Archive of Our Own

Bokuto knew that Akaashi was gay. They’d been friends for quite a while now and Akaashi had never made a secret of it. And it wasn't like Bokuto minded. Why would he? It wasn’t really any of his business anyway and if Akaashi was happy there was nothing to complain about.

Or so he thought. But it was one thing to know, in theory, that Akaashi was dating guys. But living together and actually seeing said guys was, well, different.

They had decided to move in together in summer, when Akaashi’s lease was running out and Bokuto was looking for a new roommate. “Are you sure about this?”, Akaashi had asked back then. And Bokuto had been very sure. It hadn’t mattered that Akaashi was gay or dating or not dating or whatever. It hadn’t even come to Bokuto’s mind, that he could be bothered by that.

But something about Akaashi bringing his boyfriend over to their shared flat rubbed him the wrong way. He tried to convince himself that it was because Akaashi’s boyfriend was a douche and didn’t treat his friend right. But that wasn’t the case. He was a nice guy. The type of guy that Bokuto would have gotten along well with. He wore colourful clothes that Kuroo would consider ridiculous and he had broad shoulders and laughed a lot. Under different circumstances they would have probably become friends in a second.

But not like this, not when he was Akaashi’s boyfriend. At first, he thought he was just annoyed at the PDA. The boyfriend seemed to be the cuddly type and was all over Akaashi when they made dinner in their kitchen or watched a movie in the small living room. But it got worse over time. Bokuto felt frustrated as soon as that guy stepped foot into their flat and it got to the point where he barely left his room when Akaashi brought his boyfriend over.

When winter rolled around, he started visiting less frequently and Bokuto wondered if Akaashi noticed. He didn’t want to burden him; he didn’t want him to be considerate. They shared this flat, and hell, it wasn’t like Bokuto never brought anyone home. But at the same time, he was glad he didn’t have to see them together as often.

~

One evening in the last week of November, Akaashi came home rather late. It wasn’t unusual, but they had agreed to decorate the flat together, so Bokuto was a little disappointed. Bokuto wasn't a very religious person, but he liked Christmas and he liked fairy lights and had really looked forward to decorating the flat together for the first time.

When Akaashi finally came, Bokuto was on a small ladder putting up some star-shaped window decorations. He had actually planned to mope a little, but he was way too excited, to let himself dwell on this for long. “You’re so late! I started without you, but the tree is still untouched so we can do that!”, he shouted from the kitchen, when he heard the door shut behind Akaashi. “I got us matching Christmas sweaters too, I’m already wearing mine, so you-”

He stopped abruptly when he saw his friend standing in the doorway with red eyes and puffy cheeks. “Akaashi are you okay?!” Bokuto stumbled over so quickly, he almost fell from the ladder. Akaashi didn’t say anything and just stood there, shrugging.

“What happened?”, Bokuto asked in a much softer voice, gently putting his hand on Akaashi’s arm.

“He left me”, Akaashi whispered and his voice was so shaky, so raspy and weak, it broke Bokuto’s heart. Akaashi wasn’t the type of person who wore his heart on his sleeve so seeing him this distressed was unbearable. Bokuto hugged him tightly and slowly rubbed his back. He felt Akaashi’s shoulders trembling in his arms and instinctively squeezed him a little more.

After a while Akaashi freed himself from the hug. He wiped his nose with his sleeve.

“So”, he said snuffling. “Where is that ugly ass Christmas sweater you bought for me?” Bokuto perked up at that and immediately got the sweater from his room. It was red and green and dark blue and had a giant owl with a Christmas hat on it. Akaashi couldn’t keep himself from laughing. “God, it really is ugly.” But he pulled it over his head without further ado.

“Nooo, it’s cute, look we match!” Bokuto demonstratively showed off his own sweater that just said “✰HOOT✰HOOT✰HOOT✰”

They spend the evening decorating the tree in their small living room and listening to silly Christmas jingles. Or well, Bokuto decorated the tree while Akaashi sat on the couch all wrapped up in cozy blankets with a cup of hot chocolate in his hands that Bokuto had made for him. From time to time he gave directions for where the next ornament should go and Bokuto was more than happy to take the orders.

After their Christmas tree was all pretty and shining, Bokuto took out his laptop and settled down next to Akaashi. “Up for some sappy Christmas movie?”, he asked playfully and Akaashi nodded, leaning his head against the other boy’s shoulder. Bokuto felt a little happy about that, though he didn’t quite know why. They watched The Holiday, which Bokuto knew to be one of Akaashi’s favourites, and afterwards another movie that Bokuto didn’t know.

He didn’t realize immediately, that Akaashi had fallen asleep on his shoulder long before the second movie was over. Even with his cheeks all red from crying, Akaashi was still beautiful. Bokuto hadn’t really paid that much attention to it before, but he had long, dark lashes and pretty lips and Bokuto couldn’t help but wonder, how anyone could possibly want to break up with this person.

Bokuto wasn’t that interested in the movie, but he didn’t have it in him to wake his roommate and since he didn’t know what else to do, he kept watching until the end credits rolled over the screen. After that he closed the laptop and slowly got up from the couch, trying not to wake the other boy. Akaashi made a displeased noise at that, but to Bokuto’s surprise, didn’t wake up. He considered to just stuff a pillow under Akaashi’s head and let him sleep on the sofa. But then he opted for carefully picking him up and carrying him back to his room. His day had been tough enough, he should at least sleep comfortably in his own bed.

He sat him down onto the mattress and put him under the cover. The black-haired boy looked peaceful, sleeping like that. But the red skin around his eyes and nose were clear evidence for his broken heart. It hurt to see his friend like that. But at the same time, Bokuto couldn’t help but feel a little relieved, that Akaashi’s boyfriend wouldn’t come over anymore.

~

The feeling of relief didn’t last long. Apparently Akaashi’s strategy to get over a broken heart included more than just movie nights and hot chocolate. He stayed out until morning so often, Bokuto lost count. And when he did come home at night, he usually didn’t come alone. It wasn’t that they were particularly loud, and they didn’t stay for breakfast either. But whenever he heard the door close behind one of Akaashi’s hook ups in the morning or met one in the corridor at night he felt furious.

He knew that Akaashi was going through a tough time and he wanted him to feel better, but he hated this. He was pretty sure, hooking up with someone else every night to escape the loneliness wasn’t the healthiest way to deal with his broken heart anyway.

When Akaashi seemed to be getting ready to go out yet another night, Bokuto decided to talk to him. He stood in the door frame of their bathroom and watched Akaashi styling his hair for a while until he spoke up.

“Again?”

Akaashi flinched in surprise. “Don’t sneak up on me like that”, he said and proceeded to put on some perfume.

“Stay home today.”

Akaashi stopped in his tracks for a second. Then he laughed it off. “Don’t worry mom, I’ll be home by 10”

Bokuto rolled his eyes but decided to humor him. “It’s half past 11 though”

A cheeky grin appeared on Akaashi’s face, that didn’t resemble the Akaashi he knew at all. “10 am.”

Bokuto sighed helplessly. “I’m worried about you”, he said. And he meant it.

Sure, it wasn’t just about that. He also hated the thought of Akaashi doing god knows what with all kinds of strange guys. But he was worried too. This wasn’t like him, and it surely wasn’t healthy.

But Akaashi wouldn’t let himself be stopped, and who was Bokuto to stop him anyway?

~

When Kuroo came over one of these days, Bokuto couldn’t keep his frustration in for long. He paused in the middle of a round of Mario Kart. Kuroo turned to him in confusion. “What are you doing?”

Bokuto grabbed his giant owl pillow and wrapped his arms around it. “It’s Akaashi”, he said.

Kuroo raised an eyebrow. “What did he do?”

A sigh escaped Bokuto’s lips. “He’s… sleeping around.”

“Yeah”, Kuroo said. “I bumped into his newest conquest on my way here. He sure has a distinct type. Would have expected him to be a little less obvious about it.” The black-haired boy laughed.

Bokuto didn’t quite get, what Kuroo was implying, but he was too riled up over the issue to ask. “No, I mean. He’s really sleeping around a lot. Like every other night!”

“And? Are you sure you’re allowed to judge him? You’ve got quite the history yourself.”

Bokuto knew he was right. But at the same time, he didn’t agree at all. It was different. Bokuto had been sleeping around, because he liked it. Because he enjoyed some company, and he liked sex. He didn’t want things to get complicated, and relationships always did, so this “no strings attached” lifestyle worked for him.

But Akaashi wasn’t like that. Akaashi liked warmth and familiarity and Bokuto liked that about him. It was part of the Akaashi he knew so well.

“I just wish he would talk to me, instead of hooking up with anything with a heartbeat. He deserves so much more than that.”

Kuroo didn’t seem as worried or shocked by Akaashi’s new habits. “Let him have some fun”, he said. “I’m sure he just wants to explore a bit. He’ll deal with this on his own terms. Be a good friend and let him roam around a little. He’ll talk to you when he’s ready.”

And maybe Kuroo was right. Maybe that’s what a sensible friend should do. But lately, Bokuto wasn’t feeling like a sensible friend at all.

~

Bokuto had really tried his best, to let Akaashi roam around, like Kuroo had advised him to. But when Bokuto saw the third guy this week sneak out of the flat in the early morning, he simply couldn’t bear it anymore.

“If you must go around sleeping with someone else every night, you could at least be a little more considerate.” The words were out, before he knew it. Akaashi, who was in the middle of making coffee didn’t look up to meet his eyes. “What are you saying?”, he asked with a forced laugh.

“I hate it, okay? I’m tired of seeing guys walk in and out of this flat and I hate seeing you kiss all these douchebags in the kitchen or the bathroom or whatever and I hate knowing what you do with them in your room.”

Disbelief was written all over Akaashi’s face. "What?"

"Just stop bringing your damn hook ups home! It’s fucking disgusting!", Bokuto snapped, a little surprised at the harshness in his own voice and immediately regretting his own words.

“Oh. So that’s how you see me, huh? I’m disgusting.” Akaashi sounded dangerously calm.

Bokuto swallowed thickly. "I mean, I live here too", he said, in a much smaller voice. "Can't you just not bring them here?"

"Are you fucking kidding me?! I'm not complaining about your damn hook ups either, am I? You knew what you signed up for when you asked me to move in. It’s a little too late to decide now that you can’t handle living with a gay guy!”

Bokuto felt sick. He knew he had really, really fucked up the second their eyes met. Akaashi’s gaze was furious, it was almost scary. Bokuto had never seen him angry before. Annoyed or pissed, sure. But he was never angry, not like this and not with him. No matter what he did, Akaashi always forgave him. But this time, he wasn’t so sure. And he knew, he sorta deserved it, too.

After Bokuto didn’t reply, Akaashi left the kitchen shaking his head. “God, I don’t fucking get you.”

Me neither, Bokuto thought.

~

“Kuroo do you think I’m homophobic?”, Bokuto asked in the middle of the movie they’d been watching. He was all wrapped up in a soft blanket on the couch in Kuroo and Tsukki’s living room, a superhero movie running on the screen.

Kuroo was sitting on the floor, leaning against the couch. Bokuto’s words had him laugh but he didn’t bother looking away from the TV screen. “What? Why would I think that?”

Bokuto shrugged. “I don’t know, I just… I think I may be. I just feel so … angry all the time. And if it isn’t homophobia, I don’t know what else it could be.”

That did make the black-haired boy turn around. He looked at Bokuto in confusion. “Are you trying to pick a fight?”, he asked with a chuckle but Bokuto could see that he got tense.

“No, I mean. Not about you, not when it’s you. Tsukki and you are the cutest shit ever. But…”

“I don’t know if that makes it better, Bo.” Kuroo’s voice got all serious which didn’t happen too often.

But then again, Bokuto could see why. And he didn’t really know what to say to this either, because if someone felt bad about this it was himself. He always considered himself to be open minded and he was really happy for them when Kuroo and Tsukki finally started dating after what seemed to be an eternity of mutual pining. And when Akaashi had told him all these years ago that he was gay, Bokuto had felt thankful that Akaashi trusted him enough to talk about it.

But maybe he shouldn’t have. Maybe Bokuto wasn’t worth trusting.

“What is this about?” Kuroo asked eventually.

Bokuto shrugged. “I dunno… I’m just so frustrated.”

“Frustrated about what?”

“About Akaashi. About everything. I made a mistake, a big one, a giant one. But I just- I couldn’t stop myself.”

When Kuroo gave him a concerned look and settled down on the couch next to him, he couldn’t help but tell him about what happened. About the fight, about him saying all these unforgivable things to Akaashi.

After he was done, Bokuto didn’t dare to look up. He was way too scared of the expression Kuroo would be making.

“Wow”, he said. “That was… really shit.”

Bokuto wrapped himself tighter into the blanket. “Yeah.”

They sat in silence for what felt like a small eternity. “Do you get why I asked now?”

Kuroo nodded. “Yeah, I get it. But are sure it’s homophobia? Is that really what this is?”

Bokuto looked at him in confusion. If it wasn’t, what else could it possibly be? Why else would he go crazy, every time he saw Akaashi with another guy? Worry, maybe? But he didn’t have to worry, when Akaashi had still been with his ex-boyfriend, but he had been angry all the same.

Just when Bokuto wanted to ask what Kuroo was implying, Tsukki walked through the living room and into the kitchen. “Wow, you sure look good”, he said sarcastically with a glance at Bokuto who sat on the couch like a picture of misery.

“That’s what homophobic assholes look like”, he said without looking up.

He heard Tsukki snort at that. “You’re still moping about the Akaashi situation?”

“You told him?!”, Bokuto asked and tried to sound shocked but he really wasn’t. Kuroo shrugged. “You knew I would.”

That was true. Kuroo could keep a secret but not from Tsukki.

“Can’t believe you still haven’t realized by now. God, how can one be so oblivious?”, the blonde said while pouring himself a glass of milk. “Tsukki!”, Kuroo said strictly. “He’s got to figure it out himself!”

Tsukki half-heartedly raised his hands in surrender and walked out. “All right, all right, I’m already gone.”

“Figure what out?”, Bokuto asked in confusion but Kuroo ignored his question.

“I think you should go home and have a proper talk with Akaashi. And you should apologize to him. You went too far this time.”

Kuroo’s words made him remember the expression on Akaashi’s face, when he’d said all these things to him. It caused him to feel sick all over again. Bokuto could barely contain a sniffle. “I don’t know how to face him, Kuroo. I really, really fucked it up this time and there is nothing I can do to fix this mess.”

Kuroo gave him an encouraging pat on the back. “Sure, there is, buddy. Just talk to him. Apologize. I’m sure you two will be okay.”

Bokuto nodded, but he wasn’t feeling all that hopeful. Still, he wanted to try. He couldn’t stand the thought of losing Akaashi. He meant too much to him.

~

Akaashi wasn’t there when Bokuto came home and it made him feel restless. He paced through the flat for a bit and which made him feel even worse, so he curled up in a pile of blankets in the living room instead. He seemed to be spending quite a lot of time wrapped up in blankets feeling miserable these days.

He hadn’t been miserable, when he’d sat on the couch with Akaashi watching Christmas movies. But from there it all went downhill.

I must fix this, he thought to himself.

Bokuto wanted to make things right this time around. But the longer Akaashi kept him waiting, the harder it got to ignore the sharp pain in his chest. He couldn’t help but wonder, what he was doing. And whom he was doing it with.

He didn’t want to imagine Akaashi being with someone, but it was impossible to push the pictures in his head aside. He remembered Akaashi leaning against the kitchen counter, in the arms of his ex-boyfriend. He remembered him in the doorway giving a quick goodbye kiss to one of his hook ups. He remembered him all passionate in the hall making out with yet another stranger, probably assuming Bokuto had been long asleep.

Most of all, he remembered the nights he didn’t come home. Bokuto wondered if he would today.

He did. It was late, but he came back alone, so that was something to feel relieved about. Bokuto entangled himself from all the blankets and shuffled towards the living room's door, his heart in his mouth. He wished he could escape from this. Just wake up the next day and everything would be forgotten. But he knew that life didn’t work that way.

He stuck his head through the door frame and watched as Akaashi slipped out of his shoes. The black-haired boy turned around, as he noticed Bokuto’s presence. He couldn’t read his expression.

“Can I talk to you for a bit?”, he asked quietly, his voice unusually shaky.

Akaashi nodded and followed him into the living room, without taking his coat and scarf of. They awkwardly sat down on the couch.

Bokuto wiped his sweaty palms on his pants, unsure how to go about this.

“I’m sorry”, he whispered, his eyes fixed on his hands.

“You should be.”

He swallowed. “Yeah. I know I… I really messed up.” Bokuto felt tears welling up in his eyes and tried hard to hold them back. “I don’t know why I’m like this lately I just- I’m sorry.”

Akaashi didn’t say anything for a while. When Bokuto dared to look up Akaashi was just sitting there, seemingly unsure what to say, but clearly uncomfortable.

“That really fucking hurt, you know?” Akaashi’s voice was so choked up it made Bokuto catch his breath. He nodded.

Akaashi pressed his hands against his eyes. “I’ll just… take these off for a second”, he said and rushed out. Bokuto looked after him helplessly, wondering if he would come back or just disappear in his room for the night. But he walked back in, without his coat and scarf and with a box of tissues instead. He sat back down on the very edge of the couch and it was such a tiny thing but Bokuto felt like he’d been cut by a knife. Just a few weeks ago they had basically cuddled right here on this sofa and now Akaashi was sitting as far away as possible. Not that he could be blamed for that, though. It was just natural that he wanted to keep his distance.

“What do we do now?”, Akaashi asked and Bokuto didn’t know what he meant.

“Do about what?”

“About living together. I can- I can look for a place, but I don’t know how quickly I’ll find something.”

Bokuto couldn’t hold back a sobbing noise at that. “You want to move out?” He hadn’t even considered that this could be an option, that maybe Akaashi didn’t feel comfortable enough to stay with him any longer. But he probably should have. After all the stuff Bokuto had said to him, it really shouldn’t have come as such a surprise.

When Akaashi met his gaze, Bokuto stared into the same red and teary eyes that had sought comfort from him, what seemed to be an eternity ago.

“It’s not like I can stay, when you can’t stand being with me.”

Bokuto shook his head violently. “No, I love being with you. What I can’t stand is-”

“Does it make a difference?”, Akaashi interrupted.

“Akaashi, no, I promise, I’ll make it work! Please think about it a little longer!” Just after he said that, Bokuto’s gaze fell onto Akaashi’s neck, or more specifically the hickey that peeked out from under his collar. He immediately felt his face turn to stone. That ugly feeling in his stomach was back. He pressed his lips together and tried to not let this irrational anger show, but it was no use trying to hide it.

A sad laugh escaped Akaashi’s lips as he got up from the sofa. “You say that, but you can’t even bear seeing a mere hickey. Maybe I should stay somewhere else for a bit.”

Bokuto grabbed his wrist instinctively, and way tighter than he’d anticipated. “Where?”, he asked, and even though he meant to say it calmly, he knew it wasn’t exactly working.

“What?”

“Where are you staying?!”

“Don’t worry about that okay? Just know I’m off your back for a bit.” Akaashi wriggled his wrist free and left the room.

Bokuto knew that it wasn’t a smart choice, to go after him. But the thought of Akaashi staying somewhere else with someone else was killing him.

He watched Akaashi stuffing some clothes into a bag.

“Do you have a new boyfriend or do plan to spend every night in a different bed?”, Bokuto asked in a bitter voice and god, he really wished he hadn’t.

Akaashi glared up at him angrily. “None of your fucking business”, he hissed.

It didn’t feel like it was none of his business though.

“Just stay! Let’s talk about this!”

Bokuto didn’t think he had ever felt this desperate before. Akaashi walked past him to the bathroom and dropped his toothbrush into his bag.

“I would, but you turn every talk into yet another fight!”

He couldn’t argue with that. Akaashi was right. Of course, he was. But Bokuto felt, that if Akaashi left now, he wouldn’t come back. He’d stay at the places of all kinds of guys until he found a new boyfriend that he could move in with and then Bokuto would be left behind and he didn’t want that. More than anything, he needed Akaashi by his side. How could he just watch him be taken by someone else?

“I just don’t get why you’re so fucking angry!” Akaashi’s voice was so loud and harsh it almost made Bokuto flinch.

“Because it isn’t me!”, he shouted back, and then, in the smallest voice added “Why can’t it be me?”

Bokuto didn’t realize what he had said until he looked into Akaashi’s wide eyes. “What do you mean by that?”

Bokuto didn’t know. Or maybe he did, maybe he finally realized. All his anger and frustration suddenly made sense. He wasn’t angry about Akaashi hooking up with guys. He was angry about Akaashi hooking up with guys that weren’t him. He was jealous. He was in love.

But he didn’t dare to say it out loud. Not now, not yet, not like this.

He felt weak and tired and most of all he felt sorry. He didn’t know himself to be someone this selfish, this possessive, this quick to anger. Really, it was shameful.

“I’m sorry, I… I’ll leave you be, I promise, just… please stay”, he whispered, feeling tears well up in his eyes. He didn’t want to cry. He didn’t want Akaashi to stay out of pity, he didn’t want to guilt trip him into staying. He wanted him to feel safe enough to stay.

Akaashi sighed and he looked confused and at least as exhausted as Bokuto felt.

“Let’s just… let’s talk tomorrow”, he said weakly and disappeared into his room.

Bokuto only realized that he’d been holding his breath, when Akaashi’s door closed and he finally breathed out.

He collapsed onto his own bed, worn out from crying and shouting and fighting. He was nervous about tomorrow. But he slept better than he did in a long time. He didn’t know, if Akaashi liked him back. Or more like, he probably didn’t like him back.

But at least he finally knew what this was. He finally had a name for these feelings.

Maybe, understanding his own feelings was the first step towards being able to control them.

And maybe he would eventually overcome them.

~

Morning came quicker than expected, and when Bokuto sneaked out of his room and into the kitchen, he found Akaashi already there, making coffee. He barely looked up, when Bokuto entered.

“Want a cup as well?”, he asked.

“Sure, thank you”, Bokuto replied and he found his voice to be sounding a little off, too high pitched and raspy as though he hit puberty once more.

He sat down at the table and didn’t know what to say. He watched Akaashi, who watched the hot coffee dripping into the glass can. He didn’t sit down with Bokuto, and suddenly Bokuto felt weird for sitting, so he stood up and got two cups from the cupboard. Then he sat back down again, awkwardly waiting in silence for something to happen.

When the coffee was done, Akaashi poured some into their cups and set the can down on the table. And then he finally sat down across from Bokuto.

He took a careful sip from his cup and glanced over to Akaashi who held his warm cup between his hands, only fingertips peeking out from his sleeves.

He hadn’t expected this to be so difficult. He had thought, that now, that he knew what was going on, all he had to do was say it. But that wasn’t as easy as anticipated.

“So”, Akaashi said in a low voice. “You said something crazy yesterday.”

Bokuto tried to meet his gaze, but the other didn’t look up.

“I did”, he admitted.

Akaashi fidgeted with his cuffs. “Did you… mean that? Did you-”

“I meant it”, Bokuto interrupted and this time he did meet Akaashi’s gaze. He looked burdened.

“I meant it”, he repeated softly. “I’m sorry for what I’ve put you through. And I know, it may not sound convincing after yesterday, but I promise I’ll be better. I’ll be a better friend. I’ll get over these feelings.”

Tears gathered in Akaashi’s eyes, and Bokuto felt his heart sink. He’d been seeing Akaashi cry a lot recently. And he’d been the cause of it too often.

“What feelings?”, he whispered, barely audible.

“Are you sure, you want me to say it?”

He nodded, wiping tears from the corner of his eyes with the cuff of his sleeve.

Bokuto swallowed thickly. “I love you, Akaashi.”

The black-haired boy made a sobbing noise at that and covered his mouth with his hands.

Bokuto felt himself tear up as well. “I love you. I’m sorry.”

Akaashi shook his head violently. “Don’t be sorry.”

But how could he not be sorry when Akaashi was literally bawling his eyes out right in front of him? Why couldn’t he make this right? Why did he make Akaashi cry every time he tried to make things better?

“I’m sorry”, he repeated, his voice trembling and tears spilling out from his eyes.

Akaashi looked at him through tear-stained eyes. “No, I’m- I-” He barely managed to speak, his words interrupted by sobs over and over again and it hurt to see, hurt to listen.

“Don’t be sorry- I don’t- I- too, me too.”

Bokuto just stared at him, unsure if he understood him correctly, unsure if he got, what Akaashi meant. Because he couldn’t possibly- Akaashi had had an ex-boyfriend and a broken heart and one-night stands – how could there possibly be any space for Bokuto in all this?

But Akaashi said it again, between heavy sobs. “Me too”, he said.

“Me too, I love you.” And he smiled and he still cried and Bokuto did too.

He didn’t get it; he didn’t understand how this was a possible outcome to their situation. But maybe he didn’t need to understand. Maybe it was okay not to know for now, because, God, Akaashi said he loved him, how could anything else even matter?

Bokuto hesitantly reached out over the table and their fingers intertwined. Akaashi was still wiping the tears from his face with the sleeve of his other arm, but it seemed to be a losing battle because they just kept coming.

He had to laugh at that. It was a sniffling laugh, the kind of laugh that makes you cry a little harder again, but in a good way, in a comforting way. Like oh, I’m not alone. I’m hurting, but I’m not alone and this person cares, and suddenly it seems ridiculous to cry at all.

They still cried some more though and then they remained silent for a bit until Akaashi stated, with a voice hoarse from crying, that their coffee must be cold by now.

Bokuto laughed. “It doesn’t matter” he said and warmed both their cups up in the microwave.

“What now?”, Akaashi asked as Bokuto set the one of the reheated cups down in front of him.

Bokuto shrugged. “Christmas movie?”, he suggested with a soft smile.

The settled down on the couch with their coffee and a bowl of Christmas cookies and watched The Holiday all over again. Akaashi leaned his head against Bokuto’s shoulder and he felt a little happy about that and he knew exactly why.

He placed a light kiss to the crown of Akaashi’s hair, who snuggled up to him a little more.

“I can’t believe this is real”, Akaashi whispered.

“You can’t believe this is real? Shouldn’t that be my line?”

Akaashi tuned to face him, and Bokuto felt his breath catch, at how close their faces were.

“What? Why?” Akaashi seemed truthfully surprised.

“I mean, you’ve had a boyfriend. And these other guys. You just… didn’t seem interested?”

Akaashi chuckled. “Did you really expect me to be obvious about the crush I have on my supposedly straight best friend who happens to be my roommate? Did you really think I would take that risk?”

He had a point, Bokuto supposed. He didn’t think about that before, about the possibility of Akaashi hiding a crush he had on him. What he also hadn’t thought about was, that Akaashi was a guy and that he was a guy, and that he was supposedly straight, as Akaashi put it. He had been so relieved to finally know, what these irritating feelings were, that he hadn’t really reflected on what these feelings meant for him and his idea of himself. But he surprisingly found himself not caring too much.

“And uh… actually”, Akaashi started again.

“Actually what?”

“Actually, the reason for the breakup was that he felt like a substitute. For you.”

“Oh.”

“He was right, though”, Akaashi said, a rose tinge on his cheeks.

Bokuto looked at him in confusion. He couldn’t quite grasp that, couldn’t quite believe that Akaashi had seemingly been into him for so long.

“B-but. You were so sad?”

“I did like him. But I guess not for him, but for all the ways in which he resembled you”, he admitted and Bokuto was caught off guard by how easily, how sincerely he said that.

“I had no idea”, he whispered, his heart beating so loudly in his chest, Akaashi could probably hear it.

“That was sorta my intention, duh.” The black-haired boy chuckled, leaning back against Bokuto’s shoulder again.

Bokuto couldn’t resist pressing another zillion kisses to the crown of Akaashi’s hair. “Well, I’m glad I know now.”

“Yeah, me too.”

~

Bokuto sat on the couch in Kuroo and Tsukki’s living room, eating the cookies Kuroo had made that weekend.

They talked about this and that, but really Bokuto wasn’t following the conversation. He was fidgeting the whole time, wondering when and how to tell Kuroo.

He must have noticed, because he looked at him, clearly amused. “Spit it out already, what’s up?”

Bokuto blushed hard. “I fixed it. Sorta.”

Kuroo playfully bumped their shoulders together, an earnest smile on his lips. “Good for you, man. Was about time.”

He smiled back, a little embarrassed. “Yeah”, he agreed.

Tsukki came in and flopped down onto the couch next to him.

“Hiding from your gay roommate at your gay best friends and his gay boyfriends house again?”, he asked with a snarky grin.

Bokuto shook his head with a soft smile. “Nah, I just stopped here on my way home. Akaashi said he’d be cooking tonight”

“Oh, that means you were finally able to solve your little homophobia issue?”, the blonde asked, grabbing some cookies from the bowl in Bokuto’s lap.

Bokuto couldn’t help but blush a little. “So, uh, it turns out I don't have any problem with Akaashi kissing guys, if it's me he's kissing.”

~

He hurried back from Kuroo and Tsukki’s place through the snowy streets. It’d been a while since he’d looked forward to coming home this much. When he arrived, he heard Christmas songs playing in the kitchen. He slipped out of his boots and coat, still shivering from the cold weather outside.

When he peeked through the kitchen door, he saw Akaashi in front of the stove, in the sweater Bokuto had given him. Bokuto couldn’t help feeling a little teary-eyed at that view. He had been sure that the sweater had disappeared in the far back of Akaashi’s closet, never to be seen again. But there he was, wearing the sweater and softly humming along to the music.

He flinched, when he saw Bokuto standing in the doorway. “What?”, he asked with an annoyed voice, but the blush on Akaashi’s cheeks did not escape Bokuto’s eyes.

“Nothing”, he replied and snuggled up to Akaashi from behind. “I just really love you”, he whispered next to his ear, before placing a soft kiss on his temple.

Akaashi turned to him, a small smile on his face. Bokuto gently ran his thumb over the other boy’s lips, before bringing them closer together, slowly, almost cautiously. But Akaashi didn’t pull away. He closed his eyes, as if to reassure him.

And then their lips touched, and it was nothing like kissing a random stranger. Akaashi’s lips were warm and smooth, and Bokuto could have kept kissing him forever.

Kissing someone you actually love really makes a difference, he thought. It makes your heart race and your hands tremble.

But it also makes you feel at home.

And Bokuto felt so at home, he wondered if he had even known what a home felt like, before this.

And he knew Akaashi felt the same. He really deserved it, too, after all the stuff he’s been through lately, after all the stuff Bokuto put him through.

Akaashi deserved some calm and peace.