Archive of Our Own ^beta

Mutation is much harder to watch when it happens slowly.

The speed, the power, the ferocity of that first mutation was certainly terrifying. It haunts my nightmares, especially the noises. But this second watch was its own special kind of hell. This time it was my friend Blitz, the Joy Boy I’d traveled with for so long, in search of his leader, Buzzo. When Blitz finally found him, he was attacked, his body torn apart at the end of his leader’s blade. Blitz’s body was now so damaged that the mutation moved horribly slow. 

It was the worst experience I’ve ever had. Thinking about it makes me want to vomit. And I can’t stop thinking about it. I held his hand, I felt the bones shift under his skin. I saw everything. In detail. I should have left.. But he asked me to stay with his dying words, his last words as a human, and even if I knew what was happening, I still stayed. I don’t know why, but I did. I stayed until he woke up just as I promised. I don’t know how long it took. It felt like days, of sitting and watching and cursing god for hating us so viciously. 

But, eventually Ben stirred, turning his head to face me, though I could no longer see his face beneath the hair that covered it. I closed my eyes because I knew what was coming. There would be no rescue for me, and this attack would cost than just my leg. A peace settled over me in that moment, taking control of my body. 

“ rrrrRRRrrraaAAAaaaAAaa…” he hissed at me, tugging at my poncho before grabbing hold. I expected to die, maybe I even welcomed it. But instead of biting my head off of my neck, he threw me aside. It twisted my ankle, bruised my ribs and dislocated my shoulder, but I didn’t die. Adrenaline and panic got me to my feet, and I ran away. I felt his eyes on me, but he didn’t follow. Eventually I lost sight of him, before collapsing in the corner of one of the abandoned barracks. 

Everything is lost. My friend is gone. I’m scared and I’m miserable. I doubt I’ll sleep tonight, or the night after that. I may never sleep again. Not while haunted by the things I’ve seen. The thoughts of it are going to eat me alive.

—-

Why did I go back?

I spent a few days healing. I had to, I was paralyzed with existential terror and grief and trauma from all of the nightmares that kept building and building and suffocating me. Eventually my ankle healed to the point where I could walk with the help of a large stick I was fortunate enough to find. May as well get a little luck at this rate. So I could move, I could go anywhere now.

But I came back to him. Blitz was right where I left him, still lying on his back. He craned his neck up when he saw me, and I could still feel his eyes on me, even hidden behind his hair. I approached slowly, carefully, resisting the urge to flee again. He hissed immediately, swatting his massive hand out, nearly grazing me with his claws even many feet away. This wouldn’t work. He didn’t seem able to get up from his back, but if I got close he’d likely attack me. That’s how many mutants worked. He flailed his limbs, hissing and growling, and I ran to flee behind a rock before he could hurt me.

Why was I here? What was I trying to do? I don’t understand what brought me back to him, but some deep force seemed to push me onward, and I knew I couldn’t give up. He had tugged at my poncho, maybe he had gone back to his instincts. Anyone wearing these colours was part of the Rando Army, his enemy. He didn’t remember what became of them. 

Did he… remember me ? 

The thought caught in my head and would not leave. Was that why I returned? Either way, now I wanted to know. Reluctantly I slipped my poncho and bandanna off, folding them behind the rock. I didn’t like revealing my chest like other men. It was so personal, and made me feel vulnerable. I could see the scars I tried to hide where I could not hide my lack of leg. There was fresh bruising on top of them, thanks to Blitz. This was ridiculous, I was going to get killed doing this. But my legs kept walking onward.

“Blitz, it’s me.” I called out, walking slowly with my hands outstretched. He seemed to respond slightly, moving his neck closer to me. His gaze on me grew stronger and it made me shiver.

“It’s alright. I’m not with the army anymore, and you’re not with the Joy Boys. They’re both gone, Blitz. We don’t have to fight their fight.”

He seemed to be letting me approach, though I could hear him growling softly, hands clawing at the earth. He still seemed agitated, but he wasn’t attacking. I kept moving closer and closer, soothing and assuring him, before my legs brought me right in front of him. He seemed to consider me a moment before bringing his hand down on top of me and pinning me to the ground.

It was a good run, but this was the only way it was going to end, I was an idiot for thinking otherwise. The weight was crushing me, and in a panic I began crying out while I still had air in my lungs.

“Blitz! Blitz stop it, it’s me Maddie! I’m not going to hurt you! Please! Ben!”

The grip loosened slightly as I spoke his name. His head leaned over me, hair brushing against my chest. I could see the glint of teeth from underneath it. He breathed against me, hot and heavy, and I felt warmth on my chest as blood spattered against it, oozing from his open mouth. I was completely still, paralyzed with fear. He stood over me for several minutes before making a low gurgle and slowly lifting his hand enough for me to wiggle out.

We stared at each other, as though both trying to remember the way things used to be. I couldn’t believe that my friend had become this creature. I couldn’t believe I was still here. Because even seeing him like this, all warped and twisted, with my chest soaked in his blood, I still considered him a friend. 

Finally, I broke the silence.

“Hello, Ben.”

—

I found a shovel on one of the corpses of the Rando soldiers. I couldn’t recognize him, his face too broken and bloodied. I spent so much time around these people. They were my friends, my family. I decided to give them all a burial, no matter how long it took. What else could I do? May as well occupy my troubled mind.

Fortunately since Randoland is separated from a large part of Olathe by the sea, less people stumble upon it. This meant that a lot of the corpses still had their equipment and rations on them. It was a shame to loot from them, but I knew I couldn’t pass up such an abundance of food and water. I hid it all in my barracks before coming back with the shovel to set to work.

Digging graves was difficult, the ground was sun-baked and I’m not a strong man. Eventually though I dug a grave and prepared to fill it. I practically waded through the gore to find an intact body. When I reached down to grab its arm I felt as its burnt skin flaked off into my hand, and that was enough. I ran away to vomit nearby, my body shaking. This was all too much to handle on my own. Fortunately, among the wreckage, I found a friend. I retreated into my barrack and grabbed the treasure I had found. Booze. I didn’t like relying on it, but shame was unimportant right now. I needed anything to silence my thoughts. To dull my senses. Anything.

“God. God. Fuck all of this.” I muttered, toasting to no one before chugging the contents.

—-

I settled into a routine after that. Sleep in the barracks, wake up, dig more graves, take a break, visit Ben, drink, bury the bodies, and go back to sleep. I tried to bury at least one per day to make progress. My visits with Ben usually consisted of briefly checking in. It still hurt to spend too much time with him, even looking at him filled me with regret, grief and sorrow. 

I had nearly forgotten to visit one day, when I heard strange noises while I was digging. It sounded like some sort of distorted crying. I was off running towards him before I knew it. Unsurprisingly, Ben was the source of the terrible noise, he was lying flat on the ground, heaving and sobbing onto the soil. 

I approached him slowly and he tilted his head up, the crying stopped for a moment at the sight of me, before he flopped back down. I kept walking until I was right next to him, closer than I’d ever been. 

“Oh Ben…” I whispered, trying to make my voice soothing even as it trembled. “It’s alright. I’m right here. I’m right here.” As though on instinct my hand moved forward and my fingers ran through his hair. This was the first time I’d touched him on my own since he’d stopped mutating. I was surprised he was letting me, though he snarled a little every time I hit a tangle. Still, it seemed to soothe him. As I continued brushing his hair, a song escaped my lips, one my mother used to sing to me as a child to calm me down.

“ You are my sunshine, 

my only sunshine.

You make me happy, 

when skies are grey.

You’ll never know dear, 

how much I love you.

Please don’t take my sunshine away.”

Blitz stared at me, his crying suddenly silent. I caught the faintest glimpse of a blue eye gazing out from behind his curtain of hair. He made a strange noise, a low sort of rumble. It sounded almost like… purring. He seemed to be content with the singing, so out of curiosity I sang the song again. As I did he leaned his head against my body as I combed through his hair, rumbling happily. Strangely, it was a nice moment. 

I continued to repeat the song, my movements growing absent minded as I stared into the distance. The Olathe sunshine shone down on me, warming my bones. Yet inside I felt cold. My mother used to sing me this song. I returned fleetingly to my old room, with her hands brushing my own hair. I missed her so much, I missed her every single day of my life. The more I sang, the calmer Ben got, but the more distraught I became, tears welling up in my own eyes. The feelings soon became too much to bear and I fell quiet. I had to leave anyways; I had yet to get a body in a grave, and I refused to miss my quota. So I took my fingers out of his hair and stepped away from him. The rumbling stopped and he stared as if confused. I continued moving away as he started to whine at me, hands scrabbling against the earth. He writhed furiously, looking like he was attempting to pull himself upright so he was no longer stuck. Struck by pity and fear, I turned around and ran back to the graveyard, leaving him behind as his cries followed me through the air. 

I must have been hallucinating, but I swear for just a moment, I heard him say the word “Sunshine” .

It was only when I’d returned to the graves that I realized I hadn’t taken my poncho off.

—

People arrived one day, two of them just wandered in. I knew it would happen eventually, but it still came as a surprise. I could barely believe it when I first saw them, and even as I ran over to confront them I had my doubts they were even real. They would be the first living humans I’d seen since Ben mutated. It had just been me for… I didn’t really know how long. It struck me for a moment, thinking about it. How alone I truly was. I’m sure I must have looked odd to them, running over and then immediately spacing out. Eventually the two tried to get my attention.

Of the wanderers, one wore a ragged crimson cloak and the other wore a white and blue snake mask. They both seemed fairly harmless, though their presence still made me nervous.

“Hey man, you all good there?” The masked one asked me.

“It’s alright dude, we wouldn’t hurt you. We’re pretty chill.” The cloaked one assured.

I attempted to collect myself and speak to them. I knew I couldn’t let them near Ben. Just because he seemed fine around me didn’t mean he wouldn’t attack others, or vice-versa.

“You need to leave. There’s a mutant in this area and he may harm you.” I urged them.

“Shit, really?” The masked one asked, suddenly sounding a lot more nervous. “Are you alright, did he hurt you?”

“What are you doing here if there’s a mutant?” The cloaked one asked. “Those things are feral as hell, we’ve been trying to avoid them.”

I saw them both staring at my peg leg and grit my teeth. They were right if they thought a mutant tore it off, but it wasn’t this one. 

“I’m fine, he’s alright with me now, but I wouldn’t get close to him. You’re best to continue avoiding the mutants all together. That’s very smart of you.” I explained, a strange bitterness entering my voice near the end.

The masked one seemed to notice and spoke up again. “So, if I can ask, what’s with you and this mutant? You say he’s alright with you? You sound kinda familiar with it.”

“It’s crazy that you have a mutant that doesn’t hurt you, I’ve never even heard of that.” The cloaked one added, clearly a little wary. “You should try and ride him into battle or something, that way nobody will ever fuck with you again.”

I found myself smiling a little at the idea. Now that’d be a sight, and it’s true that no one would mess with me after that point. Though with just Ben around, there weren’t any battles to charge into, even if I liked fighting, which I don’t.

“He’s stationary right now. He’s stuck on his back, so you’re not in danger of him attacking you, but I wouldn’t get any closer.”

The masked one nodded slowly, fiddling with the hem of his poncho.

“Okay, dude. Alright. So, are you part of a gang or something? We haven’t seen anyone else around here for awhile.” The masked one inquired.

“We’ve been wandering and looking for supplies. Do you have anything you could spare? We’re super hungry and broke.” The cloaked one asked.

I sighed, knowing that I had a lot more than one man could reasonably eat himself, so I could definitely spare some for these travellers. They were nice enough, but they still made me nervous. I was so used to it being just Ben and I that I didn’t know how to feel about other people.

“Yeah, I can grab you a couple items, but after that… you need to promise to get out of here, and you can’t ever tell anyone that I’m here, alright?”

The two wanderers shared a look, and then both nodded in agreement. I walked away from them back to my barracks, constantly looking over my shoulder to make sure they weren’t following. Fortunately they stayed where they were. I passed Ben on the way into the barracks, who craned his neck towards me and gurgled. Hard to think he was really that dangerous, but I knew how Joy Mutants could get. I was a fool to think I knew everything he was capable of. It was dangerous to let anyone near him, I had to protect them. I stood still for a moment and stared at him, clenching my fists as a fire lit in my chest. A thought crossed my mind, my true fear unearthing itself. He didn’t just pose a threat to others, others posed a threat to him. They didn’t know, they didn’t understand, they just saw him as a monster.

I had to protect him .

With that thought I kept walking, ducking into the barracks to grab an armful of items, and then walking back to the wanderers.

They were discussing with one another, and I approached slowly so that I could make out some of the conversation.

“ -can't just leave, we have to get stuff or we’ll starve to death.” said the masked one.

“ I know, but that dude doesn’t sit right with me. Mutants are pretty vicious, I don’t even think you can be friendly with them. What if he’s going to grab the rest of his gang and kill us?” the cloaked one pondered.

“I mean, I didn’t see anyone else around here, but maybe. I hope not. I don’t know, he seemed more weird and lonely than evil or anything.”

“You think he lives alone out here with that mutant? I still don’t know how he’d do that.”

“Maybe. I’m pretty sure after thinking about it that he knew the mutant. Shit, that must suck. That poor guy...”

“Oh ouch. Yeah that would suck. Don’t you go and turn into a mutant, okay dude?”

“Hah, I’ll try, but no promises. We have no clue how this stuff even happens. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad though, to be a mutant... but I’ll do my best.”

“So what do we do about this guy? Kinda sucks to leave him here.”

“I don’t know, he seems chill, maybe we should invite h-“ the two stopped talking suddenly, looking up to stare at me standing in front of them.

“...Hey.” The masked one greeted.

“Oh sweet, you actually aren’t trying to kill us and you brought back stuff! This is great dude, thanks.” said the cloaked one. 

The two exchanged looks yet again, before staring at me as I stood there holding my armful of slightly bloody items.

“Uh, hey. So we were talking and… you seem pretty lonely out here.” The cloaked one began.

“We were wondering if maybe you’d want to join us? We’re not really a gang, just a couple of dudes, but we wouldn’t mind the help or anything. If you want that is. It’s just kinda sad that you’re out here.” The masked one concluded.

I stood there with a blank expression as my mind began to work through the question. I didn’t know these people, but wouldn’t it be nice to get away? To have people to talk to? To have new friends instead of just staying here with Ben? But the moment I thought about him, it all fell apart. I just… couldn’t abandon him like that, knowing that he was still back here, sad and alone. I had to stay, I had to protect him. I wasn’t done with the graves either. I just couldn’t leave this place. 

“I… appreciate the offer, but I can’t go with you. I just… I can’t go with you. Sorry. Please just take these and go” I responded, before quickly holding out the supplies.

The two shared yet another look, before turning back to me with utter pity. They both stepped forward and grabbed the supplies. The masked one gave me a quick, gentle pat on the shoulder.

“...Alright man, if you say so. Good luck out there.” wished the masked one.

“Thanks for the stuff. It means a lot. You’re a nice dude, stay safe.” said the cloaked one.

I just nodded, and after a long and awkward silence, as though waiting for me to change my mind, the two wanderers turned around and left. 

I watched them the entire time as they vanished into the distance, and with each step they took a feeling of regret grew in the pit of my stomach. What was I doing? I had a chance at being with people again and I refused? What was wrong with me!? This had happened before during my journey with Ben, many people said I should leave him, but I never listened. Now he wasn’t even human but I still wouldn’t leave his side. I felt… trapped. Bound to him by fate or my own stupidity. My brain was in conflict as the wanderers left, I kept screaming at myself to chase after them, say I was a fool, go with them, finally be free. But my legs just wouldn’t move. Eventually I couldn’t even see them anymore, and defeated I trudged back to my barracks. When I passed by Ben again, watched him as he flailed and gurgled at me, I could barely stop myself from crying. Unable to stand the sight of him, I ran into my little home and holed up in the corner, drinking silently until I finally, mercifully passed out.

—

The world was dark. Inky blackness covered every inch of my vision. I began walking through the void, listening to the thump-click of my mismatched footsteps. I didn’t know where I was going, but I felt as though I was being pushed forward by some invisible force. I had to keep walking. There was something ahead, waiting for me. 

Sure enough, after walking for what felt like hours, a figure entered my sight. It was a woman, the first I’d seen in years. She stood tall, with a purple sweater and her hair tied in a high ponytail. I recognized her instantly, even though she was turned away from me.

Dana Madison, my sister.

“Dana?” I called out to her, unable to move. How long had it been since I’d seen her? Oh god… I missed her so much.

“Maddie.” she greeted. Hearing her say my nickname made my heart ache. She was the first one to start calling me that, after she said I didn’t look like a “Seth”. Yet the way she spoke felt off. Her voice sounded flat and she didn’t stir, still turned away. This felt… wrong, somehow.

“Dana, it’s so good to see you again.” I smiled regardless, finally stepping forward to hug her. Who cared about these vague feelings of discomfort. I could finally see my sister!

“.....Why do you stay?” she asked, her voice cold.

“What?” I asked, stopping in my tracks. The cold edge to her voice sent shivers down my spine.

“Why do you stay with that monster ?” 

Caught off guard, it took me a moment to speak. It was still hard to come up with an answer to that question.

“Well I-“

“You know it’s not going to get rid of your guilt. You abandoned mom and I. This won’t change that.”

I was angry for a moment, about to tell her that she abandoned us first… but we’d already had this fight. It was brutal and ugly and in the end we both lost. I didn’t want to go through all that again.

“Dana… I’m sorry.”

I couldn’t see her expression, but I could watch her shoulders tense up.

“That’s not going to change anything either.” She said, resentment creeping into her voice. Her hands balled into fists at her sides, she still refused to turn and look at me.

“So then why the hell do you stay?” She asked again, harsher this time.

“I don’t… I… he asked me… I just want to help him! I just want to help somebody!”

“ Well, Maddie, you’ve failed. You’ve failed everybody. Look around, everyone is dead, you left them all to die!”

As she said this I could make out shapes in the darkness. The ground was littered with corpses, strewn all around the void, piled on top of one another, organs trailing about like bloodsoaked serpents. I tried to close my eyes to it but my lids wouldn’t move. I bit down hard on my lip and swallowed the bile in the back of my throat.

“You think you’re such a good fucking person, don’t you Maddie? That you don’t deserve this. Because you meant well. Because you tell yourself you meant well. But you know the truth as well as I do.”

I felt tears forming in my eyes, making the shapes in the dark twist and swim.

“Dana, please stop.” 

“You deserve it. All of it. You failed them. You think you can help people, that you’ll be the person to heal their deepest traumas. You think you’re a fucking miracle worker, you’re a university drop out! You tricked those people! You tricked yourself!” She was yelling at me now, heaving as though barely able to contain her disgust.

“Dana.” I whispered, my voice on the edge of breaking. “Please don’t say these things. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. Please, please stop.”

“You’re not a good person, Maddie. You’re a fraud. You’re a coward. You’re a parasite. You make people think they need you. You make yourself think they need you! You must be happy he’s a monster now, because now he has to depend on you! I bet you wanted him like this, didn’t you!? DIDN’T YOU MAD-“

“ SHUT UUUUUAAAAAAGGGHHHH!!! ” 

She jolted suddenly, and then both of us were still. Both of us were caught off guard by that scream, harsh and horrible. That noise of visceral rage. That terrible, inhuman cry.

The one that had just come from my mouth. 

I just wanted to get her to stop, but the words had twisted into that noise as they escaped my lungs. My body trembled slightly from the force of it, and from the fear that gripped me tightly.

Dana’s body on the other hand seemed to relax, muscles untensing, before she began… to laugh.

“Heheheehee heheeheehheeheh… Maaaaddie.” she cooed at me. Her voice had changed, not just the tone but the whole thing became distorted.

“It’s okay to be a bad person Maddie… I still love you. Maddie Maddie Maddie. My silly little brother.”

This was somehow worse then when she was yelling at me. She sounded delirious as she spoke, and it was making me uneasy.

“I’m not a bad person. I’m trying, okay? I’m trying my best, I don’t want to hurt anyone!”

“No? But hurting people is fuuuuun…! You’re trying so hard to make a difference Maddie, to change things. Even if it’s all just soooo pointless. You’re so silly… silly Maddie.”

She laughed again, and I felt a pressure from inside my chest. Like something was pushing on my rib cage from within. I gasped suddenly as I felt it, grasping onto my poncho.

“Hehehe… Maaaaaddie… Do you feel it Maddie? It wants to escape. It’s okay to be a bad person. It’s okay to give up. I’m proud of you. I love you Maddie. Maddie. MaddieMaddieMaddie.”

The pressure grew stronger, made it harder to breathe. I dropped to my knees, feeling the organs of my fallen comrades moving and intertwining around my legs. I clawed at my chest powerlessly, my heart beating and beating in my ears, louder and louder. I saw my sister reach up behind her head and pull out her hairband. Her hand was strange, scarred and twisted. The hair fell down around her shoulders, and she finally turned around to look at me. Her hair covered her face. I couldn’t see it.

“Stay with me! Stay with me! Stay! STAY! STAAAAAY!!!” 

I recognized how her voice had changed. It sounded like Ben’s. She reached up with that gnarled hand and pulled back her hair, revealing a piercing blue eye. The void split open like a wound and from within the sky was full of guts, writhing and swirling and spiraling ever into itself, snakes crawling over one another, soaked crimson with blood, and my heart kept beating louder, it was all I could hear, it was all there was, and the pressure in my chest built and built and built and built and I couldn’t move and I couldn’t breath and I couldn’t think and all I could hear was the beating of my heart and the word Stay over and over and over and over and over and over.

Beneath the swirling chaos 

of the organ sky, it freed itself 

from my chest and 

consumed me

The eye looked down 

upon me 

and in its joyful gaze 

I was reborn anew

—-

I started drinking almost as soon as I woke up. How could I not?

When I jolted awake my body was damp with sweat, and my face with tears. My heart beat violently in my ears, the sound of it filling me with a deep and primal fear that at any moment my dream would become a reality. I backed my body into a corner, curled up into a ball and cowered. Still I couldn’t hide from my own heartbeat, all I could do was sit there and ride out the panic attack until my muscles untensed enough for me to move. For several minutes I sat there convinced I was about to mutate, but in the end it never happened. It was all just a nightmare. A horrible, horrible nightmare. My stomach still churned and my head still swam with the thought of it. I knew that with the memory of it seared into my brain I wouldn’t get a single thing done. I’d probably just sit curled in the corner the whole day. That wasn’t anything I wanted to go through, but to get anything done I knew I’d have to break my usual regiment. I’d have to drown the nightmare so I could get on with my day.

Fighting off my nausea and tremors I dug through my hidden loot stash and got together all the booze I could find. There was no toast this time, just a defeated sigh before I drank my feelings.

Now I did need the booze to get shit done, sure. But I never drank it first thing. I mean it was always day drinking, since nights are few and far between, but I didn’t get drunk right from the start. There was no easing into it this time. But it was kinda nice. Being sober sucks. There’s too much to get all caught up in, there’s so much awful shit to obsess over in Olathe. You have to destroy your brain to get it to work, funnily enough. 

I rode the buzz out the door of the barracks as it began to take its hold. Had I overdone it? Maybe. But I didn’t really know what that meant, or if it even mattered. I was focusing less on the dream, I wasn’t locked into a panic attack. That was good. I could work with that.  

I’d been interrupted the day before in the middle of my work, so I still had an unfilled grave. That was good, I normally got drunk to move the corpses anyways. I was making good progress after all this time, there were only a few scattered bodies left. I could even see the blood soaked ground beneath them again. Just a few more, and then… and then….. well, I didn’t actually know. This had become my purpose. What would I do without it? 

This was upsetting. I was drunk but still thinking about that dumb shit I always think about. Even with the amount I drank, it wasn’t enough. I pushed the nearest body and its surrounding viscera into the grave, before trying to fill it up with. It was messy, more than the others. I couldn’t really do a good job like this. It didn’t matter though, I’d fix it later. I just had to make some progress.

I stared at the ground for awhile, thinking about what to do next. Should I try burying another one? I didn’t think digging another grave while drunk would go super well. But what else was there to do? Maybe I should go find more booze. I only had a finite amount, and I was running low after today. I didn’t want to run out, I needed this much. If I wasn’t going to numb my emotions with Joy like everyone else did, then I at least needed to fog up my brain with alcohol.. Anything to get by in this shit awful godforsaken world.

As I thought about what to do, I was interrupted by a distant gurgling cry. For a moment I freaked out, scared that there was a joy mutant nearby, ready to wander over and just kill me. But then I remembered… that was my joy mutant. I could always go visit him. Would doing it drunk be a good idea? Definitely not. But I looked inside myself and realized I didn’t actually care very much. What else was there to do? This really was all I had left.

My legs began carrying me over to where I knew Ben was stuck. I stared blearily at the horizon as I approached, but as I did I began to feel something. A feeling bubbling in the very pit of my stomach, something hot and sharp and spreading through my blood until my whole body boiled with it. 

Frustration. Anger. Rage .

Every cry I heard stoked the fire, and soon I was storming forward with teeth and jaws clenched. When I felt very strongly about something, I would often try to dissect the feelings, to figure out their source, to see if it was irrational. This was something that I learned in therapy, and a strategy that helped for many years. But not now. This anger was too abstract, wordless, powerful. It latched onto my addled brain and took control.

Eventually I came face to face with him. The miserable creature was still lying on his back, moaning and crying into the air.

“God. Look at you.” The words were coming without thought  as though they were travelling through me, like I was a radio.

“You’re so… pathetic. Blitz. Look at you! Shit! God, how did you let this happen!”

He had his head turned to me, and I felt my stomach churn again. I couldn’t stand the sight of him.

“You used to be my friend! Do you even remember that? Everything we went through! I fucking… I stayed! I stayed! Through all of it! Every bit!”

The world was spinning, blurring together. I could barely keep my balance.

“I stayed! I tried! I tried to get you to stop! And what did you go and do? What did you go and fucking do!? You mutated! You stupid bastard! You went and mutated! YOU PROMISED ME! And I really thought… I really thought that meant something... God. God! Why does this always have to happen! Why can’t I just find someone and have them stay human! Am I just cursed to be alone?”

The anger built and built, and with nowhere to escape it began spilling from my eyes as hot tears.

“Did you even think about me!? Was it always about him? I don’t care if he left you! I didn’t know him! But we knew each other! We fucking knew each other! All those nights we spent, all the battles we faced, did that even mean anything to you!? I wanted more… is that selfish? I wanted to spend more time with you. I didn’t… I didn’t want it to end like this. But YOU went and MUTATED! Did you even think about how I would feel!? How much I would miss you!? God, you fucking idiot! I LOVED YOU!”

I was on my knees, I had fallen sometime during my rant, and was kneeling in the dirt, crying and hugging my braid. The words kept pouring from the radio. Ben was flailing again, this time more violently than before, struggling so hard to get off of the ground. I felt my heart breaking at the sight of it.

“I loved you. I love you. Ben. I’m sorry. I failed you. I should’ve done- I should’ve- I-“ my words deteriorated into sobbing for a moment, the anger cooling and into a sadness that chilled my insides. Not numb, but freezing cold.

“I hate you. I love you. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m so lost. I’m so lonely. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you.”

I curled into the ground, hands over my head, and all that came through the radio was sobbing. I couldn’t speak anymore, the booze and the feelings pushed out all coherent thought until all that was left was raw emotion. Before I put my head on the ground and turned the world dark, I saw Ben finally sink his claws into the ground, pull himself upright, and then shift onto his hands and feet. He was free, he could finally move, and he was coming towards me. I wondered if he would slaughter me for my outburst. I wouldn’t be upset. I deserved it. Every footstep shook the ground as he grew closer, closer. I braved myself for my death, but was still surprised at a far larger and louder tremor right next to me, the force of it nearly throwing me off the ground. Slowly I turned myself to look.

Ben was lying on his stomach, his head right next to my body. I could feel his breath against my skin, the heat of it thawing the cold in my heart. It smelt like death, but everything smelt like death nowadays, I was used to it. I shifted, laying on my side so I was facing him. I looked over to watch his massive twisted body, as it heaved gently. There was something beautiful about him, a confidence held in his new form that I struggled to have with my own body. For a second I felt like being human might be overrated. But then I remembered my experiences of watching a human change like that. It all came back to me at once and I started sobbing again. Then I felt as something pressed against me. Ben had moved his neck so that his head was lying in the curl of my body, sitting gently against me. I gasped in surprise for a moment at the tenderness of the gesture, before it made me start crying all over again. I spent the next while curled into Ben’s hair, burying my face and hands in it and sobbing until I could sob no more. I let go of everything in that moment, all the built up sadness, anger and grief. I let it wash over me and pour out into the earth.

Eventually I stopped, lay still, hands still tangled in his hair. I began brushing it absentmindedly again as I stared into it with eyes unfocused. My entire body felt unfocused. Like I had dropped all my weight and was now drifting away. I was tired. The sun, the alcohol, the crying, and the low rumble I felt from Ben were all lulling me to sleep. Weirdly enough, pressed up against this massive monster, I felt safer than I’d felt in years. Weirder still, as I finally fell asleep I swore I heard him say something to me.

“...Addie.”

—

No dreams haunted my sleep that night, I slept well and woke up feeling more refreshed than I'd been in years. I opened my eyes to a curtain of grimy black hair, the faintest glint of teeth visible through the strands. My heart stopped for a moment, and I scrambled backwards away from the mutant, chest heaving as I caught my breath. It took me a moment to remember why I was so close to him, why I’d fallen asleep there, foggy memories of the night before trickling back into my brain. I began to relax as I realized that I’d been lying vulnerable right next to him for hours and he hadn’t attacked me. The sense of danger surrounding him faded away as I realized he’d likely never hurt me. The relief made me laugh, slightly hysterically, which caught Ben’s attention. He lazily tilted his head at me, curious.

“You didn’t hurt me, did you? Hah, you really didn’t hurt me. You could’ve… but you didn’t.”

He stared blankly, tilting his head to the other side. I slowly got to my feet, dusting off my poncho. Quickly I approached him and gave his head a pat, which he leaned his head into and rumbled at softly. My chest tightened, not out of fear, but with something else. Affection, maybe, as weird as it was. Ben really was in there. He really did care about me. I hummed a quick melody to him, enjoying the moment, yet I knew that I had to go back to my work. I stepped away from him, and he stared at me again, making a confused gurgling noise as I withdrew.

“I’m sorry Ben, I have to go bury them. I’ll come back soon, alright? I just… I can’t stop now. I’m so close.” I explained. To leave him here felt sad. I didn’t want to go. Confused by this feeling, I quickly turned and left, ignoring the whining and gurgling behind me. I’d come back soon, I told myself, just to make sure he was alright. I thought this, but deep down I knew the truth. Visiting him was just as much for my sake as it was for his.

 I had only a half dozen bodies left to bury. The graves were all simple, especially the one I made yesterday. Just a stick in the dirt with a name written into the ground beneath. I had plans to make much nicer tomb markers, like a real cemetery before the flash. Maybe I could even plant a flower on some of them. It was something to keep me busy, even after I’d buried them all. After that? I didn’t know. I didn’t want to think about it. I guess… I’d stay with Ben. 

I continued my work, humming to myself as I dug the graves. I thought that perhaps I should dig multiple graves while sober, then get wasted and fill them all. However I barely finished digging the first when I was interrupted. I didn’t hear the footsteps at first, engaged in my work, so when I turned around to see Ben looming over me, I nearly had a heart attack.

“Fuck! Jesus… Ben you nearly scared me to death. God, I forgot you can move now. Shit..”

I took a moment to catch my breath, staring at the mutant as we both just stood there. What now? Do I keep him here? Do I tell him to leave? Would he even listen? Once I finally got the air back into my lungs I made my decision.

“Alright, you must be lonely all the way over there. You can stay here while I do this, you just have to be careful.” I told him, which he gave no response to. Hesitantly I turned my back on him again and began to dig once more, absorbing myself into the work so that I nearly forgot he was there. I even started humming to myself again, which is likely why I turned around to find his face directly in mine. I screeched and nearly fell over into one of the empty graves.

“You can’t just sneak up on me like that!” I yelled, smacking him lightly on the head. He gave no response to that either save for a quiet gurgle. I sighed, finding it hard to be upset with him, at least while sober. Who knew how much he was actually aware of? It wasn’t fair to get mad at him, was it? Or was that ridiculous? He was a monster after all.

Ben, unhindered by the types of thoughts plaguing me, began nudging his head into me, nearly pushing me into the grave again. I stepped away from him and sighed, studying him to see if I could tell what he wanted.

“Do you want me to keep humming? You seem to like music.” I asked.

He bobbed his head slightly in response and my heart skipped a beat. Was that a nod? Could he nod? Could he understand me?

I took a breath and began humming again, Ben gurgled happily in response, head resting on top of mine, the weight nearly causing my legs to collapse. I moved his head off me and continued working away.

Caught in the rhythm of my own music, as it bounced between melodies I remembered from various songs, I managed to dig several graves. Since I didn’t have to go visit Ben, I figured I could go get drunk now and fill them with their bodies. Ben followed me as I entered the barracks, though his massive body got stuck outside the door, barely able to squeeze his head in. I ignored his whining, grabbed my booze and chugged. I took a brief moment to consider how ridiculous my life had become before it was swept away in the buzz. 

Nudging Ben’s head back out the door, I went back to my gravesite. He’d knocked some of the markers over and smudged the writing, which sent a wave of frustration through me. I tried to shake it off, I could probably still fix this, I just had to finish it first. I’d already dragged most of the more… intact bodies into their new homes, and was left with a lot of scattered gore that barely resembled the men it once belonged to.

I got to work sorting it all into vaguely humanoid piles before getting ready to put it in the graves. This work was getting easier now, booze or not. I shouldn’t have ever had to get used to this. However my work would soon be interrupted by Ben again, as he picked up some of the gore in his hand. I watched him nervously. Was he going to help me? The thought warmed my heart… which soon broke after he began to put some of it in his mouth.

“BEN! NO! NO NO NO NO! PUT IT DOWN!” I shouted at him, running over as fast as I could to grab the piece of meat he was eating. He growled at me, getting into a lower stance, but I wasn’t afraid of him anymore. 

“WE DON’T EAT PEOPLE! THOSE ARE MY FRIENDS, BENJAMIN!” 

I frantically thought of what to do, seeing as I wasn’t strong enough to pull the meat out of his jaws. But… maybe I didn’t have to be. On a hunch I began singing to him again, letting myself go still with my hands still on the flesh. Ben began to relax in turn, opening his jaw enough for me to yank the gore out of his mouth. He went to snap it up again, but I stood in front of him, grabbing his hair and holding his head, the alcohol lending me a stupid amount of courage.

“We don’t eat people.” I repeated. “Don’t do that please. They’re my friends, I need to bury them. Just cause you’re a monster… doesn’t mean you have to act like it you… you… rotisserie chicken… motherfucker. Hehe…”

The alcohol was also lending me a stupid amount of brain fog, making my thoughts less than coherent. I was dwelling on how weird the my whole damn life was now. Like a monster movie, though in what horror does a man care so deeply for a monster? More like a really shitty comedy. 

A sudden wave of guilt hit me in the gut. Did Joy Mutants need to eat? If so, that meant Ben has been going hungry for weeks. Muttering a long apology I ran back to the barracks, rummaging around for some rations. I sped back out before Ben even had the chance to follow me, and unwrapped one of the rations for him.

“Here, oh Ben I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, you can have this instead.” I offered, holding the rations up to his head. His mouth opened quicker than I thought it would, for a moment I could see a row of sharp teeth and large tongue before he snapped his jaw shut. I yelled and withdrew my hand, though it was a second away from being bitten clean off. I watched as he paused for a moment, and then opened his mouth again. The rations were sitting on his tongue, which he dragged his teeth along to scrape off. I watched as the food fell to the ground with a pathetic shlap . 

I stared miserably at the damp pile of rations. This was all just stupid! This was a stupid situation in the middle of my stupid life, and now I had to go feed my best friend the organs of my other friends. This really was just the worst! Still, I trudged my way over to the pile of scattered gore, pulled out a couple random chunks, and returned to Ben. The feeling of flesh against my bare arms brought me right back to the dream again. Fighting those thoughts  I made it back and dumped the lot of it at Ben’s feet, gesturing at it. He hesitated for a moment, as though unsure about whether or not I’d pull it away again, before he leaned his head in and started to eat. I turned away quickly, but heard the noises even as I plugged my ears. It was always the noises that got me. I was growing a collection of traumatizing sounds in my brain that played at random. What was one more?

Soon enough he finished his meal and I turned back to him. His hair was flecked with bits of blood and gristle, and I could see his mouth underneath it, his teeth stained pink. He almost looked to be grinning, the sight of it sent a shiver down my spine. Joy Mutants probably didn’t need to eat considering there were some that simply laid in one place and didn’t bother anyone who got near them, but Ben seemed to enjoy this. I figured I should probably give him some meat once in awhile, wherever the hell I would find that. Everything was just building on top of each other, this situation developed new shittier layers every day. And yet… I couldn’t leave. Without even asking myself the question I knew the answer. Did it even matter why I stayed? I just… couldn’t leave. I couldn’t leave him. 

We watched each other for a moment. Ben slowly walked forwards and nudged me with his head, smearing my poncho with more blood. I sighed and began humming again. This was my life now. I just had to accept it.

I finally buried all the bodies, working long into the night to do so. I knew that if I kept them above ground I would just keep feeding bits of them to Ben. I kept choosing him over the army that saved me, that’s the reason why I wasn’t lying here dead alongside them. Maybe I should be. Maybe it would be better if I was.

—

The trumpet woke me up one day. My nights had been mercifully free of dreams, but that may have been because I was no longer alone. I had started sleeping against Ben, the feeling of safety and comfort he gave me scared away the nightmares. It helped that he was always warm and made for a very excellent pillow. 

I was pulled from slumber that day not by the usual cawing crows or distant gunshots, but by music. This wasn’t new, the trumpet had been around for years, blaring out across the wastes in random places, another unexplained quirk of Olathe. It was a fact of life for us, though I hadn’t heard it in awhile. Hearing its song, I realized I missed it. It was so nice to have any kind of music to listen to. The song came as a pleasant surprise, and I sat in silence for several minutes, just taking in the melody. Even Ben joined me in listening. 

“It’s a pretty piece, isn’t it Ben? I wonder who plays the instrument, if it even is a human. It’s such a lovely sound.”

I looked up at him and smiled, but he gave no response. He stared out at the horizon, at first he seemed unmoving, but his breathing was picking up. His chest startled to heave so quickly that the force of it jostled me around.

“Ben, calm down. It’s alright, it’s just the trumpet. You remember the trumpet, don’t you?”

The music picked up pace, growing louder and quicker, which only further upset Ben. He began snarling, curling his fingers into the dirt. I caught glimpses of bared fangs and that piercing eye under his hair as he writhed around. All the safety that I felt around him evaporated instantly. I was transported back to my old house, watching powerlessly as my leg was torn off, seeing it clenched in the jaw of the mutant who was once my boyfriend. The rage, the ferocity, it was the same, Ben was a monster, he was going to hurt me again. I had to run, I had to run far away. But I was frozen again, just like I was then. I just couldn’t run. I couldn’t leave him.

Fortunately I didn’t have to. The music slowed back down to a slower, softer tune, and Ben settled down with it. I was too nervous to start leaning against him again, so I just sat there, watching the direction the music had come from just as intently as he was. What… was that? The trumpet had been around for years, but I’d never seen it do that to a mutant before. Then again, I had never spent this much time around a mutant. Maybe no one has, maybe I’m the only one. 

The music continued through the day. Even as I got up to check on the graves, it followed me. Ben did not, he stayed where he was, still transfixed. The melody felt like it was taunting me, it carried some unexplainable aura of smug satisfaction. I holed up in the barracks out of fear it’s cry would send Ben after me, and didn’t sleep until it finally stopped playing. I didn’t want it to follow me into my already troubled dreams.

—

Scars are something I get used to easily. I can barely even remember having both my legs anymore, it’s been years since I started using my peg leg. After awhile it became part of my life, the scars his claws left in me were hidden under my poncho to heal over and be forgotten. 

Maybe that’s why it took me so long to notice that Ben’s skin was scarring again. It seemed to be healing, I figured that Joy Mutants healed their wounds quickly, or else there would be a lot more mutants with mortal wounds and loose organs. Ben seemed to have healed his, at least in the beginning. Those slash wounds from the machete that tore into him had receded, had stopped bleeding. They looked healed, but the harsh sun of Olathe revealed a different story. The scars had been stretched and twisted along his body, and the sun was starting to reveal them again. 

I had noticed he’d start to grumble whenever I leaned against him for too long, as though he was made uncomfortable by the contact. But soon enough his skin was painted with strokes of red, the burnt scars making a web across his body. He seemed increasingly miserable as the days went by, crying often with my singing having less and less of an effect. So I made up my mind to go and search for some sunscreen or moisturizer or anything to help him. I just had to hope he’d be fine on his own.

Journeying out of my little base was strange. It had been so long since I really left, only travelling very rarely to the local town for a booze run. I wandered through the wastes, looking around at the scenery. It was quiet, the trumpet was playing very distantly, and no one seemed to be in the surrounding area. No one alive, at least. Maybe I could bury these bodies too if I was looking for things to keep busy with later. 

I passed the imposing structure that was The List, its bloody names looking down on me like I was an insect. Rando wasn’t there as he was a special case. That army… was something special. We were really going to save the world, we really thought we could help, we could bring order. Look how that turned out! This world hates order, it destroys it at every chance. It looked to be destroying these warlords too. Far more names were crossed out than I’d ever seen, struck through with a bloody sword slash. My mind wondered for a moment if he was behind this. Not content at destroying the Rando Army and killing poor Ben, he wanted to take down all of Olathe. That was just like Buzzo though, wasn’t it? That monster of a man. I tried to forcibly keep my mind off of him. My eyes remained pressed to the ground and I walked out of the area as quickly as possible.

I scavenged around the area for bottles of sunscreen or lotion, anything that would help him. It wasn’t much, but I gathered what I could before heading back home. I stalled in front of The List, actually taking in the surroundings instead of rushing through. A battle had broken out here, maybe more than one. Bodies littered the area, in various states of decay. I realized that Ben might heal better with some “food” the same way jerky helped us humans with our injuries. Repressing my disgust, I grabbed some miscellaneous parts that had been largely detached from their bodies and carried them with me. Before I got home though, I found another surprise. There was a mutant around the outskirts of the list that I’d somehow missed on my way out. It’s rounded form, tucked in limbs, and squished face reminded me of my neighbour’s cat.

“Hello,” I greeted it with a wave, “I’m just passing through. 

It gave a wheezing purr in response, which only made the resemblance stronger. I was surprised to find how little I was scared by the creature. Sure, it looked to be one of the sedentary mutants, but even those used to terrify me. Now here I was, talking to it like it was a lazy house cat. All this time around Ben… I guess I saw mutants differently now. They weren’t all bloodthirsty monsters, they were men who’d succumbed to trauma and addiction and the horrors of the world around them. They could be befriended. I tossed the mutant a bit of viscera for it to snack on, and waved to it again as I left, listening to its purr as it faded in the distance.

I stood over a battered motorcycle helmet I had scavenged off of an old comrade, pouring as much sunscreen, aloe and skincare products as I could into it, mixing the concoction around with my hands. There was less of it than I’d hoped, seems some men were smart enough to protect themselves against the elements. I figured most of them would forsake such things in favour of booze and weaponry. Still, what I’d gathered was better than nothing. I’d just have to use it sparingly. 

I walked up to Ben slowly, helmet in tow, humming as I approached to calm him down. He was lying in the nearby sun, writhing and grumbling quietly. He perked up as I drew near, before calming down again at the humming. He slowly moved his head towards me, nudging me with it and purring again. He was… happy to see me. The thought warmed my heart, but I couldn’t allow myself to get distracted. I gave him a pat before weaving around the head, making my way to his side. I dipped my hands into the helmet, before pressing them against the scar as lightly as possible. Ben instantly started writhing and growling, every inch that I moved my hands across his burnt skin made me wince. I started singing louder in an attempt to calm him down, which had limited effect. I only barely treated the wounds on his side before I was hit from behind, smacked onto the ground by a swing from his massive hand. I lay there for a moment, contemplating whether or not it was even worth it to get up and try again. Why I was even trying so hard in the first place. Was it even worth asking that question again? I already knew the answer. I’d already resigned myself to this fate. I slowly staggered up to my feet, dipping my hands into the helmet again before going back to work. I was able to cover a bit more skin before the hand came at me again, but this time I was ready. I leapt back away from it, whirling around on my peg, barely able to keep my balance. Ben screamed at me, the sound piercing through my body like the machete pierced him, forcing me to feel his pain. Yet I held my ground, I wouldn’t let him frighten me.

“I know Ben! I know! I know it stings, and trust me, if I didn’t have to do this I wouldn’t!” I yelled back at him, going back to the helmet to get a fresh coating of ointment on my hands. 

“It’s not like I want to hurt you! Why would I be here after all this time if I wanted to hurt you!?” I continued, pressing my hands back onto the wounds, dodging any swipes from his hands as I kept working.

“You told me that all your life people hurt you. Your bullies, your uncle, the people who joined you only to leave you behind. If I can be the one person in your life who doesn’t hurt you, then that’s what I’m going to do! So please! I just want to help! Just please let me do this for you!”

I took a moment to catch my breath after my passionate yelling, and noticed that Ben had settled down. He was watching me with his head tilted to the side. I sighed, rubbing a hand down my face.

“I’m sorry for yelling, Ben. I just… I’m trying. I’m trying to do what I can to help. It’s hard like this, the way you are, but I’m trying. I just… need you to work with me.”  

Ben slowly stretched his neck out, studying me for a moment before gently nudging me with his head. I spent a few moments patting him before moving back to his body, plunging my hands back into the helmet and continuing my treatment. He continuously grumbled and growled in discomfort, but he remained mostly still, and didn’t try to swipe me again. He… perhaps he somehow understood what I meant. The thought gave me some comfort, a reminder that he was still human in there somewhere, that we could have some sort of meaningful relationship, strange and twisted as it had become. 

—

With the army graveyard completed, I was now free to travel the surrounding area and still have time with Ben. I’d even started to bury the nearby bodies, since I was already on a roll. However, any further attempts to find more lotion were fruitless, and Ben’s scarring was getting irritated again. It was during these expeditions that I started hatching a plan. If he couldn’t fit into the buildings, I could construct a little canopy to keep the beating sun off his wounds. Many trips were spent gathering fabric, rope, poles and sticks, whatever I thought I’d need for this project.

It was after returning home from one of these trips that I found a gift. It was a small box, wrapped in paper and tied with twine. As unassuming as it looked, it’s presence sent a wave of panic through me. Who was even aware there was somebody out here? I took a breath to calm myself, grabbing the gift. Perhaps it was those two travellers, giving me a gift to pay back my kindness. That would be sweet, maybe this wasn’t so bad after all. There was only one way to find out, and that was by reading the note which had been tucked under the twine. I slipped it free and read the following:

Dear Peg Leg,

It’s completely batshit that you’re still here taking care of this mutant. I thought he would’ve killed you, but I guess not. You’re fucking nuts, but at the same time… I get it. I probably get it better than anyone else. If you feel that strongly about someone, there’s nothing you wouldn’t do for him. That’s how you feel, right? No matter who’s gotta hurt, whether that’s you, him, or anyone else. You’re trapped, you can’t leave, but you’ve accepted that, cause it doesn’t matter anymore. That’s what love does to you Peg Leg. That’s what it did to me. It’s funny… he even looks like her. 

You’re travelling down the same path as me. This is just another step further.

Enjoy.

-B

The air caught in my lungs as I read it. It was true, it was all true, that was exactly how I felt, and it was terrifying to see it written out like this. Worse still if that initial belonged to who I thought it did. What a nightmare it would be to end up like him.

My curiosity overwhelmed my dread and I ended up opening the box. My heart sank as I confirmed it’s contents. It was Joy, about a dozen bright blue pills shining in the sun. Surely I should just destroy them again, as I’d destroyed any Joy the Rando soldiers had on them. Yet… my body wouldn’t move. My brain was yelling that this was what he wanted, that I’d come so far, that I couldn’t keep them, but I just couldn’t respond. Not until a thought emerged from deeper in my mind.

‘It’s okay to be a bad person.’

That’s what she told me. Something was telling me to hold onto these. Joy was valuable after all. What if I were to run out of supplies, I couldn’t forage anything, and I had no mags to buy more? I needed them as a backup. Sure, it hurt to think I could be feeding someone’s addiction, but I had to take care of Ben. There was no other option.

With a resigned sigh I slipped the present into my bag, before taking the note and tearing it up. I didn’t want to think about it. Whether or not I was like him. The lengths I would go to for Ben. Where this path I was supposedly walking down led. I just had to keep moving forward, and whatever happened… I guess I’d leave it to fate.

—

I’d never been much of an architect, but the canopy wasn’t too difficult. It was a simple structure, just four poles with a long piece of fabric stretched between them. Most of my time had been spent constructing the poles out of every long piece of wood and metal i could find, and sewing together all the found fabric intro a strange quilt of old carpets and spare outfits found in the bunkers. Ben watched me as I worked, fortunately staying still and not destroying anything. Finally I had the thing assembled on the ground. I dug holes to place the poles in, and using all of my strength I lifted it upright. I looked back and forth between it and Ben, and was relieved to see it was taller that he was. This relief immediately turned to annoyance when I saw one corner of the quilt flapping in the breeze. I’d forgotten to attach it to its respective pole, and I didn’t want to push it over again. So I made my way over to the corner and wrapped my hands around the pole.

“God, I wish I’d found a ladder.” I grumbled to myself, before wrapping my legs around the pole and scaling upwards. I tried my hardest to avoid splinters and jagged metal, only somewhat succeeding. Finally though, I was at the top. Now I just had to grab the corner. It was a long reach, but if I just maneuvered myself properly I knew I could grab it. It was a very precarious position I put myself in, my body hanging off the ground, but it was okay. I was almost there. Just a little closer and-

My hand slipped. I reached too far and couldn’t hold on. It was the only thing grabbing onto the pole, and as it lost its grip I plummeted towards the earth. I stared uselessly at the ground, my life flashing before my eyes put into focus just how fucked up it truly was. I didn’t know whether I would break something or simply die, but there wasn’t much I could do, so I waited for the ground to come meet me.

It never came. My collision was with skin, not earth. A large hand had caught me in its palm, and I saw Ben watching me. He’d saved my life. Tears I didn’t know I was crying spilt down my cheeks as I lay in his hand, overwhelmed with emotion.

“You… you saved me. Ben, you saved me! Thank you! Oh Ben, thank you!”

Ben did not respond, he was just… watching. I didn’t notice, so caught up in my own feelings. I also didn’t notice that his fingers began to curl around me, not until they were pressing against my body.

“Ben…? Urk- Ben that’s a little tight.” 

The fingers kept on closing, digging into me in a very uncomfortable manner.

“Ben that’s too tight let go of me!” I yelled at him. It took him a few moments to respond, the hand paused in its position, before he opened his hand and let go of me. I sighed, taking in a deep breath. He probably still didn’t know his own strength. But that didn’t matter. He saved me! I got off his hand and rushed over to give him a hug, wrapping my arms awkwardly around the front of his torso. He placed his head on top of mine in return, and we enjoyed a very strange embrace. A mutant had saved my life instead of ending it. I never would’ve thought it possible, but the fact that it was made me overjoyed. Made me feel safe. It was then… that I heard him speak.

“Addie.”

I froze. He could speak. Not only that, but he’d said that before, hadn’t he? I vaguely remembered that, but this time there was no denying it. I moved away from him and stared with bewilderment.

“What did you say?”

Ben was quiet for a moment, tapping his fingers on the ground. He craned his neck to look closer at me, and once again I could see the blue of his eye hidden beneath his hair. He drew back, nodded once and said,

“Shrink.”

That was the nickname he always used to call me. He loved making up strange names for everyone, I was shocked he remembered mine. It wasn’t my favorite name but I was delighted that he could speak and connect to that human part of himself.

“Yeah, that’s me, that’s what you called me.”

He nodded again.

“Shrink Shrink Shrink Shrink Shrink!” he chanted, patting me on the head with his hand. I found myself laughing, and was surprised by the noise. When was the last time I laughed…? I had nearly forgotten the sound of it. How nice it was to hear it again!

I stepped back, dusted off my poncho and gave Ben a grin.

“Alright, now Ben. Could you lift me up so I can finish this canopy?”

—

Time often passed without consequence. Visitors never came, and even the distant sounds of fighting soon grew silent. That was alright, I found I didn’t need other people, Ben was good enough company. He didn’t talk much, and when he did he usually spoke in single word sentences, but I still spoke to him often, and my heart soared every time he spoke back. He began to use the canopy after he realized it made his skin feel better, and I could see the improvement. I’d found a well to replenish my water supplies, made semi-successful attempts at hunting, and even started to bury the bodies that surrounded our little base. Our home. It was really starting to feel that way. Even if things would never be the same, it was fine. I was making do. Everything was good.

Then some visitors finally showed up.

I spotted them in the distance while I lay against Ben. He was sleeping, if mutants sleep, or else just lying still. I quickly got up, careful not to disturb him, and made my way over to the figures. My stomach knotted more and more the closer I got. There were four men, all of them strong looking, adorned with leather armour and decorated with bones. The kinds of men who would kill you at a glance, to hide that they were just as scared as the rest of us. I stood for a moment, thinking of what the hell I should even do, when the largest figure waved a hand at me, calling me over. Not wanting to upset them, I did as they asked. Getting a closer look at the men didn’t help my anxiety. They had armour that I didn’t think was possible anymore. They were each loaded with a wide assortment of weapons. I could more clearly see the bones they threaded into the armour and the skulls they used as helmets. One had a crow skull, one had a dog skull, one had a deer skull, and the largest one, who I guessed was the leader, wore a twisted humanoid skull. It almost looked like… the skull of a mutant.

“Hello gentlemen.” I responded, trying hard to hide the panic in my voice.

“Hello sir.” The leader responded, giving me a nod. “If you don’t mind me asking, why’re you dressed in the colours of the Rando Army? I thought they were slaughtered, that this place was abandoned.”

I winced, before continuing.

“They are dead, yes. But I wasn’t there for the event which killed them, so I’m alive.” I explained.

“Good job.” said Crow Skull before Mutant Skull elbowed him and kept talking.

“Do you live here? Actually that seems obvious to me. Nothing but open water from the direction you came.”

I sighed, and then nodded slowly.

“Poor thing. I’m real sorry for your loss. It must be really hard making out here by yourself, fearing for your life.” Mutant Skull lamented.

“Well I-“

“Fortunately, my boys and I, we’ve got a deal for you. You see, we offer… protection. This world is a terrifying place, and monsters roam its surface.” I could see him looking at my peg leg. “Surely you could benefit from finally feeling safe? Of course, it’s hard to slay these beasts. If you have any resources from the Army that you’d be willing to share, we could work out a deal.”

I grit my teeth and shook my head in response.

“I only have enough for myself. I’m sorry, I wouldn’t be able to spare you anything.”

The other three looked at one another as though doubting me, but the leader just nodded. “Alright, last thing we wanna do is take all your supplies. You seem like a smart guy, perhaps you could perform a service for us instead?” He must have seen me wince, because he quickly added on.

“It’s alright, we wouldn’t make you do anything nasty, we’re not like that at all. We just want to help.”

“That’s… nice and all. I really appreciate the offer… but there’s no mutants around here,” I lied, “so you would be better off going to someone else.”

I silently prayed that Ben would stay still, that they wouldn’t spot him, and for a moment, nothing happened. The men looked at one another and began whispering about the best course of action. However, Deer Skull fell silent, staring off into the distance, before patting Mutant Skull on the shoulder. The group of them all stared in the same direction, and when I turned to look behind me, my heart sank. Ben was standing up now, looking around as though confused. Perhaps he was looking for me, he didn’t seem to notice where I’d gone. But the men all noticed him.

“Ah, are you sure about that?” Mutant Skull asked, smiling beneath his helm. “It seems you have a visitor. Don’t worry, we’ll take care of it for you right away.”

I was beginning to panic, I could hear my heart beating in my ears again.

“Wait. Stop. Don’t hurt him please. I’m fine, I’m okay really I don’t need you to do anything.” I begged.

Mutant Skull raised an eyebrow.

“Listen, I’m sure you’re worried about payment, but I promise you we’re not unreasonable. Let’s discuss this afterwards. Come on boys, we have a beast to-“

“Stop!”

The knife was in my hands before my brain could catch up, extended at the men. It was a tiny, pathetic thing, but it was all I had. The men all stared beneath their skulls, with looks of confusion, disbelief, and rage.

“Please, please he’s my friend. Just leave us alone, I’m begging you. I don’t want you to kill him. Just leave this place, go somewhere else.”

The three underlings all laughed, but the leader stared at me with a frown. When he spoke, his voice was soft and slow.

“Listen. You’ve been through a lot. The army getting slaughtered must have been a lot for you. I promise it’s going to be okay, we know what we’re doing. Put the knife down.”

“N-no!” I yelled back, arms shaking. “I won’t let you hurt him, please! I don’t want you to kill him! Just leave!”

Mutant Skull sighed, giving me a look of pity and disappointment.

“You seem to have lost your mind, so you probably won’t understand this. It’s not about getting things in return. That just keeps us alive. This is our quest. These are monsters and we’ve taken it upon ourselves to kill them. We are heroes . Look, don’t worry buddy. This one’s on the house.” The others murmured in response, but he quieted them with a wave.

“Even if you’ve gone mad and are threatening us, we’re going to protect you anyways. That’s what heroes do. Drop the knife.”

I shook my head again, but I couldn’t bring myself to attack. He walked up to me, grabbed my wrists, and pulled my hand open, taking the knife and throwing it to the side.

“Come on boys, we’ve got a monster to kill.”

He started to turn towards Ben, him and his men all grabbing their gear. My mind racing, I grabbed his shoulder in a final attempt to stop him, and he whirled around and shoved me hard. As I fell to the ground, he stared down at me with a look of anger.

“Stop wasting my time. You don’t know what’s good for you anymore. You’re crazy to think a mutant’s your friend. We’re doing you a favour, and we can discuss your payment afterwards.” He growled at me, before turning to Crow Skull. “You, make sure he doesn’t try any shit, okay? Three should be enough.”

The other three men began laying out a plan of attack while Crow Skull leered silently at me. I lay on the ground, feeling terrified and defeated. Were these men right? Had I gone completely mad? I dwelled on that for a moment before casting it aside. I could think about that later, right now Ben was in danger. I had to do something, but what? I was so weak and frail and pathetic. How the hell was I supposed to face these men? To do that… a thought suddenly struck me, a terrible thought. The Joy. It was still in my bag. I knew what it did, it gave men such strength, such determination. I knew that if I did this there was no turning back. This would go against the values I held for years. The words of the note echoed in my brain:

“If you feel that strongly about someone, there’s nothing you wouldn’t do for him.”

He was right. He was completely right. Ben was all I had left, it didn’t matter what became of me, I had to do this. Making my movements as slow and subtle as possible, I reached into my bag and grabbed a pill. I lay there with a trembling hand against my mouth, the pill resting on my grit teeth. No going back. Before I could change my mind, I opened my mouth and shoved the pill inside. I used to wonder what it tasted like, I assumed it would be like any other pill, some kind of familiar medicinal taste. Fittingly it tasted bitter at first, and then like nothing, smooth and cold despite being in a hot bag for days on end. It was like swallowing a marble. I lay powerless as it crawled its way down my throat and settled in my stomach.

For a moment I lay perfectly still and let myself feel the effects of Joy. A refreshing coolness quickly swept through my body, like when your limb wakes up after falling asleep. I couldn’t feel the aching from being shoved to the ground. All the pain had vanished. Not just physical, but mental, regret and fear and panic all fading into nothingness. Like a blade my mind was honed to a sharp point, a single thought echoing over and over.

‘I have to protect him. I have to protect him. I have to protect him.’

I swung my peg leg outward, catching Crow Skull’s legs and knocking him over. I got up quickly and dug the peg into his stomach, leaning over him. I saw it all happen but felt detached, like a passenger in my own body. He shouted out before I shoved my leg down, knocking the air out of him. There was a couple faint stings in my back as I leaned more weight onto him, it felt like an insect bite before the sensation faded into nothingness. I heard yelling behind me, turning to see Mutant Skull running with an axe in hand. With shocking grace I moved out of the way and caught the handle into my hand, entering a power struggle far more evenly matched that it would’ve been sober. This strength… this unbelievable power. It was like nothing I’d ever felt. I watched my first connect with the man’s chin, allowing me to take his weapon. I kept it held tight in one hand, while the other hand grabbed my braid and tied it around his neck. With it choking him, and the blade of the axe held against his stomach, I turned to the other three, who watched me anxiously with weapons drawn.

“I told you to leave. Take all your things, leave us alone, and never come back here.” I paused for a moment. Or what? Suddenly, the answer which I’d avoided earlier became clear.

“Or else… I’ll kill you. I’ll fucking kill all of you, if that’s what it takes. Get out of my home.”

The three underlings stared at one another before slowly lowering their weapons. A flash of relief burst through the numbness as I watched them. This was working! They weren’t going to hurt us. That emotion just made me let my guard down, and I wasn’t able to react when Mutant Skull leaned his head forward and then slammed it backwards into mine. I heard the crunch of my nose breaking, but didn’t feel anything for more than a second. Despite this, the force of the blow still knocked me back, and Mutant Skull took advantage of this by slamming his fist hard into my stomach. My peg leg slipped on the earth and I fell onto my back again, staring up at the sky. It seemed to churn for just a moment, as if boiling over, before my gaze was caught by Mutant Skull resting his boot against my neck.

“I knew it.” he hissed, voice dripping with venom, having lost all politeness. “Fucking crazy ass junky. You’re going to lie right here and you’re going to watch us kill your precious friend, and then we’re going to take everything you have, and maybe, just maybe, I won’t feed you your own hair if you plead for your life. Start thinking up some good begging. Let’s go b-“

Mutant Skull was interrupted by a massive figure barreling towards him. Ben was charging faster than I’d ever seen him move, and faster than Mutant Skull could react. Within seconds Ben was on top of the man, grabbing him in one hand and darting his head towards him with jaw opened wide. The hair hanging off Ben’s head curtained off the scene, but when the hand swung back, Mutant Skull’s body was missing its head. Ben spat it out a moment later, and it rolled to a stop in front of his men. I couldn’t feel afraid, or disgusted, or even relieved. I simply watched, feeling nothing at this grisly murder. Ben towered over me, letting out an ear piercing screech, bits of blood and viscera flying out from beneath his hair. The three men were frozen in fear for a moment, before they took one last look at the severed head of their leader, and ran away screaming and crying.

Then… there was silence. I stood there staring at the head, my brain suspended in the unfeeling numbness. Ben snapped me out of it, rumbling and nudging me affectionately with his head. I tried to give him a pat, but my arm wouldn’t move properly, like something was jamming it, I reached my other hand behind me, and fumbling along my back I found four throwing knives embedded into me, each about the size of my fist. I could feel the pain of them emerging as the Joy started wearing off, mortal panic lying just beneath the surface as I brought my hand back covered in blood.

“It’s alright.” I said, talking to both Ben and myself. “There are bandages back at base, and it’s not too far. I just need to g-“

I was interrupted when Ben moved his neck behind me. For a moment I wondered what he was doing, before I felt the first blade being pulled out. The pain of it cut through the fading joy, and I gasped.

“Ben, wa-“

I didn’t have enough time to speak before he tore out another, and then another, and then another. The knives clattered to the ground, soaked in blood. Now I definitely wasn’t going to make it. Now I was just going to bleed out on the earth. Everything I’d done for Ben, and he’d doomed me. He stared at me expectantly, before nudging my bag. That was right, I still had the Joy. It got rid of the pain before. I could feel guilt and fear and anxiety at taking yet another pill, but this was a matter of life and death. Before the blood loss could cause me to pass out, I reached into my bag and grabbed another pill, shoving it into my mouth. I stood perfectly still, feeling as the numbness overtook me again, the pain in my back vanishing. I slowly reached a hand back only to find that my wounds were closing, I could feel as the skin knit itself together. For a moment I spaced out, staring at the puddle of blood I spilt all over the earth. Then Ben caught my eyes, looking down at me. I could see under his hair… he was grinning. I felt something stir, beneath the numbness. Something unexplainable. I turned away from it, pat Ben on the shoulder, and the two of us began the trek back home.

—

I tried so hard to resist it. Once the Joy wore off, the feelings of regret hit me like a truck. I’d gone and given in, the Joy had won its battle against me, and now I was it's prisoner. A crazy ass junkie. But it wasn’t over yet, it hadn’t won the war. I’d taken the Joy out of desperation, because I had to. But now I was safe, there shouldn’t be a reason to take any again. I could hold out. 

This was all hubris of course. I was a fool for thinking myself better than any of the men who’d succumbed to it before. That I was better than the men I loved. Perhaps… this was inevitable, the fate of all men still living in Olathe.

But still I tried. The withdrawal was harsh but I resisted it. Even when it made me feel weak and powerless and miserable. I could almost hear the Joy beckon me, as if it had a voice. When I tried to destroy the pills the voice pleaded with me, telling me I needed it, that I’d regret it. What if those men came back? What if Ben was in danger? The thought of it gripped my heart and stilled my hands, so I simply threw the bag into a corner of the barracks, hoping I’d forget about it. Still I ignored the voice’s call to take more, to lose myself in addiction. I kept myself busy with my burials and taking care of Ben. I kept fighting, and for a moment I had hope. I had managed to stay away from Joy for days. Maybe I could actually overcome it.

Of course, that was when the hallucinations began.

It started small, figures in the distance that never moved, the sky shifting and churning again when I looked at it for too long, minor things that I could ignore. Then I saw her, watching me, wearing that same sweater she wore in my dream, that she wore at our mother's funeral, as though trapped in time at the last moment we saw each other. Dana didn’t speak, and neither did I. We both watched as though any movement would cause the other to vanish. Eventually though, I broke the silence.

“Hello, Dana.” I said quietly. I knew she was just a vision, but I’d only had a mutant to talk to for so long, talking to a hallucination was nothing.

She stared for longer, and then her face contorted into a look of disgust, and she vanished. Shame at what I’d become boiled in my guts, the Joy whispering its escape, but still I held out.

She returned the next day, watching me again as I sorted through my latest haul, a new nearby battle meaning new supplies.

“Parasite.” I heard her hiss behind me. I froze for a moment before I kept working, ignoring her.

“Don’t you ignore me like you did after the funeral. You never tried to reach out, you weren’t there when I needed you! Do you even know where I was during the flash!? Maybe I was all alone, alone and terrified!” 

I kept working, ignoring the shaking in my hands.

“That’s how mom must have died. You could’ve been there, but you weren’t, coward. ”

“You left first!” I shouted, whirling around. The misery of withdrawal left my temper short, I wasn’t about to go through this again.

“You left us first! I had to take care of her and she forgot about me! I was only doing what you did first!” 

We both paused for a moment, and I was afraid that she would change as she had in my dream, become sinister again. But she merely looked… sad.

“I missed you. I thought of you when the end came. I wish our last words to one another weren’t shouted.” The regret and melancholy in her voice made my heart ache. Neither of us had anything more to say, and so she vanished, leaving me to the gnawing despair in the pit of my stomach. The Joy once again promised a way out, but once more I ignored it, steeling myself as I kept on working away.

—

The next time, it was someone different. I was digging again, though the shovel often slipped from my trembling hands. It was getting hard to do my work, even digging the grave for the gnawed remains of Mutant Skull took far longer under the effects of withdrawal. I was in the middle of digging another grave near The List, when another hallucination interrupted me. That time it was a blond man with tan skin and blue eyes. A handsome figure, and one I recognized. This was my old boyfriend, Liam. He looked like he did so many years ago, the two of us back at his house, living oblivious to the hell we would suffer. Even with his human appearance, I kept imagining what he’d become, that twisted, bloated thing, my leg held between his blood soaked jaws. I ignored the rising fear and greeted him as I had Dana.

“Liam,” I said, “Hello again.”

“Hey there Seth!” He greeted back with a wave. His cheeriness both calmed and upset me somehow.

“Been awhile, hasn’t it? You’re looking real good, I like the whole beard thing, and the poncho those army guys gave you is a look. Sucks what happened to them.” He didn’t sound like it sucked, though the army were the ones to kill him when they rescued me. I said nothing, and silence filled the air.

“So….” Liam continued. “You uh, so… what’s up with the new guy huh? I guess you found someone new huh?” He asked, his voice becoming slightly harsh.

“Yes.” I said simply, not making eye contact.

“Did I really mean that little to you?”

“It’s not that!” I snapped back at him. “I mourned you for years and years! Did you expect me to do it forever? Am I not allowed another chance at love?”

Liam scoffed, crossing his arms.

“Love? You think that guy ever loved you? He was just using you for your kindness.”

I glared at him. “And what about you then huh!? I left school and gave up on my dreams because you thought it would be good! I went to live with you in your house in this damn hellscape! You attacked me!”

“Jeez…” Liam huffed, “you’re still hung up on that huh? So what, maybe we both used you then.” My chest tightened at his words and I looked away with tears in my eyes.

“You think you’re going to save him? You didn’t get to save me, do you think anything’s changed?” Liam asked.

“He’s nice to me, I’m making progress I… I…. I don’t know. Why does this keep happening!? Why do you always have to abandon me!?”

Liam shook his head quietly with a sigh.

“Seth, if this keeps happening to you, ever think that maybe it’s your fault? That you drive people to it? Maybe people are better off without you trying to save them.”

I could feel the tears start rolling down my cheeks as I stared at the ground in silence.

“Well. Have fun with your new mutant friend. I hope you’ll at least remember me one of these days.”

And he vanished too. The Joy cried out within my skull. It would dry my tears, it would heal my pain, I wouldn’t have to feel this way. But I couldn’t. After seeing what happened to Liam, what happened to Ben… I couldn’t. So I plunged my shovel into the dirt and kept on working.

—

The next time I saw someone, I was feeding Ben a scrap of meat, gently patting him and humming his favorite song. Suddenly, I could hear clapping from behind me, and turned to see another woman. She was short and stocky, wearing a yellow blouse. She was far older than Dana, middle aged, but still held a twinkle in her eyes. It was… my mother.

“That’s lovely music there boy. I love that song, it’s the sunshine one right?” She asked me, and like usual she didn’t wait for an answer, she simply began to sing.

“You are my sunshine,

My only sunshine.

You make me happy,

When skies are grey.

You’ll never know dear,

How much I love you.

Please don’t take my sunshine away.”

Hearing her sing that again, the way she had when I was just a child, when everything felt safe and secure, I immediately burst into tears. The force of the emotion drove me to my knees, where I sobbed fitfully for a minute. 

“Come now boy. It’s alright. You get that out of your system.” She said, watching and waiting for me to collect myself. Eventually I was able to stand again, my face a flushed mess of tears.

“Mom….” 

“People are being mean to you, huh boy? Or the world’s being mean. It gets that way, when you least want it.”

I wanted so badly to hug her, but I was worried if I touched her she’d quickly vanish.

“Keep your chin up. Sometimes the world is cruel. Friends change, people hate you, your own children leave you to die.” 

Like an arrow, her words pierced my heart, destroying the happiness of her presence. When I didn’t speak, she just continued.

“Do you know how scared I was? Do you know how confused I was? How alone I was?”

For a moment I felt a deep sadness, a powerful guilt. But only for a moment, after which it all gave way to anger. A growing rage churning in my guts, born from misery and exhaustion and years of pent up feelings.

“You… you shut up! Everyone’s always blaming me for that! Everyone’s always talking about how I left! How I could’ve been there! But all of you left me! Dana left me alone with you, and then you abandoned me! Do you know how many times I had to walk home from school!? Make my own meals!? Clean the house myself!? All cause you fucking forgot about me, and were too damn stubborn to see a doctor! But I did! I had to go to a stranger because I wanted to die and you didn’t even notice or care! Everyone’s telling me how alone they are but what about me!? I don’t have anyone anymore! I’ve dedicated all my time to people who don’t fucking care about me! Who leave me! And now I’m stuck here, forced to take care of him like I took care of you! Because I’m a fucking idiot and I keep letting love get the better of me! I keep letting guilt get the better of me! Everyone keeps abandoning me because the world hates me and I’m fated to be alone, but you all have the fucking audacity to say I left you first! Just shut up! Shut up! SHUT UP! ”

My voice became a screech again, twisted inside my throat. But really, who cares? I didn’t. If anything, it was better for expressing how I really felt. 

I stared at my mother expectantly, she looked… scared. Triumph and guilt warred in my brain as I waited for her response.

“...Ah, boy. I’m not sure what I’ve done to make you so mad… maybe you should go seek some therapy. Anyways, I wanted to ask you if you’ve seen my children. Dana and… what does he go by, Maddie? He’s such a weird child. But still, he’s mine. Have you seen them?

I stared at her, and I could hear a crack inside my chest as my heart shattered. I stood perfectly still for a few seconds, and then began to laugh. Where before I enjoyed hearing my own laugh after so long, this was different. I hated this sound, loud and hysterical and unhinged. Heavy with all the feelings I’d been carrying for so long. She looked afraid again. That was fine, that was good. She wasn’t even real. I couldn’t stop laughing.

“Fine! Fine! You win! I’m sick of this, I’m sick of all of this! Leave me alone! Just leave me alone! That’s how I’m supposed to be!” I ran off, as fast as my mismatched feet could carry me, my laughter trailing behind. I dove into the barracks, snatching my bag up from the corner with shaking hands, tearing the flap off and fishing out my prize. The Joy. Who cares. Who cares about principles, or regrets, or traumas. This would make it all go away. I didn’t want to deal with this world anymore. I didn’t want to deal with my life and my head and my memories anymore. Let it all go numb. I raised the pill to the sky with a toast.

“Fuck all of this.”

Before cramming it down my throat.

—

The hallucinations didn’t bother me anymore. They vanished the moment I took more Joy and then stayed that way. The withdrawal symptoms vanished too, my hands were steady and my body was cool. I felt strong, I felt in control. I didn’t feel happy, but I felt an absence of all negative emotion, and isn’t that the same thing? My brain floated in the numbing mists of the Joy, and I often spent my days relaxing against Ben, feeling the heave of his chest as I took in the land around me, the cliffs and the buildings and the glimpses of water on the horizon. I was at peace. I don’t know how long I stayed there, still and silent, sitting with my friend. Time was a strange thing, it escaped me. My appetite was low, but I ate and drank in the brief periods of time I spent sober, in order to keep my body from collapsing. I used this time to take care of Ben too, though with the canopy in place, he didn’t need much. I was always with him, after all. Things remained the same, unchanging, for god only knows how long.

Then came the trumpet. Its strange melody drifted towards Ben and I as we sat. His head moved towards the source, and I found myself staring in that direction as well, drawn to the melody cutting through the silence. It was beautiful, truly truly beautiful. Yet it also was starting to give me a headache. The music only got louder, faster, more chaotic. Ben snarled, and my headache got worse. I could hear my pulse pounding against my skull. It sounded odd, perfectly to the beat of the trumpet’s melody. I pressed my body further into Ben, ignoring his hissing as my body tensed up. The Joy was supposed to make me feel nothing, right? Then what was this? What was happening to me? I was feeling so much, this unexplainable unstoppable wave over emotion. I wanted to cry, I wanted to scream, I wanted to attack something. The pounding in my skull was matched a pounding beneath my ribs. It felt like something was trying to force its way out from under my skin, beckoned forth by the trumpet’s call. My headache had become a splitting migraine, tearing at me, tearing at me, till nothing was left. I was suspended in this hell, in this suffering, in this rising crescendo, until it felt like I was going to rip myself apart. Then the music slowed, became calmer. Enough for me to catch my breath. It was then I saw the man, just a figure in the distance, standing atop a cliff. I couldn’t make out his face, but I knew for a fact he was watching me. The music picked up again, and then slowed, and then picked up, and then slowed. I was strapped to an emotional roller coaster, writhing uselessly as I listened to the horrid symphony.

“Stop!” I yelled at him, to no avail. If anything the music got faster.

“STOP!” I pleaded, “STOP IT PLEASE! GET OUT OF MY HEAD!”

Just like that, the song ended, and there was silence once more. Ben and I sat and got our bearings, holding on to one another as we watched the man on the cliff. With a brief, taunting series of notes, he vanished as quickly as he arrived, leading me to wonder if he was even there at all.

—

Eventually the Joy started running out. I didn’t have a plan for what I would do once it did, but after I checked the box to only find one pill, I knew I had to make one. The Joy had become routine, my entire routine. I spent my days in a haze because I couldn’t cope with this world anymore. Yet with only one pill left, soon I’d be forced to. The hallucinations… I’d see them again. I couldn’t live like that, stuck in withdrawal, being haunted by ghosts. That was too much misery for one man to take.

Maybe, I thought, I could walk into the ocean when I ran out. It seemed peaceful, to just wander into the waves, leave this world behind. Suddenly the idea seemed so foolish and so horrible. Not out of self preservation, but because… who would help Ben? He’d have no one left. I had to stay with him, I just knew it. I’d never felt stronger about anything in my entire life. I had to. I had to. I just had to. There was no other way, no matter how miserable I was. Maybe I’d go find some more, I didn’t know. Maybe I’d track Buzzo down just as Ben had before me, ask him for more, and hope I didn’t suffer the same fate.

I was leaning against Ben as I thought about this, same as I always did. It was the only place in this entire world I felt at peace. The shade, the warmth, the gentle breathing and comforting presence of my best friend. Still, these thoughts of the future unsettled me, ruined my peace. I still had one more left, I could take it now and worry about the future when it happened. I took the final pill in my hand, admiring it for a moment before popping it in my mouth. The marble rolled down my throat, and I let it flow through me. That was better, I was calm now. I stared once more at the horizon, sitting in silent stillness, before I found someone was talking. It took me a moment to realize that someone was me.

“Ben. Oh Ben. I’m sick of this world.” I told him, all emotion in my voice wrung out by the drug.

“Years ago someone did right by me, helped me with my problems, made me feel better. Feeling better is such a wonderful thing to feel. I wanted to help others, the way I’d been helped.” I turned to look at him, reaching a hand over to brush his hair aside. His eyes were beautiful. 

“Why is that so difficult, Ben? We tried, a whole army tried, and everyone got slaughtered. I don’t blame you, or Buzzo, or anyone. That’s useless. I think the world just doesn’t want to get better. Healing is long and difficult. Easier to throw yourself into chaos and cruelty.” I pat his head gently, and he rumbled, nudging my leg with his cheek.

“It’s useless. I realize that now. All my efforts were never worth anything if the world doesn’t want to change. It’s not worth helping, it’s not worth protecting. I hate this world. This fucking world. This wretched stupid fucking world.” My heart was beating faster in my chest, spurred on by my words. I stared at Ben, his eyes, his strange twisted face, his toothy jaw. Was he smiling again?

“Everyone always asks me why I stay. They can’t understand. I’ve been looking inside myself and I’ve been asking myself that question over and over, trying to find an answer. I realize now the answer doesn’t even matter. There is no answer. I don’t need a reason for everything I do. Sometimes I just want to act. Sometimes I just want to run on gut instinct. You’re lucky that way, you don’t have to think about the things you do. I’m staying with you and I don’t care why. What else is there to do in this world? This is all I’ve got left.”

“Stay?” Ben rumbled in his warped voice. I nodded, giving him a small smile.

“Yes Ben, stay. I’ll stay with you, until I die I guess. There’s nothing I’d rather do.”

He grinned, lifting his head up a little, moving it closer to mine.

“Stay! Stay! Stay! Together.” His breathing was growing heavy again, face moving forward until it was uncomfortably close, until I could smell the blood on his breath.

“Together! Together! Together!” He cried, his voice excited, ecstatic. I nodded slowly, shifting as far away from his face as I could. I didn’t notice his hand moving until it was too late, until it had grabbed me.

“Ben… what are you doing? Put me down.”

“No. Together.” He replied, grabbing the rest of my body in his other hand. I felt pressure pushing against me as the two hands slowly tightened their grip.

“Ben? Ben stop it ple-“ I was cut off as the air was squeezed from my lungs. His strength… even with the Joy I was too weak to stop it. I wiggled uselessly, silently pleading with him to let me go. All I was met with was a grin, and the grip kept tightening. Soon enough I was met with a creaking noise, the pressure in my arm increasing until I heard the noise of my shoulder dislocating, the pain of it quickly swallowed by the Joy. I heard my other shoulder snap quickly after. I was going to die here, I realized. After everything I’d done for him, Ben was going to kill me. I gave him one last pleading look as I tried to suck in air, ignoring the creaking of my rib cage about to collapse. He gently nudged my head in return, before once more whispering,

“Together.”

Then he shifted his hands, not to let me go, but to move his hand over my head. Whether from this or from passing out, my vision quickly faded.

—

I was suspended in the void. Like in my dream I was suspended in an infinite black abyss, with no way out. I heard strange cracking noises, the crunching of bones, but it faded away into silence. I couldn’t feel, I couldn’t hear, I couldn’t see. However, this was nice. This was peaceful. I felt as though I was dissolving into the void, becoming one with it. Such a pleasant feeling, to become something so vast and abstract. If this was death… I welcomed it. After all the pain and sorrow and suffering, I welcomed this release with open arms.

However, fate had other plans, and the void suddenly burst open. My body landed uselessly on the hot soil, and I realized that I couldn’t move anything. I felt nothing, but my body wouldn’t respond to my brain. It was broken, it was all broken. I couldn’t be free even in death. Surely I’d be trapped here, lying uselessly on the ground for the rest of time. I resigned myself to my fate, closing my eyes, before I heard footsteps. They weren’t heavy like Ben’s. They were light, human footsteps. Maybe the remains of that hunter gang had come to mercifully end my life. When I opened my eyes, all I saw were feet, unable to move my head upwards. The figure slowly sat down, and now I was able to see… a black tank top with a white number on it. That was strange… Ben used to wear that shirt as a human.

“Hey Shrink.” said the man, and it was Ben’s voice, human once more. I couldn’t respond to him, my jaw, my throat, none of it worked.

“You’ve been taking really good care of me huh? I never thought anyone would do that. I’m really grateful dude! You’re the nicest guy in the whole world!”

“...What?” That was my voice. My throat was working again, somehow. 

“You’ve been working so hard, I can't even tell you how much that means to me! Oh Maddie, you’re so sweet! Thank you!”

My neck could move now, and I stared upwards at his face. He looked happy, he looked overjoyed. I hadn’t seen him as a human in so long, the sight of it filled me with equal glee.

“It’s no problem. I promised you, didn’t I?”

“I remember that.” he responded, grinning from ear to ear. “You said you’d stay with me until I woke up. I’m so glad you didn’t run away. Everyone always ran away, but not you. You’re so special to me, Maddie.”

I smiled. The compliment was nice, after all this time, being able to hear that from him.

“Why’re you lying on the ground, silly? Get up and give me a hug!”  He laughed.

“I can’t. Hold on, you did this. You hurt me! Why? Why would you do this?”

Ben reached over and ruffled my hair. “Don’t be silly. This is good, you can’t even feel it, can you? So it’s not really hurting.”

“Why, Ben?” I asked again, the hurt in my voice cutting through the Joy’s numbness.

“Why? Oh, Maddie. You’ve been doing really well and I really appreciate it, but you know we can’t be together with the way you are now. But it’s okay! I fixed it, and now we can be together forever! Isn’t that exciting?”

I could feel a shiver run up my broken spine. “You… fixed it? How?”

“You’ll see!” He replied, before standing up.

“Come on, stand up Shrink. It’s no fun talking to you like that.”

“I told you, I can’t get up, you-“ I cut myself off as I felt something strange, something dripping down my chin. I instinctively moved my hand to touch it, discovering that my broken arms were now working again. When I drew my fingers back, they had blood on them. I hadn’t coughed up any blood, so I went searching for the source and discovered my lip was punctured. I moved my tongue towards my teeth to find they were… sharper, somehow?

“Ben…. what’s going on...?” I asked nervously. Ben just smiled, offering me a hand.

“Don’t worry about it.”

I nodded slowly, before trying to prop my body up now that I knew my arms were working. I shifted to my knees, grabbing Ben’s hand with my own and dragging myself upwards. He moved back and held his arms open for a hug. I took a step towards him only for my peg leg to immediately falter, sending me to one knee. It could always carry my weight before, but this time the leg itself felt weaker, though the other one felt perfectly fine. I looked up at Ben pleadingly. He giggled in response before also propping himself up on one knee and giving me a big hug, my arms around his shoulders.

“Ben?” I said, my voice trembling.

“Yes, Maddie?”

“I’m scared. I don’t know what- I don’t know what’s happening. What’s happening to me?” 

Ben stroked the back of my head in response.

“Don’t worry. It’s good. We’ll be together Maddie. Isn’t that what you want?”

It was. I didn’t even have to think about it. It was all I wanted. I could start to hear my heart beating in my ears again. Was it even beating before now?

“Yes. But, Ben. I- I don’t. I’m scared, I don’t want to do this.”

Ben leaned back and held my face, his smile radiating warmth and happiness, before he kissed my cheek.

“It’s okay, don’t be afraid. This is good. This is wonderful. Enjoy it.”

“It’s… g… gh-!“ my words were cut short as my stomach dropped, hot liquid rushing up my throat as I vomited onto the ground behind Ben. My mouth tasted like iron and the stain it made was deep red.

“This isn’t….” I placed my head on his shoulder, my whole body trembling.

“Ben this isn’t good. Ben, I don’t want this. I don’t want this, make it stop, please!”

Ben just giggled, patting the back of my head, his grip tight against my back.

I could see my arms behind Ben’s shoulder. My hand… kept turning, little by little. Out of my control. Soon it had turned further than my wrist would allow, but my wrist simply turned with it. I watched as it turned and stretched and turned and stretched, little by little, over and over. The movement was captivating. It took me a few moments to snap out of it, before the terror settled all over again. I could feel my skin crawling, pulsing almost, my veins a vibrant blue, pumping the Joy throughout my body as it finally had its way with me.

“Ben. I’m. Ben I’m scared.” I whispered.

“It’s okay, you don’t have to be scared. Soon you won’t be. But until then, I promise I’ll be here. You don’t have to worry about a thing.” he assured me, hands tangling in my hair as he hugged me closer. I looked upwards, the sky was a labyrinth of twisting red organs, dancing chaotically above our heads.

“I’ll stay with you.”

—

It’s worse when it goes slowly. Then you can take it all in. Every change. I could see it all. I always have to watch these things. Even mine. I couldn’t look away. 

My body twisted. My bones snapped. They moved under my skin. One leg became strong, the other so weak. So small. The leg he took. It’s okay. He’s gone. I’m here. I won.

I screamed. I was scared. I screamed again and again. Each scream was new. Different. It changed. Got worse. 

I stopped feeling scared. Didn’t know why I would be. This wasn’t scary. This was. Interesting. The third time. It was me now. I could see it closer. Appreciate.

Ben watched too. Blue eyes. Like the dream. Beautiful. Watching me. He stayed. He was right. It’s good. It’s good. I am good. I am new. I am strong. 

I took my braid. Wrapped my face. Not from shame. World isn’t ready. World hates the good. Hates the new. Hates the strong. I hate it back. Hate seeing it. Now it’s dark. I like the dark. 

I can feel Ben. Beside me. Good. We promised. Together. Together. Together. 

Together. Together. Together. Together.

TogetherTogetherTogetherTogetherTogetherTogetherTogetherTogetherTogetherTogetherTogetherTogetherTogetherTogetherTogetherTogetherTogetherTogether

—

Two travelers walk into the old Rando Army base, their legs tired and their stomachs empty. They’re on the lookout for supplies again, and with nowhere else to turn to they’ve returned to the man who helped them once before. He reported a mutant in the area before, so they approach the buildings cautiously, hoping that the man will spot them soon.

There is no sign of the man. What they see instead shocks them. Beneath a canopy lies two mutants, one reclining on the other. The one lying on the ground is bigger, with a large chest, small legs, and malformed arms, its bones jutting out from its shoulders. The only thing that shows its former humanity is the red beanie it wears on its head, above a curtain of black hair that hides its features.

Lying against that mutant is another, this one somewhat smaller and more humanoid in shape. It’s arms are long and twisted, as is its torso. One leg has grown massive, while the other has receded, becoming almost like a stumpy tail, a bright red peg leg fused to its flesh. Though the poncho has been stretched around its chest and shoulders, it still bears the colours of the former Rando Army. It sits silently, head covered by a long braid which it has coiled around its face like a mummy’s wrappings. They both look peaceful, satisfied, and are sitting still and silent.

The travelers are frozen with fear. The man who they wished to get supplies from has mutated, he lies now with the other mutant he once tended to. There would be no supplies today.

“What… what the fuck… what do we do now?” The masked one asks, with tears glinting behind his snake visage.

“Th-that’s two mutants. Oh god. Dude we need to run right now.”

“But the supplies…”

“Forget the supplies, we’ll look somewhere else! Those are- those are two mutants! Even if they can’t see us we can’t take th-“

“Hello.”

The voice does not belong to either of the travelers. It’s a twisted voice, raspy and yet melodic in its own strange way. The braided mutant shifts its head in their direction, before reaching a malformed hand up and moving a coil of braid away from its eye. It shines a bright white, staring the travelers down.

“I-It can talk…?” The cloaked one whispers, both of them staring at the mutant in shock.

“Sometimes mutants can say words. It doesn’t matter we- we need to go- we need to go right now dude.” The masked one nervously responds.

“Friends. Come here.” the mutant requests, beckoning them over with a finger.

The travellers share a look before they turn around to start running. The mutant’s eye narrows and its long arms shoot quickly forwards, grabbing the two by their ankles and dragging them to the ground. The two yelp and struggle, but the mutants grip is tight, and like reeling in fish it brings them back. They sit now no more than five feet away from the two monstrosities, the long arms wrapping around their waists like ropes, keeping them trapped. The other mutant has woken up now, and they catch glimpses of a bright blue eye watching them from beneath its hair.

“Friends. Hello.” The braided mutant crows. A braid falls loose from around their mouth to reveal a toothy grin.

“...Hi?” The masked one responds, equally fascinated to get this close to a mutant, and absolutely terrified.

“Nice to. See you.” It says happily, leaning in closer to get a better look.

“Y-yeah...” The cloaked one responds, equally terrified. “Please let us go.”

The mutant shakes its head, the arms growing tighter.

“Do not go. Lonely here.” it gestures with its head at the mutant with the hat.

“Does not talk much.”

“You… just want a conversation?” The masked one asks. “If we talk to you will you let us go?”

The braided mutant thinks for a moment.

“Talk yes. Leave no.”

“Why not!? What the hell do you even want from us?” The cloaked one asks, voice dripping with fear.

The two mutants look at one another, and then back at the travelers. The braided mutant pulls them closer so that they sit only a few feet away. So that they can take in the horrific majesty of these two monsters. Including the fact they were both… grinning at them.

“We want you… to Stay. ”