Work Text:
Reigen was always good at reading people, me particularly.
He was better than Ritsu, who had lived his whole life around me, and better than Teru, who was arguably horrible at the task.
Reigen knew me better than anyone I knew.
He could tell what percentage I was at before I could even spill the numbers.
Even though he was never as great as he said, and I had known he was a fraud for years, I do believe that somewhere deep down, Reigen did have an ability.
Reigen passed the year after I graduated high school, so I guess we'll never really know.
It was a couple months ago, but I'm still not strong enough to talk about it.
I'm struggling to live as an adult without him.
There's no one who can really understand my situation as much as he did.
Even though I love Ritsu and Teru dearly, and they're working hard to get in the level Reigen was once, they'll never be Reigen.
I'm never going to have a person like that again.
… Probably.
Before he passed, I used to text him when I was starting to get overwhelmed, about to meltdown, and he'd help me ground myself, keep it under wraps.
Sometimes he'd call, he had a comforting voice.
I find myself still texting his old number, I'm sure it goes to some random person now who didn't even know who Reigen was, but that doesn't stop me.
I apologize a lot in those messages.
Partially because it was my fault he passed.
Partially because I feel bad for dumping all my emotional baggage on the person actually receiving these.
I vent about my day, I scroll up and read our old conversations, I take pictures of things that remind me of him and send them.
… Part of me is half expecting him to respond.
Part of me is hoping he's gonna text back and say "Aw, what a cute puppy, Mob! Be sure to give it lots of pets for me!"
And then he doesn't.
I had a meltdown at his funeral, it was embarrassing.
Dimple didn't know what to do with me, Ritsu was trying to get everyone to settle down.
Teru tried to comfort me from afar.
I cried a lot that day.
I couldn't leave the house for weeks.
I got fired from my job because I hadn't come into work so long.
I stayed home alone, constantly at my limit.
100% loneliness.
100% sadness.
100% mourning.
I think the stages of grief work differently for me, I never had a denial, bargaining, or anger stage.
I jumped right into depression, head first.
I'm working my way out of it, though.
Reigen had no living family, but he had put me in his will, so I had gotten most of everything he ever owned. Ritsu tried to get me to get rid of it, but I was already attached to most of it.
So I kept most of his belongings.
Teru wasn't mad when most of our apartment was cluttered with Reigen's stuff, and I was stuck in the middle of the apartment, desperately trying to cope.
He organized it, framed pictures and put away books.
I still couldn't cope. But he insisted that was okay.
I readjusted my routine, trying to keep my lost father figure as far from my mind as possible, but he still forced his way in.
Today, Dimple insisted that I visit Reigen's grave for the first time in months. Ritsu said it was a bad idea, that it would only awaken more grieving, but… Maybe it could be the closure I needed.
The train was loud, so I had worn my ear defenders, and sat close to the window while I waited for my stop.
I felt like a middle schooler again, on my way to the Spirit and Consultation Office after school.
I wasn't, but it was a nice warm feeling to be reminded of.
My stop came along, and I hopped off the train and headed towards the graveyard. It was autumn, the wind had just gotten chilly and the leaves started to fall. I slipped off my ear defenders and continued walking.
"Dimple," I asked, "Were you ever… Human? Or were you just always a spirit?"
Dimple looked back at me, I'm sure if he had shoulders he would shrug, "Don't really know, Shigeo. I've been like this for as long as I can remember, so I doubt I was ever human. Why?"
I looked down towards the ground, shoving my hands in my pockets, "Maybe… I've been too consumed by grief to think about this before, but I'm wondering if maybe… Reigen is a spirit now."
"Don't get your hopes up."
"I know but… It'd be a nice thought. To actually talk to him again instead of just… texting his old number like he's still there."
"Maybe so, but would it really feel any better to know he's stuck here instead of going into the afterlife?"
I fell silent again, Dimple might've been right, maybe I was selfish for wanting that.
I don't like the idea of him being stuck here forever.
What if he asks me to exorcise him? Would I be able to do it?
Would I… be able to live with killing him twice?
"Don't think about it too much, kid," Dimple reassured, "Think about something else, like… Oh, Serizawa's coming to town soon, isn't he?"
I nodded, "He is, he's going to take over the business, and probably move up here. He left to visit family for awhile… the grief was too much for him."
"And your brother is getting married soon, right?"
"I think so… I hope he and Shou don't feel like Teru and I are pressuring him since we're already married… Teru and I have just been together since middle school."
"Ah, I'm sure he doesn't feel like that, hey look! We're there," Dimple replied.
I looked up at the entry way gate, and headed on in.
I could feel the presence of many spirits, most of which were good meaning, as I moved down the aisles. I remembered which one was Reigen's, I'm not quite sure why I memorized that, as I came across the gravestone.
Reigen Arataka
1993-2025
A father to all,
A lover to one.
I remember Serizawa picking out that inscription, he confronted me about it before confirming it.
It was the first thing to make me smile during the week of Reigen's death.
I took a breath, looking down at the grave, and then getting on my knees.
The ground was cold, and I felt no presence here.
"Reigen…" I started, trying to collect myself, "I'm really sorry. About… everything. About the fight I got you involved in, the people I got you involved in with, not taking over the business like you wanted… I'm really sorry about that one, I should've done it, but it feels so… so… empty without you… Serizawa said he was gonna take it, though. I know he's gonna take good care of it, I'll work under him, too. Maybe someday… I'll let go enough to be able to do it? I don't know…"
I balled up the fabric of my jeans into my hands, trying to keep it together.
"I've been texting your old number, I'm having such a hard time living without you… I love Ritsu, and Teru, and Dimple but… I don't think there's a person in the world who could get me quite as well as you did. You taught me a lot of things, I'm not sure if I'd be the same person without you. Teru, as patient as he is, is probably tired of my mourning and constant depression. I had a meltdown at your funeral, I'm sorry about that, too, it was really embarrassing…"
I fell silent again, biting my tongue.
"I think… I'm happy about the moments we spent together, though. There could've been so much more, you died so young, but the ones we had… they make me pretty happy. A part of me, though, has been thinking about you on the afterlife. Wondering if you're a spirit and wondering… how much damage I can do with my powers. It was my fault you passed, my fault that many people passed and now I'm wondering… am I really a good person? Am I doing good enough? Will I ever… live up to what you thought of me?"
There's silence in the air as I feel the emotions build up once again.
75%.
"I'm really nothing without you, I'm so annoying to everyone because you're all I can talk about. I can't remember the last time I saw my parents, Serizawa left town for awhile, Teru's coping by overworking himself and here I am, crying to someone who isn't here anymore and can't do anything to help. Here I am, texting a dead person and still praying they'll text back and… And… I'm just…"
93%.
"I'm just so… fucking lonely, Reigen, I'm so fucking lonely."
There isn't a response. But I expected that. Nothing but the wind as I still pray to hear a familiar voice.
Just one more time, please.
Just one more hug.
"Hey, Mob!"
I lift my head up, and I'm met with a ghostly figure of someone I once knew.
"Still venting to me from the afterlife, huh?"