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“Pete, you gotta let go, I’m gonna catch you.”
Tony woke up with a start, sitting up straight in bed - Pepper stirring slightly in her sleep. His heart was racing, taking deep, gulping breaths as he tried to calm down.
The room was quiet, the moonlight streaming in from the windows - just barely touching the edge of their bed, Pepper’s soft snoring the only sound in the room aside from his beating heart.
“It’s okay. You’re okay.”
Tony winces at the words rattling around in his head, bringing his knees up as he tries to even his breathing - putting his head in his hands as forces his lungs to work and his mind to stop racing.
“I’m sorry.”
Tony shudders, shaking his head - the movement being enough to cause Pepper to stir once more, Tony both wishing he’d held it together enough that it wouldn’t wake her and yet desperately needing her to be awake and affirm for him what he already knew to be true.
“Tony?” She whispers sleepily, Tony still shaking slightly as he answers.
“Pep.” Pepper immediately sits up, recognizing the tone of his voice - relaxing slightly at her soft hands coming up to rest on his shoulder.
“I’m here,” she says, the sleep still thick in her voice as Tony leans into her touch, feeling her arms embrace him as he sighs.
“It’s like--it felt so real, Pep. It’s--”
“It’s okay, Tony. I’m here. You’re okay.” Pepper murmurs, Tony allowing her words to wash over him like the balm that they were.
It had been ten years. Ten years and Tony still couldn’t reconcile with his failure.
Ten years since his greatest nightmare had come true. Ten years since he’d held Peter in his arms, feeling him fade away into nothing - his last words before he did still ringing in his ears.
Tony shakes his head again, feeling his shoulders start to shake again - the sob building in his throat before he could stop it, Pepper still softly whispering to him.
It was unfathomable, a living nightmare at the idea that Peter had been scared as he crumbled away into dust - Tony being completely powerless to stop it.
Ten years. Ten years .
“Tony, Tony look at me.” Pepper’s voice starts to come back into focus, bringing his head out of his hands - his vision blurring from the tears as he looked into her eyes.
“It’s not real.”
“Pep--” Tony’s voice catches, one of her hands moving to his face, wiping away some of the tears that had fallen with her thumb.
“He’s not gone, Tony. It’s not real. He’s okay, everyone’s okay.”
He knows it - rationally and emotionally - but Pepper’s words soothe him, the moonlighting chasing the shadows away as she continues.
“Look at me.” Tony does, holding on to her words like an anchor - the soft smile on her face calming his racing heart.
“You’re in the city. You’re with me. Morgan’s in the other room, sleeping.”
“I lost him, Pep. I let him--he--”
“You didn’t lose him, Tony.” Pepper’s voice carries through the still bedroom, the faint scent of her coconut shampoo in the room as she leaned closer. “He’s okay.”
Tony knows what she’s saying is true, closing his eyes as he slowly starts to nod his head.
Ten years since Titan and it still haunts Tony more than anything he’s faced.
Drifting off into space for weeks, thinking he was going to die in the middle of nowhere - day spent in agony, from hunger and from the depths of his grief - reliving the moment Peter died over and over in an endless loop, cursing that he’d ever walked into Peter’s life only to feel even more guilt at the thought - wondering how he’d ever lived without Peter.
Or how he was going to live without him going forward.
On some level, Tony almost wished for death - believing that it would be a mercy, knowing that Peter was gone and that Pepper might have been.
But then he didn’t, brought back to earth before he could even blink - passing out in Rhodey’s arms as he and Pepper ran to greet him.
If Tony had been honest with himself, at the time he would’ve been content just to disappear - even Pepper and Rhodey by his side doing nothing to quell the grief that threatened to overwhelm him.
But when he did, he had thought he was hallucinating - Peter’s brown eyes staring into his as he did, his heart rate monitor beeping wildly at the sight.
He could still hear Peter’s voice, the wide-eyed concern as he yelled for help - only for Pepper to rush in, May right after her, Tony looking on in confusion.
“What-- what the hell--”
“Tony, it’s okay. Look at me, look at me. You’re okay.” Tony did, shaking his head furiously as he glanced over to Peter, seeing the fear and worry in his eyes.
“Is this-- is this real?”
He turned back to Pepper, seeing the tears in her eyes as she smiled. “You’re okay, everyone’s okay.”
Tony looked back to Peter, May’s grip on his shoulder so tight as they both stared at him. Tony blinked a few times, thinking every time that he did so that they’d disappear but they didn’t - his heart still skipping a beat when Peter spoke.
“Mr. Stark?”
Tony had shuddered, closing his eyes as he held on to Pepper - opening them again to see May and Peter sharing a look before looking back to him, May going to speak.
“Tony, I--I don’t know what’s going on. I only know what James and--”
“What happened?” Tony cuts May off, the question directed more towards Pepper even as his eyes stayed locked onto Peter.
She told him, Tony not really hearing the story - having to hear it again from Rhodey later, to focused on Peter and the fact that he was breathing, alive , right in front of him.
They’d found Thanos, not long after he’d used the stones. The glowing woman who saved him, Carol he later learned - had made a stop beforehand, something to do with a beeper that Fury had given her, the details rambling around in Tony’s head.
The blue woman who’d been on the ship with him - Nebula - his mind provided, had gone with her as well as the rest of the team, decapitating a weakened Thanos and confiscating the stones.
Tony had been in and out of it for a week but that’s all it took, bringing the world back with a snap of Carol’s fingers - using an old gauntlet from a friend from Thor’s.
And just like that, the world was made right - as much as it could be, three weeks after half the universe had been blipped out of existence.
It was chaos, the world had devolved into chaos in the interim - but Tony couldn’t help but think that if any more time had passed, how much worse it could’ve been.
It wasn’t until hours later that he’d really started to accept the truth, Tony waking up again to find himself alone in his room save for one person - watching as Peter started to nod off, the sight of him warming him from the inside out.
“Kid?”
Peter’s eyes snapped open at that, hurriedly rubbing his eyes as he leaned forward. “Mr. Stark, are you okay? Is everything--”
Tony waved his hand around, the IV tangling slightly as he did - reaching it out, Peter studying it for a second before slipping his hand into his.
It was the most physical contact they’d had since Tony had held him as he died - dusted , whatever the hell people were calling it - but it was grounding, tightening his grip as he shook his head.
“You’re alive.”
Peter smiled at that, a haunted look in his eyes as he nodded as head. “Yeah, yeah I’m okay. But Mr. Stark, are you--”
He squeezed Peter’s hands, shaking his head.
“I’m fine, kid.” Tony closed his eyes, holding on to Peter’s hand like the lifeline it was.
“Everything’s okay.”
The memory of that moment in a quiet room in the Compound comes back to Tony as he and Pepper walk up the stairs, Morgan running ahead of them.
“Dad, hurry up!” Pepper laughs beside him, Tony adjusting the massive amount of presents in his arms as he smirked.
“Your daughter is impatient.” Tony muttered, Pepper laughing more as they turned on the landing, walking up the final flight of stairs.
“When she’s acting like that,” Pepper says, taking the final step, “she’s your daughter.”
“Ugh, come on .” Morgan says again, Tony catching the slight roll of her eyes before she rushes forward - running towards the door they were headed towards.
But before she can even knock, the door swings open - Tony smiling as he takes him in, the sight of him still sending shockwaves to the system.
It’d been ten years since Peter had died in his arms. Ten years since he’d been brought back.
But the memories and the nightmares of Titan still terrified him, the only thing keeping him from calling Peter in the middle of the night like he had done so many times before being the knowledge that he was going to see him today.
And there he was, looking more grown up than Tony could’ve imagined - even if twenty-six was hardly grown in terms of a life span.
Yet for a moment - no matter how fleeting, no matter how many years had passed - Tony had thought that Peter wouldn’t get to live past sixteen.
He was thankful for any reminder that he did.
“Mo, where’s the fire?” Peter exclaimed, laughing as she barreled into him, Peter glancing up to see Pepper and Tony behind her.
“Where’s the baby?” Morgan asks, Peter hugging her before she lets him go, moving out of the way to let them in.
“Hey Pep, Tony.” He nods towards the both of them, the smile on his face as Morgan rushes forward. Peter closes the door behind them only to reach for the gifts in Tony’s hand, a sheepish grin on his face that reminds Tony so much of the kid he’d been when he met him.
“Tony, what is this?”
“Gifts for the kid.” Tony says as if it was obvious, catching Peter’s eye roll as he takes them from him.
“He’s not even a month old, Tony. He doesn’t need--” Peter eyes the mountain of presents, giving Tony the once-over, “What exactly is all this?”
Tony waves his hand dismissively, Pepper’s soft laughter from beside him only making Peter give them both a look. “Nothing the kid won’t use eventually. First chemistry set, first microscope, first--”
“For fuck’s sake, Tony.” Michelle’s voice greets the two of them, Tony beaming at her as she walks in, “You didn’t have to buy him the whole store.”
“Have you met me, Michelle? I don’t do anything half-assed.” She laughs, coming up to hug the two of them - Tony’s arms wrapping around her as he glances to Peter, seeing his smile as he turns towards the living room.
“Come on, May and Hap are already here.” Michelle says, leaning out of the hug while Pepper and Tony follow in after her.
Tony takes in the tiny apartment, one that he’d argued on more than one occasion that he could easily buy them a building if they wanted - only for Peter and Michelle to put their foot down, insistent on making their own way into the world on their own terms.
It was a part of growing up, thinking back to that first argument about it - and the many since, though they were more teasing now than they had been originally. He and Michelle hadn’t gone along all that well when they first met, Peter introducing the two of them at the start of his senior year.
But they’d found room for each other, united at first by their mutual love for Peter before settling into a friendship that was completely their own.
He loved her like a daughter now, just as important to him as Morgan - smiling as he watched Morgan rush over to Michelle, eyes bright and sparkling as she squealed.
“He’s so cute .” Morgan whispered, Tony’s attention being drawn to where May was sitting, holding Ben in her arms as Happy looked over her shoulder.
“Yeah Mo, it’s science. Nature makes them that way so we keep them around.” Michelle joked affectionately, tweaking Morgan’s side as she took Michelle’s hand, leading her forward.
Pepper went up to greet May, Tony catching her eye as she glanced up - a warm smile on her face as she nodded towards him.
But Tony didn’t walk forward just yet, taking in the apartment once more - and the life that Peter had created, a life that Peter so richly deserved.
The fridge hummed quietly in the background, the books and odds and ends that he and Michelle had accumulated during their time in college - the soft glow of the Christmas lights twinkling in the background and the flicker of the menorah blending together to create a sense of warmth that had nothing to do with the heat of the candles or the amount of people in the apartment.
It was a sense of home, a safety and a peace that only came from living a life well-loved - Peter coming up to stand by him, nudging him with his elbow.
Tony turned to face him, studying his broad shoulders and his tired smile, the look on his face of a new parent that inexplicably reminded him of himself eight years ago.
“You alright old man?”
Tony smirked, nudging Peter back as he grinned. “Who you calling old man? Only went gray cause of you, kid.”
Peter smiled, before looking over to where everyone was crowded around - Tony’s eyes still on Peter as he says, “I don’t know how you do it, Tony.”
“Do what?”
Peter looks back to him, a fear in his eyes that Tony recognizes. “How do you just, not freak out all the time?”
“I have anxiety, Pete. You’re gonna have to be a bit more---”
“I can’t sleep. I mean, I never sleep. Ben’s not sleeping well.” Peter starts to ramble, eyes downcast as he quietly whispered, running a hand through his hair. “But even when he does, it’s like I can’t-- I can’t stop watching. Like I just keep staring, making sure he’s breathing, terrified that he’s-- I don’t--”
Peter lets out a breath, shaking his head as he meets Tony’s eyes once more. “I don’t know how to protect him.”
Tony smiles, reaching a hand over Peter’s shoulders - holding him close. “Kid, he’s three weeks old. You don’t have to--”
“What if I make a mistake? What if--” Peter takes a shuddering breath, Tony’s grip tightening. “What if I end up…”
Tony immediately gets a sense for where the conversation is going, glancing around the room - glad to see that everyone is oriented still around the baby.
Everyone except Michelle, her eyes trained on the two of them.
Neither of them say a word but Michelle communicates volumes to him, a subtle nod of her head giving Tony all the confirmation he needs to rustle Peter’s shoulders, gently pushing him towards their bedroom.
“Let’s go talk over here, okay?”
Peter nods, Tony following along wordlessly as he meets Michelle’s eyes again, another nod and a thankful smile as he moved forward and follows into the room.
Tony goes and sits on the edge of the bed, waiting as Peter paces back and forth.
“MJ says I’m overthinking things.”
“She’s a smart woman, that MJ.” Tony answers, watching intently as Peter continues to pace.
“She is, she’s-- she’s amazing.” Peter sighs, his hand ruffling through his hair so much it starts to stick straight up. “I mean she went through fucking eighteen hours of labor, she’s up with Ben when I go out on patrol but Tony,” Peter stands in place, looking back to Tony with a tortured expression on his face.
“I don’t know what to do.”
“About…?” Tony gently asks, having a guess for where the conversation is going but wanting to be sure.
“I-- before Ben, Spider-Man was the most important thing. Not--not the most important, I mean I had May and you and then MJ but,” his shoulders sag, shaking his head furiously. “But now Ben’s-- Ben’s here. He’s here and all I can think is that I’m going to go out someday and I won’t--”
Peter’s voice hitches, Tony swallowing something down in his own throat as he continues.
“What if I don’t come home?”
It’s Tony’s nightmare too, not just Titan but the ever-present threat of Peter meeting his end long before his time, especially now that he’d long since retired as Iron Man and Peter was the one who led the Avengers.
He had been waiting for when Peter would have this crisis, Michelle having her own when she’d found out she was pregnant - cornering Tony in their penthouse a few months in.
He’d promised her then what he was about to promise Peter now, the only kind of comfort he could give.
That no matter what happened, Peter wouldn’t be alone - neither of them would be.
Peter had died once.
Tony would do anything to ensure it would never happen again.
“You will.”
“Tony--” Peter begins but Tony cuts him off, standing.
“You will. You will come home, kid. You dying?” They both wince, Tony’s own memories of the time he had rushing back to him as he tries to swallow it down. “It’s not an option.”
“You can’t guarantee that. You can’t know--”
“No, I can’t.” Tony says, looking into Peter’s eyes. “Even if you stopped being Spider-Man, hung up the suit and called it a day, you wouldn’t be able to guarantee anything.”
The look in Peter’s eyes betrays him, a twinge of something that confirms what he already knew. Peter wouldn’t give up being Spider-Man, too burdened with a purpose to look out for the little guy even now.
But the guilt of what his extracurricular activities could do for his family - a family that not even a month ago had expanded by one - clearly weighed on him, making him look much older than his years.
Tony takes a deep breath, bringing his hands out to Peter’s shoulders - forcing him to look at him.
“But that’s not gonna happen to you alright? It won’t, you wanna know why?”
Peter just waits, Tony smiling as he continues. “Cause you got someone to come home to, even more than you did before.”
It wasn’t enough - Tony knew that even as he said it, the memory of his time in the Milano coming back to him.
But Peter didn’t realism now, he needed hope - the kind of hope that Tony didn’t really believe in himself, had it not been for the miracle of having Peter standing in front of him - even now, a sight that bowled him over with gratitude.
Peter nods his head, Tony knowing he was only verbalizing the very things that Peter had likely told himself before.
But as any kid needed - even if that kid had a kid themselves - the affirmation of what they already knew, or need to hear, was still appreciated.
Tony can see the tears in Peter’s eyes, quickly wiping them away as Tony smiles.
“Sorry--sorry, Tony. I know it’s the holidays, but--”
“Don’t be sorry, kid.” Tony whispers, heart twinging at how grown and yet how young Peter was - the panic borne out of exhaustion but also a much deeper fear, knowing that he was likely wrestling with the loss of his parents and his uncle now more than ever.
“It’s just hard, you know?” Peter whispers back, nodding towards the door. “I just want to keep them safe, just want-- want to make sure everyone’s okay.”
Tony smiled, bringing Peter into a hug - Peter wrapping his arms around Tony as he shudders, knowing that the tears he was trying to hold back would likely be falling freely now.
“We’re together, Pete. We’re all here for you, always. You know that.”
Peter just hugs him tighter, Tony returning it until Peter’s arms start to loosen - leaning back out of the embrace as Peter nods.
“Yeah, yeah I do.”
Tony smiles, taking everything in.
Ten years since his greatest nightmare had come to life. And yet now, Tony could see so clearly that Peter had his own nightmares now - ones that there would be nothing that Tony could really do to take away.
But he could be there for him, as he promised he always would - a promise he’d made ten years ago in a quiet room in the Compound.
A promise he’d spend a lifetime trying to fulfill.
“You’re okay, Pete.”
Peter smiles back, Tony bringing a hand to face.
“Everything’s okay.”