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A little more than a year had passed since the Inquisition disbanded. Since then Nan had spent her time either running on rooftops with Sera or communicating with Leliana, Cassandra, and Harding. They’d kept their group close knit and tight. Only her closest companions from before and Leliana’s most trusted agents remained in contact, the lot of them scattered to the wind and throwing away any chance of Solas’ agents learning the details of their plans to find him. Nan felt fortunate to have such trustworthy folks around her, and even more fortunate that she still had her closest friends available.
Nan kept her hood drawn as she stepped through the crowd, her body shrouded by the wool cloak she wore while snow dusted the little city. Winters had never been so bad before. She’d handled them well in the Free Marches with Lavellan, but she was adjusting to living on her own in Orlais now. Sera had her own little apartment not far away, the two of them checking up on each other. Nan had mostly adapted to living with only one hand, though some things weren’t as easy as others. She'd mastered getting dressed on her own, which to her was a major victory.
She glanced past the material of her hood and smiled when she saw her little home. An apartment within an old tavern. There were several fireplaces in the pub to keep it warm and comfortable enough to lure in customers even in the worst of winter. The heat sank into the rest of the building, warming the stone and even managing to keep her home on the third level in a state of comfort. She couldn't help but wonder if he'd had it enchanted.
Nan shivered as she stepped inside, the warmth almost immediately stripping away the cold. She let her hood fall off her head, revealing her pointed ears and the deep purple tribute to Ghilan’nain on her forehead. Travelers stared at her strangely, a combination of confusion and prejudice, while the locals who knew her paid her no mind. Nan stood by the fireplace for a few moments, warming herself up and enjoying the heat on her face. She smiled to herself and winked at the staring humans so that they’d turn away as she strolled over to the bar. She sat at a stool and smiled at the burly Rivani human behind the counter, his scruffy beard carefully combed and his hair neatly trimmed. Nan had become close enough friends with him to learn that his elven wife was the one who took care of his hair for him. The two were an adorable couple and had taken a liking to Nan since she’d started living in their building.
“Good to see you again, Lady Tarshan,” he said in a thick Orlesian accent, the use of Nan’s family name making her smile. Lavellan was inaccurate, her clan’s name, and too well known now. Tarshan took her back to who she was before. It was a little thing that helped her to shake off the lingering title of Inquisitor. “Your usual?”
“You know me so well, Hodges,” Nan said with a smile, dropping some coin on the counter. He gathered it in his hand, knowing already that she’d given him more than enough for her evening’s drinks and dinner. Nan sighed contently as she settled into her environment, watching Hodges as he brought over a stein of ale and a bowl of bean and vegetable soup that had been made for the evening’s guests. And spiced to perfection, thanks to some favors for Red Jenny.
He set down her food with a kind smile. “Here you go, chérie.”
“Thank you, lethallin,” she said in turn, bringing her bowl to her lips and sipping at the hot broth. She let out a happy hum, her muscles relaxing. “Delicious as always.”
“Flattery will get you nowhere,” Hodges said, a smirk playing with his mouth.
Nan laughed lightly. “Does that mean you’ve not heard any good gossip?”
Hodges sucked on his teeth. “Now, Nan. I never said that.”
She beamed up at him. “What have you got for me tonight?”
His dark eyes glanced about them to make sure no one else was paying mind to their conversation, then he leaned against the counter and lowered his gravely voice. “There’s not been much news since the frost stopped bringing travelers, but I’ll tell you what I’ve heard. For starters, the local nobles are getting worried with all the vanishing elves. Wondering where they’ll find such cheap labor now.”
Nan sneered at this. “Bastards,” she cursed as she took a long swig of her drink.
“That’s not all,” he said. Nan looked up at him with her copper eyes, staring and waiting for him to go on. “It’s getting worse in the North.”
Her brows furrowed. “How do you know?”
Hodges glanced around subtly again. “Nevarran nobles visiting associates in Val Royeaux talking their own rumors. Since Tevinter’s had to focus all of their energy on the Qunari, the Magisterium’s getting unstable.”
Nan frowned at this, her hand moving to fidget with the silver locket that dangled from the velvet choker she always wore. The little communication crystal she’d gotten to speak with Dorian resided inside, unused for nearly a week. She’d have to check up on him again when she got the chance. “Anything else?”
“Doubt anything else I mention will be of use to you, my lady,” he said. “You’re the one with connections across Thedas.”
“Unofficial connections,” she reminded him.
“Unofficial or not, you’ve got friends in high places,” Hodges said, acting as though he were cleaning up the counter.
“The friends in lower places count for more than you could ever know, lethallin,” she told him with a smile. “How is your family?”
The smile that stretched across her friend’s face warmed her heart. “My daughter, Juliana. She’s working for a tailor now, learning to make dresses for noble women. You should have seen her when she told Emilia and me the news, her smile so bright.”
Nan smiled at him. She’d met Juliana before, the girl an older teenager now, old enough for vallaslin if she was Dalish. Hodges had his wife and workers to help him tend his tavern, leaving their daughter mostly free to choose her own path. He’d been quite adamant in that she never feel forced to do anything, the stigma towards elf-blooded children unfortunately working against her. “That’s wonderful news! You’ll have to give her my congratulations when you see her next.”
He nodded at this. “I’ll be sure to do that, I’m sure that she’ll appreciate it.”
The two spoke for a while longer as Nan ate her soup and drank her ale, only stopping when new guests came through the door. Nan let Hodges tend to them while she sat and listened. Much could be learned of the city’s mood by paying attention to the little things. Orlais made it easier, with all the nobles wearing their extravagant masks that told you exactly who they were. In Ferelden she’d had to learn to notice the little things that distinguished nobles from the common folk. It made it more interesting, in her opinion, to be surrounded by people in practical clothing and to try and tell them apart. Sera had trained her in a smaller city on the coast, not far from Denerim.
Nan preferred places like her tavern that were filled with people just trying to get by. People like Hodges that were as Orlesian as the rest of them but lacking quite as many masks. It made her wonder what the next city would bring. They stayed long enough to make Friends, then moved on to the next town or city.
“Forgot to mention,” Hodges said, returning to her briefly. Her large copper eyes looked up at him curiously. “Heard word of a mercenary company doing work for a noble outside the city. An odd bunch, led by a qunari.”
Her eyes went wide at this, suddenly hyperaware of the weight of her dragon's tooth sitting on her chest. “You’re certain?”
“Of course not, everything I say is rumor,” he reminded her, turning to gather coin from another patron. He gave her a knowing smile, however. “But I wouldn’t be surprised if this one were true.”
She continued to frown at him, her brows pinched in the middle as someone sat down roughly to the right of her, a shield hitting the counter. Nan nearly jumped in her seat and stared at the sight of Krem waving Hodges over.
"Fenedhis!” she swore, still startled. “Krem, what are you doing here!?”
Her friend smiled at her as Hodges stepped over to them. “Trying to get warm,” he brushed off with a shiver, dusting some snow from his sleeve. “Snow’s getting worse out there, we might get stuck in the city until it melts.”
“I-I…” Nan could just stare, her mouth hanging open, as she started looking around for the rest of the Chargers. She spotted most of them sitting at a table, not saying much until they noticed Nan looking over. Rocky waved at her enthusiastically and Skinner gave her a rare smile. “I don’t understand.”
“Round of drinks for that table over there,” the young soldier said, gesturing to his friends across the room with one hand and holding out some coin in the other.
Hodges smiled at this, nodding to Nan before going to get the drinks. The still confused elf closed her eyes and pinched the flat bridge of her nose, breathing deeply to try and make sense of her situation. As blatantly conspicuous as the Chargers usually were, they were damned good at sneaking past her when they wanted to. This wasn’t the first time that they’d done this, the lot of them having surprised her while in Denerim months ago.
“You'll be the death of me,” she mumbled, rubbing at her temples as she slumped against the countertop.
“No one’s dying as long as I'm around,” the ever familiar voice of her mate said from her left. Nan's eyes grew wide and her head snapped up to see the Iron Bull sitting beside her with his axe leaning against the bar counter beside him.
Nan caught herself before she tried using the hand that wasn't there, twisting around in her seat so she could smack at his thigh properly. “You ass! Why didn't you let me know you were going to be in the city!?”
“Because it's more fun to surprise you,” he justified, grinning at her.
She huffed, her eyes narrowed a bit in a glare before she broke into a smile and grabbed the front of his own wool and leather coat, pulling him down so she could kiss him. He chuckled and kissed her back tenderly, both caring little about who might see them. Nan hugged him as tight as she could, the Bull wrapping his arms around her protectively in return. It had been a few months since they had last been reunited.
“I've missed you so much, ma vhenan,” she said into his chest, smiling at the sight of his matching dragon's tooth resting on top of his coat.
“I’ve missed you too, Kadan,” he said softly, his words sweet as he gave her a final squeeze before letting go, back to business. “Any word from Red?”
Nan shook her head as she sat back down, facing the open space. She brushed a stray strand of brown hair behind her ear and sighed. “Nothing yet. I'm not even sure where she is anymore, the last letter came in ages ago.”
“You worried?”
“About Leliana?” She raised an amused brow. “Are you joking? She's the last one people should be worried about.”
Bull chuckled. “Fair enough. How's it going with Sera and Dagna?”
“I miss real fighting,” Nan admitted somberly. “I've been working with this new contraption Dagna made up for me, a little crossbow that fits on my stump. I'm grateful for it, it helps me keep up with Sera fine, but it's not the same.”
“Carrying around a sword and shield might make you more conspicuous,” he reminded her, stealing some of her drink.
“The tattoos do it enough for me, I bet,” she said, brushing some of her matting hair away from her face. It had been neglected and needed to be combed.
“Tattoos, ears, the missing arm,” Bull listed, smirking as he watched Nan’s frustration grow. “If you were taller you’d stick out more than me.”
“And yet somehow you can sneak your boys into a crowded pub without my noticing.”
He grinned at her. “We’re professionals, remember?”
“Your professionals are going to drink my landlord out of ale,” she said, Hodges and Krem walking past with the steins. The Chargers all let out hearty cheers, their presence in the pub almost overpowering now.
“Krem’ll leave a good tip for him.”
Nan sighed heavily but looked on the table fondly. The Chargers were important to her in a way she'd not anticipated. They had changed her life, become almost like family. There had been many an evening when Nan wondered if she should try to run with the mercenaries. It might give her a chance to renew her skills as a warrior instead of this sneaky at-a-distance shit.
But she had work to do. Red Jenny's Friends were her only way of getting half-decent information while in the South as such a small and unofficial group. Especially while Cassandra had her own work to do with the Seekers. Leliana was invaluable, as she'd retained a number of trusted contacts and spies. A couple of her elves had been keeping an eye on whatever Dalish clans they came across for any leaving that might lead to Solas. There were more in Orlais than Fereldan, surprisingly. Though perhaps not as surprising given the still recent Blight.
Fereldan was a strange one. Leliana's close friendship with King Alistair and Queen Melody was a boon to their cause, even if nothing would ever be made public. Despite the complications that had ultimately contributed to the dissolution of the Inquisition, Melody had been supportive when their situation was elaborated on. The Queen had a quest of her own, but it seemed she had Alistair's trust enough that he promised to pass along useful information, should either come across any. So far, there had been nothing but that promise.
Bull noticed that Nan had fallen into a thought spiral and placed his hand at the small of her back, gently, to bring her attention back. She looked back and up, smiling at him, patting his knee.
"Do you ever wonder how we ended up where we are?" she asked softly, staring at the many patrons and the bard in the corner doing coin tricks while the crackling fire warmed the night. "Try to string together a series of events so that they might make sense."
He paused, and Nan fully expected him to say no. It would have made sense for him to say no to her thinking out loud. But instead he said, "Sometimes."
"Have you ever tried to pick out that one moment when your life changed irreversibly? That happenstance that marked that there was no turning back?"
He frowned at her, trying to meet her eyes. "What's brought this on, Nan?"
She took to chewing on her lower lip for a moment, worrying it between her teeth before deciding, "A bit of malcontent."
"Your arm?" he guessed cautiously.
"More general than a singular cause," she sighed and bowed her head, her left arm moving slightly before she switched to her right to push back her hair on her head. She was still getting used to it. "Dammit, sorry. Getting like this isn't helpful to anyone."
He rested his arm along the counter behind her. Nan leaned into it easily and relaxed somewhat as he looked at her fondly.
"It was when I met Krem," Bull said.
"What?"
"When everything changed," he elaborated. Nan nodded her understanding and shifted to face him properly, but still leaning into him. "Lost my eye protecting this scrappy kid I didn't know and gave him a job. A Tevinter kid, no less. He and the others didn’t make life easy."
"You wouldn't change that for anything," Nan said assuredly.
"I would have," he said, in that tone of voice that sounded so matter-of-fact certain. The tone that Nan envied for the confidence it exuded, even when saying such things. "If the Qun demanded it, but they don't. Not anymore."
Nan gave his knee a squeeze and smiled at him briefly before grabbing her drink and taking a few swallows. Across the room the Chargers were enjoying themselves, joyful noise filling the air.
“I had a conversation with my older brother, Mahanon, before I left to go to the Conclave with our envoy,” she said, still watching them as she held her stein in her hand. “I was still unhappy with the idea of leaving Lavellan to go south. I was convinced that the Keeper was trying to sabotage my role with the halla, as though because I wasn’t born to the clan it made me unworthy. I wanted so badly to be mad at her, but Mahanon pulled me aside and we took a walk. He told me, Deshanna wouldn’t have chosen me to go if she didn’t trust me. That, once I got home I would see how proud she was of me.”
“But you never went home,” Bull finished for her.
“Nope,” she said, her voice a bit strained around that one word. She palmed at her face and pinched the space between her eyes. “Dammit… Sorry.”
“You’ve got nothing to be sorry for,” he said, moving his hand to her shoulder.
“No, I do. I…” Nan held her tongue for a moment and caught his eye, his expression confused and expectant. She breathed out a heavy sigh and pulled herself together, finding some of that old Inquisitor Confidence as her hand closed around her piece of the dragon tooth. “I’m considering going North. To the Marches.”
The Bull was taken slightly aback by this. “You…”
“The ruins of Arlathan are on the Northern side of the continent, between Antiva and Tevinter," she cut off, her mood shifting from melancholia to determination mixed with guilt. “I think we’ve exhausted our reach here in the South, but Varric’s in Kirkwall and my family is still in Wycome. And Sera has at least a few Jennies in Starkhaven. Once we’ve made a foothold in the Free Marches, Josie is in Antiva and Dorian’s going to try to help where he can in Tevinter...”
“You’ve already planned all of this out?”
Nan fidgeted with her locket but kept her posture rigid. “It’s not so much planned out, as it is conceptualized. But I'm feeling stagnant here. If we were going to catch a lead we'd have caught it by now."
"I get it," he nodded, listening carefully.
Her fingers moved from the locket to the tooth, holding it tight. "I'm getting restless. I can't stay here. There's too much at stake, and I'm not about to let this damn arm keep me from fixing my mistakes myself."
Bull reached out and brushed some of her hair from her face, pulling his fingers carefully through some of the knots. Nan leaned her cheek into his palm, placing her hand over his and turning to kiss his skin. "You're not alone in this," he assured her.
"I know," she said, smiling up at him and catching his eye. "I've many friends and I'm fortunate to have them. Even if going North means being further from you."
He smirked as he took her drink again. "Is that what you think?"
Nan frowned, looking between the table with his boys and him. "The Chargers work in Orlais, it's been that way since we met. I won’t ask you to follow me, I’m not even planning to ask Sera and Dagna to come.”
Bull’s expression shifted slightly as he swallowed, brow raising. “You’re actually planning to go North by yourself?”
“I am.”
The Iron Bull looked her over, determination on her face and in her posture. His gaze lingered a little long on her missing arm. There was no getting around the fact that she had been completely changed because of it. He knew that Nan hated asking for help with mundanities because it made her feel weak, even though she needed it. And he knew that she was seeking redemption for something beyond her control.
“I’m not going to tell you that you shouldn’t,” he began. Nan held her tongue long enough for him to speak. “But you need someone watching your back. And I’m not just saying this because of your arm, I’m saying this because you’re going after a god.”
“He’s still Solas,” she argued. “Whatever else he is doesn’t change that we were friends and that I know him.”
“He has an army and more agents than we could ever prepare for alone.” Nan sucked on her teeth and pursed her lips. “You disbanded the Inquisition so you would be able to trust the people working for you. If you’re going North, the Chargers will follow you."
"Bull, I don't have money to pay your men anymore," Nan sighed, frustration building. "I can't afford your fee."
"For fucks sake, Nan," he swore, his head bowing in exasperation but lacking irritation as he set the drink down. She stared at him, large elven eyes looking up with confusion. "The Marches have just as much work as Orlais, we're only South because I was assigned to be in the South. I can go wherever I want now, and Krem can take charge if I need him to." He put both his hands on her shoulders and held her gaze and spoke softly. "I will follow you for as long as you need me. Once you set up with a partner, I'll rejoin my boys again to do what I can for you out there."
Nan scanned his face, catching his meaning. "You mean spying for me? Bull, I…"
"I'm not asking permission," he cut off. "You're dead set on doing this, and you're my Kadan. That's my choice, and I'm choosing to support you."
She stammered a bit, still unused to loving and being loved and the implications of that even though they'd been declaring each other theirs for a few years. It had a weight that was altogether comforting but still managed to be somewhat alien. "You're sure about this?" she finally affirmed.
"I am," he assured her. "If you're taking on the end of the world, you're going to need someone on the front lines."
Nan got up to throw her arm around his neck, standing on her toes while he leaned down to hold her in turn. "Thank you so much, ma vhenan."
He smiled against her neck and kissed the space behind her ear. "Anything for you.”
She hugged him tighter and felt for a moment as though she might cry out of relief and gratitude. Nan pulled away enough to see his face before he started to pull through her hair again, releasing some tangles. “It’s a mess, I know.”
Bull smiled and shook his head before meeting her gaze. He lowered his voice for only her and leaned in to her ear, “Let me take care of you.”
Nan’s face warmed at the suggestion and a part of her ached to say no at the implication that she needed help. But he’d always been too good at his job. “Won’t you, please?” she said, just enough begging to be playful.
He chuckled and put a hand to the small of her back, gently guiding her towards the stairs. “Lead the way.”