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Saying goodbye to A-Yuan and Wen Ning was harder than Wei Wuxian would've liked – he'd only just got A-Yuan back! He knew better than anyone, though, that you couldn't stop someone from doing what they really felt they had to, so he waved them off with a smile he hoped looked convincing.
He still had Lan Zhan with him and, as he glanced across at the man walking calmly at Lil' Apple's other side, he knew that was no small thing. He studied him, mind and heart full, fit to bursting, with the knowledge that the only reason he'd been reunited with A-Yuan at all was because of Lan Zhan. With the knowledge of everything this man had ever done or endured for him.
Because of him.
He'd only just stopped crying but tears stung his eyes again and Wei Wuxian was overtaken with an urge so strong he could not deny it. “Lan Zhan,” he blurted out, bringing Lil' Apple to a braying halt as he turned to face him.
Concern marred Lan Zhan's features as he paused his own movements and looked at him, seeing the tears in his eyes. “Wei Ying?”
“I have to do this,” he explained quickly, “and I know you may not enjoy it. But I feel after everything we've been through together you really can't expect me not to, even if it's just this once. If you hate it I'll never do it again,” he rushed to add desperately, “but please just let me have this once.”
Lan Zhan looked not a little confused and not a little worried at whatever fate awaited him. “Of course, but what-?”
Wei Wuxian threw his arms around him. It was a terrible hug. Lil' Apple was still there, jostled between them and Lan Zhan's arms did not return the hold. Wei Wuxian felt a pang in his heart but still held on tightly anyway. If this was to be his only opportunity he was determined to make the most of it.
“Wei Ying...”
“I know, you hate it,” he replied, eyes closed, only wincing a little when Lil' Apple trod on his foot. “I promised, didn't I? This will be the only time, just give me a few more moments.”
“Wei Ying.” Now he sounded exasperated? Or as exasperated as he ever sounded, anyway. “Would this not be better if Little Apple wasn't between us?”
Wei Wuxian snapped his eyes open. Finally pulling away he saw that instead of distaste or doubt, Lan Zhan's face was fond, gracing him with one of the faint smiles only he ever got to see. “You can't take it back!” Wei Wuxian declared as he jogged around Lil' Apple. As far as he was concerned, Lan Zhan had voiced his full agreement to the hug and he was taking full advantage.
“I would not wish to-” If he had been planning on saying anything else it was cut off when Wei Wuxian hugged him – properly, this time.
Lan Zhan's arms were around him immediately, comfortably, like this wasn't the first time. Wei Wuxian couldn't help but feel surprised even as he enjoyed the warmth and revelled in how good it felt. He'd thought...well he hadn't really thought any of this through but if he had he would've expected hesitation, maybe a careful, unsure hand patting awkwardly at his back. Instead Lan Zhan's hug was firm, relaxed, like he'd done this a thousand times.
“You know what you're doing,” he observed, pressing his face against Lan Zhan's neck, determinedly ignoring a stupid pang of jealousy that whoever he'd been hugging it certainly hadn't been him.
“I raised a child, Wei Ying,” he explained easily. “Did you think I never hugged him?”
To be honest, so much had happened that he hadn't even had time to think about how Lan Zhan had raised A-Yuan – he was just delighted enough that he had. Now that he took the time to think about it – and to think about what Lan Zhan's uncle was like, what his father had probably been like – yes, he probably wouldn't have expected hugs.
But in so thinking he was clearly doing Lan Zhan a disservice. “To be honest, it is a surprise. But a welcome one.” He smiled against skin.
Lan Zhan's hold tightened, briefly. “A child needs comfort. Affection.” There was so much in the way he said it, in the things he didn't say. He knows that first hand. His own upbringing had not been without struggle but he'd at least had the easy touch and familiarity of his siblings and Jiang Fengmian.
Lan Zhan had...none of that. His mother, perhaps, for a short while. Perhaps an occasional touch from his brother or uncle – but certainly never a hug. And certainly never just because it felt good.
It would've been so easy for Lan Zhan to raise a child the same way as his uncle, to follow in his footsteps – as so many did with their father figures. But instead he had cared more about A-Yuan's needs and happiness than restraint and control and-
“You are crying again,” Lan Zhan observed, probably because Wei Wuxian's tears were now soaking the front of his robes.
“You are so wonderful, Lan Zhan,” he announced to Lan Zhan's chest through his completely undignified snot and tears. “You rescued A-Yuan and-” A thought struck him. Lifting his tear-ridden face, he stared at Lan Zhan's. “That's what you tried to tell me. At Nightless City.”
Swallowing silently, face briefly stricken, he nodded once.
They couldn't change things now, and he honestly didn't know if it would've changed things even then. Despite promising to live without them, he had enough regrets – this couldn't be one more – so he continued.
“You rescued A-Yuan and raised him into an amazing young man – the best, and don't look at me that way, he is far superior to the rest of the disciples and you know it.” The corner of Lan Zhan's mouth twitched. Wei Wuxian took it as confirmation that he was right and continued. “And you have to tell me everything about him, everything I missed.” So many years to catch up on. “I know talking can be difficult for you, but-”
“I will tell you,” Lan Zhan said simply. “Everything.”
Wei Wuxian's heart was full once more, his head returning to it's place against Lan Zhan's chest. The hug had never ended but he squeezed tightly as if to renew it. “You are such a good man, the best man, you've done so much for me, I owe you so much-”
“Nothing,” Lan Zhan interrupted, so seriously, that Wei Wuxian had to look up at him again. “You owe me nothing, Wei Ying. Ever.”
Wei Wuxian just blinked at him. Thinking over the words, he discovered the truth of them. “You're right,” he agreed quietly. “There are never any debts here. Not between us.”
Apparently pleased that he'd agreed, Lan Zhan nodded once. “We should continue travelling, if we wish to reach the next town before nightfall.”
Frankly, Wei Wuxian could've stood in Lan Zhan's arms all day but it had been a long, long night without any sleep and the idea of sleeping in an actual bed instead of under the stars was a welcome one.
Reluctantly pulling away, he made a show of patting his hair and wiping his face. “So, Hanguang Jun,” he joked, hands on his hips, “am I presentable?”
He was graced with another of Lan Zhan's small smiles. “Never,” he teased, before adding softly, “and always.”
“Lan Zhan!” he declared, face flushing as he turned to find Lil' Apple, who'd moved to chew at some grass. “So shameless. Almost as though you've been under a bad influence.” He couldn't stop smiling as he took hold of Lil' Apple's harness and couldn't quite explain why.
“Mn,” he replied quietly. “I wonder who that could be?”
Smiling brightly, Wei Wuxian set off on the path once more, Lan Zhan at his side.
*
The town was far but they would make it by sundown. Good to his word, Lan Zhan passed the time by talking about A-Yuan's childhood. For the most part it was freely – truly, it was the most Wei Wuxian had ever heard him speak, but then it was a subject that was well worth speaking about – and he thrilled at the memories, picturing A-Yuan getting into one scrap or another. He had not been a naughty child, from Lan Zhan's account, but he had been a child nonetheless.
He wished he had been there to see it.
Occasionally, however, Lan Zhan's stories would falter and Wei Wuxian knew, in those moments, that those particular memories were clouded in grief.
Grief for him, shocking as that seemed, after all that Lan Xichen had told him. It still seemed impossible to him that Lan Zhan could care for him so much and yet...even he could deny it no longer.
After one such story Lan Zhan lapsed into silence and Wei Wuxian knew there would be no more stories forthcoming today. “Well,” he began loudly, eager to distract Lan Zhan's mind, “what are your plans after today, Lan Zhan?” They'd been unconsciously making their way back towards Gusu, but he had no real destination in mind.
All he really wanted was to be at Lan Zhan's side.
“Now that all is resolved,” Wei Wuxian continued, knowing he'd be thinking over the events at Guanyin Temple for a long time, “are there things you must attend to? Responsibilities to be dealt with?” He hated the very idea – but understood it all too well.
Lan Zhan simply kept walking and did not look at him. “I will go where Wei Ying goes,” he said quietly, before pausing his words. “If Wei Ying wants me to.”
“Of course I want you to,” he blurted, taking a step towards him but a donkey was in the way. Wei Wuxian glared down at Lil' Apple mutinously. “But...everything that happened...your brother...”
“I would visit with my brother for some days, if you would permit it.” His gaze was still facing forward. “But after-”
“Lan Zhan.” Stepping around the extremely frustrating donkey, Wei Wuxian grabbed his wrist, forcing Lan Zhan to turn towards him. “It's not up to me to 'permit' you to do anything. It's your life. You can do whatever you want.”
Lan Zhan's gaze snapped to his. His nostrils flared and, from the minor expressions on his face, Wei Wuxian knew he was reaching a decision about something. “When you were – gone,” he began, making Wei Wuxian blink in surprise. “I thought to tell you if we were ever reunited.”
“Tell me what?”
Lan Zhan did not answer that question directly. “You came back, but with searching for truth it was not...time.”
Time? “Time for what?” This was driving him crazy! “Lan Zhan, just tell me already!”
Setting a stern expression on his face he nodded, once. “It was not the time to inconvenience you.”
What was he talking about? “Inconvenience me?”
He swallowed again, clearly nervous, but said it. “With my feelings.”
It was as though all the sound had rushed out of Wei Wuxian's ears. “Feelings.” Feelings? From his nervousness, it did not seem to be feelings of friendship. Wei Wuxian could feel his heart pounding in his chest – the depth of his own feelings for Lan Zhan had only recently come to him and he'd never dared dream... “But now is a good time to inconvenience me with your feelings?”
Wait.
He may have been panicking. “That's not what I meant!” he rushed on, the hand that was still grasping Lan Zhan's wrist moving to tangle their fingers together instead. Lan Zhan didn't resist and the set of his shoulders seemed to relax a little. “Lan Zhan, you...like me?” he asked hopefully.
Now that the confession was over, he looked much less like he was masking a painful injury. “Very much.”
A huge smile took over Wei Wuxian's face – possibly the biggest smile he had ever worn. “Well that's so handy, Lan Zhan!” he enthused, waiting until Lan Zhan tilted his head in silent question before finishing. “I like you, too!”
His face seemed hopeful, almost desperate – far more expressive than usual. “Truly?”
“Truly,” Wei Wuxian assured him, bringing their other hands together, still smiling at him. It all felt so easy, now. “Completely. Utterly,” he finished, daring to bring Lan Zhan's right hand up to his mouth, pressing a gentle kiss against it.
Closing his eyes, Lan Zhan let out a long breath through his nose before opening his eyes again. “Before, you said...whatever I want.”
Reading the seriousness of his face, Wei Wuxian's smile lessened as he listened just as seriously. “Yes?”
“What I want is – you. Always.” His fingers flexed at the emotion in Lan Zhan's voice, at the incredible words he was hearing. Was this truly real? “To be at your side. Gusu. Yunmeng. Anywhere. Making a home or travelling. Either. Both.” He nodded decisively. “As long as it's with you.”
“Lan Zhan,” he whispered, throat tightening as he released one hand to carefully touch the side of his face. “Yes. Yes.” He had never meant anything as emphatically in his entire life. Well, he thought with a dry chuckle, his second life.
Relieved, Lan Zhan leant in until their foreheads were touching.
Closing his eyes, Wei Wuxian delighted in their closeness, that he could seemingly do these things whenever he wanted now. Once again, his traitorous eyes were threatening to release themselves. “Lan Zhan, Lan Zhan,” he sing-songed, “you keep saying these beautiful things and I will have no more tears left to cry.”
Lan Zhan squeezed the fingers of the hand still clasped between them. “As it should be.” Finally releasing that grasp, he pulled his head back once more and instead moved his hand to touch Wei Wuxian's face, tilting it back.
His gaze had fallen to Wei Wuxian's mouth. “May I...”
Wei Wuxian knew exactly what he wanted, a frisson of excitement running through him. “Lan Zhan, so shameless,” he teased because, after all, he was Wei Wuxian and he couldn't help himself. The idea of Hanguang Jun, Light Bearer, being overcome by him was intoxicating. “Here, out in public where anyone can see? What if someone sees us?”
“They can watch,” he said roughly, then kissed him.
Wei Wuxian's eyebrows rose in surprise but that soon passed as he smiled into the kiss. It was messy and clumsy – neither one of them knew what they were doing – but it was so, so good and it was Lan Zhan so truthfully it was perfect in all the ways it wasn't.
He honestly lost track of time after that – all he knew was that they spent so much time standing there in each other's arms, kissing, that they became very, very good at it. So good that he felt stirrings that he hadn't felt in years – and that this body had never felt at all.
“Lan Zhan,” he gasped as he broke this latest kiss, lips feeling used and his whole being feeling thick with desire. “Can we get to town? And a bed?” It was only a moment after that he realised how wanton that sounded and while he wasn't ashamed, it might be too fast for Lan Zhan given that this was-
“Yes,” Lan Zhan said firmly, grabbing Wei Wuxian's wrist with one hand, Lil' Apple's harness with the other and immediately started marching them down the path.
Wei Wuxian promptly told his internal thoughts to shut up.
They reached town within the next ninety minutes and it was the longest ninety minutes of Wei Wuxian's life. Lan Zhan had kept up a determined pace, all intent and focus and it was certainly not helping Wei Wuxian control his gathering desire.
But reach town they did, eventually, just as dusk was beginning to fall. They were unfairly, frustratingly responsible, seeing Lil' Apple stowed safely away for the night, seeing to their bodies – other – physical needs.
Wei Wuxian had never eaten a meal so quickly in his life.
He did appreciate the opportunity to relieve himself and wash up, though. There was nothing he could do about the mark around his neck, but knew Lan Zhan wouldn't judge him for it. They both had scars, inside and out.
When they'd arrived at the inn Lan Zhan had requested a room with a double bed – the tips of his ears turning red at his own brazenness – and Wei Wuxian appreciated it as he looked over the bed now. While he certainly would've made the best of having single beds – pushed them together, perhaps – he liked the idea that, after all they'd been through, their first time was going to be in comfort. They certainly deserved that much.
Their first time...Lan Zhan's first time...maybe he was rushing him? As much as Lan Zhan seemed to want it?
By the time Lan Zhan appeared on the other side of the bed, face clean of the day's travel, Wei Wuxian's internal thoughts had gotten the better of him once again.
“We don't have to do...anything,” he assured Lan Zhan, who stared at him in surprise. “I still feel bad about getting you drunk at Cloud Recesses, you know, making you break that rule without your consent. And I know all the disciplines about,” he could say this, “ the pleasures of the flesh.” His face heated but he carried on because this was important. “I know the disciplines are important to you. I would understand.” He meant every single word and stared across at Lan Zhan seriously.
Lan Zhan said nothing, at first, seemingly taking everything in. Eventually he strode the few steps to the other side of the bed, and reached for Wei Wuxian's hand. Holding it in both of his own, he held Wei Wuxian's gaze and spoke. “My choice,” he said firmly. “Would not regret it. And you are worth breaking any rule for.”
There seemed little to say after that.
He kissed Lan Zhan first, this time, and it wasn't long before their initial nerves seemed to settle behind them. He did discover soon after that the layers of clothing he'd been wearing his entire life had never been as frustrating as they were now, had never taken that long to remove, he was absolutely certain of it.
Wei Wuxian did enjoy, however, how they got to peel the clothes from each other, how they laughed quietly – even Lan Zhan – when one of them was particularly impatient or hair got caught in some fastening. It was torturous and wonderful at the same time and Wei Wuxian had had no idea it could even be this way.
It was nothing at all like the picture books.
Speaking of the picture books, Wei Wuxian had some idea of how it was supposed to work but they were both so eager the first time that there was no time to try anything adventurous. It didn't matter anyway, it was perfectly imperfect. Too fast and too hot and too loud – certainly on his own part – but neither of them cared.
They didn't even talk after, both too exhausted from the endless day before and their own lovemaking, falling asleep soon after with their arms around each other.
It was only many hours later when they woke, well-rested, and their passion rose again, that Wei Wuxian discovered how different it could be. This second time was all hushed whispers and murmured words as they slowly rocked against each other, staring into each other's eyes, and it was both terrifying and liberating.
He had never felt so seen, so known, and they were both overcome with emotion after their caresses had brought them to completion.
“Lan Zhan,” he said, sniffing, trying to reassure the man quietly crying next to him. He understood – the feelings had been overwhelming for him, he couldn't imagine how someone as usually restrained as Lan Zhan was able to cope with them.
“Did not think-” Lan Zhan's words stopped, broken by the quiet hitch of his crying. “Could be happier than...your return.” More tears fell. “I was wrong.”
Wei Wuxian held his naked body against his own as tightly as he could. “Never need to hide your emotions from me,” he said against his warmth. “Ever. Want to know all of you, see all of you, love all of you.” Shuddering against him, Lan Zhan grasped at him with desperate hands. “I'm so sorry,” Wei Wuxian found himself whispering, “so sorry that I left you alone all this time.” The idea of Lan Zhan suffering because of him was now the most abhorrent thing he could imagine.
“Not alone,” Lan Zhan insisted, voice strained by tears. “I had A-Yuan. And I had the memory of you. It was...both my agony and my only relief.”
Closing his eyes tightly at that, at the pain it sparked, Wei Wuxian then forced himself to sit up until he could comfortably look Lan Zhan in the eyes. “I will never leave you again.”
Lan Zhan's red-rimmed eyes looked up at him fondly from the bed. “You cannot promise such a thing.”
“Oh, can't I?” he questioned, making a show of folding his arms across his chest. “I have declared it so, and so it will be. I am the Yiling Patriach, am I not? And formerly of the Jiang sect? Did I not achieve the impossible every day?”
“You did indeed.”
Good. “And I'm a man of my word. If I say I'm going to do something...”
Lan Zhan smiled at him softly. “Then you will see it done.”
“I will see it done,” he nodded decisively. Tugging at one of Lan Zhan's hands, he threaded their fingers together. “This is an entirely selfish act, you know.”
“Mn?” Lan Zhan seemed entirely unconcerned, far more interested in the way their fingers were tangling together.
Wei Wuxian smiled at him, feeling utterly besotted. How could he have ever thought of Lan Zhan as being cold and distant? “By ensuring your happiness I am ensuring my own.”
Eyes suddenly snapping to his, Lan Zhan paused for only a few moments before slowly reaching towards the small bedside table. There was only one thing he could've been reaching for – the object he'd placed there last night in the middle of all their fumblings.
Wei Wuxian watched, heart pounding, as Lan Zhan carefully picked up his headband. Sitting up to match his position, Lan Zhan gestured towards his arm.
Staring back at him, Wei Wuxian held out a trembling hand.
Lan Zhan carefully wrapped the headband around Wei Wuxian's wrist several times, tying it up with the same attention to detail as he did everything. When it was secure he lifted the wrist to his mouth and pressed a kiss atop the headband. “Love you,” he murmured, eyes closed. “Only you.” Another kiss. “Always.”
Eyes shining, Wei Wuxian enjoyed the way the headband looked tied around his wrist. He was going to wear it with such pride. And Lan Qiren was going to be so angry. He laughed. “So when we leave and people see it...?”
“Everyone will know,” Lan Zhan confirmed, finally pausing his ministrations on Wei Wuxian's wrist – quite unfairly, he thought – as he sat back up and smiled gently. “If that bothers you-”
“Not at all,” he said quickly, meaning it, seeing the way the slight tension in Lan Zhan's shoulders dissipated. Of course that didn't mean he couldn't have some fun...
Lifting his newly engaged arm, he admired the headband around his wrist in the morning sun that was starting to sneak across the room. “After all,” he declared dramatically, “I want as many people as possible to know that I married into money.”
Lan Zhan said nothing, but mere moments later Wei Wuxian was tackled back down onto the bed by his smiling fiancé, and if this was the happiness simply being engaged would bring him?
He couldn't wait for the marriage.