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The group had some rare time off. It was essentially the first time in a month that they had a day solely for themselves. They would go back to work tomorrow, a full day of recording and prepping for their upcoming album, so they were using this freedom to their advantage.
And by using it to their advantage, it meant doing literally nothing.
Jooheon, Hyunwoo, and Hoseok went out for lunch a few hours ago. Hoseok had this new seafood restaurant he’d been eager to try, and they were the only ones who were even willing to leave the dorm. Everyone else refused to get dressed, let alone get out of bed before noon.
So when they returned to find Kihyun and Minhyuk playing some video game, and Hyungwon spread out on the couch napping, they were the least bit surprised.
“Is this all you’ve done today?” Hoseok asked, referring to Minhyuk and Kihyun, whose eyes didn’t even stray from the television.
“They’ve been playing for hours.” Hyungwon said, lazily opening his eyes. “I made them stop talking about twenty minutes ago though since they were disturbing my nap.”
“Were you even napping?” Jooheon raised his eyebrows.
“I’m always on the brink of napping.” Hyungwon murmured, and then yelped when Hoseok sprawled out on top of him.
Jooheon rolled his eyes at the pair on the couch, who were now play wrestling. Or rather, Hoseok was manhandling Hyungwon, and Hyungwon was playing dead.
Since Hyungwon had spoke, both Kihyun and Minhyuk had taken the cue to speak and resume their strategic planning and bickering, bringing the room from silence to max volume all at once. Hyunwoo was nowhere to be found, and Jooheon wouldn’t have been surprised if he had retreated to his room to ditch this mess.
But Jooheon couldn’t shake the feeling that something was missing.
“Where’s the maknae?” He asked to no one in particular, but mainly to Kihyun because he was the only one who kept track of anything around there.
“In his room.” Kihyun rambled, still focused on the screen. “I tried waking him up for lunch, but he said he wanted to sleep in, so I let him. He’s been looking awful tired recently.”
“But that was three hours ago? You haven’t checked on him since?” Jooheon laughed, but deep down he was slightly nervous. It wasn’t like Changkyun to sleep this late without making any appearance at all.
Kihyun seemed to understand too, and he made it as far as pausing their game and putting his controller down before Jooheon rushed to reassure him. “Don’t worry, he’s probably just playing games on his computer. I’ll go check on him. Go back to your game.”
Kihyun seemed hesitant but nodded anyway, sharing a look with Minhyuk before resuming his game. The pair on the couch didn’t seem to notice the conversation, so Jooheon slipped away quietly into the maknae’s room.
When he opened the door, all the lights were off. The only light in the room was the sunlight faintly streaming through the closed blinds. The younger boy clearly wasn’t on his computer- Jooheon wasn’t even sure Changkyun was in here at all. Not until he heard the blankets rustle ever so slightly on his bed.
“Changkyun-ah? Are you awake?” Jooheon called softly, waiting for his eyes to adjust to the darkness so he could see Changkyun.
No confirmation came, but he heard a small sniffle. The room was eerily quiet and Jooheon was positive that Changkyun was trying to feign sleep.
“Do you want something to eat? Kihyunie hyung made kimchi jjigae, your favorite.” He tried again, but there was still no answer.
Jooheon knew he was awake though, so he quietly padded over to the maknae’s bed, but not quiet enough to startle him. He slipped off his jacket and lifted up the covers to nestle into bed with Changkyun.
Changkyun had pushed himself all the way up against the wall, so that almost his entire bed was empty. He was wearing a sweatshirt with the hood drawn up around his ears and a pair of sweats. His body was facing away from Jooheon, so when the older wrapped his arms around Changkyun’s waist, his forehead rested between Changkyun’s shoulder blades.
“Can you tell me what’s wrong bub?” Jooheon didn’t move, he just nuzzled himself into the warm body he was wrapped around. He let silence form around them until he felt Changkyun start to shake. Then the sniffles started again. Jooheon grabbed both of the boy’s arms and manuevered him so that they were facing each other.
From the faint light in the room, Jooheon could see the tears glistening on Changkyun’s face. The poor boy was still shaking and was wheezing slightly from the force of his sobs.
Jooheon’s heart shattered into a million pieces, even though they’d been here several times before.
“Oh baby.” He cooed, pulling the younger boy into his chest. Changkyun’s fingers immediately gripped the back of Jooheon’s t-shirt and he shook as sobs wracked his small body. All Jooheon could do was run his fingers softly through Changkyun’s hair and down his back, while quietly shushing him, reassuring the youngest that his hyung was here.
He had to wait until Changkyun wanted to talk about it, which could be a while.
About twenty minutes had passed before Changkyun’s heavy sobs subsided into small sniffles and his grip had lightened considerably. He was still hiding in the crook of Jooheon’s neck, but he was doing better. Jooheon’s hands continued their administrations.
“What’s up bub? Do you wanna talk now?” Jooheon asked calmly once he felt that Changkyun was calm enough to speak.
He felt a soft shrug, but Changkyun made no move to look at him.
“How are you feeling? Are you sick? Is it your head?” Jooheon felt him tense when he mentioned his head, and the pieces fell into place.
Jooheon pulled Changkyun’s face from his chest, so they were at eye level, and pushed the matted hair away from the younger’s forehead. In this situation, in this lighting, their maknae looked so scared and so vulnerable. And so young. Changkyun looked him in the eye and his bottom lip began to shake again.
“It’s your head?” He asked gently.
Changkyun nodded. “Just sad.”
His voice sounded cracked and defeated. Changkyun has his days, and today was worse than Jooheon had witnessed in a long time. Usually on his days, Changkyun liked being surrounded with love and reassurance from the rest of the boys. He is softer around the edges, a bit more reclusive, but clingy once they force it out of him. Overall, he wants distractions and lots of quality time with the people he loves most.
But on rare days like today, when he doesn’t have to get out of bed, he won’t. He can’t. And that’s just the way it is.
“What do you want hyung to do? Do you want me to get you anything? Food? Water? A movie?” Jooheon massages his head, feeling the boy immediately relax at the touch. “I could tell Kihyun and Minhyuk to shut off their stupid game and we could have a cuddle puddle.”
Changkyun smiles, albeit faintly and briefly, but shakes his head. “Can you just... lay here. With me. For a bit?”
He’s bashful when asking, and Jooheon knows he’s embarrassed. Their youngest always gets embarrassed, no matter how many times the boys tell him that he’s never an inconvenience.
“Of course bub. Just breathe deep. Try and relax. Did you sleep last night?”
“No. Kept having nightmares.” Changkyun mumbled, once again burying his head into Jooheon’s chest.
“You know they’re not real right? We love you, we wouldn’t let anything happen to you.”
“I know.” Changkyun sniffles. He pauses for a while, and when Jooheon thinks he’s almost done, he mumbles again. “It’s just hard.”
“I know baby.” Jooheon coos, lightly stroking his back. “But it’s okay, I’m here. Go to sleep.”
And he does. In only a few minutes, Changkyun’s breath evens out and he’s asleep.
At first when Changkyun started having his episodes, the boys were clueless on how to handle them. The first time it happened, Hoseok caught him crying in the bathtub at three in the morning. He was inconsolable, only calming down entirely after Hoseok held the boy in his arms.
The morning after, Changkyun had reluctantly spilled everything to the group: his history with depression and anxiety throughout his school years, his self destructive tendencies that developed when he was a trainee in his former company, and the dark thoughts that evolved around debut and that still invaded his conscience.
He claimed that he had gotten control of his attacks in the past, but recently they were becoming more intense, to the point where he couldn’t stop them like he could previously.
Since then, the boys have learned the ins and outs to Changkyun’s behaviors, such as his anxious tics and triggers. They learned how to calm him down after major episodes, and how to give reassurance and comfort in minor situations. They have become someone for him to lean on and seek out when he needs support.
Now they know Changkyun is feeling down without him having to verbalize it.
But that doesn’t mean it hurts any less to see him in a fragile state.
The bedroom door soon opens again, letting in soft light. It’s Kihyun, lingering in the doorway with a worried expression and a glass of water.
“It’s been half an hour, is he okay?” He’s hesitant to walk in, keeping his voice is low in order not to rouse the youngest.
Jooheon nods. “He’s going through a rough patch. But he’s sleeping now. Hardly slept at all last night.”
Kihyun nods, but doesn’t leave the room. Instead, he shuffles inside and closes the door behind him. He sets the glass of water down on the bedside table and kneels, so that he’s eye level with the two youngest.
“I should’ve known something was up when he didn’t want to eat.” Kihyun rests his head on his hands. “Maybe if I noticed sooner it wouldn’t have gotten this bad.”
“It’s not your fault hyung. We’ve been under so much pressure. He just needs a day for himself.” Jooheon whispers gently, patting the bed with the hand he’s been using to scratch Changkyun’s back. “Come lay down, we could use more cuddles.”
Kihyun smiles softly and climbs into bed with them, getting under the covers and wrapping his arms around Changkyun’s waist, burying his face into his back like Jooheon did earlier. Changkyun doesn’t even stir, just unconsciously tries to burrow his head further into Jooheon’s chest.
“I wish I could take all of his pain away.” Kihyun whispers faintly. They had all had this discussion many times before, but the feeling never goes away.
Jooheon hummed in acknowledgment, feeling sleep starting to take over his body. He gripped onto Changkyun’s frame tighter.
“What can we do Heonie? I want to do something.” Kihyun almost sounded in pain, but Jooheon just shushed him softly.
“We just have to be here for him, hyung. It’s all we can do.”
Jooheon could tell Kihyun was still struggling with the concept, but Jooheon knew it came from a place of genuine love and concern for their maknae. He could feel Kihyun start to relax, and they both shuffled closer together, if that was even possible. Sharing breaths in the quiet of the youngest’s shared room.
It was peaceful. They fell asleep shortly after, just like that.
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When Changkyun woke later to two sleeping hyungs wrapped around him, he smiled and went back to sleep, clutching harder onto Jooheon, and feeling Kihyun’s arms tighten around his waist at his movement.
And later, when they were all awake and he was feeling up to it, he ventured out into the living room to watch a family movie with all of his hyungs, who he loved with everything in him, and who he wouldn’t trade for the world.
(He also didn’t mind all the free cuddles, but he wouldn’t give up that information so easily.)