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❝Though I am bruised
Face of contusions
Know I’ll keep moving❞
Remus would have never blamed D.
It was middle school, and middle schoolers were widely known for their passion of brushing off specific people who didn’t appear quite as appropriate for themselves in their eyes.
He had always been a devastating tornado according to those around him, unable to be tamed unless given space to burst until not even a gentle breeze was left to tickle his skin.
D, on the other hand, knew how to be cool and poised, but that didn’t mean his nature was the one of an innocent puppy.
No, better yet, he was more like a domesticated beast.
That truly gave the teachers a hard time, because once combined they became inseparable and never really ceased to meddle with them.
And yet … students were most definitely inclined to avoid Remus at best, while when it came to D only curious and interested glances were given.
Remus would have never blamed him though, D didn’t even realize how far better they were treating him compared to his friend. He only focused on how close-minded people still were in there.
Who was he not to join in his complaining?
Everything would have been fine with him for as long as their friendship stayed that way. A messy supportive two-participants family.
It felt like a welcoming and roaring fire at the same time, the chaos they brought just with their understanding looks and smirks.
They knew they were going to end up with a long lasting friendship and they were proud to remind those around them by never losing sight of each other at school.
And it was okay that way, with only just D accepting him the way he was, he didn’t really need much else.
Until that cursed afternoon.
There was an extracurricular sort of contest their school held right after lessons every year, but Remus could barely remember what it even was about
All he remembered was that damned marvellous thoughtful and focused expression when he looked a bit to his left to the boy sitting next to him.
Oh, the irony.
It had been right then that it had hit him. That maybe … maybe there was already something else. A something that transformed into something more with every little bit of interaction they shared.
Roman knew him, they were in the same class, and he had to complain at least once a day about how unnerving the guy was, always challenging him do debates Roman was so inclined to win that it took a third party member, Virgil, to separate them.
How the three of them were still close friends after three years was still a mystery to many.
So that was when he first heard about Logan.
But his brother and him weren’t exactly known for having the safest household in the world, so inviting friends over was a hard no. Then, the actual first time Remus had seen him was when he entered middle school that year.
At first he hadn’t obviously realized his crush, but after he had spent the minimal amount of time with Logan, it was so blatant that even he couldn’t deny it to himself.
He could have also labelled it as the first time someone other than his brother and D had recognized him as another human other than a weird poltergeist to avoid. There was a way he spoke with that low tone and thoughtful arguments that would have probably made him melt right on the spot. Or maybe it was his sharp features, or the way he thought he had looked at him that one time.
Remus was deep down the river at the base of the cliff, the tip of his hair barely managing to be untouched by the water.
Damn Roman. Damn Roman and his storytelling, and how Remus had always rooted for Logan in their discussions, how he had already taken a liking into him and had already doomed himself.
It was break, fifteen minutes of pure relaxation, and Remus and D had already spent the first five minutes together, trying to get away from the stress of the ending of the first term.
D’s eyes lit up as they turned a corner, Remus followed his gaze as he spoke.
« Hey! Why is this the first time I see you since school started? » a toothy smile displayed on his lips. It was almost as bright as the one he reserved to him.
« Your cousin is impossible to move from his seat. » Logan’s crystalline voice cleared. « So Roman and I mostly stay in class with him. »
« Ugh, » D rolled his eyes. « I apologize on his behalf. » he didn’t hide the fond tone when he talked, though.
« No, it’s quite alright by us. » had he ever not turned to Remus, maybe he wouldn’t have regretted meeting Logan in the long run. « Oh, I didn’t even introduce myself properly the other day. » he stretched out his hand. « I am Logan. »
« I know. »
Panic.
Fuck. Fuck what did you just say, why. Now he’ll think you’re creepy, too.
D put an arm around his shoulders. « Yeah, he’s Roman’s brother. » perhaps a saviour? « And sometimes he’s just as dense as him. »
Remus scoffed. « Lies. I’m a better idiot than him. »
That got a chuckle out of both. He felt delighted.
As he saw Logan about to withdraw his hand, Remus took it almost instantly.
Oh my god what the fuck are you doing?
« I’m Remus. » the bell rang and maybe his ears were too.
« My pleasure. » Logan conceded before letting go and starting to backtrack to his class. « I’ll see you two around. »
And as fast as he arrived, he was gone.
Like a blurry hallucination or those spots you see when you get up too fast from the couch.
The rest of the day-
Well, he didn’t remember much anymore.
Maybe the fact that he and Logan did actually have something in common.
When there was a group of three, there would always be the two that shared the stronger chemistry. And if Logan didn’t feel as close to Roman and Virgil, Remus sure as heck knew if anyone interacted with D and him, he would have felt like something was off most of the times.
There were flashes of memories that crossed his mind ever since Logan had left middle school to start his first year of high-school.
Most were all the meet ups they had with D during break, the glances he caught and buried deep down in his heart, the laughter of all three of them, how their dynamics colliding were actually definitely working well together.
What he remembered mostly were the furtive tears that were shed on their last day.
He never told D about that.
It was when he went home that he couldn’t have hidden it from Roman any longer. His brother had affirmed that he had been crying even more than himself, which was saying a lot.
So the words came out like a destructive flood, deleting with a burning strength all the hopeful thoughts.
« Rem, listen here. » Roman, thankfully, had spoken up before his mind would have travelled down risky paths. « Not seeing each other almost everyday doesn’t mean you won’t be friends any longer. »
He had only looked up from the pavement. Were he to look back at this memory years after he’d have thought himself to be pathetic.
« And you can definitely meet after school whenever you want. If our parents won’t let you, I’ll come with. »
And that they did, slowly trying to gain their parents’ trust to let them go out by themselves until they were both attending high-school.
Another three years would have passed before the lethal “last day” would come again, but the trio made sure to imprint the best memories together while they had the time.
Only that the most unexpected things happen at the worst times.
Remus and D were both in the third year; things seemed to be going smoothly as ever, between all the tests and mental breakdowns for said tests, Remus would have never thought to cross the threshold of his school and be met with loud yelling not too further away from his class.
Normally he wouldn’t have really cared much.
Unless the two subjects were Logan and D. Which they were. Which had also made him pale with a horrible feeling in his guts.
He couldn’t make out what they were saying as the screaming in his thoughts didn’t leave him alone.
« MIT, Logan. Seriously! You’re insane! »
« I had my reasons! »
D scoffed and put his face in his hands for a beat. « Refusing because of your friendships is not a valid reason! »
Remus was confused. He really didn’t want to be there at all.
« It is when you don’t want to lose them. »
« You wouldn’t have, you idiot! »
« Guys what’s- »
« There is a reason if we’re friends! »
« -going …? » he could see the profound rage in D’s caramel irises. One glance and you’re dead.
« You didn’t trust us to maintain our friendship, did you? Is that why you refused the international internship? »
« That’s absurd, that’s not what I mean! »
« It sounds a lot like it’s exactly what you mean! »
Remus connected the dots.
Friendship. MIT. International internship. Logan had refused to be an intern abroad only because of them. He had been too afraid to loose them as friends if he were to be away too long.
And, of course, D was mad about his lost opportunity. He would have never admit it at that moment, but he felt guilty, too.
« You sure talk a lot and pretend you’re smart but, really, you’re just as stupid sometimes. »
The look in Logan’s eyes changed.
Oh no. Oh no no no no.
« Fine then. I’ll keep on being stupid on my own. » he walked away in a instant, steps long and furious, opposing the low tone of his voice, but matching the seething fire in his chest.
« D- »
« Please, don’t. » D looked at him with broken eyes. « I’m fine. We’re fine. I’ll see you during break, okay? »
Remus only nodded and headed to his own class. He pretended he didn’t feel awful as he walked by the door to Logan’s own class.
It was as D said. Fine.
Everything was going to be okay.
Except it wasn’t, because that was the last time both of them talked with Logan.
The two wouldn’t even look at each other and Remus couldn’t help but side with D. That meant he wouldn’t have interacted with the older boy either.
And so time passed … months. Avoiding each other when all you ever wanted was to share at least a single word.
It wasn’t okay. It wasn’t fine at all, it hurt so much and Remus didn’t know how longer he would have been able to handle it.
Yet, he was too afraid to do anything. He wouldn’t have wanted to loose D’s friendship too because of a reckless action. And he did lots of them. So, for once, he stayed put and let the Fates do their work.
Which ended into the fight remaining unresolved, Logan graduating from high-school and both of them never meeting him again.
Roman had tried to bring up the argument multiple times, but Remus had decided to bury everything deep down and avoid ever bringing it up.
Like a ghost, Logan appeared to exist only in his mind. A mind that he didn’t seem to want to leave. Even despite all that had been going down his ridiculously tough teenage life.
Remus and D had no idea how they made it through the final exams.
They also had no clue how they almost completely lost contact after the beginning of university.
Maybe it wasn’t loneliness he felt after that. Maybe it was more disappointment.
It wasn’t like it was anyone’s fault, though. Their lessons never matched, so during the week it was almost impossible to meet, sometimes they had jobs in the weekend to pay for apartments nearby their universities.
Texts became a burden they both forgot to remember to answer, it was as if anything was a priority to socializing and it was driving them insane.
Even sad.
Then one day, out of the blue, D had texted him in a way he hadn’t done in too long. He sounded greatly excited and he had told Remus he needed to meet him as soon as possible.
He had a surprise!
Remus was radiant that day, finally getting the chance he deserved to recover their friendship.
It was a Friday afternoon, he was walking down the street towards the place they had agreed on to meet.
D was right in front of him. But enough meters away so that he couldn’t recognize yet the person walking alongside him. Remus narrowed his eyes, almost squeezing them shut at some point. Did the sun have to be so bright right above them that day?
He put a hand on his forehead to shield his vision.
He wished he didn’t.
Not because the guy next to D was Logan.
Not because his heart made three somersaults before twisting one last time as though he fell in love all over again at once, hitting his chest like a violent wind in a snowstorm.
Not because he was smiling so wide his face would have fallen off any second.
But because, as his eyes focused and examined their figures, he noticed the details.
Like their joined hands, fingers intertwined the way he would have wanted to but had never been brave enough to do.
How they looked lovingly at each other before turning back to him.
His own smile faltering for a second and then going back as it was before. Normal, sure, but fake. Fake, but not blatant enough to be discovered.
He couldn’t do this to them.
And sure he was going to be happy for them right? They had been friends. He was going to survive by internalizing everything in himself, right? He was going to forget about all his feelings in favour of his closest friends. That was the right thing to do.
It happened to everyone.
It did.
He could survive.
Hurting in the process, but he could.
The day went by in an instant, a terrible, calamitous and painstakingly long instant in which he hoped he had been hallucinating all along.
Remus had wiped everything he had seen while on his way home. He forcefully removed any kind of thought in his head so he could bask in the numbness until the silent chaos of the world around him stopped making sense.
He threw the door to his home open.
Except that it wasn’t his home and that he had somehow gotten to Roman’s own apartment, red eyes adorning his face in a brutally doleful expression.
His brother was immediately at his side, arms wrapped around his chest, with an understanding look in his eyes and anticipation for the tears to come.
He had known about Logan and D getting together before Remus, so he had seen something like that coming.
Yet Roman didn’t know it would’ve hit him hard too, seeing his brother so broken.
So he let Remus cry his soul out, while nothing else could have been done.
Dreaming, perhaps.
That was all he had left.