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Meredith is sitting in her lab staring at her tablet trying to study her patient's scans before surgery, but all she could think about was Andrew. What Andrew said to her yesterday.
She went in expecting a fight or at least some type of disagreement. She expected him to tell her that she was irresponsible and reckless. She expected him to lecture her on how she put herself and her career at risk, as well as implicated him in her crime. She expected to have to defend her decision to him. In the end, she expected him to storm out leaving her alone trying to make sense of what had just happened.
She was ready for it, their first big fight. She was ready for the yelling, the harsh words, and the heartbreak that came with it. But instead, he said the only three words she was not expecting and not sure she was ready for. The three little words that changed everything. “I love you.”
For a split second, she felt a rush of happiness but that was soon taken over by terror. She did not know how to react, there were so many things rushing through her head. A small part of her wanted to pull him by his lab coat and kiss him senseless, but a bigger part was just screaming “RUN!”
After saying a few meaningless words which she knew brought him no comfort, that is what she did, leaving him the one who was alone trying to make sense of the situation.
On some level, she already knew that he loves her. She could see it in the way he looked at her, the way he smiles at her when they were having a moment like she was the only person on the planet that mattered.
She was okay with knowing how he felt about her, but hearing him say it out loud was different somehow. It made her feel ecstatic and terrified at the same time. Probably because deep down Meredith knew she loved him too.
Every time the idea popped into her head she would push it out because it terrified her. Everyone she has ever cared about deeply has either died or left. George, Izzy, Lexi, Derek, her mom, even Cristina, who she thought would always be there. She was afraid of loving him because she was afraid of losing him.
He made her feel something she had not felt in such a long time. He made her feel seen, cared about… wanted. Whenever she was around him she couldn't help but feel happy. He made her feel light and fluttery in a way she couldn't explain.
It was the little moments with him that meant the most to her. The completely ordinary everyday moments that made her realize how much she loved him. The moments when they would just hang out at his place and spend hours on the couch just talking about nothing and everything at the same time. They would just sit there laughing and enjoying themselves. Or when Meredith would fall asleep while they watching one of her mom’s old surgeries and she would wake up with her head in his lap and him playing with her hair.
Most of all she knows she loved him because she can see a future with him and the idea of losing him scares her. So many of the people she loved had died. It's like the universe has it out for her. She is afraid if she tells him she loves him too that it would make it too real and something might come along and mess it up. Derek is the only other man she has ever loved, she never thought she would ever feel the same way about anyone else. But then Andrew, someone she never thought she would fall for, came woke up all these dormant feelings she never thought she would feel again.
She avoided seeing him for the rest of the day. She is just glad she doesn't have to worry about running into him today because it is his day off. She just isn't ready to face him yet.
Her thoughts were interrupted by Qadri who came to tell her that her patient was all prepped and ready for surgery. Meredith takes one last look at the scans before going to the OR.
She slowly shakes Andrew out of her mind as she runs through the steps of the procedure in her head while scrubbing in. This is going to be a long surgery, long but relatively simple, she estimates it will take about 10 hours. Qadri is going to be assisting, which she doesn't mind because she likes Qadri. Yet she still can’t help but wish it was Andrew. If she weren't avoiding him right now she probably would have asked him to scrub in, even if it was his day off because she there is no one at this hospital she would rather spend 10 hours in an OR with then him.
~~~
Meredith is completely drained after standing at the table for the past 11 hours. There was a small complication during surgery which caused it to run longer than expected. She lets out a sigh of relief as she threw the last closing stitch and gave Quadri post-op instructions before stepping out of the OR into the scrub room and started scrubbing out.
Her next priority was finding Alex, well first food, then Alex. He has checked on her in the gallery at least three times while she was in surgery then told her to come find him right when she got out of surgery. There was something off about his tone, she could tell something was wrong.
She figured it probably had to do with Jo since she has had such a hard time recently. Alex even told her that there was a day that she had been drinking at work. She tried not to think about it too much while in surgery because her patient needed her complete attention.
She dried her hand before opening the door to leave the scrub room to find Alex sitting out in the hall waiting for her. She knew this must be serious otherwise he wouldn't be waiting out here like this.
Meredith looks at him with a questioning expression as a nonverbal way of asking him ‘What is going on?’
He pulls her into the now empty OR scrub room, “let's talk in here.” he says closing the door behind him.
“Alex, what’s wrong? Did something happen with Jo?” she asked. “No, Jo is fine,” he tells her.
“Then what is wrong? Because by the look on your face right now I would have to guess that somebody died,” she jokes with a light chuckle.
Her smile quickly fades when he doesn’t share the same reaction. “Seriously, what’s going on?”
“Look Mer, there was an accident. Deluca was on his bike when a car swerved into his lane and hit him.”
Meredith froze in place, it all felt so surreal. Her heart stopped she felt like she couldn't breathe. Their whole relationship she had been waiting for the other shoe to drop, for something to go wrong. Even though she always figure it would be a secret wife or an ex, the thought of him dying had crossed her mind a few times. She had always had a bad feeling about that bike.
She stood there motionless. Alex was talking to her but she wasn't listening. Her mind went blank and she felt completely numb. The only thought going through her head is Andrew. She needed to find Andrew. That is when she pushed Alex out of her way and started running towards the ER. She could hear him yelling behind her but she didn't care right now, Andrew was the only one who mattered at this moment.