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Josie turns over the prism in her hands, the glass cold and solid against her palm, so much like the emptiness in her chest.
She shakes her head, tired and worn out to her bones, her body feeling as though it would crumple any second like a sand castle. She runs her fingers over the smooth glass and tries to steel herself, eyes closing and opening again and again.
The moonlight that spills through the gap in the curtains pools on the windowsill and Josie puts the prism right in the middle of it and thinks of the curly haired boy that up and left without much of a goodbye not too long ago.
I just need to talk to him once, Josie tells herself as she closes her eyes- I just need to see him one last time so I can say a proper goodbye.
She keeps her eyes closed and inhales deeply and waits for a total of four heartbeats before-
"Hey, Jojo."
Josie's breath hitches in her throat at the voice, the words, the familiarity. Her heart drops and then picks up almost instantly, thundering away at her ribcage.
That's a voice she didn't expect to hear anytime soon, a voice she didn't plan on hearing anytime soon- no matter how much every fiber of her being yearned for it, every second of every day.
A shaky breath spills from Josie's parted mouth as she forces herself to open her eyes and it takes a thousand years of effort for her to turn around, to be able to look at the source of the voice.
Josie turns around slowly and there she sits, perched at the edge of the brunette's bed, one leg crossed over the other and leaning back on the heels of her palms, poise and grace in every line of her.
Penelope Park smiles at her, green eyes sparkling with brilliance, "Missed me?"
And Josie suddenly finds it very difficult to draw proper breath; so many months without seeing that face or hearing that voice or finding herself heating up under the spotlight of that perfect smile and now she's there all of a sudden, out of nowhere and Josie doesn't quite know how to breathe anymore.
There's a hundred things that flash across Josie's mind, things that she wants to say, things that she doesn't want to say and out of one thousand and one words blaring in her head, the ones she manages to get out are,
"What are you doing here?"
Penelope tilts her head and Josie wonders how even an honest-to-god holographic version of her- straight out of Josie's subconscious- is every bit as perfect and beautiful as the real Penelope,
“Um, because you wanted to see me?”
“No,” Josie shakes her head before the words are even properly out of Penelope’s mouth, no part of her wanting to even entertain that notion, “No, I didn’t.”
“You did,” Penelope confirms, eyes watching Josie, “It’s the only reason I’d show up.”
“No,” Josie says again, more forcefully this time and picks up the prism, “You’re not the person I wanted to see. In fact, you’re the last person in this world that I would want to see. I don’t know why you’re here but it’s definitely not because I wanted to see you- because I didn’t want to see you, okay? I do not want to see you.”
Penelope regards her with curious eyes, her face a telltale look of disbelief and Josie refuses to acknowledge why her subconscious would be wearing that expression. She refuses, point blank.
“This has to be some kind of mistake,” Josie turns away from Penelope’s calculating gaze, being unable to look at her anymore or take being looked at anymore- she hates that Penelope, even as a figment of Josie’s own mind, can look at her like that and make her feel the weight of that gaze, “I’m just going to try again and focus a bit clearer and I’ll be good.”
She closes her eyes and shuts her mind off from everything for a second. When she looks again, her bed is empty. Inhaling deep once more, she allows her subconscious to seep in again and she waits a few moments with bated breath before opening her eyes again.
Penelope smiles at her a little, shoulder lifting up an inch, “Still me.”
Josie stares at her, not being able to comprehend the situation, “Wh- how?”
“Maybe,” Holographic Penelope uncrosses her legs, glances up at the taller girl, “Because it really is me that you want to see, as crazy as it sounds.”
“Don’t flatter yourself,” Josie rolls her eyes, picks up the prism and taps it against her palm, “This stupid thing is probably broken.”
Penelope looks amused, “Or you really do want me here but are too stubborn to admit it.”
“I don’t want you here, alright?” Josie turns the prism around in her hands, eyes squinted and focused on the reflecting glass, “The person I’m looking for is Landon. He’s the one I want here, not someone who up and left the first damn chance she got for her own selfish reasons, without a second thought about whoever she was leaving behind.”
“But he left too, though,” Penelope tilts her head, tone light and playful, “Landon picked up and left too- and his departure wasn’t all that selfless either.”
“It was,” Josie snaps, hints of agitation beginning to prick at her, “Because he left so that he could draw the monsters away from the school, so that nobody else would get hurt anymore. He left for the sake of other people’s safety, not because he found himself a new, fancy little school where he could run off to and never have to deal with anyone or anything that caused him even a little bit of inconvenience.”
“That’s not the whole truth and you know it,” Penelope leans forward in her place, trying to catch Josie’s eye, “That’s not even the real reason why he left. He left so that he wouldn’t have to choose between you and Hope- so that he wouldn’t have to make a decision, for himself and for you and maybe even for Hope. He left because along with driving the monsters away, it also gave him the chance to avoid doing what he needed to do because he just did not want to do it. So pray tell, Josie- how is that any less selfish?”
“It doesn’t matter, okay?” Josie throws her hands up, frustrated and angry- it’s not easy hearing things you don’t want to be told or face the truths that you’d much rather be blind towards; it’s not easy, it never is.
“Why not?” The raven haired girl presses, well aware of the fact that she’s pushing at every single button that she shouldn’t- and Josie has always known that her subconscious is her biggest enemy, she just never realized how true it was until now, “Why doesn’t it matter why he left, huh?”
Anger begins to unfurl inside Josie's chest, white-hot and quick and she shakes her head, closing her eyes as if that would help block her own subconscious out, “Because it doesn’t. It just doesn’t.”
“Stop lying to yourself, Josie,” Penelope’s voice is firm, heavy with the pressure of knowing too much, “For once, just own up to your truths. You’ve been playing this dumb game of hide and seek with yourself for months now and it’s been more than enough. So look at me now and try telling yourself something other than a white faced lie for the first time.”
“Stop talking,” Josie’s head is suddenly full of too much noise and her heart pounds and she’s just so, so angry, “Just stop talking.”
“Why doesn’t it matter, Josie?” Penelope continues, as though she can’t hear Josie at all, eyes imploring and accusing, “Why is it so, that it doesn’t matter that Landon Kirby left, but it matters like hell that Penelope Park did? Why?”
“Because I asked her to stay!” Josie explodes, her voice hitting the walls of the bedroom and ringing in her own ears, “Because I stood there and asked her not leave- I asked her to not leave me but she still did! I didn’t ask Landon to stay, I didn’t even try, I asked her! For the first time in my life, I tried to stop someone from leaving me, for the first time- and she still left me! I needed her to stay and she left me!”
Josie stands there as the room falls into a deep silence, fists balled up and chest heaving up and down fast, tears welled in those doe eyes that are fixated on Penelope’s face.
“Josie-“ Penelope starts but the taller girl shakes her head, her face a mixture of a thousand emotions.
“You,” She points her index finger at Penelope, crystal tears breaking free from dark lashes and spilling down her rosy cheeks, “You left me. I’m always left behind- people in my life, people that I love, have an affinity of leaving me right when I start to need them there- they leave just when I start getting used to having them. And I never ask them to stay, I always let them go; I always bite my tongue and let them make their choices and I stand there and accept it. But I asked you to stay. Despite everything, for the first time I stepped forward and asked for someone to stay and you didn’t. You left me, Penelope- you left me.”
Josie feels the tears rolling down her cheeks, scorching and fast, her vision blurred and her ears ringing. She keeps her gaze locked on the girl who's sitting in front of her, looking at her with those fathomless eyes with a sea of sadness roaring in them, making Josie feel like she’s drowning.
“I hate you,” Josie means for her voice to be scathing, means for her words to come out biting and unforgiving but instead they fall from her lips in a defeated whisper, choked by tears that aren’t falling, “You were the only thing, the only person I had- you were the only person who I always had, who I thought I would always have. I always thought- you were always there; despite it all, before everything fell apart and even after it, you were always there and I thought- I believed you always will be but you left. I was stupid to believe that but I did- you were the only thing I was ever sure of in my life and you took that from me and you left me and I hate you-“
Her voice gives out and she slumps down on the nearest chair, her knees suddenly too weak to carry her weight. Josie looks up at Penelope, her vision obscured by fresh tears and her heart feels like it’s going to explode, “I hate you. So much.”
A small smile curves onto Penelope’s face and it’s sweet but brimming with sadness, a little broken and a lot melancholic, “No, you don’t.”
And Josie can’t help the sob that escapes her and she lets the tears falls because it’s true; she doesn’t hate her- she never did. She never could. But it’s easier for Josie to lie to herself than allow herself to admit it because admitting it makes everything hurt a thousand times more. And it already hurts a lot.
Still, Josie allows herself to admit it, just this once, just for tonight- because she’s just so tired of running and running from her truths and her emotions, playing hide and seek with herself and with the thought of how much it really hurts to lose Penelope. She hasn’t cried for the dark haired girl since the night she left, not even once- yes, she wore her clothes and slept in her bed numerous times, in flail attempts of grasping some sort of semblance of Penelope, to have her close in some way- but she never cried for her, not after the night of the pageant.
Until now.
Until having her subconscious, her most honest feelings sitting there in front of her, wearing the face of the girl that always held Josie’s heart, the girl that has always been Josie’s biggest truth. And even though giving in to feeling all that hurt smashes into her like a freight train, it still feels like some sort of mercy in it’s own way.
Josie loses the sense of time and place in tears and heartache and the silence continues to stretch, bordering on infinite by the breath. It’s impossible to tell how long it’s been before her sobs subside and the tears stop falling and Josie becomes aware of her surroundings again. Her bedroom is still drowning in silence and Josie find herself scared, just for a moment there, that her subconscious might have dissolved.
She raises her eyes, heart skipping a beat or two in anticipation and she’s met with luminous green eyes, bright and kind as ever. Penelope smiles just a little when their eyes meet and Josie lets go of the breath she didn’t realize she was holding.
And Josie knows there’s no point in asking this question, knows that this Penelope is her own subconscious and asking her any questions would be of no use but she can’t help the words from leaving her, not when she finds herself looking at the face that has always been an open book of answers for Josie,
“Why?”
Penelope tilts her head just a little and it’s so painfully familiar, Josie wants to smack herself for having a subconscious so vivid, “Why what?”
“Why did you leave?” Josie keeps her eyes on Penelope, scared to look anywhere else, scared that she’ll disappear, “I asked you to stay. You knew I needed you to stay so why- why didn’t you?”
Penelope leans forward, laces her fingers together, “Because you didn’t give me a reason to.”
“I did,” Josie forces the words out, the night of the pageant clear as a bell in her head, “I told you- I said don’t leave. I told you not to leave.”
“That wasn’t a reason, Josie,” Penelope looks sad, defeated, “You know it wasn’t, not even close to it. Asking her to stay wasn’t giving her a reason. Those are two completely different things.”
“What else was I supposed to do?” Josie says helplessly, “She was leaving, right in front of my eyes- what was I supposed to do? What was I supposed to say? What reason could I have possibly given her?”
“You know what reason she asked for,” Penelope drops her gaze to her hands, thumb rubbing rhythmically against her palm- one of Penelope’s telling habits that Josie’s subconscious had apparently picked up, “You always knew what reason she was asking for all those weeks and months- it wasn’t even that much, Josie- just one would have been more than enough for her. You just had to stand up for yourself, even just once- that’s all she was asking for, just that one thing to make her believe that it all hadn't been in vain. She did everything for you- gave you everything you ever wanted, everything you didn’t even realize you wanted, things you held yourself back from wanting- and you couldn’t even give her that one instance?”
Josie closes her eyes, pushing her fingers through her hair- a drumbeat like pain beginning to pulse in her head.
“And you know- it was hurting her too, everything that was going on- she was hurting.”
The words cause Josie to look up again, settling in her chest with a painful weight, “What?”
“She did everything she did for a specific reason,” Penelope says slowly, quietly- eyes cast on the pool of moonlight where the prism glitters, “To build you up- a helping hand in trying to save your life some day, in the long run. She did it for all the right reasons but that doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt- you weren’t the only one who was hurting, Josie- she was too, you both were- but the only difference was that you could at least openly mourn your pain and your broken heart but Penelope couldn’t. She was hurting just as much as you, if not more- she too had lost the person she loved, had broken your heart but not without breaking her own first, had loved you and loved you and purposefully lost you and then continued to love you while facing your hatred every day. At least you could forget about your pain in hatred- and hating her made the pain a lot more bearable, didn’t it? Penelope didn’t have anything that could’ve made her pain bearable, Josie- except maybe the hope that you’ll come out of it stronger. But you didn’t give her that either.”
Josie stares at the girl sitting before her, her vision cloudy with tears yet again and her heart aching in a way it never did before- the pain of Penelope’s sacrifice truly dawning on her for the first time and when it does, it tugs at her heart so forcefully, she feels as though it’s going to pull it apart all over again.
All of your selfish, obnoxious and evil meddling.
What was it that was so selfish of her, after all? What was it that she did to be called selfish or evil or all of those dozen other hurtful things Josie hurled at her?
I happen to be the latter.
Josie called her selfish, implied it, indicated it- multiple times and Penelope never paused to correct her, never demanded a justification from Josie for it, or from anyone for painting her as the evil incarnate, the absolute villain of Josie’s story. And not only did she let them get away with it, she also owned it all- she owned up to being selfish, being the bad guy just so she could solidify Josie's self-made justifications for hating her because she thought hating her would somehow make Josie stronger and give her the fire, the push that she needed to learn to stand up for herself.
And sitting here alone in her room- confronting and being confronted by her deepest subconscious and the boldest of truths for the first time- Josie Saltzman, for the life of her, can not find one reason to brand Penelope Park selfish.
She looks at the prism’s magical projection of her subconscious in the form of the girl Josie has always loved more than words, but could never love in the right way- and her heart aches at the thought.
“She was hurting too much, wasn’t she?” The words fall in a whisper from Josie’s mouth, her eyes trained on the bow of Penelope’s head, “She was hurting because of me.”
Penelope looks up, her face a visual representation of the pain Josie feels inside, “She broke your heart but not without breaking her own. She broke herself apart from inside out trying to build you up and she let it happen until she absolutely couldn’t take it anymore. She had to leave, Josie- you know she did.”
Josie nods and a few tears roll down her cheeks but for the first time, those tears aren’t because of Penelope, they are for her and the pain she’s been through just because she loved Josie more than words and in all the right ways.
And Josie wonders why she couldn’t love that girl the way she deserved to be loved.
Silence reclaims them and the room again but the noise inside Josie is deafening, bright and roaring.
“You miss her, don’t you?”
Josie opens her eyes to find Penelope looking at the journal perched on Josie’s bedside table. She meets Josie’s eyes- a soft, knowing smile beginning to bloom across her perfect mouth.
“No,” Josie drops her gaze and quickly dashes away her tears, her stomach flipping over, “I don’t.”
“Sleeping in her room, wearing her clothes, deliberately never bringing her up in any conversation and pretending like you didn’t hear when her name does come up somewhere, making extra effort to go about your life as if Penelope Park never existed in it,” The shorter girl’s smile grows with every word until she’s almost chuckling, “Perfecting that stoic expression so it doesn’t give away the way your heart reacts to the mention of that name, keeping her journal beside your bed and checking it too often even though you have absolutely no use of it anymore- you miss her, Josie Saltzman, you miss her oh so terribly much.”
Every single one of Josie’s instincts is struggling to deny everything Penelope’s just said but she knows it’s absolutely useless- there’s no point in denying it because it’s literally her own subconscious and it’s only voicing out everything Josie’s been fighting to keep buried deep in the utter most hidden parts of herself. But it’s no use. Because the truth is, she does miss Penelope- she misses her with every little beat of her heart. So she stays quiet, trying to ignore the void in her chest that howls with the echo of Penelope’s laugh and pulses with the ghost of her soft touch.
“Call her, Josie,” Penelope suggests, watching Josie from across the room, “It’s not hard for you to find a way to contact her. Call her, tell her how much you miss her- tell her everything.”
“I can’t,” Josie shakes her head slowly, her chest feeling a bit too tight to draw easy breath, “I can’t, yet. I haven’t been myself for months, I’ve been doing things I would never do, saying things, hurting people- it’s not me but somehow it’s what I’ve become over the past couple months and I can’t- I can’t let Penelope see me this way.”
“It wouldn’t matter to her and you know it,” Penelope says softly, her voice calm and gentle, “You, Josie Saltzman, are the sun in Penelope’s world- you always have been and there will never be a day where that doesn’t stand true. And you might not think so but there’s nothing that you could possibly do that would ever make her think anything less than the world of you. No matter what happens, no matter what you do, she’s always going to look at you as if you’re nothing short of a miracle come to life.”
Tears begin to well up in Josie’s eyes again, her mind flashing with images and memories of Penelope looking at her with oceans of infinite love and tenderness in her eyes and she knows it’s true- she doesn’t have to worry about Penelope thinking any less of her because of the things she’s done.
“I know,” She whispers, reaching up to wipe away her tears, “I know but- She doesn’t deserve to have even more to worry about because of me. I have so much to figure out and I have to set myself right- I need to find my way back to myself. Because I want to reach for her when I can give her a reason to come back and I want to be able to give her every reason to stay.”
Penelope smiles at that and her whole face lights up, so much like the real Penelope and suddenly Josie wants nothing more than to run to her and wrap her in her arms and never let go.
But she can’t. Not yet. And she knows it’s going to be a while before she’ll be able to do it but Josie is willing to wait and to make sure that when it happens, she’s done everything in her power to deserve it.
They sit in silence there in silence, her and Penelope, just watching each other and Josie drinks in the sight of Penelope’s face, the curve of her mouth, the shape of her eyes, the proud line of her nose and the stud that gleams against her caramel skin, the arch of her cheekbones and Josie aches with how much she misses her.
The prism’s projection of Penelope looks like Josie’s favorite memory of her- how Penelope had looked the day they had their first kiss. She’s wearing dark trousers and heels and that same white shirt that Josie used to ask her to wear again and again, the shirt that Josie wore every other day after Penelope left, the one that now sits folded in Josie’s drawer because it hurts too much to even look at it anymore.
“Enjoying the view, Jojo?”
Josie blinks out of her stupor, meeting Penelope’s teasing smile and those too green eyes dancing with amusement. She shakes her head minutely, cheeks warming up just a little, “Whatever.”
Penelope throws her head back and laughs and everything about it is so familiar and welcomed that Josie wants this moment to freeze in time forever, reducing the whole world to these confines of Josie’s room.
She keeps her eyes on Penelope, watching her laugh, unable to look away from the way her eyes screw shut and her nose scrunches up and how it makes Josie’s heart flip a dozen times over without fail. She’s too compelled by the moment to stop herself when the question topples out, voicing a thought Josie has found herself entertaining far too much,
“Do you miss me?”
Penelope cants her head just a little, her laughter coming down to a bright smile and she leans back on her palms again,
“Oh, I don’t know, Jojo,” She stretches the words out dramatically, her signature playful smirk fully on display, “I might be too distracted by, you know, Belgium and incredibly hot Europeans and whatnot.”
Josie can’t stop herself from letting out a small laugh, causing Penelope to grin even wider. The brunette shakes her head again, rubbing her sleeve across her eyes to wipe off any remaining tears, a smile still playing on her face, “Even in my subconscious, you’re a royal, class-A jerk.”
Penelope shrugs, eyes dancing with mirth, “What can I say, I do leave quite profound impressions on the mind.”
Josie rolls her eyes, still unable to smear off her smile, fingers toying with the hem of her shirt.
“Josie?”
She looks to Penelope again and the latter offers her a small smile, “You know she misses you. It shouldn’t even be a question. She misses you to all the possible extremes, as much as anyone is capable of missing another person.”
The words settle over Josie’s heart like a warm blanket on a cold night, bringing her quivering heartbeats and latent fear of being forgotten to an easy rest. She nods, managing to match Penelope’s smile, “Yeah.”
The moment stretches and holds between them and Josie doesn’t know how long they stay like that until the clock tower out on the school grounds chimes the hour, announcing midnight. Josie knows Lizzie’s been with Hope the entire evening, the two of them cooped up in the library researching the myth of prison worlds for a change.
Given the fact that she doesn’t know when Lizzie would be coming back and Josie would rather not have Lizzie see her subconscious in Penelope’s form, she decides to call it a night. She knows she could just will the holograph to disappear but looking in those endlessly green eyes, Josie doesn’t have the slightest heart to do it- she doesn’t have the heart to have Penelope so close and watch her dissolve into thin air before her eyes again; after all, there’s only too many times you can stand there and watch a loved one slip away.
So she gets to her feet and makes her way over to her bed, Penelope’s eyes on her the entire time as she slips past her and settles under the covers. She looks at Penelope, who’s looking down at her, expression all shades of amused but saying nothing.
“You were right, you know.”
Penelope quirks up an eyebrow, “About?”
“I did want to see her,” Josie’s eyes flicker down to where Penelope’s hand is resting on the covers and the yearning is too much to resist so she reaches out reluctantly, her own hand falling next to Penelope’s- painstakingly close but not quite touching, “It wasn’t Landon, it wasn’t anyone else in the world- it was her. She was the one I wanted to see. She always is- every second, everyday.”
The smile lines around Penelope’s eyes crinkle, “I know.”
Josie stares at their hands, her heart and mind racing alike- too many thoughts swirling inside her head, threatening to spill out. She raises her eyes to Penelope again, braces herself for the next moment, “I don’t hate her.”
Penelope’s smile doesn’t waver, perhaps only deepens, if anything, “I know.”
Josie tries to search for something in her expression, doesn’t really know what she’s searching for herself, “Does she know?”
Penelope shakes her head, her smiles finally fading away, “No.”
Josie’s heart drops- she doesn’t know why it does, considering the fact that this answer was expected, but her heart sinks nonetheless.
“You only showed her resentment and hostility and contempt for so many months,” Penelope says quietly, “She might have tried to brush past it in the beginning but at some point, she started to believe you. She could only be blind to such blunt declaration of emotions for too long, right? When she said she knows that you hate her, she meant it- you made her believe that you do.”
Josie closes her eyes, her headache returning and the weight on her heart increasing by tenfold,
“I’ll fix it,” She whispers to herself before looking at Penelope again, “I’ll fix it all. She should know- she has to know I don’t hate her. I never could- even when she was breaking my heart and pulling the ground from under me every day, I couldn’t hate her. And I’ll let her know it, I have to.”
Penelope watches her for a minute too long before she gives her head a minuscule nod, “You do.”
The room submerges into silence again and it’s the most comfortable silence Josie has ever found herself experiencing. She doesn’t know how long she stays awake- just watching Penelope at her side, doesn’t know when sleep claims her, doesn’t know anything except that Penelope is the only thing in the world before she loses it to the nothingness of slumber.
And when she wakes up in the morning, the room is entirely empty with no traces of last night even existing, but Josie swears she can smell the faint linger of Penelope’s too expensive perfume in the cold air.
The morning sun is bursting through the windows, bathing the whole room in liquid gold and Josie doesn’t remember the last time she slept this peacefully, doesn’t remember the last time it was this easy to make it through the night without some sort of fear jerking her awake.
Penelope’s face appears at the forefront of her mind again, the memory of her smile ghosting along Josie’s skin and she reaches out, plucking the leather-bound journal off the side table. Placing it in her lap, Josie gently traces her fingertips over Penelope’s name, inked in the raven haired witch’s own elegant cursive and her heart swells with too many emotions to really name.
“I’ll find a reason for you to stay, Pen,” Josie breathes out quietly, with every ounce of honesty in her being, “One day we'll see each other again and when that happens- I promise you, I'll have your reason to stay.”