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Hello, everyone who opened this Archive of Our Own document. You are probably wondering why you need to highlight this entire text. Well, that is just a typing quirk of mine. I have had people complain about it but you will get used to it. I could forgo it, but I would like to keep some of my secrets hidden from wandering eyes.
You are probably wondering how the story “Friendship & Stuff” unfolded. You had seen it update through February to April and were curious to the content, but the tags frightened you away. I cast no judgment on that. These days, few humans are interested in “unusual object swallowing”, to the despair of carnies. Some of you might have read only part of it and decided that consuming a coffeeshop alternative universe was a better way to spend one’s limited time on Earth. I cast no judgment on that either. Yet despite it all, you may have remained curious. Now that side stories are on their way, with characters and relationships you desire, you want to know what you missed. This is why I provide this guide.
Though I will leave out the details of the torture the protagonist went through, I cannot excise every mention of incest. I do not understand the human taboo of incest. It seems even amongst yourselves you do not agree what is taboo and what is not. Yet as a polite host, I will not get into an argument about it. If discussions of incest make you unwell, feel free to push the back button.
Our story begins in December 15, 1959, with the birth of Henry Jarvi Korhonen. No, that is too early. Perhaps December 1989? No, still too early. Yes, our story begins July 6, 2018.
Our protagonist, whose birth certificate bears the name “Kelvin Ferenc Vadas” but the story calls Karkat Vantas, was camping with his friend “Gabriel Alastair Michaels”, again called “Gamzee Makara” for the purposes of this story. Karkat met Gamzee in American middle school, yet after Karkat went to college and Gamzee stayed in his hometown working at a tattooing establishment, the two friends drifted apart. Recently, the two reconnected online. Karkat found out that Gamzee had been cast aside by his boyfriend, known on his birth certificate as…let’s just say the common names from now on, so Tavros Nitram. Karkat said yes to a camping trip, despite his distaste for the pastime, in order to cheer up Gamzee.
So they went to the fictional Michigan location Isle Lomat. The author, having only once been to Michigan and that was on a layover, did not see the need to make it a real location. Karkat and Gamzee set up camp on the shore. They had your typical camping fun, perhaps in excessive detail given the need to make a word count, yet there were dark clouds.
Karkat found out through a slip in conversation about Pokemon Go that Gamzee’s tragic breakup occurred more than two years ago, instead of just a few months. Karkat complained that the trip was a waste of time, though despite these hurtful words he did not leave. Which is just as well, since he cannot drive.
More shockingly, Gamzee confessed to Karkat that he had carnal relations with Karkat’s ex-girlfriend Terezi during an alcohol-fueled Christmas. Despite Karkat’s slut-shaming of his former girlfriend, he was shocked by this revelation. Humans are so easily shocked.
Though Gamzee had betrayed Karkat’s trust twice, Karkat still accepted a marijuana cigarette from him. The cigarette was laced with n-n-dimethyltryptamine and caused Karkat to have a vivid hallucination that foretold his fate. I would question the accuracy of this scene, but I, like the author, have never had hallucinogenic drugs.
To make matters even worse, Gamzee made physical advances towards Karkat. Karkat managed to make him stop with some harsh words. He then went to Gamzee’s truck to sleep, planning to leave the next morning.
The story does not end there. Gamzee, through subterfuge and distraction, drugged Karkat again, this time with a dissociative. He took Karkat to a cabin on an island and injected him with a paralytic. Karkat spent much of Sunday in a soporific state.
When Karkat woke up, Gamzee revealed the truth. Instead of being a member of the Unitarian Universalists, he was a member of my religious organization. That is, the Church of the Mirthful Messiahs.
Gamzee forced his ex-friend to consummate his secret crush at gunpoint. So starts a week of torture.
After this ordeal, Karkat realized his Austro-Hungarian coin pendant, the only possession his maternal great-grandmother had saved from the National Socialists, had been taken from him. Gamzee put it under a tile in the bathroom. I knew this, but Karkat did not.
The next day, Gamzee’s paternal first cousin and adoptive father Kurloz Makara arrived. Gamzee and Kurloz kissed in a carnal manner, revealing their intimate relationship to Karkat. The two then took Karkat into the master bedroom and I do not need to spell out what happened.
Shortly after that, my Handmaid arrived, with Kurloz’s girlfriend Meulin Leijon. The Handmaid is called the Demoness in this story. She also has a Cantonese name, but we’ll call her Damara Megido. Damara brought with her a satellite phone, which will become what you humans call a Chekhov’s gun.
Meulin shaved Karkat in preparation for a ritual she did not explain. She appeared to naive humans to be nice, yet I know what a lie this niceness is.
The cadre started the process of tattooing Karkat with Alternian words. Given Karkat would not be given time to heal, this may seem unnecessary, but it has important psychological purposes.
After some more torture and dinner, the cadre watched a movie by Joseph Utsler and Joseph Bruce. Damara grew tired of this movie and put in a different one. It showed the death of Mituna Captor. Karkat recognized Mituna firstly as the YouTube performer GameBro, secondly as his friend Sollux’s cousin, which says a lot about society. Karkat was so horrified he ran out of the cabin. Unfortunately, he could not get off the island and only managed to get his foot broken in a trap.
So Karkat spent a week in the cabin being tortured and tattooed. He did find out more about what was going on. He found out the “cult”, as he would so crudely put it, consisted of reincarnations of Alternian purplebloods. He found out the Alternian civilization was destroyed and the members hoped to summon my royal servant Condesce to restore it. He found out he was considered to be a reincarnation of a heretic who defied my Church. He also found out less important things, like Meulin knew about Gamzee and Kurloz’s relationship and my Handmaid was the same shy girl who attacked her boyfriend with a screwdriver.
Karkat had a violent dream about Mituna Captor, since the author wanted to add more gore. This dream did reveal that Karkat wasn’t exactly the same heretic who defied my Church.
Throughout the week, tensions ran high, though Meulin tried to dampen them in that common pathetic human manner. My Handmaid and Kurloz once had an affair and he still had an interest in her. My Handmaid had a pathetic crush on Meulin. Gamzee resented my Handmaid. Though they all pulled together for an orgy, they soon all fell apart.
Karkat plotted another escape. He found the coin pendant and stored it in what he thought was a secure space. He convinced Meulin to get him the satellite phone from my Handmaid. Meulin tried to seduce my Handmaid, but my personal Asian schoolgirl had an ethical code that forbade her from being “the other woman”. Even though I know the reason why I still find it odd, especially given the tasks she has done with a glee that goes against most human codes. Still, Meulin’s seduction worked well enough that she could abscond with the satellite phone. Karkat called the police. Yet I have many local police departments in my pocket. One of my agents transferred him to Gamzee’s phone, which Karkat and the audience assumed did not exist. Karkat, in his incomplete knowledge, or perhaps in wishful thinking, mistook Gamzee’s voice for his beloved Terezi. He confessed his undying love to her. He found out the truth when Gamzee came back in. More horrors came. My Handmaid took away from Karkat the ability to give Terezi children.
The night before the last day, the truth behind a pair of parental deaths comes to light. Gamzee’s mother is rumored to have died at the hands of his father. (This rumor is true.) Gamzee’s father was later killed by my Church, though not in punishment for anything. Karkat’s parents’ double death was also orchestrated by the Cult.
On Friday, July 13, 2018, “Karkat Vantas” was to be executed. Yet it did not happen. Gamzee, usually a willing vessel for such plots, rebelled against killing his object of obsession. He found out the truth that it was test of loyalty and his loyalty was to his friend, despite all the torture. Kurloz tried to convince Gamzee that he sacrificed his own friend Mituna, which is laughable since I know how much Kurloz hates his ex-friend. Gamzee saw through this and attacked Kurloz. There was a scuffle. Gamzee played foolish and ended up with a bullet in his kneecap. The cadre went to the execution spot, though some had to be carried there. Kurloz was about to execute Karkat when my royal servant arrived. Of course I had foreseen this and made plans accordingly, but this was a surprise to the group and many of the readers. My royal servant did not care for her worshipers, including my Handmaid (Rest in Peace), yet she was fond of Karkat Vantas. She took him away in her spaceship.
Those are the events of “Friendship & Stuff”. Much has not been revealed. Some of this is because the author does not even know the truth. The author will have to divine it during November 2019. Some might say by “divine” I mean “make it up since this is a fictional story”. They might point out even this document was made by the author and not by Doc Scratch, who is a fictional character. Most everyone would say this story has nothing to do with reality. Yet are you completely certain of that truth?