Archive of Our Own

Renjun grips the mic harder and his left hand goes to grab at its stand, sweaty palms making it slippery as a light shines directly at him. It's hard to see but he could make out the shadows in the crowd, people dressed in suits and long dresses. Eyes locked on his slumped figure on the stage. He feels sick. But theres a shadow that stands out the most amongst all of them; dressed in a white suit, golden brown hair swept to the left and honey colored eyes shinning bright enough to put the sun to shame. Renjun bites his lip and musters enough courage to lean into the microphone.

"This is, uh, something I've been preparing for... for a while now. I'm not the best at speeches and Jaemin out of everyone would know that." He sees the crowd turning towards the shadow in the white suit, Jaemin giggling as his shoulders shrug along with him. 

"But uh..." the crowd turns their attention back to Renjun. "He's been there for me when no one else was, and I could never be more thankful to have someone like him in my life. This one's for him."

Renjun hears the song start to play from the speakers above him and his hand shakes a little at the thought of messing up. But Jaemin is smiling so, so brightly at him and Renjun knows he's a goner. 

We can leave the Christmas lights up 'til January

Renjun still remembers the day they met. Jaemin would argue, saying it was the first day of 4th grade but Renjun remembered it as clear as day. Because it was the first day of snowfall and he remembers walking home from school with his mom, passing by the park as usual. He stops in his tracks, snow melting under his heel when he sees a boy about 7’ ft away, eyes doe and hair golden brown against the blue and white hues of snow. His legs swing cheerfully as he rocks back and forth against the swing, lips stretched in a wide grin and Renjun immediately deems him odd. Not for fact that he's swinging all by himself in an empty park but because of his lack of gloves.

Even from afar, Renjun could tell that he was freezing, fingertips red against the surface of the swing chains as he pushes himself higher, smile never faltering despite his hands looking like they would snap off any second. 

Renjun comes home without gloves that day and manages to get away with it without being questioned by his mother. He goes to bed wondering about the boy with the golden brown hair.

There's a dazzling haze, a mysterious way about you dear

He learns golden boy's name is Jaemin when he sees him stumble into class on the first day of 4th grade, wearing the same red colored gloves Renjun had previously owned. He smiles with all his teeth making an appearance and instantly becomes friends with everyone in class, so Renjun goes a little wide-eyed when he chooses to sit next to him, flashing the same smile that he had when Renjun first saw him at the park.

"Hi, I'm Jaemin!" A laugh that felt like warm honey followed, and Renjun goes to bed that night thinking of the golden-haired boy with a laugh that dripped pure honey.

Have I known you 20 seconds or 20 years

Learning that Jaemin's family had moved into the new house down the street from his only made Renjun ever more curious about him. He still found him odd. If not more than ever. Jaemin was loud but tentative, friendly but often kept to himself and when he's not looking, Renjun manages to steal a few glances at him. 

Curious. Renjun blames it on his curiosity as a kid. And Jaemin's shamelessness. Because ever since then, he finds himself walking home from school with a flop of golden-brown hair tagging along with him from a distance. 

And it's Jaemin that sits with him in class during recess when everyone else is out, playing in the sun. Jaemin who shamelessly blurts out "Can we be friends?" With a smile sincere enough that Renjun coughs up the milk he's drinking back into the carton, nodding along as Jaemin lets out a boisterous laugh, one Renjun has never even heard of before. But Jaemin has always been odd.

They start walking home together after that. He learns that Jaemin likes music and wants to be a musician when he grows up. Jaemin learns that Renjun likes drawing, never misses a chance to compliment him. A few weeks of friendship turned into a few months and at end of 4th grade, Jaemin had proudly deemed Renjun his best friend. 

Every summer after that was filled with melted popsicles and pool parties. Autumns had them rolling in beds of leaves painted hues of red and brown and they spent winter every year pushing each other higher on the swing sets, noses and cheeks colored a rosy pink.

Renjun remembers a specific summer night. They were in 7th grade by then, 3 years since they've met. The humid air felt hot and disgusting against his skin as he lays beside Jaemin on the grass in his backyard. The night sky was unusually devoid of stars but it wasn't like Renjun was paying attention anyways. Not when Jaemin was smiling so brightly beside him, lips caught between his teeth as he stares up ahead into the empty sky. If Renjun wasn't breathing so heavily, he could make out the faint creaks of the tyre swing rocking back and forth from where it was hanging on the large tree trunk in the backyard, blown slightly by the wind. It was the tyre swing they spent building all day last winter after finding out that the one in the park had grown too rusty and old and was being taken down. Looking back, it was one of the best winters Renjun had ever had, Jaemin's giddy smile and excited laughs filled his house as they looped ropes around the tyres. 

He's brought back to reality when Jaemin lets out a content sigh beside him, rolling over to his side to face him. His eyes shine brighter than any star ever could and Renjun likes to think it's the reason the night sky was so empty.

"Injoon-ah, we'll always be best friends right?" 

He asks it so nonchalantly and Renjun's at a lost of words. He finds that Jaemin often leave him like that.

"Of course, why wouldn't we be."

"Even when we get married?" 

Renjun is flushed by now. Surely Jaemin doesn't mean it like that, but it still doesn't fail to make him stutter.

"Of... of course" 

"Good. That's a promise okay."

Jaemin etches a grin onto his lips, the one Renjun remembered seeing on the winter day they had first met. Nothing much has changed.

Can I go where you go? 

By the time they're in high school, nothing much between them has changed either. Jaemin's gotten taller for sure (he's made sure to remind Renjun of it everyday) and Renjun's... grown. 

But they still walk home together, spend an unhealthy amount of time hanging out on their now worn-out tyre set and Jaemin still smiles like he did on that cold winter day. 

Except now, Renjun's curiosity has molded itself into rebellion, Jaemin forcibly being an accomplice to it. He knows Jaemin enjoys the thrilling rush just as much he does though. 

"Renjun, wait." Jaemin's stumbling along behind him as Renjun doesn't wait, hoping out onto the fire escape. 

Sneaking out at 10 pm on a school night to go to a party sounds like a horrible idea. And oh, he knows that. But this was his first party. Their first real party. He wasn't going to risk missing it.

But things don't always turn out like how he'd expect it to. Renjun feels bitter regret as he rings the bell of the apartment, the door swinging wide open as the music grows louder. Sweaty bodies filled the increasingly tight space, carpets covered in sticky spilled drinks and 30 minutes into the party, Jaemin already starts complaining. It's underwhelming, really.

He feels Jaemin flinch under his touch when he grabs his wrist, pulling him towards the window.

"I'm pretty sure the door is on the other side, Jun." 

Jaemin snorts amusedly when Renjun grunts at him. 

"I didn't sneak out all the way here to have a shitty night. Come on, boost me up." 

The cold air feels refreshing against his skin as Renjun starts to climb higher up the fire escape, clutching Jaemin's hand as he pulls him up. He lets his legs hang over the railing and Jaemin joins him, feeding off each other’s  body heat. They're close enough that Renjun can smell the freshly laundered t-shirt Jaemin was wearing, close enough to see the light sheen of his lip balm spread across the expanse of his lips.

The wind is carding through his golden-brown hair, leaving strands of it to fall over his eyes. His cheeks are rosy like the summer night they spent sleeping outside during 8th grade and his cheekbones had gotten more sculpted over the years as Renjun runs his eyes over them. He hadn't notice. 

"Worst party ever. I think your 5th grade birthday party was better and I'm pretty sure someone threw up back then."

"Shut up. Plus weren't you the one who threw up?" Renjun eyes him suspiciously and he could tell Jaemin was a breath away from bursting into laughs. And when he does, he joins him by instinct.

No matter how many times he's heard it, Renjun thinks theres no way he could ever get tired of Jaemin's laugh. It's still warm, sweet. Pure honey. 

He pulls back and takes in a deep breath, Renjun finds himself staring. There was something about Jaemin tonight. Or maybe there always had been. A word just on the tip of Renjun's tongue and yet, he can't quiet find it. Perhaps odd.

Jaemin turns his head to look at him. His eyes shine brighter than any strobe lights going off in the apartment behind them, brighter than the moon shining down on them.

"Worst party, but still the best night." 

Jaemin takes in another deep breath, turning to look ahead into the night sky.
"Thanks for making things not so shitty all the time." 

Beautiful. Jaemin was indescribably beautiful. 

"I'm your best friend asshole, it's my job."

Can we always be this close?

Renjun learns a few things about himself the coming weeks after that one night. He learns that he's apparently allergic to kiwi (yeah, a fucking fruit) when he eats one too many fruit cocktails at a party and ends up with swollen lips and a scratchy throat. ("You look cute Jun!" Jaemin holds back a giggle, snapping a picture.) 

A few days after that, he learns that he enjoys playing basketball. Liking the rush of adrenaline it brought and even went as far as joining the school team.

Unfortunately he also finds out that he may or may not have a small crush on Jaemin. (may)

It wasn't a gradual thing though. Or maybe it was but Renjun just never payed attention. He's guessing it's the latter. 

It hits him like a wave. A thunderstorm. When Jaemin comes barging into his room one afternoon, hair disheveled like he had ran all the way here from somewhere. 

"Renjun! Renjun! Renjun!!! You know that new foreign exchange kid from China? The one who got in the basketball team? Yangyang?" 

Renjun removes an earbud out of his ear, raising an eyebrow that encourages Jaemin to continue further. 

"Well, a teacher asked me to show him around. I didn't want to at first but like fuck it, he was cute or whatever, so I did and when we were done, guess what?.... Okay, you're taking too long. He asked me for my number!"

Jaemin's eyes turn into little slits, smile stretching so wide that Renjun feels almost sick. He feels the way his throat close up, making it itch more than kiwis ever could. The shattering reality that things outside his little bubble existed. People other than Renjun existed to Jaemin.

He doesn't hear much of Jaemin's story after that, the burn in his throat piping hot.

He does however, gets to hear about the date a few days later. And along with it, the story of Jaemin's first kiss.

Renjun tries keeping his mouth folded in a thin line, curling as sincerely as possible as Jaemin rambles on about it. How Yangyang had tasted like dark chocolate. Sweet but bitter. How he smelt like Christmas morning when their lips finally met. Describing him in every way Renjun had found himself describing Jaemin throughout the years. The difference was that he wasn't kissing Jaemin. Nor did Jaemin liked him back. 

So Renjun walks back home feeling the same bitter taste dissolving on his tongue. Except there was no sweet aftertaste. Just plain and simple regret. 

I've loved you three summers honey, and I want them all

And at age 16, Renjun finds out that he's in love with Jaemin. It doesn't take much to get there.

It was torture while it lasted though. Watching Jaemin share knowing glances at someone else. It didn't help that Yangyang was on the basketball team either. Instead of Jaemin waiting to walk Renjun home from basketball practice, he was waiting for Yangyang now too. Having to walk alongside the couple and feeling the itch burn further down his throat every second. Suffocating.

But just like everything else, it was short lived. As easy as it was for Yangyang and Jaemin to had started dating, it was just as easy when they broke up. And then dated again. A constant on and off until Jaemin had decidedly put his foot down, ending it once and for all. It ended just like how it started as well, with Jaemin barging into Renjun's room, hair disheveled. And yet this time instead of a grin, he etched a frown onto his lips, eyes glossy and Renjun doesn't miss a beat. Doesn't need to, as he pulls Jaemin right into his arms.

Later they find themselves outside again. Legs hanging off the edges of the creaking tyre swings. Jaemin chews on his lips as he pushes himself forward lightly, letting the wind graze his skin. Renjun does the same beside him, pulling back far enough to look at Jaemin through his peripheral vision. 

The lights from the street lamp bounces off on his wet cheekbones and Renjun think's he's still undeniably beautiful. They stay like that for a while, swinging back and forth on the creaking swings, on a creaking branch.

"Fuck movies. They make break ups look so easy." Jaemin attempts to lighten the mood, followed by a deep breath only to erupt into a fit of coughs.

Renjun turns to look at him.

"You know this is okay right? Being upset about this... he was your first actual relationship." 

"I know. It's just hard. I wasn't expecting much when we started to drift apart.... I'm not sure what I was expecting at all." 

It takes another second for him to study Jaemin's features. Eyes puffy and red, lips quivering. Something about it burns his throat hotter than what it felt like when Jaemin was with Yangyang.

He takes Jaemin's hands in his.

"Hey, you're going to get through this. Maybe not today or tomorrow, but you will. And until then you're allowed to feel as shitty and upset as you want, because I'll be right here to pick you back up. We can even egg his house if you want." 

Jaemin lets a snort at that, dried tears leaving tracks on his rosy cheeks. It's a rush of relief when a small smile starts playing on the edge of his lips again.

"Thank you.... for making things less shitty all the time."

With how the wind blows through his face, almost like a ghost kissing what's left of his tears away, Renjun doesn't tear his gaze away. Hands still intertwining with Jaemin's as he stares. The gentle slope of Jaemin's nose, now a much sharper edge, and cheeks that were once filled were now chiseled. And when he looks up to meet his gaze, Renjun knew it right then and there. He was in love. Plain and simple.

"I'm your best friend asshole. That's my job" 

My heart's been borrowed and yours has been blue

The summer that came after that was pure bliss. Summer break to be more specific.

While the sun had beat down on him, Renjun remains smiling. While blisters had made it's home on the edges of his feet, cuts from long walks had left scars, Renjun finds himself with a grin etched onto his raspberry tainted lips. Because the sight before him was like none other. 

Jaemin was standing tall and proud, a goofy laugh escaping his lips as he sets up the booth. Renjun feels the air knocked out of his lungs when Jaemin turns to look at him, smiling impossibly brighter as the sun setting behind him creates a halo just above his head. Beautiful. Jaemin was beautiful. Renjun had concluded that a long time ago.

The booth being set up was for the carnival tonight. A large, cowboy themed shooting range for kids that Jaemin had the opportunity to set up after begging it's owner and his good friend for the job offer. And who later dragged an unwilling Renjun to join him. 

To Renjun, a job setting up booths for a carnival that lasted the whole summer sounded like a dread but being paid $5 an hour for doing nothing but laze around didn't sound too bad either. 

It turns out it wasn't so bad. In fact, it wasn't bad at all. Renjun ends up meeting a lot of new people through the job. Vendors and people who come from neighboring towns to visit. Having Jaemin beside him the whole time only made everything better. 

They end up riding almost all the rides there (except the ferris wheel, which they had specifically agreed to wait for the last day). And Renjun finds himself spending the whole summer stealing glances with cotton candy in his hand and laughs that dripped honey filling his ears. Jaemin would end his shift around the same time Renjun had ended his, both running off to try out different booths. Renjun tries not to think too hard when Jaemin slips his hand in his, intertwining them together as he tugs him forward. (Or when he catches Jaemin staring oddly longer than usual, rosy tint present on his cheeks) 

So it's unexpected when they arrive at the site of the carnival only to be greeted with what's left of a heavy downpour on the last day. Most of the booths that had been left overnight were dripping wet and by a last minute decision, owners had decided to cancel reopening their booths on the last day. 

Renjun felt a pang of disappointment rush over him when he realizes that the ride he and Jaemin had been saving to go on together was now no longer available and given that it was the last day, it wouldn't be for a while. Jaemin must've felt it too as he squeezes through the crowd, muttering to Renjun that he would talk to the owner. 

He comes back looking victorious, dangling a key between his fingers. 

"What is that?" 

"Key to the ferris wheel. I promised didn't I? Come on." 

The view from above was, for lack of better words, absolutely breathtaking. Once they had settled in a carriage, Renjun feels the misty air hit against his face as the ferris wheel had started running. They got higher and higher by the second and he felt torn between staring at the view in front of him or turning around to look at Jaemin who was brushing up against his arm. The rain from before had cleared up and the sun could be seen setting just over the horizon, skies that were once painted gloomy shades of gray were now a fuchsia tint, coloring the houses below.

When Jaemin creeps a hand into his, Renjun turns to see the reflection of the view in his eyes, glowing unbelievably brighter and it makes him tint red under the stare. He fills the spaces between their hands by locking them together, focus turned back on Jaemin as he clears his throat. 

"Renjun. You're one of, if not the most, important person to me and I can't see living life without you. I've known you for as long as I could remember and I value our friendship so much. A lot more than you'll ever know. I need to tell you something and I hope that whatever your answer is, nothing is going to change between us. That I'll still always be your stupid best friend." Jaemin takes in a deep breath, cheeks tinted a rosy pink and Renjun breaks a sweat. His palms are sweating from where they're pressing against Jaemin's, feet tapping against the metal surface. 

"What are you talking about..."

"I like you Jun. In a not-best-friend kind of way." 

Renjun's throat closes up again but it's different this time. There's no bitter taste dancing on his tongue. Instead it's sweet. Almost too sweet that he feels struck in place, paralyzed.

"You don't have to say anything. I get it. It's a lot to take in. But I am being serious and that this isn't some kind of sick joke I'm pulling. I do like you Renjun and I have for a while now. But if this isn't what you want, we can go back and act like—"

"You talk too much for your own good, you know that?" 

Jaemin blinks absentmindedly at him, blushing impossibly harder and Renjun thinks he's enjoying this way more than he should be. 

"Maybe if you slowed down and gave me a chance to talk then I can tell you how much I like you too... in a not-best-friend kind of way."

Jaemin's mouth hangs agape, making Renjun break into a large grin, lips caught between his teeth despite how hard he's blushing. 

"Oh. Okay, that's good. Cool. Cool cool cool. Okay." 

Renjun erupts in a fit of laughs, shoulders shrugging along as Jaemin blushes an even deeper shade—a grin starting to play on the edges of his lips.

The wheel comes to a stop, slightly stirring up the carriage.

"Come on. Let's go home." 

Renjun goes home that day, hand enveloped in Jaemin's as the stars put on a show for them across the night sky. And for the first time in a while, everything feels perfect. Warm. 

All's well that ends well to end up with you

Dating came easily after that. Renjun thinks it's because of how long they've known each other, Jaemin just thinks it's because they're.... well... them. 

Renjun and Jaemin. Jaemin and Renjun. It was never one without the other. 

Dates end up with more shy glances, breezy talks and bright eyes. Nothing much changes at all except that Renjun now feels more aware than ever of the longing glances Jaemin sends his way when they're going to separate classes, wonders why he's never noticed them before.

Although even through it all, Renjun finds it amusing that they both avoid a certain topic like the plague. Kissing, to be more specific. They have gotten somewhat close to it though. Jaemin leaning in in the heat of the moment when they were walking back home from a date, only to chicken out last minute and leave a quick peck on Renjun's cheek. Renjun dismisses the tinge of disappointment that blooms in his chest when Jaemin breaks into a grin afterwards, bidding him a good night before walking (read: skipping) back home.

Which lead to tonight's date being more laid back than others as Renjun spreads a picnic blanket under the large tree of his backyard, old tyre swings rock back and forth along with the wind. The garden lights were bright enough to shine over his notes as Jaemin settles beside him, thick textbooks thumping against the ground as he lets them down. 

"Do we really have to study now?" 

Renjun tries not to laugh, failing miserably as Jaemin continues to whine, back leaning against the tree trunk.

"Yes, we do. There's a test this week and you suck at Geography."

Jaemin pouts as a response. "Hey, we're dating. You're supposed to be nicer to me." 

He furrows his eyebrows even more and Renjun stops himself from cooing, picking up a set of notes and dumping them onto Jaemin's lap.

"Doesn't work that way, not with me. Now study." 

He doesn't miss the way Jaemin grins at the comment as Renjun turns his attention back to his notes.

Surprisingly, Jaemin lasts longer than he had expected. Going through a whole hour without whining to stop studying. It's when Renjun finds himself deep in thought, analyzing over a final question that he feels a pair of arms snaking along his waist, breath tickling the side of his neck.

"Jun, we've been studying for an hour already. Take a break." 

He tries not to give in. Really, he does. But when Jaemin's chest is so warm pressing against his back, hot breath against his neck, who was he to complain?

Jaemin breaks into a victorious smile as Renjun leans further back into his chest, hands searching for his to slot them together. 

They've done this countless times before when they were just friends, wandering hands pulling each other closer. But somehow it feels different now. Good different. Or to Renjun at least. A slight shift in atmosphere. 

Jaemin leans further back until his shoulders rest against the rough surface of the tree trunk again, Renjun leaning along with him. He feels Jaemin's breath shift higher as he nudges a nose into his darker locks, humming along with the creaking tyre swing.

"You smell good... hmm, new shampoo?"

Renjun chortles, hair tickling Jaemin's nose. 

"Yeah."

"It's nice."

Jaemin tangles his fingers along with Renjun's, a smile ghosting along the edges of his lips when he compares their sizes against each other. His other hand rests on Renjun's waist, cold fingers drumming rhythmically against the warm skin underneath the sweater.

It's times like this when everything feels completely still. Picture perfect, and Renjun wishes he could hold on to it. Wanting a small piece of the memory kept safe and sound for a rainy day. 

"Renjun?"

"Hmm?" He hums.

When he doesn't get a response back, Renjun leans forward to turn around, hands still clinging onto Jaemin's. 

He's met with warm, dark eyes looking back at him. Jaemin's golden brown hair falls upon his lashes, strands tucked behind his ears and Renjun is so gone. Lost in familiarity. It's those same dark brown eyes he's been staring into all these years, the ones he searches for comfort in a room full of people. The same ones looking back with nothing short of fondness and comfort. 

Jaemin reaches a warm hand behind Renjun's neck, pulling him closer than ever and Renjun thinks he's never seen this many galaxies pooling in someone's eyes before.

"Can I kiss you?" 

Renjun could almost laugh at how Jaemin flushes asking the question but he doesn't. Instead he closes the gap between them, pressing their lips together. 

It's a fleeting moment. Warm lips pressing against his. The wind rocking the tyre swings back and forth and Jaemin's hands holding tightly onto him as if he would vanish the moment he let go. 

He feels Jaemin smile into the kiss when he pulls away. Catches a glimpse of him with his eyes closed, a relieved smile slowly stretching across his face.

When he starts to reopen his eyes, Renjun's already leaning back in—missing Jaemin's warm lips slotting against his colder ones and he thinks, this is enough. The both of them sitting in the same spot they've been sitting in for years, as friends and as lovers. Nothing else could've mattered.

Swear to be overdramatic and true

'I love you'. 3 words, 8 letters. 

But no matter how many times Renjun's repeated it in his mind, trains his lips to sound out each syllable, he freezes when he's come face to face with Jaemin. 

It's not like they've never said it to each other before when they were kids. In fact, Renjun can't remember a time when they didn’t say it to each other. But he knows it's different this time. The weight of the words are heavier now. Even if it has been about almost a year since they've dated.

And it's not like he was doubting his love for Jaemin. No, Renjun's known a long time ago that he was in love with Jaemin. 

So what was the problem?

He's tried slipping it out once or twice. Once while Jaemin was cooking and almost ends up burning his hand on the stove when Renjun bursts out calling his name only to freeze mid way, flustered as he pulls up an excuse. 

The next time was undeniably more embarrassing than the other. Their school basketball team going head to head with a neighboring school, both tied with the last 10 minutes left on the board. Renjun sees Jaemin sitting on the stands, smile blinding as he cheers loud enough for the whole team. Renjun manages to dribble the ball past 3 of the opponents, the crowd wooing for him. 

It's when he's barely a feet away from the hoop, less than 3 minutes on the clock, does he suddenly have a surge of confidence. He turns to the stands, locking eyes with Jaemin.

He makes a jump for it, ball in hand.

"Jaemin!! I lo-"

BEEP 

And he misses. 

It's been about 2 weeks since that happened. 2 weeks of endless teasing from his team members and 2 weeks of hanging his head low during practice, pretending their coach isn't burning holes into the back of his head.

What's worse though is coming up with an excuse when Jaemin comes up to him after the game, asking him what he had said before he missed the shot. ("Nothing! I swear, I just wanted to dedicate a shot to you." "Jun, you missed the shot..." "Okay, stop rubbing it in!") 

Renjun swipes a hand across his screen, watching Jaemin's icon pop up as he answers the call. Thankfully enough it was the weekend, which meant no basketball practice for another 3 days. It also meant Jaemin bugging Renjun with spontaneous unplanned dates.    

He hears the music in Jaemin's car booming through the phone, the volume getting lower as Jaemin's scratchy voice greets him.

"I just came back from Seojun's house and I'm about to drop by. Say... 5 minutes?"

Renjun lets out a sigh despite the smile playing on his lips.

"Jaemin, you can't just plan stuff without telling me. What if I had plans?"

There's a beat of silence over the phone before Jaemin answers.

"Well do you?"

"No but—"

"Great! I'll see you in 5 minutes." 

Renjun sighs again, feeling Jaemin's victorious smile from over the phone. 

"Okay fine, just don't be on your phone while you're driving. Drive safe, I love you.'

Renjun freezes when the words accidentally roll off his tongue, fully feeling it's weight when he's then met with another beat of silence on the other end.

"What? Renjun did you—"

His fingers hover over the big red button before Jaemin could finish, pressing on it hard, letting the adrenaline take over. He tosses the phone aside to disappear somewhere into the sheets as he shoves his face deeper into the pillow.

The embarrassment creeping up his neck is scorching hot and Renjun can't help but think this was more embarrassing than the basketball incident.

He flinches when a ding goes off on his phone. 

Mustering up enough courage to look through the sheets for it, he clicks on the home button to see a new text message pop up on his phone screen, Jaemin's contact name right above it. 

jaem <3
i love you too.

And at every table, I'll save you a seat

Renjun likes moments like these the most. The feeling of a hand ghosting over his under the sheets, burning skin sizzling under cold fingertips. 

The clouds are crying large droplets onto the window sill, thunder crackling off beat just above the roof and gray hues taint the usual blue afternoon sky, a large contrast to the bubbling excitement Renjun felt on the inside.

He feels another hand fiddling it's way into his darker locks, nimble fingers pressing onto his scalp as a shiver runs down his spine—making him sigh.

Jaemin's face makes it's way onto his vision, smile faint yet bright as always. 

"Happy 1 year anniversary," he whispers so lightly that Renjun almost misses it with how hard it's pouring outside.

He makes an attempt at peeling his eyes open wider, light barely visible in the dark bedroom as the gray clouds fill the sky. Renjun squirms when Jaemin shifts his colder hand to wrap over his torso.

"Happy anniversary."

Jaemin's warm breath fanning over his cheek and the hand massaging over his scalp lulls him back to sleep. This is more than enough. Perfect.

Take me out, and take me home

Except things aren't perfect. Expectations aren't always meant to be met and they stay just as that. Expectations. 

And Renjun didn't really know what he was expecting. They were older now. Both 18 and had graduated. The little bubble he had created in his mind, a place where only him and Jaemin were present was slowly deteriorating. Disappearing as if it was never there in the first place. 

Caps and gowns and shared milkshakes were all Renjun could think about for the first few months. And then it was acceptance letters from colleges, Jaemin squeezing his hand as they read past several rejections. 

He ends up getting one in the middle of the night, eyes barely opened as he skimmed through the email, congratulating him for being accepted into Korea's best art school. Renjun stumbles through his words when he calls Jaemin later that night. His voice squeaking with excitement as he finds Jaemin at his doorstep 10 minutes later wearing a grin just as wide as his. 

Jaemin's acceptance letter comes only a few days after that, long and inviting with encouraging words to welcome him to Canada's state university. Canada. Renjun spends the next few nights thinking about that.

And it doesn't take long for Jaemin to catch onto the half smiles and forced laughs, finally weaseling the truth out of him.  

"We can make it work you know?" Jaemin's hand finds it's way onto Renjun's, thumb tracing circles on his palm.

"Most people can't. And I'm happy for you Jaemin, really. I am. I just can't help but feel like things are going to change after this. We just... never been this far apart from each other for so long."

"I know. But nothing is going to change. You're still Renjun and I'm still Jaemin. Nothing is going to change what we have. Not even distance."

And for the most part it was like that for a while. The first few months of college started out great. Renjun had befriended his roommate Donghyuck, who then proceeded to introduce him to Jeno, a film student on campus. 

So when Jaemin left for college, it was like nothing had changed. They still talked everyday, face-timed weekly and Jaemin even ended up befriending Jeno and Donghyuck as well.

But he was naive. They both were.

Daily calls turned to weekly calls and weekly facetimes stopped altogether. There was a lot that lead up to it. Ranging from busy schedules to time differences to sleepless nights.

It almost felt like drowning in a bottomless pit. Renjun was lost and he knew Jaemin was too. Fingers lingering longer before hanging up, the feeling of uncertainty. Uncertain of when the next call would be or the next time he would even hear from Jaemin. 

It was worse on other days. Finding himself staring blankly at the ceiling as soft snores fill the room. It had felt so incredibly lonely. The bed was too big and the room was too dark and Renjun misses the glowing stars he had hung up in his room at home. Misses the old rocky swing set in the back yard and misses the way Jaemin's hand had felt in his. He misses Jaemin.

You're my, my, my, my 

It's half way through the year now and Renjun still wonders how he's managed to keep up with art design projects and due dates. Living off of 4 hours of sleep with nothing but microwaved cup noodles and Donghyuck's incessant ramblings about his annoying lecturers.  

He's managed to coax him into sleeping earlier tonight, thankful to have some peace and quiet to himself to power through some last minute editing on an overdue essay. 

It only lasts no less than 10 minutes before his phone goes off and Renjun flinches, making grabby hands at it before to make sure Donghyuck stays asleep. Jaemin's name pops up on the screen.

It's been 2 weeks since his last call. 2 whole weeks of nothing close to even a text and Renjun finds himself hesitating to answer. He did try typing a text before, finger hovering over the send button only to delete it altogether. It had always been easy to talk to Jaemin but it gets more complicated after each call. Lingering silence filled with unspoken words. 

He answers the call.

Theres a beat of silence on the other line, a flash of hesitation before Jaemin's deeper voice greets him.

"Hey,"

"Hey," 

Renjun wants to ask. Wants to ask where he's been all week or what took him so long to call back but he doesn't. Jaemin sounds more tired than he's ever heard him been before. Not the kind of tired where he's lacking sleep just.... worn out.

Renjun bites his tongue.

"How are you?"

Another beat of silence. 

Renjun doesn't need to ask to know he's not doing good. Neither of them are.

Jaemin doesn't answer.

"Renjun..." A huff of breath against the speakers. 
"You know I love you, right?" 

Renjun knows it's not a real question but hums anyways, a little unsure of where this is going.

"Do you remember that one time when we went swimming at the beach? It was about 2-3 years ago and you pushed me in the water when I still had my clothes on.”

"Yeah." Renjun smiles at the memory. 

"You felt really bad and gave me your sweatshirt after, even though you were cold when we walked back home.... I never told you but that was the moment when I was so sure I was in love with you. I had no doubt about it."

Renjun had remembered it as clear as day. Him and Jaemin walking back home alongside each other, both dripping wet with saltwater. Jaemin's bangs had stuck to his forehead, drops of water dripping onto his cold cheeks like tears.

"You're always going to be my best friend, Jun. No matter what happens, I want you to know that." Jaemin takes another deep breath and the silence is almost deafening. Renjun wishes he could be under the covers right now, not caring if the bed was cold and creaky. 

The silence lingers a little longer before being broken.

"This is hard. I know you know that. You're there and I'm... well... here." Theres a shudder in his voice. Uncharacteristically Jaemin.

"And I want to tell you I'm doing okay. I wanna tell you that I'm keeping it together. But I'm not. I'm so lost Renjun. I barely have any energy after coming home from classes and work and I just... I feel like I'm slipping right through my own fingers. It's just this endless cycle and I'm miles away from everyone I know and it's so different... It's so hard because there's nothing I can do about it. It's lonely and I miss everything. Juggling everything in an attempt to make everyone and myself happy is just not possible right now.”

He holds his breath and hears Jaemin let out a choked sob.

"And that's the thing about it, this isn't just about me... but it has to be. I can't expect you to wait for me to get my shit together or be strong enough for the both of us. I can't hold you back because I would genuinely die before seeing you drop opportunities just because of me. And I know we promised we'd do everything together. But I think this is something I need to work on by myself."

Renjun feels tears, wet and hot against his cheek, running down the side of his jaw. Jaemin had been hurting just as much as he was. Lost as much as him, if not more. 

"Renjun, please say something..."

His voice quivers on the other side and Renjun feels his heart sink further, sobs muffled against his palm. 

"I love you, Jaemin. From the day I fucking met you until this very second and I don't think I'm going to stop for a while. And I just want your happiness. I want you to be okay. Even if it means we aren't." 

They spend the next few hours talking and talking and talking. Catching up and Renjun's never felt this at home in months, locks the stinging pain in his chest to deal with tomorrow. Because right now Jaemin is all that matters. And he's here. A little broken but here. 
 

He breaks it to Donghyuck the next morning, red rimmed eyes and croaking voice. The sting lingers deeper as realization hits him that... that was it. He and Jaemin had broken up. And yet it doesn't feel real. He think's it won't feel real for a long time. 

And it doesn't. It still stings after a few weeks, a little empty pit in his chest but everything starts to fall in place again. Jaemin starts calling more regularly now and Renjun makes sure he's kept in check the whole time, reminds him to take it a day at a time.

Falling asleep is still hard, not to mention the new stinging pain in his chest accompanying his lonely nights. But Renjun finds it easier when Jaemin lingers a little longer on calls now, voice sounding less worn out. And for a split second, he forgets about his heartbreak as a laugh rings through the speaker phone, dripping honey almost as sweet as it was before. Almost. 

But he believes everything would be okay. That they would be okay, together and soon.

Lover

College was 8 years ago, Renjun's job offer was 3 years ago and Jaemin came back home for a job 2 years ago. The engagement was 10 months ago today.

The music stops as Renjun ends on the last lyric, a beat of silence before shadows of clapping hands and woos fill the little space. 

He bites his tongue, taking in another deep breath. 

"I just... I wanted to say congratulations to Jaemin and Mark on the beautiful wedding. Mark, I hope you know that you’re the luckiest man alive."

Renjun's palms start sweating again, hand reaching out to grab a champagne glass.

"To Jaemin and Mark!"

The crowd echoes the cheers and he sees Jaemin smiling impossibly brighter than before, glowing under the stage lights bouncing off the dim room. Jaemin reaches to the side, pulling a certain figure in a tux into a short kiss and Renjun gulps down the familiar sting in his chest with the bitter alcohol. Nostalgia was a bitch.

Years of stories and memories had disappeared to dust and for the first time in a while, Renjun feels lost again. He didn't felt like he had lost back then because there had always been what if's. Not even when Jaemin announced he was getting engaged.

But this was it. Renjun had lost. 

So maybe this is enough, Jaemin 7 ft away from him, smiling like he did on that winter day when they first met. 

This was enough.