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To David- No, to Snake, killing was second nature to him. He never gave much thought to the bodies he left in his path. Of course, murders that could be avoided usually were… but, he was not without sin. His steady hands were already stained red. They gripped a gun like an infant, grasping without a second thought. An instinct. A reflex without a cause. Even without the threat to justify it, David found his hands (not always as steady) reaching for his gun. Psychologists would call it part of his PTSD. He’d call it survival. Living life on the edge meant being on the edge, for better or for worse. Even after he withdrew from the society that made him who he was, he was still on the edge.
And thank god for that. Master Miller’s demise was more than enough to remind him that his work was never finished. Even if he turned down the Shadow Moses Island job, threats would always be lurking just out of view. Maybe, a few months later, there would have been news that his body was found in his own home. Maybe longer. Maybe never to be discovered. After all, David didn’t have many people visiting him.
Who would have missed him? Who would mourn the soldier without an army? The murderer without a justification? A replication of another man, with more blood on his hands than David has in his veins.
The other side of the coin that was Big Boss’ gene pool. The only Snake left standing.
He never got to know Liquid Snake- His brother. It was odd knowing that the man he killed was the family he never had the luxury of having. David closed his eyes, once again imagining a life that never could be. A life where things were better, and Liquid was not his enemy. It was a fantasy he started coming back to often after everything already happened.
“Snake?” Hal’s voice broke his train of thought before it really got started, “Sorry, uh, David. I mean.”
David paused for a moment. He heard Hal approaching, but he didn’t figure the other was going to say much. Hal was staying with him for a while as things died down and to say that they’ve grown close would have been an understatement. A simple “…Hm?” was more than enough of a response at this point.
“Are you… okay? I mean, it’s been a few weeks since Shadow Moses Island and, yeah, we talked about what happened but we… haven’t really talked about it.”
“What makes you ask?”
“You’re holding onto your gun again.” Hal answered, almost too softly to be heard as he pulled the gun out of David’s hands. David hardly noticed he done it, though he done it enough that he wasn’t surprised. There was an odd comfort to be had in holding one’s gun.
David grumbled as he pulled together a response, “You knew Liquid Snake, right?”
The question surprised Hal. He blinked, “Uh, yeah. Why?”
“What was he like? When he wasn’t actively trying to kill and sabotage someone.”
“Well…” Hal responded, “We didn’t really talk as much, but he was pretty much the same. Calmer, though, and sometimes he’d be nice. Apparently, he met my father as a child. Wasn’t he your brother?”
“Only by genetics.”
Hal adjusted his glasses, “I’m sorry about that, David.”
“Huh?”
“I can’t imagine what I’d do if I had to kill my sister. You guys weren’t that close and I’m sure it’s not- It must be weird, knowing you two were related. You could have been good friends.”
David bit his lip as he glanced away, “I think about it sometimes. I’ve dreamed about it too, actually.”
Despite their growing bond, David hadn’t shared much with Hal. He told him his history and what he was doing here as well as some lighter things. David was a very private man and private men don’t tell other men their fears and dreams. Not even if these men made their stomach do all kinds of gymnastics and heart soar. Hal was openly surprised, but he kept his mouth shut. Was it out of fear that if he spoke up, David would shut off this side of him? That he would never get the chance to see him so vulnerable again?
Was Hal’s fear actually unfounded?
David continued, “I don’t… remember much of the dreams, but it was something you’d see in a movie. Big Boss still looked the same and I don’t remember who my mother was. Liquid Snake… We were always good friends in them. He would still try to kick my ass though we’d end up in a fit of giggles and all would be okay. No one would mess with us because they knew the other would hand their ass to them. Sometimes, you’d be in them too.”
There was more to Hal’s involvement, but it wasn’t something he would want shared just yet. Hal was always his and sometimes his boyfriend, that his twin would threaten if he broke David’s heart. David would tell him that Hal could never hurt him, and his brother would back off slightly. The glances Hal gave him, among other encounters, were enough to make him question if he was alone in his feelings.
Telling someone you dreamed about your evil twin threatening them was not the best way to tell someone you have feelings for them.
“I hope we were friends.” Hal said quietly.
David chuckled, “The best. He wouldn’t like you at first, but he’d start to. I’d force him too.”
“I hope I made a good first impression.”
“Nah. You pissed yourself.”
“David!” Hal’s voice rose to an almost shrill pitch as he started to pout, “You’re joking. You must be joking. It was one time and it was very stressful. I do not piss myself often!”
“Nope.”
“David!” Hal shoved him lightly and David grabbed onto his arm, almost out of instinct and only barely reminding himself who this was before he gripped on.
“Fine, fine. I’m joking. I don’t have dreams about you pissing yourself, which would probably be much worse than the nightmares.” David responded as he let go.
Hal laughed, “Those are my nightmares though I’m sure your brother would have been a jerk if he knew I did that.”
“Maybe not.”
“What do you mean?” Hal asked.
“Maybe he would have been kinder if he was raised differently. Maybe he would still be alive if his life didn’t lead to him becoming a terrorist.” David’s comments weren’t meant to bring the mood down though it was obvious they did the moment he said them. Hal frowned slightly, in a concerned (but cute) way that spelled out the mood change.
“He never told me much personal stuff. You said you think about him?”
David was silent as he internally debated responding. He was already being so open where he wouldn’t have been before. What reason did he have to continue? All it took as another study of Hal’s expressions for him to make up his mind, “You know I’m a killer. I respect my enemies, but… Yes. Even if I never knew him, I…”
Hal took his hand in his own, “It’s okay, David.”
“What?”
“It’s okay to mourn him. It’s okay to feel sad for the brother you never had, even if he wasn’t the best man out there. It’s okay to mourn the memories you two could have shared and the inside jokes you two could have made and the moments you two could have had,” Hal gripped onto his hand tightly, “He was a terrorist and a killer, but he was still a human. He was still your brother, even if you never got to see any other side to him. You’re still human.”
David wanted to pull his hand away and run away. Grab whatever the hell has the most alcohol in this cabin and drink until he can’t see straight. Leave all this emotion crap behind. Hal’s hand was so warm, his heart so kind, and David deserved none of that.
Solid Snake deserved even less of it.
He felt the tears running down his face, “Liquid Snake doesn’t deserve my tears.”
“But you deserve releasing them. You’re not just crying for him; you’re crying for yourself too.”
David pulled Hal in to wrap his arms around him. It was his first hug in years, and it shouldn’t have been much, but he found himself sinking to his knees in Hal’s warm embrace. He cried silently as he pushed his face into Hal’s shoulder, not able to make any noise beyond his occasional gasps for breath. His tears were not only for the brother he never got, but for every over soldier he was forced to take down. Every mission he completed that he knew he shouldn’t have and every person he couldn’t have saved when he should have been able to. It was for himself, a carbon copy of the man he killed twice. No amount of dreaming could change who he was.
Still, despite all Hal knew about him, he still was holding onto him just as tightly. He still wanted to be by his side. No matter what David did, Hal still wanted him.
“I don’t deserve you, Hal,” David sobbed into him, “I’m… fucked up.”
Hal pulled away to rest his hand on David’s cheek with a confidence that was almost unlike Hal. He was usually more reactive, but there was a look in his eyes now. A confidence he wasn’t used to yet. “That’s not fair. If I’m not allowed to degrade myself, then you aren’t either.” It was a lighthearted comment, but with an edge to seriousness to it.
“There’s a difference-”
“David, I don’t care. I mean- I do care, but… I want you, okay? I want you now and I’d want you if you were just another guy and I’d want you, no matter who you are. Knowing you has made my life so much better. Besides, who else would I take with me to Jupiter?” Hal chuckled lightly.
David couldn’t help but laugh as well. He felt compelled to take the next step, to lean in for a kiss, but now wasn’t the time. Now, he would just take in the look of Hal’s misty eyes and his slight smile.
There would be plenty of time for more later.