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they say you only fall in love once.
izuku hears this from one of his mother’s tv shows, learns this when bakugo smiles at him and laughs his name from across the playground.
“kacchan, that’s not fair!” he whines at the blond who’s already running before he even announced they were playing tag, much less that izuku’s it.
“come and catch me if you can, nerd!” bakugo smiles brightly, all teeth and wild confidence.
izuku has been falling ever since.
they say you only fall in love once.
but not everyone falls in love at the same time.
“deku, do you think love is real?” bakugo scrunches his nose as he looks through the numerous valentine cards he received. he notes all the cursive writing describing how his arms look while in gym and scoffs before throwing it all in the garbage.
izuku watches him and answers without a beat.
“of course it’s real.” says izuku, looking directly into bakugo’s eyes. he has his hands behind his back. “don’t you think so, kacchan?”
bakugo notices, cocking his head to the side inquisitively. “did you get any?” he asks instead of answering the question and izuku reddens.
“no! i mean— no, you know nobody ever gives me any!”
“right.” bakugo chuckles. “well, we could just share the box of chocolate that girl neighbor always gives me, yeah?”
izuku nods.
“i don’t think we’re missing out on much, deku.” bakugo says matter-of-factly as he turns to go. “falling in love is for nerds.” he walks ahead, laughing as he went.
izuku lets an unopened letter join the others in the trash.
they say you only fall in love once.
but there are still others that can catch your eye.
“i’m shoto.” the boy smiles. izuku feels warmth spread across his chest, and for the first time it doesn’t hurt. so he welcomes it.
“call me izuku.” he says as he hands the boy a red plastic cup. their fingers brush in the slightest and it makes izuku shiver. “nice to meet you.”
never mind how he can feel red eyes follow his every move, how a blazing stare is burning a hole in the back of his shirt.
maybe izuku feels a sort of pride in it.
they say you only fall in love once.
but it’s not just black and white.
bakugo’s gripping him so tightly as if he wants him to break. he smells like alcohol and the lavender shampoo he’s had ever since they were kids.
“kacchan, let me go.”
“got new friends now, huh, deku?” katsuki slurs his words, leaning in too close that izuku has to plaster himself against the wall of somebody’s house. “what’s he got that i don’t?”
“w-what do you mean? this isn’t like you,“ izuku‘s voice cracks. “this isn’t about you!”
“then tell me why i feel so fuckin jealous!”
the gravity of the words blanket them in silence. they stare at each other, wide eyed.
and as if bakugo just realized what he said, his grip loosens on izuku’s arm.
“kacchan, i—” izuku starts.
but suddenly bakugo is kissing him. izuku had always thought about how first kisses should be and he knows it shouldn’t be like this. it shouldn’t taste like breaking rules, let alone like vodka.
izuku can’t. at least, not like this.
“kacchan, stop—“
“no talk,” bakugo breathes out against his lips. it’s cold and warm all at the same time. “please.”
izuku’s about to step away when bakugo holds him in arm’s length and he sees the genuine plea in the boy’s vermillion eyes.
how could he possibly say no to that?
so he obliges.
so he lets bakugo kiss him again. and again. and again.
until they share the same breath, until their bodies become entangled in a way izuku never thought they could be.
they share their first time that night.
they say you only fall in love once.
but it’s not as easy as it looks.
izuku wakes to an empty bed. bakugo’s bedroom is the same as he remembers, the framed photo of him and bakugo when they were kids still on the blond’s nightstand. something like warmth spreads across his chest.
the lower half of his body aches as he sits at the dining table across from a cooking mitsuki. she smirks at the red and purple marks that litter his neck but says nothing. izuku is grateful.
“thanks for taking care of my idiot son.” she says, frying some eggs. “he cares about you a lot, you know.”
izuku smiles into his coffee.
later, when bakugo arrives from his morning run, he spots izuku on his bed with one of his shirts on.
“kacchan, hey.” izuku grins, crisscrossing his legs under him. “welcome back.”
“i think you should go.” comes bakugo’s blunt words. he turns away from izuku as if he couldn’t even look at him.
“what? but kacchan,” izuku tries his hard not to sound desperate, sound scared. “shouldnt we talk abou—
“about what?” the blond’s nonchalance makes izuku’s stomach turn in the worst way.
he opens his mouth to answer but he’s overcome with a feeling of foolishness so in the end, he says nothing. just stares at the back of bakugo’s head with watery eyes.
“exactly. there’s nothing to talk about.” bakugo says it more to himself.
izuku thinks the room’s closing in because suddenly he can’t breathe.
“you can keep that shirt—
he doesn’t hear the end of that because he’s out the door before bakugo even finishes his sentence.
they say you only fall in love once.
but there are many ways to love someone.
after that night, everything changed. bakugo stopped hanging out with him, stopped waiting for him after class so they could walk home together. he even stopped calling him in the middle of the night for their routinely study sessions which would always just turn into bakugo rambling about how the world sucks ass but he's glad izuku is there with him.
izuku felt his world crumbling in his hands as he desperately clawed for a solution. but when he tried once more to tell bakugo that he could just forget about that night and just go back to the way it used to be, bakugo looked more hurt than relieved.
“just leave me alone.” he’d say as he buries his nose in a book izuku knows he’s already read. so he does.
izuku loves him in silence. like he’s done for years.
only now, he learns to love bakugo from afar. he ignores him in the halls and stops hanging around their usual tree where they would always eat their lunch.
he loves him in the way the moon loves the sun. at a distance. waiting for an eclipse.
it’s only at the end of their senior year when izuku learns that he could still love bakugo while his stomach fills with butterflies for shoto.
the way he loves bakugo has turned into a doctrine. a religion. but izuku’s just human. he could only take so much blind faith.
so he lets himself melt into the two toned boy’s arms.
lets himself feel loved for once.
they say you only fall in love once.
and all the ones who come next are just doomed to be shadows of the first.
izuku learns this when shoto leans in close and he half-expects to smell the scent of lavender shampoo. learns this when shoto cooks breakfast for the two of them and izuku gets disappointed at the fact that shoto doesn’t know how he likes his eggs runny. learns this when shoto holds his hand just a little too loose when they cross a street.
a memory from a long time ago:
“kacchan you’re gripping my hand too tight!” izuku whines, feeling like a child.
“what?” bakugo feigns innocence, squeezing izuku’s hand in his own. “don’t want to lose you now, don’t i?”
the pedestrian light turns green as izuku’s cheeks burn red. maybe he falls a little harder.
bakugo doesn’t notice.
but he reminds himself that shoto loves him. and he loves him back. that should be enough, right?
‘it’s just the little things’, izuku tells himself.
well, up until it’s not.
they say you only fall in love once.
but that doesn’t mean your heart forgets.
it’s the graduation afterparty. izuku has been nursing a half drank beer on his lap for the past thirty minutes as he tries to converse with people he knows he’ll miss. shoto is god knows where.
after a few more minutes of the usual drunken chatter about college and losing virginities, he decides to get some fresh air. there had been talk about how this venue had a rooftop. so that’s where he goes.
he arrives at the dimly lit floor, thinking it was desolate as he stretches his shoulders to relax them.
until someone says, “long time no see, nerd.”
izuku halts, knowing the voice anywhere. even now, it makes his heart jump to his throat.
he turns to see the all too familiar ensemble of blond hair and red eyes.
“i see you everyday at school.” he finds himself saying. the sentence void of the playful tone it should have.
“you know what i mean.” says bakugo anyway, rolling his eyes.
“so you remember who i am now?” izuku jokes, voice just a tad bitter.
he leans on the railings on his elbows while bakugo has his back against it beside him.
“izuku, isn’t it?” bakugo shoots back, lips pulled into a small smirk as if playing a role.
izuku’s heart skips a beat in his chest and for a second, it feels like no time has passed. as if they had always been here, back to where they should be. as if nothing ever happened and as if there wasn’t a chasm of unsaid words and actions between them.
“congratulations on being the top of our class.” izuku forces himself to say instead, ignoring the pounding in his chest. “always knew you could do it.”
the smirk on bakugo’s face falls. izuku didn’t mean to say that last part.
“thanks, i guess.” bakugo recovers thankfully. “not too bad yourself, mr. #2.”
that is what he is and always has been. kacchan’s #2.
for the first time in months, bakugo smiles at him. and he finds himself smiling back.
until he catches himself.
“i should go,” izuku stands upright, wiping his hands on the front of his shirt like he’s dirtied them.
“gonna run back to your precious icyhot, huh?” bakugo chides lowly.
he knows he doesn’t have to defend shoto from anyone, most especially from bakugo, but he does anyway.
“don’t call him that.” izuku says firmly as he turns his head towards the blond. “he’s nicer than he looks.”
“well, i bet.” bakugo scoffs, meeting his gaze head on. “have you done it with the two-toned bastard?”
izuku reddens immediately. “that’s none of your business.”
“so you have.” katsuki chuckles, but it’s hollow. izuku just answers him with a look.
bakugo watches the city skyline below them for a few moments before he says,
“what happened to ‘i’m only yours, kacchan.’?”
izuku stiffens.
he’s tried so hard to forget that night, but somehow his memory still rings crystal clear.
another memory:
they are post euphoria. post ecstasy. post whatever else you could call happiness.
izuku has his head on bakugo’s shoulder, as the blond runs circles with his thumb on izuku’s back.
“did you really like that icyhot dude?” it’s the first time izuku has ever heard him sound hesitant.
“im only yours, kacchan.” he reassures softly, hearing the way bakugo's breathing relax and think he could stay there forever.
he had been too foolish to think so.
“how dare you even say that?” izuku’s tongue has grown to be faster than his heart. he thinks maybe if he gets it out of his chest first then it’ll hurt less.
“you threw me away so quick. like some toy.” the blond mumbles. izuku notices how he’s swaying slightly. is he drunk?
“kacchan, i tried to fix things.” izuku says, his voice thundering. “you know that.”
“that’s not how it looked.” bakugo spits. “yeah for the first few days you tried to talk to me, but after that? you acted like you didn’t fuckin know me.”
“because that’s what you wanted!” izuku fires back. “you told me to leave you alone, right? so i left you alone, kacchan.”
“sure, and then you went and chose to be with him, didn’t you?” katsuki chuckles, but it sounds wrong and maniacal. “was that a part of the ‘leaving me alone’ plan too?”
“that’s unfair.” izuku’s voice rises dangerously. “you know i’d choose you. i’d choose you over anything.”
“then why didn’t you—
“because you never gave me the chance!” izuku yells at him. and it is only then that bakugo feels finally awake. or sober. “you keep talking about how i tossed you away, how i acted like you didn’t exist but you were the one who did it first.
“and not to be some kind of petty child but you were the one who asked me to walk away, kacchan.”
bakugo just stares at him. vermillion eyes clouded in the apologies he can’t bring himself to say.
“you were the one who pushed me out.” says izuku less harsh and more defeated as he slumps on the floor against the railing.
they sit in stillness after that. with nothing but the clamor of the city below them as background noise. izuku’s heart aches so much he thinks it could burst. bakugo is still shell-shocked. and izuku can only take so much before he breaks the silence.
“bakugo katsuki, say what you wanna say for gods sake.” bakugo stills in surprise.
then he chuckles.
“my little deku’s has a sharp tongue now huh.” he says quietly, more to himself. izuku feels himself blush despite it all.
“don’t change the subject.”
“i’m sorry.” bakugo says it firmly. says it more to the night sky than to izuku, but for now, it works. it’s enough. “i was scared.”
“who wasn’t terrified?” izuku whispers, voice growing soft.
“but you know that feeling when your heart’s beating so fast that you can’t fucking breathe? that was how i felt when i looked at you— when i look at you now, too, but ye–yeah that.” bakugo mumbles. “it‘s like i fucking lose all control when i see you.
“and that scared me. because i’ve always been in control of everything in my life, i mean even in our friendship, and here comes this feeling that made me want to break all the rules and let everything go just so i could be with you.” izuku feels tears rise in his eyes.
“we could’ve figured it out—
“but you do know, you deserved someone better, right? not the me who’s short tempered and can’t go a sentence without fuckin swearing.” bakugo laughs weakly. “if it were up to me, i’d say you deserved someone perfect.”
“but i didn’t want someone perfect.” izuku says, voice small while hugging his knees to his chest tightly. “i wanted you.”
“deku, i— bakugo starts.
“am i interrupting something?”
it’s as if shoto’s voice was a glass of cold water spilled over them, an alarm ringing clear across the rooftop. the spell breaks.
izuku is on his feet too quickly and bakugo feels like he's gotten the wind knocked out of him.
“no, actually. we just finished talking.”
bakugo is shocked to silence. izuku is already at the exit but it's shoto who chooses to approach bakugo.
“goodnight, mr. number one.” shoto says with a shit-eating grin plastered on his face. he smells like alcohol and perfume. it takes everything in bakugo not to say or do something he’ll regret.
so instead he just says, “goodnight, you two.”
“goodnight, kacchan.” izuku looks back at him until he’s pulled by a strong grip down the stairwell.
then, bakugo’s left alone. alone as always. with nothing but the cool air and the city lights as company.
but he chose this for himself, so how could he complain?
they say you only fall in love once.
but that doesn’t mean the ones who come next can’t hurt you too.
maybe izuku sees it coming. maybe he sees the signs.
but he’s been too busy with the war going on between his heart and mind, so much so that it might just cost him everything he has.
it starts with shoto angling his phone away from him every time they were together and the sound of his breathy laugh that wasn’t because of anything izuku was saying, follows with missed dates and waking up to empty beds.
izuku knows he should say something, but he’s never been good at asking for what he wants and that hasn’t changed.
besides, he dreams of blond hair and tanned skin every night, so shoto isn’t the only one hiding something.
izuku thinks he can keep going like this, thinks he can keep ignoring how the phone number that pops up on shoto’s phone isn’t one he recognizes, how his life is starting to sound like a car where there’s no space for izuku and his college plans to fit comfortably in the backseat, how he’s always just tired when he’s with izuku. and ignoring works for a while, up until it doesn’t.
but he has his mistakes, too.
“you know i hate spicy curry,” shoto says dejectedly, twirling his fork on the food on his plate.
“o-oh right!” izuku stiffens. “i’m sorry, i was just so used to making it spicy because of-”
he catches himself too late.
“because of?” shoto echoes, sharply.
he refuses to say anything in fear of making things worst, just stares at the table while shoto glares at him.
“oh, of course. how silly of me.” shoto laughs sarcastically. “it’s like you built your whole life around that bastard.”
shoto doesn’t even have to say his name to get izuku’s heart pounding.
“he was my best friend.” izuku knows he sounds way too defensive, but how can he not be?
and it wasn’t like he even did anything wrong, if cooking a meal out of muscle-memory even constituted as a sin, but the way shoto looks at him makes him feel like he did.
“‘best friend’, sure.” shoto rolls his eyes and izuku thinks it’s unfair because isn’t he the one who visited izuku’s house last night smelling of someone else? isn’t he the one who’s always busy when izuku calls?
isn’t izuku the one who should be suspicious and not the other way around?
but he doesn’t want to fight anymore so izuku stays silent.
when shoto leaves, he kisses izuku goodnight. shoto is stubborn but he still melts into him, much to izuku’s relief, so izuku tells him he loves him instead. maybe he can pretend that everything’s okay.
maybe. maybe not.
it’s on their anniversary when he decides to surprise shoto and visit his house.
the plastic bag of takeout soba noodles is cold against his skin as he opens the door with his spare key.
shoto’s siblings should be at work at this time, he thinks, expecting the house to be empty.
he is greeted by the sight of an unfamiliar pair of shoes in the entryway. the black flats makes a faraway siren go off in his head, makes his stomach retreat in realization and his legs stiffen.
he thinks of how he could just run away now and forget about this, thinks of how it won’t be real until he sees it for himself. thinks maybe the rose colored glasses aren’t all that bad.
and for a second, he almost leaves.
but a part of him, the part that’s tired of being so paranoid, the one who’s exhausted of pretending, the one who harbors all the guilt and hurt inside his chest, convinces him to keep going.
each step he takes feels like a landmine. the giggles from upstairs, an explosion.
he doesn’t know what he expects but izuku thinks the sight of two bodies sprawled on top of each other is enough to confirm his suspicions.
he drops the food he brought on the floor with a loud thud, and two pairs of eyes fly to him.
“happy anniversary, shoto.” and he wonders if they can hear his heart breaking in his chest.
izuku was raised by his mother to be polite, so he sits silently on the couch across from shoto and momo. he waits for them to speak, even though he wants desperately to claw at his own skin. that or to throw up.
“izuku.” shoto starts, avoiding eye contact. “i’m sorry.”
izuku finds himself laughing. until he’s shaking uncontrollably that he has to curl his hands into fists against his knees to stabilize himself.
“what? that’s it?” izuku asks wildly, voice breaking everywhere. “that’s all you have to say?”
the two just stare at him as if he’s gone crazy. maybe he already has.
“izuku, i’m sorry, please. t-this wasn’t what i planned at all.” momo stutters, kneeling beside izuku’s feet. her dark hair is disheveled mess and she’s crying. “we were going to t-tell you.”
“yeah. eventually, right?” izuku almost spits out the words, empathy thrown out the window. “when you eventually get tired of making a fool out of me?”
“no! that’s n-not it at all,” momo pleads. “izuku, i swear the first time was just an accident, i didn’t mean-
“do you really think that makes anything better?” izuku cuts her off, and turns to shoto this time. “does starting off from an accident change the fact that you’ve both been going behind my back for months?”
call izuku petty all you want but maybe he likes how he gets a sense of pride in the way they both wince. even more in the fact that momo leaves the room. he thinks maybe then, they feel even just an ounce of the hurt he’s feeling.
“so, you knew?” shoto asks quietly.
“i wanted you to prove me wrong.”
at that, shoto winces as if he’s been punched in the gut. izuku has run out of room for empathy.
shoto just stares at him.
“aren’t you going to tell me why you did it?” izuku says, unbelievably. his voice sharp and harsh. “do you not think i deserve at least that?
shoto meets his eyes. maybe izuku imagines it, but he’s sad too. but it doesn’t matter right now. what matters is, there’s fire coursing through izuku’s veins and he’s not planning to back down.
“i-i don’t know.” shoto admits bashfully. “maybe it was when i realized i was competing with someone who wasn’t even aware of it.”
“you cheated on me because of some jealous haze-
“i-i know! i know this isn’t an excuse for what i did, but sometimes you looked at me as if you expected someone else, you know.” shoto says carefully, voice going small. “there were days when i wondered if you even really saw me.”
izuku looks at him for a moment, weighing what he meant.
“so a little mishap and you ran to the next bed you could find?”
“n-no, momo was just there one night, and i got a little too much to drink and it just happened- i’m sorry, izuku-”
“why didn’t you tell me?” izuku interrupts. “you know i would’ve understood. you could’ve ended it there. saved me the hurt.”
“i still loved you.” shoto’s quick to answer. “i know you won’t ever believe me now, but i still do. and i thought i could just go back to you and forget about it.”
“but you couldn’t.”
shoto sighs.
“i don’t know if this makes sense but there were days when i was with you, i felt so unwanted.” he says it as if it pains him to do so. izuku doesn’t know exactly what to feel. “i-i felt so lonely sometimes.”
“you didn’t even think of how i felt.” izuku shoots back. “i was hurting too.”
“yeah but you never tell me what you feel, ‘zuku.” shoto explains. “you’re so hard to read, sometimes i thought you didn’t want me anymore.
“shoto, don’t bullshit me. you know i love you.” says izuku. and maybe the fact that he says it without a doubt hurts shoto more.
“yeah. i do.” shoto smiles sadly. “but i know you still love him too.”
izuku almost stumbles back. almost.
“that’s not a part of this.” izuku says instead, firmly. “this is about me and you.”
“i know.” shoto says, eyes welling up with tears. “but it just sucked to realize i was competing with someone i could never win against.”
“that’s not the point-
“you say his name in your sleep, did you know that?” shoto laughs like it pains him.
“what?” izuku’s blood stills.
“you say ‘kacchan’ in the middle of the night.”
izuku feels his lungs burn but he forces the pain down. tells himself he’s used to it.
“and that validates what you did?”
“no, of course it doesn’t. i’m going to regret what i did to you for the rest of my life.” shoto says truthfully. “but i think we have to accept the fact that i’ll never be him.”
izuku’s stunned to silence. the words ring true.
he breathes deeply before he finds his voice again.
“i dont think i could ever truly forgive you, sho.” he exhales. his chest aches in the worst way possible. “but i love you enough to set you free.”
shoto says nothing.
“so. this is it.” izuku says. “goodbye, shoto.”
he’s out the room faster than shoto can even react because suddenly, izuku doesn’t want to see him hurt any more than he already has.
momo runs into him before he leaves. mascara is running down her flushed cheeks and she’s still sobbing.
“izuku, i’m sorry, wait pl—
“just promise me you’ll love him better than i ever could.” izuku stops in his tracks to tell her. she looks at him, surprised.
“i-i promise.” she chokes out.
and that’s enough for him.
they say you only fall in love once.
but what do they say when two people fall for the same person?
gossip travels fast in a small alumni class from a close-knit town. but not fast enough. not when college is in the picture and bakugo only gets home during the weekends.
he hears it first from camie’s mouth. like most things.
“could you believe todoroki had the balls to do such a thing? i thought he was supposed to be goody two shoed rich boy.” she sighs, a perfectly manicured finger picking up a french fry. “i heard izuku got a vip seat, too. poor guy.”
“what the fuck are you talking about?” bakugo scowls at his burger instead of eating it. suddenly he’s in a sour mood.
camie looks at him in disbelief.
“honey, don’t tell me you haven’t heard?” she furrows her brows at him, her glossy lips in a pout. “you would think izuku’s so called ‘best friend’ would be the one to know first.”
the stress on the words ‘best friend’ kinda stings although bakugo would never say it out loud.
“fuck off. i told you we were complicated.” bakugo huffs, looking at a packet of ketchup like it offended him and his family. “what happened?”
camie tries her best to break the news gently. but everyone knows, nothing about bakugo is gentle enough.
“i’m going to murder that motherfucker.” bakugo stands abruptly. the people in the diner all turn to look at him as camie yanks him back down in the booth.
“chillax, babe.” she says, pushing his uneaten plate towards him. “you won’t be able to punch todo’s face in properly with an empty stomach.”
somehow, bakugo can’t argue with that logic.
and again, a small city means that there‘s barely any difficulty in looking for people you want to see (or beat up).
this is how it’s possible for bakugo to barge into the only gym in town, and punch shoto square in the face while he was in the middle of doing his fourth rep.
“i wanna say that's just for what you did to deku, but really, i’ve always wanted to punch your perfect teeth in.”
shoto stands, wiping at the blood on his lip with the back of his hand.
“are you done?” he grimaces.
“not even close.” bakugo shoves him. “how could you fuckin do that to him?”
“it wasn't like that. i just—
“bullshit.” bakugo has him by the collar now. “you know deku trusts so easily. you know how he loves with everything he has! then you—
“yeah, i'm sure you know a lot about that too.” shoto chokes out bitterly. “you probably know more than i do.”
bakugo stills. “what the fuck are you on?”
“look, i’m sorry, i know i fucked up.” shoto clears his throat as much as the taut collar can allow, avoiding bakugo’s eyes. “but i could only take so much.”
at this, bakugo sees red. “who do you think you are?” he snaps as he shakes shoto in his grip. “what could deku have done for him to deserve that? huh?”
“you dont know how it feels okay?” shoto’s voice rises then goes quiet. “you don't know what it’s like when the person you love looks at you like he’s looking for someone else.”
bakugo’s eyes grow wide.
“it gets lonely.” the tone of his voice is enough for bakugo to release his grip.
bakugo’s head is a whirlwind of confusion and anger as he tries to decipher what shoto’s words entail. shoto doesn’t miss a beat.
“he’s still yours.” shoto says defeatedly. “he always has been.”
their eyes meet and bakugo realizes that maybe there is a possibility of two people loving the same person with the same amount of intensity. but some just really don’t work out.
“you know this doesn't mean you're scot-free, icyhot.” bakugo reminds him, catching his breath.
shoto smiles painfully. “no sir.”
they say you only fall in love once.
and although bakugo doesn’t know this, for him, there’s really only ever been one.
there's a part of him that’s scared again. the part that expects everything to end up worse if he dares meddle into things. but there’s also the part that’s only ever really cared about izuku.
that’s the part, the one that makes something soft and pure flow through his veins when he thinks of the freckled boy, that ultimately makes his feet move on their own volition.
and suddenly, he’s standing in front of the door of izuku’s house for the first time in months.
inko answers the door. and to bakugo’s surprise, she looks at him gratefully as if she expected him to come. which he thinks he doesnt deserve, not when all he’s been doing was hurt izuku, too.
“come in.” she smiles and something wells up in bakugo’s chest as he gets the urge to apologize to her. say sorry for not being there for her son like he was supposed to, like he once promised to be when they were kids.
one of his earliest memories:
“i pwomise to take care of deku, deku’s mom!” a younger bakugo exclaims, blond hair unruly as ever and red eyes bright. “no one will ever hurt him when i’m here!”
inko laughs and nods.
“i-i’m sorr—
she stops him with a hug.
“shh. no need for that.” she says, and bakugo feels pressure build up behind his eyes. “welcome back, katsuki.”
..
he knows the house like the back of his hand so it doesn’t really take long to reach izuku’s room.
he knocks on the door.
“mom, i told you i didn’t want to eat.” comes izuku’s muffled whine through the walls.
bakugo almost lets himself laugh before he says “not even when your mother made you katsudon?”
he hears a loud thud. then, he’s greeted by the sight of izuku’s messy hair and puffy eyes.
“kacchan?” izuku says in disbelief. “sorry, i-i thought you were my mom.”
“c’mon, don’t disrespect her like that.” bakugo tries to joke only to be met by izuku’s questioning eyes.
“what are you doing here?” izuku asks bluntly.
“i just wanted to make sure you were okay.”
“so you’ve heard.” he sighs, feeling the urge to cry again even though he’s already cried enough to last a lifetime.
“can i come in?” bakugo says instead.
izuku looks at him for a moment and thinks that if he’s learned anything, he should refuse. but even now, he can’t.
izuku sits at the floor beside his bed as bakugo takes the time to look around the room.
izuku’s favorite superhero posters are still up on his wall as well as their photos. not much has changed. bakugo can’t say the same for the two of them though.
“i still have your shirt.”
bakugo turns around. “my shirt?”
“y-you know, the one from that night.” izuku mumbles, not looking at him.
“oh.” bakugo realizes. “that’s already yours.”
for a second, izuku looks surprised. then, he nods.
“at least i got to keep one thing.”
bakugo stays silent for a moment as he moves to sit down beside izuku, careful enough to put some space between them.
“how are you?”
“i'm not sure,” izuku admits. “everything still hurts and i feel so stupid. i'm starting to think this love thing isn’t for me.” he tries to laugh.
“that’s not true.” bakugo counters. “icyhot was just a fuckin bastard.”
at this, izuku genuinely laughs. even though it’s weak.
“it was partly my fault too.” izuku adds. “the heart never forgets, i guess.”
bakugo’s own heart skips a beat at that.
“maybe that’s a good thing.”
“yeah right.” izuku scoffs. “if you think pain is good.”
“i’m sorry, i didn’t mean to--.” bakugo tries to say,
“it’s fine, kacchan.” izuku interrupts. “i’m used to it.”
bakugo regrets opening his mouth but he’s gotten this far, so he can’t really back down now.
“remember when we won that quiz bee shit back in junior year?”
“the one where you almost cussed out our opponents in front of the entire school?”
“yeah, that one.” bakugo laughs slightly. “remember when you turned to me and said ‘kacchan, we did it’? t-that’s when i realized.”
“realized what?”
“that maybe love was real.” then, bakugo corrects himself. “that love is real.”
there’s a beat of silence until his words sink into izuku’s mind.
“don’t you dare.” izuku warns him, although there’s hardly bite in his tone and he says it more to the floor than to bakugo. “i can’t do this anymore.”
“but i—
“i don’t wanna hear it.” izuku pleads. “why can’t you understand that?”
“because i’m not letting you go again.”
izuku just stares at him and he takes his chance.
“look, i know i’ve already ruined everything.” bakugo says hurriedly. “but i just want you to know that what i said that night after that party, when we ended up at my house and i told you that i, that i---
bakugo takes a breath before he says it.
“i love you.”
izuku’s head turns to him so fast.
“you can’t just say that.” he says desperately, almost in a panic. “not now, kacchan.” not ever?
“i just, i just wanted to let you know---
“you can’t come back into my life and just make a mess of it more.”
“that’s not what i’m trying to do. i just thought you deserved to know!” bakugo explains. “i’ve been keeping these feelings for months now—
“yeah? how long do you think i’ve been keeping mine?” izuku says too harshly.
“deku, fuck. please.” bakugo begs. “just let me make things right.”
“how? okay, how are you going to make things right?.” izuku demands, his voice shaking. “what does saying that do other than just hurt me more?”
“i- bakugo is at a loss.
“that’s what i thought.” izuku says sadly. “it’s too late, kacchan. i’m done.”
and so there they are. childhood friends sitting on the carpeted floor, barely a foot apart but somehow it feels like it’s the farthest from each other they’ve ever been. the 5 pm sun shines through the window of izuku’s bedroom, blanketing them in a hazy golden light. the kind of light that makes you think of ends and goodbyes. they stay silent, only the sound of their breathing filling up the room, as their hearts beat an identical symphony against their chests in hopes one hears the other. there is so much left unsaid, but no more words to say.
bakugo looks at izuku in the way one would look at the moon. in awe. complete yearning.
and izuku thinks he has no choice but to surround himself with walls.
they’ve switched places. fate is an ironic thing.
“god. what the fuck happened to us?” bakugo says aloud, after a while, because he can only take so much shutting up.
“we played a game we were destined to lose.” izuku sighs. “please remind me to never fall in love with you again in my next life, kacchan.”
“so you think we’ll meet each other in our next lives huh?” bakugo points out, a ghost of a smile on his lips. “isn’t that like some soulmate shoujo shit?”
“shut up. that’s not what i meant.” izuku blushes this time. “you’re still on thin ice, bakugo katsuki.”
bakugo chuckles, then realizes something.
“you said we were playing a game we were destined to lose,” bakugo starts, voice uncharacteristically small and hopeful. “but who’s to say we can’t play again?”
izuku stiffens as he looks at bakugo with glossy eyes. it’s the first time he’s ever seen, ever heard bakugo be so blatantly vulnerable, so unguarded. as if his faith entirely rests on izuku’s decision. as if whatever izuku says will either make him or break him.
all his life, he’s put bakugo first. but he knows it’s time he put himself first, too.
however, as far as the other organs go, the heart wants what it wants. so he chooses to do both.
“i’m going to need some time to heal.” izuku says carefully, chest pounding. “then, we’ll start from there.”
there’s a second of hesitation as the words pass the lethargy in bakugo’s mind until it finally clicks.
and bakugo, the motherfucker, doesn’t waste another second until he’s kissing him.
izuku’s taken back at first, but he eventually melts into it. the kiss is bittersweet, just like them. tastes like tears and hope for the future. he can feel bakugo smiling against him before he pulls away.
“i said i needed some time!” izuku exclaims, before bakugo can even lean in again.
“i’ll wait for you for as long as i can.”
it’s been years since. izuku’s heart can finally beat without aching and bakugo has been there through every step of the way.
“is this the day when we finally try again?” bakugo asks.
izuku smiles.
they say you only fall in love once.
but what if one is all you need?