Work Text:
Worst Pole Dancer Ever
“Usually people don’t find strip clubs a romantic date,” Sharon commented after a moment.
Sam scowled at her. “You invited me here.”
She stared back at him. “It was a joke. I was definitely joking.”
“You can’t just tempt me with ‘hey, wanna see Bucky’s stupid face when Tony flips himself upside down on the pole,’” Sam insisted. He held up his phone. “I need pictures for blackmailing purposes.”
Sharon considered this. “Is blackmail romantic?”
“I mean…” Sam began thoughtfully. “…I’m not blackmailing you, so it’s fine, right?”
Sharon remembered Tony mournfully describing how cute Bucky was when he’d gaped up at him, but it would be in bad taste to ask one of his customers on a date, because people might say he's a gold digger. “Maybe I can use the picture to blackmail Bucky into asking Tony out,” she mused.
“Weren’t you worried about being creepy, asking me out?” Sam asked, giving her some serious side-eye. “He can’t ask Tony out! He’s a customer; Tony’s a pole dancer. The creepiness has extra layers.”
“I guess,” Sharon sighed, flopping back in her seat and pouting.
Tony did the move, muscles bulging and twitching as he flipped himself upside-down. He wrapped his legs around the pole to adjust himself so he was further off the floor, then gripped the pole tight and spread his legs wide, until parallel with the ground.
Sam dropped his phone, gaping up at him.
“Sam,” Sharon hissed, and then frowned. “Oh wait this is your first time. I should have warned you.”
“Buh,” Sam said.
“Yeah, it’s pretty impressive,” Sharon agreed, pulling her phone out to take a picture of Bucky herself. Then she turned and snapped a photo of Sam’s expression too.
“Are you done?” Tony gritted out. “Can I stand up now?”
Sharon turned and took a photo of him as well before she said, “Okay, I’m done.”
Tony flipped back over quickly, yelped, and toppled off the platform right into Bucky’s lap.
Sharon yelped as well and scrambled over to them. “Tony! Are you okay!?”
“Yeah,” Tony said, gripping his head. “I just let go of the pole too soon, with all that blood rushing out of my head.”
“Do you need some water or something?” Sam asked, concerned, and then paused when he saw Bucky pulling his wallet out. Bucky pulled out all of the cash in his wallet and stuffed it in Tony’s panties.
Tony blinked down at the wad, then lifted his head to beam at him. “Oh! Thank you!”
“Oh my God,” Sam breathed. He’d just given Bucky that cash. It was his tips for the week. It was a hundred dollars. “I can’t deal with this. If they’re not gonna ask each other out, we have to leave,” he said, turning toward Sharon.
“He doesn’t want to date me,” Tony and Bucky said morosely, and then looked at each other in surprise.
“Oh my God,” Sam said again. “Sharon, you’re buying me an ice-cream sundae for this. Oh my God.”
“That’s fair,” Sharon agreed, even as she took a selfie with them in the background. “As long as you split it with me.”
“I was always going to do that,” Sam told her snidely, and then kissed her pout to take any sting out of it.