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"Logan, why didn't you use your claws while fighting Sabretooth?" Jean asked, still at a complete loss why he hadn't done so. Before he was always so quick to pop them free at the smallest provocation, his feral side always bubbling near the surface when he was in a fight.
Logan looked at her for a few moments before speaking, thinking about an answer he could give her that would satisfy her curiosity "I don't know, I wasn't really thinking about it, just thought to protect you darling." He hoped that would be the end of it but of course with his luck it wasn't.
"Ummm, ok. Why didn't you fight back at least? All you did was execute defensive maneuvers" Jean could tell he was avoiding giving her the truth but she had no idea what that truth was. There was seriously something wrong with him, his hatred of Sabretooth almost always put him in a near feral state if not full blown feral.
"I....I don't know" Logan lied. He couldn't tell her, tell anyone the truth. He would rather die than face the hatred he would see and feel from her, from everyone if he dared to utter the truth. "I guess I was still a little out of it from my time in the lab. Bastards did a number on me Red" he hoped that would ease her worry. She shouldn't worry about him, he wasnt worth it.
"Logan, can we talk about what they did to you in the lab? Maybe that'll help you deal with things" Jean felt a desperate need to help him, to help him heal from what they had done to him during his captivity. If she could just get him to open up.
"You saw it" Logan grumbled, wishing she would just let it go. He knew she wanted to help, Jeanie was one of the best people he had ever met, so kind, compassionate and understanding but he knew she couldn't help him this time, no one could. "Not much else to say about it."
Jean bit her bottom lip "I know you are holding something back. Why won't you talk to me?" She knew they had to have done more than torture him but what that was she had no idea. She couldn't really help him till she did.
"You're reading to much into it. I'm ok now" Damn she just needs to let this go. "Can I go for a walk?"
Jean just stared at him for a moment before speaking "Why do you keep asking for permission to do things? This is not like you." His spirit seemed broken and that troubled her more than she could say.
Shit he thought to himself. He knew he couldn't give any rational explanation without making her suspicious so he did his best not to "Everyone's always bitching about me, how I'm an inconsiderate bastard, a selfish prick, constantly doing whatever I want when I want with no regard for anyone else and now that I'm acting like you all want its a problem?" He did his best to sound angry, though his heart wasnt in it.
"We....Logan, we've never wanted you to be someone you aren't, you know that" she knew he wasnt mad, when he was there was no doubt to anyone about it, the anger and rage would ooze off of him but now he just seemed to be acting mad because he thought it was expected.
"Could've fooled me" he replied sneering or at least trying to. He hated to be this way to her but hoped it would end this conversation. "I feel like being alone. Im going to my room." And he got up and walked out of the kitchen. He had to get out of there, staying would only bring more questions, questions he dare not answer.
Storm walked in seconds after Logan left and saw Jean sitting at the kitchen table, clearly upset "Jean? Are you ok?"
"No, I dont think I am. Its Logan. There is something going on with him but I cant get him to open up" Jean answered, her concern for him had grown even more while she had been talking to him.
"I know. Its almost like he is a completely different person." Storm too knew there was something wrong with Logan, his behavior since they brought him home had made that very clear.
Jean looked at Storm with a serious look "Logan didnt even fight back Storm. Didnt pop his claws or attempt any type of offensive attack. He just defended." Watching Sabretooth go after him and him not fight back puzzled her greatly.
"That is....very disturbing" Storm didn't know how to react to that bit of news. She knew something was off with Logan but with what Jean said she was truly scared for his state of mind. Logan not fighting back? That would be like Scott not being an asshole.
"I just dont know what to do. I can't believe I'm saying this but he's so meek and seems so unsure of himself now." Jeans eyes teared up at the thought of what those scientists could have possibly done to make him act this way. With all he has been through she knew it had to be truly horrific.
Storm approached her and gave Jean a hug, tears forming in her own eyes. "We will help him through this. He's so strong. The best we can do is be here for him and make sure he knows he's not alone." Storm felt fury rising up in her, wanting to find the people responsible doing this to him and make them pay, Goddess forgive her did she ever.
Jean hugged her back fiercely, tears falling freely and just nodded her head.
Scott came in to grab a bite and noticed the two upset women "What's the dog done now?" He demanded angrily. Never a peaceful moment for anyone with that piece of trash around he thought.
Jean wiped her tears and frowned at her ex "He didn't do anything. We are just worried about him. And dont call him a dog. His name is Logan or if thats to much for you its Wolverine."
"Whatever. I dont know why everyone bothers, he's practically indestructible" Scott told them. All this concern for a animal and no matter what they thought or said to the contrary Scott knew that was the truth with no doubts.
"Scott, we care cause he's a human being and more importantly a member of this team, this family" Storm was so tired of Scott's attitude. Normally she just ignored it and looking back she realized maybe that was a mistake, it probably only emboldened Scott to act this way but now with whatever Logan had gone through she was done doing that.
"Like he knows what that means. He doesnt care about anyone or anything but himself. Always has and always will" Scott was amazed that they didnt understand that.
Jean glared at him "Why dont you just shut up? You've made your feelings and opinions concerning him perfectly clear and to be honest, we are all sick of hearing it. Let's go Storm." And with that both women left the room.
A voice from the doorway spoke "She's right. And I'm more than sick of it."
Scott turned towards the voice, taken by surprise and saw it was Rogue. He just smirked "Truth hurts sometimes Rogue. The sooner everyone realizes and accepts the truth about him the better off they'll be. Maybe if everyone would stop coddling him he'd finally leave."
Rogue had to take a deep breath to try to calm herself, she knew if she did what she wanted to right now that the Professor would be disappointed in her but it was getting to the point she was willing to risk that "Logan has saved my life numerous times, he almost died doing it at liberty island and he's saved yours and alot of others lives too."
Scott scoffed at her words "He only did that because he probably thought it was the only way we'd keep taking pity on him and let him keep freeloading off of us."
Rogue gave him a dangerous look and spoke in a low, threatening voice "Scott, I'm not like you, Jean, Storm or many of the others that live here. I survived on my own before Logan brought me here, I dont need this place like you, so keep that in mind the next time you bad mouth Logan in my presence or bad mouth him period. Because I promise you that if you do im going to do something to you that will probably force the Professor to tell me to leave."
*****
As Logan sat in his room his thoughts were swirling. He wished they had left him in the lab. At least then he wasn't a danger to them. Now after the incident with Sabretooth he realized he was completely useless. What good was he if he couldn't fight, protect the ones he loved?
He decided to head out to the lake and do some thinking. He always thought better when he was outside, free. He lit a cuban, grabbed a bottle of Jack Daniels and jumped out his window. He didnt want any company and was sure Jean told everyone about him not popping his claws by now so people would probably want to talk to him. Its not that he didn't appreciate their concern, he did, more than he could put into words but every time someone showed him they cared all he could do is remember what Destiny had shown him and then he felt like a monster, knew he was and didn't deserve their concern.
Logan wondered what he was going to do now that he knew he was useless in a fight. Before the fight with Sabretooth he had thought he could stay here still and try to protect them. How foolish he had been. He was already putting them in danger just by being here and now that he couldn't fight he was putting them in even more danger. Sabretooth would soon spread the word about the broken wolverine, unable to fight and when he did he'd be an easy target, all his enemies would descend on this place like a plague, putting the others here at more risk, even more so since they'd put themselves in danger to protect him. That thought pissed him off, endangering the first people he could remember ever caring for him.
Logan came upon the lake, taking a deep drag off of his cigar, contemplating his options. He could leave but that wouldn't really negate the danger he was to the team. After what was shown to him while he was captured he finally realized Scott was right, he was a danger to everyone. He could only think of one solution and he wasn't even sure it would work but he had to try.
Logan took one last drag off of the cigar and then threw it to the ground. He took a deep drink from his bottle and set it down in the grass. He pulled off his white tank top and let it fall to the ground. Next he removed his dog tags and placed them next to his tank top. With that done he slowly waded out into the middle of the lake, looking up at the night sky, enjoying the bright stars in the sky, just taking in the calm all around him.
Once in the middle of the lake he let his thoughts wander. He remembered meeting Rogue in the bar, her sneaking into his truck, how shy and unsure of herself she had been, how happy she was when he'd come home after being on the road, her jumping into his arms and hugging him so tight. He thought of all the times with Storm, they had such a unique bond, able to just be near each other, not needing words, just enjoying the presence of the other. Jean, her beautiful smile, the kindness and compassion in her heart, how good it had felt to hold her in his arms, the few kisses they had shared. He remembered all of the good things that had happened to him since he came here, smiling at the warmth it made him feel knowing he had finally found a home. He hoped they knew how grateful he was to all of them, how much he loved them.
Logan closed his eyes and looked up toward the night sky, thanking God, Budda or whoever or whatever for allowing him to have come here, to know what it felt like to be loved by others instead of only feared and despised. He hoped the others would forgive him someday for what he was about to do. He raised his right hand in a fist to his heart and his left just below his right rib cage. Please let this work he prayed. He popped out his claws in his left hand and ripped them across his body, shredding both his lungs as he did and quickly freed the claws in his right hand puncturing his heart. He slowly slunk down, letting himself disappear into the depths of the lake.
*****
Rogue entered the living room to find Jean, Storm, Kitty and Beast watching the news. That had become a nightly routine for them. Just to keep up with what was going on in the world, see how the media was portraying mutants. Unfortunately it seemed that the news media only wanted to focus on the few criminal mutants out there.
"Hey Rogue. You going to join us?" Kitty asked. She hadnt seen much of Rogue since they got back from rescing Logan.
"Nah sugar. I dont feel much like watching mutant haters on tv" she answered. She turned towards Storm and Jean "You seen Logan?"
Jean was the first to answer "Not for a couple of hours. He felt like being alone so he went to his room."
"Oh, ok. Think I'm going to head up there. See how he's doing" Rogue told them. She figured he could use some cheering up and he always seemed happy to see her.
"That's probably a good idea. I think I upset him earlier" Jean told her, feeling a little guilty for pushing him like she did.
"What do you mean" asked Beast curiously. Jean was one of the few people Logan had unlimited patience with.
"I was trying to talk to him, to get him to open up a little bit about what was done to him but I think I shouldn't have" Jean couldn't help it though. She'd always felt close to Logan and after she broke up with Scott they had grown closer, shared some kisses even.
"Logan knows you care Jean. I'm sure he realizes you were just trying to help him" Storm told her confidently.
"She's right Jean. He knows that, I've no doubt about that" Rogue added, trying to alleviate any guilt she may be feeling. "We all know he can be one stubborn jackass and he never opens up unless we practically force him to."
They all chuckled in agreement at Rogues last statement.
"Im going to head up there and check on him. If he's upset, I'll knock some sense into him" she joked but her heart wasn't I, it. "I'll talk to y'all later" she said heading towards the stairs and Logan's room
"Hey sugar, you awake in there?" She asked after knocking softly on his door. He was such a light sleeper that if he was asleep her steps towards his door probably woke him, that's why he took the very last room on the floor, hoping that it would mean less traffic to disturb him. She waited a few moments and got no answer. Might be in the bathroom she thought as she went ahead and opened the door "I'm coming in, hope your decent hon."
Rogue entered his room and he wasnt there. She walked to the bathroom and didnt see any lights so she opened that door also. He wasnt there either. She started to get a real bad feeling in her stomach so she headed back down to the living room quickly "He's not in his room. He say anything about going somewhere?"
Jean sat up quickly, feeling dread gathering in the pit of her stomach "No, he told me he was heading to his room."
They others looked at her, concern clear on their faces but Storm was the one who spoke first "I know he doesn't like people in his head but maybe this time you should go ahead and take a peek Jean? Just to make sure he's alright."
"I think in this instance, after everything he's been through he'd be ok with it" Jean agreed. She sent out her mind, looking for him. Shaking her head she looked to the others "I cant sense him but that doesnt mean anything, ive had a hard time doing that since we got him back."
"Kitty and I will check the school, why dont you three check the mansions grounds?" Beast suggested helpfully.
"Good idea Hank" Storm said approvingly. He always was the most composed and level headed of them "We all know how much Logan loves to be outside. I'm sure he's fine, just taking some time for himself to deal with what has happened.
*****
They had been walking the grounds for twenty minutes and there was no sign of him. Their worry increased every minute that went by. Jean looked to the other two women "I'll see if the Professor can tell us where he is. Doing it this way is pointless, he could be five feet away from us and we wouldn't know it unless he wanted us to." [Professor?] she sent. {Yes Jean? What can I do for you} [No ones seen Logan for a little bit. Could you find him so we know he's ok?] The reply she got back sent shivers down her spine {The lake! Get there now Jean! He's hurt}
Jean started running full speed to the lake and told the other women what the Professor had said to her.
"I swear, if Sabretooth has attacked him again I will end him!" Rogue threatened as they all sprinted there, her fear was almost unbearable. How much was this man she loved supposed to suffer, would it never end for him?
"I do believe there will be a line forming for that honor should it be the case" Storm added.
They all reached the lake and immediately noticed Logan's bottle, shirt and dog tags in the grass.
Rogue picked up the dog tags and looked to the other two women, puzzelment on her face "What does this mean? Where is he?" She felt sick with worry.
[Professor, we're here but theres no sign of Logan] she waited for his reply and when it came it nearly buckled her knees {In the lake} he sent to all three of them. They immediately rushed the water, diving in to find him. With it being night there was no visibility in the water so they had to search by touch.
Minutes passed and the trio all began to panic. "Where is he!" Cried Rogue while she gathered her breath before plunging back down, desperately feeling for him.
"Here!" Screamed Storm as she broke the surface, calling for the other women to help her get him to land, he was extremely heavy with the adamantium in his body. With their help she finally managed to get him to the grass. She turned him over and all three women let out gasps. "Goddess! What has he done?!" Storm moaned, the shock of seeing what he had done to himself making her heart shatter.
"No,no,no! This can't be happening!" Rogue was shook to her core seeing him like this. He has to be ok, he has to she cried to herself. "Jean, is...is he..." She was unable to even finish her question.
Jean was barely able to think, for a moment all she could do is stare, not quite able to comprehend what she was seeing but she finally managed to pull herself together, she had to, for him. She checked him for a pulse but got nothing and she almost cried out from the pain of that. With his claws still stuck in his chest she couldnt risk CPR, doing so could cause him to bleed out. She quickly scanned his brain to see if there was any activity "hes still there, just barely. Rogue, you're the fastest, fly him to the medlab, I'll tell Hank you're on your way."
Rogue scooped him up in her arms gently and flew with all she had. "Hold on you stupid bastard, please" tears falling freely down her face she pleaded with him as she rocketed towards the mansion, Jean and Storm following her as fast as they could.