Work Text:
As soon as Cisco’s machine was ready, they would leave.
Leave to face Crisis and Barry’s death.
Quickly Caitlin shut the thought down, burying her feelings deep inside of her, and though somewhere she felt Frost complain that it was already cramped in here, she didn’t care. Not now.
They were only moments away.
Though he didn’t say so, she could tell Barry was saying good-bye to Starlabs, wandering the halls once more, readying himself, how he was still standing, she didn’t know. With Iris nowhere in sight, Caitlin walked up behind him and as she watched him take a deep breath, steadying himself, she did the only thing she could do, she put her hand on his back, right on his spine, slowly applying some pressure, trying to give some comfort. She was here.
Barry slowly turned towards her, his eyes filling with tears, and he just snaked his arms around her and buried his head in her shoulder.
“I don’t want to die” he mumbled into the folds of her sweater. She tried to keep breathing. The thought of losing him was physically unbearable and yet she did it. Because there was no alternative. No way out. So she held him tight, the only thing left that she could do for him.
“I need you there,” he whispered so low she nearly didn’t catch it.
A nod.
“I will be.”
“We’re gonna need a car,” Cisco exclaimed, as he walked in with his newly finished machine.
“Mine’s parked downstairs,” Caitlin offered.
Barry looked at her and nodded.
“Let’s go.”
It didn’t feel right to suit up, so she just donned her usual coat over her jeans and sweater. If Frost had to fight after all, she would be able to do so in this outfit too. Barry didn’t suit up either. Although the monitor had said that the Flash must die, they all knew that Barry Allen was the one to take on that sacrifice.
In the Starlabs garage, Caitlin was walking ahead, towards her car, the tingling of her keys betraying the shaking of her hands. Just as she lifted it to open the door to the driver seat, Barry’s hand wrapped around hers.
“I’ll do it.”
She looked up into his eyes and was met by determination. She could still see the fear written there as well, but it had been there for months now, no doubt reflecting in her own. She swallowed, she couldn’t break down now, so she released her keys.
But before she got in behind him, she quickly lifted herself on her tippy toes and kissed his cheek.
One last time.
As she settled herself behind the driver’s seat, she blinked back her tears.
Not now.
Cisco was getting into the passenger seat, setting the machine on the dashboard, letting it guide them. As Barry started the car, the door on her other side swung open and Iris got in as well.
“I’m coming”, she stated.
Barry turned toward her and just nodded.
As they were slowly driving out of the Starlabs garage, Caitlin surveyed Barry’s tense shoulders, his white knuckles on the steering wheel. He would never come back. He had to drive himself to his certain death.
She wanted to scream and shout and beg and cry and do anything at all to stop his fate, but there was no use. The only thing left to do was be strong for him, see him through this. For she knew he needed her here, needed her there to be brave enough to face this. So be there she would.
She gently put her left hand on his shoulder and at the touch, he turned around and gave her a brief smile. Even now, he still comforted her as well. Her eyes landed back on her hand and she froze.
“This isn’t going to work.”
The words left her lips before she could think about them. It couldn’t be! Yet, it was exactly the same. Except…
“Iris give me your ring,” Caitlin instructed her without thinking.
“Why?” but she had already slipped it off and handed it to her. Caitlin put it on her own hand, critically surveying the rest of the car and themselves for any other trace that was different. Questions came from her friends, but only Barry’s surprised “Cait?” registered.
“I’ve seen this before,” she explained slowly, “this scene or at least part of it..." She didn't want to say more, couldn't say more. Not now. Not after all these years. But... Maybe he deserved the truth... Even if...
"Years ago," Caitlin started with a deep breath, "I got a glimpse of the future. You in the front seat of my car, me in the back, putting my hand on your shoulder, you turn and smile, just like you did before. But... but in that version… I… I was wearing the wedding ring.” She swallowed, she had tried to say this without any emotions betraying her.
She had tried.
How could this actually happen?
Why did it happen now?
So similar, yet one major detail.
Barry’s eyes were wide as he kept staring at her in the rearview mirror.
“Barry!” Cisco’s scream focused his attention back on the road, just in time to break before they hit the car in front. Swearing, he steered the car to the left and parked it on the side of the road.
“Out,” he ordered, and Caitlin knew who he meant.
While she exited the car, Iris made a motion to follow them, but Barry just told her to stay put. And for once she didn’t argue.
As soon as she had closed the door behind her, Barry grabbed her arm and lead her a little way off.
“Why did you never tell me?” he inquired in an even voice. Too even. She could see the hurt, the fear, the confusion, the anger wash over his face.
“Look, I don’t know if this will work. If it will change anything. The scene is exactly the same, except the detail with the ring. So I thought... I thought, maybe if I’m wearing it, there’s a chance… a chance it will change something. In the version I saw, we were worried, but not desperate, so maybe, maybe…” her voice trailed off. She was grasping at straws and she knew it, but if there was even an infinitesimal chance that Barry didn’t … She couldn’t even think it.
“Why did you never tell me you saw a future where we were married,” he inquired agitated, apparently not caring a bit about his impending death or the prevention thereof anymore.
“Maybe we weren’t married, maybe I was just married as well,” Caitlin offered unconvincingly.
Maybe it had been her own wedding ring, but not theirs. Maybe she was married, as well. Something she had tried to tell herself over and over again, trying to move on with her life. But every once in a while, the scene would reemerge in her memories or a dream, always making her stick around.
“You don’t even believe this yourself!” Barry groaned frustrated, his hands in his hair.
“Did you know this when Iris and I got married?”
She nodded.
“When we started dating?”
“Yes,” she whispered, her voice nearly failing her.
His eyes grew more and more desperate. “When we found the article in the time vault?”
She nodded, unable to look into his eyes.
Barry grabbed her shoulders, cursing in frustration. “Why? Why? Why did you never tell me, never mentioned anything, never…”
Caitlin sighed, she knew he was angry, but she also knew the anger wasn’t really directed at her.
“Why would I tell you? What would it have changed? You love Iris. Always have, always will.”
“I love you, too.” Barry was breathing heavily like he was surprised by his own words. But then he focused on her, and suddenly, turned all soft.
“I’ve always loved you, Caitlin.
But I loved Iris first and the byline, Earth 2, I just assumed that was my future. So I buried my feelings for you, never admitted it to anyone, not even myself. I followed the path laid out for me by the future…the only future, I thought. And now… and now you tell me you knew of a different one all this time?”
"Since the night the particle accelerator exploded”, she finally admitted, tears held back for too long, slowly rolling down her face. A vision that had come to her in the midst of her grief, barely registering at the time, but never leaving her nonetheless.
“I pushed it aside, Barry. I told myself it wasn’t real. And even if it was, it didn’t mean what I thought it meant. First because of Ronnie, then Iris.
But there were moments. Moments where I could see it, moments where I believed it, moments where I almost told you,” she was sobbing now,” but what good would it have done. Knowing the future is a curse, not a blessing.”
“I know!” Barry’s hands had moved to her face, cupping it gently, his eyes burning so intensely into hers. “But I already knew mine, I was already cursed. Knowing there was another one. A future with you…” now his own voice gave out on him, his tears now mirroring her own.
“I’m sorry Barry, I didn’t want to pressure you, I didn’t want to influence you, I didn’t want to make a claim I didn’t deserve, I didn’t want to …” she was searching for words trying to make him see why she hadn’t… why she couldn’t have told him.
“I know,” Barry admitted softly, “and that’s why I should have chosen you. Why I should have always chosen you…”
He leaned down and kissed her ever so softly, just a hint of his lips on hers.
“And now I will pay for it with my life.”