Work Text:
jeremyandmichael has uploaded a new video: happy holidays
The video begins with Jeremy and Michael sitting on their couch, the marijuana chair peeking out from the far-left corner of the frame.
“GOOD MORNING WORLD AND ALL CHILLERS WHO INHABIT IT!” Michael yells, throwing his hands up.
“Why are you yelling?”
“Dramatic flair.”
“Your entire personality is dramatic.”
“Is it because I’m gay? Is that why?”
Jeremy rolls his eyes, “No, it’s because you were in Romeo and Juliet back in fifth grade and you never stopped being dramatic.”
“My performance was Broadway worthy. I don’t care what critics say.”
“Yeah, okay.” Jeremy says, turning back to the camera. “So, most of you guys know I’m Jewish—”
“And I am not.” Michael pipes in.
“—so we can’t decide whether to decorate for Hanukkah or for Christmas. We normally just don’t do any decorating shit, but this weirdo wanted to decorate as a couple.”
“It’s gonna be fun, just you wait.”
“Anyway, we’re not decorating for either,” Jeremy says as Michael reaches out of frame and bringing two bottles of Mountain Dew. “We’re decorating our apartment with Mountain Dew. That’s it. That’s the video.”
“But first we gotta drink these to celebrate!” Michael gives one of the bottles to Jeremy.
“Is this required?”
“Absolutely.”
The video cuts to Jeremy alone on the couch, still holding the Mountain Dew. He looks like he’s watching someone leave the room, then looks at the camera and puts a finger to his lips. He then proceeds to pour some of the Mountain Dew out into one of their plants.
“Jer! What the hell!” Michael’s voice is heard off screen.
Jeremy immediately stops, eyes wide.
The video changes to a shot of Jeremy shifting through plastic bags.
“I didn’t even know Mountain Dew themed parties were a thing.” Jeremy says, pulling a string of Mountain Dew pictures out of one of the bags.
“It’s just that popular, Jer.” Michael says from behind the camera. “I’m not alone in the world.”
“Yeah, there are other people just as weird as you out there.” Jeremy says, continuing to pull out various Mountain Dew decorations and setting them on the floor around him.
“I’m going to pretend like you didn’t say that,” Michael says and the camera wobbles as Michael comes into frame and sets it down somewhere.
“No one can come into our apartment this month.”
“Except the rest of the Squip members.”
Jeremy shakes his head. “Nope. Not even them. This is too ridiculous.”
“I hope you realize that we’re posting this on the internet. Everyone’s going to see it.”
“Is it too late to return all this shit and just not decorate at all?”
Michael swoops in and plucks the string of Mountain Dew pictures out of Jeremy’s hands. “Nope. Can we hang this on the front door?”
The video cuts to the Jeremy attempting to hang the string of Mountain Dews above the front door of their apartment, Michael standing and watching.
“Is it straight yet?” Jeremy asks.
“It’s about as straight as me.”
“Damnit.” Jeremy says as he begins messing with the placement.
Michael takes a drink of his Mountain Dew, then sets it down to help Jeremy.
“Remember when you said this would be fun?”
“I still stand by my statement.”
Jeremy finishes messing with the string, and steps back to take a look.
“Is it still as straight as me?” Michael asks.
“More like as straight as me.”
“Almost there!”
The video cuts to Jeremy and Michael looking at the string, which is mostly straight.
“This is as straight as it’s going to get,” Jeremy says.
Michael throws his arm over Jeremy’s shoulders. “It’s a miracle it’s as straight as it is. I mean, we’re pretty not straight ourselves.”
“Is that the only joke you know?”
“I know you.”
Jeremy elbows Michael in the side.
The video changes to a black screen with white letters saying, “don’t try this at home.”
The video cuts to the boys in the kitchen. Michael is pouring hot wax into a Mountain Dew can that’s top has been cut off and Jeremy is holding a string in the middle of it.
“We are going to catch this apartment on fire.” Jeremy says as he watches Michael pour hot wax into a Mountain Dew can. “This is the worst idea ever.”
“It’s gonna be so cool. Who else can say they have Mountain Dew candles?” Michael says, stopping his pour as the wax almost overflows onto the counter.
“Normal people?”
“C’mon, it’s like a menorah, but, like, with only one candle. And it’s a Mountain Dew can.”
“Wait, I thought you just wanted to make a candle. You’re trying to make a menorah that’s not a menorah?” Jeremy asks, eyebrows furrowed, still holding the string in place.
“Uh, yeah? Is that not okay?” Michael asks, looking a little nervous. “We can make, what, six more of these things if you want.”
Jeremy narrows his eyes a bit, a smile creeping onto his face. “The whole point of this was to not decorate for any specific holiday.”
“And?”
Jeremy gives Michael a quick kiss. “I hate you.”
The video cuts to Michael, who is wearing giant headphones, only his face illuminated by the computer screen.
“Editing Michael here! Just wanted to say that I’m the best boyfriend ever.”
A pillow comes out of nowhere and smacks Michael on the back of the head.
“Again with the pillows? Are you trying to get me to come back to bed?”
Jeremy groans loudly from somewhere off screen.
The video cuts to a wobbly view of the hallway. “Jeremy? Where are you?” Michael’s voice is heard.
“STAY WHERE YOU ARE!” Jeremy yells from somewhere off screen.
“Am I getting arrested for being too hot?” Michael asks. “I always knew this would happen.”
“I’m not done yet! Give me a minute!”
“Okay…” Michael says and the screen wobbles as it turns, Michael’s face coming into frame. “So, how are you guys doing? How’s life? Getting good grades and all that shit? God, I feel like Dora the Explorer.”
“Okay! Come to the living room!” Jeremy yells.
Michael gives the camera a look and it wobbles once again as he turns it away from him. It shows the hallway, then turning into the living room, where Jeremy is standing in front of something.
“Am I getting a strip tease?”
“Michael,” Jeremy says wearily.
“Okay, okay.”
Jeremy steps to the side, revealing a four-foot-high pyramid of half-crushed Mountain Dew cans. There’s even a little paper star on top.
“Is that a fucking Christmas tree made out of Mountain Dew cans?”
Jeremy shrugs, “Had to find a use for all the damn cans we have from your addiction. Plus, I fucking had to, I mean, you made me a fucking menorah out of Mountain Dew cans.”
The camera wobbles as Michael turns it back to himself. “That man is the love of my life. Stay tuned for the wedding video.”
The video cuts to a view of Michael and Jeremy’s feet, Jeremy's feet are on top of Michael's. The camera has seemingly been put on the ground while it was still recording.
“Merry Christmas,” Jeremy’s voice is heard.
“Happy Hanukkah,” Michael’s voice follows.
“I still can’t believe you made a fucking menorah out of Mountain Dew cans.”
“Only the best for my favorite dried prune.”
Jeremy snorts. “Oh, so I look like a prune?”
“A beautiful one that made a goddamn Christmas tree out of Mountain Dew cans.”
“Two of your favorite things.”
“Made by my favorite person.”
“Aw, I’m your favowite person?”
“Unfortunately.”
The video changes to a black screen with white words saying, “TOUR!”
It cuts to Michael in front of their front door, showing off the string of Mountain Dew pictures above their door.
“When people walk in, it’s like they’re being blessed by the Mountain Dew god.” He says.
“Because everyone wants to be blessed by the Mountain Dew god,” Jeremy is heard saying sarcastically off camera.
“Exactly!” Michael says, then starts walking. The camera follows him into the living room, where the Mountain Dew Christmas Tree is sitting in front of the fireplace, and the Mountain Dew menorah is sitting above it on the little ledge. “And here’s our unintentional holiday decorations.”
“Made out of Mountain Dew cans, naturally.”
“And if you look to your right,” Michael says as the camera pans over to the right, showing the various giant Mountain Dew wall stickers and hanging wall decorations. “You’ll see the gorgeous decorations, in honor of the national drink of America.”
“I think it’s actually Coke,” Jeremy says from behind the camera.
“Shhhh,” Michael says from off screen.
The video cuts to the two of them standing in front of the fireplace, Jeremy holding the camera selfie style.
“Now that we’ve fed Michael’s addiction enough for today, we hope you guys have a happy holiday!” Jeremy says. “We’ll be inactive for a while since we’re going back home to celebrate with our families.”
“Stay cold—actually, it’s fucking freezing out there. Stay warm Chillers!”