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Falling asleep was supposed to be easy after the day they had, her body still working to heal and her eyes heavy enough to let her rest, but there was a thrumming that had snuck into her chest that kept her from sleep.
Falling asleep was supposed to be easy, Hope thought, staring blindly at her old bedroom ceiling. Except, it seems, when Josie Saltzman was on your mind.
The history she shared with the twins before Malivore and the monsters had been rocky at best and it was hard to imagine she’d one day be sitting in their room, eating ice-cream that Lizzie had snuck out of the kitchen and stealing glances at Josie as her sister raved on about boys and payback and punishment.
A part of her knew it was more a way to distract them all from the heartache that Landon left in his wake and less about actual revenge, but another part knew it might very well only be for the night; that tomorrow would be a whole other story if Lizzie was given half the chance.
For a second Hope wondered if she needed to warn MG, giving a soft laugh at the thought of him being cornered by an angry Lizzie. Maybe, she mused, resting her hands on her chest when the thrumming started spreading into her fingertips.
It must have been the way she placed her hands, fingertips feather-light and warm against each other but suddenly it was like she could still feels Josie’s hand in hers.
Something had shifted between them tonight, something more than them relearning how to be friends after loving and losing the same boy. Something more to do with old memories she had been forced to dig up these past few weeks, moments revisited of a time when things were so different and yet still so familiar.
Maybe falling asleep wasn’t supposed to be easy, but loving Josie certainly was.
“This is insane,” she whispered, reaching for the bedside lamp and sitting up, her eyes taking a second to adjust to the light before her gaze shifted across her room. The twins had both been adamant in suggesting she move back into her old room, and though most of her personal belongings had either been disposed of or stored in unmarked boxes, her eyes were immediately drawn to the open notebook left haphazardly strewn across her dust-covered desk.
Somebody must be using her pen.
It was nothing more than a passing comment, something said to fill the silence Hope’s confession had conjured, but those six little words echoing inside her head was all it took to break the spell that kept her frozen in place.
Tossing the sheets aside, Hope soon found herself rummaging through her old mostly-empty drawers, eagerly searching until finally, hidden in the farthest corner of a dresser, she found Penelope’s gift and she couldn’t help but give a grateful smile at the fact that she was too tired to dispose of the pen the day she received it, and suspicious enough not to have used it until now.
She made her way back to bed slowly, her mind already running through what to say as she settled cross-legged under the covers with the open notebook in her lap.
Maybe it was the stillness and comfort the night offered, just knowing the moments they shared were kept safe and secret from the daylight and its insecurities making her brave enough to find comfort in the gentle press of the pen against the page.
There are very few things in this world that I am certain of, especially after everything that we’ve been through this past year. As if the world wasn’t crazy enough...
I’d be lying if I said I regret giving myself up, that sacrificing myself wasn’t worth even the slightest hope that you and everyone I cared about would be safe.
I don’t want to lie to you. You deserve the truth after all the pain my choice has put you through.
I never thought you’d have to remember me, but I want you to know that I was always thinking about you, even before I came back.
I meant it when I said I missed you. You were one of the few things I could be certain of, knowing that you’d be there for me when I needed you. And though things might be different now, I hope I didn’t cost us that.
And Josie, if you ever want to talk, come find me, okay?
Hope
* * *
It seemed almost unfair to Josie how easily Lizzie had been able to fall asleep while she was left tossing and turning in her bed, thoughts of her conversation with Hope and Landon’s letter only barely outweighing the exhaustion that lingered in her bones.
He made his choice.
Her own words were echoing in her mind, and for a moment she wondered how it all came to this. How, even in a world filled with so many inexplicable wonders, she was supposed to fit two lives, two loves and two losses into one moment.
A part of her wanted to believe that Landon leaving had been a grace. That, despite the heartache she felt settling in her chest, him making his choice saved her from making one of her own that would inevitably be hers to regret.
A faint scratching whispered across the dark room and Josie’s heart stilled, dread settling low in her chest. Her mind still reeling from the first, Josie was sure she would not be able to handle another letter from Landon.
She sat up quietly, eyes trained in Lizzie’s direction and carefully turning on her bedside lamp, hoping beyond hope that her sister wouldn’t wake up. When she’s sure Lizzie’s sleeping form didn’t so much as twitch, she reached for Penelope’s book where she had set it aside earlier that night.
It took a second for her to focus, words strung into sentences with no indication of who it’s from or who it’s for until the words “I never thought you’d have to remember me” appeared on the page and she stops breathing.
Hope.
Josie barely remembered letting it slip that the book magically recorded certain things, but she hadn’t stopped to consider how much Hope had read into it.
As the last sentence appears, Josie found herself blinking back tears. She looked over at Lizzie, the girl curled up in bed, blankets tossed to the side despite the chill in the air and Josie knows that if she wakes her now, she would be too worried about Josie to go back to sleep.
Josie knew of at least one other person who was still awake and though Hope was right when she’d said things were different now, Josie couldn’t shake the feeling that maybe now it could be better, the words find me playing over in her mind.
So she got out of bed, hiding the book in her dresser and switching off the light before quietly slipping out of their room.
With her fingers trailing along the walls of the all too familiar hallways and taking turns in the dark on little more than instinct and memory, it didn’t take long for Josie to find herself in front of Hope’s bedroom door, the light inside faintly spilling out beneath the door the only sign that Hope was still awake.
It dawned on her then that she hadn’t thought any of this through, but she was so close and for a moment it’s like she could feel Hope on the other side of the door, the need to see her tugging at the last threads of doubt before she lifts a hand and gives two soft knocks.
“Come in.” It’s barely above a whisper but it’s enough to get her to slip inside and soundlessly shut the door before turning to meet Hope’s gaze.
She was sitting up in bed, auburn hair wild and her blue-grey eyes wide, an open notebook tossed to the far end of her bed.
“Josie? What—“ she started, pushing herself out of bed before the other girl’s arms wrap around her shoulders, Hope’s own arms instantly wrapping around Josie’s waist, fingertips sinking into the soft fabric of her sleep shirt. The thrumming in Hope’s chest had turned to electricity, sending shivers up and down her spine and she can swear Josie’s touch feels like wildfire. “Hey, it’s okay.”
“I read your note,” Josie finally breathed. “I just—I had to see you.” She pulled back just enough to see the furrow in Hope’s brow before her gaze fell to her own feet, hoping the room was dark enough to hide the tears welling in her eyes.
“Did I say something wrong?” Hope sounded almost breathless, and Josie quickly looked up to see the uncertainty in her eyes.
“No, it’s not—” Josie sighed, “I wish things had turned out differently, I guess? Everything feels so crazy right now and I’m sure Lizzie would think I lost it if I tried explaining,” Josie’s voice softens then, “I don’t want to feel like my heart is being pulled in two different directions but I also don’t know how—“ she trails off.
“How what?” Hope whispered when it becomes clear that Josie isn’t going to continue.
Josie looked up then, brown eyes meeting blue as she says “How I’m supposed to forget you again.”
The second the words left her lips, Josie could see the guilt and sadness creep into Hope’s eyes. Hope dropped her hands to her side for a moment before she wrapped them around herself, taking a step back and out of Josie’s space.
She didn’t expect Josie to follow her, matching her steps until she’s right in front of Hope.
“I guess having a lifetime’s worth of memories shoved into your mind won’t ever be easy but,” Josie couldn’t stand the way Hope avoided her gaze, “That spell I did to bring everyone’s memories back? Hope, I remember everything like it was yesterday. The poking, the arguments—The note.”
When Hope’s gaze locked onto hers, Josie anchored herself to it, swallowing the last of her doubts before she whispered, “I don’t know how I’m supposed to let you go when so much of me remembers loving you.”
“Josie...” Hope breathed and she’s not sure if Josie had heard it; with her heart threatening to leap out of her chest, she barely heard it herself. And she knew that almost all she’d managed to say since the girl walked in had been her name, but it’s hard to find the words when Josie Saltzman tells you she loves you, so all she did was smile.
Gods, if that smile didn’t leave Josie breathless and she wondered why it was her smile that had to be hidden behind so much loss, how someone so beautiful was left to feel broken.
“You should rest,” Josie finally whispered, a small smile on her lips as Hope huffed a laugh, tilting her head the way only she can and Josie felt that if she didn’t leave now she never would. She headed for the door, stopping only to give one last look at Hope. “I’ll see you in the morning, okay?”
“Josie, wait—“
Josie paused, the door half open and her hand resting on the knob when Hope started walking towards her.
It took no more than a moment, but Hope threw her arms around Josie’s shoulders, face nuzzled in the crook of her neck. “We can make our own choices, right?” Hope asked before she pulled back to place a chaste kiss to Josie’s cheek. “Don’t let us go just yet.”