Chapter Text
"So, [Name]-san," she looked between her tablet and to you, sitting in the cushioned armchair only two metres from her, "it says here that your... brother was concerned about you and thought it might do you well to see someone, is that right?"
The amount of fury and hatred, frustration and humiliation burning inside you couldn't be measured. Biting your lip once more until it was bright red and stinging a little, you reluctantly nodded, utterly displeased and extremely uncomfortable. The room was mildly lit with the afternoon sun making the ground near you glow orange. All the decorations in the room were a lot more interesting than this woman before you, this woman who was probably counting on learning all of your secrets and why you had become like... like this.
"Right, so I see you've answered our little survey,"
Things like 'how depressed are you?' and 'how anxious are you?' were on there, you had answered the four-page survey the day before in your bedroom after you had gone to your house instead of heading to the dorms like everyone else in your class. You almost laughed at the questions presented to you, you didn't get how a single question could let you understand the insanity-inducing emotions that made you did what you did, act the way you acted. There was a comfort in your own home with your mum and your brother that you couldn't get when you were with your classmates in that building.
"Could you tell me why you've been feeling this way?"
That... was a simple question with a very not simple answer. Your eyes widened, cold hands picking at the skin around your bitten nails because you didn't even know where to start. All you knew was that you were tired, the answers in that survey were mostly eights and nines, everything was pretty high up which was a very bad thing, you guessed.
"Uh... I guess..." You felt stupid, "I uh.. hate myself.."
Everything was so dull. Everything was so annoying, everything was so tiring, you despised so many things and you didn't even have a reason for it. What could you say? You hated your life? Yeah, you could but then your older brother would just tell you that you had nothing to be hateful for.
Okay, let's just dismiss my feelings. Yes, logically, you didn't really have anything to be hateful for - you had two loving brothers (which could be up for debate) and a wonderful mum too. You were in a really good school and your classmates were pretty cool and fun to hang out with. Everything seemed fine.
Except it just wasn't.
"Okay, do you know maybe why that could be? Wait," she, this woman (or perhaps you should call her your therapist now?), stopped herself and backtracked, "how long have you been feeling this way?"
It was starting to feel like it had always been like this. You were seventeen now, in your second year of high school and almost every second you were awake, you felt so damn troubled. It was like you were drowning in your own self pity and hatred. And because you felt so helpless, those random thoughts of optimism were so easily burnt out because of how little you thought of yourself.
"I don't know..." she remained quiet so that you could think some more, you were grateful, "It feels like I've been like this for so long.. but maybe like.. the last five years? I-I'm not sure.. Its just gotten a bit more worse within the last three years, I guess?" It honestly just felt like it had stretched on your whole life.
"I..." you dragged on, everything seemed so hard. Why were you even here? It was so hard, you were so exhausted. You just wanted to go to bed. And probably not at home. Not even at the dorms, you just wanted to be alone... It was so annoying the way you felt like this and you had no idea why. It just happened, there were okay days and then there were bad days, they just happened and you were still growing used to it but then your brother, Yuuma, just had to go and call a therapist because he was concerned about you.
Now you were just annoyed and awkward for having been so careless about hiding your arms.
Of course, your older brother was so much more observant than you gave him credit for.
"I've just felt.. I've always been feeling so low and I'm so tired of everything and I hate everything and I just don't know why."
She nodded at you, Kimi-san, you recalled her name was, and her eyes were entirely focused on you, like maybe she would listen to you - really listen to you, instead of what everyone else had done.
"And have you tried to talk to someone about this?" Her tone wasn't condescending, it was good. Really good. There was nothing you hated more than someone speaking to you like you were lower than them, like they were smarter and knew more - but in that way that made you cringe in disgust and annoyance because of when it happened to you to the point that you despised it, people were always so transparent about their fake concern about you.
"I've... I mentioned it to a doctor once, just ah.. at a clinic," your mind felt so distant, "but they said um.. that- they just asked me about my diet," your head tilted, embarrassed as you recalled what happened when you had told the doctor about how dissociative you had been at the time, how it scared you and how you had been feeling so sad all the time, "yeah... they just prescribed me with some vitamin D pills and that was it.."
Even the therapist seemed to be in shock, "What? Are you serious?"
Nodding, you paused to lick your lips while your hands moved from your lap and into the pocket of your hoodie, "yeah, so I guess, because of that I thought the things I was feeling and thinking were stupid." Immediately, Kimi started shaking her head but otherwise kept quiet because it seemed like you were really opening up now. Like she knew that you knew what happened at the doctors clinic was wrong.
"I've also kind of told my friends, uh, back in junior high and they all kinda.. just laughed at me... they didn't take me seriously.." your eyes were dazed, as if recalling a distant memory, remembering that day everything felt like too much and that pressure on your chest was so suffocating that you couldn't help but to burst into tears at school.
Luckily, you had been alone when that happened.
"They said I was either being...overdramatic or just thinking about it too much.... but I didn't know anything about it other than the things I personally felt.." Your eyes strayed from Kimi's, moving to other objects around her because the direct eye contact felt weird, "and they never understood, no one did... So I played it off as a joke or I would just laugh it off.." A crooked smile fell along your lips, and it was so strange that you hated opening up to others and yet here you were, in your first session as you expressed the things you had wanted to tell at least a single soul and have them listen to you, hear you because the pain was becoming overbearing.
"Yeah..." Even Kimi couldn't really say anything, a spike of fear travelled through you,
you're so stupid.
did you really think she could help you?
when will you ever learn?
Your throat was feeling choked up, oh god, were you really going to tear up here? On the first day? The first day of therapy that you didn't even agree to go to. It was just a reluctant type of 'go with it just because,' because you were so tired and unmotivated, because you didn't really know how to make proper decisions and because Yuuma had just called up without consulting you about it beforehand.
Even your own mother didn't really know what was going on.
She, as much as you hated to admit it, was also one of the people who told you to stop worrying about it. It had gotten to the point where it was physically visible at home; your declining mental health, but she had enough on her plate than to worry about one of her 'lazy' children when she had to take care of three all together, especially after the whole situation with your dad.
"You did nothing wrong... [Name]."
Huh...?
"That doctor..." she looked as if she was in disbelief, "they were wrong, they shouldn't have done that at all."
She even started to laugh at the ridiculousness of what you had told her, "You just need a new doctor that's all, there's nothing wrong with you, you did the right thing by seeking help when you thought you needed it, when you were concerned about yourself at that time to go to a doctor." She leaned forward a little, like she was trying to really get through to you, and continued,
"Many people your age don't seek professional help for a number of reasons, it makes me glad to see that you did that," Oh... this was different...
"I assume this was a while ago though, did something else happen afterwards?"
So many things happened, but they all seemed to blend into one lump of sadness and a lack of self-worth. Deeming yourself as stupid and overthinking too much, you didn't care to seek help after that, and that was probably three or so years ago... Something like that. Because you thought of yourself with such little importance, you didn't want your mum to make the mistake of spending her money on you, to take care of something that had been called 'dramatic' or 'just overthinking.'
It scared you to make her stressed over your stupidness.
"Uh.."
"It says here, that your brother was concerned because of your self harm... is that right?"
"Y-Yeah.." A wave of embarrassment overcame you. Fuck, you didn't think she would say it like-like that. It was just a question but the cold sweats on the back of your neck made you shiver and you felt hot, humiliated, weak, small, pathetic and the scabs on your wrists were itching for your nails to scratch at them. You took your hands from your pockets to grab your sleeves tightly, restraining yourself from doing anything stupid. It felt like you had been here for so long and you were too scared to just look at your phone that was resting on the armrest to see the time. You were scheduled for an hour, just as every session after this would be, probably.
"And where do you hurt yourself?" Her eyes never strayed from you, only looking down to the tablet in her lap for a few seconds to come back up and look at you, giving you her full attention, your hands messed with your sleeve when you lifted your arm a little, "My.. my wrists.. I used to do it on my thighs.. too but that was like.. four years ago, I think? But I just kind of.. do it here now."
She looked at you, looked at your arm that was covered by your sleeve, "Could I see? If that's alright with you?"
"Uh." You didn't feel the need to object, even if you were uncomfortable and dying to leave the room, leave the building to go home. You pulled up your sleeve. The chair that you were sitting on was actually really comfortable and soft but you really couldn't relax and your body was so tense, your back was starting to hurt from the way you'd been sitting with your back hunched forward as if you were going to run straight to the door as soon as she said it was time to go.
Her eyes strayed on your wrist for a few seconds before looking back into your eyes, like she had seen something completely normal - was this normal? Is this something that just happens? You pulled your sleeve back down.
"And what do you use?" She was really going at it, wasn't she? You didn't see how this was necessary but answered nonetheless, recalling the small and sharp tool that was resting idly in your bathroom cupboard, "A razor."
"Okay, and doing that.. how does that make you feel?"
An instant answer came to your head,
"Relieved."
"Like a release, a-" she stuttered a little, trying to find the right phrase so that maybe you could relate to it, "sort of like a breath of fresh air?" She was nodding in understanding, maybe she had met other people who did what you did. Sweating in your hoodie, you nodded and look towards the window when you thought about how disgusting you felt, how much you hated feeling the way you did about how you could hurt yourself so easily because of the euphoria that came soon after.
"Yeah.." Nodding, probably too fast, too eager to be acknowledged as you spoke before you could think, only pausing so that you could find a good way to say it - good? no, more appropriate? Maybe. You just hated how it sounded in your head. The way you actually liked to hurt yourself, to puncture your fragile skin so that it stung so much it wasn't overpowered by the sheer panic and loss in your chest when you were losing yourself to your depreciating thoughts.
The way you saw the deep red liquid seep out to clump together and build all along your pale skin, how it looked kind of pretty by the way it kept building and growing in volume, dripping down to your elbow and then meeting on the ground below you when you were sobbing pathetically in the shower as steaming hot water spilled onto your shivering body because of yet another panic attack.
"I.. like how it feels. I like the pain, I guess...." You had to tell her, your heart raced as you hurried to inform her, "I don't like admitting this, it sounds wrong to me.. but I like how it makes me so relieved, like I can finally breathe after hurting myself." seeing the blood makes me feel better, I don't know why, I know it's disgusting, I'm sorry, I don't know what else to do, I feel like I'm drowning and I feel so much better when I have something to distract me, the stinging and the feeling of the blood trickling down my arm is so alleviating.
"Okay, that's fine, but I have to ask.. do you want to die?"
Die?
Yes.
God. Yes.
It was so fucking easy to be persuaded by the concept of death. The thought that you could leave everything behind and become nothing but an empty body. Everything would stop if you died. Everything would be completely forgotten.
"Yes.." Her face didn't really change, maybe she knew there was something else.
Because as much as you wanted to end everything and go out with a wide smile, you were so pathetic, too scared to do that, "but I wouldn't do it... I have thoughts of that but I don't think I could ever go through with them... I don't want to really die."
Lie.
"I just... I want to see where I end up when I get through this.."
"You have faith that things will change?"
Kimi almost looked hopeful, watching you as if she was hearing everything you had said, acknowledging you and it was odd because you couldn't remember the last time this happened to you. Having someone really listened when you spoke about such private matters. Things that you had always deemed unnecessary and stupid to think about - only to have it accumulate in your mind so much over the years.
"I... I'm not too sure.. but I have a younger brother now and I want him to rely on me, I..." It was always hard to try and find the right words, to really get across what you wanted, "I want him to have the opposite upbringing that I had so that he won't be like me. So he doesn't think these things and..."
"You want him to love himself? To learn the healthy ways of going about these types of circumstances, so to be maybe, the opposite of you?"
"Yeah."
"Okay, I think that's enough for today, It was very nice meeting you and... I'll see you back same time next week?"
Eagerly standing, you nodded and exhaled deeply both grateful and relieved from the sudden statement, you could leave now. You'd excitedly leave and then go back to the dorms later but now you just wanted to go home and be alone.