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They were finally home. Finally, Hongjoong thought, finally he could sleep in his own bed after so long. He missed seeing this familiar room, grinning tiredly as the darkness was replaced by light as he turned the switch on. The room was still the way he and Seonghwa left it, his accessories still where he left them hung at the railings of their bunk bed, their bags still at a corner of their room, the tables still had their stacked books, the bookcase still had Seonghwa's Gundam figurines standing there, ever proud in front of the books and albums arranged on its shelves. Finally, Hongjoong felt like he belonged.
"Hongjoong," a voice said, "what are you doing just standing there?"
"Ah, Seonghwa, sorry," Hongjoong smiled sheepishly, moving aside to let Seonghwa pass. The brunette gave him a small smile, Hongjoong not missing the fondness radiating from it, and the redhead felt his heart skip a beat slightly, as the older passed by him, entering their room. "I was just, well, taking in the room after so long of leaving it."
"I understand. It's a sight for sore eyes, isn't it?" The older chuckled, putting his emptied luggage aside, and then jumped onto Hongjoong's bed after moving aside some of the redhead's belts and accessories, making space for his long limbs. "Hope you don't mind me sleeping here tonight."
"Depends on the reason," Hongjoong laughed as he lazily discarded his own emptied luggage beside Seonghwa's. He missed this domestic lifestyle. They had been on the move for months, and finally, they had a whole month to themselves, though Hongjoong knew it'd be filled with practice and preparation for their next comeback, but it was better than constantly breathing foreign air and trying to please strangers and straining to understand foreign languages. Don't get him wrong, he absolutely loved being together with their fans and communicating with them, but sometimes, it does get tiring. After all, he's only human.
"No reason, 'm just tired and lazy to go up," Seonghwa mumbled out, face squished against the Mini-Hong plushie he hugged, one hand pointing lazily up, referring to his bed at the top bunk.
"Mhm, fine, you can sleep there then," Hongjoong nodded, and he heard Seonghwa mumble a soft 'thanks', which made him smile softly to himself. The older had so much duality sometimes Hongjoong still gets surprised by it. Onstage, Seonghwa was a force to be reckoned with, oozing sex appeal and eyes which could lock you in place with a single gaze, but offstage, he's all playful and gentle, a very different person than his onstage appearance that sometimes Hongjoong wonders which is real, or if both are real, but one is hidden depending on situation. Hongjoong thinks its the latter, because he rarely felt any hint of pretending from the older, and he's not bad at picking out fake people from a crowd.
He must have been standing there smiling at nothing for quite some time, as Seonghwa suddenly sat halfway up and scooted closer to the bed's edge, and suddenly, Hongjoong felt a hand enclose around his wrist, pulling him down onto the bed. The redhead yelped in surprise as he lost his balance, falling face first into a fit chest, and warm arms embracing him. Hongjoong felt his face heat up. It's not that they have never been this close, it's just that Hongjoong was way too used to keeping a distance from Seonghwa in front of the cameras, and it has been way too long since they had… since they had time for each other like this.
"Seonghwa?" Hongjoong squeaked, and a soft hum rumbled in Seonghwa's chest against his cheek. Long familiar fingers came up behind his head, entangling in his hair, and he felt the loving, gentle touch of the pads of Seonghwa's fingers rubbing his scalp, before it turned into soft scratching, like petting a cat. Hongjoong did mention if he was an animal, he thought he would be a cat, but right now, he really did feel like one, resting his cheek more onto Seonghwa's warm chest as he sighed, cozy in the arms of the older.
"You worry so much," Seonghwa softly said, hand moving lower, and Hongjoong felt his fingers massage his nape. "So tense all the time, it must have been so tiring for you," Seonghwa murmured, and Hongjoong couldn't help the relieved sound he made as he felt the tension in his neck he didn't even know was there slowly dissolve into nothing.
"It's my responsibility," Hongjoong's hand came up to grip softly at Seonghwa's shirt, as he sighed, content. He really missed this. "What about you? You've been sick for so long now. You must be more tired than me."
Another soft hum, and Hongjoong lifted his face, seeing Seonghwa's eyes which had so many emotions swimming in them. Hongjoong knew Seonghwa would never want to admit he's tired in front of anyone, except when they're both in their room, their safe space, knowing that the other would never judge them for being tired or down. The members wouldn't judge too, they knew that, they had opened up to the members sometimes, but Hongjoong and Seonghwa were the eldest two, so to rely on the members felt… Off. Originally, they both hesitated opening up to each other too, but time helped them ease up around each other.
"Seonghwa." Hongjoong's hand which was gripping Seonghwa's shirt slid up, and he squeezed Seonghwa's bicep gently, hoping to be of comfort. "It's okay to be tired. You know we won't judge you. The fans won't judge you too." Hongjoong knows Seonghwa knows this, but even so, the older keeps pushing himself, and Hongjoong would be lying if he said he wasn't afraid and worried that one day Seonghwa would just collapse in front of him onstage. It's a scenario he wishes would never happen, but almost happened at KCON, and Hongjoong could never erase the image of Seonghwa having to be helped off from his mind, but Seonghwa was still so stubborn even though Hongjoong had freaked out about it after their stage and told him to stay put backstage when they were called up again, and Hongjoong didn't know what else to do other than just remind him again and again, that it's okay to rest, that it's okay to be human.
"I know," Seonghwa hummed, "but it's not the fans or the members I'm worried about. I know you all don't expect me to be okay all the time."
Then he went quiet, averting his eyes.
"It's my own expectations I want to fulfill."
Hongjoong sighed, and he slid his hands under Seonghwa's torso, sort of hugging the older as much as their positions could allow. He understood where Seonghwa came from. Even he struggles to meet his own expectations, even when neither his members nor his fans expect him to reach whatever goal he set. They understand that he's human, it's him who can't accept it sometimes, pushing himself again and again and again, and Hongjoong understands that must be the conflict which caused Seonghwa to continuously push himself even when he's well over his limit. But, even though he knew what Seonghwa felt, he didn't know what to say to comfort him or solve his problem. How could he when he has the exact same problem, just manifesting differently? So he didn't say anything instantly, just moved up enough so that his face is hovering right over Seonghwa's, staring into those brown eyes often hidden away under contact lenses of different colours.
"You know, Seonghwa, you're not alone on that," Hongjoong moved one of his hands to cup Seonghwa's cheek, making the older face him. "I know how it feels, wanting to be more, pushing yourself further and further, because what you are now is not enough, you think it's not enough, but I want you to listen to me. That it's okay. It's okay to be human. You don't have to be happy all the time. You're allowed to feel sick, you're allowed to feel tired, you're allowed to want to rest, you're allowed to rest."
Seonghwa didn't reply, just staring up into Hongjoong's eyes, but his hands squeezed Hongjoong's waist a little harder. His eyes still held a lot of emotions, and Hongjoong still can't place a finger on one.
"You're enough, Seonghwa." Hongjoong felt his own voice shake, memories of that day at KCON playing back in his mind. "You're enough, you're amazing the way you are, you are already good enough, maybe even better than a ton of people in this world. You're not a mistake, you're not a failure because you have to take a break from performing because your body needs to heal." Hongjoong hid his face in Seonghwa's neck, not wanting the older to see his eyes turning glassy. He paused, trying to steady himself. He didn't know where he was going with what he's saying, it sounds so repetitive, so script-like, so-
"You're enough too, Hongjoong," Seonghwa's voice was soft, calm, and Hongjoong felt the hands on his waist squeeze a little harder again, pressing him closer, and there was the gentle brush of Seonghwa's nose against his neck. "You're a good leader, you try your best all the time, you give and give so much." A soft sigh. "It's thanks to you we won the Performance Award, Joong-ah."
Hongjoong hadn't heard Seonghwa call him that in so long, and god, did he realize how much he missed hearing the elder call him in such a gentle, loving tone. The tears threaten to fall again, so Hongjoong squeezed Seonghwa's side, trying to stop himself from crying.
"No…" Hongjoong swallowed. "It's a team effort." He didn't trust himself to answer any longer without breaking down and crying.
"Yes, but if you weren't there to keep everyone in line, if you weren't there to keep us going during our down times, we couldn't have done it, Joong-ah," Seonghwa persisted. "You're important to ATEEZ, Joong-ah."
Stop, Hongjoong wanted to say. He didn't deserve all these compliments. He has so much to improve on, he's not deserving of all these praises, no, not yet-
"Come back," Seonghwa's soft mutter against his skin pulled him out of his mind before it could pull him to that dark place. "Stay with me." A grounding squeeze on his waist.
Hongjoong hummed, nodding. "You're all important to me too." His voice broke at the last syllable, as so many bittersweet memories rushed over him, and he squeezed Seonghwa hard, wanting to suppress his tears.
"Stop holding it back," Seonghwa said, and Hongjoong thought his voice shook a little. "Stop holding it back, Joong-ah. It's okay to be human."
It's okay to be human.
It's okay to be human.
And Hongjoong's dam broke open at those words, and he broke apart in Seonghwa's arms, shaking. His hands grasped at the elder's shirt again, his fists shaking as he cried, wetting the elder's shoulder. Seonghwa only pulled him closer, hugging him tight, and Hongjoong felt his own shoulder grow wet, and he realized how much Seonghwa needed this emotional vulnerability. That Seonghwa needed this moment of baring their souls to each other so much, and Hongjoong was so glad to give it to him. It had been so long since they last laid in each other's embrace, safe from the rest of the world, in the comfort of their room, both broken but fixing each other, together.
Together.
Hongjoong missed this.
Hongjoong missed them.
"Hwa," Hongjoong croaked out. "I miss you."
Seonghwa's breath hitched, and there it was; another squeeze at his waist.
"Joong-ah, you don't know how much I miss you too," Seonghwa sobbed out. "I- I-"
Hongjoong moved up again, as his face hovers right above Seonghwa's, their breaths mixing together, Hongjoong's tears dropping onto Seonghwa's cheeks. They stared into each other's glassy eyes, taking in each other's features. God, they both really did miss this.
"Hwa," Hongjoong started. "Hwa, can you-" -a sniff- "-can you kiss me?"
Seonghwa did not hesitate at all, a hand moving up to the back of Hongjoong's neck, pushing him down to meet Seonghwa's lips. It wasn't eager, it wasn't hungry, it wasn't filthy, it wasn't lustful. It was passionate, it was slow, it was loving, it was emotional. Months and months of continuously missing each other, no, even before they debuted, ever since they had to start filming, Hongjoong and Seonghwa set boundaries with each other, and it was initially difficult for Seonghwa to stay away, but now, it was clear that Hongjoong was also struggling with the boundaries they had to create to protect ATEEZ's image, with how passionate their kiss is.
"Hwa-" Hongjoong gasped as they pulled away from each other for air. "Hwa, I miss you so much." Then, he leaned down again, capturing Seonghwa's lips, and Seonghwa let him. Hongjoong was crying even harder, crying into the kiss, lips quivering against Seonghwa's, and Seonghwa ran his hand down the redhead's spine, and rubbed his back, hoping to comfort him, but Hongjoong just shuddered and sobbed more into the kiss.
"Hwa, I love you, I love you, I love you-" Hongjoong cried, and Seonghwa turned them over, resting Hongjoong onto the bed, him hovering over the redhead now.
Hongjoong didn't stop crying, but it seemed like he would like to, pressing his hands into his eyes, wanting to stop the tears streaming down his face, as his chest heaved up and down, trying to stop the sobs and hiccups ripping out of him. Seonghwa had never seen Hongjoong this broken before, and Seonghwa's chest hurt so much at the sight. The elder pulled Hongjoong's hands away, cupping his cheeks, and leaned down to kiss his cheeks, again and again.
"It's okay, Joong-ah, it's okay, baby, it's okay," Seonghwa muttered over and over, pecking Hongjoong all over his face, his eyelids, the tip of his nose, the corners of his lips, everywhere. "It's okay, it's okay, it's okay, we're together now, I'm here now, it's okay."
"Hwa, I love you, I really do, it hurts me when you're hurt, I just love you so much-"
Seonghwa kissed him silent.
"I love you too, Joong-ah, I love you too," Seonghwa returned as they pulled away, pecking Hongjoong again on the lips after he said those words. "I love you too, baby."
Hongjoong pulled him closer, gasping.
"Please, Seonghwa," Hongjoong rasped. "Please, just, please-"
And Seonghwa didn't need anything more to be said, before he dedicated his night to loving Hongjoong, giving them both what they have missed for so long, in the comfort and ease of their room.