Chapter Text
Granny's Diner wasn't as busy as Emma had seen it this time of the night, with diners and towns folk just stopping in to warm their fingers with around a hot cup of coffee. Or cocoa, in Emma's case. It was late into December, however capitalism brought 'holiday cheer' to Storybrook since well before Emma had a chance to think about Halloween. Granny's had its fair share of customers to prevent Ruby from settling across the booth from Emma, not that Emma was there for that this time. She would prefer the solitude for just a little longer.
Emma looked to the bags and gifts already wrapped thanks to the fairies as part of the nuns' holiday fundraiser on top of the candles this year. It was the least she could do for them. Between Blue and Tinkerbell, she had enough dealing with them and Emma would just prefer to stay away until another catastrophe comes to Storybrook. Nova was always a peach and could wrap a mean gift, which could only do so much in changing Emma's perception of the nunnery and the women within.
Emma checked her list again, glad that almost all of her shopping was completed that day. David had been easy to shop for. He loved family, fighting, and westerns. There were so many things Emma could have gotten him and he would have been happy with it. Snow, Emma found out, likes hand made gifts, and Emma wasn't sure how artistic she was. She knew she had her own talents with gifts, but other than dream catchers (a no no for her mother), she wasn't sure what else she could make her. She decided to try her luck with a charm bracelet. Henry and now Roland have their gifts sorted out, having pre-ordered them online, and bought books, make up or candy for pretty much everybody else. Regina, however was the one person who kept popping in and out of her mind.
Emma wasn't sure what to get Regina, the woman who knew Storybrook better than her own self. Emma couldn't see Regina as wanting anything that could be bought, not that Emma could afford it if that was the case. There was no way in hell (and she could say this ironically now) she's willing to try Gold's shop, the one place anything unique and worthy of Regina might be purchased. Emma considered magicking something up, but the Savior couldn't even think of what would be a suitable gift even if her skills were able to do such a thing. Everything with Regina was always more difficult than it needed to be. At this point, was it even appropriate to get Regina something? Of course it was. Even little Roland and now Zelena got gifts from her and it would be cruel NOT to get Regina something. And it was Regina, Emma thought, that deserved a gift from her the most. Emma wanted more than anything to gift Regina with something memorable, lasting, but she was just stuck. She wanted to give Regina something because Emma had taken so much from her. Sure, Regina wanted to join her in the Underworld and she couldn't just let Marian die, but the results remained the same.
And now both women went without their loves this Christmas.
Regina, a Christmas miracle all on its own, still spoke to Emma. They traded pleasantries whenever Henry and now Roland was to exchange guardians for the week. there was even a time or two she would pick up the tab when they happened to be at Granny's at the same time. Still, there was always that tension in the air that even the boys could pick up, and hurry in to the houses as a result. Emma, though, never went a day without, speaking, thinking, or hearing about Regina and the pain they all experienced in the last six years, let alone the twenty-eight years before that.
"So what...?" Emma muttered as she saw Regina's Mercedes drive by, "do I get you?" Emma didn't say a name, as she wasn't sure if Ruby would hear it. It was bad enough that Emma and Regina's relationship was so challenging (to say the least), but no one needed to know that Emma had gotten these even more complicated feelings. Feelings that questioned so much about the almost engagement to Hook. Feelings that made Emma's grieving period much shorted than she felt it should have been. How fucked up was it that four months after the Underworld, she found herself feeling worse for not grieving the man than she ever had mourning Hook? She loved him and even almost married the man, but never did he occupy her heart and mind like Regina. Never. Since that first day in Storybrook Regina pushed any and every button Emma had, and was always in her orbit for one more snarky remark or heated argument. Regina had always moved her in one way or another, and the lone wolf Emma was, she always had a need to be in Regina's life, as an enemy, co-parent, friend, or something else Emma yearned for now more than she ever wanted Killian back. It all should have told her something so long ago. In fact, the Darkness HAD told her, sneering at her from Emma's own origin story as the Dark One. She'd fought against its words, for it had tortured her with her love. The Darkness loved to tell her that her sacrifice was in vein, and that It knew why. It cackled, knowing Emma's desires and had put names and labels to them that Emma couldn't even start to imagine.
"Refill, Em?"
Emma looked up at Ruby with a small smile and shook her head. "Not this time. Just needed a quick warm up before getting home in all that snow." Emma took out her well used debit card from her flannel front pocket, promising it and herself that it was the last time it would be used that evening, promise. While waiting for her receipt to sign, Emma donned her dark blue beanie and almost matching coat. A couple of people coming into the diner greeted her and others they knew, which she replied to with another polite smile. After signing and pocketing her receipt and debit card, she bid the wolf goodbye and told her she would send along her greetings to her mother the next morning.
Thinking to herself that she was glad she bought herself a pair of gloves, she picked up her bags and headed out, sending her thanks to the man who held the door for her. Snowflakes that had been falling softly before seemed to grow in both size and fury as they appeared to slam towards the ground. Emma ducked her head, and hurried towards her bug. Shopping for herself was tiring, but shopping along Main Street for everyone else would keep Emma in bed or on the couch until Christmas. It was her own fault, but how was she to know that she wasn't the only one to keep Christmas shopping to almost the last minute?
As her car ran, Emma put the heat up as far as the bug would allow before getting her bags and boxes in the trunk. The thought that had she not been in a sleepy magical town in Maine her stuff would have been long gone had entered her mind. As soon as she got into the drivers side once more, she cursed the fact that the car had not gotten any warmer, and so she sighed in defeat and began her trek out of Storybrook's idea of downtown.
Emma had always wanted a large house with things to put inside it. A house that had a great view of anything really, a backyard with grass, and a great front porch. The darkness wanted none of that. The darkness wanted isolation, Stillness.
Loneliness.
So this was the Compromise The Dark One made: the house was large and furnished with the front porch swing and a full yard of grass. Once. Now the paint peeled away, the grass was brown under inches of snow, and there was no swing to speak of. The furniture inside felt as cold as the weather outside. It was big and furnished, exactly what Emma wanted. Exactly what she needed. But it was empty, an Emma emptier Within it.
Strings of white twinkling lights showed Emma the rest of the way to her home, deceiving it's true atmosphere even down the winding road to her driveway. Her parents had wanted to make a day of it the moment Henry had asked her over two weeks ago if she had wanted to decorate her house and get a tree two weeks ago. David and Henry picked out the tree where Emma now placed the bags that brought her down, arranging them by house she would be bringing them to. The rest were put in a pile that was for the Christmas and New Year Bash held on the 29th. Granny wasn't in the mood to host two parties in a little over a week and many agreed. Emma wasn't even sure how she felt about going to it. Of course she would, as it was a party Henry liked but to her it was just another mask to wear, another title to dawn, and another awkward encounter with Regina so soon after whichever awkwardness occurs at Snow's house on Christmas Day.
Emma plugged in the tree lights and had to admit that Snow's spare ornaments and lights look good the way her mother had arranged them. The only thing that Emma contributed do the decorations were three wooden snowflakes. Turning in place Emma search for the one small bag that did not join the others under the tree. Instead she slowly open the bag, the crinkle of it the only sound in the house. She held in her hands a wooden ornament shaped intricately like a snowflake. Inside the snowflake curved lettering spelling out the name of a life that could have been.
Ingrid.
Emma held onto it, trying not to think about all of the Christmases that could have should have gone differently. Swallowing back tears, she placed the snowflake on the branch right at eye level in the front, taking attention away from the cherubic angel at the top. Emma stared at the ornament for a long time before her eyes lifted to the other three snowflakes already there.
Killian.
Marian.
Robin.
Each ornamental snowflake was different as each life and loss was felt differently. Emma gave the four of them there do moments of Silence before walking towards the stairs, stopping before her downstairs closet to put away her winter accessories.
Darker still was the second floor on days that Henry and now Roland didn't occupy the other rooms. Emma didn't bother turning on the light at the top of the landing, instead going straight to her bedroom. She plugged in the string of white twinkle lights left over from decorating the roof. She found she liked the soft lighting. It felt like her time with the darkness as The Dark One. It was the smallest lights in the darkness that made Emma feel anything like hope anymore.
Emma's shoulders hunched and her head dip lower than usual as she unlaced and removed her boots and more than slightly damp socks. She replaced her pants for pajamas and a fresh pair of socks. Emma sighed as she felt some of the tension leave her. Soon Comfort came to her as she told herself that she was safe within her walls. Emma's TV soon filled the room with the voice of Lisa Simpson, and Emma sighed again with her exhaustion and sadness, the television just background noise as she wondered again what to get for Regina.
Her eyes landed on the loan box in her closet, and she tilted her head as she stared at it. Anything that ever held any meaning to her resided in that box even to this day. Emma stood again to retrieve her most treasured possessions, the things she just could not let go of. Oddly every now and again since living in Storybrooke she had taken things out or even thrown a couple things away, yet the cardboard still bore weight due to the new items that replace them. Emma place the Box upon her bed and then sat again next to it.
Suddenly, her eyes fell upon the one and only diary she had ever written in, a requirement she had a pain leaving the her juvenile program. She hadn't thought about let alone open the diary in so many months. The diary was written during the pregnancy, as her counselor had told her she would have plenty to write about. And she had. Every rant about morning sickness, her Eternal debates on whether she would keep him, and even a dear future mother type letter to whoever could care for him laying that book. The letter was on the last page written in the night Henry was born and she couldn't even look at the boy. Wedged between the tear-stained letter and the pages before it describing the birth was a photo, the only picture of Henry she would ever have until much later. it was the beginning to the young man that sometimes occupied the room next door. It was the one picture of Henry that Regina didn't have.
Emma then knew what Regina was getting for Christmas.
This knowledge had Emma up again, grabbing her pants and shoes while looking at her phone. Dressed again she took her stairs two at a time. She would still make it if she hurry. She rushed to her car, a look of determination Crossing her features for the first time in months.