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Magnus Bane met Alec Lightwood when he was six years old. He’d decided that the other boy was the perfect height to help him climb on top of the monkey bars, and he’d been right. (Of course, he’d fallen immediately off, but Alec had been there to make sure he was all right, and so he decided that he was never going to have an adventure without Alec again.) It was that easy.
They were inseparable and Magnus made sure that Alec knew just how much he appreciated his best friend, no matter his grumpy disposition. (Magnus did buy him many grumpy cat cards. They fit too well, and Alec secretly loved them, and he knew that, because Alec kept them all in a drawer in his dresser.) It was easy to be friends with Alec, and it was easier still to be there for Alec just like the other boy was there for him.
When they were fifteen, Magnus casually came out to all of his friends, announcing his sexuality with a bright, vibrant t-shirt. All of them supported him, but they didn’t know that he’d told Alec the night before, clinging tightly to him in a hug when Alec didn’t push him away, only hugged him tighter and told him that everything was going to be okay. For those few precious moments in Alec’s arms, held tight and protected from the world, Magnus let himself believe them.
When they’re sixteen, Alec brings him to a self-defense class when he comes home with another black eye and a brave smile on his face. Magnus throws himself into learning, refusing to be a victim, or allowing Alec to be his protector all of the time. He was strong enough to be his own protector, he just needed to prove it to himself. It’s worth it when, a year later, Magnus advances through the classes and skill levels to be able to join Alec’s class. The pride shining in Alec’s eyes as they spar together makes it all worth it, and so does the decrease in bullying.
When they’re seventeen, Magnus meets Camille and Alexander almost disappears from his life. He doesn’t notice until it’s almost too late, until he realizes that he doesn’t know what schools Alec has gone to tour, or where he’s thinking about attending, or if any of their old plans are still on the table. He doesn’t know any of it, and he can’t remember the last time he really talked to Alec and it makes his heart ache. He’d abandoned his best friend. When Camille casually mentions taking him to senior prom, Magnus remembers promising Alec that they would go together, because that’s what best friends did.
It’s surprisingly easy to say no to Camille, and as she stomps off, her eyes flashing angrily and her words biting and cruel. Magnus doesn’t feel anything but the wind on his face as he runs to Alec’s house, his whole body shaking when he pounds on the door and dashes past Izzy’s confusion when she opens the door. The path to Alec’s room is the same it’s always been, except now he doesn’t know if he’s welcome to open the door.
His knock is tentative and gentle on the door, despite how hard he’s panting and how much his heart his racing in his chest. He can’t have lost Alexander, he can’t have lost his best friend. He can’t, and he can’t believe what he almost let happen.
When Alec opens the door, his brows drawn together angrily, Magnus feels his heart fall into his toes and he’s about to apologize for bothering Alec when Alec’s face suddenly clears and goes wide-eyed in shock. Magnus starts talking then, babbling everything out, an apology, an explanation of why he’s been gone, that Camille is gone and that he needs Alec back, needs him in his life like he needs to breathe and he needs to know everything.
Alec blinks under the onslaught, but opens the door to his room and Magnus is glad that despite the months apart, Alec’s room is comforting and familiar and he walks to the middle of the room, before rubbing his eyes in frustration, well-aware he’s smearing his eyeliner. Alec never cared if he didn’t look his best. It was okay.
Alec draws him into his arms and holds him as he cries and Magnus clings to him, afraid for what he almost lost, and what he nearly let Camille do to them. Alec holds him just as tight, just as desperately, murmuring reassurances into his hair. It’s enough that it makes Magnus relax, and he savors it, his heart pounding as he stays protected in Alec’s arms, like always. They’re the safest place in the entire world.
Magnus is eighteen and in love with Alexander Gideon Lightwood. He is consumed by it and overwhelmed by it in turns. It’s there in everything - the arch of Alec’s neck as he tilts his head back to laugh, in his smile, eyes bright as he announces that he did well in an exam, or the truly exuberant happiness when they both get their acceptance letters to NYU. It’s everything, and even though he knows that Alec will never feel the same, it’s enough, because it’s more than he ever thought he’d get from Alec.
Magnus is still eighteen when Alec turns up on his doorstep, holding a duffle bag, his entire body shaking, tear tracks down his cheeks. It’s through shaky words and sobs that Magnus learns Alec has been kicked out of his own home and has nowhere else to go. So at eighteen, and in love with Alexander, they become roommates, because Magnus will do anything and everything to protect Alec as much as the other boy has protected him throughout the years.
Alec’s sobs are grateful as they lay curled together and Magnus holds onto him tight, whispering words of reassurance. It’s the inverse of their usual position, but he finds he loves it just as much as he loves Alec. Having the chance to protect Alec from his demons, to let the other boy fall apart and still know that he was safe was everything, Magnus wants it every day for the rest of his life. He presses his face to Alec’s hair and breathes, holding onto him as tightly as he dares.
They’re twenty two and sharing an apartment in Brooklyn. It’s beautiful and Magnus wants to live here the rest of his life. With Alec, preferably. Graduation is only a month away, and they are both buried in so much work, he’s sure that that they are keeping the local coffee shop in business on their own, but studying quietly in the same room as Alexander is something he wouldn’t change for the world. Like this, in his element, a pencil stuck between his teeth (he must be studying Kant, only Kant brought out the pencil chewing), Alec was beautiful and Magnus couldn’t look away from him.
Magnus has been in love with his best friend for almost five years now, and every day it gets a little bit harder to keep it in, to keep it a secret. The fact that Alec hasn’t figured it out is a small miracle in and of itself. He prays that the day Alec does figure it out, he doesn’t leave, because there is nothing that Magnus fears more. They’ve come so far together, they’ve conquered everything together, to be apart would devastate him and he couldn’t help but hate the idea of it. That wasn’t what he wanted, that was never what he wanted.
They’re twenty-five and every day, Magnus can barely keep the words to himself, from wanting to escape his mouth. They’re-
“Magnus?” Alec asked, reaching out to steal the muffin out of the pastry bag that Magnus has dangling from his fingertips. His eyes are far away and he has to blink a few times before he focuses again. "You okay?“
Magnus smiled at Alec and then down at the muffin. "You’re lucky they had the blackberry ones today, I got the very last one."
Alec grinned, bright and wide. "I know, and I appreciate you going to get them while I finished up my run."
Magnus rolled his eyes. "I know, I know, you couldn’t run after work, because you have a big date tonight."
Alec’s face immediately flashed and he managed another smile, nodding. "Yeah, yeah, I mean. It’s gonna be good. Raj promised that we’d do something special to celebrate."
Magnus did his best not to let Alec see that his heart was shattering, falling apart at the simple words. "Want me to leave the loft to you tonight?” he waggled his eyebrows, even as the words made him want to be sick.
Alec shook his head. “Nah. We can head back to his place if needed,” he said, taking a bite of the muffin before he headed for the kitchen. “Enjoy the night off from my constant presence!” he shouted.
Magnus took a deep, shuddering breath and tried to remind himself that he’d been in love with Alexander for almost a decade and he had weathered more pain than this. It would be okay. Alec didn’t know. Alec had never known. He just needed, he just needed to get through the day, and then they could wake up and be normal tomorrow. He needed that.
“Magnus?” Alec called.
Magnus jolted, realizing he was still standing in the middle of the living room. He gave himself a firm shake, and ordered his errant brain to behave. He headed towards Alec’s bedroom and was immediately assaulted by the sight of Alec in nothing more than a towel. Praying for strength, he forced his eyes to Alec’s face and raised his eyebrows. "Yes?“
Alec gestured sheepishly towards his closet. "Can you help me pick something out for tonight?"
With years of practice, Magnus ignored the sound of his heart shattering just a little bit more and walked towards Alexander’s closet. "You have to let me go shopping for you again sometime soon,” he called, flipping through the shirts Alec had. It took him a minute to find a black collared shirt with a diamond pattern. It was one he’d purchased for Alec and he knew how good it looked on him. He pulled it out, and hung it up on the closet door. "Pair that with those black jeans you like. You know, the new ones, without holes.“
Alec frowned. "Raj had said I needed to dress up."
Magnus huffed and rolled his eyes. "He clearly doesn’t know how much you hate dress pants,” he muttered, turning back to Alec’s closet, flipping through a few pairs before pulling one out and hanging it up next to the shirt. “You’re not wearing a blazer, you’ll be sweating all night if you do,” he cautioned, raising a hand.
Alec smiled gratefully at him. “What would I do without you, Magnus?"
"Fall apart and look horrible on dates,” Magnus shot back, unable to keep from grinning when Alec gave him a smile like that.
“You’re not wrong,” Alec grumbled, running his fingers through his hair. “I’ll see you tomorrow?"
"Yeah,” Magnus said softly, ordering his eyes not to stray when they started to trace a droplet of water down Alexander’s chest. “You two have a good night, okay?"
"Yeah,” Alec said, watching Magnus walk away from him, back into the loft. “We will.” He clenched his hand in the shirt Magnus had offered him and sighed, sagging a little bit in resignation.
~!~
Magnus was halfway through an admittedly horrible bottle of wine and nowhere near as drunk as he wanted to be when the sound of a key in the lock made him turn to the door, frowning. Moments later, Alec was striding through the door, fury evident in every line of his face. “Alexander? What’s wrong?”
“I broke up with Raj,” Alec said, striding towards the drink cart, pouring a finger of whiskey for himself before knocking it back with a groan. He put the glass down, even though he was tempted to drink more, drown out how right Raj’s words had been.
Magnus fought down the small satisfied thrill that ran up his spine at the proclamation and stood up in a flurry of his favorite black silk robe. He reached out and put a hand on Alec’s arm, gently tugging him away from the alcohol. “You did? Why?”
Alec wanted to laugh and cry all at once. “Because he asked me to move in with him.”
Ice shot down Magnus’ spine in an instant. “He, he what?”
“And when I told him no, I wasn’t ready for that,” Alec managed, wiping at his eyes. “He asked me if he was going to have to move in with me and be third wheel to the two of us.”
Magnus stared at Alec, wanting nothing more than to wrap the other man in his arms and pull him close. Instead, he tried to grin and offer a small tease. “We do act a bit married, so that’s not entirely surprising.”
“But that’s just it,” Alec blurted, his head spinning. “I don’t want to move out!”
Some of the fear bled out of him and Magnus could breathe a sigh of relief, at least for now. “I don’t want you to move out either, Alexander. We’ve been living together for so long, it’d be weird if we didn’t live together.”
“And that’s what I told Raj,” Alec began, his shoulders drooping. “So he asked me…” he trailed off and shook his head. “It doesn’t matter. I broke up with him because of it. He was right. I’m gonna go to bed, Magnus.”
Magnus reached out for Alec, but dropped his hand when Alec kept his back to him. His head was spinning, and it felt like he had conversational whiplash from those last few seconds. “Alec!” he called, pacing down the hallway after Alexander. He saw Alec tense, but stop, just outside his door.
“What did Raj ask you?” Magnus asked, stepping closer. “Because it seems to me, it matters quite a lot. Especially if you think he was right.”
Alec hunched his shoulders. “Nothing I haven’t heard before. Just…just hit harder, this time. I guess.”
Magnus frowned and he moved closer, reaching out to gently touch Alec’s shoulder. “Alexander. Look at me,” he ordered.
Alec sighed and shook his head. “It’s, it’s better if I don’t. I’ll be fine, I just need to-”
“Alec,” Magnus pressed, tugging on his shoulder. “That wasn’t a request.”
Alec spun around, crossing his arms over his chest, glaring at Magnus. “What?”
Alec had been using anger to deflect from his pain and fear for over a decade and Magnus was well-used to weathering the glare being leveled at him. “What did Raj say?”
“He asked me why the hell I was dating him, when I clearly wanted to be dating you,” Alec muttered, staring down at Magnus. “And even when I tried to say that you didn’t see me like that, that you,” Alec took a deep breath. “That we’re just friends, he didn’t believe me, so I dumped him.”
Magnus stared at Alec in shock, blinking hard. Alec, Alec thought that he…
“Geeze, Magnus,” Alec said, pulling his arm back with a sigh. “Don’t look so fucking shocked at the idea of dating me. Everyone thinks we’re dating until one of us tells them otherwise. Hell, half of the time they don’t believe us, even when we do tell them.”
“Question,” Magnus interrupted, clarity snapping into his mind in a second. Alec looked like a caged tiger, his arms crossed over his chest, clearly defensive and hurt. “Where did you get the idea that I only see you as a friend?”
Alec blinked. Then blinked again and narrowed his eyes. “What?”
“Seriously,” Magnus said. “I’m not asking to feed my ego. Where the hell did you get the idea that I haven’t been in love with you for forever?”
Alec’s eyes went wide and his arms dropped to his sides and he took a step closer. “Wh, what?” he repeated, this time much more softly.
Magnus groaned and threw his hands up in frustration. “Alexander. I spent years hitting on you in college. Years! You made it very clear you wanted nothing to do with me, so I eventually got a damn clue and stopped before you left and didn’t come back.”
“You,” Alec swallowed, his cheeks flushing as he stared at the wall. “I thought that’s all it was. And I couldn’t…I couldn’t sleep with you and not want, not want more, Magnus. It was torture, because I wanted all, all of it. All of you.”
Magnus stared at Alec, thunderstruck. “You idiot!” he shouted. “You are the most brilliant fucking idiot on the goddamn planet, Alexander!”
“Says the man who has been in love with me forever and never took a fucking minute to tell me!” Alec shouted back.
“Fucking ridiculous!” Magnus stalked towards Alec, grabbing at the shirt that he’d picked out earlier that evening before turning and dragging Alec down the hallway. “My bed is bigger,” he growled.
Alec stumbled, his face going red as Magnus pulled him around the couch and towards his bedroom. “A-and you have better sheets.”
Magnus turned to him, his eyes hot and dark as he raised an eyebrow.
Alec shrugged, his cheeks on fire, even as the look Magnus was giving him made him shudder. “I do our laundry,” he said, shrugging.
Magnus took a deep breath, pulling Alec in close, getting lost in hazel eyes that couldn’t look away from him. “Alexander Gideon Lightwood, I’m in love with you,” he whispered.
“That’s good,” Alec whispered, leaning in to rub their noses together. “Because I’m in love with you, Magnus Bane.”
Magnus closed his eyes, letting himself feel the reality of those words and how fucking good they were before he shoved Alec back onto his bed with a laugh.