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5
Growing up, Tony felt disconnected from his father. He loved his mother to death, but couldn’t always agree upon the same factor for his father. It was not that he wasn’t able to understand loving his father, but more so that he had no need to do so on a normal scale; especially, when that love was not returned.
It was obvious Tony had an expectation to live up to; many, at that. He was supposed to be a genius like his father. One that would invent the next Hovercar, pave the way for the future, mystify the public each year with something more. He was expected to have a great amount of intelligence, and nothing less.
While Tony knew he would grow up to inevitably follow his father’s footsteps, he felt a pang of wonder at what a normal life was like. A life with a father who loves his child more than anything, that would give up every penny to watch that child flourish. It was a distressing, passing thought that occurred in his mind occasionally, but it was swept away before he could break down its details.
Howard would never show affection toward Tony.
Tony, once able to move around on his own and was looked after by his mother, was not essentially his problem anymore. Therefore, naturally, he was not expressive physically; and hardly emotionally either, excluding negativity.
Tony grew up to believe he didn’t deserve the simple touches.
He never knew what it was like to have a father that would welcome a hug after coming home from work, a cheek kiss before heading into his dreams, and a goodbye hug before school. He didn’t get that.
Tony grew up starved of touch, and longed for anything he received from his mother. He basked in the little touches she gave him when tucking him in to sleep. He melted at the touch of her hugs every so often. He felt he was on top of the world if she gave him a forehead kiss as he dozed off comfortably.
Howard Stark had never done this for him. Never allowed it to happen when he was around. It was why his mother’s affection was so treasured by Tony, for it was rare.
4
Aside from his lacking childhood, Tony excelled in his studies. When he reached his college years, he made a handful of friends within his major, and took a liking to them quickly. However, they preferred parties against tinkering in labs on Friday nights.
Tony kept up with them as much as he could, given that he allowed himself the time to relax with them. Tony often kept himself busy in his studies, designs, or repairs; many projects that a typical teenageer would not yearn to do in their spare time.
When he did agree to follow his friends out to a restaurant, a party, or bowling, he felt their happiness pouring onto himself; he accepted every bit of the attention given. His friends were not expressive much with physical affection, aside from passing hugs, or handshakes.
Tony still basked in every touch, feeling the craving growing deeper and deeper in his heart as he grew older. The older he got, the less affection he encountered. He thought to himself often if it was meant to be this way for him. If it was normal.
One night, on their way back to their dorms from a nearby sports bar, Tony found himself chuckling over a joke his eldest friend made. As they walked, a hand patted his back for a meer second as his friend worked on steadying himself from laughing so hard; for Tony, it was a different perspective.
The warmth radiated from the root of the touch all around his back, sending a shiver through him. It was a sad, yet grateful shiver. Although, it didn’t mean anything anyways. It was simply a gesture of happiness as his friend laughed himself into losing balance.
Tony secretly longed for more, but felt disgusted that he did. He pushed the feeling away, and forced normalcy back into his mind.
It was a stupid thought anyways.
3
After the Avengers were formed and the growing team got to know each other, Tony began to feel a sense of family that he never had previously.
His mother was always there in his life, loving him unconditionally and wishing for his safety always. On the other hand, Tony didn’t get the father figure he so desperately desired, and found that comfort, support, and loyalty in his new family.
He wasn’t one to act extremely expressive, gracious, or even highly emotional around the team. Sure, he had his joking moments, bringing laughter, rolling eyes, or a chuckle afterwards. But, he never found himself opening up much further. Tony hinted about his past. Tony was open occasionally about his mental state.
Tony was not open about his ongoing issue from childhood that traumatized his internal being daily.
He chose not to speak about it, as it wasn’t necessary to conversations. To say something of the sort would be shocking, deemed as a joke in his eyes, or completely off topic. He chose to stifle it as usual. It wasn’t harming him physically, it would only cause confusion and worry for his friends, so evidently there was no need for the subject.
Only, he wished there was. Sometimes.
His new-found family was a rather generous, loving, expressive group of people. Much different than his father, or his friends from college. They were warm. They were supportive. They worked together, and coldness was not often a thought when it came to each other.
Clint and Natasha were always cracking jokes with one another, sparing small hugs when they felt like it. Was that normal? It was because they were best friends, Tony always told himself. That was a normal expression that friends of their type would express.
Steve and Bucky found themselves often brushing past one another, flashing bright smiles, hugging often, patting each other on the back after a mission. They were closer than ever, best friends. That was normal, of course, no question.
Wanda and Vision gave each other little kisses romantically, hugged each other in happiness and in sadness, and were the ideal picture of a healthy couple. Everyone in the Avengers supported the relationship, as it was best for the both of them. Tony knew that was normal. He had seen couples everywhere in college behaving in the same manner. His parents too.
What wasn’t normal was how he felt. He felt a deep guilt for feeling the jealousy that clouded his mind. Seeing such intimate affection surrounding him hurt him mentally. It physically made his limbs feel heavy and achy as if they were unused. The never ending ache for just one hug of his own, for one lingering touch was tearing his insides apart. It was destroying a part of him that he never knew was so important to him.
His feelings about it all, he declared, were absolutely abnormal.
2
Upon meeting other hero figures in his life, he found them to be great backup, and excellent friends to have.
Stephen Strange was no exception to the list of people he had come across in some of their heftier missions. The man was intelligent like himself, knew a great deal about a wide variety of subjects. The two bickered occasionally, threw jokes at each other often, but nonetheless got along quite well. Better than Tony would have ever imagined.
Stephen had a girlfriend of many years that he held close in his heart. Christine was a supportive, loyal woman that often reminded Tony of his own team. He was delighted mentally that he had the ability to be around so many empowering people within his life.
When he visited Stephen on random occasions, Christine was always somewhere in the proximity. Whether she was cooking something, researching a topic on the computer, or heading off to work, she was around. Her presence interested Tony, as she held a very dynamic, loving relationship with his friend.
Tony took note of the way the two would share kisses, hugs, and small, loving touches. Much like Wanda and Vision, Tony observed from time to time.
It was an ongoing dispute in his mind whether or not he should feel happy and grateful internally, or allow his bubbling jealousy, ache, and sadness to fill his conscious. He never, of course, admitted to anything externally other than his quick humor and boldness. Like his father always taught him, a man isn’t too emotional towards the world.
But, why was Tony seeing so many men around him expressing the complete opposite?
1
When Tony met Peter Parker for the first time, he saw himself in the kid.
A genius, young boy with no father in his life at the time. Who shut himself in his room or in his studies, even when other parties or events were taking place. The boy was much like himself. He had a handful of friends, and was always nice to others. Excluding his awkwardness and his astounding home life, Tony found a lot of worthy comparisons.
Tony took to the kid immediately. There was no doubt that Peter needed a male figure in his life to look up to. One completely opposite from what Tony had lived through, and he vowed to make sure of that.
Peter was always grateful for everything Tony offered or gave him. Whether it was an invitation to help him in his lab, to come to an important meeting with him, to travel somewhere, or even to hand him a new piece of equipment, Peter was more than eager to accept. It was one thing Tony loved about the kid. He had a never-ending sense of adventure. He wished that he was more like that when he was younger.
Peter, though still young, wasn’t a very affectionate kid. He was awkward, sometimes got into his own way, and was clumsy. It didn’t change the fact that he was sweet to everyone, optimistic, and strong-willed. Tony found his heart aching in a new way.
The connection that he felt with the boy was something stronger than he felt with his own father. It was as if he was in charge of protecting the kid from harm, looking after him, being the father that the boy used to have. Tony basked in this non-tangible feeling, as it gave him a sense of comfort away from his negative mind.
Peter never knew this outright, but it was apparent. Tony wished he could give the boy what he never had in his own childhood. What he never received from his own father. But the kid was 15 already, he didn’t need to be tucked into bed at night. He had friends that would be there for him every step of the way.
Peter wasn’t Tony. But, Tony was grateful for that fact.
+1
In the months following the first time Tony met Peter Parker, their connection grew immensely.
He checked on the kid often, spoiled him with as much as he was able, and made time purposefully to see him. It was what he always wanted his father, friends, and others to do for him.
He didn’t know, however, that his internal ache and suffering for the want to be touched would get so detrimental to his health. Tony couldn’t sleep much anymore knowing he had so many outlets, yet, none of them proved to be enough. Talking just wasn’t enough. Quick brushes past someone wasn’t enough.
Why couldn’t he just receive one hug? One of the things his father never gave him? That his friends never gave him?
He buried himself in new projects and work in his lab, ignoring the pleas from Friday to leave and take a break. It was unhealthy, he fully knew that. But he couldn’t bring himself to do normal activities. He was isolated from the world, his friends, even Peter.
What he wasn’t aware of, was that the AI had let Peter in per request that night. Stalking quietly into his lab, Peter’s eyes widened with worry, guilt, and sadness.
Tony, hair messy, clothes disheveled, and face fresh with tears of pure sadness, was sitting exhaustingly up against the farthest wall from the entryway. Moving slowly into the room, it was as if Tony couldn’t even see him; he knew he could, though.
Tony wasn’t able to keep years of all of his hidden emotions under control. Years of sorrow, aching, rejection. He didn’t know how to handle it. He didn’t know how to be the heartless man his father trained him to be. He wasn’t so sure anymore that he wanted to be that nonexistent shell of a man.
“Mr. Stark?” Peter called out gently, his arms raised up in defense as he moved closer to the distressed man on the floor. Tony blinked in slow motion, glancing up at the boy walking towards him with a worried-sick expression. He was dressed rather nicely, most likely a birthday present from May.
“Hey kid.” He responded finally, his voice gravely and hoarse. The bags underneath his eyes were a dark purple, and he hastily smeared the tears on his arm. “What’s up?” He asked, changing his voice to a more unsuspecting tone. He never meant to hurt Peter.
“What.. what’s wrong? Did something happen to you? Mr. Stark--” he was cut off by Tony speaking over him.
“I’m alright Peter, take a breath in there somewhere.” He responded in his usual demeanor. Though, there was a trail of exhaustion within it.
“If you think I’m gonna believe that Mr. Stark.. I’m sorry. I don’t.” Peter said defensively, but with supportive meaning. He moved closer to the man.
Tony found himself curling in on himself more. Nobody voluntarily got this close to him. Especially not in a comforting way. Was this what everyone else experienced? He wasn’t sure what to think anymore. Within seconds, Peter was crouched down right beside him.
“Mr. Stark I, I don’t mean to intrude.” He began, finally sitting down. Their shoulders touched, and Tony couldn’t breathe. It wasn’t anxiety, but the air was still stolen out of his lungs. “But I don’t think you get the support you need. You do so much for everyone and.. I don’t think anyone does much for you.” Peter said sadly, his face scrunching up with unhappiness and sympathy. “If you would.. let me.” The boy added, holding his shaking arms out with invitation.
Tony never expected to ever receive any physical attention in his lifetime. It was something he was taught to avoid, it was something that a man shouldn’t yearn for, it was almost as if it was sinful. Tony never expected to fall into someone’s arms so quickly. To heave out so much sadness and relief.
Gritting his teeth, he let Peter hug him. He let Peter talk to him about how it was going to be alright, how he was silly to never ask for any help, how Peter always looked up to him as an amazing father figure and he would do anything for him. Tony never expected to love a kid so much like his own.
He wrapped his arms the best he could back around the one thing in his life that brought meaning. The one thing that brought a purpose for him to want to get better, to heal this portion of himself. Peter assured him that he was always around for hugs, or even high fives if Tony wanted that. Peter assured him that it wasn’t his fault that his father made him feel that way. Peter assured him he would never feel starved of touch again, even if it was something as simple as a hug.
For the first time, Tony didn’t argue. He didn’t make a defensive comment. He didn’t try to justify his father’s actions. He didn’t shy away from the subject. He didn’t pretend that he felt nothing, with no emotions.
For the first time in decades, he hugged someone back that he loved and cared about so much.
He had finally found relief from the damage.