel69: fuck man they came over 

Effiel69: I thought it was going to get straight up stabbed in a Dunkin Donuts

Effiel69: Turns out I had a left a line of code I was working on my arm in sharpie and they saw 

Effiel69: tried to convince me to follow them on their app

Effiel69: and then as we’re leaving the purple chick says she liked me hair and then fuckin 

Effiel69: winked?? At?? Me??

Apeshit: *gasp*

Apeshit: you’re in with them now 

Effiel69: no 

Apeshit: inside job 

Apeshit: inside job

Apeshit: inside job

Effiel69: if I’m pretending to work with them who’s gonna get you doughnuts??

Apeshit: Dusân 

Effiel69: WHY COULDNT HE HAVE GOTTEN THEM EARLIER THEN???

Douche: I hate to say it 

Effiel69: don’t 

Douche: she’s got a point 

Effiel69: I’ll throw these doughnuts in the ocean 

Apeshit: not the doughnuts! 

Apeshit: see reason! 

Douche: I’m just saying 

Douche: you could be 

Douche: our rat 

Effiel69: actually fuck you both 

Effiel69: I’m holding these doughnuts hostage 

Apeshit: TRAITOR 

Apeshit: I KNOW THEY’D TURN YOU ON US 

Effiel69: YOU DID THAT YOURSELF

Douche: We’ll track your phone 

01000110 01110101 01100011 01101011 01110101  set your fucking names to Defaltsbitch1 and 2 ~(  8:> ~  (   8:>

01000110 01110101 01100011 01101011 01110101 : Come fucking find me then 

Defaltsbitch1: YOU FUCKER 

Defalrsbitch2: I’m revoking your phone after this 

01000110 01110101 01100011 01101011 01110101 : ( ✧≖ ͜ʖ≖)╭∩╮

Chapter Text

The past few months hadn’t been easy. First the whole thing with DedSec, then the getting arrested and having to get out of prison, it had all been a wild ride and Dusân has truly, truly thought nothing would ever come close to being as frustrating as that situation was.

He was wrong.

Turns out trying to do yoga with your two actual children screaming at each other in the background was easier said than done.
The whole ‘getting-together-because-we-all-hate-DedSec’ idea has been great in theory, really it had. Unfortunately Lenni and Defalt were very similar shades of obnoxious, sometimes that worked, sometimes it didn’t. They were either the best of friends or mortal enemies

“It goes ‘I’m blue daa baa seems daa baa doo’!”

“It’s fucking not! You sound like a fucking Flintstone!”

They’d been having an argument about what the correct lyrics for ‘I’m blue’ for about half an hour now, slowly rising in volume as the argument progressed, neither willing to back down from this argument. Defalt was the most passionate, something about how it was ‘in his blood’.

His blood was about to be out if he didn’t shut up soon.

“I’ll fucking prove it to you!” Lenni yelled “Alexa! Play I’m blue by Eiffel 65”

Alexa beeped in acknowledgement, the song started blaring out from the speaker, Dusân smacked his head against the yoga mat, wishing he had just stayed in prison. As expected, playing the song actually solved nothing

“See! It’s daa baa Dee daa baa die!”

“No! That’s wrong!”

“They literally just sang that! You can’t say the people the wrote the song are wrong!” Defalt yelled back, banging a fist against the kitchen counter. The argument continued, Dusân just allowed himself to take a moment to really evaluate his life choices and everything that had led him to this exact moment. He had no idea where it had all gone wrong.

“Okay, you know what? That’s enough!” He exclaimed, voice strained from his immense frustration “Shut up, sit down, we’re doing yoga”

“Ew”

“Don’t ‘ew’ me, rat boy” He rolled his eyes, looking over at the two of them still slightly red faced from yelling. They were both disasters in so many different and unique ways “Neither of you look like you’ve exercised since high school, it might actually help you”

“Do I look flexible to you?” Lenni asked, gesturing to herself “Does it look like I’ve got gymnastic talent in here?”

“Just sit down”.

Getting them to exercise was surprisingly amusing, mostly because the two of them were useless at it. Even with Defalt long limbs he somehow struggled to even touch his toes and Lenni just grunted and complained the whole time. Somehow the suffering of his friends managed to help him reach a zen place, a content smile playing on his face as he twisted into a pose, Defalt and Lenni groaning in exhaustion as they strained to copy him

“Ughhh I wanna die” Defalt whined

“Nothing new there” Dusân hummed “We’ve got ten more minutes, just ham it out”

“But daaaaaad” Lenni groaned

“Stop acting like brats”

“Don’t bring my kinks into this” Defalt sighed, flopping back down into the floor like a wet noodle, his spindly arms and legs taking up far too much space

“Ugh move over, rat boy” Lenni said, crashing down next to him, the two seemingly content to just kind of lie on the floor in a heap of exhaustion. Dusân continued his set, able to cool down in peace as his two devil spawns lay peacefully on the floor, watching something on their individual phones, one final deep breath and he was in a standing position, the workout was over finally

“That wasn’t so bad, was it?” He teased, getting annoyed bodies in response “You guys wanna watch a movie?”

“As long as it isn’t Ratatouille” Defalt shrugged

“Ratatouille it is then”.

Chapter Text

Apeshit: omg

Apeshit: I just saw some kittens

Apeshit: we need a squad cat

Apeshit: or a squadron of cats

Apeshit: ????

Apeshit: guys???

Apeshit: Hellooooooo???

Douche: HeYy

Apeshit: Took your fucking time

Apeshit: Where the hell are you guys?

Douche: Dolores Parkkk

Douche: ThHere was this fcukin guy

Douche: blue hiared bastard

Apeshit: wtf are you on?

Apeshit: wait

Apeshit: YOU GUYS GOT DRUNK WITHOUT ME!?

Douche: noooooooii

Douche: yes

Douche: we’re sorry

Apeshit: fuck you guys

Apeshit: Where’s Ratboy?

Douche: HeS on r Oof

Douche: rooof

Apeshit: ??????

Apeshit: That answered none of my questions

Effiel69: SHHHH

Effiel69: I’m bsuy!

Apeshit: Ratboy I swear to god whatever you’re doing you better stop rn

Apeshit: or at least wait until I’m there too

Apeshit: Dusân how did you even manage to be out without being recognised?

Douche sent a picture

Apeshit: nO!

Apeshit: not the Jesus beard!

Douche: My face is cold

Apeshit: I was gone for three hours

Effiel69: *hacker voice* I’m in

Effiel69: Get yo ass over here

Apeshit: do I want to know?

Effiel69: I’m in the DedSec servers

Effiel69: fuck yeah I still got it!

Apeshit: bRuH

Apeshit: WHY ARE YOU ACTING LIKE THAT ISNT A HUGE FUCKING DEAL?

Apeshit: ALSO H O W?

Apeshit: WHY ARE YOU ON A ROOF???

Douche: Eyyyy

Douche: you did it!

Douche: I owe u a drink

Effiel69: fcuk yeah u do!!!

Effiel69: ....

Effiel69: Idk how to get down

Apeshit: Why have you put this responsibility on me??

Apeshit: I can’t be the mom friend!

Apeshit: I don’t have enough self control for that!

Apeshit: guys?

Apeshit: ah fuck you better not be dead!